I don't actively think of committing suicide anymore and haven't for years but I'm frequently reminded of my suicide attempt - I jumped in front of a bus seven years ago, so I often think of that when I see buses or trains (as I had originally planned to jump in front of a train but bottled it).
Glad that my attempt failed, my life is going pretty fucking well now. Also feel a lot of guilt towards the driver and passengers who witnessed it.
>>720908651 daily, but I have the conviction of not attempting. Some times is just for fun like: "If I do it this way, no one is going to find out, or they can't stop me" or if it's painful or expensive.
>>720908651 I think about what would happen if I committed suicide at that point pretty often, but I don't actually want to or are depressed enough to ever want to do it, but that's really with any way of dying.
>>720909358 No, I'm fairly satisfied now. I'm doing fine financially and am training towards a career in quantity surveying, which I'm very good at and enjoy. I no longer take drugs to excess, I smoke pot once a week and get drunk maybe two or three times a year. Have been in a relationship for the last three years.
Seven years ago I was taking a pointless university course I hated, had some really appallingly poor friends who wouldn't have pissed on me if I was on fire and took a fucking shit tonne of drugs, leaving the house only to get food or more weed. I was fucked in the head. Luckily I was so tired when I jumped in front of the bus that I didn't even realise how slow it was going (15 - 20mph) and came away pretty unscathed - I had fully intended to die however and remember on hitting the ground thinking "oh shit I'm not dead". Spent a short amount of time in psychiatric hospital afterwards and fully recovered after around a year.
>>720909448 When you hit the bottom of the abyss, you start asking the more important questions and realize that the only way you can go is back up.
Tbh my life isn't all that bad, but my self-value is completely shit.
My most important question was "when was the last time you were even moderately happy?", the answer being over 10 years ago and I also knew why. So now I've got some new goals to work towards to. I can't recover the past or go back, but I can move to a better future because of those experiences. I now know what I should want and where I should go. That in and of itself helps a HUGE fucking lot.
Often. But i'm realizing it's more like... an automatic thought. I feel pain often, i feel lost most of the time, but for now i'm rational enough to think that if i don't fear death i should not fear life.
>>720909937 Being a lot more selective in the company I keep. I formed what was described as 'paranoid delusions' regarding a number of my friends who I genuinely believed were setting me up for a serious crime. Whilst I don't deny that I was definitely psychotic and that these thoughts could accurately be described as delusions, there was some foundation in my paranoia insofar as these people were being fucking awful about me behind my back and occasionally to my face. I've kept all of these shits out of my life ever since and definitely do not regret that. I'm no longer as open about myself, even to the few close friends that I have; that certainly helps in avoiding paranoia, as I've not fed anyone the ammunition to use against me.
I no longer try to amuse or impress people to win favour, this may sound cliched but I genuinely feel that if you like me that's fine and if you don't I really couldn't give a fuck either.
I was very lucky to get a fairly good job in local government job after dropping out of university. That allowed me to move out to my own flat for the first time (previously I'd only ever flat shared) and having that independence was very good for my mental health. I now live with my girlfriend but I still have a lot of time to myself. Even if we split up I would never flat share again, I'm the sort of person who is happier in their own company than with other people.
Having career goals is probably the most helpful. You always need to have something to aim for in the future.
>>720909963 Last time I was happy was when I was teaching math in high school, so that's definitely something I want to get back into.
I had the kids sitting on the edges of their seats when teaching stuff that wasn't in the books. For example, the connection between sines and cosines and pythagoras. They get that taught as separate things but really they're intimately connected. They were all fascinated, even kids that didn't really follow it.
>>720910622 Glad I wasn't in your maths class to ruin it anon, even with the good teachers it was all in one ear and out the other for me.
Oddly as an adult I'm quite good at maths, I think I just developed a lot more self-discipline when it comes to paying attention and perhaps more stubborn at approaching things I don't immediately understand.
>>720911137 What's that saying again? Never let your schooling get in the way of your education?
I've been teaching myself electronic engineering and I'm becoming good enough at it that I can tinker my own things now.
>>720911132 It was an internship as part of my minor while getting my degree in industrial mathematics since there were so many parallels in courses. I got companies interested in hiring me before I even graduated so I had to quit the second degree in education, which required teaching during the day to get that. Had I done it the other way around I could've gotten my industrial mathematics degree in night school.
I don't have a career to show for my actual degree since it's not enough anymore. I need additional education to become specialized even further. Sucks ass.
>>720911059 The job I've had for the last five years is in customer services for local government, it's not a particularly great job but the pay is reasonable enough with decent public sector benefits and it's a good team and working atmosphere. I think working in a good environment like this helped me a lot in getting back on my feet. I was encouraged to progress within this job however I decided to go back to university to study quantity surveying as I'd developed an interest in construction through dealing with maintenance related enquiries. I still work weekends on a permanent part-time contract and that brings in pretty good money, I'm able to live very well for a student.
I was lucky to get the job - 12 people were successful out of around 400 applicants - however I spent a lot of time making sure the application was of a high standard and had given a lot of thought to the questions I believed would arise at interview.
I kinda feel happier when I think about everyone who might miss me and what they'll say about me after i'm gone.
Realistically though, I SHOULD be happy because I have so much to be happy for. A beautiful wife, a good start to a self employed career, no financially stressed, nice home, etc. But for some reason its just not enough. Im lacking something in my life and it kills me that I don't know what it is.
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