Oh boy /fit/ do I have a story for you. ITT: Fat people stories

Continued

>cops show up and immediately recognize the disturbance
>ask her to leave
>says she's not leaving until I pay for her broken nail
>another officer asks me to step aside and tell me what happened
>I explain, kek's were had
>ask me if I want to press charges
>fuck it, I say yes, back of my head hurts pretty bad
>officer I was talking to tells what happens to the rest of the officers
>hamplanet is still yelling across the gym at me and the officers
>officers go over to her and ask her to put her hands behind her back
>her friend seems to non-chalantly ignore everything that's going on
>she refuses, saying she's done nothing wrong, she knows her rights
>officer asks again
>refuses
>grabs her by the wrist, tries to slap the officer
>miss
>officer pulls her down to the ground, chest first
>it's like watching the titanic sink
>pins her down and cuffs her while reading her her rights
>she's still squirming like a fish out of water
>being charged with aggravated assault, attempted assault on an officer, and disturbing the peace
>Didn't go to the gym for a few weeks after that, head hurt pretty bad
>Did some light cardio at home

Fast foward 4 months

>Haven't seen the second hamplanet in awhile
>guess she quit
>about a week after that I came in a couple hours early
>2nd hamplanet is no longer a hamplanet
>looks pretty good 7/10
>still never spoken to her at all

Good to see she was motivated.

OP confirmed for low-test cardio bunny who can't handle real women.

>>27971959
This

Glorious. Sometimes I think I'd actually enjoy Murrica

>more than 10 mins cardio as a warmup for LIFTAN

What are you, a sissy?

>>27971932
if after 4 months she is no longer a hamplanet and already a 7/10 either something is wrong with your standards or she never was really a hamplanet to begin with

>>27971932

Why haven't you spoken to her?

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>>27971915
Good on you OP

>>27971915
Do you know what happened the hamplanet who got arrested OP? What was her sentence?

>>27972087
this

>>27971959
lel wut m8? i mean i probably would've punched the bitch myself, but I think he did the best possible thing. I would've loved to see a raging burger get arrested

Post faster you faggots. I can finish a set before a new one is posted. I need something to read between the breaks.

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>>27971915
>>27971932

I didnt mind that story op you must be a pretty cool guy/grill

That's what you get for doing cardio OP

>>Cardio day, generally alternate between treadmill and cycle

why do you have a cardio day? lol.

just go outside n play some sports or take ur dogs to the park and do some sprints with them

>2014
>actually going to the gym for cardio

are you a woman?

>cardio day
>at the gym

why would anyone...

More stories, please.

>>27972080
>cardio day

This would have been a 10/10 story, but you fucked it up by having so much fucking cardio in it OP

>>27972504
ikr, id rather jog throughout the neighborhood and look at everything

>be at gig with qt 3:14 fwb
>we chilling on a bench before main band
>fatasauras rex emerges from the deep
>sweating and puffing after climbing the 10 steps into the venue
>its eyes roam the venue for a cool shaded area to rest its weary blubber
>spots our bench
>contact is made with the beast
>shows no sign of high intelligence
>paces in front of us who shoots us casual accusatory stares of grandiose self entitlement
>the beast looms is form over the armrest of our bench
>the heavens open and the wide rear of this monster crashes down and snaps the armrest
(rip in piece)

we kek and move on

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>>27971915
The down button on my laptop just broke.

Thought I'd let you guys know.

>>27972080
Can you run 3 miles you nog?

>>27972915
Yes, I forefoot sprint with barefoot-dynamics shoes for dat dere HGH gains. I run outdoors like a man, faggot.

At the gym, cardio is only a brief warmup for lifting, as it should be.

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>>27971915

>>27972561
I live right next to a huge park. It takes me less than a minute to get there. But I always walk 10 minutes to the nearest sports field and run there.
My brother thinks it's hilarious.

>>27972504

I don't own a bike and I'm too large to jog or run safely. I use a resting bike or elliptical with a heart rate monitor which I also don't have otherwise. Also it's free

>>27971932

I know this is fake but damn that would have been glorious to see.

>>27973004
>Yes, I forefoot sprint with barefoot-dynamics shoes


I don't want to see your individual fucking toes out in public, those shoes are fucking weird. Get some god damn Nikes or some shit and stop scaring the children.

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>>27973304

>>27971932
This sounds like a Melissa McCarthy movie

>>27973304
>>27973462
I had read the first one before but the second one was great aswell. Great read

>>27973304
>>27973462
this guy, god damn, haha

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>at university library
>reading The State and Revolution (ironically of course)
>landwhale approaches me
>sits down, causing the desk to shake and the chair to creak
>she breathes heavily, she sounded asthmatic
>she asks me what I'm reading
>I flash her the cover and mumble 'Ulyanov'
>she smiles and asks me if I'm a communist
>I chuckle and tell her no, as I am not an economic illiterate
>she is taken aback
>I tell her to make like the Soviet Union and dissolve
>she walks off in a huffington post
>I finish my book and put it in the trash
>mfw

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Happened yesterday:

>Fundraising and volunteering for various charities
>Handing out free milk ice lollies as it's hot and one of the things we should do is hand out a leaflet that explains how to prevent and detect heatstroke
>Common courtesy is that you put in a couple coins into a charity box of your choice and take a lolly, everyone but little kids do that
>Starting to run low on them, only about 20 left so supervisor heads off to get more from the students union building freezer and tell the others to make more popsicles/milky lollies
>Speaking to one woman with her son, first talking about heatstroke then she asked me about my workout/diet then suggesting a flavour for the toddler to pick out
>As I'm chatting to her I look around in case anyone is approaching
>Spot 17-26 year old blonde moonlet, not the fattest I've seen but a good 120lb at 5'3 or something
>As she gets closer I realize I can see her black knickers through her black tights, not even yoga pants but denier fucking tights its like she ate her fucking skirt
>The worst part is the wobbling, I could literally not stop staring as her flab was just...you had to fucking be there man, it was out of this world
>"Hi there would you-"
>"Deez ahr freeeh raite? Gud muh sugahs been runnin loh."
>She slams her fist clumsily into the icebox and grabs a fistful of lollies, gets all of them apart from two, then fucking SLAPS the toddler's hand away and picks up the remaining two
>Immediately deepthroats one and bites down, scraping the ice cream clean off, throws the stick into the fucking freezer
>Mother looks shocked and is consoling her crying son, my maternal instincts flare up
>"Excuse me, could you please put those back? What you did was out of order, that child was here first and should have a lolly and an apology from you."
>Wobbly stares at me like I told her the world is flat, throws two more sticks into the freezer box before I shut the lid without breaking eye contact

cont

>>27974263
I'm struggling to believe she took nearly 20 ice lollies

>>27974143

>make like the Soviet union and dissolve

10/10 response

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Can you eat a fishzilla?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7oVYfCGH4Y&list=PLYigBk2X8CETRtw6ZHf_1fRNF-mPWQxh3#t=114

>>27974263
>120lb at 5'3
>moonlet
you trolling?

>>27974263
>"Why should I give that little shit anything? They're mine, I need them so I don't pass out, why doesn't his teen slut mom buy him something instead of scrounging off charity?"
>Mother looks humiliated and at complete loss for words, doesn't help that the kid looks terrified
>Wobbly rants about single mothers while eating those lollies, then proceeds to insult the little boy, saying he'll turn into a hoodlum and rapist in a couple years, full tumblr radical feminist shit
>She's speaking even louder and trying to make eye-contact with people passing by, like she's been waiting all her life for this moment
>"Cut that out right now. You should be ashamed of yourself because I am. Give that poor boy a Lolly and I'll give you fucking Han Solo."
>Expected her to rage, but she grumbles and actually gives the boy a strawberry lolly, saying how she hates strawberry
>The kid is a fucking angel, smiles and politely thanks the lady, his mom takes it as her cue to gtfo and hurries away before wobbly changes her mind
>Wobbly clears her throat, standing there expectantly, figure she wants me to thank her or some shit, decide to ignore her
>"Erheeem, where's my han solo? we made a verbal contract you must give it to me."
>Bitch must have been living under a fucking rock
>Smirk my bitchiest mean girls smirk, nobody around to stop me going full bitch mode, look her up and down like she's a piece of trash
>"Han solo is a character from star wars, who was being hunted down by a big, fat, disgusting space slug called Jabba the Hutt. I was calling you fat, dear."
>She looks stunned, then her face turned a million shades of red, bitch looked like she was having a heart attack
>Screams expletives and random incoherent shit, thrashes her arms out at me, misses by a mile but overturns all the charity boxes and the coins fall fucking everywhere
>Ice box falls to the floor, ice spills everywhere
>Turns around and yells after the kid "Stop you little cunt, that's my ice cream!"

>>27974380
>thisdidn'thappen.txt

>>27974343
>"im beeeyaaak"

Shit i lold. reminded me of southpark

>>27974380
>What the actual fuck
>She turns to me and says "I'll deal with you next!"
>Wobbles towards the kid and his mom
>She's trying to run up to a fucking kid and take the fucking ice lolly back
>Slips on the ice
>It's like she's falling in slow motion, I could see every fold wobble as she soared through the air
>Falls down with a disgusting sound, sort of like splat but also PPFFFHHUUUT
>Starts screaming and kicking around, half her body is on the road so cars are stopping
>Rolls over on her back, crying and struggling to get up, then gives up and just shovels the ice cream into her mouth
>"Why does everyone hate meee? Why can't I just be happy, why is everyone out to get me? Every single day you're all out to make me miserable! You kick me when I'm down! You don't know what it's like being meeee!"
>Would have felt sorry for her if she wasn't a colossal cunt
>Shopkeeper next door called the police, was actually standing in the doorway and watching it all happen
>He hands me a small bottle of pink lemonade and stands next to me for my 'safety' until cops arrive
>She doesn't put up much of a fight, we give our statements and based shopkeeper explains the situation to my supervisor

It was pretty fucking weird.

>>27971932
Fish out of water? Whales are mammals.

>>27974143
>I finish my book and put it in the trash
leld

>>27974360
Sorry I meant kilos. I have seen much, much fatter women than her, but she is my first fps.

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>>27974380
>Give that poor boy a Lolly and I'll give you fucking Han Solo.

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>>27974143

>>27974409
>You can buy tshirts (available up to a size 32/34 in women's and 4x in men's!)
>32/24
>tfw 32/34 is my pants sizes
>tfw I still need a belt or else my pants fall off my waist slightly

>>27973059
>Scared of toes
I will never understand.
I don't wear them myself, but how can people legit be weirded out by TOES?
Like, it's no a third arm or anything crazy, hopefully you have ten yourself. What's so weird?

>>27974642
Not that anon but feet generally make me uncomfortable, not just toes. We walk on them all day, they get abused and dirty, I don't want anyone's feet near me.

>>27974642
I had a housemate that insisted I wear socks in the living room because my perfectly pedicured and well cared for feet disgusted him. I'd understand if they were smelly but :/

>>27972504
Not him but where I live it gets too cold to do cardio outside during winter (temperatures can reach -40 C) so I do cardio inside at winter. Usually I run at a track though but I've been running at the gym sometimes aswell.

>inb4 cardio kills your gains.

I want to live until we discover immortality, sorry.

>>27974470
That's just what they want you to think, anon.

>>27974263
>>27974380
>>27974465

I'm going to choose to believe that this happened.

>>27974642
I don't want to see yours

>>27974744
Then stop looking at my feet you pervert.
Just because I show a little toe cleavage it doesn't mean I want you staring at my toes!

>>27971915
>>27971932

>scratches the back of my head
>scratches

>Didn't go to the gym for a few weeks after that, head hurt pretty bad

>scratches
>head hurt pretty bad
>few weeks

Either this story is fake, or you're the biggest pussy on the planet, OP.

>>27974465
why would you make this up

Where the fuck are the FPS?

>>27975231

fats per second - amount of fat people eat during a meal/second

some hamplanets manage up to 20fps

>>27975409
FAT PEOPLE STORIES you fucking retard. This thread is 90% shit and no stories.

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I'll just leave this here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZnPHvRsx-c

>>27974263
>good 120lb at 5'3
uhhh

>>27971915
Yea, dumb fat people. Don't they know to.move away from system resonance? Errybody knows.

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>>27972561
Yeah I used to feel the same but the same old 'burbs get really, really boring and repetitive. plus it's construction season which can make the air pretty disgusting. that being said I still prefer to jog outside.

>>27975880
120 kilos! I got it mixed up sorry!

>>27974143
Sounds like you were just a dick to some stranger

>>27975584
every time he said "twinkerito" i wanted to slash off his neckfat and deep fry it

>>27971915
Your story wasn't a FPS it was just a retarded woman story.

>There will never be another good FPS thread because retards think stories like this are FPS

>>27974343
when he did that 'nomnomnom' sound, it reminded me that some fat people ACTUALLY make these noises when they eat.

>>27975584
No no no

>>27974263
>>27974380
It's always funny to read the made up dialogue in these kinds of stories. Isn't even close to sounding realistic but the anons that write it have convinced themselves it sounds good.

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>>27974343
>Out for a walk
>Pass a parking lot
>Fat guy sitting alone in car, eating some sort of burger and screaming lines from Moby Dick
>MFW

>>27971932
Am I the only one who thinks you're a faggot for skipping the gym for a few weeks because your head got scratched?

>>27973059
You know there's barefoot shoes that don't show your toes right fag?

>>27971932
wtf bs man people can't lose that many calories that fast. I've known people who do cardio for years and they still fat.

>>27974600
Do you even squat? My quads/butt keep my size 32s in place

>>27976418
This
Look up Topo shoes and try some on

>>27976522
I do squat my friend. Girls have even complemented my ass several times. It's just that I have a really narrow waist for some reason.

>>27976624
Deadlift, friendo.

I just started (tfw you never worked your core and lower back because modern sitting-focused society, and srs doms the first week) last month and I just hit 225.

Use the square cage too, learn to feel the difference in your brain body connection, and keep the cervical spine straight.

>>27974820
he's a /fit/izen fighter

>>27976697
Ah thanks for the tips man. I'm 6'1. 180lbs and I still look pretty skinny. I never really deadlifted much, but this motivated me to do it more often.

>>27976157
Underrated post

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>>27977008
As the anon behind that post, thanks.
Feels nice being appreciated.
Are you from London, by the way?

>>27974409
I'm actually impressed. She probably made some decent money from this already.

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>>27971915
>>27971932

I believe. God bless America.

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>>27971932
lel they should of tazed her
bro

>>27972087

Are you kidding?

Losing fat is not hard. Even I can lose about 3-4 pounds a week and I'm sub 20% body fat.

4 months of dedicated cardio is more than enough to get trim and hot - especially since soft women are still attractive if proportioned.

>Dads fat alcoholic gf starts another ill fated attempt at losing weight, asks me if she can take my dog for a run.

>Perfect timing, I'm going out at walkies time.

>Come back home, ask dad if she managed to run anywhere with dogbro.

>"No we just went for a meal", my dog probably spent a couple of hours lying under some picnic table.

Man or beast they will drag you down.

>>27974263
>not the fattest I've seen but a good 120lb at 5'3 or something

i stopped reading

>>27978138
120kg m8

>>27974465
I know it was fake but it was a good read.

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>>27974380
>Give that poor boy a Lolly and I'll give you fucking Han Solo

>>27978088
Losing fat is very hard. At least for me. I lack the willpower to not overeat now that I have stopped smoking.

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Dumping some caps

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>>27978349

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>>27978368

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>>27978399

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>>27978419

>>27978419
wan't she the hamplanet that got really fucking lucky and found a chubby chaser?

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>>27978434

>>27971915
>>27971932
thishappened.jpg

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>>27978448

>>27978441
Dunno, I think that was another one but I'm not sure.

>>27978419
>>27978434
>>27978448
I know Canada has obese people but holy shit is this that common in the US?

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>>27978471

>>27978473
Obesity like this isn't, but overweight and Obese By BMI Obesity is

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>>27978490

>>27978327

>Losing fat is very hard

0/10

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>>27978510

>>27978419
>>27978434
>>27978441
Genuinely curious newbie psychologyfag, why do people do this? Can someone explain this?

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>>27978533

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>>27978550

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>>27978568

>>27978534
If we just tell you the answer, how will you ever learn?

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>>27978574

>>27978579
Seeing as the only viable alternative would be personal experience, I'd rather go to the grave in complete ignorance

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>>27978588

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>>27978610

>ITT: /fit/ NEETS make up stories to feel better about themselves

>>27978441
yup he's fit too lol

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>>27978631

>>27978609
I think that it is a form of validation, personally.

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>>27978675

>>27978448
what is it with niggers going crazy over fat women?

>>27978609
All women like to feel attractive. Fat women are no exception. Thanks to fat acceptance and white knights, they are comforted in their idea that they can be attractive too, and fish for even more compliments. All attention whores do the same, they just want validation to stop crying themselves to sleep every night. Validation once isn't enough, they need a fix everyday to keep their subjective mindset.
source : I used to be rather pudgy, and was on my way to be a hamplanet because I stumbled upon tumblrs that made me kinda feel good about myself and my weight, through absolute lies and fatscience. Thank god I found /fit/.

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>>27978692

>>27978473
She's actually that fat because she works doing fatty porn.

>>27978706
>Successful roll
>In DH
Guess how I know it's bullshit?

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>>27978706

>>27978703
Thanks mate, but I was more wondering about the whiteknights. How can they get such satisfaction from blatant denial of reality?

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>>27978750

>>27978738
Hey, I passed a roll once. I think

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>>27978794

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>>27978758
Sometimes they want to fuck them because of low standards or fetishes, sometimes in the hopes that the fat girls' hotter friends will like/fuck them if they're nice to the fat girls, sometimes out of a misguided notion that it's the "right" thing to do.

>>27975997
>smiles and asks if I'm a communist

Yeah no, fuck off

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>>27978813

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>>27978869

>>27978473
no, I'd stop and stare if I saw her in the street

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>>27978794
Liar, only heretics and daemons ever pass rolls in DH

>>27975584
mirin forearm gainz

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>>27978890

>>27978448
>>27978434
>>27978419
>people thinking this is attractive
what the fuck
I can understand the high test threads but this is just ridiculous.

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>>27978930

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>>27972561
>ikr, id rather jog throughout the neighborhood and look at everything
Depends where you live. In
LONDON
O
N
D
O
N
there's an awful lot of rain.

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>>27978930

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>>27979046

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>>27979066

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>>27979073

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>>27979085

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>>27979103

>>27974409
Could SIR, or someone else good at art draw a disgusting, sweaty lump of ham in space, and just edit it over the pics they post?

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>>27979122

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>>27979135

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>>27979156

>>27974343
this guy just doesn't stop, does he?

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>>27979186

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>>27974143
>she walks off in a huffington post

>>27978514
ok

>>27974263
>knickers
>lollies

those words make me cringe for some reason.

>>27972080
>not doing cardio
absolutely disgusting.

>>27978995
and knives

>>27978441
>chubby chaser
>chubby
more like conqueror of continents or mountain climber

>>27978869
thats why you take the bj in advance before doing shit like this

>>27972087
I think in 4 months you can definitely see some major improvement there. It's much easier to lose excess fat, even for women, than it is to gain muscle.

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>>27971932

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>>27978419
>>27978434
>>27978448

>>27974465
I think from now on we should have separate threads for FPS that at least partially happened and FPS that are complete fiction.

>>27979186
Fuck. Can't you just tell her to stop acting like a child?

>be me
>be working shit-tier college job in kitchen of nursing home
>500+ lb landwhale on rehab unit lets call her amber
>amber is so large that when she needs to go to the hospital (for her many weight related problems) they need to send two ambulances and require 6+ people to lift her
>amber loves sausage and always calls for more when we serve it
>co-workers being fed up with running more food down for the landwhale decide to give her extra sausage when its on
>amber (unsurprisingly) gains more weight (like 50 lbs)
>confronted by dietary manager she complains that we "overfeed her" by giving her more sausage than it calls for
>next day fatty calls down for more sausage

This same bitch calls down for ice cream (non diet) instead of the desert (cake) because "it raises her sugar too much".
Nevermind that she already ate the cake.
Our supervisor (also a landwhale) basically says yes to whatever she wants.

The sad thing is that if she wasn't overweight she could get out of that hellhole (she's like 40 something).

>Be me
>At friend's house last Saturday night
>Getting drunk just because
>tfw killing muh gainz
>Party is going well, but after several hours it dies down
>Three in the morning, his neighbors stumble over
>They bring this chubby chick with blonde hair
>I introduce myself and we talk for twenty minutes or so
>"Be sure to give me a ride home when you leave, anon."
>Leave
>She makes an excuse to stay in my car when I get to her place
>Start making out
>She whips out he massive tits
>She unzips my pants and starts sucking my cock
>She strokes it out, cum spraying her face and hair.
>She licks it off her fingers
>As she leaves she asks if we're dating
>"I'll think about it."
>Haven't talked to her since and have no intention to date her

>>27971959
If she was hamplanet, in 4 month she's now in the chubby zone, wich is the best she could have done... and what you call a fatty for desperates.

>>27979687
Kek

>>27974143
The State and Revolution
>Know your ennemy.


>she walks off in a huffington post
kek'd

>>27974143
Better than OPs bullshit

>>27978813
my sides hurt!!

>>27971932
>head gets scratched
>doesn't go to gym for weeks
What?

>>27978568
>wut
>the
>fugg

>>27979291

10/10 would read again

>>27972087

Thanks for the indepth review of the obviously fake story, mr. Sherlock.

>>27980926
That's textbook rape in tumblrland

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>>27979291
MOAR STORIES

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>>27982323

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>Be in highschool
>Fat kid in my class
>Obnoxious, loud and rude to everyone
>Everyone dislikes him, but teacher is also a semi-whale and protects him
>One day after school, my brother is there to pick me up
>Brings our dog Lucy with him since she loves a ride with the car
>He lets lucy out in the parkinglot while we chat abit
>Let my friends play catch with her
>Suddenly, the fat fuck comes along
>Wants to pet lucy
>She just leaps away whenever he gets close
>I tell him to gtfo,she obviously doesnt like him
>Another kid tells him he's too fat to catch her anyway (Insert laughter from highschoolers here)
>"Oh yeah? Watch me"
>Actually runs and tackles lucy with his legs first and tries to hold her down
>Hear her yelp in pain
>Of course, she bites him
>We all tell him what a retard he is, he just cries and runs away
>Gets the teacher
>Teacher tells us she will report the incident to the police
>Brother talks her out of it, tells her its his fault and that he will never bring lucy again, blabla, apologies, apologies
>Fat kid still wants her to report it, says the dog is "antisocial" and dangerous
>Boil with rage as I see this fat fuck trying to get our dog put down

It ended well, police never got involved. We beat the shit out of fattie in school too but thats another story.

>>27982436
pls tell

>>27982436
Good for you, I have no sympathy for anyone who tries to put down an obviously sweet dog

Guys
Guys
Guys

I have an idea

A brilliant idea

From this point on, we refer to the fat acceptance movement as

wait for it

the Fatriarchy

you're welcome

>>27982711
That was terrible. At least try being creative, like calling it the pastryarchy.

http://www.youtubedoubler.com/?video1=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQZ_a8VXhiSc&start1=42&video2=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DEr1kTF3smOE&start2=0&authorName=Zero

Here's a little perspective for you folks.

>>27979452
>enjoy no gainz faggot

>>27982711
That's fucking gold

>>27978419
sad part is is that she could be really attractive if she just lost all that weight

Another chapter of chinaman coming in just a bit

>>27983572
hallelujah

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>Mahjong night
>Just a few guys from the restaurant playing (no gambling, just a few guys with beer and pizza after work)
>A new challenger appears
>It's the boss
>Sit down in cold sweat playing mahjong with the the boss joining in
>After a few beers the atmosphere transition is as gradual as harlem shake
>Laughing like retards, telling bad jokes, the works
>Black out after the nth beer
>Wake up, everyone left already
>Go make coffee
>Sit down
>Realize my dining table is broken in half just as I was about to put my coffee on it (still half asleep and with a headache)
>About 2-300 bucks
>A note saying that I should just come for the night shift today
>Decide to get a new table immediately
>Go to Home Depot to get a new table because fuck IKEA
>An old fat mexican employee shows me the tables, for all intents and purposes let's call em Bob
>He doesn't look like FATIMUS, just the normal uncle-ish burly fat (bearmode-ish?)
>None of them really seem to do it for me
>What I'm saying is that they're all shit (mind you my last table was wood with a finishing light glaze that i got for like 120 from a garage sale. shit was so cash)
>Bob kinda agrees and laughs, saying that he could do better than this at his house
>Enter Bob's foreman? or whatever you call the employee leader that's not exactly the real boss
>Young 20's black dude
>He's a hamplanet, fatter than bob
>Cocky as fuck, like those nerdy ass abnoxious whatever you call em in walmart-like companies in TV shows, so let's call him poindexter
>Calls him for a bit, overhear them talking about how bob should use his time to actually sell something to me instead of just making idle chatter
>Bob explains that they were searching for a table that I would like
>"Well, do it faster gramps. Time is money."
>jews.ogg

cont

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>>27974143

>>27984118
horrible story telling ability

>>27974600
dat babyotter 30 inch waist mode

>>27984118
Damn it dude you're practically a minor legend and you still don't know how to pre-type? Pls

>>27984118
Best storyteller on /fit/

>>27978641
Yes, and?

This thread made me want to go for a jog.

See you in an hour bitches.

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>>27984403
I keep forgetting to do that. T-think of it as pacing. Really slow pacing

>>27984118

>Bob just okays the whole thing, toughing it out
>Returns to me, ask him if about it (pretend to not hear)
>Just changes the topic and shows me more tables
>Still think that all of them are shit
>Ask him about what he said about making tables
>Bob tries to change the topic again saying that it's nothing but I insist
>He caves and tells me he could make a table for me for like 70 bucks (not including material costs), even showed me a sweet ass table he made
>Take the deal and went plank shopping
>Start hanging out with bob and his friends on their breaks
>Managed to guilt mahjong night friends to cover for me to go out during bob's breaks
>Boss will never know
>Discuss the table with them have a few laughs
>Notice poindexter lurking around, never thought much of it
>Bob taps my shoulde
>Invites me to a get together with a bunch of friends and family
>Go to his house that night after shift ends
>All dat mexican food
>Goodbye colon
>As I was savoring the burritos poindexter just invites himself
>Acts all buddy buddy with bob, he just lets him
>You wont believe how much this guy eats
>He eats more than the other fatties. even fatties look disgusted
>Chokes on a taco, Bob saves the guy
>"Man what da fuck did chu put in this sheit? AH COULDA DIED YA KNOW"
>His ghetto nigger is showing
>Step in
>"AW NOW THE YELLOW TURD SHOWS UP TO SAVE THIS THIEF'S ASS"
>wat
>Proceeds to yell out about how bob was apparently stealing from Home Depot and how bob is trying to kill him to shut his mouth
>This isnt happening
>Tell me this isn't happening
>This is worse than the sushi whales
>"MAKIN THE PLACE LOSE MONEY, AND NOW HE HAS A PARTNER"
>Pretty sure he's talking about bob making me the tables at this point
>He leaves
>Bob looks dejected
>Everyone else goes quiet
>Whole evening ruined
>Even the burrito taste bad now

cont

>>27982436
tell it

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>>27984682

>Go home
>Think about what to do tomorrow, hatch up a plan
>Call up an old pal
>He's chubby but at he's a good guy, an indian dude who works at 7/11. Call him Apu
>Go to Home Depot the next day with Apu and tell him to find poindexter and work his magic
>Waits till poindexter gets near the products
>Goes at him and becomes the most impossible customer that only american education can bring
>The guy even mastered the simpson's apu accent (for shit's and giggles when he sees his friends)
>Bishounen Senshi Nigga Moon finally snaps at Apu
>Both of them are screaming at each other
>At one point they argued who was the worse off minority
>Thisisgettingoutofhand
>Actual manager steps out to see what's going on
>Apu gets to him and unleashes a barrage of complaints and threatens to sue
>Long story short of that ordeal, poindexter gets sent to "sensitivity training" and gets demoted (this guy shows no mercy)
>Apu gets a nice discount on his next purchase
>A better guy and more experienced guy gets appointed as foreman
>Apparently poindexter was promoted due to affirmative action
>Fucking diversity publicity
>The bullshit poindexter spouted was cleared out amongst bob's friends and family
>Got me a sweet ass table for below 200 bucks
>Return to my normal shifts
>Friends come to me and apologize
>What
>They couldn't hide me going on long breaks to Home Depot
>Boss knew all along
>He was the one who broke the table while drunk

The End

>>27978692
>so fat she looks asian
>good for her
I don't understand

>>27985135
that's some damn good twist there, mike chang

>>27972504
I like using the treadmills better than running around my neighborhood because it's a bit easier to track my progress that way, for example; I was able to do 45 minutes of cardio at 5.5 mph last week, this week, I switched it to 6.0 mph after 20 minutes. Plus heart rate monitors are cool.

>>27985318
learn2read

>>27984118
>mahjong night
are you a 65 year old Jewish woman by any chance?

>>27985730
it's the chinese equivalent of poker night

>>27985745
oh. and damn that was a fast reply.

>>27985717
Was she as big as Asia? Is that it? Please help

>>27974289
I have like 10 freeze pops a night

>>27985758
yes, and?

>>27986075
That ne was slow

>>27978419
Is Dankii a common name? How has nobody commented on it yet? She may as well be calling herself "stinkii"

>>27986081
I have laundry

>>27972021
>you would man. observing fat people is actually pretty fun and there is an endless supply

>>27980474
No we shouldn't, if you aren't completely stupid you'll be able to find out whether these stories are real or Dale

>>27978534
They're being nice, that's it.

>>27978957
>because I'm pretty sure I've what you've been looking for
People actually use these shitty lines in real life?

>>27982936
kek

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>>27984118
>>27984682
>>27985135

>>27971915
FPS thread, just when I was wondering if I was gonna have a cheat day
>spoiler: not anymore

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>>27973059
Lizards, dipshit

>>27985135
Thanks for this story anon, good stuff

>>27976157
Now, I'm fully aware that I'm an ignorant swine, and a poorly read one at that, but seriously, who in the fuck would recognize lines from Moby Dick?

Past "Call me Ishmael", I'd not have a fucking clue.

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>>27982436 pls tell the story

OP here. Did not realize this shitstory would become so popular.

Clear up some common questions

>Cardio Days
It gets hot where I live, 110+ during the summer. Heat wave warnings are generally in effect. I love my ride my bike during the winter.

>Not returning to the gym for weeks/talking to her
As faggy as it sounds, social anxiety is a real problem for me. Used bleeding head as an excuse, healed fairly quickly.

>How long did you she go away for?
Not very long. Apparently she had a husband who was loaded and paid all her fines. She's banned from the gym now obviously. Probably uses this as an excuse as to why she can't go to gyms, fat cunt.

>>27982436
What a piece of shit.

>>27980926
kek'd

>>27978088
Maybe he got leftovers? Poor hound.

Good stories

>>27978568
Holy shit, someone made a comic out of this?

>>27978957
>hot women
>england

Ya blew it

fuck guys im at work and i want to tell jokes from this thread to others but im surrounded by hamgalaxies

>>27985777
I believe it meant that she her fat face resulted in her eyes appearing narrower, because the fat forced her eyelids to be more closed than they usually would for her ethnicity

>>27974642
white people wear shoes indoors brah. original toe sin.

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>>27971932
Mah man.

>>27978758
>How can they get such satisfaction from blatant denial of reality?
Feminism is a hell of a drug.

>>27973462
>>27973304
fucking top

>>27978702
high test brah

>>27975584
my god I don't know if he's just trying realllllly hard to be that funny le randum guy or if he's just a flaming fat guy who wanted a youtube channel

>>27985685
doing 45 min on a treadmill doesnt mean you can do 45 min on the road.

>>27971959
Stop shitposting plz gooby

>>27978641
Fatty doo doo detected

>>27985135
I think the girth of Poindexter was not really emphasized enough in this story. It's kind of strange. I can't just KNOW that the person is fat, I must be frequently reminded just how fat the fatty really is. A name that indicates size (the Black Hole, for example) might have been good enough.

Still a good story, though. I'm only telling you this because I know more stories will come out of Chinatown.

>be 14
>american
>summer, on a trip to europe with 30 other students, 3 adults, 30 days abroad
>England, France, and italy
>No one from my school was selected so I had to make friends
>On a charter bus most of the time, whenever we're not scoping out historical sites
>only 2 landwhales on the trip, the 2 others that were selected dropped out
>in middle of nowhere on road in France
>sitting next to qt that I was crushing on, sharing music etc.
>time of my 14 y/o life
>air conditioning on bus breaks, quickly heats up to 90 F.
>bus breaks down
>we're all in long sleeved polo shirts and dress pants
>eta before bus can be back on the road is 4 hours, and its only going to get hotter/muggier inside until then
>adults wont let us off the bus because difficulty containing students
>Windows dont open
>both hamplanets sitting next to each other, directly in front of me
>both are struggling to take their shirts off, with little avail, teehee-ing and sweating/smelling like pigs
>hear one of them "omg..i didnt even bring deoderant"
>adults are trying to keep kids clothed, girl im sitting with is chugging water and fanning herself, clearly nauseous
>hear a colossal fart directly in front of me
>girl next to me's eyes bulge and her brow furrows
>she projectile vomits all over fatty in front of her
>the smell is now unbearable between fatty fart and fresh puke in the heat
>i have a little puke on my pants
>fatty starts screaming about puke in her hair/face
>everyone starts leaving the bus
>girl next to me looks like shes dying, i give her my water bottle and the cheese crackers I had, to hopefully prove a kind gesture and get it in later on the trip (8.5/10)
>after everyone has exited bus, fatties giggling about gas station food
>one still has puke camoflauge splashed all over her body, only bothered to wipe her face off
>waddles 500/600yds to nearest gas station
>i sit on curb with girl/ bros
>we laugh about her puking on fatty
>tfw i got it in 3 days later feelsgoodman.jpg

>>27991119
my mistake then

lol which one of you was this, from TITP

>Asshole Doctor at a Restaurant

> I was at a Cheesecake Factory, and I was enjoying my time out with my friends after we had gone to a movie. Me and my friends are very comfortable with our bodies, and we are all big ladies. We like to call ourselves the “Large and in Charge” gang, and we all practice HAES.

>As soon as our appetizers arrived, MY DOCTOR was seated with his bitch wife right across from us. My doctor is extremely FAT PHOBIC and always harps on my weight before any other issue I may be having (like how I hurt my knees playing with my nephew). Just then I hear “SARAH, what is this?” as he gestures to our awesome blossom, plate of nachos, pizza, and chicken fingers.

>I paused to gain my composure. I politely reminded my doctor that I practice HAES, that I listened to my body and gave it what it needed during the day, and felt I deserved a reward with my friends. This ASSHOLE only gave me a shit eating grin and smugly said, “well, with all the rewards, you’re never going to look like my wife.”

>When my cheesecake came, my Doctor saw my cheesecake and just said, “are you kidding?” and just walked away. I was horrified. I ran out of the restaurant and got in my car. I was hysterical.

>Just then, I hear a knock on the window. I rolled down the window, but it was a very attractive waiter from the restaurant. He said, “I saw what that asshole said to you… Don’t let anyone make you feel less than beautiful… looks like you forgot something…” and he handed me my cheesecake in a to-go box with his strong, powerful hands and forearm.When I opened the cheesecake to have some, he had drawn a happy face in chocolate sauce on it and I didn’t even order chocolate sauce. Just then, I felt so happy and I knew that the asshole doctor was wrong. I’m going to report him to the medical board and get him fired.

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OC

>>27975969
you measure height in feet and inches, and weight in kilograms?

>>27974409
this is so awesome. i'm 5'10 135lb (you're welcome) and i would love to swim in a 4x hamplanet shirt
and then laugh openly at hamplanets who read it like i'm in on it and it's cool we're in this together HAHA

>>27993866
all my rage
These delusional fatties think that their feelings are a better expertise than A FUCKING DOCTOR
Those people went through YEARS of hard study
And these fatties have the nerve to bitch about how they aren't telling them what they want to hear

>>27995324
there's no way it's not a troll

not that a lot of fatties don't actually think this way

>>27989207
>tfw I'm often surrounded by family while reading these
>all fatasfatass
>often ask what's so funny when I laugh
>cannot say

>>27980822
>send two ambulances
Why do they need two ambulances? Just in case one of them runs out of fuel with the extra load?

>>27995563
they saw her in half

>>27973462
>dat low res

>>27974263
>120 lbs at 5'3"

That's actually around normal.

>>27974380
>the mom's the one scrounging for charity
>we should have sympathy to people with diabeetus

I know there are some people who have it and it isn't their fault, but for most hambeasts they did it to themselves.

>>27974409
Can anyone here into art?

Someone make a more offensive version and sell shirts. I will buy them for myself and all my friends.

>>27974465
>things that never occurred

>>27978473
Unfortunately no. Depends where you live though.

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>>27974465
is this real?

>>27993950
obv not OC u bastard

>>27978942
>not lying because she's a friend
>not wanting to be the one everyone eviscerates for not complimenting her
>not taking into account she deletes anything or anyone that doesn't praise her body

>>27993866
>I’m going to report him to the medical board and get him fired.

Yeah, that's just the sort of passive aggressive bullshit I expect from pathetic cunts who live off being a victim. I honestly wouldn't even try to save one of these fucks if they were dying in front of me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0d1P77VkKA

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>>27978349
>jabba the cut

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>work with some pretty okay managers
>one is obese but a bro so we don't give him flak about it
>walks to work every day and dresses
>find out he was a powerlifter in high school and college but had to back out due to injury
>new manager joins the fray
>skinny dykey slave driver who only eats fast food
>claims she's an incredibly picky eater (routinely turns down meals at company summits and brings in mcd's and panda express)
>teehee i guess i just have good genetics
>actually doesn't gain weight because she eats like a bird
>lines up her empty mountain dew bottles over fatbro's stuff
>fatbro is trying to stop drinking soda
>bitchmanager routinely comments on his weight
>implying he can't snap her in half
>fatbro ignores her because he's better than that
>one day hear bitchmanager talking shit on him to the district guy
>brings up that his weight makes him lazy and he doesn't do his job
>chime in that fatbro does three times the work bitch does and that her constant litter bottles in the store sets a bad example to customers
>Mr. District looks around and, sure enough, at least 8 bottles are just sitting on shelves
>laugh with fatbro while she gets chewed out and made to pick up everything

>>27999143
fuck, *dresses well for his size

>Grandfather recently moved to Martha's Vineyard
>Family goes to visit him
>Walk into town, get lunch at Black Dog Cafe and sit outside
>As we walk over to the picnic tables suddenly my inner Ahab is tingling like crazy
>whitewhaleholygrail.jpg
>5'4'' 250lbs+, torso is literally a sphere
>I've seen fat people before but nothing quite like this
>She's eating a sub sandwich with her fat miserable looking husband, Mooby Dick
>Fitting with the theme of the cafe, a black dog (belonging to one of the nearby shop owners) is wandering the picnic table area playing
>Dog wanders over to beached bitch
>She starts taking meat out of her sandwich and dangling it in front of this dog before quickly eating it herself
>She laughs maniacally every time she does it, dog eventually walks away disappointed
>She and her husband leave before anyone in the cafe can locate a harpoon gun

But she would pay for her crimes

>Next day in the late afternoon
>Brother, cousin, and myself decide to go on a boat ride along the coast of the island
>It's an older sail ship, and boarding it requires climbing a ladder on the side and usually the assistance of the ship staff as well
>As the group is lining up, suddenly the blood of Ahab begins violently coursing through my veins
>She has returned, this time wearing a thin white sea dress, the sight of which causes small children to flee in terror
>She is, in every sense of the term, The White Whale
>People start boarding, I strategically position myself last in line behind the Physeter Macrocephalus
>She starts trying to climb the ladder
>The massive wads of fat in her lower torso and thighs prevent her from swinging her leg up to the next rung on the ladder
>She's been trying to climb it for a solid five minutes before the staff all try to pull her up
>They can't lift her because she's too far down from the deck and she's so fucking heavy
>I'm standing behind her the entire time this is happening trying to conceal my laughter

Cont.

>>27999650

Cont.

>Eventually she concedes that she won't be able to climb on board
>I quickly get up the ladder without any assistance (lost 45 lbs. that year and was 185 at the time, thanks /fit/)
>White Whale starts chastising the staff for not having a handicap-accessible ship and demands a refund
>Staff tell her she can get a refund but it explicitly states in the waiver that you must be in reasonable physical condition to board ship
>She becomes enraged and starts screaming about a lawsuit because the ship isn't handicap accessible
>She's holding up the disembarking of the ship with her bullshit
>Decide to put an end to this hilarious nightmare and load my verbal harpoon gun
>"You're not handicapped, just extremely fat."
>Her mouth is agape
>"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME"
>"Maybe if you spent more time running and less time torturing dogs with your lunch meat you wouldn't have this problem."
>She is completely speechless as is the rest of the boat except my brother who saw the incident with the dog and is now doubled over laughing
>"I SHOULD SLAP YOU"
>"From all the way down there? You might need to get a forklift first, ma'am."
>Last staff member boards, boat finally starts to leave the dock, blubber bitch is irate and on the verge of tears but can't do anything about it now
>We sail off into the sunset, leaving the White Whale beached in the distance

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>>27982936

UNDERRATED POST

Top kek anon

>>27988390
>barefoot-dynamics shoes

So, just shoes with a thin sole?

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>>27982936

>pastryarchy

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>>27971915
>flubbersaiyan

>>27982936
I will be doing this from now on.

>>27971915
>Cardio day
I stopped reading there

>>28002619
lol

That's right, every day is cardio day. :^)

>>27993866
>very comfortable with our bodies
>hysterical after one insult

>>27975910
why is he hotter than 90% of the girls out there ? ;_;

no homo ofc

>>27971915
this cant be real

>>27974684
Hint. Your feet dont look that nice

>>27974343
>hahaha what a retard
>oh shit i just watched almost 7 minutes of a fat guy eating a sandwich
>mfw i'm at least as retarded as him

fuck is that guy gross though. his other videos are possibly even worse. nutella one is unwatchable.

>>27972898
RIP in peace my sides

>>28003416

It's not a trap, it's actually a chick. Look up Ricky Reckless on deviantart and breathe a sigh of relief that this one doesn't have a dick (or be disappointed if you're a fag).

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>>28003465

I beg to differ.

>>28003836
I want to cum on them

>>28003836

>a woman who knows how nice her feet are

Fuuuuuark, my dick. You've probably drained so many nuts with those qt feet.

>>28003868
>>28003956
you guys have a terrible, nonsensical fetish

>>28004083
eat dick, feet are awesome

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>>28003836

l-london

>>28004085
they smell bad and look weird and have no real sexual utility

weirdo

>>28004100
>What is a footjob?

>>28004115
dude there's like 15 other body parts that would feel better against your dick

>>28003836

post the top of them

ITT: Shit that never happened

What really happened:

Fat girls used the treadmills and they were noisy. One probably touched him a bit at some instance.

>>28003836
holy shit

more?

>>28004127
Back of the knee?

>>27972011
Tumblr plz go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pcr8hPWMjQ

merica

How do you maintain longer beards?

Scissors? Haircut machine?

>>27995563
I'm assuming she is so large that there is no room for all the paramedics that have to get her lard ass out of bed and into the ambulance

>>27974465
This is the most fantastic story I have ever had the pleasure to struggle to understand in a stoned state.

>>27974600
>tfw I have to wear size 36 pants with a belt due to a lot of extra waist room because smaller sizes can't accommodate my ass
Thanks, squats