Can we get a funny historical thread? A historical "you laugh you lose" of sorts? I'm sure everyone would have plenty to contribute.
>The last Sui emperor, Sui Yang (A.D. 581-618), took the throne after murdering his father and older brother. He had a queen, two deputy queens, 6 royal consorts, 72 madames and 3,000 palace maidens but even that wasn't enough to satisfy him sexually.
>He had a particular thing for teenage virgins and reportedly used a "virgin wheelchair" to capture them. According to a palace historian after the girl was seated "clamps would automatically spring up to hold her arms and spread her legs apart, while the mechanized cushion would place her body in the right position to receive the royal favor."
>O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin.
More Chinese Madness: Warlord Era Extraordinaire: Zhang Zongchang
>Ex-Bandit, joined army of Northern warlord: Zhang Zuolin
>Takes command of Shandong Province, makes it his own little kingdom.
>Acquires the name General Dogmeat for his fondness of Gambling (Dogmeat, a sort of card game in China)
> Kept some thirty to fifty concubines of different nationalities, including Koreans, Japanese, White Russians, French and Americans, each of whom were given numbers since he could not remember their names nor speak their language.
>Becomes so powerful, he becomes known as "General Three Don't Knows." because "He doesn't know how much money he has, how big his army is, how many concubines he has."
>During one of his campaigns, he publicly announced he would win the battle or come home in his coffin. When his troops were forced back he was true to his word - he was paraded through the streets, sitting in his coffin, and smoking a large cigar.
>Accepted a lot of White Russian refugees fleeing Bolsheviks. Organized them into a personal bodyguard of White Russian lancers.
>Was in Opium trade, with his son in charge of the operation. A deal gone bad and his son and three other officers engaged in a shootout. They killed each other.
Eventually defeated in 1928 by Chiang Kai-Shek, he fled to Japan.
> "Accidentally" shot Prince Xien Kai, a cousin of Emperor Puyi. According to Zhang the gun he was holding while standing at his hotel window happened to go off and shoot the prince in the back, killing him, but likely he killed the playboy prince for dallying with one of Zhang's concubines.
>Was charged, found guilty by a Japanese court, and given the choice between 15 days imprisonment or a $150 fine.
>He chose the fine.
>a cousin of Emperor Puyi
>15 days imprisonment or a $150 fine
i would have thought that the nips would have had him tortured for months before killing him through exposure. Why was he let off so easily?
>The contrast between the glorious, pre-Islamic Persian civilization and the primitive and unsophisticated tribal lifestyle of the Arab Bedouins is the main theme of the šoʿubi literature, which generally satirizes Arabs for their diet of snakes, mice, lizards, and camel milk.
>A vivid example of the claim for Persian superiority may be seen in a poem by Ebrāhim b. Mamšāḏ of Isfahan [...] “I am the son of the noble descendants of Jam, and the inheritance of the kings of Persia has fallen to my lot. … I am reviving their glory, which has been lost and effaced by the length of time. … Say then to all sons of Hashem: Return to your country in the Hejaz, to eat lizards and to graze your sheep.
Persians, the /r9k/ of Islam.
>>During one of his campaigns, he publicly announced he would win the battle or come home in his coffin. When his troops were forced back he was true to his word - he was paraded through the streets, sitting in his coffin, and smoking a large cigar.
It's from after the conquest, but also after arabs lost control of the area. The ones writing all that were mostly muslim persians. The cited text in the second paragraph is from the 9th century.
Well it was found scrawled in a gladiator barracks, so it may well have been a metaphor for something.
But the thought of a mighty gladiator pulling a freshly baked loaf of bread out of the oven with a smile on his face humours me.
>le world peace
>le noble savage
>le muslim golden age
You're welcome world for being conquered by civilised people instead of riceniggers or muslims.
>a queen, two deputy queens, 6 royal consorts, 72 madames and 3,000 palace maidens but even that wasn't enough to satisfy him sexually.
>kill dad and bro
>achieve thousands of bitches
B A S E D
there are plenty of versions of this around m8, it's a relatively popular meme
Speaking of China, Zhang Xianzhong, a rebellion leader who reportedly depopulated the whole of Sichuan with his army, cut off the arms and legs of the dead for good luck and erected a monument to his deeds in Chengdu, with an inscription that read:
Heaven brings forth innumerable things to nurture man.
Man has nothing good with which to recompense Heaven.
Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Yeah guy was straight out of 40k
>In another, to give thanks for his recovery after an illness, he was said to have cut off the feet of many women. The severed feet were heaped in two piles with those of his favorite concubine, whose feet were unusually small, placed on top, and these two piles of feet were then doused in oil and set alight to be what he called "heavenly candles"
>had a throne made of human ears
>had all the civilians killed in front of him by his men, then when the civilians ran out he had them fight each other in impromptu gladiator fights
Of course, 90% of the stuff is most likely demonization and propaganda, but it's still worse than Dracula
>"Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?"
>While fitting out in Kronstadt in May 1904 in preparation for the installation of her armor, some temporary sheathing was removed that allowed water to enter and sank the ship five days later. The water was pumped out and the ship refloated without incident.
>Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here.
Seems like some relevant information. As if they were thinking if the doctor of the emperor shat well here i might do the same
Not only shat here, but shat here well.
You wouldn't want to shit at just any wall if you could shit at a wall where a celebrity doctor recommends it?
The barman probably charged extra for that stuff.
>tfw some people actually believe this
Back to tumble with you
Well, not "the papacy", just a particularly butthurt pope.
One time Napoleon Bonaparte wanted to have a hunt after singing the Treaties of Tilsit, so he arranged a big party and invited people to hunt rabbits with him, but the guy he told to get the rabbits ended up bringing hundreds of domesticated rabbits, instead of wild ones. When released from their cages they didn't run away. Instead, thinking it was feeding time, they all charged Napoleon and the other hunters. He had to flee in his carriage but apparently it was a big mess trying to get away from rabbits climbing all over him.
>The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
>Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.
That's simultaneously awesome and sad and then scary.
Like, I think of myself as aware of my own mortality and sort of pride myself in my capacity to enjoy life despite this.
And these people bleed and die way more often and somehow i'd convinced myself that people of the past found distraction in lives that carried much more hardship, but they feel the same thing with the exact same self-awareness, have the exact same dumb sense of humor.
And I had the audacity to have some form of pity for them and their hardship, when my own existence is just as fleeting.
Eugene von Savoyen was pretty based though.
I'd say he survived a good fight with his buddies, they got shitfaced the whole night, he came back to his barracks still drunk like he had never been before, tried to made bread and writ it on the wall.
And the cringed a little every time he passed by the graffiti.
>James II (IV of Scotland) of England arrived defeated after the battle in Dublin complaining the Irish had raced from the field whereupon a Lady of Court observed that “The King has surely won the race!” James became known in Ireland as "Séamus an Chaca" or ‘James the Shit’ because he deserted his Irish supporters.
The book "The Tzar's Last Armada" also gives an amusing account of the voyage.
>Due to the heavy casualties suffered at Attu Island, planners were expecting another costly operation. The Japanese tactical planners had, however, realized the isolated island was no longer defensible and planned for an evacuation.
>Although small, there were signs of Japanese retreat. Anti-aircraft guns, once active during the bombardment of Kiska, were silent when Allied planes flew over in the days leading up to the invasion.
>On August 15, 1943, the 7th Division (U.S.) and the 13th Infantry Brigade (Canada), landed on opposite shores of Kiska.
>Both U.S. and Canadian forces mistook each other as the Japanese and, as a result of friendly fire, 28 Americans and 4 Canadians were killed, with wounded on either side. A stray Japanese mine caused the USS Abner Read (DD-526) to lose a large chunk of its stern. The blast killed 71 and wounded 47. 191 troops went missing during the two-day stay on the island and presumably also died from friendly fire, booby traps, or environmental causes. Four other troops had also been killed by landmines or other traps.
>Both U.S. and Canadian forces mistook each other as the Japanese and, as a result of friendly fire, 28 Americans and 4 Canadians were killed
>28 Americans and 4 Canadians
Fucking hell, with an army like that it's no wonder the US needed atomic weapons to win the Pacific War.
>Heaven brings forth innumerable things to nurture man.
>Man has nothing good with which to recompense Heaven.
Of course the leaders would have food and the people would starve.
>VIII (Street of the Theaters); 64: A copper pot went missing from my shop. Anyone who returns it to me will be given 65 bronze coins (sestertii). 20 more will be given for information leading to the capture of the thief.
I know this is old but every time I see it I gotta giggle. Whoever made this is a genius.
I hate this list but it gets way too much airtime on 4chan and Reddit.
This was made by a 14-year-old gay kid with no understanding of history, but people assume it's some sort of widely held mindset.
> was a Turkish nationalist pseudoscientific linguistic hypothesis developed in Turkey in the 1930s that proposed that all human languages are descendants of one proto-Turkic primal language. The theory proposed that because this primal language had close phonemic resemblances to Turkish, all other languages can essentially be traced back to Turkic roots. According to the theory, the Central Asian worshippers, who wanted to salute the omnipotence of the sun and its life-giving qualities, had done so by transforming their meaningless blabbering into a coherent set of ritual utterings, and language was born, hence the name
>Mummia was offered for sale medicinally as late as 1908 in the catalogue of E. Merck.
>While Egyptian mummies were traditionally the source for mummia, as demand increased throughout the Renaissance, other types of corpses came to be used including non-Egyptian mummies and bodies of the recently deceased that were specially prepared.
>To the one defecating here. Beware of the curse. If you look down on this curse, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy.
>good luck and fortune will come to you but only if you post THANK YOU BASED JUPITER on this bathroom wall
>tfw the traitorous Petain blocked the glorious Franco-British union
>tfw you will always be shackled to Anglo mutants and glorious fellow Gauls.
Feels bad man.
And yet, the Belgians found a way to make it worse. It's the only thing on that list that's true; the Congo Free State was utterly indefensible m8. Even other colonial powers thought it was outrageous.
>I'm not seeing any joke
Neither was the Royal Navy after 1943.
>Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera.
>tfw 79AD was 1936 years ago
Well, the Jordanians would have never been a part of it anyways. The Hashemite Pan-Arabism was opposed to Nasser's Pan-Arabism from the start. You would have needed to depose King Hussein to have had a shot, and once King Hussein had the PLO kicked out of his country that wasn't going to happen.
that's the point
Nasser faced too much opposition from too many sides to accomplish anything
Israel didn't want powerful Arab states, the Hashemites and Saudis didn't want socialism and republicanism to take hold, etc.
I will never understand how the Irish think themselves as good as highlanders.
Highlanders are truly god tier Brits. Lowlanders and the English are weird, but not nearly as bad as the Irish.
>implying a slave's only possible existence was as a gladiator
The typical Roman slave was a household retainer or a municipal laborer. If a guy was a baker before enslavement, he would likely stay one for his master. Romans were hedonists, and having a dude who makes you fresh bread for free had more attraction than yet another trash gladiator who probably wouldn't be fun to watch.
battle of the chains
Most of the Persians who were not chained
managed to escape, but those who were chain-linked found their chains a death trap. Unable to
move fast, they fell an easy prey to the victorious Muslims and were slain in thousands before
darkness set in to put an end to the slaughter. Qubaz and Anushjan managed to escape and
succeeded in extricating a large portion of the army from the battlefield.
For the first time the Persians found it necessary to revise their opinions about the Arabs. It was
clear that there was something about Islam which had turned this backward, disorganised and
unruly race into a powerful, closely-knit and disciplined force of conquest.
battle of blood river
Then Khalid raised his hands in
supplication and prayed to Allah:
"O Lord! If You give us victory, I shall see that
no enemy warrior is left alive until their river runs with
their blood!" Every vanquished warrior who fell into the victors' hands was
decapitated. Khalid was keeping his pledge! Not till sometime on the third day was the last man
Once the killing had stopped, a group of officers gathered around Khalid on the river bank. They
looked upon a messy sight. Qaqa turned to Khalid and said, "If you kill all the people of the earth
their blood will not flow as long as this river is dammed. The earth will not absorb all the blood. Let
the water run in the river. Thus you shall keep your pledge." 2
Others added, "We have heard that when the earth absorbs some of the blood of the sons of
Adam, it refuses to accept more." 3
Khalid ordered that the dam be opened. As it was opened the water rushed over the bed of the
river and the blood lying in pools on the bed flowed with the water. This river then became known
as the River of Blood.
stay mad Persian(p.s ur not white)
Well Indus people were indeed pretty rad, although I don't think they ever interacted with "white people"
And Native Americans were pretty advanced if you included Central and South America
>Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?
This man had relationship troubles so bad that he threatened the goddess of love.
>carving it into the wall while actually taking a shit
>Romans literally invented shitposting
Well there's this, but I'm not sure it counts.
>II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8767: Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.
I love people.
Seems like there were some cases of grave shitters as well, enough that some guy had this be written on his tombstone (jokingly):
"Guest, do not urinate against the tomb, the bones beg you,
for, if you wish to be more pleasing to this man, shit.
You look upon the nettle monuments; go away, shitter.
It is not save for you to open your ass here.
>VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1812: Caesius faithfully loves M[…name lost]
>Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10677: Apelles the chamberlain with Dexter, a slave of Caesar, ate here most agreeably and had a screw at the same time.
>Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10678: Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice.
>We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus
I want a movie about these two, how they passed through Pompeii and shit. It'd be like a historical Harold and Kumar.