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Storytime of Pain: The Kick-Ass Saga

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Thread replies: 257
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This is something that I've been planning for a while. And yeah, fervent things can be said about it. I'm just going to be using the SoP banner as a signal to not to take this too seriously or get too worked up about it. I'm not going to be.

There's a ride to be had. And by ride, I mean such that may or may not include wondering why anyone would bother/some liquid courage. Four nights, four volumes. If you care to join in, come along why don't ya? If not, then wish ya well.
Now then... let's get in the mood to kick some ass.

This is-
Kick-Ass Book One: The Origin of Kick-Ass
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And here we go...
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Sorry narrator dude... too scared of heights.
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That hadda hurt.
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It's pages like this that makes me wonder what the real-life Dave Lizewski thinks about all of this.
Goddammit Dave, I have work in the morning.
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Now, I'm not going to say that Kick-Ass has maybe... the worst taste ever.
But I won't not-not say it.
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There was no way in hell that was gonna work.


Damn then. Weigh your options clearly.
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No, no man... I don't think anyone would have hoped for a lil' of that.
I get paid to be at work unfortunately.
Plus it's outside in the sun all day, so being hungover is not advisable.
Catch you for the next one.
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I'm not the biggest X-Man fan so I'll have do be advised... did it make Buffy look like shit?

Next one, then.
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Hey, everyone remembers Kick-Ass' THIRD friend right?
You know, the redheaded curly haired one with the glasses?

Such a memorable and important character.
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That last panel hits eerily close to home.
Also fuck you Comic Dave, Galactus as a clout was shit.
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The important thing is that he's doing this in the safety of his own bedroom.

Only good thing that movie brought was Norrin's voice. Rich.
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Buddy, that's far and away from a perfect combo.
my body is ready
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I don't even want to know WHAT "Nasty Ass" was supposed to imply.
Especially with that outfit.

Better be.
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Oh shit is about as good as it'll get Kick-Ass.
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No wait, that was worse.
Like, so much worse dude.

Abort mission.
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This is just bad form.
How rude of you David.
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Sliced and with a nice spread of margarine.
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>tfw I liked the movies better than the comics
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Always look both ways dude.
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I like to call those two "the most important characters in this series"

That's like... a real common opinion. I think the first movie was better made in most respects, but there are parts where I prefer bits of the first volume. We'll get to that later on.
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Isn't that line just the sublimiest?
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Part 2:
wherein this ain't no debutante ball
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He just need to walk it off.
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In flagrante delicto, David.
What else?
Really? Any time I see the movies mentioned on /co/ they get shit on and a I see a lot of "NOT MUH COMICS".
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My personal theory is that a wandering bum just jacked them.

Now it's my turn to say "really?". Because I see that only very rarely.
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Or you're just going wacko
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Yeah... those drugs are doing some amazing things, David
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I saw it most when KA2 came out. I barely see Kick-Ass mentioned on /co/ nowadays. But I'll shut up now and let you do your thing. Thanks for the pain, by the way.
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If only you hadn't gone out in a wetsuit and badgers some gangbangers!

Why, god, why?
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Yep, there the redhead with glasses goes again... being a part of the group and all.
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David.... you are a straight freak.
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Who can say?
I know many have asked that question about you.
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I will always be perplexed by how his batons stay in place.
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Oh no it's the "Stepped Right out of the early 90's" Mexican Gang!
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The answer is stupid.
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Gotta love his enthusiasm.
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By all accounts he should be losing this fight.
Am I the only one who hates every word that Mark Millar writes?

This is so terrible.
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Luck was on his side... that and their apathy.
from all the kick-ass stuff i only hate kick-ass 2
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Right, Kick-Ass 2 was just awful. The other arcs are either too incompetent to really hate... or has their moments.
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I guess today it would be Instagram or something...
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Part 3:
wherein he kinda falls into it...
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Ahhh remember the days when you could rate those vids?
I liked the movie version of this scene much better - they kick the shit out of him, pull a gun on him, then he points out that they are pretty fucking stupid to try to shoot a guy live on Youtube..
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It's a wet-suit.
He clearly bought it somewhere.
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You mean stole a name, David.
Also, there will never be a badass version of the Star Wars kid.

Yeah, overall the movie was better done. I just like the climax of the comic way better.
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That is the most godawful shirt I have ever seen.
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Right, let's take note here.
Marty's original name was "Toddy".
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Oh why David... why?
Kickass, with the power to beat up people while on the ground
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Using his brain.

Surprisingly very useful power.
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Useful... leaves a trail.
Whatever works.
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His intentions were purely honorable.
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He's going to hit you.
With his two sticks.

And hope for the best.
This seems like a bad idea.
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No shit.
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He didn't learn how to play a room yet.
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Here we go.
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Enter: Hit-Girl.
No stopping this now I'm afraid.
>I just like the climax of the comic way better.

I dunno m8, i think that being blown up by a bazooka is way better than lel mass murder. And i prefer the comics, even with the EVIL DICK scene.
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She said, "Tough guys, huh?", dude in the back.
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Of course. They were made of foam.

I liked the whole flame-thrower and just broken chair legs as opposed to the bazooka and jet-pack. Just seemed, and this is going to sound stupid, kinda goofy.
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Aww... the first of many.
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Part 4:
wherein they're just better.
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The H stands for Hallowed.
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Cutting for the very first time...
Oooh like a surgeon...
I remember when this comic was about what it would be like if people tried to be superheroes in the real world.
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Yup, foam.
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Innocent times... three issues ago,
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She spouts some over the top rhetoric
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Go Jordans!
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Then she probably thinks she got a good deal.
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She's smart.
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It's more than a fetish David.
But we'll save that for the very end of this week.
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That is... a really weird question.
What does this chick think about all day in class?
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Well, the boy ain't right.
I dunno, I think some people would be a lot happier if they had someone they could blame for a loved one's death.
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David couldn't cut it with the real big boys..

Oh, in that way then yeah, I can see it.
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Did he really think there was a chance they wouldn't?
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Cheadle was a complicated man.
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Part 5:
wherein Kick-Ass was never alone
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Red Mist
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Hey... that's an insult to season two David
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Striking out in all manners of senses.
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Not quite sure honesty means that, dude.
It's been awhile since I read this. I should do it again. And read it's sequels as well.
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Historic meetings don't usually get held in back alleys, but they'll take it.

Hope you can join us all four nights then
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M... I.... S... oh I get it!
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David makes friends real easy
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You parked in the wrong spot?
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These guys may be too high for this shit.
I think I'll save that last panel. And maybe crop out his inner monologue.

It'll take that long to do them all? I've only read this volume. But I did see the second movie.

Also, sorry for dragging you down with my Crossed shenanigans. I'll have to wait awhile til i start them again.
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Everyone knows that Red Mist.
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It's four volumes, so I'm just doing one a night, and no big deal.
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I don't quite know if this is hilarious or not.
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Let's hear it for the firemen!
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No, it seems like the kind of thing you'd screw up
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Probably poorly
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Part 6:
wherein... well, shit's messed up.
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Never try this without a mustache
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Damn it Big Daddy, that bag's not big enough!
Now I'm getting feels remembering the hot cocoa.
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Clearly she's learning all of the basics.

Yeah, but this had I just lost my daddy
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He's like a more insane version of Stan Smith,
Was there any particular reason why she showed up?
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They've been killing the drug dealers
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That is the biggest headline ever
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Go Mr. Lizewski
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No, Hit-Girl.
It's actually more like the Golden Age.
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David, the only way this is going to work is if you never use the word "nerdgasm" ever again.
>>little girl kicking thigh bones so hard they pop out of the leg

jesus, what are these guys made of, styrofoam?

she literally would not have enough mass to do that no matter how hard she kicked
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What a word.
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They're putties.
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What are some good other 'ordinary guy' type comics?
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... yeah.
That about covers it all David
Ah alright
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Yellow belly
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Well funnest or most crazy.
It's not that fine a line at all.
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THAT is one loaded analogy.
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How could it have gone so wrong?
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Cause Red Mist is a real motherfucker.
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Part 7:
wherein it's time to show them what you're made of.
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Always go with your gut Kick-Ass.
Unless it's wrong, which it usually is, but not like your rational mind is much better.
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He's goddamn Red Mist!
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1-2-3.. F-U-C
Hey, I don't think that's right.
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Alas poor Hit-Girl.
I think Nic Cage was a great choice for Big Daddy. His kooky/eccentric behavior really shined.
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Kick-Ass is just one lucky idiot.
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Actually, Red Mist, yes.
Yes it sounds weird you wackjob,

He had some great scenes, but at time he got a bit too... cozy. That cardigan. Wooo...
The first movie was good and had a great cast
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Hey, this is where we came in!

It was good, no doubt. But personally I'd always add that the second was the better Kick-Ass movie.
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Oh, here it comes....
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"Asshole" doesn't begin to cover it, Big Daddy.
Yeah, Jim Carrey as Colonel Stars was great as well.

I wonder who's going to act as Rocco in the third movie, if he's the villain and not the other guy. If they get Pacino or Jack Nicholson, i lose my shit, but i know too damn well that they won't accept those kind of roles.
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It's probably going to be Uncle Ralphie who we saw already.
The ENTIRETY of Justice Forever was great in the second movie. Straight up.
i didnt even know that they made a sequel to the movie
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Should have thought of that before David
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Goodbye Big Daddy

If you really liked the first movie you probably won't like it. If you only kinda liked the movie, I say check it out.
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This is a pretty ingenious plan Kick-Ass
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Or as ingenious as you can do when you've fucked up massively
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Lucky idiot.
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Nobody does the stupid monologing, henchmen bit...
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Who else?
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Hi ho!
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Wonder if Big Daddy had any "quip lectures" as part of his training curriculum.

huh so parts of jupiter's legacy happened in this universe. jupiter at least.
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They look like they're more or less prepared, huh?
I enjoyed the community superheroes aspect of it.

This could be you, your friend or even your family! A deranged member of /co/!
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wherein THIS IS IT.

Yeah, Jupiter's Legacy the comic is pretty much another universe where the villains didn't win and create a "real world".
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Johnny G's right.
Red Mist ain't the sort who's ready for this action.
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Kick-Ass and JL are the only millarverse books ive read. oh and mph which is good so far. everything else he wrote seemed too edge for me
>But personally I'd always add that the second was the better Kick-Ass movie.

Probably, for someone who didn't read the comics, but my autism can't forgive it for botching 3 of the 4 most important plot points in 3 like it was nothing. And then adding another ridiculous one at the end.
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Good point, Kick-Ass.

You ain't reading Starlight? That comic is pure gold. It's great Flash Gordon/The Incredibles fun.
shit i forgot starlight was him. yeah im reading that.
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Oh yeah, that's understandable. It'll make doing KA3 a bitch
I'll just pace around my house and hope to god this 404s before I get a chance to read it
is that cocaine
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Let it rain.

How about Superior? It's Superman meets Captain Marvel. It's pretty neat.
no. i think that came out before i started reading comics a bunch beyond marvel/dc
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That last panel will never not be awe-inspiring.

No. It's a secret formula. Created by scientist.
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Let it be known.

Red Mist brought a gun to a stick fight. AND LOST LIKE A LIL' PUNK.
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Oh that was all kinds of pathetic.
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It's a comic.
She literally would not have any of the strength, will or agility to do any of the stuff she is doing. That's the fun thing about comics, they let us use this thing called imagination.
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Whatever she's on.... it's a hell of a drug
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Next time get some henchmen made of real flesh and bone.
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Oh, Johnny G....
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You got that backward my friend.
I'm not gonna lie, I preferred the final battle at the end of the first movie. I understand that what happened to Hit-Girl in the comic was more of a reality ensues moment, but watching Mark Strong whup some ass happened to be abit of a highlight for me. Especially when that first kick came out of nowhere considering it was the last person you expected it from.
If she was trained since she was 4, the she would. Except for the strength part, but who needs strenght when you're sanic fast.
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It's a nitpick... but Tunk would have been neat to have in the movie.

That's cool man, cause I ain't gonna lie either. I just like this one a lot more since it was just a straight raid.
Same. I feel as though all of this is really anticlimatic.
Also, no hot cocoa scene.
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Neither can anyone else Kick-Ass.

I can't believe it took me over three years to realize that Tunk actually became a thing.
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This is the start of a beautiful friendship.

This was as good as the cocoa scene, I thought.
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Good ol' gang violence scapegoat

Hahahaha, no kidding? That's great man. Glad you finally got it.
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We'll get more of that soon enough.
Yeah, i read it twice(i don't even remember why did i read it the second time), but only now actually paid attention to it. I feel silly now.
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Ahh this scene.
This goddamn scene. I'll just let it speak for itself.
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What did ya think was gonna happen David?

I noticed it straight off and that's probably when I thought "this mini has been more stupid than not, but how can I really hate it now?"
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He's about to make some kind of history.
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Not this douche again...
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Didn't the guy who said that die?
Kinda bad luck charm quote.

That's the end of our first night. I'd like to thank those who made it through.
>those last two panels
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See you then
>If she was trained since she was 4, the she would.
No. The only thing you'd end up with if you tried that shit is a very very fucked up daughter who would end up institutionalized and hating you for destroying their childhood.
>who needs strenght when you're sanic fast.
Anyone who wants to kill someone.
I realize this is /co/ and all, so I feel like I'm telling a kid that santa doesn't exist by explaining that your comic isn't real but that it's ok to play imagine because it's fun. Stop arguing, it's a COMIC. It's not a bad thing that they make things up, but please realize that it's not real life.
Thanks, OP. It's funny because I actually have the tpb on my shelf, but reading it on an anonymous image board somehow makes it 10x more entertaining.
Cause reading with a group induces a lot of lively comments.
OP's a pretty cool guy, thanks for the storytime bro.
I preferred when Dave got his temporary happy ending.
No problem. I love SoPs
Eh, I like that David has to earn that shit.

Anyway, yeah not Kick-Ass 2 tomorrow, but the Hit-Girl mini. Chrono-logical order.
Hey, i ain't saying that she could actually do what is depicted in this comic, actually implying that a 10yo could masterfully use two swords and guns, and also break bones like it's nothing it's just too damn silly.

But a 10yo being agile and knowing martial arts really well? That's not as unlikely as the above stuff.
that was ridiculous, thanks for posting Dave!
Not a problem. Personally the HG mini is my favorite of the four volumes. It's just so ridiculous as well.
I do not have time to read this now could some kind anon bump this for the next 12 hours?
>The H stands for Hallowed.
Huh, learn something new every day.
Thanks for the storytime Dave.

Does anyone have the links for part 3 though? I don't know if I can wait and have been wanting to read through the final three issues for abit.
Chris was in the panel where they tortured Kickass and he admitted his identity. So is that not Chris in the books?
Thanks OP. I didn't want to have to spend my money for this,
But that -is- Chris, how do you think he knows to go to Kathy's neighborhood in thinking they have a thing together?
Thank you OP, this was great!
But why is he saying he'll find out who Kick ass is when he already knows
What are some other 'realistic world/no superpowers' series that you know of?
I feel like Dave would have kicked that kids ass. I mean Dave has dealt with electro-nuts and still beaten full grown men down. The thing about beating people up is the more you do it the better you become and damn if he hasn't been beating some faggots up.
You find out in the Hit Girl mini. It answers your question.
Bet they're listing to the Batman soundtrack
Thanks OP!
Decided to create a graph version of that explanation.
So, spoiler alert for those who haven't finished Kick-Ass.
force increases quadratically with speed. also, weighted/plated everything.
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