/b/, I have a question. Am I wiping my ass wrong? Ever since

>>739315196
I wipe then use wet paper to wipe again then wipe one more time dry. Are you new at this?

It's usually 15 odd for me apart from the rare ghost shit 2 wipes max

30 wipes ? this is anal masturbation anon

>>739315395

>then use wet paper to wipe again

Are you dipping your toilet paper in the shitty toilet bowl water?

>>739315196
The image is too trippy for me.
Sorry, cannot give advice.

>>739315597
What is a sink

>>739315196
You're supposed to pinch the loaf off and wipe the ass, not keep pushing shit out while you wipe.

>>739315395
When I do this it leaves paper all over my ass

>>739315656

Do you have slenderman arms or do you physically get up and go to the sink each time you take a shit.

>>739315597
No the sink. Some people spit but I'm not a savage. Are YOU new at this?

>>739315656
an object at the other end of the bathroom. you stand up, pants around your ankles, and waddle to the sink while shit falls out of your ass?

>>739315196
depends on what you eat

i eat a lot of fiber these days and the shit never gets a clean break and wiping is a bitch

eat a lot of meat and wouldn't even need to wipe.

>>739315500
those rare ghost shits bro.. you press out a log the size of a baby and then you're clean as a whistle.. fucking magic

People walk around with shit on their ass. I push the paper deep into my anus until it appears clean. It takes me 15-20 wipes.

>>739315744
Shit paper is shit paper. Use more layers and not too much water. Life was great when having baby wipes for little baby brother

>>739315395
I do this too.
>>739315815
How is shit gonna fall out of your ass if there was an initial dry wipe?

I wipe a few times, then spit or use sink for a wet wipe, then wipe draw. It's much more civilised in Japan or some other Asian countries where you always have a water jet of some sort.

>>739315815
What is it is next to the toilette, ehere you live afganastan?

>>739315815
Well my pants are off at home and the sink is right across from me. I'm done shitting so why would it fall out? You fucking your ass too much?

>>739315815
Hey everyone look at this guy shitting in a bathroom the size of a tennis court.

>>739315815
why are you wiping while you're still taking a shit

>>739315574
give me back my sides

>>739315902
Ghosts aren't that rare for me, its about a 50/50 chance I don't have to wipe at all, or I have to wipe like 15 times.

>>739315196
Takes me 40 times minimum. My butt bleeds and then i know im done

>>739315902
Everyone gets at least one in their life time. Glorious indeed.

OP>>739315196
Use a bidet you filthy savage.

I wipe on the average 3-7 times
3 if I've been eating well
7 if it's a lot of fast food or something

>>739315196
You're wiping right. You're simply eating wrong food.

>>739315815
You're an idiot

>>739315903
Same.

OP at least you're clean like us.

>>739316199
what are you eating bro, i want more ghosts

I bidet and wipe to dry with one wipe. Before I bought one I'd just sit on the sink and fondle the mess out - wipe to dry.

>>739316017
nah i just have a tiny ass bathroom thats built like a hallway. one end has the sink, the other the toilet.

I have a similar issue. wipe wipe wipe wipe still poop. Like Andy from Parks N Rec said, its like theres a marker back there.

>>739316199
I don't believe you

>>739316321
Turnip greens, chicken sticks from bk and chickpeas. Thats it

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>>739315395
>>739315744
>>739315781
>>739315986
This would be strange bait if it were bait... can't tell. This is some bait-level autism. For your dignity, I hope it is bait.

>>739316321
Eat more veggies and less fat.

>>739315196

A diet of mountain dew, Doritos and chicken tenders and little Debbie snacks will make your shit soft. It's your diet, not your technique dumbass

>>739315903
>this
I wipe until the paper is clean, then I wipe into my anus until that is clean.

i ghost pooop almost everytime. good very ell balanced diet, no fast food or preservatives. grow all the veggies and fruit i eat, kill majority of the meat ii eat. getonmylevelfaggots

>>739316394
Eat right you fucking pig. The amount of ghost shits you have will surprise you.

>>739316420
Yeah, one paper masterrace. The rest of the shit goes in my underwear and that can be washed at the end of the week.

>>739316420
Not been on b long enough?

>>739316422
>>739316417
vegan it is.

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>Why not use wippies instead?

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>>739316061
noooooooo.

Do none of you primitive fucks use the three seashells?!

>>739316623
Chicken is fine. Pork isn't.

>>739316583
One wipe masterrace... one paper? Dude, you're gonna get shit on your fingers. I get like 5-10 sheets of toilet paper, ball it up, 1-2 wipes and done.

>>739316321
I have cut the amount of red meat I eat by about 2/3, I eat almost no junk food, I eat/drink a lot of probiotics, I don't eat for breakfast I just have a protein drink, my lunch is light, then I eat a heavy dinner of lean meat and vegetables. I shit about once a day and its either an average shit or a ghost.

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God I thought I was the only one.

Y'all mother fuckers are disgusting. You don't wipe your ass. Have you ever seen the size of your own asshole? The length of your ass crack isn't a giant hole. You shouldn't wipe at all, it just moves shit all around your ass crack. Take the toilet paper and dab into your asshole and gently massage in a small circle. Do that twice than wipe. Ittl all be gone bro. Lesson for the day. Don't wipe your fucking ass.

>>739316725
Such a good movie.

>>739316840
Beginner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JofDuTmFpL8

>>739316840
>5-10 sheets
Poor-fag detected, I get thick toilet paper and layer it twice.

>>739315903
Exactly this, although I do it in less than 10 wipes.

Girlfriend thinks I'm disgusting using this method. Frankly I'm disgusted that she doesn't

>>739315196
I try to only shit at home. If I can't take a shower I will squat/stand on the counter over the sink and wash my ass. I suppose that's gross to people because I get shit in the sink, but no one I know fills the bowl to wash their face or anything and I always clean well. This way my ass is perfectly clean each time, no mess or itch. I am 6'5" 250lb so if I can squat on sink, so can you.

On the off chance I'm not at home I will get a wet paper towel before I go into the stall. Wipe dry as much as possible then hit it with the wet a couple times. If I absolutely couldn't do any of the above, I would probably call it a day and go hlme. Can't fucking have a dirty ass bro. Gross.

If my shit is soft I just do an enema.

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>>739315815
This guy.

>>739316960
I have a hairy ass I can't do that

>>739316892
Please don't post that gif again. I'm trying to forget the pain.

Omfg just get a bidet like the civilised world.

>>739315903
This because it's sane.

this thread is shit.

I usually just put my ass in the kitchen sink and hose it off.

When I had my own apartment and would spend all my money and weed and cigs I would just hop in the shower after I was done shitting

>>739315196
Yes you are a terd tard.

Guys,

What you call a "Ghost shit" is actually called a "Houdini". Escapes without a trace.

A "Ghost shit" is when you take a huge dump and there's nothing in the bowl when you're done.

>>739317366
shave it

am i the only one who spits on the paper when going in for the fine clean?

>>739315903
This. I also shave my ass once a month to minimize toilet paper usage. It's hard to get clean if you have a lot of ass hair. It's like shitting through a net and then wiping one side of the net to clean it.

Shaving my ass probably reduces tp usage by 20-50%.

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>>739315574

I keep on wiping until there is blood seeping from my asshole. It usually takes me around 450-500 wipes

>>739317452
the pain of what?

ITT mostly people who feel pretty good about their primitive approach to anal hygiene

Grab a turd for a few seconds, then put it back down. Are you going to wipe your hand with paper until the paper no longer shows any color? Or are you going to wipe and then follow up with water and soap?

inb4 asscracks can have a bit of poop in them, no biggie

your body is like a temple, don't treat a part of it like a designated shitting street

wipe, then wash, then wipe dry

>>739318437
How? The last time I shaved my ass I only got like half of it and I cut myself. At this point im considering just finding a hair removal cream for my ass and ball.

>>739315903
you guys gay?

you need to wait 30 seconds after finishing before your first wipe. The anus retracts in this time, and they've actually done studies that show this reduces tp usage by >70%

i started turning on the shower head and rinsing off my ass like a bidet and then finish with a wipe

>>739316219
same

>>739318871
very lightly, don't apply any pressure

if you're using a razor hold it with only two fingers

I use baby wipes and only the surface of were my asshole is. For the dick I don't even bother since it's always dripping. Rather I let it drip a couple more times and go

>>739315903
I've always wondered if this was normal. Still not sure, but at least I am not alone.

I just wipe for max. 2 times and then push the toilet paper just a little bit in my asshole (about 1-2mm). This way I just have to wipe one more time to get completely clean.

>>739318691
3

>>739319052
You know those are hell on your pipes right. Toilet paper is meant to dissolve in water, wet wipes are meant to keep their form while wet and never dissolve in the water.They just accumulate in a soggy clump.

>>739318871
It actually takes two sessions usually. It's a lot of work, time, and awkward physically. I'm also considering switching to nair but I'm not sure how I feel about putting this stuff on my sack and crack. Fortunately, they don't use lye anymore. I know two of my friends use it. Just remember, follow the instructions to the letter.

tbh i only poop little shit like rabbit never had a "normal" shit i dont know why, I eat normally dont have trouble but i'm pretty skinny and its hard to gain weight

>>739319388
You idiots and your 'throwing the stuff down the toilet' is ridiculous. We just have a trashcan to collect it all up

>>739319462
Bad diet

I use about half a tp roll, wad it up and stick it in my ass, then slowly pull it out. By the time its all out the last pieces of paper are usually totally clean and can be reused next time.

>>739319451
>>739318994
Yeah fuck it, im just going to get a cream.

>>739317076
i found another person except me who does it wow

>>739315196
Shave your ass or use baby wipes.

Or eat more fiber

>>739319543
I have only ever seen this in a third world country.

>>739319641
That's probably easiest. Good luck

I wipe until I can get at least three fingers two knuckles deep. Sometimes I need to clean myself with some Kentucky Jelly first, but I'm finding that I need less and less of it the more I practice.

>>739315196
I just use one sheet. I poke my finger through the middle of it, wipe my ass with my finger, and when I'm done I pull my finger back through the TP. Voila!

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>>739315196
See >>739315574

More than three shakes/wipes and you're playing with it.

>>739319388
Not if you use flushable wipes.
>>739319543
Well you see, some of us like our bathrooms to not smell like (literal) shit.

>>739315815
Why are you walking while shitting? Can you not control your fucking sphincter enough to keep your shit in? Can you fart without shitting your pants?

>>739319938
Hello, brother of Karl Pilkington.

>>739316209
Can relate to this.
When it stops being brown and starts being yellowy red, that's when I'm done wiping.

>>739319994
Even the "flushable" wet wipes fuck with your pipes.

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>>739315196
I don't eat garbage so I usually have no need to wipe, just once to verify.

lern2poo

>>739315196
Eat more fiber n less fast food. Work out 3 to 5 times a week. Problem gone.

>>739315196
I shit every morning once in my own home and then just wash it. Since that's the only time I shit I never have to worry about wiping. Still have toilet paper for guests or diarrhoea though.

>>739315815
>>739315656
>>739315781

yea. people at work look at me funny when im at the sink with my pants down but whatever

>>739319938
Sheryl Crow?

>>739320211
>this

They will fuck a septic system straight in the ass. Or even an older sewer system with cast iron pipe. Pipe cracks, roots grow in the pipe, wipes get stuck and voila, you're fucked in the ass by the plumber for 3-400 bucks.

This thread is not gold, it's fucking

>>739315196
3-4 wipes max.

>18" segment of TP
>fold several times into padding to cover fingers
>push straight in to anus (slightly inside), rub in small circle motion
>pull straight out without smearing
>this gets 90% of the shit
>another pad
>use middle finger on one half to wipe from bottom of crack toward hole, stop, use thumb to so same with other half top to hole
>pull out
>one more wider pad
>get any water on ass cheeks, work toward hole, gentle wipe against it, check for brown
>should be clean though

>>739319994
Well it ain't gonna smell like shit if you properly wipe

This is the greatest shit i've ever seen...

LITERALLY

>>739318900
Makes sense. I used to wipe like 10 times to get clean. Smartphones came along and I stay on the toilet long after I'm done. Usually 2 wipes rarely more than 3 now

2017-07-19

Anon learns how to wipe his ass

>>739315597
He doesn't leave his house

>>739321008
>he leaves his house
>on 4chan
pick one.

ITT The real issue the average American faces.

>>739320879
KEK

>>739320386
Public rest room at work. So privileged anon. Try shitting in the wood summer and winter for 22 years at work. KYS

>>739319626
No response cause not replying to anyone's post
Welcome newfriend
Hope I'm your first

>>739319462
Constipation, low fiber, high metabolism. Start drinking coffee or teas. Mild natural laxative

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Is there an Indian guy here ? We need an expert

>>739321863
are you indian

>>739319543

Rasheek, go home!

>>739322183
a cappuccino does it for me

>>739318502
Same, I wipe until my asshole is like raw hamburger.

I usually hop in the shower and wash my ass after a shit, it's the only way I can get my hairy ass clean

>>739319772
Agree that hair has a LOT to do w/it, esp if you have a hairy crack. Adam Carolla once said: "it's like cleaning peanut butter out of a shag rug."

Bidets everywhere would be nice, but I don't live in Japan. wth do porn dudes do to keep the hair away down there? Nair & NADS & all that shit? Or is there some magikal product I don't know about?

>>739319796

>Kentucky Jelly

kek

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>>739316211
>Use a bidet you filthy savage.

>>739315196
See above. You literally just press a button and your ass is clean

>pic related
>Remote for my toilet

>>739322653
No. Worse. Construction worker.

>>739323444
>Nair & NADS & all that shit? Or is there some magikal product I don't know about?

>2017
>not shaving your ass crack

You literally just squat over a mirror and lather up

I have a question. How do you guys deal with ass sweat. I work outside all day in 80 to 90 degree heat and I sweat a lot.

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In SE Asia they have setups a bit like this, or at least there's a pitcher with water so you can sluice some down your crack.

If you're terrified of furrin water, I guess you could use some of your own in a bottle, then wipe.

>>739323659

>just squat over a mirror
>just squat

slav detected

>>739315196
no, you're just shitting wrong

>>739320687
If you throw shitty toilet paper in the bin and have a bin full of shitty toilet paper, your bathroom will smell like shit. You dumbass.

Hahahahaha wow people here arguing about wiping when they don't even shit properly.
If you have to push to the point of straining to get it out something is wrong.
Eat some vegetables lol
Y'all be like cartman "i didn't like that food it made my poop all hard and solid"

>>739315196
Do you drink milk?

>>739323659

no way bro - not squatting over a damn mirror. Maybe if I was a scat festishist. I don't trust myself to do a good job down there & wouldn't want a razor-fine accidental nick anywhere near my cojones.

>>739323444
Nair, waxing, and shaving are the only methods I know of. I've tried shaving and it's a huge hassle. I tried waxing once, rather my girlfriend thought it would be amusing, and we stopped after two sheets because I started bleeding where the hair had been. Although, I was drinking liquor at the time so the blood-thinning properties of alcohol might have caused that bleeding.

Sometime in the next month or two I'll try nair because I really don't feel like shaving again.

Porn stars probably either nair or wax. There is also the possibility of one of those laser surgeries to permanently get rid of hair, but I suspect that would be rare.

>>739315903
>>739318437
This. Also an additional wipe from a wetwipe is also good after.

>>739324391
It's shockingly easy actually. Just use a razor with NO MORE than two blades. You do it after a shower. Feels great.

Couple that with a bidet and I gotta tell you my ass is immaculate and my butthole is so fucking clean and fresh.

I ended swamp ass.

>>739316725
LMAO. I got the reference.

>>739324559
Yep. I just don't have any of the flushable kind and have forgotten to buy them for years. I really don't want any shit wipes in my trash can.

But shaving + flushable wet wipes is the ultimate technique in terms of toilet paper efficiency.

>>739324282
What I'm saying is it ain't gonna smell that bad anyways unless there something wrong with your ass that you need to wipe 20 times

>>739316725
They don't even know what the seashells are for .... LOL!

It's about diet and body fauna, anon. When I'm on campus it's about 3-4 wipes per shit, when I'm at home it's 20+. Sometimes shit is just stickier based on what you eat.

>>739315815
The reactions to this post are golden.
>lying in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks.
>wife thinks I'm insane
>cannot tell wife reason for laughter

>>739315903
I takes me 5-7 wipes to finish cleaning up my ass. And then I use toilet paper to get the remainder of the wet shit, so it doesn't sweat-up at the end of the day.

>>739315395
I bring paper towels in and I use those for a wet-wipe. then dry with TP. if still shit on the TP I do another wet wipe with paper towels again. don't use too many paper towels or you will clog the toilet.

You guys never heard of a wiping rag? Yep. Past down from dudes in my family. Just an old rag, keep on a hook by the bowl. Wipe that door, wash, hang to dry. Stinks a bit, but eh. Started out as white. Now, a deep, dark, muddy brown.
Other than that. Let the old tighty-whities. Do the "wiping". Yep.

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>>739315196
i squat down, lift my sack and go from back to forward kek.
I also usually include dairy in my daily diet, I LIEK CHEESE! so i cant remember a time when i didn't have a solid clean shit where the toilet paper wasnt white on the first wipe...*knock on wood*

>>739323894
>that picture
Why the hell is everything brown there. Do people shit everywhere?

>>739325619

door=dook.

when I'm at home, I will shower after every shit and just hose myself off while I'm in there. I haven't payed for TP in over a year.

this method ensures that I have 0 body odor as well.

I have to snag a roll from my parents house when my GF comes over though.

>>739325147
this guy gets it.

>>739325388
I fancied those tissues with the lotion on them for when you have a cold and doesn't chap your nose when blowing too much. Give em a try. Might change your whole world

>>739324449

Nair. Just make sure to plug your ass, and don't leave it on too long.

>>739325147
This has been a great post for once on /b/

As a child i realised that everytime i took a shit i would also piss. I assumed this was for some evolutionary benifit. Decide that obviously humans are meant to piss on the toilet paper before wiping for extra cleanability (pretty sure im autistic). This goes on for some time and i proud of my discovery so i decide to tell my father so he will be proud of his little retard son. He immediately assumes im a full blown sperg. I had to prove that i wasnt pissing on my toilet paper for the next two months

Keep 'em stories coming

>>739326036
did papa make you piss on him instead?

>>739326036
This is the next groundbreaking discovery in modern sanitation. You are a pioneer ahead of your time anon, from this point on Im pissing on my toilet paper.

>>739326442
Just dont tell your father

>>739315768
Awh man I proper laughed ou loud at that fuuuck

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>>739326036
uwotm8

Use a bidet, faggot

Irish/Italian. So, yeah, hair. Nothing like having a "hair net" for the shit to push through. So...I have developed the "water jet" shower head. None of that pussy-ass pc, water-saver shit. My routine has almost always been shit, wipe thoroughly, then a nice shower. Jets right to the asshole. Times I've used half a bar of soap. Yep. A bit of ocd. Eh. I'm clean.

i shit like 3 times a day
taking a shower every time would be annoying
i just wipe it and if there is still bit of shit i just let it be
who cares

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>>739327259
people with shit-based diseases and golgothans.

>>739326036
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q1Mr2Ci-fg

>>739320662
>how to basic

>>739323569
Hey, I'm a construction worker and I like my job.

>>739315744
Better than shit stains all over your ass.

I'm a fatass and I have to lean against the wall to wipe my ass. My ass is never clean until I can get in the shower and squat over the removable shower head. I could wipe until there was peace in the Middle East and it still wouldn't be clean.

>>739323569
i feel your pain brother. general contractors who are too cheap to pay for a shitter deserve to be slapped.
still better shitting in the woods then some seven eleven shitter thats been pissed all over and every so often shit on.

>>739328402
I do too but never a portapotty around. Cheap contractors

>>739315196
If you eat a healthy diet, you practically don't need to wipe. That said, I like to take a shower immediately after taking a shit so that I can cleanse my asshole. I've also used wet wipes in the past for when showering wasn't an option (Not trying to dry my skin out.).

I haven't needed to shit in public for a long time, getting to the point where you take your shits at the same time every day when you're at home is the best option.

I shit out pure muscus so wiping is hard because it just gets coated in slime but it only takes 2 dry 2 wet and I'm done

>>739328945
I can agree to that. At least it's clean in the woods minus that occasional stick jabbing you in the ass. Winters can suck if the snow is deep, nothing like a nice swipe of cold snow on your nut sack on a cold day while squatting over a log.

>>739315903
Woah, I guess we're the minority.

Woah... all those people I've seen... talked... touched... most of them with shit on their anus... Maybe even my family woah...

At least I clean my ass well.

ITT: Fiber deficiency.

If you have to wipe more than 3 times with dry paper, then you are unhealthy.

>>739329071
Oh shit, I feel you there.

>>739323659
I put one leg up on the rim of the rub, spread my ass with one hand and shave with the other.

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>>739315656
you fucking tell me

>>739315815
This is the kind of post that I will always visit /b/ for. You glorious bastards...

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I typically wipe my ass on my forearm, scrape it off on the side of the bowl, splash some toilet water on my asshole and repeat until I'm covered head to toe in shit and then I suck a fucking steamy loaf out of andy Sixx's asshole

if you have a healthy diet your poop will be more dry. Even from 1 wipe the toilet paper will look clean. Eat granola bars and stuff with fibre each day.

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>>739315196
>20 or even 30 wipes most times to get clean

im actually taking a shit right now, i'll let you know how it turns out.

>>739316017
The toilet was right next to the sink in every house I've ever lived in.

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its because your tensing and forcing it out. the correct way to shit, as told by the masters of street shitting is to position your body in a squat and let the shit literally slide out. if you tense up, highly scientific diagram to the left shows, you cut your log in half and mash it agaisnt your asshole, as well as splitting it at higher sections meaning you dont complete the entire shit. you almost shouldnt need to even wipe if you do it right. sit down, relax, and no matter what feeling occurs, RELAX. let the shit SLIDE out. it will pull itself along practically and deposit itself
your body only has one way of forcing shit out, tensing, applying pressure. the models on the left show what you do when that happens. the right, shows what will happen if you just fuckin relax.

ever notice in old movies/media/literature they take a newspaper to the toilet and take a long time to shit? because depression era folk knew where it was at and how to save toilet paper. they sat their ass down and waited

this is also why 1st worlds have much higher rates of ass related issues, because the toilet causes everyone to constantly smear and force shit into the delicate folds of ones anus, while poo in loos dont even need to wipe because they got shit down to a shitting art

>>739331367
really? i don't think i've ever seen it, save at my parent's house. all the apartments I've been in have the two separated by a false doorway.

>>739331647
This nigga right here knows his shit.

>>739331315
2 squares, folded in half, one wipe, fold in quarters, 2nd wipe, fold in eights, last wipe comes out clean.

3, 3 wipes and the 3rd one wasnt really necessary, 2 squares used. you ham planets need a rag on a stick or something?

>>739331835
>SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS BEFORE SITTING
how wide is your ass that they dont spread naturally when you sit on the bowl?

File: 1474505823374.jpg (557KB, 1936x2592px) Image search: [Google]

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>>739332113

File: 1200px-Bidet_weiss.jpg (156KB, 1200x925px) Image search: [Google]

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>>739315196
yep

>>739332113
Spread them beyond how far they spread naturally, it helps a lot.

>>739315196
Your shit should not be waxy or sticky. Sounds like you need more fiber, water, or both.

I have the same problem, OP. I often have to use a ton of toilet paper to wipe my ass clean. I wipe both sitting down and standing up.

I'll wipe while sat on the toilet first, then I'll wipe standing up with one leg on the sink counter or against the wall so that my ass cheeks are naturally spread.

I always wipe to the point where I see no residual shit whatsoever on the toilet paper.