>be me >been feeling really lonely and depressedfor the past few years >start socializing more >meet up with girl i really like >get a much needed hug >feelssofuckinggoodman.jpeg >i wake up >realize it was all a dream >start feeling worse >realize how deprived i am of human contact >realize I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life due to my inability to deal with other people, and need for isolation.
I feel like this is going to come off wrong. It might seem pathetic, or trite, or something else entirely. Maybe one of you anons will care to read it and commiserate.
I'm a 28 year old anon. Been coming to /b/ for 10 years now, if you can believe that, but I really only come for feels threads on rare occasions. Anyway, my life has gone completely downhill. I'm a college grad, but I'm not doing anything special. I have lost most things that had any meaning for me, for reasons that I don't really care to go into, and for reasons you don't really care to hear. Basically, I lost my job, lost my car, and lost my sense of direction through no fault of my own. All of this shit happened a few months ago. The anxiety and depression I've dealt with most of my life has only gotten worse. I started cutting again, only my legs so no one will see. I've contemplated suicide practically every day. I want to quit everything.
Since all that happened, my ex has come back into my life. We dated for about 5 months, and it was getting semi-serious. At one point we discussed moving in together. I really cared about her, and I still do. It was over when she broke up with me, saying that she needed time to work on herself, but that she thought I was the "perfect boyfriend", and she felt bad about leaving. When everything happened, she popped up again. She's been extremely helpful to me, like paying me for small jobs around her place, getting me a bike (and equipment) so I can get around, helping me look for work, encouraging me to find help with my anxiety, etc. I am so appreciative that I have someone kind enough in my life to help me with those things right now.
She has me completely confounded. I don't know if she is doing these things for me because she is pitying me, if she wants to get back together, or if she's simply being a friend. I really want to get back with her. She is someone I can really see myself with. I ever wanted to break up with her originally, and I did everything I could to make it work. I don't know why it couldn't work again.
It has my friends and my therapist worried. None of them want me to get hurt, yet in my current state I am so vulnerable. I am desperate for affection. I don't want sex. Sex hasn't been as much of an interest for me since I was assaulted. I can't divorce the idea of sex from the way that I was used. I don't enjoy it with others, and I barely enjoy it when I'm alone. I need real emotions. I need tenderness. I need someone to hold me. I need to feel like someone gives a damn about me. That's one of the things that she was really good at. She made me feel cared for. I know she is capable of that. She knows about my mental health and is understanding.
If she's really only trying to be a friend, I don't want to ruin that. If she wants something more, I want that to happen if I can. My friends don't want me to get hurt, but is it really her fault if she's only trying to be a friend? Is it her fault that I am misreading her intentions? I don't know. I don't want to lose her. I really need her support, because I don't have many people that are nearby that are willing and able to do things for me.
My therapist wants me to have a talk with her, to flesh things out. I don't want to do that. I know how that will go. I can't handle the anxiety of bringing up the topic, and then the possibility of being let down. I can't handle another hit to my heart. My head tells me that if she wanted to be with me, she would make her intentions known. My heart says that she is going that right now exactly.
I want to die. Life is mostly pain with sporadic, fleeting moments of mild joy.
>>720093460 The fact remains that you chose to live back then, so right now, the question you have to ask yourself is why do you live now? What's your purpose in life? Do you live for her? Is there something you want to do?
>>720093460 OP here btw. I haven't. Im still young though. I can imagine it must feel kind of like dying. slowly. everyday. right now i'm just trying to deal with the fact that i'm so manically depressed that i'm almost insane, and the fact that it may never actually get better.
I sincerely hope that everything works out for you, dude.
Yeah OP i feel that i dont talk to anyone at all at this point though i get annoyed when im around people too long when im at work or around friends. I enjoy the silence of being alone all i do all day is smoke weed and stay in my room unless i have work. I really wish i had some girl to talk to though someone really cool though i have a hard time bonding with girls mainly because im so awkward around people.
>be me >28 year old man with wife and two kids >was an otr trucker for several years >decide to leave the life even though it barely began >best career move I ever made and best lifestyle I've ever had >leave for my family >so I can spend more time around my kids and wife >move across country to work in a factory I used to deliver to >nice shipping and receiving folk >nice people in general >good work atmosphere >leave my wife and kids behind so I can forge new home for us without worrying about pulling kids from school early or wife leaving her job too soon >making sure it is the right kind of place for us >rent a small one bedroom apartment >living mainly off money I saved driving and using new job to start saving for a new place >paying bills for my family back home and my little apartment here >only make what I did in a week of driving in one month of factory work >unexpected bills keep happening >it's been 6 months about now >went home for about a week around Christmas >daughter asks me when I'm coming home, says she misses me >too young to realize I'm not just off driving >asks me where my truck is and why I'm in my pickup >doesn't understand the decisions, thinks I'm joking, couldn't ever imagine her daddy not driving "big trucks" >finish out the week and head back for work >feeling very alone in the world right now >miss my kids, my wife, and my Peterbilt >slowly coming to the realization that I am going to bring them out here as soon as my tax return comes back >realizing the only thing that ever really made me happy was my truck and my kids >wife is a good mother, excellent lover, loyal to the death >contemplating leaving her for the road >miss my truck more than my wife >realizing I have been in a one sided marriage for 7 years >I love those kids >I love the road
Do I sacrifice the one thing that's ever made me happy for my family? Or do I hit the road and let the wife move on and share the kids?
I am going to therapy to try and figure that shit out. My therapist is really awesome, and has been helpful with things so far. I don't have answers to any of that right now. I am working towards figuring it out.
I want to be with my ex though. Not the one that broke my heart, but the one that I am still seeing, albeit in a platonic sense. She's a really great person. She has the kind of character and morals that I admire in a person. She is intelligent. She is emotionally available. She is nurturing. She is someone that I get excited to see. I never wanted to leave her, and I don't understand why she left. I want her back. I want to show her that I can be worth having around. I want to deal with my borderline personality for her. I want to get better for her.
I know I should want to do it for myself, but I don't. It's about her. It's always about other people. I don't give a single fuck about myself.
Life is rough, but eventually it gets easier OP, Ive been alone now for almost 5 years with such little human contact its amazing, learn to love yourself and your life as faulted as it may be, then eventually someone will come to love you equally.
>>720095004 I have tried, the problem is i just cant deal with being around other people they get on my nerves so fucking easily, and whenever i've been out in public for more than 20 minutes i feel the need to isolate myself for days. It's a vicious cycle, it kind of feels like, the only thing i want, is the only thing i cant have.
>Got my first girlfriend two weeks ago. >one week has passed without hearing from her >I gave up on trying to talk to her >I believe i did nothing wrong >Went to her house once to check up on her >Cunt acts like she is not home >Now i'm alone without a proper breakup >Feeling pretty bad at this point >Goes out one night with some friends >Went to a movie >Walks into theater >There she is with another guy >Turns out that is her ex >She mentioned him the day i asked her out >Couldn't bring myself to start problems inside a theater so i just walked out an went home Not sure how to feel at this point.
>>720092578 Loneliness is incredibly painful, and codependence is real. Sounds like your therapist knows what's up - it might be worth taking their advice on this one. It's an uphill battle, but with time, you'll get there, anon.
2 years ago I got with a girl and she told me she was on birth control. She knew from the very beginning "I DON'T WANT KIDS" and we ended up not clicking after a month or two. So I broke up with her. Then she messages me "I'm late" and I'm like wtf. This is bullshit. So I get together with her and then she tells me the dates and they arnt adding up so I end it cuz she slept with a guy a week before we did. And so I waited it out she swore it was mine. And she had all these plans. She threatens to ruin my life take all my money if I don't do what she wants and take care of it this way. So I ignore her after a while she finally is tired and wants to know for sure. So I get genetic testing. The baby is mine and everything back when she first started the case is "back pay" and the fucking lawyers took there damn time to stack another 2 months on what I owe. So now I'm 1000 something in back pay a day and when I have a job they are gonna take 150 a paycheck til it's paid off. She still hasn't offered for me to see the baby. Hasn't offered to meet me and let me see her. I had to ask and she brought her sister cuz she was scared.... so now I want to sign off my rights cuz with thay child support over my head I am 21 at my moms with no car and forced into a job i dont want but have to cuz they are threating to suspend my license. I got the letter today they suspended my license. >tfw that bitch has ruined my life >barely scraping by >suicide looks so promising but there's so much to do and see >with this leech on me how can i?
>>720096878 Well it depends on the sort of life you want to live.
If it were me, I'd make a serious effort to seemy child. If you genuinely can't though then just forget about her. You'll need to move overseas though for a fresh start. Is that something you'd consider?
How do you deal with codependency though? The only thing you can do is feed it. I know I have it. I know I am powerless to fight it.
Most days all I really want is someone to cuddle with me. To fall asleep with me. To simply be with me. There's no replacement for that. There's no alternative. I've tried to use sex as a currency for it, and gotten myself hurt in the process. One night stands aren't into intimacy. I don't know what to do.
>>720094817 >>720096878 Feels threads disgust me. All you people comolaining about how a girl left you while eating fine food with a roof over your head and a future ahead of you. You are literally being whiny bitches.
These two anons are the only ones in the entire thread that actually have a problem. And guess what, nobody relates. Surprise.
If you can affect the problem, then its not a fucking problem - its a challenge, a task.
A real problem is something fucked up you cant do anything about.
And for the record, growing a pair of balls and meeting a girl is not a problem you inbred entitled egocentric fucktards.
>>720097287 It is. But I just feel like I got a hand on my throat im trying to keep my nose out of the water and that fucking child support is what's slowly bobbing me down chokeing the life out of me. I stay up ungodly hours and wonder why I should wake. I didn't ask for this and I didn't want this. Yet everyone around me tells me "you laid down with her. Take responsibility " no one ever bothers to understand had she told me "nope not ono birth control" I would have dumped her ass. No sex nothing.
>>720094817 Serious advice anon, you've made a mistake by intentionally living apart like this. I understand you made the move with good intentions but it's the wrong choice. Definitely bring them out to you asap. That will put things in perspective and you'll feel better.
>>720097670 And nobody would officially believe you because you are a male in the relationship.
It sucks, anon, I'm sorry. We can't trust women with stuff like this. Pills or STDs, whatever they say they have/dont have, i dont trust them. Im putting that condom on and she can be on 50 pills for all i care.
Is there anything at all though that you could do with a lawyer?
2 years ago pic related and I started talking but I wasn't attracted to her because she's easily 230lbs. She would text first, flirt, and we'd easily stay up all night texting. I dropped her and now I'm still a kissless virgin... I could've at least gained some experience but fuck me
>>720097548 Honestly, continue with therapy. Normally, I'd recommend to be honest with someone you trust, but codependence fucks up that specific type of judgement and encourages you to connect with toxic people.
>>720097936 As soon as people realize that a girl leaving them is not a real problem, then they are fine.
I've been there, I felt that, but after everything else that happened I'm just not sure if I have a future at all at this point, and everything I had with women is just not important anymore. I broke up with a girl I've been with for a year and I don't even care because all I worry about is the other shit that fucked my life up.
Why can't you people just be happy that you have an opportunity to do something?
You have something I long for and you are not only ignoring it, but treating it as if it were completely unimportant cause you've had it all along.
Please understand that you people are being egocentric and lost in your fucking world so badly that you can't see the good you have ahead in your life.
Accepting nihilism as the true representation of reality shattered every iota of my will to live. I'm neither happy nor sad. I just exist. Laying in bed all night with my eyes wide open, slowly drying as I wither moreso every second. As dawn cracks, I just subsist until night falls again.
I haven't slept in 3 days and the audiovisual hallucinations are killing me. I just want to sleep.
>Why can't you people just be happy that you have an opportunity to do something?
Because that's not the way mental illness works. No matter what you think, some people can't will themselves to do things. They can't get out of their head. They can't appreciate the things that you think they should appreciate.
>>720098597 Oooh yay I have a roof over my head, and some food in my fridge. How blessed am I? I don't feel bad for starving people, or the homeless, or the jobless. Most brought it on themselves while hurting those around them. And no girl ever caused me trouble. I don't like girls. I don't like guys either. I like nothing. I hate life and want to die. I'm sorry I don't feel sorry because you can't feed your kids or whatever.
>>720098922 I know this will sound stupid and maybe unrelated, but I couldn't sing.
All I wanted to do was sing, and I was so ashamed of my voice I just couldn't let anyone hear me sing. I could hardly hear myself sing.
I would literally imagine my voice in my head because I didn't dare to hear me sing.
Anon, I don't think I'm special in any way. But I'm singing now. Now as much as I want, but every other day I'm singing. And I am so happy about it.
If I can go through with it, there must be a chance for everyone else. I seem angry at them but I just want to help. For what it's worth, I only started singing cause I forced myself in a position where I had to sing (I signed up for something, and its better to be terrible than to be a stupid idiot who signed up to sign and didnt sing)
Please snap out of it. I know you can because I did, and I'm no different.
There are so many other things happening and I can't be happy with my singing anymore, or anything else, but these are things I can't affect (bills and medical issue). My well-paying job just doesnt cover everything.
If you have any chance then just take it. No matter how hard you want to run in the opposite direction.
>>720093944 >>720093944 well anon i was like you an emotional wreck, filled with anxiety and regret,but after a while something clicked inside me. Now i simply feel nothing. I am nor alive or dead it seems. Of course i can bleed if you´ll stab me and can pretend when it comes to public "events" but there is nothing. No happiness. No sadness. Only this empty void of the human husk i am and honestly it seems better then dying because i realized i am a coward of facing the everlasting darkness that will consume os all in the end. But i love you anon and i truly mean that. trust me
I can't sleep. I laid back and tried to just relax and drift off. I could feel my limbs get heavy and the hypnagogic sounds and images started, but after a moment of that nothing. I just laid there. I hate that.
Again, that's not how mental illness works. No one fucking cares about your personal experiences, because they aren't applicable to other people. You wouldn't expect a paralyzed person to be able to walk. You wouldn't expect a blind person to be able to appreciate fine art. You wouldn't expect a deaf person to appreciate music. Why do you expect people with mental illness to be able to change themselves?
Well last Thursday was the day i had to put down my dog bear. I had him for 15 years, and the last of my first three pets i ever had. I still try calling for him sometimes expecting him to walk up with his big goofy smile, but he never does.
>>720091793 I have no idea where my life is going anymore. Everytime i take the opportunity to seize control of my life something happens. I haven't had a stable long tearm life in 13 years im 28 now. I really felt like everything was building up to something, when we were together. The summer of 2014 was the best summer/time period of my life. It just felt like I was winning everyday. Now im just jaded and sad anymore. Its been awhile since weve seen eachother and i doubt we ever will again. Even though i pretty much saw you everyday of my life, witch is difficult to adjust to. Ive done everything I could to pick back up and be happy again. Buts its not working everything just feels chaotic. Other girls, enjoying my past times, having an active life. But at the end of the day i still miss going to sleep in our bed and waking up next to you. Ive had my fair share of being beaten into the ground by life. And always spring back because part of me enjoyed the fight. But I dont even care anymore. Guess after your broken so many times you just stop trying because you know shit is just gonna hit the fan once you are comfortable.
>>720091793 Well if you suck at social stuff start playing competitive video games. Don't even have to be good. Just hang out with the people there and watch the big matches. It's like football without all the stigmas that come with a big sport.
>be me >be tranny fag >Not yet on hormones >Been waiting nearly two years for an appointment through the NHS >Been browsing trap threads nearly every day wishing i looked like some of them >i don't even want to be a qt i just don't want to look like shit >mfw i have no money for hormones >mfw i can feel my chances of passing slipping away with each passing minute >mfw i realize at this rate i'll just end up looking like Caitlin Jenner.
>>720100028 Well first off if you feel I'm wasting my time then just stop fucking replying, this isn't about you. If at least one person takes 1/10th of an action after this, then I am glad I spent the time. You can go on using a mental illness as an excuse to justify that state of mind all you want (which sucks considering what is being mentioned in the thread is not a mental illness, and downgrading a mental illness to something like this is basically on the same level of intelligence as calling a handshake "rape")
Secondly, I might have phrased myself wrong. I dont want to put emphasis on the fact "if I did it so can anyone" - obviously there are a lot of singers that sing and it didn't help me - but I want to put an emphasis to the fact that there is a way out.
Just that. If there is a physical way out, there is a mental way out.
Some people find a way out even when they are physically ruined, and how they do it is beyond me. But a way out exists.
I wrote an 18 page story about how I hated my dad. He was distant and I read it to him. He was the dad who was never there and he never did any of the things I liked.
He was never there when I needed him. I hit many low points in my life.
But he was there. He was santa. We always had gifts under the table. We went on summer vacation. He was the dad who was always there, but I never saw it.
We almost lost our house. We were almost homeless.
I've become like my dad over the years. I followed his career path. I gained his sense of humour. I gained his ability do deal with others.
He is still married but my marriage did not last. Mine fell apart, and I worked away for many years.
If not for him my son would be in a different country with a different last name.
I remember the last time we ever shingled the roof together. My mom took a picture. I knew when I saw that picture he was getting old. I can look at a picture and see the future.
One day I took a job out of town. I worked out of town for months at a time. I came back when I could. Ever weekend my son stayed over at their house, just as we lived together when I was getting back on my feet.
I failed to show enough gratitude to my parents and one day dad wrung me out for it. We had a big fight, because now I was turning into an absent father.
My dad was abandoned at an early age. His mother fell into destitution, pills, and alcoholism. When he was six he awake one night to the police shining a flash light at him. At six, he was told to pack his bags. And he spent his adolescence going from home to home.
The day my dad wrung me out I remember seeing him in his office after our argument. He was hunched over his desk and he looked sad.
I felt sad inside and I wanted to cry. Because in that moment I saw my own son in him. And he saw his father in me.
My old man was a grown up version of my son, sad that he had abandoned by his father at a young age.
I live my life normally, but there always is that sad feeling that i am, and always will be alone, my father wasn't present, he's basically crazy, my mother had severe depression and put suicidal thoughts on my head(tried to kill herself too) since i can remember, said that the world wasn't worth living and that i would suffer a lot, when things in my house were going to shit my grandmother, that was the only mentally capable person to take care of me turned her back for me when i cried for her to stay.
>>720093944 Wow. Complete opposite here, anon. I don't feel shit and I have to make an effort to do it. I got drunk as fuck the other day because I only feel easily when I'm intoxicated. I'm okay with it, but I think I should feel real love for my family or my girl, at least. I really like them.
Sorry for the shitty english btw, but I feel like nothing is real and I don't really care if a bunch of people I don't know understand what I'm trying to say.
>Me >have barely any friends let alone any friends into the same music I am >huge fan of a band for the past ten years (I'm 19) >never seen them live because every time they play close by its a 21 plus show or I don't have a way there (I can't drive because of vision related issues) Flash back to about a month before my 18th birthday >girlfriend tells me she'll take me to their Chicago show for my 18th birthday >find myself so hyped at the prospect that I not only buy tickets but a $150 VIP package (so excited that I was willing to buy the tickets myself) >night before the show she starts saying shes feeling sick, I was a little disappointed but I got over it quick and she promised we'd make the next close by show 4 months from then >before anyone says anything, my girlfriend is basically never ever sick >she pays for the tickets this time and everything seems fine >night before the next show it happens again >what the fuck.jpg >at no point in the last three months did she even once be sick >happens twice more exactly the same way >band announced that come May they're taking an indefinite hiatus >closest show is in Chicago, about two and a half hours away, and I bring it up to her and she promises this time we'll go >we plan a whole trip this week organized around Chicago and going to this show, we get an airbnb and everything (I stupidly payed for the tickets and VIP like the first time somehow thinking this would be any different >same shit happens again in the exact same way and we were supposed to leave today and the show is in two days I hate myself
Don't cut her out of your life. Keep her around as a friend because it sounds like you need it, but at the same time you need to slightly distance yourself as impossible as it sounds. That is, until you know her true intentions.
Idk how doable that is, but you really need to watch out for the codependence trap.
Please support this website by donating Bitcoins to 16mKtbZiwW52BLkibtCr8jUg2KVUMTxVQ5 If a post contains copyrighted or illegal content, please click on that post's [Report] button and fill out a post removal request
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties. Images uploaded are the responsibility of the Poster. Comments are owned by the Poster.
This is a 4chan archive - all of the content originated from that site. This means that 4Archive shows an archive of their content. If you need information for a Poster - contact them.