Posting this here because I have nowhere else I can and I must.

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Posting this here because I have nowhere else I can and I must. I'm MtF for reference.

I don't know how it all fell apart. How it all just destabilized and became this way. Like a tower of blocks that collapsed when one was pulled out, and from there they all drifted into endless space.

I can remember the linchpin thought. Thinking to myself if I could flip a switch and be Female I would. Over the next year it all slowly destabilized more and more as I struggled with it and made up reasons. Eventually it started to deteriorate my health until I gave in and started on this journey.

I don't know what even caused that moment. After it all came down, after it was all unlocked I could suddenly remember so many things. So many things I could pinpoint at from childhood and teenage years, but none of them seem to correlate to that linchpin thought to me.

And so I lay here all this time later dwelling on what never will be and how insane this all is. I felt free, but for the first time I fully grasp the scope that I'm cast adrift into a place that never ends. Space feels like such an apt metaphor.

It's not pity, it's not sadness. Nothing I can cry over, that almost never happens and only with extreme stress. It's just an empty feeling.

I've been like this all day. Maybe it's just because I had a major dysphoria crash this morning. It's very early morning the next day now. I can only say that I'm proud of myself for not giving in and drinking. Though I've never wanted to as badly before as I do now.