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Tell us a joke, anon!

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 191
Thread images: 42

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Tell us a joke, anon!
>>
>>734052921
womens rights
>>
Why did the man throw the clock out of the window?

Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife to death.
>>
>>734052921
knock knock
>>
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We heard you're really funny!
>>
>>734052921
Best train ever
>>
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Why are you so quiet?
>>
>>734053143
im hrony
>>
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>>734053248
>>
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C'mon anon! We're waiting...
>>
>>734053020
fuck you
>>
My life
>>
>>734053143
I can already feel my hyperhydrosis and rosacea activating
>>
>>734052991
/thread
>>
>>734052921
your penis
>>
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>>734052921
>Ctrl+Alt+Delete
>Task Manager
>Look for 'System' or 'System 32'
>Delete
>???
>Profit
>>
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Maybe if we get a bit more comfortable, so will you.

Does this help?
>>
>>734053426
y-you t-t-too...
>>
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Why is your face getting all red anon? Tell us that joke already!
>>
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Yeah anon! Let's hear a good one!
>>
>>734053779
shut the fuck up you cunts, and make me a fucking sandwich while i turn on the video game
>>
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>>734053549
>oh god, they keep leaving
>I'm only down to 5 now
>ahhhhgg!!!1!
>I need to come up with something
>what would /b/ do?
S-so... uhh...
Did you see that one with the banana?
>>
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Alright here comes the joke! We're ready!
>>
>>734053985
kek
now this is getting good
should have posted in ebonics tho
>>
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If you don't tell these girls a joke first, I will anon!
>>
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Statutory rape

>>hah
>>
>>734053985
>>734053893
>>734053779
>>734053549
Why are pills white? Cause they work
>>
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>>734052991
>>
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Oh my god! He's finally telling it!
>>
>>734052921
How much spaghetti can this anon hold in his pockets?

"how much, anon?"

None...
>>
>>734053779
>What joke? The fuck are you ugly cunts looking at? I need a dick to suck asap
>>
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shit anon. that was your joke? wow loser
>>
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>>734053386
>>
>>734053016
norm?
>>
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>brap
>>
>>734054381
What did you expect, a comedy routine?
Who do I look like to you, Donald Trump?
>>
>>734054381
the one on the far left digged it
>>
Why did the scarecrow win the award?

BECAUSE HE WAS OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD.
>>
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Are we too young for the joke you're going to tell, anon?
>>
>>734052921
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks him if he would like something to drink. Descartes says "I think not" and ceases to exist.
>>
What do you call an islamic woman with an opinion?
Who cares, you'll stone her to death later
>>
>>734054450
Why did the bear go deep sea fishing?

Just for the halibut
>>
>>734054624
I dunno, are you old enough to suck my dick?

>the answer is always "yes"
>>
>>734054508


Yep, He's a real jerk!
>>
>>734054597
She looks like a good fuck too
>>
How can you tell when you're at a gay picnic? The wieners taste like shit
>>
>>734054624
Here's another one.

Guy walks into a bar. He gets a concussion and dies from a brain hemorrhage.
>>
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels
>>
>>734053087
its a bus
>>
How can you tell if the person you are talking to is gay?

They usually have a smile on their face.
>>
>>734052921
a nigg-
>>
You all have probably heard this, but fuck it.
A wise man was relaxing and drinking a beer when his grandchild asked him a question.
>"grandpa, which hurts the worse, being kicked in the nuts or childbirth?"
The wise man pondered this for a second
>"well, anon, I believe being kicked in the nuts hurts the most."
>"why, grandpa?"
>"because, once a woman has a baby, she will most likely say she wants another within a year or so; but you will never hear a man ask to be kicked in the nuts EVER!"
>>
>>734053043
that redhead

>muh dick
>>
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To fuck all of you bitches! Cawww!
>>
>>734053893
look out boys there's a rapist behind you
>>
How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm?
>>
>>734052921
>>734053043
>Tfw this really happened
>She wasn't even hot iirc
>>
Why jews love to use soap to wash their hands?
Because not often you can hold your family so tightly!
>>
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
>Where the hell is my tractor?
>>
>>734055261
How?
>>
>>734053493
See a dermatologist if you haven't. Hyperhydrosis is a bitch. Also, if you have anxiety, see somebody about that. It could be why you're so sweaty.
>>
I go to see my doctor, Dr. Vinny Boombatz. He tells me to stop masturbating. I ask him why. He says, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
>>
So a literal faggot posts as a woman and you humor the twink?
>>
>>734052921
Two muffins get put into an oven to bake

The first turns to the second and says
>Holy shit its hot in here

The second turns back to the first and says
>Holy shit a talking muffin!
>>
>>734053549
I'm sorry, I think you're confused. Liquor is what you're looking for, not tits.
>>
>>734055326
That took my brain 3 leaps to get to
>>
Have you heard Ariana Grande's latest song?
It's a bomb!
>>
>>734055539
Yes.
>>
>>734052921
OP's life
>>
>>734055611
Fags being fags
>>
What do you call a bird with no feathers or head?

My ex-wife
>>
A young lady came into the store the other day looking for a German method of coal extraction.

MEIN SHAFT SHE GOT!!!!!!
>>
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>>734055605
Top kek, Anon.
>>
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."
>>
>>734055605
Her concerts are a blast I've been told
>>
>>734055780
Of course they are, look at all the public's hands in the air
>>
A woman came into the store asking for help from two strong men.

Help from two strong men she wanted? Double frame she got!
>>
>>734055780
But her encores are a real killer
>>
How do you know you're at a gay barbecue?

All the hotdogs taste like shit.
>>
How long does it take Hillary Clinton to take a shit?
>About 9 months
>>
>>734054079
Because 7 is a registered six offender.
>>
>>734055844
The fans are the deal breaker though, they really kill the mood
>>
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
>A doberman
>>
>>734055872
Double teamed

Fucking autocorrect

Off to kill myself now


A woman came into the store asking for a cake.

A cake she wanted?
A creampie she got!
>>
>>734055872
A woman came into the store asking for an orgasm.

An orgasm she wanted? WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT SHE GOT!!!
>>
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>>734055911
>>734054866
really?
>>
>>734055915
>Hillary Clinton
Dont you mean nigger?
>>
>>734055605
>>734055780
>>734055844
>>734055908
>>734056048
Well played, gentleman
>>
Have you tried unplugging and plugging it back in?
>>
A woman came into the store.
The floor was a mess
>>
>>734052921
Um ookk..gksapdgasgkpgsd
>>
>>734056152
Either way works
>>
>>734053549

>... swating like a mf

How do u like them apples?
>>
but seriously though, tfw you will never have the skills to succeed in this social situation. Hell I can't even make small talk with cashiers and people like that
>>
A woman came into a store asking for a orgasm.

A orgasm she wanted?
Who gives a fuck what she wants!
>>
An Irishman didn't walk into a bar.
>>
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>>734053043
What did the man say to the woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. He already told her twice. Boooooooooom.
>>
>>734052921
>So a nigger, a spic, and a white man are all walking along a beach
>And they happen upon a genie lamp, they rub it and out pops a genie
>So the genie says for freeing me from my cage I'll grant each of you one wish
>So the nigger says for my wish I want all my people free and happy in my Homeland
>Genie say done and all the niggers are happy and free in Africa
>The spic says I too, want all my people happy and free in my Homeland
>So the genie says done and all the spics are happy and free in Mexico
>And the white guy says so you mean to tell me that all the niggers and all the spics are out of America?
>And the genie replies well yes, why?
>To which the white guy says in that case I'll have a Coke
>>
>>734053963
>a sandwich
spoted the epsilon faggot
>>
>>734052921
W-where can you find a t-turtle with no legs?
>>
What's. Harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
>>
>>734056343
lol
>>
>>734055992
You fucked up the joke,

Because 7 is a nigger.
>>
>>734053522
windows does not have system 32 anymore
>>
A woman walks into a store asking for a funny joke?

A funny joke she wanted?
Severely beaten she got!
>>
>>734053043
*farts immensely and grins after a few moments of awkward silence*
>>
>A 16 year old walk into an abortion clinic
"Hello, I would like to get an abortion"

"I'm sorry sir, but you are too old"
>>
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. Just as he was about to take a sip a fly lands in his drink. The Irishman quickly grabs the fly by the wings, looks it straight in the eye and yells "SPIT IT OUT!!!"
>>
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cZ8-RgtrP0
>>
Dad: Where have you been?
Son: Teacher made me stay behind and do lines.
Dad: But that was two days ago!!
Son: What can I say, he buys good shit!
>>
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don't cum in the apple before I eat it.
>>
I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.
Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before
>>
If my internet gets any fuckin slower, by the time this video loads...
That girl will be legal .
>>
I hate it when a woman turns the lights off during sex,Cant see a fucking thing through the windows
>>
A lady walks into a store and asks for a large dose of Cancer.

A large dose of cancer she wanted?

Directed to /b/ she was!!!!!
A lady walks into a store and asks for an original joke.

An original joke she wanted?

Directed to /b/ she was not!!!!!!
>>
Sex is like a drug to me......I need to go into town at night to buy it.
>>
>>734056939
Dis
>>
>>734052921
Jokes on all on you, I'm gay.
>>
>>734056612
kek
>>
>>734052921
What do you do if you see a black man hopping through a field?
>stop laughing and reload
>>
A lady walks into a store and asks for a large dose of Cancer.

A large dose of cancer she wanted?

Directed to /b/ she was!!!!!

A lady walks into a store and asks for an original joke.

An original joke she wanted?

Directed to /b/ she was not!!!!!!
>>
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How many jews can you fit into a jetta? 2 in the front, 3 in the back and about 500 in the ashtray.
>>
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>>734056828
>>
>>734057119
Why don't you fucking contribute something instead of just bitching you cuck
>>
>>734053143 quire an array of cunning stunts
>>
>>734057259
A faggot walks into a /b/ thread and bitches about how much of a cuck he is.

Bitches about his worthless cuck life?

Not any better did it get!!!
>>
>>734057116
What do you do if you see your microwave floating away in the night?
>shout "stop right there nigger"
What do you do if you see your fridge floating away in the middle of the night?
>nothing, thats a big ass nigger
What do you call one white guy with 3 black guys
>victim
What do you call one white guy with 15 black guys?
>coach
What do you call 1 white guy with 50 black guys?
>warden
>>
>>734057116
What do you call a black man on a bicycle?

THIEF!!!!!!!!!!!
>>
>>734057259
A overweight virgin tries to criticize someone more alpha than him so his tiny cock will feel bigger?

So his tiny cock will feel bigger?

Ashamed and sexless he still was!!!
>>
>>734057566
How do you baby sit a bunch of niglets?
>suction cup their lips to the sliding glass door
How to you keep niglets from jumping on the bed?
>put velcro on the ceiling
>>
>>734057656
Project much?
>>
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>>734056343
>I'll have a Coke
A mexican coke! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!!
>>
What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

I can't Marmalade my cock in your ass.
>>
>>734056389
W-where?
>>
What sound did the baby make as it went through the blender?
>i dont know i was too busy masturbating
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
>i dont fuck a sandwich before i eat it
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
>There's, no Ferrari in my garage
Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
>you dont unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitch fork
>>
>>734057956
Right where ya left him
>>
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A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcohol and it's tearing his family apart.
>>
>>734054633
"and disappears*" - brevity is the soul of wit.
>>
>>734057876
>ANYTHING BUT SPIC COKE
Which I'm pretty sure depending on the factory it's bottled in still has cocaine in it.
>>
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>>734052921
This one is still my favorite.
>>
>>734052921
So a pencil and a piece of paper have a race.

Who wins?


The pencil, because the paper is stationary!
>>
>>734056532
That's the joke!
>>
>>734057684
fucking kek
>>
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>>734058011
>>
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>>734058088
>>
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?

Bob
>>
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your doorstep?

Matt
>>
Why is C afraid of every other letter?
Because they're not c's.
>>
whats the difference between a jew and a dollar? i would give a fuck if i threw six million dollars in an oven. anyways here is some shitty scene music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wjFahULCK8
>>
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>>734058889
Sounds like C is an alphabephobe
>>
>>734057119
>talks shit about /b/
>still browses /b/
Wow, your life must suck
It is probably a better joke than the one you told.
>>
>A man a woman have a very active sex life
>they fuck nearly 5 times daily
>the man has to go away for 2 weeks on a business trip
>in order to keep his wife satisfied and faithful, he goes into a sex shop to get her a toy
>he informs the clerk he wants the best thing he's got
>the man says ive got just the thing. It's called the voodoo dick
>he pulls out a simple black box and opens it
>inside is a pretty plain 6 inch dildo
>well that doesnt look to special says the man
>oh watch this says the clerk
>voodoo dick the doorknob he commands
>the dildo flies out of the box and begins screwing away at the keyhole on the doorknob
>voodoo dick back in your box
>the man is astounded and buys the dildo instantly
>>
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jesus, so many virgin fucking beta faggots in here. Can't tell a decent joke at the drop of a hat. Off thr top of my head, joke:

Why were so may niggers killed in the Vietnam War?

Because when the Sergeant shouted, "Get down!!" they all jumped up and started dancing.
>>
>>734052921
What did the Jews say after Pearl Harbor?
Torah! Torah! Torah!
>>
>>734052921
how do you drown a jew.
you drop a dime in the ocean
>>
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>>734059222
>>
>>734059222
waste of trips.
>>
so 3 gooks walk into a B.A.R.
>>
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>>734059222
>decent joke
Your joke isn't even shit enough to be a fucking anti-joke.
Also, great job jumping straight to "niggers", only the best comedians hop straight to shock jokes, right?

I'll give you the chance to judge me, here's my go-to joke whenever asked.

A man is riding in a taxi. He notices his stop is coming up so he gently taps the driver on his shoulder.
The driver screams and jerks the wheel to the side, driving over a curb and straight into a telephone pole.
The two men sit there for a moment collecting themselves and the passenger says "Jesus! Are you alright?!"
The driver responds, "Yea, yea you just scared me, I'm sorry."
The passenger says "I just tapped you on the shouldee, I didn't think you'd freak out like that."
The driver says, "No it's my fault. To be honest, this is my first day driving a taxi, I just left my job of 25 years."
The passenger asks, "What was your old job?"
The driver responds, "I drove a hearse."
>>
why shoudent you whip your niggers with the same whip you use on the horse.

you dont whip horses with chains
>>
>>734059182
>he gets home and explains to his wife, "if you ever get lonly just say voodoo dick, my pussy"
>the wife agrees and sends the man on his way
>around day 3 she is feeling kinda randy and decides to give her new toy a try.
>She lays in bed, opens the box and says voodoo dick my pussy
>the dildo flies out of the box and begins screwing away
>the feeling is wonderful and she quickly has 3 orgasms
>after the 5th she starts to feel tired
>voodoo dick stop
>the dick keeps going
>voodoo dick enough
>still going
>she realizes her huband didnt tell her how to turn it off
>she pulls on a skirt and gets in her car to go to the hospital
>the voodoo dick is too good giving her another orgasm and causing her to swerve
>a cop sees and pulls her over
>when she rolls down her window her face is red and flush with sweat
>ma'am have you been drinking? The cop asks
>no sir, i have this voodoo dick in my pussy and it wont stop screwing!
>the cop looks at her non believingly amd says, "voodoo dick, my ass:
>>
2 rabbis, a minister and 3 sheiks walk into a bar
>>
>>734054261
can i have some vodka?
>>
>>734060040
And the priest ducks
>>
Why did Hitler get hit by the car when he was crossing the street?

Cause he did nazi it coming!!1!
>>
>>734059883
It's clever, but not particularly funny.
>>
Adam is chilling in the garden one day when god comes along. "Say adam where's Eve?" God asks. "Oh she's taking a bath" adam answers.
God goes down and checks the lake and finds no Eve. He returns to Adam and says, "Eve wasnt in the lake." Adam answers, "oh no she decided to bath in the ocean today.
God immediately begins to flip out, "FUCK SHIT NO DAMN ASS CUNT, NO NO NO!!!" Adam is terrified and asks whats wrong. God responds "I gave you the lake for a damn reason. Now im never gonna get that smell out of those fish"
>>
>>734058157
I'm using that one.
Here's a favorite of mine,

A retired veteran moves to a little home in Scotland by himself. He notices he has no neighbors for a mile on either side. One day a month in he gets a knock on his door. He opens it and sees a 6' 6", 250 lb. shaved bear of a Scottish man.
The scot says,
"EVENIN, LAD. I JUS NOTICED YOU MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND I THOUGHT I'D INVITE YA TO A LIL HOUSE WARMING PARTY."
The veteran says "Well sure, I'd enjoy that, haven't seen many neighbors around."
The scot says "WELL LEMME ASK YOU LAD, AVE YA EVER BEEN TO A SCOTTISH PARTY?"
The veteran says no.
The scot says, "WELL TYPICALLY THERE'S A BIT A DRINKIN, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?"
The veteran says, "Well I enjoy my brandy every now and then, that sounds fine."
"THAT'S GREAT, AND THERE MIGHT BE A BIT A DANCIN. IS THAT UP YER ALLEY?"
"Well, I'm pretty light on my feet," says the veteran, "dancing would be good with me."
The scot says "GREAT GREAT, NOW, THERE'LL BE A BIT A FIGHTIN. CAN YA HANDLE YERSELF IN A TUSSLE, LAD?"
The veteran say "Well in the navy I was one of the best boxers there were, so I could handle myself there."
The scot says "OK AN FINALLY, THERE'LL BE A BIT A LOVE MAKIN, IS THAT ALRIGHT WITH YOU?"
The marine replies "Well I've been here by myself for some time, I wouldn't mind a bit of that coming my way. Sure I'll come, what should I wear?"
The scot replies, "OH WEAR WHATEVER YA WANT, IT'LL JUST BE US TWO."
>>
File: 1465148935953.gif (1MB, 400x400px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
1465148935953.gif
1MB, 400x400px
>>734054261
Wait, back up, I recognize this picture...

Isn't there a blonde chick with a fucking huge forehead cropped out on the left?
>>
>>734055492
After the exam, Dr Boombatz says, "Anon, you have high blood pressure and need to lose 50 pounds."

"What are you trying to say, Doc?"

"I'm saying you're fat, anon."

"I want a second opinion, Doc."

"OK, you're ugly, too."
>>
>>734052921
So there were these two disables folks who had a crush on each other. The woman was missing one eye, and being very poor could only afford a wooden false eye. The man who she had her eye set on had an old back injury and as a result was very shy because he had a hunchback. The woman after seeing him day after day finally worked up the nerve to ask him if he would like to go on a date sometime. He responded "would I? would I?" to which she replied " hunchback hunchback hunchback!!!"
>>
The pope is visiting a local church and in preperation the priest orders a delicious fish to cook for him.
The day before the pope arrives a delivery man shows up at the church door. The priest greets him.
The delivery man says "Good morning, sir! I have one Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake here for you."
The priest scolds him, "SIR THIS IS A HOUSE OF THE LORD! WATCH YOUR TONGUE!"
The delivery boy tells the priest, "Sir you misunderstand. Fucking is the species of fish and the Goddamn lake is a small lake in Germany where it's from."
The priest breathes a sigh of relief and calls an alter boy to him.
"Young man, please take this Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake to the chef."
The alter boy says, "S-Sir, are you sure you should be speaking like that in the church?"
The priest replies, "My boy, you misunderstand, Fucking is the species of fish and the Goddamn lake is the name of the lake it's from."
The alter boy accepts and brings it to the chef, "Chef, please cook this Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake."
The chef scolds the boy and the boy corrects him.

Then the big day comes, the pope sits down for the feast they've prepared. He finishes his meal and compliments everyone involved.
The priest says, "I ordered the Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake."
The altar boy says "And I prepared the Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake."
And the chef says, "And I cooked the Fucking fish from the Goddamn lake."
And the pope says, "Well shit, I'm liking this fuckin' place already!"
>>
>>734057973
>dead baby jokes
It's 7th grade all over again.
>>
>>734063109
How's freshman year treating you thus far?
>>
>>734052921
I'm a member of the alt-right. I voted for Trump so he could Make A- merica W- w- white Again.
>>
what did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market?

helllooooo laadieeesss
>>
File: eager_hank.jpg (16KB, 231x281px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
eager_hank.jpg
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>>734055215
In front of you too...
>>
>>734052921
I'm not you fucking circus monkey. Go bother someone who's beta enough to fall for your shit
>>
>>734052921
What do you call and albino dinosaur

A ALDINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>it gets worse every day
>>
>>734053020
Fuck off, NSA
>>
>>734055359
Lol
>>
womens rights
>>
>>734053143
below average fish bait.
>>
>>734053549
i should zet yew on fier
>>
>>734054381
that joke sucked like you did that imaginary micropenis
>>
>>734053985

Okay

Why did the nigger woke up early?

To get a job
>>
Feminism is the biggest joke out there
>>
>>734059086
Q: Why are stormfaggot murders the hardest to solve?
A: All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records
>>
>>734059086
Q: How do you know a stormfaggot invented the toothbrush?
A: If it where anyone else it woulda been called a teethbrush
>>
>>734057162
Q: How do you circumcise a stormfaggot?
A: Kick his sister’s chin.
Thread posts: 191
Thread images: 42



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