Times you've colossally fucked up in the kitchen?

Dish calls for 2 teaspoons of cumin, read it as 2 tablespoons... Worst white chicken chili ever

Not a big cook, I just lurk here. But
>Egg whites in microwave

Was upset to say the least, fell for the ol ruse cruise

File: idiot sandwich fallon.jpg (73KB, 857x480px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 857x480px

>>7161338

I once dropped 18 eggs at once.

>>7161338
>Stomach hurting for 2 days because didn't sear chicken before dumping it in, poisoned my idiot self
unless your simmer was so low that the chicken was in the temperature "danger zone" for hours... it didn't poison you.

>Stomach hurting for 2 days because didn't sear chicken before dumping it in, poisoned my idiot self

yeah nah

>>7161517
Thats nothing. One of the porters at my job managed to drop an entire shipment of eggs .
>

>try to microwave peanut butter
>thick smoke coming out of microwave
>smells like death
>black charcoal turd in the dish

>>7161566
So curious

One time I tried to make gravy in a cast iron pan.

>made stock
>strained it right into a sink

File: dwi.gif (975KB, 256x192px) Image search: [Google]

975KB, 256x192px

>tried to make soft boiled egg
>hard boiled it

>>7161570
Jesus

File: 654354653778w.jpg (33KB, 640x480px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 640x480px

>>7161581

File: bart smithson.gif (21KB, 451x533px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 451x533px

>bought good quality coffee beans
>used a french press
rhuined it

melted a rice cooker onto the stovetop

>>7161619
I dont even want to know

File: culinary adventures.png (177KB, 472x268px) Image search: [Google]

177KB, 472x268px

>>7161338
Burned instant noodles into the pan.

Sister used the pan without realising the next day and assumed she had burned water.

>>7161581
Good job.

Probably not that uncommon though.

>>7161467
what happens?

i tried cleaning a pan with Pinesol. I'm a fucking idiot. I thought all cleaning agents would be the same.

>>7161338
>Trying to create chai tea from scratch

Jesus fucking christ, it is just chai...it literally means tea. Comes from the chinese "cha" (japanese also use it as an onyomi).

>>7161338
started pouring oil into a 6qt stainless steel pot to do some deep frying. the pan was already screaming hot and the near quart of oil i had dropped into the pot instantly erupted into fire. after the initial panic set in, i grabbed the pot lid, covered it up and put some oven mitts on and carried the pot out into my back yard where i proceeded to hose down the whole mess from a safe distance. once i pried the lid off i was treated to the smell of chemical burn and the sight of 40 minutes of hard scrubbing. that's when i learned to never preheat a pan before dropping a shitton of oil into it.

File: superthumb.jpg (73KB, 300x250px) Image search: [Google]

73KB, 300x250px

>>7161603
Motherfucker take your bait and leave

File: 1375595309153.jpg (18KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 500x500px

Just moved into a dorm room with a kitchen
>They removed all the ovens the previous year due to jackasses fucking with them, so I only had a shitty crockpot for cooking
>Dad gives me some frozen meats when I went to visit him.
>Only had one baggie left after a while, so I put it in the crockpot with taco seasoning and salsa
>Turned out to be frozen bacon
>It was a nasty, greasy mess that I couldn't even finish. I threw it out.

>>7161570 What's wrong with this? I did it, and it didn't fuck with my pan or anything.

File: logo-camp.jpg (17KB, 262x166px) Image search: [Google]

17KB, 262x166px

>>7161689

>>7161749
>I did it, and it didn't fuck with my pan or anything.
I'm not /ck/, but I think you need to do something to cast iron pans to make them non-stick

>>7161754
Really? I'm glad.

>>7161570
my girl did this once. it was a grill pan too... took me a good minute to get all the gunk out from between the lines without scouring it...

Spilled a 5 pound bag of sugar in the kitchen. Went everywhere. It was a fucking nightmare. Sticky floor for days

>>7161570
It shouldn't be a problem if your pan is seasoned correctly and hot ....I Always make gravy in cast iron.

.. make Fried chicken, drain oil, reserve drippings, make homeade gravy in your cast iron....You won't have a problem.

I've cooked on cast iron most of my adult life. My skillet I use everyday is about 80 years old. My Grandmas old skillet. Excellent seasoning. It's totally nonstick

>Finishing ribs
>Satuee pan, braising liquid, sauce
>Into the oven
>10 minutes later, pull pan out of oven with a towel
>Hey Anon, show BlahBlah how to plate this
>I do so
>Okay, time to plate the ribs
>Grab the pan.........
>Without my towel
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>Drop ribs, drop pan, run to the ice machine and dunk hand in.
>Whine like a bitch while Chef is asking for his ribs
>Oh, and now we have to empty the ice machine cause you contaminated it
>Great job, numbnuts.

When I was first married, I Tried to make a chocolate mayonnaise sheet cake from scratch using my hubs mothers recipe. He loves that cake. It was the worst cake I have ever made. You could bend it and everything. It came out super rubbery and I still have no idea what I did wrong. The homeade frosting was even worse, I scorched the sugar...and the frosting didn't set. It was a runny rubbery mess. I just had no idea what I was doing. When the cake is made correctly it's super moist and delicious.

I'm a lot better in the kitchen now. Live and learn.

>>7161980
.... Mayonnaise... cake? Fucking americans jesus christ I'm out.

>>7161338
>>Stomach hurting for 2 days because didn't sear chicken before dumping it in, poisoned my idiot self
Huh?

OP, maybe you should just go to a source before you attempt stuff. Whether you google a video for visuals on a technique, or pick up L'Escoffier or Better homes and Gardens Cook Book, get a bible on bread, stocks, eggs, or whatever, and use it. No need to reinvent the wheel with experiments if you don't have natural instincts, then get the recipes down until you get some learned behaviors.

>>7162006
It was made during the depression and after. A lot of old timers grew up on it. It tastes just like chocolate cake, the texture is good and the flavor is rich.... the mayonnaise is being used as a substitute for the oil. There is no mayo taste to it at all.

>>7161338
>>Stomach hurting for 2 days because didn't sear chicken before dumping it in, poisoned my idiot self
It wouldn't have mattered if you seared the meat if you cooked it for 2 hours; searing is more about developing flavour than anything else. It was probably something else that made you sick.

The biggest fuck up I made in recent memory was when I dumped a bowl of wet chips into hot oil. As the water turned to steam, the oiled bubbled up and overflowed. It was the one time that I was thankful for not having a gas stove since it would have almost certainly caused a fire.

>>7162006
>.... Mayonnaise... cake? Fucking americans jesus christ I'm out.
Recipe from the times of rationing. Subs for oil, eggs, butter, which were rationed. You do know mayonnaise is oil and egg, right? And that the pH of vinegar/buttermilk/baking soda/cocoa powder are all used as leaving additives, right?

Also, the recipe started in the UK, where rationing happened pretty seriously first. Stop showing people how lacking in critical thinking that you are by complaining about Americans.

File: image.jpg (15KB, 274x169px) Image search: [Google]

15KB, 274x169px

>>7162017
I can make a good one now. They are so moist. I love chocolate mayonaise cake.

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/chocolate-mayonnaise-cake-358241

File: enough.jpg (8KB, 210x240px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 210x240px

>Get offered a job interview at the bakery section of a local supermarket
>Interview involves a 'baking test' where I can bring some ingredients and make whatever recipe I want
>Decide to make a spongecake
>Decide that I will use icing sugar and pipe on a copy of my contract to make them laugh
>Get to the interview
>Make my cake while the head baker and recruitment guy watch
>They seem happy
>Cake comes out reasonably well
>Time for the piece de resistance
>Take my piping bag and icing
>Start to feel really nervous for some reason
>Try to write the words ''Employment offer'' in icing on the cake
>Hands start shaking
>Slip a few times
>It is barely readable by the end
>Try to salvage it
>Write 'payment offer' in icing
>AS I write it this time I read it aloud to them
>''Tt-t-this is a contract cake and t-t-this is the payment offer''
>barely readable again
>try to do a signature with the icing
>doesn't work
>accidentally spray icing all over the table and floor
>they are looking concerned and asking if I am OK
>try to play it cool
>"Yeah hha just hungry for a slice of EMPLOYMENT!"
>grab a knife to cut the cake
>drop the knife
>basically in tears at this point
>they calm me down, tell me they won't process my application
>still NEET

File: 1448083107940.jpg (52KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

52KB, 500x500px

When I first started cooking and baking, I did a LOT of dumb shit

>used baking soda instead of baking powder in cookies
>accidentally used expired crisco in a cake recipe
>used lemon juice instead of lemon extract

I honestly don't know why I kept trying

D-does waiting count?
>first day at work
>like 2h in
>have to bring like 10 glasses of tap water to a table
>everything dandy
>except when there's only one glass left on my tray the customer below me bumps into my shin and I spill it all over her
>drop all my spaghetti and apologize profoundly, clean the water up
thankfully they weren't angry and actually told the manager to keep me and that I'm a good waiter for a beginner

that was 2 days ago and the manager hasn't called me back

File: 1449688738184.png (427KB, 514x662px) Image search: [Google]

427KB, 514x662px

>Finish cooking meal
>Immediately dump pan into the garbage
>Stand there for about a minute, mind totally empty of all thought
>"FUCK"

>be a kid
>got an ice cream machine for christmas
>try to make first batch of ice cream
>leave half gallon of milk on the counter
>no cap
>knock it over
>spills all over the counter, floor, and cabinets

>>7162040
underrated post

>>7162040
>>Get offered a job interview at the bakery section of a local supermarket
It's sad that this is the most unrealistic part.

>>7161619
You now know that they have their own heating element, right?

File: make gifs at gifsoup.com.gif (422KB, 320x180px) Image search: [Google]

422KB, 320x180px

>be kid
>making easy mac in microwave
>smell burning
>forgot to add water

>>7161754
>its autistic to know things
better an autist than a retard

File: 4355436355342352.jpg (9KB, 300x169px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 300x169px

>>7162778
>berates poster for making mistakes as a beginner cook
>assumes being called an autist for knowing how to cook chai

>Trying to make party cheese salad
>Use home made whipped cream instead of authentic cool whip

>>7161689
You absolutely know that the word "chai" used in this context is referring to indian spiced tea. You don't need to go full retard about it.

File: 1447091320595.jpg (145KB, 493x500px) Image search: [Google]

145KB, 493x500px

>>7162040
>hungry for a slice of employment

>>7161955
>Sticky floor

Did you try to mop it? Just a broom and dustmop should have solved that problem, m8. Maybe a vacuum for stray bits and a mop once you can't see anything to dissolve and soak up very little.

My first grease fire at home. Anyone care to guess how I fucked up?


I've also thrown ice cubes into a deep fryer but that was more so to fuck with the cook standing next to it.

>>7161619
when I was a toddler my mother melted the plastic top of our deep fryer on the stovetop, about 14 years later, my father melted the rest of the deep fryer on my moms new stovetop.

added too much salt to a beef stew a few weeks ago

>>7161570
>>7161749
>>7161767
>>7161954

You have to be a little careful about using anything acidic if you're trying to deglaze the pan and make a sauce of some sort. Wine, tomatoes, or vinegar, plus heat, can strip all your lovely seasoning off just as surely as if you soaked it in oven cleaner overnight. You can use a bit, so long as you don't have too acidic a mix and don't leave it in there too long, but what you don't want to end up with is gleaming metal staring back at you when you give the pan a rinse.

>>7163306
I'm assuming by "fuck with" you mean "horribly disfigure".

File: tomcruise.jpg (21KB, 459x278px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 459x278px

>>7161581

>making pizza at the house of my then-gf
>looking for flour
>no one around to ask
>find containers with sugar, salt and two with a floury substance
>pick the larger one
Because you usually need more flour than salt and sugar for a dough, right?
>proceed to make pizza dough
>later, gf comes home
>"You didn't make the dough with cornstarch, did you?"
>start over
>still pop the starch dough in the oven
>it becomes a crumbly, dry gray-blueish abomination
Later dumped that bitch btw

>>7161524
I was thinking the same thing. I made chicken soup last night, brought it to a boil and let it simmer for about two hours, it came out fine.

File: NINTENDO64--Tony Hawks Pro Skater 2_Jul3 8_01_39.jpg (95KB, 640x480px) Image search: [Google]

95KB, 640x480px

>>7161338
>learning how to cook
>want a delicious egg
>turn stove to medium-high
>fry egg
>don't cut into quarters
>no spice combos whatsoever
>my skills never elevate


smdh senpai

>>7163721
The absolute cancer about /ck/ is how fast it picks up forced memes just to be ironic or for le ebin lulz or something. Someone comes along and posts some shit about quinky sauce, "what were the topping on" or egg quarters, and within minutes everyone goes around spouting their maymay in every thread they can find.

>making chicken curry
>almost done, realize I forgot to make rice
>fuck it, don't reduce the sauce and just have chicken curry soup
>it was too salty

>>7163721
You fucked up big anon. How are you ever going to become an Ultimate Spicemaster?

>>7161562
That's nothing. I drive a truck for Wal-Mart and I regularly knock over 26 pallets of eggs (about 50,000 pounds) because I hate my life and I drive through the mountains hoping to crash and die. I blame the people that load it into the truck for packing it the wrong way.

>>7163746
That's a pretty new thing and it's hardly an issue. Most of those stupid memes die out within a couple days

File: 1431499932833.jpg (104KB, 720x447px) Image search: [Google]

104KB, 720x447px

>>7161581
This fucking shit.

>>7162087
>>drop all my spaghetti

This doesn't make sense. When did they order spaghetti? I thought you were just bringing them water?

File: sneakerhead.jpg (89KB, 880x710px) Image search: [Google]

89KB, 880x710px

>>7163746

File: 1446254730968.jpg (338KB, 614x1024px) Image search: [Google]

338KB, 614x1024px

>>7163746
>>7163828
we are the voice of a generation

>>7163293
Yes, mopping before I had it all completely swept up was the mistake.

I guess I didn't get all the sugar up the first time and I also had a shitty mop. Anyway, it took about 2 days to get it all up. I kept finding small sticky areas on the floor and under the cabinets where I missed an area. Also, we have pine wood floors so that didn't help matters either. Sugar went into the tiny spaces
between the wood planks.

>parents gave me a steak & lobster tail to cook for dinner while they went out to a party
>this is literally the best food they've given me to eat while they were out, they usually make me scrounge for food in the fridge or give me some money for a pizza
>told me all I had to do was cook the food on the barbecue grill
>no problem
>the steak turned out to my liking
>the lobster tail just would not cook right
>the insides are still cold & raw
>try cooking it longer
>the shell is starting to burn
>it's still cold & raw inside
>fuck
>put it in the microwave
>the meat has cooked all the way through, but it's rubbery and tastes awful
>the microwave smells like burnt lobster carapace and disappointment
>parents come back home from their party
>"So did you enjoy your dinner, son?"
>"Yeah, mom."

>>7164228
How long ago was this that you couldn't just search "grilled lobster tail"?

>>7163692
The texture of corn starch is very different from flour.

File: images (2).jpg (3KB, 114x90px) Image search: [Google]

3KB, 114x90px

>>7163794
This is nothing. I once captained a container ship exclusively shipping eggs (about 368000000 pounds) and crashed it into another cargo ship exclusively shipping eggs.

>be middleschool me
>home alone
>making a box of macaronis in the microwave
>set timer for 10 minutes
>go to my room
>smell a burning smell
>wonder if the stove was left on
>room starts filling up with smoke
>oh shit the house must be on fire
>run to kitchen
>no fire
>burning smell coming from microwave
>open it
>i forgot pour in the water
>macaronis are completely black
>open up window
>pick up the bowl to take it outside
>macaronis burned a hole through the bowl and melded with the microwave

>>7165047
That's nothing. I was once commanding the pacific fleet. Executive order demanded we load all available ships with eggs. They number in the billions. We are ordered to bring them directly to the middle east to defend freedom. Message got garbled. Everyone dumped them into the sea so the fish could eat them. The terrorists won.

>>7162142
best post of the whole thread here

File: ss (2015-12-11 at 06.31.38).jpg (164KB, 1373x897px) Image search: [Google]

164KB, 1373x897px

>>7162142

Suppose I was boiling some potatoes but I forgot about it and the water boiled away and the pot is ruined. But the potatoes seem to be OK, it's as if they've been roasted. Do you think it's safe to eat these potatoes?

>>7165121
Small loss
I was once Captaining the largest shipping spaceship to a hidden galaxy that needed egg rations for 100th lightyear solar freeze. Time was of the essence as my corridor of passage would soon be closing so we had to rush. On our 15 space marker we hit solar turbulence and one of the emerald locks was shattered and we lost all of our cargo. The loss was catastrophic to the company, and the millions of galaxies where it now has been raining eggs for a billion years.

>>7163230
kek

I've used this one on here more than a dozen times just because I was so fucking stupid

>turn electric element to max
>place smal cast iron pan on element and forget about it until it's basically max heated
>put some margarine in the pan which violently sizzles with grey smoke
>still manage to crack 2 eggs into the pan which burn basically instantly
>get pissed off and throw eggs directly into trash and get grumpy and storm off
>eventually just go to corner store for junk food

what the fuck was I THINKING

File: 1434022873323.png (305KB, 601x698px) Image search: [Google]

305KB, 601x698px

>pitting an avocado this thursday
>know how to safely pit an avocado by slicing it in half, giving the pit a good whack with the chefs knife, and then twisting the pit free from the flesh
>do this
>normally remove the pit from the chefs knife by just giving the knife a good shake above the garbage thus flinging the pit away safely with my other hand out of the way
>this time it wont budge, so I push on the pit with my pointer finger of my other hand to try to slide it off the blade
>the pit suddenly slides free while I'm pushing it and I jerk my hand back in surprise
>I run my pointer finger right into the blade of my chefs knife
>the blade goes more than a quarter inch into the fingerprint area of my pointer finger
>I immediately start swearing loudly and I pull my hand free
>in the process I spray blood all over my floor, walls, and the ceiling
>it looks like a murder happened, I sprayed blood literally everywhere
>no walk in clinics open because I was cooking dinner at 9 PM, so I waited until the next day to go to the doctor because it had stopped bleeding an hour later and fuck going to the ER

Hurt worse than any other pain in my life. According to the doctor I should have gone to the ER because I had exposed fat that was hanging out of the wound and it was going to heal slowly since I waited >10 hours to get it looked at.

The second worst pain in my life was him using sharp medical scissors to cut away the exposed fat hanging out of my finger wound with no anesthetic because another doctor who came in to give him advice said "I wouldn't feel anything."

My finger is pain free now and hopefully heeling (covered in gauze) but I am literally psychologically scarred from when I imagine running my finger onto the blade in my head and the memory of the pain. PTSD is fucking real friends and I barely even hurt myself.

File: image.jpg (38KB, 337x400px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 337x400px

>>7162753

>>7162040
this is mint

File: 1394067441240.gif (1MB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 320x240px

>decide to make rice pilaf
>put pan on stove, turn on heat
>add oil immediately
>go to dice onion
>flash of light in my peripheral vision
>oil caught on fire
>put the lid on, turn the heat off
>take the lid back off a few seconds later
>oil catches back on fire
>take pan outside and dunk it in the snow
>pan is permanently scorched on the bottom

>>7165196
>cut finger
>spray blood on ceiling and walls
>implying

>>7165223

I will go show you the blood on my ceiling right now if you want.

I cleaned my walls / floor but haven't done the ceiling yet.

I flailed my hand around like a moron while I was swearing in pain which is how it got there.

>>7165131
ya

File: bastards.jpg (195KB, 640x853px) Image search: [Google]

195KB, 640x853px

>Get home drunk as fuck
>Fucking famished, remember I have dough in the fridge
>I'll make pizzas fuck yeah
>Chopping up sausage
>Chop saus, chop saus, chop something that isn't saus
>Fuck my thumb
>Blood going everywhere, wrap it up in a bandage as well as I can
>Think fuck it I'll finish the pizza anyway
>Was delightful

fast forward 8 hours

>Wake up
>Covered in blood
>Bed sheets covered in blood
>Hand hurts like fuck
>Can't remember what happened
>Slowly it comes back
>Fuck, look at my thumb, bandage is soaked through with blood
>Shit I must've nearly hacked it off, I'll need stitches for sure
>Slowly peel bandage off preparing for the worst
>It's a tiny cut about an inch long, no longer bleeding

Alcohol is a hell of a drug.

File: eggs.png (82KB, 1584x637px) Image search: [Google]

82KB, 1584x637px

>>7161517
>>7161562
>>7163794
>>7165047
>>7165121
>>7165132
Good show all around.

>>7162142
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhq1FDL0NNQ

>>7165252
Thins out your blood, probably explaining why you bled like a pig.

>>7165196
Dude, PTSD isn't "I got an owie and I remembered how bad it was". I can appreciate fucking up and slicing your finger open, I've done it several times myself, but you're overreacting. You don't really get to say PTSD unless you were raped or forced to kill someone.

>>7165219
What kind of oil was it? How much heat were you using?

I'm not a super experienced cook, but I've never had oil spontaneously combust.

>>7165196

While you were bleeding... Did you point at the wall and yell words that could be found in a harry potter book? It could've been blood magic.

File: image.jpg (34KB, 705x696px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 705x696px

>>7161581
>>7161619
>>7161713
>>7161749
>>7161965
>>7161980
>>7162040
>>7162142
>>7162753
>>7163325
>>7163306
>>7163794
>>7165102
>>7162272
>>7165188
>>7165196
>>7165219
>>7165252

> new to cooking
> boyfriend and I decide to make hot wings
> recipe calls for white vinegar
> not enough white vinegar
> fuck there has to be more somewhere
> find red wine vinegar and apple cider vinegar
> vinegar is vinegar, right?
> use that shit
> wings taste like satan's asshole

>>7163306

I too have a grease fire fuck up.

> be me
> Mom is out of town
> house to myself
> aww yee I'm gonna make tacos
> put grease in pan, put it on stove and wait for it to heat up
> internet calls, brb
> away from kitchen for about 10 minutes
> oh fuck that's right I'm making tacos
> start to go downstairs
> can't see downstairs
> smoke everywhere
> fuck
> go downstairs and into kitchen
> more smoke
> also fire
> lots of fire
> FUCK
> flames have melted the microwave door shut and are currently licking the ceiling
> FUCK FUCK
> quickly turn off stove
> panic and call my best friend in hysterics
> "ANON YOU STUPID SHIT CALL 911"
> oh yeah that's right they exist
> call 911, then call my Mom
> fire department comes and puts out fire, make sure I'm okay before leaving

It's scary to think I could have easily burned the house down. As of now, I'm paranoid as shit about turning stuff off/making sure it's off when I leave my house.

File: gon.png (456KB, 688x526px) Image search: [Google]

456KB, 688x526px

Not my biggest fuck up, but its my most recent. There's 2 of them.

>making chocolate cake
>cake turns out good
>time to make the frosting
>made tons of frosting before
>decide to make chocolate frosting
>turns out fucking nasty
>try to figure out where I went wrong
>20 min later and I'm still lost
>then I remember that the butter I used was old as dirt and has been in a freezer for who knows how long until that day
>wasted so much powdered sugar
>barely had enough to do a dark chocolate frosting with some not expired butter

>first time making fried chicken
>under season the fuck out of it
>don't brine the chicken
>looks good as shit though
>mfw I bite into the driest, most under seasoned yet still good looking fried chicken I've had in my entire life

Cooking is trial and error. I learned how to cook fried chicken, but now I need to learn how to season it. Anyone got any suggestions? I was deep frying it.

>>7165483
>brining chicken before deep frying
I need to experiment this

>>7165489
Make sure to taste the brine first.

>put way too much salt once
>"I'm not throwing out all that salt I've just wasted, and I'm pretty sure the chicken isn't going to absorb all of it"
>it absorbed all of it

>>7165489
Don't experiment it too hard.

>>7165498
Cooking is 65% science, 15% skill, 15% knowlege and 15% art

Yes, because cooking is 110% of you

>>7165496
kek

File: 1436230645602.jpg (31KB, 456x320px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 456x320px

>my gf makes me box mac n cheese
>misreads the instructions and puts as much milk in as if all serving portions were made, not just one
>it's terrible
>we laugh about it
>great moment between us
>we were beyond in love
>that was eight years ago
>she left me after 7 years
>we were about to get married
>I went into deep depression and am now a fat fuck after trying to drink myself to death
>she is happily with another guy who looks just like me, and in the same career
>broke up with me, after dating for 7 years, over facebook
>just kill me

>>7165663

whoops I messed up the order

>broke up with me, after dating for 7 years, over facebook
fuck after trying to drink myself to death
>she is happily with another guy who looks just like me, and in the same career
>I went into deep depression and am now a fat
>just kill me

File: 1436032227314.jpg (12KB, 307x327px) Image search: [Google]

12KB, 307x327px

>>7165664

Fuck I can't even post correctly. Kill me.

File: 1054 - Katia_Managan artist-Mediocre_Scrublord bad_end edit meme sad shame.jpg (91KB, 598x565px) Image search: [Google]

91KB, 598x565px

>>7165667
You seem like a cool guy, do you live in the southwest??

Stupidly tried to pour iced tea into a container from a high table because I was rushing some of it spilled over straight into an open fryer.

By jove lucky someone turned it off half an hour aho or id be unemployed

>>7165663
Don't refer to her as your gf anymore anon. It's time to move on. There are others, it will sting. You will be bitter. But you will know what you want. Take this time to yourself. Take advantage by courting a younger [but legal] female. You will feel better.

You have to move on, anon.

>First time the thought of having a warm plate to put food on comes to mind
>I guess I can just microwave the bare plate for a bit
>Think of how long a plate takes to get hot when I normally microwave and undershoot it
>Set microwave for 1m30s and go back to cooking
>30 seconds later
>*POP*

threw two eggs into boiling ramen and the shit foamed up all over the place.

also had the cap of a salt grinder come off and spill half of the container of salt into my seafood gumbo. was so hellbent on trying the gumbo i still ate most of it and my body threw it all up maybe 30 seconds later from all the sodium.

File: 5675465+_3358b5d51ad821ccb2fec8d05e4687e9.jpg (11KB, 367x202px) Image search: [Google]

11KB, 367x202px

>Day after the Paris attacks
>Tell a French girl I know that I will make Pain au chocolate for her as a gift
>She has been very sad but seems excited
>I go to the kitchen and start baking ready to take them to class and present them to her
>Accidentally make a mess of them
>Don't want to give them to her
>Don't have time to do them again
>Decide to just make something else so I can cheekily present it to her and she won't get mad
>Get some baguettes
>Smear the insides with chunky jam
>Give them to her the next day
>"I couldn't make pain au chocolate so just have these b-b-lood smeared ba-ataclan baguettes!''
>she starts crying
>I apologise 20 times
>still mad now

>>7165912

>Breaks down in treats when she doesn't get her free pastry gift

lmao
At first I thought there was no one more pathetic than the French but this made me remember that there are French that also have the misfortune of being a western woman as well.

Made some thai coconut chicken soup..

was using the stove for something else so had to move the soup..

Moved it on top of an empty tissue box.

I was surprised it held and continued to do w/e i was doing.

Box collapsed, half the soup spilled.

I don't know why.. but there is a part of me that enjoys doing stupid shit...

>>7163234
...tea in India is generally made with ginger added to it as a bare minimum. So it comes with the territory of being an Indian tea. Don't need to say "chai tea" because it is redundant.

>>7163812
"Dropping spaghetti" means doing something awkward.

>>7165977
>edgy shitlord can't read
lmao

>>7162040
ohgodohgodohgoddogdoghodoghdodgod

>>7161338
> making roux as base for bechamel
> ho hum, melt butter, go find the flour in the larder
> come back with flour, start whisking
> flour browns a bit (as intended) but does not bind
> wait wtf
> keep stirring
> more browning, no binding, flour is cooked though
> add milk
> insta-clumps
fml

File: justno.gif (827KB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

827KB, 320x240px

>>7161684

>>7165521
that's so gay. i love it.

>>7166135
>So I was trying to make tea from scratch-
>YOU CAN'T MAKE TEA FROM SCRATCH? IT'S LEAVES AND WATER

>I meant Indian tea
>THERE ARE A TON OF INDIAN TEAS YOU RETARD

>I meant chai tea
>CHAI MEANS TEA FUCKING MORON

File: euphoria.jpg (233KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

233KB, 500x500px

>>7166261
Welcome to /ck/, I hope you enjoy your stay

>be a kid
>try to make mac 'n' cheese using instant cheese stuff, just have to add milk
>put the pasta in the milk and the cheese in the water

That's my biggest fuck up.

>>7165769

Texas

>>7166261
I giggled, thanks.

I can't remember any major fuck-ups, only minor things

>have left-over beef
>bring it to work
>we make our own cajun chicken burgers
>read about cajun beef recipe earlier
>whynot.jpg
>put loads of it on *diced* beef
tasted like salt and pepper desu

To be fair, I was living in a shitty home with a beat up electric stove who's two modes were lukewarm and blacksmith-forge hot. I still wonder why I moved to Texas sometimes.

Anyway...

>Come home with ingredients for french onion soup
>Chop most onions, decide to prepare for cooking
>Put large pot on stove to saute onions
>Set heat to just above medium
>While pot is warming up, finish chopping last onion
>Alright, time to get these onions cooking
>Start pouring some olive oil in the pan to prevent sticking (ofc)
>Oil hisses and spatters like I just dropped fries in a deep frier
>Instant flambe
>ohshit.jpg
>Smoke and fire pour out of the pot
>Did I just open a portal to hell?
>Scramble to find pot lid in the drawer I keep kitchenware in
>Find lid, slam that motherfucker on the pot
>Kitchen is full of smoke, my eyes are watering
>Whole place smells like burned olives and hair for some reason
>Check myself quickly, nothing is on fire luckily
>Run through home, grab some fans, run back to kitchen
>Open back door and chaotically position fans to blow smoke out of the kitchen
>Leave house because at this point I literally can't breath

Long story short, fuck that stove. Fuck it to hell. Come to discover afterwards that the stove gets so fucking hot between medium-high settings that it turns a steel pot glowing orange on the bottom.

>>7166146
What are you 16?

>>7166430
Ya cant fix stupid

>>7166478
What did I even do wrong there? The pot was probably on the stove for less than a minute on a fairly low setting. Wasn't even medium-high.

File: 1434884978046.jpg (245KB, 600x535px) Image search: [Google]

245KB, 600x535px

>>7166309
I'm from arizona

>>71>>7165226
I'm not that other anon, but I'd love to see.

>>7166535

Alrighty. Are you a girl? Looking for traditional marriage? Willing to marry a lawyer? That can teach me how to cook something besides pasta?

Then sign me up.

>>7166611
No, possibly, yes, yes.

>>7166648

Sorry senpai-o don't do the gay thing.

>>7166653
It's not gay if you have a feminine dick.

>>7165292
Did you use gimp/photoshop for that, or is there a program to only screen capture some posts?

>first time making soup
>know that adding corn starch makes it thicker
>add about a half of a cup
>it was great while it was warm
>jar it, then microwave it later
>in the microwave, the solid cylinder of soup rose out of the jar and flopped over.

>>7165489
Make sure to let the brine drip off and pat the chicken dry with a paper towel before you put on any breading. Otherwise the breading will fall right off as soon as you start frying.

>>7165226

Reminds me of my days as an architecture student. One of the girls once managed to run a scalpel across the pads of all the fingertips of her left hand. In shock and pain she shook her hand, spraying blood all over a scale model of elaborate timber joinery that someone else had spent weeks constructing. One time someone sat on a scalpel. One girl managed to accidentally slit their wrist with a stanley knife. I once knocked a scalpel off a table, whereupon it embedded itself in my thigh. Tight deadlines, little sleep, sharp knives, fun times.

>>7166853

>fucking up all your fingers on one hand for weeks

That sounds terrible. I'm 4 days in on not having a useable pointer finger on my non-dominant hand and this shit is already old as hell. Not being able to shower or type properly sucks dick.

I'm hoping by this weekend I'll be able to use my finger again, but we'll see.

>>7166669
I repeated your joke to a friend.
After an argument, death threats were exchanged.
Fuck you Anon.

>>7165292
this is like the plot of gurren lagann

>>7166862
I read that as you not being able to shower, type properly, or suck dick.

File: 1448555646836.jpg (83KB, 319x340px) Image search: [Google]

83KB, 319x340px

>>7166810

>>7165483
>fry chicken in batches of four
>divide each piece of chicken in to four more pieces
>experiment with each of your 16 pieces of chicken using different spice combinations
>you are now a master chef and fried chicken connoisseur

>>7162142

Don't worry Anon, I did something similar:

>Making pasta
>put strainer in sink like always
>pour pasta into other sink compartment
>doesn't mentally occur to me what the fuck i'm doing until it's all in the sink

Normally I cook somewhat well when high but then, I don't know what I was thinking, I mean, I was standing there for like 30 seconds just pouring all the shit into the sink

>>7165429
sinner

File: 1320532272605.jpg (18KB, 288x297px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 288x297px

>>7162040
>"Yeah hha just hungry for a slice of EMPLOYMENT!"

File: census.gif (920KB, 260x187px) Image search: [Google]

920KB, 260x187px

>Used to get really nervous and scared when I was left alone in the house
>Due to anxiety disorder whatever
>19 years old at this stage, could only cook pasta for myself
>Parents announce they are going away for the weekend, will be just me home
>Don't leave any food
>I feel really nervous the whole time they are gone
>Go to the supermarket and buy a bunch of frozen microwave meals because I can cook these
>One of them is a microwave pasta dish
>Take it home
>Take it out
>Put it in the microwave
>Close the door
>At this point my anxiety spikes
>For some reason turn the stove on
>Unplug the microwave with the pasta dish inside
>Put the microwave onto the stove
>Cook for a few seconds
>Realise what I am doing
>Panic and push the microwave onto the floor
>It smashes against the ground and causes a dent on the floor
>Luckily it was burnt on the bottom but still worked
>Managed to have my dinner but nearly threw up afterwards due to nerves

First time cooking with habaneros, I diced a couple and tossed them onto a hot skillet.

I basically tear gassed myself.

The chicken ended up delicious though.

File: too stupid to eat.webm (3MB, 640x640px) Image search: [Google]

3MB, 640x640px

>>7167486
>turn the stove on
>Unplug the microwave with the pasta dish inside
>Put the microwave onto the stove

>>7167486
This can't be real. I seriously cannot comprehend how someone like this would even be able to function in real life.

>>7167486
I have delicate spaghetti arms but I can't imagine someone could lift and carry a microwave absentmindedly over to the stove.

>>7167498
I was making salsa with habaneros once and I forgot to wash my hands before masturbating.

>>7167576
they are pretty light tbqh

accidentally used 2x the amount of water needed, in a soup. It didnt taste much.

>>7167576
You've obviously never had a panic attack before.

I once carried a corpse that weighed as much as i did three miles without noticing.

>>7167661
Ok, hang on...

Why were you carrying a corpse in the first place?

>>7167661
>I once carried a corpse that weighed as much as i did three miles without noticing.
Wut

File: I defy you to look at this and believe it could be made with anything but the most heartfelt sincerity.jpg (30KB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

30KB, 500x375px

>>7167661
>I once carried a corpse that weighed as much as i did three miles without noticing.

File: clockwork.jpg (19KB, 640x430px) Image search: [Google]

19KB, 640x430px

>>7161603
You mean The Press?

>>7167316
REMOVE MEMERS
E
M
O
V
E

M
E
M
E
R
S

File: 1332211157015.jpg (47KB, 294x294px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 294x294px

>>7162040

>Hungry for a slice of EMPLOYMENT

>>7166920
must mean this is a pretty good thread, then.

>>7161586
LE XD REDDIT MEEMEE'S XDDDDDDD

>>7166261
You can say "so I was trying to make chai from scratch"

Do you even think?

>THERE ARE A TON OF INDIAN TEAS YOU RETARD

Mode of preparation remains unchanged. Whether assam, darjeeling or nilgiri leaves. Chai is chai.

>>7165667
Hey bro, instead of letting your life fall apart, get off this shitty website, hit the gym, cook yourself some nice low cal meals and burn off the fat. Better your life, take some time off and see the world.

>>7169008

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masala_chai

When I knew nothing, nothing, about cooking I put a skillet on the stove on the highest setting, filled it to high with oil, and literally tossed a fish I just cleaned into it and burning oil went everywhere and some women had to come rescue me. I have also been drunk and started a small grease fire.

>Be me, 17
>Just an expo but I love to cook
>Chef tells me to make staff meal with the pile of ground beef
>Yes Chef
>Brown that shit right up
>"Remember, if it isn't spicy it's meat sauce."
>challengeaccepted.jpg
>Start pouring cayenne pepper in the pan
>other spices too and it tastes pretty good and is spicy
>chef tries it
>Looks sideways at me.
>"I can eat this, but the fucking servers won't"
>mfw I look at the cayenne and I used most of a cup
>we do everything we can to make it less spicy
>dump the fucking mango gazpacho in
>Still spicy
>Whole pound of butter
>Still spicy
>Give up and serve it
>Queero waiter literally cries
>everyone bitching me out except the cooks who love it
>mfw there's three gallons left
>mfw we eat the chili for a whole week

Anytime the servers bitch about the staff meal he says "Well, I could have let Anon make chili"
>laughter

>be me
>pretty new at this point
>just moved and don't fully know where everything is in all the cupboards
>decide to make a cake
>getting stuff ready
>eggs, butter, etc
>can't find the flour
>raid the cupboards and find a tub of white powder
>thisisclearlyflour.jpg
>mix everything together
>put in oven
>go to take it out of oven
>thatwasclearlynotflour.jpg
>end up with pan of brown liquid

As it turns out, what I thought was flour was actually powdered sugar. After I realized this mistake, I let the pan sit and allowed the liquid to harden into what ended up being a rather nice, albeit hard and a pain to clean Caramel something.

>>7165304
This post triggered my PTSD

>>7169315
Abey chutiye, padhna seekh.

> In some places the term "chai," alone, can refer to the beverage.

>>7161338

I ran out of milk so I used soy milk in my garlic mashed potatoes. Needless to say, I'm never doing that again.

>>7169427

How the fuck do you mistake powered sugar for flour? The consistency is clearly different. Did you even taste it? Taste fucking everything, that's like a main staple for cooking.

>>7170535

Maybe she was drunk.

>>7167812
underrated

File: image.jpg (21KB, 400x300px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 400x300px

>>7161338

>one time a piece of bred gets stuck in the toaster
>starts to burn, dark smoke everywhere
>grab a metal fork and try to pull the bread out
>the fork touches the coils, theres a massive bang and all the power in the kitchen goes down
>realize I almost killed myself with a toaster
>wish I could say this happened when I was a kid

>>7165663
Kill her anon. It's the only way you can be free, it's the only way for that pain to stop. You know you want it too. End this hell anon, you only have to kill her.

File: steakandkidneypudding.jpg (89KB, 960x720px) Image search: [Google]

89KB, 960x720px

I spent all weekend making a genuine British steamed steak and kidney pudding. Then I discovered I don't like kidney because it tastes like piss.

>>7172092
That's a shame mate.
Steak and Kidney pudding is top tier comfort food.


>>7161338
I was given a few kilos of Pigs liver, first night, classic Liver and Onions . . .No complaints!
Day two: Being a curry loving Bong, I thought I would make a large pot of Liver curry (to place in freezer bags) sliced up the liver, fried it off and added the usual curry spices.
half hour later - taste test; Bloody awful - add more spices, try again . .. . Bloody awful!

No matter how much I tried I could not conceal the taste of 'babies nappies'!

Ended up throwing the lot away.

Conclusion: Stick to Liver and onions!

>pumpkin muffins
Dense and soggy. They were vaguely puffy, but deflated later in the day.
>peanut butter cookies
I did nearly everything wrong.

Still too ashamed to try making either of them again, months later. At least I can make oatmeal cookies.

File: image.jpg (46KB, 737x517px) Image search: [Google]

46KB, 737x517px

>>7161965
>now you contaminated it, numbnuts

top kek

>>7166810
kek

>>7173782

Um, fucking up the ice machine is one of the quickest ways to make a restaurant have to close for the night.

>>7174100
That's why it's funny

Nice dubs btw

>decide to fry eggs at uni
>use flatmates pan
>don't put in enough oil
>everything's horribly burnt and the pan needs a proper good cleaning
>throw pan into trash
>buy an identical pan
>she never suspected a thing

>>7161338

>try to cook some caramelized onions
>put sugar in with onions

This was pretty recent, actually.

Spilled a cup of water into extremely hot oil while walking through the kitchen.

Burned myself and the dog.

File: sad kitten.jpg (13KB, 500x259px) Image search: [Google]

13KB, 500x259px

>>7174292
>burned myself

Ha, you dumb fuck.

>and the dog

>>7162087
You did not apologize profoundly. You apologized profusely.

>>7174595
For some people its only too obvious how they ended up waiting tables.

>>7163746
you could say this about anything internet related. a few generations down the track, people will communicate primarily through memes. it will be truly disgusting

>>7165219
>Oil fire
Needs a bucket(!) of baking powder if it burns strong enough.
Salt absorbs lots of heat.

http://cooking.stackexchange.com/questions/3747/how-do-you-put-out-a-grease-fire

>I'm an arson investigator and I give classes to businesses with our fire extinguisher demo. The participants must supply their own fire extinguishers but they get to practice using them in a controlled environment. Here's the rules for kitchen/grease fires that I teach. When you have a grease fire the first step is to cover the pan. If the controls are on the front of the stove you should turn off the burner, but if the controls are on the back of the stove you don't want to risk a burn reaching for it until you've covered it. Next step...nothing. Leave it alone and let it cool up for quite a while. NEVER EVER EVER move the pan. Even after you've covered it. I can't tell you how many structure fires I've investigated because someone tried to move a burning pan of grease off of the burner. It's almost impossible to move a pan full of any liquid without sloshing or spilling it, then add the excitement of the fire and you're almost guaranteed to end up spreading grease everywhere. Grease and oil heat up to over 300 degrees F. so it will take quite some time to cool off but don't risk moving it. Keep it covered and it will cool off on it's own.

>>7165890
Never run the Microwave empty (without some food to absorb the heat).

Burnt spaghetti. As in, there was fire coming out of those.
Exploded a jar of tomato sauce.

>>7163721
lol

>>7165483
The trick is cutting it into quarters before seasoning.

>>7165890
A guy on my hall freshmen year of university thought it would be funny to put a sealed bottle of water into his microwave. It sounded like a literal bomb went off and when we got to his dorm the door to his microwave had blown off across the room. Shit was so cash.

>>7161620
>>7162458
>>7163325
>>7165417
I was at a friends place and he had an electric stovetop and i turned on the wrong one

...also drunk

>>7163230
you don't know....JACK about cooking

pssh nothing personal kid

>>7161713

Stayed up all night at work and went to grab a nap with the thought of my wife making breakfast for me as I waited to slip off into dream land after not sleeping for three days.

Of course, instead she comes in giggling about the pan being on fire. Guess whose neighbors got to see a guy carry a 6' foot flame column out of his house naked.

Maybe if I hadn't been so exhausted I would have done something rational, but fire is scary.

Only burned one arm and spilled a little grease on my foot.

>>7164228
lmao dumbass rich kids.

File: Unit 01 goes berserk.gif (569KB, 162x152px) Image search: [Google]

569KB, 162x152px

>>7161581
Oh boy

>>7165102
I saw this happen in a lunch room once
The smell was absolutely disgusting

>>7165521
50% PAIN AND A 100% REASON TO THE NAME
>inb4 my name is pepe

A coworker fucked up really bad yesterday
>me cooking a consommé
>fucktard think I'm cleaning the bain-marie
>pour 150l soup in the drain
>gets deep fried spoon slapped in the neck

File: slice of employment.png (112KB, 789x541px) Image search: [Google]

112KB, 789x541px

>>7162040
Hey, at least you made a nice meme out of it

>>7165219
>take the lid back off
That's how you cause fucking explosions good god be thankful you're alive.
Look up backdraft.

>>7162040
8/10, I laughed

>>7161338
>Trying to make some Ketchup on my own
>pour lots of sugar into it but forget the vinegar
>sugar tomato mash

Another:
>Wanted to bake some simple cake
> read handwritten recipe from grandma
> 2 t of baking powder
>past me thinks "t" stands for "Tütchen"(small bag ~20g)
>it would've been Tea Spoon (~5g)
>end up pouring 40 gramms of Backing powder into 300 gramms of dough
>the dough just foamed out of the mold and ended as a crust on the tablet below

File: 1449117397574.jpg (64KB, 540x888px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 540x888px

>>7163794
I packed your mother the wrong way, if you know what I mean.

>>7162040
Cute :3

>>7170019
You talking about your triggered PTSD, triggered my PTSD, I was raped by the patriarchy

>>7161338
>trying to make beef stroganoff
>boiling egg noodles
>didn't realize that it takes no time for them to cook
>boil the egg noodles for about 20 minutes
>strain the noodles
>add cream of mushroom soup
>noodles are gone
>I boiled the egg noodles out of existence

File: 1436749127475.png (317KB, 796x712px) Image search: [Google]

317KB, 796x712px

>making stir fry for later
>cut up vegetables
>put it all in one big bowl so I can season them easily
>decide to cut up more veggies because I'll be eating a bunch of stir fry since the beef is pre-cut for stir fry (was on sale, normally I cut it my self) and may as well do it now
>cut up 3 days worth of vegetables
>bowl is almost full
>phew good amount of work but now i"m done
>suddenly a sneeze comes out of fucking nowhere
>into the vegetables
>my fucking face when


I didn't even feel it coming.

File: 1395658012065.jpg (38KB, 601x601px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 601x601px

>>7161713
>tfw I almost started a fire in my cooking class the same way
>it was a presentation for an end of the year dish
Safe to say I haven't talked to many people from that class.

>get 2 pounds of ground beef at the local butcher ship
>opening the wrapped beef over the trash can
>the paper rips and all 2 pounds spill out into the garbage full of wet coffee grounds and beer cans
>take it out and cook with it anyways

my mom told me it was the best burgers i ever made

>>7161566
I've done this twice. I really should just off myself

>>7162040
shit nigga

>Christmas morning
>wife asks me to help make cookies
>family staying over so everyone in kitchen/living room
>still drunk from Christmas Eve festivities
>"get the cinnamon anon and put in blah blah teaspoons"
>accidentally put Cumin instead of cinnamon into the cookie mix
>everyone hates cookies
>wife finds out I used cumin instead of cinnamon because left shaker out
>yells "you put cumin" the cookies

Whole house stops what they were doing. Only time she's ever been funny, women just don't have a sense of humor.

>>7175458
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_YXN8PiFNM

File: 1381948845173.jpg (649KB, 2848x2136px) Image search: [Google]

649KB, 2848x2136px

>>7177633
I can't

File: 1450114728618.jpg (126KB, 1010x1036px) Image search: [Google]

126KB, 1010x1036px

>>7167486
What the fucking shit man

>>7177624
Obvious fake.
Even I know it's announced koo-man not cum-ing.
You are a liar and you just got caught.

I got one that happened to my friend recently

>Helping friend cook some chicken fried steak since he never made it before
>I ask him to check if the oil is hot while I'm prepping the cube steaks in the egg whites and flour
>A second or so later I hear him scream and turn my head
>He's holding his finger and running to the sink
>The mother fucker actually stuck his finger into hot oil instead of flicking a drop or two of cold water into the pan

>>7167554
Man, Taylor Swift is so cute.

File: oi m8.jpg (14KB, 231x222px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 231x222px

>go to cook rice
>bring to a boil, turn heat to low
>walk away without putting a lid on

>>7161338


>making chicken for the first time
>Frozen chicken breasts

>heated oil to a ridiculous heat
>threw chicken in the oil

Giant flame illuminates the kitchen, and almost ruined our microwave above the stove.

I didn't give cooking a try again until a couple of months later.

>>7177876
>microwave above the stove
u wot m8

> I'm 8 or 9 years old and mom wants to grill some steaks
> She's never used the gas grill but figured it couldn't be that hard. My dad usually used it but he was at work.
> Igniter didn't work so my mom decided to burn some newspaper and throw it down near the pilot light
> The newspaper just ended up snagging on the grate and the whole thing burst into more flames
> She panics and tells me to get it off of there before the bbq explodes
> I grab a broom and knock the flaming paper to the floor
> My dog sees this and thinks it's a game or something and he tries to get the flaming newspaper while I hold him back
> My mom calls the fire department only to remember later that she had a fire extinguisher in the kitchen

She never was allowed to grill ever again.

>>7177633
I...

I'm watching those videos...

Can we find a new planet? One with hot aliens so we can leave this world behind and never look back?

>>7177880
different anon but my grandma has a microwave built into the cabinets above her stove

>>7165219
At least you didn't pour water on it or some shit

>>7177698

Nah, it actually happened. I don't spend my free time on the Internet making up stories on the cooking section of a Chinese cartoon imageboard.

>>7177579
I was sawtayin sum shyit in cooking school once and started a big as fuck fire.

I had beenworking for 3 years at that point and was totally un daunted by it knowing the flames would die down in a few moments and that they weren't large enough to ever come close to setting off the extinguisher system in the hud.

nevertheless all the auismo 18yearold retards in my class freaked out and the teacher came over and took my pan off the heat. he was like " you used too much hoil mon amie don't do it again" I was like yes chef but was really in my head goin. what a bunch of fucking dumb pussy cunts.

btw
> inb4 listen t instructor.
i used like 15 ml for an 18 inch pan to sautee cubed lamb before braising in a curry. that is not too much.

>>7177633
>the "how to grill steak without a grill" guy
>still making videos

Holy shit, been a long time since ive seen him

>>7161338
be earlier today
>cooking with melting chocolate
>want to lay down melted white and 70% dark chocolate (it's a family Christmas thing)
>put the white chocolate on high
>burn it slightly
>turn it onto low
>when its done its gone all crunchy
>put it in the freezer
>take it out to eat 20 minutes ago
>chocolate is sweating like a white kid getting done for selling heroin
>tastes alright though, even though it was a mistake
>the white chocolate is slightly crunchy because it was slightly burned, but doesn't taste of charcoal

File: IMAG0094.jpg (894KB, 2688x1520px) Image search: [Google]

894KB, 2688x1520px

>>7178046
Timestamp for your viewing pleasure

File: 1441335460611.jpg (363KB, 816x607px) Image search: [Google]

363KB, 816x607px

lol yeah

>making lasagna for me faamily for lunch
>prepared everything fucking pasta is al dente and the filling is just some plain bolognesa with white wine because fuck it
>literally turned onn ann oven just two time in my whole life
>opened the gas and supposedly turned the flames on
>lefft the kitechen to fool around the house till the oven preheated
>fucking pilot fame went out
>fucking gas has been leaking for 2 whole minutes
>get back and check out the oven
>its cold
>turn on a match to see if theres some gas in the room
>stupid idea.exe
>nothing happens
>shrug it off and turn an other match to turn again the oven
>didnt know gas was denser than air
>fucking gates of hell opend upon my feet
>mfw almost bruned my house down
>kek´d
>finally hear how the flames of the oven started
>let it preheat for some time
>put lasagna in for 40min at 200°C
>fucking burnt but tasty

sometimes i dont even know what the fuck i´m doing when i´m cooking but shit turns out good

>>7161566
>try to microwave peanut butter
why?

File: 1443323776043.jpg (7KB, 125x124px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 125x124px

>>7161581
hey mom

>mfw my mom fuckking purs fresh stock into the sink because she just wont use it

i swear i dont know how my parents managed to keep us allve

File: 1447498453419.jpg (70KB, 439x480px) Image search: [Google]

70KB, 439x480px

>>7167486
what the fuck? what you have is pure autism

I once used mixed hummingbird food that was in a large mason jar for making mixed drinks ...thinking it was raspberry ice crystal lite.

Wouldn't have been that bad except I served it to 5 people. Lol. We got it fixed and had a good laugh about it tho.

>>7167486
I refuse to believe that this is real. This is beyond autism and anxiety issues. This is something new entirely. What the fuck, man.

>>7167661
You can't just leave us hanging like this, bro. We're gonna need some backstory here.

Too much to drink
Food in the oven
Forgot to wear mitts

File: 1387942220371.png (48KB, 196x200px) Image search: [Google]

48KB, 196x200px

>>7167486

File: 1214525817754.jpg (18KB, 247x248px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 247x248px

>>7163230

>>7165330
Olive oil
Medium high heat

I am now very aware of the smoke/burn point of oil and am much more careful

>>7178189
Lol

>>7165102
why the fuck would you microwave it for 10 minutes

>>7166920
gurrenlagan.egg

>be me
>be whipping up some grub
>aw shit nigga time for some peppers and onions
>dancing while cooking
> go for a TV chef style pepper and onion flip in pan
>flip that shit straight into my chest
>scramble
>end up knocking over fridge
>covered in pickle juice,I go to the hospital to get treated for burns. I smelled so weird

I push my hard cock against my stove when I cook once I got a little yum yum brand gravy on my meaty part very much hurt a lot and won't make mistake agaįn

>>7161965
>Not sticking your hand in the cooling sink.
>dat cold water ice slurry

>>7177698
It's pronounced Q-min you subhuman piece of trash.

>>7176501
Warum bist du so ein Autist?

File: 1449024334246.gif (498KB, 450x337px) Image search: [Google]

498KB, 450x337px

>>7178227
i do this pretty much every week... you have the initial two seconds of "ha-ha! asbestos fingers!" before the pain hits you

File: mfwguy.jpg (77KB, 685x541px) Image search: [Google]

77KB, 685x541px

>>7175599
>be a few weeks ago
>work in a huge bakery at a casino
>someone asks steward to please clean the small steam kettle
>she cleans the giant 100 gallon steam kettle instead, which is filled with chocolate ganache
>dumps all the ganache down the drain without a second thought
>mfw my station doesn't use ganache and i'm not the one who pays for ingredients

>>7178146
Melt that shit and pour it over vanilla ice cream. It's SO good.

>>7177591
It was the coffee.
Magic rub:
Cayenne powder
Brown sugar
Salt
Black Pepper
Coffee grounds
Granulated garlic

Makes even chicken taste good.

>>7167486
I know this kind of goes without saying, but please don't reproduce if you find some genetic abortion that would fuck you.

File: 167.jpg (270KB, 1200x1600px) Image search: [Google]

270KB, 1200x1600px

>>7178544
>she
topkek

>>7161570
I can't imagine how this would have gone wrong.

Cast iron is a perfectly acceptable gravy making apparatus

>>7165131
Yep. There's actually a Colombian method of boiling potatoes that involves HEAVILY salting the water and then letting it boil off completely. You end up with these delicious little potatoes that are crusted with salt.

>>7178216
He was left alone in the house with nothing to eat and wound up buying corpse meals.
One was a corpse pasta dish, so he brought it home and put it in the corpse.
He had a panic attack, turned on the stove, unplugged the corpse and then carried it three miles to the stove without noticing.

Simple context clues, man.

File: image.jpg (80KB, 802x550px) Image search: [Google]

80KB, 802x550px

>>7177320

>>7177702
Wow anon, how is he still alive?

>12 years old
>parents aren't home
>read about how to make hard candy
>add a bunch of sugar and water to a pot
>its boiling, feel a sense of accomplishment
>remove from heat and let it cool
>come back and there's a 4 inch layer of rock hard sugary glass covering the bottom of the pot
>it won't break
>throw the pot into the woods

they'll never know

>>7161684
That's the power of pine-sol, baby.

>>7166448
>on 4chan
>doesn't understand the origin of spaghetti
>calls another user underage
Uh-huh.

>>7177066
My trigger is seeing someone else get triggered.

I aquired this particular ptsd in a cellar where we had to watch digusting landwhales getting triggered by seeing thin people.

They wanted to educate my toxic masculinity away but somehow made it worse.

Im not a firm believer in feminism anymore.

>>7161338
>parents away on vacation
>engage in drunken pizza binge
>hid the evidence of my drunken pizza binge in the oven instead of just cleaning it up
>get drunk again
>preheat gas convection oven to 450 degrees

Fire department had to ventilate the house. Shit smelled like burning cardboard for weeks. I lost all my good boy points.

>>7179631
Me again.
>drunk and high at 2:30am
>decide it's time to thaw a whole chicken under scalding hot water in the sink
>turn on hottest water setting and leave for a minute as the sink fills
>20 minutes later check to see if the sink's full
>kitchen flooded with scalding hot water
>slate floors turn to lava
>slip and fall before I can even turn off the sink

There was no chicken that morning, only a few restless anxious hours waiting until parents came home to see the water damage in the basement. Lost all my good boy points again.

>>7178423

This whole thread has me laffin cuz, i tell you what

>>7178049

/ck/, home of the masterpiece chef, ladies and gentlefrogs

>>7172092
>>7172127


MILK
I
L
K

SOAK
O
A
K

i don't who raised you filthy animals but they did a piss poor job of it. Soak all your offal and game meats in milk to take away the bad tastes.

buttermilk is even better.

>microwave butterscotch.
>mix that shit into a microwavable container
>instructions say 20 minutes
>crank that shit up for 20 minutes
>7 minutes in, container melted
>smoke in the kitchen
>Neighbors think fire's going on
>mfw I have no face

>>7167612
m8 w8 til ya start jalepeno pussy popping

>>7166774
Late as fuck but if you come back to this thread I just used MS Paint.

>16 years old
>microwave is broken, only thing we have to eat is leftover sketti in a small tupperware in the fridge, I'm hungry
>friend stops by during this contemplation
>talk at them idly and throw tupperware full of sketti in the oven without preheating
>Don't even remember what temperature I just cranked up the knob
>Lean against the oven facing friend, still chatting, waiting til I basically feel enough heat around my ass to confirm the oven is hot enough
>Friend literally squeals mid-sentence and points at oven
>look through the glass
>tupperware has completely melted in a mess around sketti, literally stringy like hot glue
>everything falling to burn on bottom of the oven
>burn fingers on gooey tupperware, the bottom has barely melted, haphazardly fling what's left of both sketti and tupperware on counter
>friend making numerous high pitched sounds this entire time
>taste sketti
>it's still cold

>>7169005
what the fuck is wrong with you?

File: 3kBBxqC.png (2MB, 1136x1136px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1136x1136px

>>7167661
Ok i'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one

File: 1442562119417.gif (428KB, 200x183px) Image search: [Google]

428KB, 200x183px

>>7178049

>Trying to activate my almonds
>Accidentally activate my walnuts instead
Worst mistake of my life

Nothin special

Made chili

Needed more salt

The entire. Top falls off, followed By a avalanche Of salt