The current love of my life doesn't like me and likes some white fucking loser. I despise the little shit and want to fucking kill that son of a bitch. On Friday I got dripunk off my ass and admitted my feelings toward her. I k ow she might end up dating the white fuck, so I told her that if that fucker hurts her in anyway ill beat his ass. Sadly I don't think she considers my feelings, but I'll still be there for her, even if just a friend
I don't know if anyone of you will care or something, but here it is
>Mom and Dad abandoned me when I was 5 >Experience depression since 13 yo >Deep rage against life and people >Contain my rage outbursts and release them against myself >Hurt myself binging on shit all the time >Find about the internet >/b/ >enterthevoid.gif >"I shouldn't release my rage on people around me, they have no fault" >Grow up being bullied >Men only school >Became a sociopath because fuck >"I shouldn't release my rage on people around me, they will pay closer attention to what I am if I did" >Friends were not really friends, but objects >Teachers were not really teachers, but manipulable jerks with an overgrown ego >I am alone >16 yo >Enroll into english course because I need to meet some fem meat >Meet her >She looks like shit, she didn't comb her hair, she didn't take care of her image, she smells like sweet sweat from karate classes, she is at a similar english level than me >1000boners.avi >Take advantage of class and get into group with her >She is a bitter witch, totally different to every other girl I had met up to that moment >She knows about art, literature, science, gets my nerd remarks, and is a tomboy >10000boners.mkv >Ask her out to cinema >Accepts >Watch Dark Shadows >We are the only 2 people in the whole cinema to laugh at the dark humour of a scene >Start openning up to each other a little bit more >We both have problems, we both hate life, we both look out for a good person to be with >Date for a year >Walk around the whole city >WALK, NO TAKING BUS OR TAXI, ONLY WALK >No more rage, no more depression, didn't even got sick >Fall in love >Tell her >"Anon, I would rather have you as a friend, being something more would hurt our relationship" >Felt rejected >Doesn't matter, I enjoy being around her so much that I will bear it
Before I continue, bear in mind that all of this happens in a third world country
>She wants to go go to uni and study something art-related, but parents already discouraged her through behavior >Father is bad payed lawyer with alcoholism problem, Mother is public school teacher with emotional problems >She is afraid of becoming like her parents by studying something society-related >Encourage her to study what she really wants >Encourage her to finish english course, do the SAT, enroll into a US uni, apply for scholarships, finish french courses, help her find a job >She doesn't believe in herself regardless of everything she had accomplished
>In the meantime, I can't walk without crutches
>See how grandparents star treating me as a burden since I can't walk >Haven't entered the uni bc IDKWTF to study >Can't work, don't have the skills nor the mental state >Depression comes along >Hello_darkness_my_old_friend.mp3 >Social awkwardness through the sky >Can't stand the sight of another human being >Bet they think "What a fucking loser" >Don't blame them >Grandparents talk with biological father to take me to the US because they can't do anything for me >Father is "GREAT SARGEANT 2 TIMES IRAQ VET" with PTSD >BECAUSE SOMEONE WITH SEVERAL MENTAL DISEASES CAN HELP SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY, RIGHT? >Grandfather dies of cancer
>Feel nothing >Only want to be with her >Feel so fucking angry at life >Can't study at uni because no money >Can't work because no exp/no certifications >Can't have any other relationship because everyone hates me >An evergrowing hatred builds up >"I shouldn't release my rage on people around me" >"I shouldn't release my rage on her" >"I shouldn't" >"I..." >Fuck up badly >Try to control her life >Stop encouraging her and start consuming more of her time >Notice she doesn't want to be with me more time than necessary but force her to be around with bullshit suicide threats
>>721409521 >Be 18 yo >Migrate to the US >Live in father's house >Talk with her over skype for several months >One day she eliminates me from every social network >WTF?.exe >"Have a good life, anon, bye" >Look for her everywhere >Phone calls >Email >Send friends to her house >Nothing >Fall into confusion >Depression worsens
>Every day living with my father is a nightmare >Checks out my room looking for drugs or alcohol every once in a while >Doesn't trust in anything I say >"My home, my rules" >I guess he is right >Try to live up to his expectations >Got into com college and studied something I didn't like to satisfy him >Straight A's >Even though I did my part and my job, he still doesn't trust me
>Be at room, studying psychology stuff >A WILD SARGEANT BREAKS INTO THE ROOM >WILD SARGEANT SEES ME AT COMPUTER >WILD SARGEANT THINKS I AM PLAYING VIDYA >Explain father that I was doing homework >WILD SARGEANT THREATENS WITH BREAKING MY PASSPORT AND GREENCARD IF I KEEP LYING >Again tell him I wasn't lying >WILD SARGEANT THROWS ROUNDHOUSE KICK AIMED TO MY CHIN >WTFDUDE.jpg >Jump back and evade him >"Dad. I am not lying to you, you can check my laptop if you want" >DAD: "STOP LYING TO ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM" >Think to myself "Of course i don't know you, you left me when I was 5, fucking ass"
>>721410794 >"Ok, you know what? Think whatever you want" >WILD SARGEANT GOES INTO BERSERKER MODE >RUNBITCHRUN.mov >His wife comes from job and sees me running from him >She calms him
Time passed, more abuse, but...
>Dad works half time as supply sargeant for the US Army >Needs to go somewhere over the weekend >I stay home with his wife >I realize that these days he is not here I can play vidya without consequences >YEAHMAN >Download L4D2 and play with some steam buddies >Didn't know sarge's wife was watching >Didn't know she was going to tell him >Didn't know he would take my pc and put it into the fucking-cold-basement >FFS I HAVE SUFFERED OF MANY LUNG-RELATED DISEASES SINCE I WAS A CHILD >Sarge threatens to break passport up once again >Sarge gets mad because I didn't sleep at 10 PM as it is his routine >Sarge throws temper tantrum at me >"My way or the highway" >The highway it is, fuck you dad
IDGAF if it sounds like I am the "spoiled kid", I was going through some rough patch and I was not going to take shit from an ass who wanted to fulfill his father role when I was 18 yrs old and not before.
About the girl, I called her every day I lived in my father's house and left her voice messages she never replied. I became obsessed and slowly lost myself into some sort of stalking madness. At the time I didn't know why the hell she would leave me alone now when I accompanied her through her personal inferno. I felt guilty and i didn't know why.
"The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see [the world]. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship... Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of God or spiritual-type thing to worship — be it J.C. or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles — is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth."
"Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already — it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on. Look, the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful; it is that they are unconscious. They are default-settings. They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing. And the world will not discourage you from operating on your default-settings, because the world of men and money and power hums along quite nicely on the fuel of fear and contempt and frustration and craving and the worship of self."
"Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom to be lords of our own tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the “rat race” — the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing."
>cat of eight years goes missing >I would call him, hell, I even considered him, my "brother" >We would chase each other through the yard, I'd pop him on his foot and run, then he'd chase after me and do the same >It's been a week since he's gone missing >We notice the bathroom started to smell bad, and not cause it was a bathroom >Couple days go by and the smell is unbearable >Parents keep talking about getting the land owner to send someone out to see what's causing the smell >I know what was causing it >I crawl underneath the house, I was the only one who could probably fit enough to do it since I was like ten >I find his body right under the bathroom >Maggots crawling on and in him >Stench unimaginable this close >I drop my head down into the dust, sobbing >"Come on brother, let's give you a proper bariel." >Drag his unrecognizable corpse out from the way I came. >He had gashes across his stomach with his guts showing >Probably a good for nothing racoon, they're vicious here >Try removing his collar cause I want to keep his tag >His head falls off >Immediately throw up >Give him a good bariel >Put the tag alone in the washing machine
I left his house and went to mom's house. She still is an illegal immigrant after 17 years of living and working in NYC. She lived with her aunts, uncle, and cousins but was in constant fights with them.
In NYC I could not enroll into any com college because of the high cost for someone "out of state" (I think that shit is stupid since every state is part of a bigger country and there shouldn't be any differentiated prices between states) and I had to do the physical jobs every male migrant did in NY.
In my case, demolition.
It was kind of hard since I didn't have the physical condition to lift garbage bags full of demolition scum all day long. But I just grew a pair and went for it.
My lung conditions worsened every day since I didn't have any security measure (I breathed demolition scum all day long) because I worked as an "apprentice" for an illegal guy who didn't have papers. I wasn't paid much, but it was enough to pay for some food and clothes.
Mom busted her ass off working as the cleaning lady all around the city, but she didn't adopt the same attitude as dad, she was sweet and caring even though she was always tired from her job. She liked showing me photos with people she had met over the years.
One day, she showed me a photo of D. (The girl who I was in love with).
And everything went to fuck again.
I looked for her everywhere. I found out that she had entered some new public university and had enrolled into biotechnology. She now had a new boyfriend and new friends, but she looked happy in the photos I found on the net.
I called her again, and again she didn't respond.
"Hi D. It is me, I know you listen to these messages. I found out that you are doing well in I. (Public uni) and it is great to see you so happy, please give me a call or send a message, I need to talk to you"
Fuck me, I knew she wanted me to stay the hell away from her, but it was not easy to restrain myself from contacting her.
I know this might be shit, so I think this will be the last one.
Next day I logged into my computer and saw a post in her tumblr page:
"Please, stop calling me"
It meant that she listened to every voice message I had sent her.
And it meant that she knew about the pain I was feeling.
And she never replied.
I can't describe how shattered I felt at that moment, she had always known that I was in pain, that I fought with my parents and that I was literally homeless and hopeless about life. She knew that I was depressed, and that I had been fighting, day after day, against myself and a society that hated me just because I wasn't born there.
It's not even the feeling of being alone. It's knowing just how alone I am. I never thought it'd come to a point in my life where I don't have a single friend or any sort of relationship. Now I just sit alone in my room all day pretending to be happy whilst shitposting.
>>721408240 i could have got off the wheel at any one of those except ruthless or privilege.
>>721408722 you're an idiot. i'm white, i grew up in a 460 sq. foot sheet metal trailer with 2 parents and a sister in that fucking little shoebox. poor as all fuck, does that sound like privilege? my family was as fucking poor as any black family around us. i decided i wasn't going to live like that the rest of my life. so fuck you and your excuses. i know plenty of people that aren't white, but they have got up off their ass and done something just like i have. what's your fucking excuse?
>born to a single, mentally ill mom >always poor, dont really care >bullied a lot in school and daycare for being poor, dont care >mom is neglectful, have memories of sitting on counter making myself toast when I was 3 >mom starts yelling at me about bills, because it's my fault >mom regularly beats me to the point of broken bones, throughout life >mom starts seeing man >we move in with man, I am 5 >man molests me regularly and from what I gather violently for 5 years >dont remember, have ptsd >tell mom >mom says "sometimes we just have to take one for the team" >because man supported us she did nothing >remember man had daughter and son >daughter had the same name as me >whatisthefuckingchance.avi >hate my name now >mom leaves him cause he shoves her >year later mom gets me falsely diagnosed with a personality disorder >teachers dont believe me when I go to them with abuse stories >i am 12 >things start getting goo for me at school >I have friends >I am 14, life still good >boy starts liking me >we'll call him A >really like A. >we go on date, we kiss >talk about depression, anxiety >someone understands >lifeisgood.jpeg >mom decides she doesnt want to raise me anymore. >sends me to live with father >never met father before >miss A >cry about moving lots >cont, probably gonna post anyways to just get it all out
>>721425323 Not here for tits but your story seems bullshit, especially the part about telling teachers about abuse, if we were abused to the point of having broken bones you should have had a few scars or bruises to show for it. A teacher would have at least done some digging because if they ignored that and it came up again it could be technically seen as neglect, something they could loose their job for.
In otherwords it would be in a teachers best interest to follow something like that up unless the whole abuse thing is bullshit as well. Which it probably is.
Dont bullshit about something like that, you don't even know what its like you cunt.
>>721425323 >start highschool in new city at the end of summer >nobody knows who i am, whatsoever. >wish A was there, he was a year older and I was going to go to his school >dad starts beating me just as bad as mom >now going to shitty school in much larger town >make friends with someone else from another town >let's call him M >we're really similar >"let's date" >fuck it, A dosent talk to me anymore. >Dating M >M wants to make out >oh shit >I'm not ready for that >inb4 pussy bitch >he tries it >I get so scared, have panic attack >flash backs to abuse when I was 5-10 >break up with M the next day >he's immediately dating someone else >k >make friends with a few people >start hanging out with kids who smoke weed >start ditching classes >decide to leave home >friends help because they could see all the bruises >live with friend's family >tell other friend about abuse when I was 5-10 >she tells friend that I said her dad did it >get kicked out from there >move back in with dad >new school >make new friends, they're all cringey emo kids >I am the weird goth girl, probably the best I could do >try to leave home again in the summer, dad broke my ribs >mom says I can live with her >back in original town! >end up in foster care because school took notice of beatings >end up going to different schools than friends and A because of location >cant hang out with anyone unless they get their background checked by CAS >they never approve anyone >k. >A continues ignoring me >make friends at new school >people who bullied me in elementary school go there >I'm hot now so idgaf >make friends >time in foster care ends, so have to go back to living with dad >teary goodbyes with new friends cont.
>>721425883 >start back at school where friends were cringey emo kids >going through a retro clothing thing >like every other hipster in 2014 >dad gets back to beatings >nope outta there >am 16 now so I can just leave without being brought back by police >stay in local youth shelter >i am homeless >life actually gets better from here on >find the punk scene through crust punks i met there >meet likeminded people >start going to local shows >music i like, friends i like >cant afford transportation to school >attendance is shit >school notices >calls dad, dad tells them >"oh okay, we'll keep an eye on her then" >they dont really do anything >homeless shelter pays for therapy because I'm depressed >therapist says personality disorder is bullshit >am actually suffering from ptsd, generalized and social anxiety, clinical depression, ADHD, ODD >all disorders except ADHD are nuture not nature >k >continue going to live music shows >get on student welfare >going to school, having trouble keeping up attendance because of depression >renting rooms in various places >suddenly people start rumors about me >have no idea about, continue on enjoying the scene >have crush on boy, call him J >ask J out on coffee date, he says no >whatever, I'm not a pissbaby >try to remain friends and work on losing feelings for him >no big deal >J tells people I'm stalking him cause I walk by his house all the time >we lived on the same street >that rumor starts up at the same time 3 girls accuse me of trying to steal their boyfriend >k >leave that scene, feel betrayed >being bullied in highschool by puck bunnies (girls who only date hockey players) >they're mad because hockey boys always have a thing for alternative girls >get nominated for prom queen as a joke >go to prom looking good as hell >go with boy from auto class >girls get mad >try to fight me at after party >ignore them, get drunk, go to busher when party was cancelled >happy cont.
>>721426504 >miss day after prom because of hang over >get kicked out because attendance was so bad when i was homeless/depressed >high school drop out living on welfare >depression starts up again >try to find job to save up to go back to school >find part-time job >continue going to shows in music scene >stay away from old punk scene >start dating boy >call him G >I'm now 18, it is january >was HEAD OVER HEELS for G >G happens to be J's best friend >k, dont care >G doesn't care either >G has daughter >k, dont really care. like him too much >G starts getting distant >G rarely wants to see me >go an entire month without talking >k, he probably dumped me >G comes back, calls me crazy for thinking he dumped me because he didn't talk to me for a month >k >G and I talk about having a 3way with another girl >yespls >about to get it on, G's baby mama shows up at door >other girl (call her S) and i hide in closet cause his baby mama is "psycho" >S starts telling me she might get jealous cause she's so in love with G >they've been dating for a while >orly >we leave >we confront G later >he goes to slap m cause I'm yelling at him >I break his nose before he can >steal his vodka >spit in his timbs >start dating S >dont care about her, we break up >start working at mcdonalds >depression gets worse >what's the point of being alive? >attempt >fail >im so useless i cant even kill myself right cont.
>>721405029 >be me >nerdy as fuck, fat as fuck until senior year in highschool >have friend girl all those years >never made a romantic move towards each other >senior year start working out >start getting popular >start being charismatic and funny >graduate highschool >remove friend girl from everything >first year of college she calls >want to hang? >kiss her >fall deeply in love with her >she wants relationship, realize i want that too >love her, dont eat to be able to pay to take her out >cut off all my friends so i have time to go home and see her on weekends >she never seems to want me as much as i want her >she starts insulting me >starts hanging out with other guys without telling me >starts hanging out with her ex >i start eating to cover the pain >get fat again >she leaves me for a different guy >grades drop because im devastated >realize im back to being a fat loser with no future or friends again >Sit in fear that i wont be able to repair myself again.
>>721427058 >depression, hate myself >have no friends >nobody cares about me >become slut to feel loved >start hooking up with random guys on tindr >even more depressed >feel even more worthless >try again, it's august >fail again >k >start seeing boy from work >call him E >E basically lives at my house for a week >says we're exclusive >E literally JUST got out of a long term relationship >helping him work through that, hold him while he cries >says his ex was abusive >dont care that he's still broken up about it, am understanding and wanted to help >get really invested, start falling for him >E starts getting distant >flashbacks to G >tell myself to calm down, just being crazy >at work, work front counter >taking someone's order >E walks in with his ex girlfriend >oh they're probably just hanging out >i am very much not the jealous type >they go order on a kiosk >together >uh >he doesn't come up to me to get employee discount >doesn't acknowledge me >UH >they kiss in front of me >I absolutely break down >manager tells me to go to the back >nice manager >everyone at work knew we were a thing >that we were an exclusive thing >large amount of coworkers saw that >im in the bathroom crying >people take his side >ofc because im the luckiest gal in the world >rumors at work, people call me crazy >E tells people we were never together, he just fucked me once >roommates worked at same mcdonalds >female roommate calls his bullshit, male roommate doesnt care cont.
>>721427460 >attempt again >fail again >why can i not die, bitch wtf >depression depression, anxiety anxiety >ptsd nightmares start >it is August 2016 >I'm working >dad says he's coming by, needs to tell me something >relationship with parents improves after i move out >have forgiven them both because they're both super mentally ill >get excited to see dad, haven't seen him since my 19th birthday in may >telling coworkers "oh you'll know it's him, we're identical" >"only difference is he's tall and had short black hair" >coworkers see him walk in >"Anon, your dad's here" >yo lit, alright >go to front, cause I was making a hot chocolate or some shit >dad talking to manager >I look at manager, manager looks horrified and really sad >it is one of the really nice managers >ask manager if he'll cover for me so I can go talk to dad >manager is usually really talkative >manager waves me away and just nods his head >boi what >go and sit with dad >E and his old/new girlfriend sit at table nearby >k >Dad without pausing, no build up >looks at me and goes >"your mother's dead, get your stuff we're leaving" >laugh >deny it, say he's joking cause he has a dark sense of humor >he's not joking cont.
>>721427767 >start crying uncontrollably >my mom and I were trying to fix things >E and his girlfriend overhear >girlfriend doesn't know who i am and can hear her say "that poor girl, be nice to her at work" >cause she knows E likes to pick on people and has a mean sarcastic sense of humor >E goes "no he's a bitch anyways" >k >run to the back crying uncontrollably >grab things >coworkers staring in shock >i just straight up walk out >nobody stops me, dad drives me home >see male roommate outside apartment building >call him R >"anon what's wrong?" >my mom's dead" >"what like really?" >Dad confirms >R is awkward >"gee im really sorry" >he's had a pretty easy life and so have his friends so he doesn't really know what to say >I understand that >say thank you, go into apartment and cry with female roommate (call her D) >her dad died suddenly too, she understands
>>721427996 >find out mom killed herself >dad was denying it but i knew it was probably true >text him when I know for sure >"I'm so sorry honey" >lose it >go to metal show day after the funeral >everyone there knows >get free admission >lots of hugs from brothers and sisters >good show, try to enjoy myself >used to bottling things up, this is no different just a bigger thing >move in with friend at the time because I couldn't work too often from depression >couldnt afford apartment with R and D >one thing leads to another, we're dating >bad situation from every angle >have a friend group with his band, and a friend I've known for a while (call her S, for snake) >Halloween >S, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's best friend take me to a house show >make me leave early so they can go do cocaine and refill their vape >kind of pissed cause it was only halloween plans >message S, tell her why it bothered me >D messages me screen caps of a post S made >lying about what happened >she said i flipped out, blamed her for ruining my night >people commenting >"was anon really that mad? lol wow" >message S >lose. my. shit. >S and I arent friends anymore cont.
>>721428450 I get on my feet again, move out of boyfriend's >he immediately breaks up with me because im moody all the time >moodiness kind of comes with dating a girl immediately after her mom kills herself but k >we were on good terms >someone i work with tells him i was telling people he broke up with me cause my mom died >kind of true but not word for word what i said >he loses it on me, wont tell me who it was >no longer on good terms >no longer part of friend group >find out S is cheating on her boyfriend >with her boyfriend's best friend >can't say anything, will just look like im talking shit >S and her boyfriend break up >S starts dating boyfriend's best friend >not hearing any apologies from people who took her side >now dating L >in love with L >have no friends >nobody likes me >constant rumors about me >I'm worthless >only thing keeping me going is L >if he left me I'd try to kill myself again and I wouldn't fail >present day >lonely >no job >staying at a friend's house for free >have a month to either get on welfare or find a job >cant find job >mcdonalds wants me back I was so miserable there /b/ I don't wanna go back but I might have to. I don't seem to have any other options.
Thanks for reading tho. That's where my life is rn. I've been using /b/ since I was 12 and this is the first time I've shared my story.
>>721425679 Dont overestimate the will or ability of teachers to do anything. There are good teachers and bad teachers all around. Just like there are good and bad people all around. Its just like teachers are almost normal people.
>>721415283 You deserve to be here more than most citizens, from a white man born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas; you have a hell of a work ethic and aptitude.
Unfortunately, you're going to have a hard time finding opportunity; you're going to somehow have to find a passion in all of this bullshit. You might not always get what you want, you might not always win; but keep going/fighting, as long as you love it. I know it's not my business or place to give an opinion but I'd really like to see you find significance and love within yourself, so you don't need anyone in life to be all you can be.
>>721428730 Dude you are admirable for putting up with all that shit. Yeah youve attempted but there is a reason you're here obviously. Try writing, like a movie or tv series to get your mind focused and you can put all your emotions into it. Much love
>>721429949 I write lyrics for music Nothing good though. Wrote a song about the dude who told everyone I stalked him, best I've written but someone pointed out that is sounds like bad touch - bloodhound gang so i dont like playing it.
>>721428730 Thnx for posting, i dont have any real advice, but i do hope life will treat you better than it has in the past. Just keep on trying, holding your head high, thats what im doing as well. Ill probably share my story in a couple of years, but till then ill keep on lurking this threads just like youve done. Best of luck.
>>721428730 also, forgot to add. continuing to lose friends due to rumors. Rumors usually come from men i wouldnt fuck and girls who are jealous I know they aren't my real friends if they believe what anyone says about me but it still fucking hurts. Like why do so many people hate me so much? What did I do?
>move into new home >stray cat wondering around >start feeding it >feed it everyday >it's to shy to walk up to me >get to a point where I can sit outside with it while it eats >call him goober >this goes on for about 2 months >have to leave town for 2 days >figured Goober would be fine since he's probably been a stray for awhile >come back >Goober is sleeping right up against the door >try to sneak up to him >he doesn't move >blood all around him
>Goober was attacked and came to me for help but I wasn't there
>>721430952 For 2 months he had a friend, and even if he might not have shown you affection, it were his happiest days in a long time, he died with that happiest thought of you showing him love that he had been devoid of for so long, you were his hero and he was grateful for you in his life. There are many people around that would hope to die with those thoughts of a good friend the way your little furry buddy died, and there are few people around that are as priviliged to have someone think of you while stepping in to the light.
>Be me >Stupid kid >Have favorite uncle >Coolest one ever >He has a great job >Starts getting mixed up with the wrong crowd >Cocaine addiction >One night does a little too much >Beats the wife he loves so much >Takes off >High speed chase >Arrested >Prison >Dont see him for years >He starts writing me and my sister while we're in the hospital >Says he found god. Honestly i know its cliche finding jesus in prison but he really did. To this day i hate it when people preach to me cause it always sounds condescending but the way he did it made everything seem ok. >Im about 14 now >He gets out >Turns life around >Builds his life back up from scratch >Gains his 4 sons trust back >Builds his own company from the ground up. >Making tons of money >Trys to win back his ex (my aunt) >Shes moved on >Pays her bills and bankrolls her life >Love too deep to leave her forever >He starts living a little more lavishly >Buys all his sons and ex new cars >Puts the boys in college >Im about 20 now >Gives any one money for anything. >Flaunting a little to hard I mean any. Thing. He once invited my family to the nicest hotel in this town for a party he was throwing. Gave 100 bucks for not valet parking to make up for "having to walk to my car".
>Starts letting people slide on payments >Company starts tanking >Going down quick >Cant pay his employees >He starts panicking >His 4 sons are staying at his house one day. >All asleep >One kinda wakes up from two people arguing outside >Arguing stops >Later on >Uncle gets in his car >Shoots himself in the head Apparently an employee of his showed up and was demanding money that my uncle owed him for working. The man started getting a little emotional cause he couldnt feed his kids without a paycheck and he was an illegal. Being a big family man this struck a chord with him i suppose.
>>721432132 >His son finds him >Lose their shit. >I find out the day it happened >Die a little on the inside >That night im asleep >Have dream >Walking through a poorly lit hallway >Hear piano in the background >Beautiful melody >Soft and low >Start walking down hallway >Getting brighter and a louder >Go through the door >There's a big get together happening >Everyone is calmly talking and having a good time >uncle in the center of the room >Playing the piano >Walk over >Sit on the bench next to him >I cant talk >He continues playing
"You know anon, life doesnt have to be so complicated. Life is what you make it and most things just complicate that. Take care of of what you can and leave the rest up to god. Let him deal with the little things in life, thats what hes there for." "At least thats what i hope" he chuckled. "Even in your darkest time just look around you, i promise you somewhere near you his light is shining, you just gotta look." "Well anon, i gotta get going"
>I still cant speak >Im crying >He gets up >Walks though a door on the other side of the room >Can see a beautiful light glowing behind him as he walks though. >Wake up >Fucking destroyed
Im not a huge believer in god but this is what i think would be my closest to a "religious experience" i think I've ever been.
>Day after funeral >Helping his son clean out his room >Going through his closet >Top shelf >Laying flat so no one could see >Pictures of him and his wife >Wedding pictures >Unsent letters from jail pleading for forgivness >For a second chance >The end of one letter >"Till death do us part" >die a little more on the inside
>>721432855 She was always doing things for attention. I just figured she was trying that again. I said I didn't know if I wanted her in my life because of the years of abuse she put me through and still was. If you read my story you'd probably see that.
>>721432873 I could only hope. Still miss that fucker to this day. His sons are emotionally inept retards that just seemed to roll with it at the funeral, not a tear shed. We were all pallbearers for him. His ex wife(mother of his sons) was an emotional wreck cause she still did love him. That wasnt a secret for years either we all knew she did cause she told everyone several times. For some reason they just didn't find their way back to each other.
>>721433153 How was I a bad child? Becaus I was struggling to forgive her after 14 years of physical, psychological, and emotional abuse? After i was struggling to forgive her for making me live with my child rapist/molester? For making me live with a man I didn't know? For telling me I could live with her again, only for her to dump me off in foster care? I'm a bad child for being wary of letting her back in my life? I'm a bad child because when she threatens to kill herself because I didn't answer her fb call I assume she was being emotionally manipulative like she always was? It's not my fault she killed herself and I wasn't a bad kid for reacting the way I did. >>721433365 Like I said, we were trying to reconnect and patch things up. I was hopeful that maybe I'd actually have a real parent for once. She may have treated me like garbage she was still my mom. She was all I had for the majority of my life. >>721433485 That's so sad man. I'm sorry. At least know he wants you to be happy. I'd carry that with me through life and try not to make mistakes like he did (cocaine, jail). I think that's what he wants for you. A good life.
>>721432855 >>721433153 >>721433365 >calling someone an autist because they're sad their mom killed herself >a proper and valid emotional response do you know what one of the most basic symptoms of autism is
>>721435282 In my experience, while a person won't make everything go away, it might be the piece that makes everything else fit together. Maybe you can do without her but she will make shit easier (or worse) to deal with
>>721435717 Nah its fine. This place is all just 15 year olds who think "im on /b/ better say the meanest shit i can think of" wgen really that shit died out years ago and everyone can see through their bs nowadays
>Be me >I get accepted into a nice summer program abroad; full scholarship >Girlfriend also gets accepted into a different summer program >Mfw she has never been to the states before >Mfw she will still be in the states for her birthday >Mfw I will be back home on her birthday >I am still extremely happy for her >Summer comes and we say our goodbyes >Arrived at summer program after a 14 hour flight >video chatted with her whenever I could (timezones are a bitch) >a month passes >I finally arrive home (summer program was fun but plane ride was a bitch) >she suddenly stops answering my texts/calls >I didn't think much of it >She blocks me on facebook messenger >I become extremely confused / sad >emotional_wreck.jpg >A few days pass >It's finally her birthday >I happened to be listening to some Neat Beats https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZIDZp_t4eQ >Suddenly hear a facebook notification >It's her >look at what she sent me >pic related
I still see her from time to time, but everything still hurts.
> tried to kill myself by overdosing last year > shook the hell out of my parents > father admitted that he started seeing a psychologist again because of my attempt > feels bad because now the thing I want more than to die is for my parents to let me go > I straight up hate myself, in and out. > I listen to my family and friends attempt to tell me I have no reason to feel that way > Don't believe them, they're either wrong, naive or lying. > I basically feel useless and I can't be proven otherwise. > Still want to die but picturing my burial and the grief of my family is too painful to imagine > See every girl I fall in love with get fucked by other dudes knowing that I'll never be good enough for them or for anyone else > Realize that I'll end up with someone as desperate as me because I won't be able to say no > Maybe if I could move my ass and lose weight I would feel better about myself > but myself isn't good enough of a reason to get in motion > Struggling to find a job despite a diploma doesn't help either > Antidepressants only help me feel better about my miserable condition > I only feel less bad for being a human waste > I feel useless and I feel like I'm waiting for something to prove me wrong knowing I can't do it myself
>>721407719 I hate this feeling, loneliness is what eats away at me. I have a long distance relationship and I find myself, a lot of the time, just waiting for my boyfriend to come online. I want to vent to him about my frustrations, tell him about how my day went and ask him about his. I also have a lot of work to do aside from waiting for him but I usually make the choice of waiting rather than doing other things in hopes he'll come online soon. Sometimes, I'm having a really shit day and I'd rather talk first rather than get to work. Sadly, he has things to do as well and an irregular sleeping pattern. What do? I don't have any real friends so I count on him? I don't want to be clingy.
I've got to be honest here, I've seen some interesting feels threads (loved ones dying, people accidentally killing people they loved, etc), but a lot of this stuff is just pathetic high school drama.
Seriously, how many memes are you guys going to post about your girlfriend breaking up with you? Does it make you feel better knowing there are other people just as pathetic as you are who will sit around and tell you it's not your fault she left?
Or how about these cringe-tier cartoons of how bad you're going to miss 4chan and quote Cowboy Bebo while crying? This shit is dumb.
Post up quality feels. Either that or I've just grown beyond this forum.
>>721441239 Really? I come here for help and that's all you care about, that I'm a female? I thought anons on these threads were more tollerant. Also I just said I have a boyfriend, I won't cheat on him and I respect myself enough not to post pics like that on the internet
>>721441467 your only issue is that your boyfriend lives far away. you're not here to get other anons to sympathize with you and for you to sympathize with them. You're here for attention. Also, follow the rules. Unless they inb4 all females must present tits or gtfo.
>>721441467 Follow >>721425323 's example on how to post as a girl. She doesnt want attention. Sh wants to vent. the only reason she brought up being a girl is because it was relevant to her story. You being a girl has nothing to do with your shitty problem and you could have easily pretended to be a man. I have no sympathy for you. Dump your bf, date someone you know in person. Simple solution to a simple problem. Now, tits or GTFO
>>721441679 Yes, that is my issue and for now there's nothing I can do about it. I only see him very rarely, in almost 2 years together we've only met twice. >>721441868 no anon, not once have I mentioned I'm a girl because it wasn't relevant to my story. I'm here to vent also. Look again if you don't believe me >>721438008 No, I won't dump my bf because I love him. There's no-one that could replace him
>be me >be 7 years old >small kid, elementary school >come home >ring the bell >nobody is at home >door_standing_closed.jpg >get confused and sit on the chair located next to the window >drown in thoughts >"why is noone answering the door?" >hear a faint voice crying >it's my mum >hear her and my dad argue about things i still can't remember to this day >the door opens and slowly my mum gets out with tears running down her cheeks >takes my hand and covers her face with her hand, wiping her tears, as if nothing had happened >did_she_really_think_i_wouldn't_notice_her tears.png >she looks at me and smiles as if everything was alright..
>>721442712 Fuck off, you don't know the rule of tits or gtfo she's not here for attention cause she's a girl, she's here for attention cause she had a fucked up background regardless of gender >>721442896 It's annoying
>i will be taking you somewhere today >but before anything lets go to Java's
Java's was a local restaurant, we would often dine as a family there.
>she would treat me to some really sweet pie >we would both eat the dessert and would often notice her look at her phone
a sony ericson phone, I believe.
>everything was sweet and mellow until I realized that something fishy was going on >i would finish the pie and ask her why she was crying >oSHIT.mp3 >she would look at me and not answer >she would just stare at me or at the wall, I never really understood >and suddenly would take her purse from the table and grab my hand pulling me outside of the restaurant >cashier is bat shit crazy, follows us and asks for the money >mum throws her purse in front of her, and continue pulling me as we would jay-walk across the >didshejustseriously.png
>being the little curious kid, i was >i wondered where she would take me >so i would pull her hand down ask her >she said nothing and continued walking >this continued for a while >by the time we had finished the sun was setting down >crimson clouds in the horizon would give that distinct smell >the smell of rain >we found ourselves in front of an old apartment building, we slowly walked upstairs. >we reached a door and my mother hesitantly knocked four times.
>the brown door opened, and a man stood out in front of us. >he welcomed us and we got inside. >for the next hour, nobody said anything. me and that man sat on the couch and played games on his ps2 >he was really kind. >the rain started and thundering noices would roar against windshields, it was now 9 pm. >i fell asleep on the couch. >the man would leave at 8am and before going he would leave bread on the kitchen table along with a bottle of milk >he indeed was a really kind man >this continued happening for a few days, perhaps weeks or even months, i can't remember >just wake up, eat, sleep, play on that ps2, sleep over and over again >during those days I learned that he was a soldier, right next to his ps2, rifle ammunition could be seen. >he seemed pretty cool and kind in the eyes of a 7 year old kid. >this continued. I never got to go to school for that time. >all of this happened until one certain day and a certain knock on the wooden door. it was my dad. >all of them were here this time, my mum, the guy, and my father. >they started yelling, and being the little pussy I was i would go and lock myself in that guy's bedroom, where my mum would sleep. >my mother would open the door and get inside as well. >we were both crying >sudden gun shots rang >my father busted the locked door and asked us to leave that house. >as i walked out of the house, i saw the guy sitting on the couch. on the wall a penetrated hole could be seen. >we all went outside. >except him.
>>721446211 Sporadic fights between our parents would rise up here and there, but they would always love each other. I became 8 years old. and my mother brought to this world two wonderful human beings, my brother and my sister.
Years passed, and we all grew older. I became an adult, and finished highschool.
I'm now 19. I am in the second year of the college I got accepted in. By a strange twist of fate, the guy mention above is my professor. I saw him again. And I'm writing this story right next to him, in his office. He introduced to me this website, and told me a lot of things about you people. He emphasized on threads such as this, and suggested I post this, a part of my life shared only by a few people. - To you, who are reading this, no matter how bad you feel and no matter what problems you face, please remember this story, as it's sincere to us. A bond between a really kind man and a kid who never really understood the reason behind all of the pain. If you feel that pain like we did, don't give up. Just live.
No it isn't. Interest, taxes, land transfers, broker and agent fees, utilities and various other bills are usually covered by the owner not the tenant. It's better in the long run to buy but to suggest it's less than half leads me to believe you're underrage and b&
>>721414247 >I called her again, and again she didn't respond. >"Hi D. It is me, I know you listen to these messages. I found out that you are doing well in I. (Public uni) and it is great to see you so happy, please give me a call or send a message, I need to talk to you"
>>721405029 How do you stop the voices in your head? I made them to get on with life when I had no friends. But now because of them I can't tell reality from my imagination, and even my close family are distancing themselves from me?
>Working with 6/10 qt while living with girlfriend that I fell out of love with....long before >She's intelligent....much moreso than current. Lets call her C >Starts talking to me on Facebook >Like...a lot...we have 6+ hour conversations constantly....mostly till 4am because I'm working second shift with her while gf is first shift >I haven't been able to talk to someone like this in fucking forever >But one problem...she has a habit >Never asks me for a dime to feed it...but it hurts when she does it...say it doesn't bother me, even though it does >She's been through hell in life, mother pregnant at 17, dad doesn't give a shit, mom is garbage, C gets her GED and moves out at 16 >Goes through...a lot >Me and GF break up, and I get my own place >C comes over when she can (has son)...all I want >She still shoots up when she's here....and I can't stop her >I just want to undo the pain in her fucking head, undo all the bad shit that's happened to her, >I can't >Eventually give up....and hurt her even worse by abandoning her because I'm so fucking frustrated all the time >I'm such a piece of human garbage
I still think about her every fucking day. But I know in my gut she's fallen even harder because she doesn't want to break her habit, the other people she had in her life didn't want her to. She'll never come out of it. And I wasn't strong enough to keep trying.
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