Dealing with toxic people

>>9509146
Isn't it generally a known thing to ignore these people?
If you keep giving them attention they'll keep going

>>9509146
Walk away as soon as the red flags begin to show up. I wish I would have done that this past weekend. If they're in your social group rather than being randos at a con just ignore them and avoid conversation as much as possible.

>>9509152
I do ignore them most of the time, but it hurts me to see so many people giving attention, thus making the comm very tense with the dramas people like this stir. (and then, people getting involved in fights and getting angry at each other for nothing or for lies).

I once thought about talking with everyone and suggesting them to ignore this person, but I know that, if I did that openly (not in anonymity), I'd soon become a target, and I'm too lazy to deal with that.

I guess there's nothing much left for me to do but to watch everyone burn and kill themselves.

>>9509146
I guess anon boards might help you, anon. Just send the message through btb or cgl if the person browses it. Though it can backfire kek

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>>9509146
I don't wear lolita anymore but this applies.

I run a community groupchat, and following these steps you should be fine
>red flag appears
>be cautious of said person
>second red flag appears
>block said person on social media
>community event comes up, they're there.
>avoid the fuck out of that person, do not fake kindness, it will make it worse.

I'll tell a short story.
>groupchat ends up with a lot of minorities in it (probably because I myself is a minority)
>we were all complimenting eachother because girl love is neat
>girl comes in, and immediately after we compliment her, she starts saying that her life is so hard because she's white, that none of us like her because she's white, that she's marginilized and discriminated against in my racist minority groupchat, and all my mods are minorities who hate her as default
>white mod tells her to get over herself
>kick her
>block her on all other social media
>she throws a shit fit and starts harrassing anyone in my groupchat she can, loses it completely, starts sending people pics of her cutting herself
>instruct my community to block her on all social media, share screencaps and warnings
>community is closely knit, so warnings were spread to other similar communities very quickly
>no one's heard from her since
if she did show up to a gathering, everyone's been instructed to ignore her.
I've never dealt with anyone quite like ...that... since, but it was a great learning experience. if the person is bad enough and community mods aren't retarded, it gets fixed very quickly.

>>9509146
There's a girl in my comm who isn't exactly toxic, but definitely really annoying. Perma-ita, posts new threads in Rufflechat every two days like it's a diary, acts as though she knows a ton about the fashion even though she can't consistently dress herself. I don't know if everyone in the comm finds her annoying though, she seems to go to meets pretty regularly but I'm too scared to say something in case I'm just blowing this out of proportion.

>>9509177
forgot to mention, if your community mods wont handle the problem child, leave the community.
the problem must be handled head on by mods- since problem children tend to ignore anyone who doesn't have power.

mods cannot solve their problems by ignoring the problem, or even with passive aggressiveness, it just makes it worse. I've been in a lolita community that had a bunch of disgusting sissies in it because the mods didn't have a backbone. I've also been in a lolita community where the mods were passive aggressive as fuck to problem children (not taking pictures with them, posting the problem children to secrets constantly, having their own seperate chatroom to shittalk problem children..) , and it just made the community look bad. Either the community has the balls to ban people or walk the fuck out, since that's not a healthy community. Being a lone lolita/cosplayer is better than that, trust me.

>>9509181
>but I'm too scared to say something in case I'm just blowing this out of proportion.
I totally understand you, anon, and not having someone you trust 100% inside the comm to talk about it makes everything worse for me. I try to keep myself away, but sometimes it's just too hard to ignore all the shit.

>>9509177
>avoid the fuck out of that person, do not fake kindness, it will make it worse.

Thanks, anon! We usually hear the opposite of it, that it's important to keep ourselves polite and etc. but I do guess that it may even encourage the person to keep their attitude, as if it didn't have any consequence.

There's this person that's not in my comm, but she is hella toxic in my country.

She usually try to pose as a open and helpful person, but she always end up making every drama worst, by feeding it with more material.

Instead of just ignoring things, she goes on making public posts to shit talk and then to stir up more and more drama.

Last week there was a drama with a bag that some chick might have copied the design and she went to her profile to discuss with her and, after deleting her comments, she just went to her own Facebook to post about it, thus making it even bigger instead of just ignoring and helping it end.

Some weeks before that there was a chick making a fuss over the national meeting and there she was (together with a lot of other girls), making public posts to shit talk about this girl.

This kind of attitude pisses me so much, and there's nothing I can do to warn her about her toxic behavior. I wish I could openly talk with her and tell her how this destroys the lolita comm, how it destroys her image, how people are already avoiding her and calling her a drama bitch, and how she is forging fake friends, with people that are hanging with her only to get updates on all the drama that she stirs.

But, anyway. Sorry for the blog post, needed to vent about it and will keep on following this thread to learn how people deal with these things.

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>>9509146
Cosplay/con wise

They were actually a very good friend for a while before they became rather toxic. We still share the same friend group. Best advice if its someone in your friend group:
1. I do not unless we have to interact together while hanging out with other people. I do not pretend to be good friends but I will be courteous and respectful.
2. Yes on social media, no if I am in a friend group and we are all talking with each other.
3. I took several large steps back in our friendship and I have made new friends to interact with at conventions and talk about cosplay with.

They did something to try and provoke negative emotions out of me (muuch more than vague posting). I ignored them completely, they haven't done anything like it since because they didn't get any reaction out of me.

Be cautious of red flags and always try to be mature and level headed when dealing with them.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201505/13-red-flags-potentially-toxic-friendships

>>9509208
I agree with everything but the part about the national meeting girl. In that case, the girl was the problem. She's toxic as fuck, everyone who's know or talk to her can see this. And the organization did absolutely nothing about it, actually they defended the girl even after a lot of people posted prints showing her toxic behavior.

>>9509241
I didn't know about the national meeting girl. Is she gone now? Did the shaming posts help? I just got to know her because of the huge amount of drama and shit post that started appearing in my timeline, then I saw that this girl I mentioned before went to her post to accuse her of being fake and whatever, all in public, as if to make a show. She could have taken all of it in private, but...

I don't know, I always feel that exposing people like this only makes things worse. After all that happened I started getting uncomfortable with those girls, like we were in some kind of Mean Girls movie.

Then I started ignoring all of them. I won't be mean or rude to them, of course, but I also won't make any effort to be friendly or stablish contact.

I just want to be the farther I can from people that take joy in drama.

>>9509160
Please go into more detail, so we can help you better? What kind of hobby are you sharing and how are they upsetting you?

>>9509301
Hi anon! Thanks for your time.
I'm in a cosplay comm, and sometimes there are one or two people that like to bring up private things about others just to make them feel bad. Some of these things are lies, but some aren't (like some of them being gay - and it being a secret, because they have very conservative parents).

They seem to pick them up randomly, whenever the comm is going through a "peaceful wave". So they come with gossip and whatever to disturb this peace we have.

I only ignore it, but a lot of people just like to hear about this kind of thing, and then everything becomes tense and people start fighting.

I know I already do my part - of ignoring and not sharing anything that comes to me in the shape of gossip - but I wish I could do something more to stop this kind of attitude.

Feels like an utopia, but well.

>>9509322
did you talk to mods about it or come directly to cgl? if shittalkers are chummy with the mods get the fuck out

>>9509327
I discreetly tried to bring this issue up once or twice, but I'm afraid they'll just end up talking about me with the toxic people and I become another victim.

The mods do know about all this problem, but it's still a mystery to me as to why they don't do anything to solve.

I guess you're right, leaving the comm is probably the best option, specially if I want to keep my health in place.

Thanks a lot for your advice!

>>9509353
If your mental stability is at stake from this person. Get out! There's a difference between people who are just somewhat salty and seriously mean people. It almost sounds like what you are dealing with is a seriously horrible person. I usually take descriptions like "toxic" with a grain of salt because "toxic" is such a meaningless word.

I'm kind of grasping that you are dealing with someone who is a serious backstabber though.

>>9509191
>We usually hear the opposite of it, that it's important to keep ourselves polite and etc.
It depends on the level of nasty we're talking here. If the person is someone you have a personality clash with, but isn't actually somehow a bad influence/toxic factor in the community, then yeah. You act like a civil adult and excuse yourself from conversations involving that person.

If they're actively having a negative force on the community, that rule kind of goes out the window.

We're currently dealing with a very toxic person in our group of friends right now. I don't think they even know how negative they're being. Everything is 'I can't.' 'That's wrong.' 'I'm salty.'

They have such a SJW victim complex. Our group of friends is accepting. This person preaches acceptance, yet in intolerant of any sort of off-color thing that may happen in a conversation between friends.

They say they have OCD and blame a lot of things on that and their anxiety. Yet they have not made a move to get help. (which they do have the insurance and funds for).

It's just sad since we've decided the best course of action is to slowly not make time and fade away.

sorry for blogging

If they're anything like Coloring-chan then get rid of them ASAP.

Trying to be as vague as possible because they've been in a few different cosplay communities for years so I know for a FACT someone knows them.

I've known them for about ~5 years or so, met them when I was in high school as a baby Homestuck and they were in their early 20's. Uh, they're constantly starting drama, plays victim all the time, posts a bunch of stuff on Facebook about how they're giving up cosplay because no one does groups with them (BS), oh, is also a pedophile (I've only known them over the age of 21 but they've dated a few 16/17 year olds), plus they have a REALLY short temper.

Pretty much they hop from comm to comm and they will only talk to you if they see that they can use you to further themselves, and then they'll ditch you and complain about it if you aren't there when they want you again. They only started talking to me again because they moved back to the local area and saw that I was getting a lot better at cosplays/making more cosplay friends, and even then they only want to talk about themselves and namedrop about how they know famous people ("Anon we're planning this huge group for Katsucon and we're already considered feature guests because someone knows someone" no the fuck you aren't shut up!!!), this past con we went to they kept jumping from friend group to friend group and brought a million different cosplays and when people weren't giving them their full attention it was "I'm lonely, I'm leaving, hey everyone I'm retiring from cosplays unless people do groups with me" and posting 20 Facebook statuses about it. I'm angry because it was my one friend's first time at that con and he had to worry about them all weekend because of course they latched onto him (and they were doing the most stuff together).

Why do people still talk to this person even though everyone hates them? They make you shit. "lol I'm making everyone's cosplays and styling their wigs and doing their makeup, I'm the best :)" And that's all you're good for.

>>9509188
Dutch comm?

I've dealt with a few crazy attention whores who drain the life out of everyone around them. I prefer to just quietly delete them, leave them to their ranting, and let our mutual friends see how things are for themselves while said attention whore posts three page rants about what an evil human being I am. They always end up ostracised from the group in the end, while whining about how much they hate us.

Ngl, the whole process is a lot easier if you have a solid con squad who can smell bullshit a mile off.

>>9509769
nope. I've heard similar incidents happen in other comms though, so I'm not surprised. its sad. hence why i'm recommending get the fuck out.

All my friends who run cosplay fanpages for themselves or play the popularity game in the community are always the biggest drama whores.

I love them as people and like to hang out with them outside of conventions; But conventions are like vacations for me where I can pursue my cosplay hobby and have fun, and it gets so weighed down by their popularity rat race.
Any time I'm around them during con weekend is just an endless wave of bad fuckin vibes, and them nitpicking everyone in sight or bitching about more popular cosplayers they feel threatened by.

I like having friends who also cosplay but theyre all so obsessed with the whole cosfamous scene and its so draining.

I don't know how to deal with this kind of toxicity desu because I'm fine with them outside conventions.

>>9509146
Hey OP, I dealt with a popular toxic recently.
One of my comm leaders is high school bully level toxic.

She recently decided she didn't like me and tried to turn the comm and admins against me. Thankfully, everyone had some sense I realized that I, a newbie, could not have done a thing wrong and pretty much ignored her gossip. Idk what started it, I don't know what I said, but it was apparently very wrong to her and I became a target. I rolled my eyes and waited it out and eventually it blew over and she's moved on.

Not everyone is this lucky when it comes to a popular toxic, usually they get a lot of ears listening to them and my advice to anyone else dealing with it... don't retaliate. Breath and wait it out. They'll find someone else to bitch about, just keep your head down and mind your own business and everyone will eventually come to terms with what's going on. I don't want to sound wanky, but be the bigger person.

>sorry for the blog post

>>9509177
I wish there were more leaders like you were. I was previously part of a group, and we would help each other out. One of the members started causing a ton of drama, shit talking about other members on social media, etc. Multiple people brought it up to the leader, but she didn't do anything because the dramatic girl didn't have a job, so she was always around and did work for free. I ended up leaving after she harassed me too much.

>avoid the fuck out of that person, do not fake kindness, it will make it worse.
This is a good point that I am guilty of. I've been told heard "kill them with kindness" but it doesn't always work

>>9509648
Were they a Sollux cosplayer because then I have a good idea who they are.

>>9509157
>Walk away as soon as the red flags begin to show up
This is also the only advice I tend to give people. Just remove yourself completely from them as soon as you recognize the behavior.

>>9510288
They did in fact cosplay Sollux. I guess starting drama in communities across the country for years really gives you a name!

Theirs a toxic person tearing apart my comms right now over stupid replicas. Who even cares?

>>9510855
Well, if your comments do split in pro-replica and no-replica, I hope you choose the right side.

>>9510988
If your comm* does, gosh.

>>9509191
Avoiding and politeness are not exclusive.
Politeness doesn't mean friendliness or kindness.

Of course it's extremely important to remain polite and civil, but you can be perfectly polite in a cool, distant, professional way that lets people understand what you think of them without causing a confrontation, and avoid them as much as you can.

Acting rude or like a brat is just inflammatory and stooping on their level and getting tangled up in the drama

>>9509146
Don't lie.
Don't be gross.
Don't be cringe worthy.
Don't be like Moomookun.
Should be fine then.

>>9509648
>oh, is also a pedophile
>dated a few 16/17 year olds
>16/17
>pedophile

I'm sorry to nitpick but it really pisses me off when people are misusing the term and trivializing it. Pedophilia is a specific term for a mental disorder where people are primarily or exclusively attracted to prepubescent children. Prepubescent. Not "minors", because people in their late teens have gone through puberty and look like adult (if young) women.

I know that adults going after teenagers is creepy as fuck and illegal too, but god damn I wish people would stop misusing the term pedophilia and come up with a different word for it.

It's like if people were calling all sexual harassment rape and would act as if yes, it's tooootally the same thing - it just ends up muddling and diluting the term and sort of normalises being called " a pedophile" (being attracted to post-puberty teenagers is wayyy more common than actually wanting to fuck 9-year-olds, and throwing the term around too freely will result in the term becoming kinda less weighty), and feels like appropriating the pain and trauma of actual victims just to make the creepy thing sound more serious. It's disgusting but it's not the same thing.

Sorry again for the rant, but this is my pet peeve and I honestly feel that this sort of liberal misuse is harmful

>>9511002
Nayrt but I'm finding it really difficult to balance keeping my distance and being polite/not rude, because the toxic person I'm dealing with actively seeks me out. She's a chronic oversharer and every meet she comes up to me and the other newbies to tell us all about how awful everyone is to her and anything other than "oh you poor sweet baby let's talk about how horrible you have it and how strong you are for the next hour" is perceived as callous and rude. How do I get this person to stop treating me as her therapist without getting a reputation for cold heartedness? The other newbies seem to have no problem showering her with attention at meetups and on her whiny FB updates so if I'm the only one constantly seen excusing myself and ignoring her I'll stand out, and potentially become the target of her next "woe is me everyone bullies poor little me" spiel.
I get the feeling that the more experienced members of the comm are sick of her complaining too and that's why she gravitates towards newbies, but everyone's super non-confrontational and pro status quo so I worry that if it comes to drama, they'll side with her over me. Honestly it almost feels like a kind of hazing. Like they had to deal with her too when they were new, now it's our turn, suck it up and don't make waves.

I've really only had one issue like this before, but it's because I keep a low profile and don't involve myself much with the local community etc.- I just cosplay either for myself or with people I know and trust.

To get the point though- Essentially, I was involved in my second ever big cosplay group. I did all the organisation myself. We were performing a dance for a convention so we also had to organise some training meetups etc.
I and one other girl arranged to make the costumes (They were very simple, so not much work). I did the majority and she did the remainder (3 I believe?).
Close to the event, she told us she might not be able to make it anymore- We had about a week's notice, so we all discussed it and I asked a friend from my work to fill in (if she couldn't make it), and she would just borrow the costume from the original girl. The original girl agreed to this.
Anyway, fast forward to like a day before the con, and original girl decides it's 'so unfair' that this girl will be using her costume and taking her spot. (Even though we discussed this- Everyone had practiced really hard and we didn't want anyone to miss out because of one person who had other arrangements that she said she was fine with).
Ensue a HUGE argument, her insinuating my work friend wouldn't fit/be too fat for her costume (she's not a fatty whatsoever, small and slim frame) and she then decided to refuse to hand over the THREE costumes, not just her costume.
We ended up pulling an almost all nighter before the event remaking the three costumes entirely with what little fabric I had left. It was a fucking nightmare.
After that I essentially cut off all ties with her (not that we were even friends to begin with- She was always annoying, she was just part of the group through one of the other girls). I've also totally avoided joining cosplay groups bar with very close friends/no strict commitments since then.

>>9509208
what country is this? sounds like I know who this person is

>>9511010
You can use "ephebophilia" or "hebephilia",look them up! Not many people know these words but they are much more precise than "paedophile"

>>9510836
It occurred to me I'm thinking of a completely different person because the one I know didn't go to Katsucon. The one I know is also pretty gross though, bullied minors as young as 14 into dating him but people are extremely vocal about him.

>>9510988
Owning replicas doesn't make anyone a lesser lolita.

>>9511147
It does. No other fashion group allows for knock offs either.

>>9511147
It's okay anon, you can still be kawaii in your heart uwu

>>9511147
I hope you're joking, people who buy replicas are trash and most lolitas shun those that wear knock-offs to meets.

>>9511161
>>9511162
>>9511165
My comm was accepting of them until this toxic person came along.

>>9511147
Agreed. As long as they're worn appropriately.

>>9511177
I'm pretty sure I'm a member of this comm, and at least one girl in there wasn't aware that one of her dresses was a replica when she bought it, way back when she was new. I let that slide and most of us would prefer harmony over drama. But if it boils down to it, I am very against print replicas.

>>9511177
>my comm was accepting of theft until someone with a moral compass came along

>>9511201
Ever pirated anything?

Comm members keep trying to bite at the smallest bit of drama. It's obnoxious as fuck. I know our comm is small and quiet. Y'all shouldn't express your boredom in this way. It's not healthy! If someone was actually doing something bad, I'd understand the excitement and gossip but nothing has happened and if someone disagrees with you online, it's not drama, ffs.

Tl;Dr my comm members are bored and drama hungry help

>>9511210
Ever donated to support pirating teams?

>>9511210
No.

>>9511214
Same here. People have been circle jerking all day about something that happened WEEKS ago and it's not even particularly upsetting or juicy. For fucks sake people go read a book or something.

>>9510855
Replicas are art theft and generally disliked by a majority of people in the overall lolita community. If your comm has drama over them it was going to happen sooner or later.

>>9511177
lol it is your shitty attitude and unwillingness to listen to people that is causing drama not this 'toxic person'. no one brings up replicas because they're too polite. people hate replicas, more news at 11

>>9511057
It's from Brazil. South of it, to be more specific. Just wish she could read that.

>>9511353
I get the feeling you're not the only Brazilanon posting ITT.

>>9510855
I'm the toxic person.

Cut them out of your life, asap. I was really good friends with a girl I met through some con friends, she was a sweetheart but used me as her emotional dumping ground. Everytime we talked she would just unload her emotional problems onto me but refuse to do anything about it.
>I just really want to do something with my life :(
>go back to college?
>no... I'm so sad I have nothing going for me :(
Every day all day, I eventually was getting so stressed about her problems it was affecting my own life. As soon as I realized that was what was happening I stopped communicating with her and distanced myself. I felt so much better like a giant weight was lifted from my chest.
It's never worth it to deal with people who suck the life out of you, and a lot of the time those toxic people won't make some effort to reconnect with you, they'll just move on to someone else to leech off of.

>>9511361
Quantitative study-chan, is that you? I pray you keep fighting the good fight because your presentation was great! 10/10 for use of surveys

I came in this threard only for the drama

>>9511220
>implying torrenting sites aren't full of ads
They're here for a reason.

>>9510855
>>9511361
>>9511397
I don't think we're thinking of the same comm, because the comm isn't being "torn apart" ffs, there isn't even any conversation about replicas going on right now. People are just doing their thing as usual.

>>9511356
Well, anyway, I don't want drama nor stupid fights. Just wish she could stop it and we could enjoy peace for a while until something actually important happens.

Sage for vent.

>>9511233
If they're so bad, and i agree they are, why do even critics continue calling them replicas instead of bootlegs?

>>9511514
For the same reason lolita fashion is still called lolita despite many people hating the name. It's been used for so long and the name has stuck. Maybe people call them bootlegs and counterfeits but it isn't the immediately recognized term that "replica" is.

>>9511361
No no no, the person who likes replicas is the toxic person, they just haven't realized it yet.

>>9511418
>Full of ads

Pirate bay had 4 ads per page. Kickass had 4 per page. Non intrusive ads too. Just banner ads.

BUT I GUESS PEOPLE THAT TAKE RISKS AND HOSTS POTENTIALLY ILLEGAL CONTENT TO KEEP THE INTERNET A FREE UNINCORPORATED MEDIUM DON'T DESERVE SOME SORT OF COMPENSATION.

10/10 I'm salty now. Sage OT

>>9511031
>anything other than "oh you poor sweet baby let's talk about how horrible you have it and how strong you are for the next hour" is perceived as callous and rude
Anyone adhering to that is an idiot. If she approaches you and starts in on the oversharing, excuse yourself. Make up some reason to go elsewhere. The minute she starts in on the "woe is me!" just say something like "excuse me, I need to go find ___ to ask them something" or "Pardon me, I need to go find the toilet." Then just don't go back to her, and talk to someone else instead.

If she insists on following you, then you have to be more direct. You don't have to make it rude or even confrontational. Just express that you feel that you don't know her well enough to advise her, or to be involved so deeply in her personal life, and leave.

If the other people in your comm try to put shit on you for that kind of behaviour, they're probably not a great group of people to be hanging out with, desu.

>>9511394
I have a friend like this. She has all kinds of woes, but when you offer her advice, she just sighs and huffs and says "I can't do that because [stupid reason that makes no sense at all]."

So I hid her from my Facebook feed, and when she gets all martyr-y in person, I change the subject or engage someone else in the conversation. If she starts complaining about work, I'll turn to the person next to her and ask them how their studies/dog-sitting business/new baby niece/other sources of small talk are going. It tends to work pretty effectively.

I have a friend who called other _____ cosplayers lazy and called himself the best _____ cosplayer and be lazy himself and he also want to people to recognize him for his cosplay but doesn't even try to improve his cosplay

>>9509648
...you do know the age of consent is 16 and 17 in many states, right? like, it's one thing if they were dating 13-15 year olds but 16-17 is pretty fucking normal for the U.S and not pedophillic at all, wtf.

>>9511084
that's not pedophilia, either.
stop misusing terms for your shit SJW rhetoric

>>9511909
>Implying the age of consent being lower than age of adulthood is ok

I don't know if the solution to this issue is to raise consent ages because 18 is arbitrary, too. But there will inherently be a power imbalance when you have minors "consenting" to adults.

Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's right.

>>9511915
>implying there are not other countries where the age of adulthood AND consent is 16
>implying your ~personal opinion~ matters when it comes to state laws
anon pls. if the age of consent was raised to 18 everyone, teens and adults alike would throw a shitfit and you know it.

>>9511917
Still doesn't mean it's right. Maybe lower the adult age to 16? But that'd open a different can of worms.

>>9511921
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Soccer+mom

>>9511924
wat

>>9511926
Educate yourself.

>>9511928
I'm not trying to strictly enforcement anything though? I just voiced my opinion about age of consent and why it's not immune to moral objections just because it's been the norm. I admit that I don't have a solution. You seem angry.

>>9511932
>moral objections
>I admit that I don't have a solution

>>9511935
People can point out something that has room for improvement even when they don't know exactly how to fix it. It's not like I'm holding a gun to anyone's head demanding that they fix it for me just for my personal sensibilities. I feel bad for minors who have been exploited in those kinds of scenarios is all. Have you been reading one too many a drama post that gotten you in a confrontational mood or something?

>>9511147
It absolutely does, it means you're a piece of shit, tacky bitch who only cares about instant gratification and finds petty excuses for blatant theft. Fuck you and everyone who wears replicas, you're cunts.

>>9511147
are you talking print replica or design/construction replica?

'cus only one is legal.

>>9511147
No it really does make you a lesser Lolita. You're actively supporting art theft, and helping steal money from the brands that are doing all the hard work just so you can buy a cheap ugly shitty chinese bootleg.
Every fashion and community shuns bootlegs and replicas. Get used to it, ita.

>>9511220
That's a bad comparison.
A good comparison would be paying a lesser unskilled band to badly play and cover your favorite songs instead of just paying to see your favorite artists.

>>9512899
Meant to reply to
>>9511210

I can spot someone who has toxic attitudes now a mile away because I've had to deal with it in so many hobbies. Thing is you will always be wrong and it will always be your fault and not them. Even if you tell them what and why it will not matter you will be the bad guy. Best chance is just ignore, and move on.

Hooly SHIT.

First off I would like to say that I'm not native to this board. I was curious and dropped in.

And wow, what is wrong with you kids? This is by far some of the cringiest trap I've ever seen. You guys are literally arguing over products that none of you make money from or have any association with the creators.

Not only that, but you weebs are creating drama and throwing banter about high school teenage drama.

I honestly hope you guys aren't the type of people that go to cons because you're mentally handicapped.

>>9512923
This post belongs in the cringe thread lol

>>9512923
Be gone summerfag, no one cares.

>>9512937
>>9512939
>But we aren't cringe, YOU are reeeeee
Lol, stop

>>9512923
You absolutely sure you don't have some replicas in your closet? Positive?

>>9512996
Positive. I'm too much of a normie to care, shoot me.

Question! Our comm has been having a history with this one chick that's really toxic, she'd been banned from the comm once already, then let back in 3 years later, attended 1 meet and then started stirring shit up again. The course of action was simple: ban, ignore, avoid, etc.
But here's the problem: she knows a lot of people in the cosplayer comm and other cosplay and JSF comms in neighboring countries, and she shittalks our comm constantly, befriends newbies and acts like she's a sweetheart and turns them away telling them that we're a bunch of bitches, haters, etc. We've had people tell us that they would like to join the comm after meeting us at like a con, because it appeared in person that we're nice people, and not the assholes that she'd describe us as. We've also had people say that they like us but won't come to meets because of her.

tl:dr what can you do if a toxic person is shittalking the comm to other people and turning people away? :(

>>9513375
Find out what's wrong with her and try to help. Don't feed the drama. Talk to some of her real friends or family and see why she's acting out?

>>9513435

I've met her a short while ago so I don't know who to reach out to, I'm not even sure she has any real friends, I've even had people unrelated to cosplay and lolita say that they know of her and that that's her standard attitude - befriend people and then use them and blow them off, and if she's confronted or something doesn't go her way she flips and goes into shit-stirring berserk mode. For example, one girl was her friend and was helping her with a cosplay, but when she didn't manage to finish sewing something before a certain date this girl went apeshit, started spreading rumors and event sent her a message wishing her death soon on her _birthday_.
It's the typical behavior anon described above, where if anything goes wrong then she's the victim being attacked by monsters. I don't know if it's possible to get through all that to actually try to help her :(

*even sent (typo slipped in my bad)

>>9513482
What about family? That's usually where things like this start. Does she take meds?

>>9512905
Same here, and it's so fucking frustrating to see them manipulate the people around them and not be able to do anything about it, because then they'll spin it like you're the toxic one. Pretty much every episode of drama in my comm I've seen coming from a mile away and every time I just have to let it play out because it's not worth it to get involved.

>>9513375
Can't help you anon, but my comm has the same problem. I don't think we're in the same comm though because 1) multiple people are doing this and 2) I don't think any of them have ever been banned, though I'd prefer it if they were. My country's lolita comm has such a bad reputation with the cosplayers that when my SIL, who's a cosplayer, found out that I wear lolita, she was visibly surprised because I'm (apparently) not a "catty elitist cunt" at all! I mean... thanks? lol
Personally I don't really care what the cosplayers think of us but a lot of our members do, including the mods, which means they're less inclined to take action against misbehaving lolitas who also cosplay or know many cosplayers. They don't seem to realise that shittalkers are gonna shittalk no matter how many heart emoticons you post on their pics, so it's better to just cut them off clean and not drag things out.

>>9513538

She lives in a smaller town near mine, I have no information about her family and life situation, and since I've known her for less than 2 months I kinda feel weird about the idea of showing up at her house and asking questions about her mental health and stuff.
As for meds I don't know but I don't think she is, I think if she took something regularly someone who knows her would have noticed at this point, so either she doesn't or she's hiding it.

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>>9512923
>>9512959
>>9513116
Lookie here rough man, this board exists for us to be salty cunts. This here is the salt containment center. It's the overflow bucket for all the pointlessly petty dramu that doesn't suit the farm.

Learn to enjoy unadulterated young adult female dramu in a very pure form. The only additives are annoying newfags like you and the fake stories (which can actually be pretty hilarious on their own).

>>9513583

Yah man I don't think it's the same person because this shit ain't rare, but fuck is it annoying.
I live in a small country where the cosplay comm is fairly small, and the "official" lolita comm is like 12 people, cosplayers and lolitas exist closely side by side (many lolitas like myself also cosplay, one of the comm leaders' husband is a huge cosplay nerd). So it's simultaneously very easy to stink the place up, but very hard to clear things up. Some years ago I also thought that lolitas are stuck up bitches because I didn't know them and that's what people around me thought, so now that I'm on the other side of this imaginary divide it's really weird and upsetting to realize how this sort of shit affects people, myself included.

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>>9509146
From a non seagull to all seagulls
Pic related

Maybe someone gets it

>>9513755
Shut the fuck up, Donny. You're out of your element.

>>9513758
Sure mate whatever you talking about

Its a Book from Dale Carnegie

>>9513763
And that was a quote from the Big Lebowski. Now just fuck off or lurk more, because you honestly don't know what you're talking about. We're terrible people here anonymously, because we don't fall into the quoted pitfalls from your passage IRL.

>>9513771
So much to toxic people
Or i just dont understand the joke

Maybe just take the picture as a list what you should avoid doing ??(like it was intended)

>>9513622
If you really do know her and is you have casual conversation on a regular basis 2 months is not too short of a time to ask her about her family and home life. It would definitely be odd if you showed up to her house at random. If you happened to meet her family at the grocery store by lick or something and just said "Hey. Oh you're so and so's mom? It's so nice to meet you!" *some kind of brief convo in between If possible* "I'm her friend and I've been worried about her recently, is everything okay with her at home? She just doesn't seem to be okay and she won't talk to anyone about it."

Worst case her parents are pricks, tell you to buzz off, and you know where she gets it from.

Try and hang out with her. It's not easy being alone and she may not know of anyway to cope with or fix her problem by herself.

>>9513821
*luck

>>9513821
That's kind of the thing, anon, that we don't really talk casually outside of group gatherings like meets and cons, which is why I'm hesitating to jump in and suddenly act all friendly and personal, especially since I contributed to the latest drama episode a bit (she ditched our ILD meet, turned off her phone and didn't warn anyone, several days later we asked her about it, what had happened and why she coouldn't let us know because we were a bit worried, but she went "fuck off I'm not gonna explain myself to anyone period" and that's where it ended), so I'm feeling really uncomfortable about approaching her first, in case she decided that I was also attacking her and is waiting for an opportunity to tell me to go die, too.
Also judging by the stories others have told me she's been like this for 4 years at least, it seems kinda strange to come up to her parents and ask "has your daughter been feeling okay... the past 4+ years?" I dunno man, maybe I'm just failing to see the benefit of that, but I just don't feel like it's the right course of action with this specific person...

>>9513883
I understand what you mean. The main thing I'm trying to get to is that you have to show her that you're there for her.

It's really hard to help someone that pushes everyone away and doesn't really have any real friends to open up to.

I don't know her much and can only go from what you guys tell me. You know her much better than I ever will. Does she have a boyfriend or something that you can talk to and ask (doesn't sound like it)?

From this end it sounds like she has paranoia and a mix of other problems. The only thing you can really do is show her that you're there to support her and that any time she really wants to talk that you're there. With the mention that you've been involved in recent drama she'll likely not open up to you due to fear of being outed and backstabbed (not saying that you will, but from her perspective she will think along these lines.)

It's going to be hard, but you or someone she likes is going have to have to be patient with her until she decides to come out on her own. It's going to be even harder due to the fact that no one hangs out with her outside cons.

>>9513943
*(2/2)
OOOH, I just remembered.
Try and bargain with her, trade something you thuik she'll want for her to open up more.

It sounds cringe, but tell her an embarrassing secret as a sign of peace. If she knows you aren't there to attack her or cause drama she will tell you more.

>>9513973
*think

>>9513973
Thank you for all these great suggestions anon, I'll definitely see if I can apply any of them in this situation. There's an upcoming event nearby where I think she's curating the JSF fashion show, I'll see if I can go there and maybe use that as an opportunity to get a bit closer to her.
Whether I do or not, I dunno if I'll be able to help her in any way, just saying "if you stop treating people like shit they'll stop thinking that you're a shitty person and turning away from you" won't help (not only because it never does, but also because people before me have tried). Some people have expressed thoughts that, with a mental mix like that, she'd be better off in therapy or on meds, but it's not something you can easily suggest to someone who's already perma-paranoid and drama-prone. It would take a long (I mean a LONG) time to win her trust, and I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared to sign up for that :(

>>9514051
No problem.

You don't have to be the one that does it. Do what you can, but don't allow it to break you. At the end of the day it's her decision, just know that you did all you could and that you tried.

>>9509146
playing dress up and large concentrations of women how did you not expect drama?

>>9513821
>>9513943
When someone goes out of her way to be a cunt and stir up shit with people she hardly knows, it's not anon's responsibility to be her bff or therapist.

>>9513973
>tell her an embarrassing secret
Giving someone so unhinged ammunition to talk more shit about you doesn't sound like a very smart idea, either.

>>9512923
>not native to this board
We know by your autistic post.

Of all threads to be saying this in, you do it in a thread that's specifically for advice against toxic people. I don't think we're the "high school teenage drama" board at all and /cgl/ is mostly filled with advice for the hobbies specified. You're the "cringiest trap" here and need to go back to whatever hellhole of a board you came from.

>>9509322
It's weird to see such a thread on a website that is mostly used to shit on and destroy other people kek

>>9509648
>pedophile
>gives example of neither an under 13 yo involved nor of a 6 year age gap.

Congrats, you fucking moron, you spread a bunch of misinformation. Get out.

>>9511161
If that was true, diy lolitas would be lesser, too.

>>9514278
I never said it was, this is an advice thread. Stop being so dense.

Also, she said the kid didn't respond well to other things people have tried. So someone showing a point of weakness will help her remove the girl's defensive stance.

>>9515656
This.
>>9509648
Do you know the definition of pedophile?
It sounds more like you're jealous looking for a way to get at this individual

>>9515656
>it's ok to diddle a 14 yo as long as you're 18!

wtf is with all the pedo defenders itt

>>9515756
Are you mentally retarded?
If she's 14 and he's 18 you're talking about a HS Senior dating a Freshman or Sophmore. Which happens at literally every school in the world.

>>9515763
maybe in your redneck corner of the world, but a legal adult touching a child is still pedophilia
>calling me mentally challenged
>while defending pedophilia
get checked in the brain, piece of shit :^)

>>9509146
leave this board

>>9515791
Nice troll senpai, will you be my waifu? I can buy you brando replicas.

>>9515756
Get the fuck out you fucking moron, 18 yos dating 14 yos is fucking normal. I'm a girl who was in such a relationship with another girl, she was 15, I was 18 and we had NO SEX. So shut your fucking face since you clearly have no idea what you're talking about.

>>9515763
Thanks. I knew at least five other 14/18 couples at the time I had a relationship like that going. Also, who the fuck knows who's having sex in said relationship or if some of us are actually ace.

>>9515791
Can you please just kill yourself? Teen pregnancy is okay because pregnancy is holy, but a simple relationship between two teenagers (teen age starting and child age ending is at 13 years old) is devilish. Are you even listening to your own bullshit or are you just trying to stir up shit and troll the heck outta this thread. Any way, you're not welcome here, so fuck off you retarded cunt

>>9509146
Having been toxic myself, the best advice I can give is, be the best you can be yourself, both toward your own self (self-respect, as it were) and toward everyone else (the respect of others).

The upside of this is that when someone tries to drag you into shit you don't want, people will rmember that you've always treated them right -- and so they'll be less likely to listen to the tox.

Anyway you can't control other people. The best you can do is be the best you can be.

>>9515791
>>9515922
Don't ignore me senpai, you baka.

>>9516902
Naryt

>>9516938
I don't even play League of Legends you hikikomori.

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If you see somebody that says somebody else is THE ENEMY, watch what they do. In my half-century of oldfaggotry I have observed this:

The toxic person may well be very kind and generous, welcoming you into the community, giving you time and support and free stuff.

Meanwhile, you notice that:
--the toxic person has a dial on the back of their head.
--Everybody they know occupies one space on that dial.
--There is a pointer that clicks from one person to the next on the dial.
--The person the pointer points toward is THE ENEMY.
--Every so often, this pointer moves on to the next person, who then becomes THE ENEMY.
--By this means, there is ALWAYS an ENEMY.

You are on that dial; you WILL be eventually chosen. Don't let the initial love-bombing blind you; this person WILL choose YOU to be THE ENEMY someday soon.

>>9517004
You're a retard.

>>9517067
>>9517004
They're not wrong though. The explanation could have had a bit more grace. Basically toxic people are so devoid of social skills, that their main "friend tactics" involve shit talking, and playing the victim. There's usually a group involved that are the "bullies," but the negative energy alternates from whoever is getting more attention than them. Eventually, if you continue the friendship, their attention will turn to you. Most of the time it's jealousy fueled, and from there YOU become the bully, and the toxic person will go beyondgreat lengths to soil your name and reputation

>>9517642
I have seen this in action and I'm currently dealing with it on multiple levels. It's very real and very true.

I called one of them out in their own drama stirring /cgl/ thread and removed them. Haven't checked on them since, haven't had a care in the world. If they want to continue stirring drama it's out of sight out of mind but if my friends have to deal with it I hope they just cut and disengage like I did.

Eventually that behavior will catch up to them.

>>9523149

To extend off this there may be some questions, questions I even asked myself. So...

>What if the person shittalks and turns the community against you?

While I doubt it, my usual philosophy in life is people who listen to that aren't worth my time anyway. I have some friends in the community and I trust that anyone who knows me knows if what they're hearing is just drama stirring. I don't need a lot of friends, but that's probably my age speaking. I just don't care about popularity.

It's a bit of a concern I'll admit if there is the possibility of being outcasted because someone is bitter but if you're a genuine person the right people will accept you.

>How do you approach the person?

I don't.

>What if you're still friends/haven't removed them from your life?

I keep an arms length and don't allow myself to get involved until necessary. I almost made that mistake but a friend had my back giving me a recap of their observances.

It was apparent that I wasn't really valuable in their life anyway, so fortunately it seems like a clean break. But sometimes some people want to get you involved cuz they can't handle you taking the higher ground. I've experienced that.

The less you give them the less they'll throw back at you.

>>9509152
I'm new to my lolita comm. They're awful to the new lolitas. I was talking to other girls and I found out more than one person was being bullied about supporting something or against their beliefs. The problem is, it's the mods and their friends doing this.

The cosplay community is a lot more welcoming and accepting where I am.

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>>9511856
There's no reason for them to do it for free. In fact, you'll never have anything for free. When you don't pay for the product, you are the product. Welcome to the 21th century

>>9523239
>>9509152

Sometimes it doesn't help to ignore since the toxic people may initially come off as non-toxic. For some people their toxicity rears its head in a moment that makes it hard to ignore (having to defend oneself, toxic person latches onto person, etc.)

For the Lolita person, sometimes (most of the time from what I noticed in my local community) toxic people are the ones who try to become more popular and either have succeeded or managed to assume themselves in a position where you'll find them everywhere you go.

I think (though I may be wrong to guess this) if you treat the new lolitas better and form your own sort of group, the shitty mods will be losing community members to a better person.

You won't be *super successful* or anything like that but you'd at least form a group of people and have your subcommunity. Unless you're toxic yourself.

>>9523239
Soooo, do you want to be a lolita, or a cosplayer?

What should you do if the toxic person is the 'leader', and the community's small so there's only one worldwide group?

>>9509146
Train yourself not to care. When you fail to care any drama that would have started doesn't catch fire cause you didn't react, you don't get your feelings hurt cause you have no fucks to give, everyone around you will acknowledge you are a chill mother fucker so won't believe you said squat. and the one stirring the pot will just look stupid enough that others will start feeling the way you do... that is, zero fucks to give.

TL:DR
>nothing quashes drama faster than you not giving a shit.

>>9527776
premature post,

continued:

Or you could manipulate the shit stirrers for funsies. Stay as non-commital to either side of the arguments and only care as far as you can get something out of all the bs.

my shitty advice aside, please remember, even when things are feeling the shittiest, drama and comms don't need to go hand in hand. Make some good friends where you can and don't even try with the shitty people. Don't be mean but just nod and agree then move on.

Also, having a healthy vent on anon once and a while doesn't mean you are toxic, or someone hates you (if you are the subject of an anon secret or something) some times people just need to get stuff off their chest and don't feel negatively towards you.

Have fun making friends!

>>9517642
>>9517004

I'm guessing >>9517067 has never dealt with unstable or manipulative people before, because this is a very good analogy for this breed of toxic friend. The ones I've known have been incapable of accepting blame or admitting that they are part of a problem - instead the shift the blame onto someone else (usually a friend), and cry about how that person has wronged them or is the one causing all the issues. Gaslighting or other tactics are involved, and they will usually complain to everyone else in the friendcircle about how awful that person behind their back.

I had a bipolar friend who would get deep into this cycle whenever she stopped taking her medication. She'd be your best friend for months on end until some small event would set off her paranoia meter, and she'd suddenly decide that person not only wronged her, but was actively conspiring against her in secret with the other mutual friends. Absolutely nothing could shake her of this paranoia, and in the meantime she'd pick someone else to be her new best friend. Eventually the cycle would repeat with the new friend, and once she had played this game with everyone in her friends group, she'd return to one of the spurred friends and explain that she wanted to be friends again and forget about the past. A pal of mine actually forgave her, only to be burned once again half a year later.

>>9509146
>>9509353

Best defense against toxic people is to know what they are exactly they are and common behaviors to look out for. Only then can you effectively deal with them. I'm not saying that every toxic person has a personality disorder. But all exhibited disordered behaviors can be handled as if they did. The good thing is that the ones who don't have hardcore disordered can generally be helped to some degree, either by positive group think "we want to be supportive, but you really need to help yourself for us to help you", or through general behavioral training. Normally in the form of shunning bad behaviors and rewarding good ones.

Unfortunately all you can do with truly disordered people is cut them out and minimize the damage they do to the group as a whole.

List of common destructive personality disorders. And again, even if someone doesn't have one of these disorders you can still treat disordered behavior in the same way. Its still the same exhibited behavior.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B_personality_disorders

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/dsm-5-the-ten-personality-disorders-cluster-b/

One of the most destruct disorders I see people deal with in this community.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/08/14/signs-of-narcissism_n_4696772.html

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/04/11-things-not-to-do-with-narcissists/

You don't have to be loud and haughty to be a Narc, some are very quite and seem innocent.

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/23-signs-youe28099re-secretly-a-narcissist-masquerading-as-a-sensitive-introvert/

Hope this helps.

>>9513583

read this
>>9530600

Projection and smear campaigns are common behaviors.