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How to find peace with who you are?

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I've always been a "straight male" in denial. I would jerk off to gay fantasies/porn or full frontal male nudity and just write it off as being "perverted", i couldn't be gay, cuz I like women, yet I homoerotic thinks would always turn me on.

After doing a bit of soul searching and stop abusing drugs and alcohol, i've come to the realization that I am in fact a homosexual male, I don't really have alll that much interest in girls(the interest I showed was learned, I learned it from seeing how other straight men behaved).

I've always hated this side of my(the faggot in me), i've always tried to justify my sexual urges by writing them off as deviant sexual behavior and that I should repress it.

I'm so jealous of people who have enough emotional intelligence to realize they were gay in their teens and not try to fight these urges.

I've finally admitted to myself and my family that I am a homosexual, but that hate and shamefulness doesn't go away I always feel like I am just a damaged person with a fucked up brain. Also I've been living as this "straight" man and acting like somebody that doesn't exist.

How can I stop being so self loathing and just embrace what I really am? And just live the lifestyle I want to truly live(without shame and feeling like I'm worthless).
please respond...
Seek therapy, it will help you deal with your self-loathing and get rid of it for good, so that you can accept yourself.
We all come through this.
Just stick around, talk to other gay people, it'll pass eventually.
I hope you haven't achieved the gay death yet.
>I hope you haven't achieved the gay death yet.
What do you mean?

Also I know no gay people irl, how can I make gay friends. It's even hard for me to make friends in general(because of social anxiety and me being introverted).
Look for LGBT events at places. There's a board game store that has an LGBT night where I live. Also you could just go to a gay bar.
I didn't really understand that I could be gay and a normal person until I met other gay men who were normal people
>What do you mean?
Better find bf or at least have tons of sex while you are still young, it would be hard to get any action when you're old and ugly.
>I know no gay people irl
Neither do I, since I live in a homophobic country and everyone is in the closet/denial here.
But simply talking online and shitposting on forums such as this one helped me a lot.
I'm 25 and trying to loose some weight and trying to get strong again... meanwhile I'll just have to live like a hermit, because I have no self esteem right now.
honestly, you're asking a complicated question... no one can tell you what it's going to take before you accept yourself or how long it's gonna take either...

it's not necessarily an easy thing to do, but you can really learn a lot through self reflection... i don't know how you feel about writing, or anything like that... expressive shit to put your feelings into something tangible that you can look at and really force yourself to confront...

and once you see it you can pick it apart, and you can see why it doesn't matter that you're gay... it isn't even all that there is to you, and if you feel like it is right now then you need to start exploring shit that interests you and work on making yourself more balanced... give yourself other shit to focus on that you can define yourself by...

and idk... really think about why it matters so much to you that you're gay... do you feel differently about people who are?

does that completely make up another person to you? why would it? there's a lot more to people than who and what they're attracted to, and it's not like you can help it anyway...

you are who you are no matter what, and most people are accepting of others than they are themselves (which might not be the case for you idk), but that's not particularly fair to do... and you should try not doing that...

but yeah that was long i guess, i'm high and rambling sorry if i said a bunch of retarded shit... but basically growth and reflection help your perspective... and just living your life in the moment and seeing all the reasons something like that doesn't matter... focus on that and you'll be able to accept yourself... but the thing is it's impossible to tell anyone what they need to do to get to that point cuz you're on your own with that...
Fag, dyke, tranny. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Do what feels right. Fuck whoever gives you the feels. It's hard accepting yourself when you've lived such a long time with a notion of; this is who people think am I, this is who I am. It's hard to break the automation. For a while you feel 'alien' to yourself. Years of living separate from yourself gives you a feeling of dissociation. It's weird but afterwards things are simpler. It removes a gate between your outer and inner world.

Don't beat yourself up. You'll learn more and more about yourself over your entire life. There is no one singular moment. You're constantly growing and changing.

Being gay isn't a make or break thing. Once you get out there and learn that people really don't give a shit it'll get easier. One thing I learned after freshly coming out is assuming everyone you meet already knows you're gay. How doesn't matter. No, I'm not suggesting behaving like a flamer. Be yourself. Just assume it speaks for itself. If it comes up just be honest and after a while you'll be more comfortable in your skin. Coming out isn't a onetime deal. You'll continually come out. The first one is like popping the champagne bottle. Every time after that is like giving a little pour. It gets easier. Less climactic. Chin up. Don't wallow.

Everything will be fine.
I hate everyone of the special snowflakes fags in /lgbt
Ohh god Anon! Stop whinning about someones teens gays fantasies and grow up!
>The shame, the pain, the hate never goes away
You need to embrace those negatives feeling to became a greater human. The first thing u need to stop being a whiny fag is accept that u r fag and TONS OF HUMANS
And thats is okay
You like bois? A lot of animals like same gender, too. The human evolutions developed by pleasure (endorphins) and "not morals questions". Sex is no longer about survival is about pleasure.
Second, u dont need to join the LGBT comunity
I hate the LGBT comunity
I hate 85% of the gays i ever meet bcuz they r so fuckin idiotic and lame.
Fucking hairdresser with -50 IQ
You can be human AND BE GAY
Ur personality doesnt need to be around being gay and sucking dicks. U r person not a sexuality
And Third, as persons who had depression, the pain, the lonelyness, the hate and other "selfdestruction feelings" can make u a greatest person by accepting and using it as fuel to surpass the bad times.
You doesnt have gay teen experiencies? Great for you, who doesnt experiment bullying
You cant identify urself as gay? Great, actually lgbt comuniy are a bunch of idiots
You hate urself for being a fag?
Dnt be such a normie
2015 is a great time to be gay
U will have tons of female friends that love u.
U will experiment sexual experiences thats str8 doesnt understand.
Denial "straight male" Pfff... Grow up really
>How to find peace with who you are?
-I gave up
-Stopped caring about calculating my every move and thought to be straight movements and straight thoughts.
-I slept with one of my man crushes.
-Realized that wanting dicks didn't mean I had to act effeminate.
>he doesn't act effeminate
Traitor! You're not even real gay!
You're not gay. You are actually very, very typical.

You are pretty much as straight as can be. Stop desiring to be something more/ othet than just being straight, you're ashamed om not being abnormal.
How so am I straight? explain.
Then explain to me why I can't even get of to pictures of naked women, while I can get rock hard over a cock pic. Explain to my why it feels so good to think about getting fucked in the ass by another man.
He is baiting you, apparently very easily.
you're not thinking about being fucked by a man, you're thinking about being fucked by a big dick, see the difference?
dicks are usually attached to people, people have personalities, voices, scents, mannerisms, ideals. are you attracted to those as well or is it just the idea of a big dick that turns you on?
Big dick is a big dick, but I'd prefer to get fucked in the ass by a really /fit/ man, a strong man. I love watching gay porn, I just want to find someone to jerk off with and frot and make our balls touch. I'd also like to fuck a nice round ass in the butt.

It's kinda harsh to say I'm straight, I don't ever think about fucking women or jerk off to them. If I'm not straight and not gay... that just makes me real depressed and makes me feel like a freak.
>I don't really have alll that much interest in girls(the interest I showed was learned, I learned it from seeing how other straight men behaved).
Are you me? i always thought I was just beta
Yep you're definitely me
>Find women attractive but haven't gotten hard to a naked woman picture since I was 13
>Cock pics turn my boner into the Saturn V
>But not attracted to men
Help us.
We're just fucked. Sometimes I think if I should just kill myself.
With porn you have ruined your mesolimbic pathway. You are basically like someone that has smoked cannabis daily for five years, and if they quit cold turkey un-stoned life seems dull.

Seek psychological help, and quite possibly psychiatric help as well.
Imagine your mind as a grassy meadow, you've walked down this meadow many times on the same place creating a path. On this path grass doesn't grow as tall as the other places.
You basically have to start taking a different path and allow the grass to regrow.
B-b-b-but jerking off to gay porn feels so good! Also I'm pretty sure if I told my psychiatrist this he would probably just call me a faggot that jerks off to gay porn.

I'm not the poster you responded too, but I have always had homoerotic fantasies creeping in my mind. It's kinda far fetched that porn usage turned me gay, I remember when I was 13 and I couldn't stop thinking about my friends penis and his big bulge. It drove me crazy.

Also can you site any sources, because you're giving me panic attack right now, and I need to stop obsessing over my sexual orientation and just live and let live.
>when I was 13 I couldn't stop thinking about my friends penis and it drove me crazy
>mentions big bulge


you are gay.
If you don't tell your therapist/psychiatrist/ everything how do you expect them to really help you? That's just wasting everyones time, yours and theirs.

It's clear you have obsessive thoughts, I'd say bordering on compulsion, the compulsion being to keep on checking if your are homosexual.
That plus intrusive thoughts, you need to talk with your psychiatrists about this as soon as possible so you can get the proper treatment.
>How can I stop being so self loathing and just embrace what I really am?
By realising where that loathing actually comes from.
I don't see what you think is so crazy about me? Yes I've been having some obsession about my sexuality, that's mainly because I've started jerking off to gay porn.

The shrink just wants me to be on higher dose of ssri, but I feel like they make impotent.
I don't think you should be on SSRIs, I think you should be on SDRIs, this seems more like a dopamine problem and not a serotonin problem.

Yes, your obsession comes from you starting to jerk-off to gay pornography. Despite what 4chan tells you, looking at porn to figure out your sexuality is not a very good test, it's compulsive behavior.
You need to realize that people aren't the same, some people never get erections from looking at pornography, gay or straight. Some people get erections from simply hearing words, we are all put together differently. Obsessing over having erections is what brought you here.
Sex and anxiety are closely linked together.

It would be a good idea for you to be impotent for a while, so you can relax and get these thoughts of your head and learn to know your body in a relaxed state a bit better.
It's very normal to only get sexually aroused when you are with your partner. You have created a image, possibly from porn watching, that you should be on and horny 24/7.
So I'm not gay? I'm just some fucked up faggot with an fucked up faggot brain?

Having no sexuality just makes me depressed.

I thought everybody watched porn everyday. Why must I be such a mental case?

But what makes you so sure? Aren't instructive thoughts unwanted thoughts? I had those when I was little but I don't get them anymore, or I know how to deal with them.

All I'm trying to do right now is lose weight and stay away from drugs and alcohol and keep a straight head for next semester of college.
>If you don't tell your therapist/psychiatrist/ everything how do you expect them to really help you?

She doesn't ask me anything, I'm not sure if she even wants to hear what I have to say or I'm feeling. All she says I have is anxiety, I asked her if I had OCD thoughts she said no.
The point here isn't you being gay or not, it's you not thinking so much about it.
Everyone has a sexuality, it's just that at the current moment you are associating more things towards it, you are overthinking it, making almost every aspect of your life connected to your sexuality.

Not instructive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, such as thoughts about being gay or straight, or not having a sexuality, or maybe jerking of to some porn to find out what I am, or thinking about whether you got an erection or hard when you did this or that.

How can she ask you things if she doesn't know the lay of the land. Tell her exactly the things you are wondering in this thread without being asked, it's your time you don't need permission to deal with new things in therapy.
Should I lay off masturbation? I've been trying to not masturbate but I always end up masturbating at least once or twice a day.

A month a go(when I was quitting drugs and alcohol) I'd masturbate at least 10 times a day. Thankfully by going to the gym everyday and eating healthy I've managed to ease my anxiety. I definitely deal with stress by masturbating. But what's the line between healthy porn habit and a unhealthy one?
NoFap fgt pls leave and take your pseudoscience with you

OP is gay as the day is long. Stop trying to put him back into the closet.
That depends, masturbation in itself is never a problem but it is how you use it as a reward. If you put off doing other things, like socialize or meeting people and the masturbate to feel good, it can indicate a problem.
Again this is why you should speak with your psychiatrists about it, I don't know your case.

I would never advocate nofap, unless someone was a hyperonanist.
They are just trolling you. Obviously you are gay and not a cock-fetishist.
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