sup niggers. let me tell you about some autists I went to school with. this is all true. >be me, 12 >autismo >obsessed with dinosaurs so kids call me "dinosaur" >still hear random scumbags yell "dinosaur" at me in my hood to this day >get bullied a lot at a rough school >parents decide to transfer me to a posh school >this place was basically fucking hogwarts with autism instead of magic >not bullied as badly >fall in with the autist crew >people called us the "lanky retards" because we were all freakishly tall as well as autistic >there were 4 of us: >me, adam, mike and john
>adam was the ringleader >mike was his little bitch (more on this later) >me and john just followed him cos we didn't have any other friends >always wore a three piece suit >carried around a pocket watch with a gold chain and a letter opener >he threatened people with the latter regularly, but the teacher never took it cos it was too blunt to hurt anyone >used to sit in the corner with his hand in his jacket pocket like Napoleon, glaring at the cool kids and plotting his next move >always brought in his own fancy silverware to eat lunch with >his favourite snack was fucking lemon curds, which he brought in every day and ate out of a little glass jar >called everyone except us "peasants", but the way he said it you'd swear he was calling them something far worse >generally fancied himself as some kind of old-fashioned english lord >I always assumed he was rich but I went to his place once and he lived in a shitty little apartment with his mom
>mike was definitely the most autistic one, and that was saying something >deathly afraid of heights >our school was a rather tall building, so he'd throw a shitfit if the teacher tried to make him sit near a window >mike was very attached to his "hairy molly" >this was a rough old leather football, all tattered and hairy >adam used to whip him with it >I could never tell if mike enjoyed this, but he screeched autisticly whenever it happened >he'd go fucking nuts if anyone else touched it >teacher used to confiscate it regularly but he'd always get it back somehow >he and adam had a secret autistic code language with words like "iggis piggis" and oogis moogis" >adam used to sic mike on normies like you'd sic a dog on a burglar >mike would go fucking medieval on them like a velociraptor on meth, screeching as he did so
>>726865944 nice dubs. I shall >then there was john >john was actually a really nice guy, don't have much funny/cringy to say about him >honestly I felt sorry for him, he wasn't a proper autist like the rest of us >he had some steven hawking type disease except he could still walk, albeit poorly >he didn't have a computer to talk through either, but his actual voice literally sounded like microsoft sam >he never used bad language. I have known him for years and I have never once heard him swear >was quite fond of me and mike but merely tolerated adam >his dad was the chief of police and he lived in a really nice house so I reckon adam was jelly of him >had some ancestor at the battle of little bighorn and was obsessed with it >had this crazy elaborate diorama of the battle in his room, which was honestly kinda cool
so now that the stage is set, I will tell you about our final school trip together and the reasons we all stopped being friends (apart from me and john) >go to an "adventure centre" for the end of 6th class (idk what that is in dollars. we were 12 like I said) >basically kinda like a shitty irish version of summer camp >all kinds of fun mud and water-related activities >two main things happened to destroy our friendship >the first was as follows >we're all canoeing >we do this game where you turn the canoe upside down and fight on top of it with the oars like on "american gladiator" >we and the other autists were hilariously uncoordinated so everyone got a kick out of watching us fight (especially john, god bless him) >me and mike are having a fight like this >generally flailing around like the retards we are >all of a sudden he cracks me in the side of the head with oar really hard >I fall into the water and manage to climb back onto the boat >I shout "what the fuck man?" >he starts crying >teacher takes me out and reprimands me for cursing >mike gets off scot free >to make matters worse, he tells everyone that I called him "a fucking asshole" and this was why he hit me so hard >everyone believes him (including teachers) except john >trip ruined >or so I thought. the worst was yet to come
>>726867537 >>726867650 I just want to be alone, but this chick keeps coming back and I just can't stop seeing in my head this chick hurting me. But she won't stop coming back. We've broken up like five times, and each time she keeps dragging herself back.
and now for the grand finale >one day me and john are sitting in a field eating lunch, minding our own business >the dust still hasn't fully settled from the "asshole" thing >people are still treating me like shit because I supposedly called the retarded kid an asshole >there was a dog at this summer camp that everyone liked >a fat old labrador called toby that followed us around everywhere >for some reason he comes over to me and john >we start petting him, he's a good boy >adam comes over with his fucking lemon curds >I figure he's trying to start shit, but since he doesn't have the hairy molly and mike isn't nearby maybe I'm wrong >he says he just wants to pet toby >fair enough >we start making idle chit chat, perhaps some rapprochement is immininet >he asks "hey, you guys ever see the south park episode with 'red rocket' in it?" >nope >"never mind" >he keeps petting toby, getting a little too into it >you can guess where this is going >more people come over to pet the dog, so lots of witnesses >he starts rubbing toby's belly and massaging his temples >toby gets an erection from the temple-rubbing somehow (this makes me thing adam had done this before) >HE JACKED OFF THE FUCKING DOG he got kicked out of our school for that. I have more stories but they involve different autists at the same school
>>726867572 made me fucking kek, i guess you were sort of right >>726867673 nope, like i said its all true including that part. main story is already over but imma type a new one for you boys
>meet kyle >lanky, ginger, scruffiest motherfucker you've ever seen >like shaggy from scooby doo if he smoked meth instead of pot >only ever "talked" to him twice >first time he growled at me like a dog in the hallway >second time he was sitting next to me talking to himself in the library >he was in my music class >one day. kyle is late for class >teacher is annoyed but goes ahead without him >he shows up 20 minutes late, COVERED in blood >teacher asks him wtf happened >"I was taking a shit and I remembered something embarrassing I did so I hit myself in the head, knocked myself out and woke up with a nosebleed" >I break my shit laughing >run out to see if the toilet is covered in blood >it is; looks like a fucking murder scene
more kyle: >kyle's mom was best friends with my sister's bf's mom so they had to be nice to him >they had to invite him over for "playdates" even into his 20's >one one such playdate, they're sitting around watching teen titans >kyle asks "how old do you reckon raven is?" >bf says "idk man it's just a cartoon" >kyle slams his fist on the coffee table and yells "ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION" >"uhhh idk man, maybe like 14?" >kyle says "oh shit" under his breath, goes deathly quiet and starts sweating profusely
>>726869886 >>726869950 >another playdate with kyle >this time it's him, my sister, her bf and her female friend >as I'm sure you've guessed, kyle doesn't get out much >worth mentioning my sister's friend is pretty hot, and she has a bf >she just came back from a long trip so they're catching up in the kitchen >bf is playing dota in another room >kyle comes in >"I wanna talk to the girls" >"no, kyle, leave em alone. why don't you just watch tv or something" >kyle just stands there for ages >"i gotta go get a glass of water" >"don't do it man" >kyle goes into the kitchen anyway >just stands there staring at the girls. breathing heavily >they just ignore him >this goes on for a while >he sprints out and comes back to the bf fucking covered in sweat >"hey man can i borrow your laptop? i wanna go on 4chan" (this 100% happened) >"fuck off i'm playing dota" >"FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME" >fine >kyle goes off and has a wank not really full stories but good old kyle has been scammed by people here on /b/ twice. one got his cc info and another put a trojan on his laptop.
you know how when something is really funny you fucking curl up and start sounding like your going to fucking die from the noises your making because your trying to laugh breathe and cry at the same time?
>enter joe (if you hadn't guessed, everyone gets a fake name itt) >another retard from my sister's class >joe was inbred >his parents were cousins >they had to go get married in another country cos its illegal here lol >he was blind in one eye and his brother was crippled due to the inbreeding >joe fancied my sister and joe's sister fancied me (the latter is another story) >this guy was the edgiest, cringiest fucker ever >one day he comes to my sis and says he got in a fight >"omg are you okay" >"yeah i'm fine, some guy attacked me with a knife. wanna see the scar?" >he unbuttons his shirt and she sees he has literally carved a giant "X" into his own chest >another time he said he was gay cos my sister was going through a lesbian phase (he thought this was how reverse psychology worked)
>be me, regular guy >love hanging out with my bros and their hoes >They are constantly flirting with me >i dont pay them anymind, cause i got a smoking hot gf >one day i ask my bro how old he thinks my gf is >"idk man, like 14" >Start sweating, getting worried >i really hope i dont remember this when im taking a shit
okay so idk how i forgot about this motherfucker. >fucking bill >you thought mike was bad. bill is THE single most autismal person i have EVER met >used to wear a cowboy hat into school every day (note: this was not in texas or even america, which makes this even more retarded) >would wear the same one every day for the year, then get a new one next year >literally never put his arms into the sleeves of his jacket, always had it draped over his shoulders like a cloak >carried around a bongo drum at all times and called himself "the rhythm walker" >spoke with a really deep baritone voice, like tom waits style >he also fancied my sister (perhaps now you understand why she was "lesbian" until she met her bf) >asked her out a million times and she always said no >one time they were on a school trip similar to the one where adam jacked off the dog >bill used to wake up before everyone else to jack off, then sing "swing low, sweet chariot" while hitting his bongo >people joked that he fucked the air hole in the bongo and called him "bongo bill" >this particular trip happened to run through valentines day >he announced his intention to rape my sister on valentines day >i wasn't there, or else i would've kicked his ass (i did after they got back) >joe challenges bill to a "duel" for my sister's "honour" >they take off their shirts and beat the crap out of each other with sticks >both end up with minor cuts and bruises >joe's sister would later bring this up while trying to flirt with me, going on about how "brave" her brother was and greatly exaggerating his war wounds
>There is a fine lady whom i wish to make love to >the fair maiden shall be mine >out of nowhere, that charlatan joe challenged me to the fair maidens hand >alas! My sword cane is in the shop with my cloak >this stick shall do >everyone always begs to see my war wounds that i obtained in the battle with villianous joe
>"tom" >tom was fat and greasy, and generally just a fucking creep >no one liked him >tom's dad was white and his mom was indian >his dad literally looked like ben franklin >if you thought bill was a predator, tom was worse >had the hots for everything with a vagina >used to bring in brownies for all the girls regularly >we all joked that he came in them. no proof of course, but personally i reckon he did >often got in trouble for following girls home >one time we were on a class trip with his class >we were all sitting on top of this bigass hill >tom starts talking to one the girls >she's had enough of his shit and tells him to fuck off >he literally rugby tackles her off the hill starts wailing on her til we pull him off >the way the school system in our country works, he had the option to skip a year and be in our class >he wanted to do this to get closer to the older, hotter girls >we begged the principal not to let him; he didnt thank god >THE TWIST >he got /fit/ and became a chad after high school >>726874860 fuck off nigger youre not me
>>726875250 the three piece suit part was an exagguration, i'll admit that. it was easier than explaining that we wore and old fashioned posh british uniform with a blazer he made every effort to look like a suit. everything else in this thread is 100% true including the watch, letter opener and dog incident.
>Let's call this guy Jimmy >Ginger, glasses, tall, chubby, always wear dress clothes to school >Claims to go days without eating or sleeping >Prob doesn't need to eat because of how much he chews on his pencils during class >Claims to be asexual after his gf dumped him >Tells a mutual female friend that he'd be dating her if he wasn't asexual >Jimmy logged into his YouTube on my phone once, and I then start getting his emails >Most of his emails are from random dating and porn sites >Mfw :^]
>>726875457 no worries pal. remember: qts and autism stories keep the dark thoughts away >"mary" >mary, like tom, was white/indian >autism hogwarts attracted lots of poo in loos cos we learned indian bs. cba explaining this now but i will if someone asks >she was in my class >0 friends >very antisocial >to this day still posts melodramatic suicidal shit on facebook >HATED me for some reason even though i never did anything to her >she had a very weird voice, like a mix of gollum and mickey mouse >her catchphrase was "i forget" cos thats what she said almost any time you asked her a question >she also had a moustache >one time she was in retard maths with john from earlier and another friend of mine who told me this story >teacher asks her for her homework >"ummmm it's *home*work so i did it at home" (she was 18 when this happened) >"did you bring it in?" >"no i left it at home" >john drops his pen and falls out of his chair trying to pick it up. sad but also funny if you remember he has a weird muscle disease that makes his every movement like something out of garrys mod >teacher just facepalms and sighs while my friend laughs his ass off
>>726875021 >Be me, tan, bulked adonis >perpetually sweaty from always working out >people fawn over me for being the son of the (best) founding father >my dad motherfucking invented electricity >my mother has a bad habit of shitting on the sidewalk (but only a certain one. She called it "designated") >women love chefs, as my mother told me between tech support calls >pour my heart and semen into brownies for the girls >sidenote: my dad calls my mom his brownie, before he goes off and rapes a slave
>on a trip with my friends >meet a future restraining order at the top of the hill >woo her with all my charms >Shes all over me >to seal the deal, i shall beat her. My father says a whipped slave is a loyal slave >Some assholes pull me off her when im about to seal the deal >Get depressed, lose all my gains >im thin and have no bulk >I hate myself for what ive become
>>726876252 >it is i, mary >I am the darkness come >the razor of my life is a scar across my neck >this /b/tard is so dreamy, but i have to come across strong so he likes me >my voice is too shill so i begin smoking a pack of camel unfiltered a day >my voice is rough and sultry, like a movie star and cartoon character >everyone always wishes to be me >i need people to know im too important for school, so i tell everyone i forgot >Ive got more important things in life, like trimming my feminine moustache >suddenly bitchtits the tard teacher asks me for my homework >help me, oh wise poo in loo spirits >Ive got it! >slyly say "well, its homework, so i left it at home, slag" >everyone erupts in cheer >fellow student passes out from the sheer awesome >damn,im good
>>726876605 thank you for reminding me >joe's sister, let's call her joette >mostly normal girl apart from being inbred >really into dancing and real good at it; hence she had a fit body >busted face though >one time we were at a party, sitting around a campfire after most people had left >doing "never have i ever" or some shit, dont remember exactly >she basically admits to being a chronic masturbator in front of everyone >fast forward a few years >we're all in amsterdam >i'm high and drunk, enjoying life >she starts coming on to me >i'm not really into her >i'm not wearing a shirt cos its too hot >she starts feeling up my nonexistent muscles >was honestly kinda into it until she brings up the "duel" >suddenly realise she looks like joe >boner killed kinda regret not going for it but ah well >>726876722 sorry man, kinda burned myself out on adam in the first post. just a few snippets >he fancied one girl in particular and started calling her a "harlot" after she rejected him >at the aforementioned adventure centre one of the counsellors was jewish so adam called him a "hebrew" all the time until the teacher made him stop yeah joe is pretty retarded, ill post more joe in a sec >>726876822 similar to fort lucan but shittier. was more like carlingford but again shittier. can't remember where it was. lough something. >>726877083 kek >>726877216 he certainly thought he was >>726877438 ty anon
> be 13 > be in school > have 13 yo 'gf', very awkward around each other, just stand next to each other in our group of friends > one of this group called Josh is the antagonist of this story > curly neck-long hair, hangs around with other autists doing autist shit and is scared of girls > for some autistic reason, he decides that today while the group is standing around, he'll squirt juice over us > juice covers my gf and i realise i need to do something to look alpha in front of her > "josh what the fuck are you doing?" > squirts the remaining half bottle of juice over me and starts running away > fortunately I wasn't a fat ass back then, and one of the fastest sprinters in the school > catch up to him, grab him by the collar and slam him against a wall > autismo-panic mode engaged > tard starts trying to bite my hand where I was holding his collar > pull away, then punch him with a solid right hook > autismo-crying mode engaged > screeches, cries and runs off > round of applause from some of the lads of the group 1 week later > am heading to class after break with 2 friends > a breaktime assistant (dinnerladies we call them over here) comes bounding towards me > "ARE YOU ANON?" > uh yes..? > "YOU PUNCHED MY BABY BOY" > your wha-? > "IF YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN IL MAKE SURE YOUR LIFE'S NOT WORTH LIVING" bitch I aint takin this from a family of autists > go to the headmaster, tell her of the threat I was given > autismom gets fired
>One of those trivia app games came out >I'm watching him play it with other people in my group (assigned seating for class) >He's acting all high and mighty cuz he's beating them >I play against him later when I'm at home, and he's messaging me on FB about it, saying I'm obviously cheating since I'm winning >I start quoting him about how the game is easy, and he goes batshit crazy about how he never said that and how I'm misquoting him >I don't want to deal with his shit since he's always starting arguments, so I try to settle it >Keeps ranting at me and telling me to apologize >I point out his typos and flawed logic to make him angrier
>He always tries to talk all proper and use large words in order to create an air of superiority during stuff like this >He freaks out more, and then wishes me dead because I didn't apologize
Normally he's always trying to crack jokes in class to the teacher, but no one finds them funny. After this happened, he started keeping to himself, which made me kinda happy
(My stories about him are prob more cringe/dick/sad than autism tho, so idk what else to say)
was gonna foreword this with >>726877902 I almost thought I never had tard encounters, but this thread cast my mind back 8 years and I do remember one particular tard.
Also, just yesterday I was sat on the bus on my way into university, and there was an autist sat at the front FEASTING on his nose. Not just a sly lil' pick and flick, actually digging at his nostrils and consuming it like it was his last meal.
>>726878272 you just reminded me of a story completely unrelated to autism hogwarts (your regular scheduled programming will return shortly) >on the bus >tart sits next to me >he has like a chicken drumstick for an arm >best way i can describe it is like the fat part of your thumb/hand but with an index finger on the end, just sticking out of his shoulder >he's grunting, wheezing and slobbering next to me >picking his nose with his chicken drumstick >suddenly he starts violently rocking side to side, slobbering on me and grunting louder >old lady gets on the bus >get up and offer her my seat
finally some more joe: >joe was a weeb and a furry >obsessed with death note, cowboy bebop, one piece and pokemon >his "fursona" was a mix between lucario and luffy >he also thought he was light and generally tried to act like him all the time >no, he didn't carry around a death note, but i wouldn't be surprised if he did and i just didnt know about it >joe's parents are split up and neither of them are particularly wealthy >he constantly guilt trips his mom into buying expensive shit for him by bringing up the fact that he's inbred >made her pay mad $$$ to put him in a college for game design, then dropped out and ended up working at fucking gamestop >also makes her buy all sorts of cosplay stuff for him (no fursuit yet but one day i'm sure she will) >his dad is hilarious though >like an even more pathetic version of milhouse's dad >is a drummer in some shitty band and literally thinks he's fucking neil peart or something >calls himself the "drum stig" >like drum stick + the stig from top gear i guess >i see him post all sorts of conspiracy theory bs on facebook all the time
>be me >middle school so around 14 >end of the year there is always an outdoor event >whole school out on the field >watching some friends play football >notice one of the special ed kids walking towards me >recognise him cause I've caught him staring before >pulls paper from his pocket and hands it to me >unfold to find pic of a girl in a bathing suit cut from a magazine >look back to him >"I'd love to see you wearing this anon" >"yeah it's a nice suit" >hand paper back >not sure how to respond >he's just staring at the pic now >"well I've gotta go" >"ok see you next year" >decide not to clarify this was my last year
>>726880424 >be at home >before cell phones were common >waiting around for call from friend >parents answer phone first >"anon it's some boy asking for you" >figure it's one of my friends although not who I was expecting >"hello?" >"hi anon, it's Alex!" >immediately recognise its special ed bathing suit kid >it's been 2 years >howdidhefindme >says he had my number from school >never really clarifies how >he tries to ask some basic catch up questions >gets two questions in before his real intent >"do you have a boyfriend anon?" >honestly do so tell him >immediately less interested in talking to me >never calls again
>>726881962 i'm diagnosed with aspergers. i can pass as a normie most of the time. i'm in law school now and i'm surprisingly not a virgin. but i'm on /b/ at 5 o clock in the morning so yeah i'm still pretty autistic in my private habits at least
>>726881657 >at mall with friend >walking to food court >semi crowded >spot this guy walking towards us >ohshit.jpeg >it's bathing suit dude all grown up >lanky and he's like 6ft now >turn to friend >"please pretend to be my boyfriend" >he doesn't have long to be confused >"hi anon! How are you? What are you doing here?" >blatantly stares at my chest even tho it's just a t shirt >doesn't give me a chance to introduce friend >he glares at my friend anytime he looks at him >probably already thinks we're together >despite this he asks if I want to go shopping with him >says he doesn't have money but suggests helping me pick out stuff at Victoria secret >tell him that'd be awkward especially since I have my bf with me >this gets him to immediately start going into detail about his "girlfriend" >starts talking about how hot she is in the most obvious attempt to get me jealous >friend grabs my hand and says he'd like to get on with our date >haven't seen or heard from bathing suit since
>6th grade >Camp field trip >Camp is for one school week >Really want to go >Heard all cool stuff about it >Drive is 3 hours away from school >Decide to go >It's springtime >Boys and girls are in different cabins
Onto the fun stuff:
>One night >Need to pee >Go to small bathroom outside cabin >Piss in toilet, there's no urinals >There's shit in the toilet >Decide for some reason to not go to other stall >Flush toilet >It's not working >Oh shit >It's overflowing >Shit >Shit >Shit >MFW >Previous occupant's feces starts overflowing from toilet >Start screaming >Nobody comes >Am frozen in terror as wet shit flows from toilet >Toilet water is gushing >touching my feet, for some reason I'm not wearing shoes >SCREEEEEEEEE
The first incident at the camp, certainly not the most horrific that happened that fateful week
>Russ >Am hanging out at a friend's house, and they see Russ outside with his weird gf >They tell stories about Russ getting whipped by his parents >Feels bad man
>meet the guy a couple months later >Other friend tells me how he used to be kind of normal, but then after watching Death Note he started acting like Light and L >Would always sit like L during class, and make threats about killing people he didn't like >If people didn't listen to his banter, he'd say he was going to kill himself
>I'm hanging out with him and a few others at bowling alley cuz of a mutual friend >I've bowled a lot, so I was doing pretty well >He likes one of the girls we were with, even though he claims to be asexual/aromantic >I just met the girl, but am getting along with her fairly well >He hides in the corner of the bowling alley cuz he's jealous of me, and feels like no one wants to talk to him >Ends up wasting our time since he wouldn't bowl during his turn
>Be 13 in middle school >Female autist with the body of a toad approaches me and group of friends >pretends to be apart of the group >we let her to not be assholes >find pile of dead leaves >start throwing them at each other >Autist gets pissed and kicks me in shin > kick her back cuz equality >nearly starts crying and threatens to tell principle >realizes we're her only "friends" so she doesn't >Continues to be our whiny asshole "friend" until highschool
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