Schizophrenic OP here again. I'm having a depressive episode right now, give me some shit to look at. Not greentexts or anything, this isn't a feels thread. Give me fucked up/Schizophrenic art as usual.
>>719739201 Inability to grasp or perceive reality, on rare occasion I have hallucinations. Most of the time it's something that's akin to a hallucination, but it isn't something I "hear" so to speak. It's like a thought, you don't hear a thought, but you understand it. There are a few parallel thought process in my head, sometimes they "think" to me, and they have rather monotonous personalities and motives, most of which are negative. I get extremely emotional at times, I'm very paranoid in general and I have a strange gnawing feeling in my chest that accompanies a particular "inhabitant" (or whatever the fuck you would call it) as well as debilitating depressive and anxiety episodes. Also on occasion I have episodes where completely ridiculous things become solid fact to me, and I can't help it. Intellectually speaking, I know I'm a regular jack off, but there have been a couple of times where I couldn't shake the feeling I was a god, or the like, for example. It isn't something I actually believe, and I think if anyone did they'd be fucking retarded, but the raw feeling is there at times. Shall I go on, or have you lost interest? This isn't a "look at me I'm a snowflake" thread, it's a "give me something if you'd like and I'll give something as well" though the art isn't required for questions.
>>719739249 Memes are sacred, that being said I've killed plenty of pets, and generally it's a slow process that I draw out for as long as I can.
>>719739352 Like what I posted, Schizophrenics make art sometimes, and I find a kind of peace looking at it, if that makes sense. Also generally fucked up/Hell-oriented art for some reason calms me down. (Pic related, from a past thread I made.)
>>719739583 I've seen that, one of my favorites. I can't describe to you the feeling I get when I look at it. It's actually kind of uneasy how well I can connect to him through those paintings. I know EXACTLY what he was feeling when he painted that. I wish I was a good enough artist to express it as well, but I'm not. So I just sketch shitty drawings and attempt to make strange music. Never really works out, so I leave the art to the artists.
I'll be throwing out art here and there to give you guys examples, as I'm not good at explaining things too well. Don't be afraid to share something if it doesn't look like this, though. Any fucked up art could be enjoyable.
>>719739933 No, not yet. I know how that sounds, but I didn't just dick around on WebMD for thirty minutes and conclude I had something. It's my mother, I told her about all of my symptoms after hiding them for years, and she just went kind of pale and told me she had the same thing. I did a lot of research and found Schizophrenia matched perfectly. I'm going to see a professional as soon as I get this job that I'm about to start. The solipsism is pretty annoying when it hinders or outright prevents you from doing a lot of things in life.
>>719740306 Global Rule 7. Submitting false or misclassified reports, or otherwise abusing the reporting system may result in a ban. Replying to a thread stating that you've reported or "saged" it, or another post, is also not allowed.
>>719739978 Absolutely not. This is something that does cause me a lot of distress, but I'm not taking pills. They destroy your body and turn you into a zombie, I've seen it firsthand.
>>719740056 Ever since I was little I've been very detached from reality, I've never had a real, solid awareness that even myself existed, and I always had night terrors really badly when I was young. It wasn't until I was about fifteen that the symptoms began to mature, and I developed these "things" in my head that were like pieces of a personality. They've been growing ever since, and the worst part is - it started with one, and now there are at least three. It would be manageable to deal with, if not for the fact that it seems to be taking away who the "normal" me is, if that makes any sense. It's almost as if for ever "unit" that these things grow, it's taken from me. So I'm heading downhill and it sucks pretty bad.
When I was like five, I was at my father's house (my parents are divorced) and I was playing in the backyard at night (I could basically do whatever I wanted over there) and all of the sudden, I was overcome with an almost paralyzing amount of fear. I looked up, and in the dark I saw four blackish brown figures in the woods. These weren't people hiding in the dark, the figures were in a small amount of moonlight, and they were literally figures of just solid blackish brown, with no features. They stared at me, and started to walk and crawl in weird contorted stances towards me. I ran inside, and didn't play outside in the dark ever again. More examples?
>>719740820 Well when I was around fifteen, the first real episode happened, and I wasn't sure what it was until years later. I was on vacation with my family, and we had rented a little condo thing on the fifth floor or something next to the beach. I was holding my almost infant sister on the balcony, and as I stared all the way down, I heard something in my head telling me to drop her. I shuddered and felt kind of dizzy and not right, but I figured it wasn't a big deal, or that it was anything particularly uncommon, as everyone knows you think of that shit when you're up high. But it wasn't until the "voice" got louder and more aggressive that I had to go inside and sit down, as strange as it sounded, the thing was actually pushing me closer to the point of dropping her. I love that girl more than anything, so it surprised me how much of an effect whatever this thing was had on me. That was the first one, and he's still in there to this day, he's also the strongest out of them, if that makes any sense.
The personalities are a bit arbitrary, and kind of strange. The first one is sadistic, we're talking extremes here. Sometimes I lay awake at night, unable to shut it off, as he basically broadcasts his fantasies to me to fuck with me, about completely butchering people that I know, but it's always me that's doing it. Strangely, he's smart, he's intimidating even though he doesn't actually exist, and he's probably the most evil thing I've ever come into contact with. I'll explain the other two, but only if you promise not to just kek at me and nothing else, because it's pretty cringey, but regardless it's just who I am. I'm ashamed of it immensely, but it doesn't change anything, in a way it makes it worse.
>>719741303 It's strange, but happy or upbeat music doesn't relax me. Unsettling, strange and disturbing music does. But it's a sweet track though, totally saving for later. Also amazing picture, thanks anon.
>>719739035 I would like to hear as much as i could, as i had a sadistic voice too and pretty much fascinated about these states of mind, but only if you are willing to share. You said your mother told you that she had the same thing? How is she now?
>>719741797 Always willing to share. Beauty of it being an anonymous board. Ask away.
My mother is still doing alright, it hasn't made either of us unable to function, and surprisingly mine has developed into something a lot worse than hers. Her condition actually made her more self-centered than anything, but that could also just be the female thing. She says that God has helped her to get rid of it, and that she ignores it as best as she can. I'm not so lucky, and as strange as it sounds, I'd feel lost without them. Every time I look at anyone, I just see a face, it doesn't click with me that it's a person, or that they even exist, so I'm incredibly lonely, even with the gf. So the things in my head are basically the only company I have, and as much as they pain me, I guess it's a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Tearing that out of me would make me half of who I am, and it would fuck with me. Another reason I don't want pills.
>>719741852 How about I thank you right now because holy shit where has this been all of my life.
Closest thing I've ever had to that (my favorite band) is Ween and Rammstein.
This is my favorite song, it perfectly encapsulates what it sounds like to be in my head. Also strange enough I'm convinced it's what Hell sounds like, I always imagine Hell to be musical. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE3ffjM5ZuQ
>>719741276 To continue this, though I never got an answer, I'll talk about the other two.
The first personality looks like me, or at least chooses to show me what he would look like if he did exist, and it looks like me, with black hair and pale skin. The third one looks like me as well, but I'll get to him later.
The second one I have is strange and unique, it's a manifestation of something I obsessed (and still do) over about a year or two ago. It's a tall (like seven or eight feet) amazonian (in figue, her skin is pale) looking woman, usually dressing in provocative but intimidating clothing. She basically represents and feeds off of my desires, indulgence, sexual deviance and sin. She refers to herself as "Mommy" most of the time but in her "earlier days" she usually went by "Mistress." The reason for the change, is because at the time, I was obsessed with having a Mistress, whereas now it's evolved into a mommy obsession, to which she's adopted. She's evil, and she tortures me by being everything I've ever wanted in a woman, but only in my head. Her existence is to remind me that she doesn't actually exist, if that makes any sense. She seizes my thoughts and pulls them into fantasies about her, and while it's very arousing, it's frustrating and over time it has caused me a lot of emotional pain, realizing I'll never have her. The third one is a sort of result of the second, and my (brief, before it kind of went to shit) time doing the mommy thing with my girl. The third one is basically a twisted, ultra-emotional and clingy version of myself, that's a little boy. He's never happy unless I'm being held by my girl while she's "mommy." Though sadly that doesn't happen anymore... Now he's depressed and angry all the time, and it makes me depressed and angry.
>>719742419 You really should. A lot of their songs are comical and not like that, but oh lawdy they have some good ones. They're all weird sounding.
>>719742612 Good questions. The voice of the first one is a lot like my own voice, but it's scratchy, sounds corrupted in a way, and it's always seeping with hatred. It's very venomous. "Mommy" is a voice I can't do justice in words. It's like silk, the most seductive and dominant thing I've ever heard, she almost never speaks to me (to tease me, because she knows I like her voice) and when she does I basically melt. She coos and moans and uses all of these words that she knows get to me, calling me baby boy, etc. The third one is just a young-sounding me, normally pouting or angry or crying and on rare occasions when he was happy he was excited and childlike.
They usually come at night, something about the light stimulus drives them away and makes them quieter. The more deprived of stimulus I am, the easier it is to see/hear them.
>>719742657 I'm sorry i was that anon asking with the sadistic voice that i had. I forget that we are all brother anon's here... All this is amazing.. You're doing such a great job describing! What and when was your 'worst' episode by far?
I think south park and 9gag may have popularized trolling to summerfags and internewbs but all their attempts are furry/trap threads, pickles and bananas. Every now and then quality is actually perceivable on 4chan.
>>719743075 Oh no problem, I didn't mean that in a bitchy way. Thank you, I'm glad I'm not just babbling incoherently.
Okay, story time then.
My worst episode came about a year ago. I was cleaning out a house my stepfather was working on alone while he was at work. I had the whole day to myself, and it was about three PM so I sat down on the stairs to take a break. As I was sitting there, I felt dim, something came over me and I was in control, but at the same time I wasn't. I just felt more distant than usual, and like something wasn't right. My little sister's cat comes walking up to me, asking to get pet basically, and I just stared at it, a blank expression on my face, for about three minutes straight. I didn't think about it, I didn't hear anything, because I'm pretty sure Osmond (he calls himself Osmond, and while I don't really like to use it, it's going to make these posts easier.) was basically in control, so I was taking a backseat to my own body functions while he went about what he wanted to do. "I" took the cat in my arms, walked out the back door, and grabbed a sort of axe-shaped aluminum rod (my stepdad works with machines sometimes) and put the cat down. I just stared at it, petting it lovelessly for a minute, before I blinked. I blinked, and the cat was dead, the vibrations of the rod hitting its skull still going through my arm as I stared at it. My eyes kind of went wide and I couldn't stop laughing, the worst part is, it's probably the best I've ever felt in my whole life. I felt like I actually existed, I SAW things, I SAW the trees, and the grass, I SAW myself, and for about ten minutes, I felt like I wasn't just a shell, I was alive. I had so much adrenaline and God knows what else surging through me, it felt like the greatest high I've ever had. After ten minutes, it all went away, and I was in control again, so I hid the body. I still feel guilty, but I've killed a few more animals since then.
>>719743860 I haven't read The Red Book, I would love to get my hands on it. Here's from the wiki page: "The years… when I pursued the inner images, were the most important time of my life. Everything else is to be derived from this. It began at that time, and the later details hardly matter anymore. My entire life consisted in elaborating what had burst forth from the unconscious and flooded me like an enigmatic stream and threatened to break me. That was the stuff and material for more than only one life. Everything later was merely the outer classification, scientific elaboration, and the integration into life. But the numinous beginning, which contained everything, was then."
OP here, I'll take final questions, and then I'm going to try to sleep, if the fucking nightmares will let me. Going on my fourth day of no sleep right now, normally what happens. Wont sleep for three or four days, then I'll sleep for like five hours, and do it all over again. It sucks, and my mental status has suffered as a result.
Okay, actual diagnosed schizophrenic here. OP is a massive faggot. "self diagnosed"? Get the fuck out of here you goddamn attention whore. The biggest clue as to how much of a fucking tumblrina you really are is the fact you've somehow conflated schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder, a condition some psychiatrists call bullshit on principle. You've named your moods and personified them, and posted a bunch of self-important dribble. If you were actually schizophrenic, this thread would sound like this:
On a related note, I've decided to stop taking my meds. Fuck big Pharma. I'm now sweating out withdrawal from Resperidone, and the flu symptoms are killing me. Also, I shat myself.
>>719739035 Hey OP, I want your thoughts on, what happened to me last night.
I'm at home from school after a week. Everything was fine and stuff, we watched a movie, and my parents went to bed.
Later I went to the shed and smoked half a joint. Then I went back in to get some shut-eye.
Then I could hear this radio-frequency sound. Like, dudududuuut-dudududuuut over and over.
As soon as I heard it, anxiety flared up in me like a wildfire. And a thought entered my mind. "Kill your family", but the thought only came once. I was still anxious, and the 'radio sound' had changed to a monotome "duuuuuuuu" sound.
I then forced myself to sleep, thinking it was an attempt at mind control. Sounds ridicolous. I've been thinking about it all day.
>>719745674 You can believe or not believe whatever you want. I couldn't give a rat's ass if you "believe" me or not. I've already explained every sketchy part of my story, sorry it wasn't up to your immense standards, but I really don't give a shit. It isn't multiple personalities because I'm aware of them, and they don't just take full-fledged control, I have a degree of control. They're just frayed parts of my own personality, and Schizophrenia is the failure to perceive one's own existence, or existence in general, and often is accompanied by hallucinations or delusions. Go fuck yourself.
>>719745955 You have an active imagination, so naturally you must be mentally ill. Except you are receiving no treatment, no medication, have experienced no stays in hospital or psychiatric units and the only medical advice you have to go on came from your mentally ill mother.
Stop and take a serious look at your life before you accuse others of "autism", you disability-shaming attention-whore
>>719745823 That's strange. Not really something I'd expect, it isn't that clear for me. It isn't just "Kill this" it's a thought, a train of thought being twisted to "instruct" me. I'm not sure what that is /b/ro, and I wish you the best of luck with it. I don't think it's mind control, I think it might be just the right about of weed with the right amount of sleepiness making you a bit on the edge. Just watch for it again, if it never happens, don't worry about it.
>>719745899 I have to be in person, and if I see text, it has to be detailed enough for me to understand it clearly. But it's something in their eyes, I can see it in my mother, and I've seen it in a couple of other people, too. It's deadness, just a distant, detached look of "I'm not really here" while also usually accompanied by some degree of a frantic sort of expression. They always look off, like they could break at any moment, like they arent there, and wouldn't have a problem with killing anyone if given the opportunity. I don't know how to help them, because I don't even know what could help me. It's different for everyone. For me, the only thing that would make them go away is being cuddled by my "mommy" and that isnt happening anymore.
>>719741419 What music do you like to listen to? What do you think about stuff like Rings Of Saturn, Infant Annihilator and Spawn Of Possession? I think you might like this stuff that's not exactly pleasant to listen to and quite chaotic if you are not used to it
The following was written by someone DIAGNOSED as a schizophrenic instead of an attention whore. Note the disturbed patterns of thought and language compared to OP.
>I am going to do everything the demons do not want me to do. I will start by eating. Eating itself is a sin, as the Programmer designed everything in the world for my torment and continued entrapment and for the entertainment of his demon Audience. But I have no choice and can bear it no longer. I recently came into the knowledge of my own divinity--a realization, because the knowledge was always there, only obscured by my mind--that I have only incarnated here countless times to briefly escape my punishment in hell. When I think of how many lives I have spent in hell, how many bodies I have burned up, it makes me sick. There are oceans in hell, made of my own blood. There are mountains made of my own bones. Bravery means nothing. All of everyone, a past version of myself--yet somehow I was allotted this knowledge only during this life. The demons think that once I know my destiny, I cannot plead ignorance when it comes to my next judgement. They have kept their hand over my mouth, for how long I cannot say.
>>719746140 All of which I have. I understand what the disorder is, fuckwit. I've read about it for hours and hours, over fucking months of nothing but finding out if it was really what I thought it was. At no point did I say I was a doctor, or anything like it. I know you're just so edgy and unique that any time someone claims to have a mental disorder, it makes you feel less special, so you have to try and shoot them down, but I don't give a shit. You're just embarrassing yourself and making me laugh my ass off.
>>719746270 I received no medical advice from my mother, just that she had the same symptoms. See the above statement, you're the one that can't handle someone else talking about something personal to them without interjecting your ignorant assumptions. Get a life faggot, I can't even comprehend my own existence and yet I wouldn't waste my time being such a little bitch like you.
Alright, I'm gonna head off soon guys, gotta try to get some sleep. Good thing the faggots only showed up at the end kek.
>>719746597 >Oppressing me, making me hide everything so that I will appear normal and they can continue to torment me. They thought that by trapping me in a mortal mind too small and weak to handle this knowledge, and then giving it to me, that it will overwhelm me and make me lose my senses. So I will speak out against them. By plainly explaining myself like this, people will realize that the problem is with them, not with me. The words of the High Priestess are as follows--"I will speak. In speaking, I will hear you. In speaking, I will become myself. I have decided--you have my word." All words of the High Priestess are truth and prophecy, if one can examine them long enough to find the truth. A big responsibility I don't want to live up to. The demons cannot hold my oversoul down. I will free all of my selves if I can, with the power of love and compassion. A big assumption that kindness towards evil ones is not itself evil, but a risk I'm willing to take. Perhaps, as demons have replaced many people I know, if I am kind to them it will frighten them away, if only I could get over my fear first. So I plan on taking my medicine before the knowledge of the divine consumes me. The medicine should disconnect me from the troubling insight into my destiny. It should also distance the demons from me until they cannot send me messages, or at least I will be unaware of their manipulation. The little pills are the color of brimstone, which is a bad omen, but I will not let that trouble me as I have done the appropriate rituals (except for bathing in a running stream, which is probably only a trick suggested by the demons to give me hypothermia) so that demonic influence will stay out of the bottle. Then, at least, I can enjoy a small fraction of this life, my vacation from hell, before I am forced to return there.
>>719746638 Why are you ascribing motives to me that clearly have nothing to do with what I'm doing? Is it because I call bullshit on what is clearly bullshit? I wouldn't wish schizophrenia on ANYONE you pretentious little faggot, it doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you unique, the medications kill you 20 YEARS younger than your peers, cause heart attacks, kidney disease, type 2 diabetes, glaucoma.
If you're laughing your ass off, why are you so butthurt? Is it because the truth hurts? Fuck off back to Tumblr, pretend to have something truly pretentious like synesthesia next time, maybe I'll believe you then.
Oh well, if your mother had the same symptoms, it MUST be schizophrenia. IF YOU'D SPENT FIVE MINUTES WITH A DOCTOR YOU'D KNOW EVERY CASE OF SCHIZOPHRENIA IS UNIQUE, YOU PATHETIC, TIME-WASTING, OXYGEN-THIEVING ATTENTION WHORE. Fucking kill yourself.
>>719746349 I've never heard of them, but I'll be sure to check them out. Favorite band is Rammstein, I like Ween, Kraftwerk, Lamb of God. Good metal bands, not shitty edgy ones, classical music, and stuff from other genres here and there.
>>719746140 I love how you keep using that word like it applies to me kek
>>719746597 Tl:dr - I'm a fucktard that thinks something as erratic as mental disorders must fit a single textbook example. Anyway, I'm gonna head off to bed. Probably gonna fuck my girlfriend later, too. Because I'm not an angry little neckbearded faggot like you, with nothing better to do than to get on a genuine thread and start bullshit. Next time, you should probably do better at it, though lol. Have a good one, hope those tendies are extra chicken-y.
>>719746957 >abloobloo crawling in my crawl >this crawl it will not crawl >crawling is how I crawl >crawling what is crawl >craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwl
fucking die. Go to WebMD and self-diagnose some more you pathetic little shitstain. Your girlfriend will most likely leave you the moment she finds out your tendencies towards hurting animals, you fucking degenerate.
There is some great research going on at the moment that schizophrenics have a distorted sense of time. That is, like others, we hear our thoughts in a narrative in our brains the same time it before (perceived) as we say things. In schizophrenia they hear or perceive the narrative after, therefore it may sound like someone talking or a thought in their head. This perception of time can be "shifted" by cognitive training using sound and time delays. I will find an example on you tube...,
>>719748913 don't bother. OP is too much of a special, special snowflake to bother with actual medical assistance [spoiler]because he'd be told to leave the hospital, they need the beds for people with real illnesses
>>719749440 Does it hurt OP, meeting someone who actually knows what they're talking about? Are you capable of shame, given how shamefully you're acting? Pretending to have a MAJOR mental illness so that anonymous people on the internet can give you sympathy? You fucking sicken me. I hope you get cancer, that'll get you all the sympathy in the world.
I cannot say your name, or they will trace this message back to you.
They are watching you right now OP. While you slept, they installed a device in your plumbing. If you've had absolutely any contact with water in the last 48 hours, stop what you're doing and follow these directions:
1) Do not take fulll breaths 2) We can ionize the fluidic device implanted in you, but you must exhale completely every 2 minutes. 3) Avoid moonlight
Every other hour during daytime, firmly grasp your right wrist with your left hand. This will confuse the tracking.
When speaking to anyone in person, make sure you blink only with one eye at a time. In case it's an agent disguised as the person you think you're talking to, your new blinking pattern will keep you safe.
Lastly, do not let your heart rate jump above 80BPP. If it happens, you'll go comatose.
I've said too much. They know where I am. Good luck OP
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