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People that flat-out cannot cook

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Thread replies: 91
Thread images: 8

I'm a pretty meh tier cook but my brother takes the fucking biscuit.

>Bro hasn't moved out to uni yet - still luking at parents house
>unleashing 2001 boxing day tsunami level disasters on the George Foreman grill
>every time he enters the kitchen he's got a grin from ear to ear, he's almost certainly gonna see how badly he can fuck up the extractor fan this time round
>sometimes i wonder if he's self-aware when he cooks or if he just smashes his ham-fists into any meat that gets within a two meter radius.

So one day I'm watching him go about his usual culinary tomfoolery

>he's sat in the middle of the kitchen trying to get his tiny mind to process what he wants to eat
>decides he wants beans on toast
>alright he cant fuck that up
Wrong
>He get some bread and slams it into the toaster
>he leaves it for about 6 seconds then tries to take it out with a knife.
>I tell him you cant do that or he'll get a shock
>he continues
>he manages to get this piece of almost warm bread out of the toaster, he just stands there and stares at it for a solid millenia
>"It needs to be hotter than this if its going to be toast right bro?"
>"Yeah just put it bac-"
He puts the warm bread in the microwave because I can only assume he believes the toaster isnt good enough for him.
>Im just watching him from the other end of the room wondering how long he can make question if he's secretly mentally retarded
>he cranks it up to max
>watching the warm bread rotate behind the glass
>"should be done soon"
After about 3 mintues smoke begins to come out of the microwave
>"Should it be doing that"
>"Yeah... don't worry thats how you know its being toasted"
>No regrets
>another 3 minutes pass
>smoke has now entirely filled the room
>smoke alarm going off, loud af
>he opens the microwave door and the bread has all but disintegrated

>"Whatever- i'l just have beans"

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I share a gene pool with this guy.
>>
In my family my dad's the cook and my mom.. well notsogood.
She doesn't read instructions or even go off them, she just makes up the numbers in her head and they're %30 of the time correct. Other seventy percent it's generally uncooked completely.
One day she was making mac and cheese
>put noodles in pot
>4 shots worth of water in there
>turns stove to max and goes to watch TV
>comes back sometime later with burning smell
>"nah its fine"
>Pours cheese mix into bowl of water then places in pot

Now it sounds like she does this stuff on purpose, but she wears aprons and shit and gets her knitted oven mits to touch the pot, then on the social side tells all our neighbors in conversation situations "yea I do all the cooking what would they do without me.."
>>
>Bro hasn't moved out to uni yet - still luking at parents house
If he's going to uni why would he move out? How can he afford rent if he is studying full time?
>>
what anime is that?
>>
>>7171254
Doubt he is even going to community college if he can't into toast
>>
I can cook fine, but I am incredibly slow. I am a perfectionist, so I will take so long to even make a sandwich. I don't mind, it makes cooking more rewarding.
>>
>turns the stove on to medium for everything, even to boil water
>literally never use the "high" setting on the fucking stove

My gf in general is a perfectly capable cook but this shit really drives me crazy.
>Can you turn on the pan so I can saute these onions?
>"Sure!"
>turns it to 5

I wanted to fry them TONIGHT bitch
>>
>>7171280
>cooking on high

You're the pleb, not her.
>>
>>7171362
You put it on high to get it heated up, then you put it to 9-8 to continue
>>
>>7170556
>this much greentext

take it back to /b/ or /r9k/ please
>>
>>7171374
Good way to burn your pancakes to be honest family.
>>
>>7171254
I'm a full time college student who lives in an apartment and has no job. Parents pay for it. It's nice to have rich parents.
>>
>>7170556
>watching a literal retard cook
>not helping out

The fuck are you doing, man?
>>
>>7171407
i bet both of those dudes like to get pegged. i would be more than happy to help them.
>>
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>>7170556
>Brother adds powdered Tea mix to hot tap water because he's convinced that's how fancy people do it

If he ever actually took the initiative to try and cook something, I'm sure he'd burn the house down.
>>
>>7170556
I use to live in a white trashy mobile home park (not trailer park, there is a difference), and my neighbors couldn't cook for shit.

>Would either go out to eat every night or order food to go.
>Usually fast food or pizza
>Would waste tons of money on gas going to and fro two or three times a day.
>A whole family unemployed
>They were also massive hoarders.
They were poor as fuck and how they got by doing that I have no idea. They would steal our shit too.
>>
>>7171666
I feel like schools need more home ec classes because barely anyone I know my age knows how to cook or that food can be really cheap.
>>
The first time I ever made food for myself outside of sandwiches and cereal was boxed Mac and cheese.
I got the biggest pot in the kitchen and started to boil the water. Somehow, despite checking the pot constantly, all the water boiled out without me noticing. I kept checking the empty pot thinking there was still water inside simply not boiling.
I can't remember if I ended up starting over, waiting for my parents to get home, or if I just went without food/ate something else.
>>
>>7171678
I'm going to assume you were under 10. In which case, why the fuck did your parents leave you alone?

If you were over 10, goddamn son, you dumb as hell.
>>
>>7170556
The first thing that came to my mind is what sort of university allows actual mentally handicapped people like your brother to enroll.
You'd think sensible entrance exams would be enough to keep them away, but not apparently.
>>
>>7171674
No, honestly most HS cooking classes are a joke. What schools need are home ec classes with competent teachers that actually know a thing or two about basic cooking skills.

I would have loved to have courses that actually taught basic knife work, mother sauces, searing/braising and spice pairing.

Instead we got """""pizza""""" and gingerbread houses.
>>
>>7171686
I was like 13 or 14. I was a pretty dumb kid. But I swear that fucking water just disappeared.
>>
>>7171744
Yeah, most if the cooking portion of my home ec class was watching good eats and occasionally making basic shit that I can't even remember. The rest of the class was sewing. That's it. And we only had home ec once for half a year. On top of that, the class was cut a year or two later.
>>
>>7171744
Home Ec should be mandatory, and fun. The way we teach some subjects is like pulling teeth.
>>
>>7171744
>I would have loved to have courses that actually taught basic knife work, mother sauces, searing/braising and spice pairing.

Holy shit, good luck not looking like a total joke in front of every teenager in the room, son.
>>
>>7171407
Fucking normie
>>
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>>7170556
>>
>>7170556
>>I tell him you cant do that or he'll get a shock
Just let him shock himself you tard. How else will he learn?
>>
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>>7171752

Glitch in the Matrix.
>>
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>>7171666
>(not trailer park, there is a difference)
>>
>>7171744
In my country we had some 'food technology' shit. So one part making food, one part making packaging and talking about how we'd advertise it.
>>
>>7170556
Wow you brit shits are retarded
>>
>>7171257
Get out.
>>
>>7171407
I'm a full time college student who lives in an apartment and has no job. Student loans are paying for it. I'm going to be in debt until I die. It' sucks to have poor parents.
>>
>>7174145
I'm a full-time college student who lives with his parents and is getting a full ride (and then some) from grants and military benefits (dad is a retired captain). I'll make at least $3000 next semester just by going to school.
Life is good.
>>
>>7172374
We have a fully stocked and outfitted kitchen at my HS, classes were fucking great. Breads, sauces, pastries, butchering and stocks. Fuckin awesome
>>
>>7171437
be honest here dude. do you think you can help someone like that? his brother displays zero signs of any common sense at all.
>>
>>7171689
LMAO. Universities are effectively businesses, run to pay out salaries to management; it's all about keeping the tuition dosh flowing.
>>
>>7171407
I'm a full time college student who lives in an apartment and gets paid to do nothing at the library. I can pay for everything I need because I have a full ride. Its nice to be smart and attending an elite university.
>>
>>7171241
Same here, my dad has been cooking for all of his life and makes really good food.
The only edible thing my mom knows how to make is soggy ramen.

Some times I wonder why he married her.
>>
>>7175074
She must have an awesome pussy.
>>
I live with two ghetto-ish black guys and two redneck/whitebread white guys.

The blacks make a lot of stereotypical shit like fried chicken, ribs, pork chops, shit like that. It's usually the cheapest cuts they can find drenched in butter and salt. They always cook enough for the whole house and I'd be a liar if I said salty fried chicken wasn't delicious regardless of the quality. They don't act like they're great cooks, they just cook what they like and DGAF. They're cool so they have free reign on anything I cook once my girlfriend and I make our plates.

The white guys though. Holy fucking shit.

>throw frozen chicken onto cold pan, turn heat up to medium and ignore it for a couple hours
>when I ask why they're boiling chicken they claim cooking it in its own juices is what gives it flavor
>tough, colorless and flavorless to boot as they don't use any seasonings, they just dump ketchup on it

>make spaghetti by adding a package of noodles to far too little water and then turning on the heat and leaving it for 20 minutes
>noodles are soggy and slimy from the undiluted starchy water
>drain the water, add the noodles back to the pot and throw in a mass of frozen ground beef directly and canned tomato sauce directly into the noodles
>crank up to high heat and ignore
>if they bring a girl over they'll always make spaghetti and throw in a random assortment of whatever dried green spices they find in the cupboard

>just last night one brings his girlfriend over with a bag filled with groceries
>I'm making aglio e olio and they cook alongside me
>they cut up chicken breast and throw it in a cold pan as usual
>then they open cans of beans and dump them water and all into the pan
>throw in a jar of green salsa
>"white bean chili"

I wouldn't be so annoyed if they didn't have such a haughty attitude about everything they make.
>>
>>7171678
I had a similar situation. Parents were working 'till 4 and sometimes one of them worked overnight, but I was usually home alone for ~3 hours after school since 7 years old. Loved watching mom and dad cook(both were good cooks) so I tried to recreate shit they made after school or experiment. I remember I fucked up really bad few times, 7-8 years old.

>make polenta
>add herbs and salt to water
>prettyfuckinggood.jpg
>put yoghurt and a teaspoon of paprika on top
>it's actually chili
>fucking inedible, even dad couldn't eat it


>trying to make cake
>vanilla pudding says "add 2 tbsps of sugar to milk"
>my retarded ass puts salt

>making rice
>stove on highest
>go watch cartoons
>what's that smell
>a 1cm thick layer of pure carbon where rice is supposed to be
>pot is ruined
>hide under bed, open windows
>mom finds pot under my bed few days later


I had a ton of fuckups but eventually stopped fucking up and now I'm a pretty good cook.
>>
>>7175180
>hide pot under bed*
I didn't hide under the bed lmao
>>
>>7171254
I'm a full time student studying in Melbourne. I grew up in country Victoria and had to move to the city for uni, so the government pays for everything. I get about $200 a week plus a small bonus (between $3000 and $1000) at the start of each semester.
It's pretty easy, especially if you share a house with people.
>>
>>7171678
I did something similar.
First time trying to cook a box of Mac 'n Cheese I filled up the pot with water and got it boiling, dumped in the macaroni, and then wandered off while I waited for it to cook.
A few minutes later I wonder what smells like burning.

That's when I learned that even though the noodles were under water they could still burn on the bottom of the pot. There were still blackened macaroni burn marks on the bottom of the pot for years after that.
>>
>>7172374
And 5 years later anon is the one laughing when he's not going to eat pizza every single day and actually knows how to make food
>>
>>7171257
You should ask /a/, bro. Everyone else hates on grorious anime.
>>
>>7175074
lol this >>7175086 ur mums pussy game ridiculous
>>
>>7175151

Got more?
>>
>>7175180

I like you, anon. You sound fun..
>>
>>7172788
Whether or not that's wrong is dependent on how many people she's aiming to serve.
>>
>>7170556
>2001 boxing day tsunami level disasters
what
>>
>>7175692

It was just for her.
>>
>>7171744
Man you would have loved my HS cooking class. We actually had times when we read books and learn't about cooking, not just reading recipes everyday and never learning theory.
>>
>>7170556

>room smelled like shit for the next few hours

yeah great job op pat yourself on the back for this 1
>>
>>7171254

>If he's going to uni why would he move out? How can he afford rent if he is studying full time?

not everyone lives in burgerland, dude
>>
>>7171271

people like you generally make good food, but cooking with you fucking sucks ass.

my girlfriend and my best friend are like that. pisses me off beyond belief.

>hey man can you make the salad while I'm doing the steak?
>np bro
>hey man steak is about done gonna let it rest in the oven for 10 mins now
>okay, I'll hurry up with the salad
>hey man steak is done, we wouldn't want it to get cold
>salad about halfway done

meanwhile I'm doing about five other things while cleaning up and setting the plates. fuck
>>
>>7171686

>ask my mom about childhood because my memory is fucking hazy
>always watching her prepare the food
>she tells me I cooked my first "proper" dish when I was 7 - fried potatoes and quark with herbs
>by the time I was 10 I perfected it
>parents actually ate what I cooked and liked it

whenever they have to work a lot I just did the cooking for them. it was a relationship with mutual benefits - I was always allowed to cook whatever the fuck I felt like eating and I learned so fucking much - while my parents had some time off of a very busy schedule

subscribe to my blog if u liked
>>
>>7174286

what country tho
>>
>>7175151

>boiled chicken with catsup

thanks I'd rather just blow my head off

that fried chicken on the other hand tho.. salt n butter makes everything taste better
>>
>>7175180

those are not bad fuck-ups at all mayne, u good
>>
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>>7171254
>>7171407
>tfw get paid by the government to study
>>
>>7175738
Think he mixed up 9/11 and the tsunami 2004
>>
Has anyone seen the show "My mother cooks better than yours" ?
There are literally people like described in the thread on that show. It is pretty amusing to watch it.
>>
>dad dating this meth addict cunt for over a decade because he wants to save her or some vomitous shit
>she does nothing around the house and has a high schooler's job
>one day he tells her to make fucking dinner for once
>she heats up a can of peas (yes, can of peas)
>she puts some meat product in the oven as well, I forget what
>somehow burns a one inch deep layer of blackened peas to the pot
>soaks pot for 3 days
>it is scrubbed by three different people and none of us can crack it
>had to throw pot away, couldn't afford another one

>my mom was also terrible at cooking
>usually fed me TV dinners
>she tried making chicken once
>tried boiling it in water, no spices, nothing
>barely edible
>remember one day I ate a can of green beans rather than the shit she made

>now
>I'm gratefully on my own and have been for six years
>mom calls me and asks how to bake a potato
>tell her "put it in the oven until it's done"
>she asked once how to cook a steak and I went over it in detail, took 20 minutes to explain everything fully
>week goes by
>she calls me in a panic, said it came out terrible, I asked what she did
>said it was still pink in the middle after following my instructions so she put it back on another few minutes
>and it got leathery and tough
>tell her because she didn't listen to me and she overcooked it
>"y-yeah, you're right"

She's learning. I taught her how to make two different soups now and how to use seasoning.
>>
>>7176174
I'm really glad you managed to get out of that anon. You're a positive example how people can overcome shit childhood and become something.
>>
>>7176193

Definitely, thanks for your kind words. I'm so glad I never have to live in that environment again.

Amazing what a few years away can do for you. Taught myself how to cook pretty damn well while at college. /ck/ is a great board.
>>
>>7171784
>Home Ec should be mandatory

In that case, it would be more general have a better/manlier name. A name like Basic Survival. No cake baking in basic survival class, only bread.
>>
>>7171377
Wow, someone's new.
>>
>>7171666
>They were also massive hoarders.
>They would steal our shit too.
>how they got by doing that I have no idea
They weren't hoarders, they were either thieves or fences or both.
>>
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>>7171377
>disliking greentext
go back to reddit
>>
>>7171254
I go to school full time in a separate city from my family. I managed to get a good Summer job this Summer that paid for all of my housing expenses for the year while I was living back at home over Summer. I have a job working 24-36 hours a week working graveyard shifts and may have to pick up another job during the day time after classes to help pay for my schooling next year and for my food, alcohol, travel, etc. expenses that I currently face. AND my parents helped pay for my schooling.

Its not easy but my goal is to completely cut myself off financially from my parents (who are relatively well off) by the time I'm 20. I don't understand how people aged 20-25 leech money off of their parents. Like fuck, getting a job isn't difficult
>>
Took me 3 fucking months to find a job after highschool, some people just give up.
>>
I've got an opposite scenario

>be me
>cook beef wellington
>turns out amazing
>tries to cook boxed mac and cheese
>watery, disgusting and flavorless

I can't do boxed stuff, man.
>>
>>7176502
reddit loves greentext though
>>
>>7175151
http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/free%20rein
Not trying to be a dick, just spreading some knowledge on proper usage. The phrase refers to the reins of a carriage, rather than the reign of a ruling class.
>>
>>7171482
This is true of every man with a beard
>>
>>7172844
Thats clever actually, what country?
>>
>>7175151
White people, in general, are worse cooks
>>
>>7175969
You sound rich btw
>>
>>7176174
How did you learn how to cook? My family always cooked pretty great exotic stuff, my mom being a vegetarian. And all the kids were forced to cook dinner once a week as a way to make us learn. But I can't imagine I'd be very good at cooking if I hadn't been influenced by my parents, so I'm curious how you managed.
>>
>>7177436
not that anon but that's what we do here in 'straya.

Food Tech is a surprisingly good subject.
>>
>>7175184
Thank God we sorted that out lol
>>
The only thing my parents cook is well done filet mignons
>>
>>7177472

idk man my parents have always been pretty middle class
>>
>>7171241
Sounds like my room-mate.

She just throws pastae in water, turn the stove on and proceeds to something elese.

She basically feeds herself off wheat gruel.

I live with three other people, and she is not even the worst. Send help.
>>
>>7171254
I go to school full time, work on the week-end and receive a tiny uni scholarship + help from my gramps
>>
>>7171257
Joke's on you, there's a Lilo and Stitch anime series by Madhouse.
>>
>>7177446
Actually black people, in general, are worse cooks
>>
>>7178472
>anime series
>>>/a/
Fuck off there now.
Thread posts: 91
Thread images: 8


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