I'm just trying to keep this thread alive, mang. gimme a brak
Forgot to mention that all of that is coming from a blonde haired rich boy who is obsessed with traps to the point where he constantly blows off said hot girl in order to look at traps.
He even has magazines with traps in them.
Freddy must be a frequent user of /b/
OP says green text ylyl so people fucking greentexted ylyl you dense faggot
>buy a half gallon of Darigold old fashioned chocolate milk last august
>that shit's fucking delicious
>get home, it's hot af like 97 degrees outside
>decide to have a glass of milk while I play vidya
>drink the glass, decide to have more
>eventually end up just chugging the entire half gallon
>so fucking good
>but it's hot out
>and that milk was thick
>get off my computer, go to lie down
>hear my stomach rumbling
>no big deal
>suddenly I feel something moving
>what happens next is hard to describe
>it felt like my intestines had turned into a lava vent, and the molten Diarrhea was making it's way to the peak of my ass
>I instantly rushed for the toilet, all the way groaning in the immense cramping and burning pain
>I sat on the toilet
>didn't even have to push, it just started falling out
>it burned too
>it was watery, yet thick and lumpy
>after a few minutes of just emptying out i figured I was done
>stand up, immediate pain
>literally layed on the floor groaning for a good 5-10 minutes before getting back up on the toilet
>decide enough is enough
>push with all my force
>liquid molten shit is jettisoned out of my ass at light speed
>hear plopping in the toilet water
>eventually I empty out
>hesitate to even attempt to wipe my ass
>stand up, flush toilet
>it won't flush
>have to plunge it
>throw the plunger away in the outside garbage
>never drink milk again
>make my backstory the biggest fuckup in the history of the world
>backstory states that because I fuck up SO badly everything appears fine, and I always win battles unscathed due to my gigantic fuckups
>start out on a basic quest, eventually come up to a large door with a huge puzzle lock
>I go to solve it
>DM stops my roll
>"I have special plans for you"
>"yes. For you, the biggest fuckup in the world, the Die is reversed" (I.E if I roll 20, it's bad, if I roll 1, it's good)
>accept the terms
>roll the dice
>roll a 3
>"You approach the large, complicated puzzle lock and attempt to open it. As you reach towards the first lever you accidentally trip, catching yourself on two of the levers. Stumbling under your feet, your bang your head on a secret button, opening the door"
>we get in the door to discover a boss
>all of our characters are super low level and not equipped to fight, the DM is trying to punish us for our stupid character backstories
>ask to roll for a miracle
>DM allows it
>roll a 20
>"You attempt to approach, awaking the beast. The monster instantly crushes one of your allies, almost completely killing him before he can even react"
>"I want to roll again"
>party agrees to let me
>"you shit yourself in fear. drawing the beast's attention. The monster begins to approach you, but slips on your friend's blood and impales itself on a stalactite, killing it instantly"
>"do I have to buy new pants from town?"
>be walking around with best friend at night under the full moon
>decide it would be a great idea to walk through the woods to the army reserves near our neighborhood
>we are still in the woods when we get to the fence line
>walk the length of the fence amongst the pine trees so as not to be seen by the floodlights in the parking lot.
>we then notice about three soldiers having a smoke outside one of the humvees
>a wide, shit-eating grin spreads on friend's face
>asshole gets to his feet and shouts "FUCK THE INFIDELS! PRAISE ALLAH!"
>turns out that the soldiers are armed with handguns
>they draw their weapons and start shouting shit
>fuckwad grabs me and we both run
>by the time we get out of the woods, the barracks are on full alert
>we hear troops shouting commands and vehicles starting up
>we continue running in the moonlight to dickhead's house
>I end up spending the night there
>mfw we praised Allah in the face of non-believers
A lot more.
>Later on our quest we are all leveled up
>still have what my friends call "the negative roll curse"
>eventually come to confront a large undead army of skeletons
>"the army is at least 10,000 strong, filled with the legions of the undead"
>Paladin Trorst (my friend Ian) speaks out
>"I'll unsheath my sword and burn them all with god's holy light
>DM is being pissy again about how an infernal descendant can be a Paladin
>"they cannot be burned so easily, they are protected by the dead god Enimortis"
>Greg, our Rogue, rolls to sneak past and assassinate the dead god
>"you can't assassinate a god, but I'll let you roll"
>he rolls a 10
>"you sneak past the front line, but the honor guard catches wind of you and goes to attack"
>"roll for invisibility"
>rolls a 20 on the 100 die
>"it fails, and you are caught"
>"I'll roll for a miracle"
>fucking DM looks like he's about to smash my head into the table
Every time I "roll for a miracle" it's basically an instant win, but I only get one in every quest
>"alright, but this is your last miracle. Of the game. Ever"
>roll the dice
>DM grinds his teeth to dust
>all the while i'm wondering what he's going to make happen
>"okay, so this is what happened: the skeletons start to advance on your group. They string Vorne (Greg's rogue) to a boulder and prepare to launch him out of their catapult"
>"right before they launch the catapult, you go to draw your sword. Your hands are slippery from all the rain and the sword flies out of your hand as you draw it. It flies right towards the ropes binding Greg, freeing him from his bonds. It flies through the horde of skeletons right into their commander's head, killing him instantly and severing their connection with the dead god"
>Ian rolls to burn the horde with his holy sword
>"your holy flames do not kill the horde, but severely weakens them"
>all skeletons now have 50 HP
>"I'll roll for another miracle"
>I later died
Little bit less climactic story:
>Party is traveling through the wooded area outside of town
>still fairly low level, this is after I bought myself some new pants and also new equipment
>"you encounter a man who appears to be in a great deal of pain"
>Trorst approaches him
>"his flesh burns as you approach, your holy sword seers his unholy skin"
>"what's wrong with him?"
>"I'll find out"
>I approach the man
>"I'd like to use intellect to inspect him further"
>roll an 80 on the 100 die
>"upon closer inspection you find he has a large bite wound and multiple claw marks all over his body"
>"can we just kill him?"
>trorst won't allow it, against his code of killing innocents
>"suddenly the man erupts into a rage, his skin tears open revealing his transformation!"
>Suddenly greg screams "HE'S TRANSFORMING INTO A WOMEN! IT'S BRUCE JENNER!"
>whole party starts to laugh
>DM is annoyed
>"no, he is not. He's still transforming, what do you do?"
>"Can I bribe it to go away?"
>"bribe it with what?"
>"you throw gold medals at the creature and it runs away in fear before you can even fucking fight it. You get no experience"
Completely rational. Fuck hornets man, shit can easily kill you even if you aren't allergic.
He should have gone to the hospital and kick the shit out of that guy again for being so retarded
What the fuck man. How do people let themselves get like that?
read several times. do not regret, give it a try.
>saw a spirit in the middle of the night
>feel sick for days
>go to doctor, im pregnant
>this can't be, it was the spirit
>next day no pregnant no more
>theres a girl by my side
>who are you? i ask
>im your wife silly
>she kisses me
>and your daughter