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sup /b/. I'm pretty drunk and was hoping for some entertainment

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 166
Thread images: 7

sup /b/. I'm pretty drunk and was hoping for some entertainment

I'm a prison guard in a facility for the criminally insane. Ask me anything
>>
What's the worst you ever seen in jail ?
>>
>>699241930

saw this little guy get his head stomped in by a huge dude. the part that still kinda fucks with me is that there was hardly any blood. just this grey shit oozing out of his head. the guys last words were "what did i do?". i still shudder when i think about it
>>
What's your pay rate?
>>
>>699242357

i make about $3200 a month, before taxes and overtime
>>
>>699241735
is there any sexual violence that goes on? tell us about it, i want to hear some clapped out shit
>>
>>699241735
Obligatory what is the funniest/weirdest/stupidest thing you have seen in there?
>>
>>699243482

none that I've personally witnessed, but one day right before i got there this little guy on my unit got raped in one of the showers. there was a decent amount of blood on the floor, and im assuming there was even more that got washed down the drain. also, turned out the guy who raped him has HIV.

don't go to prison if you're a little guy, bad shit happens
>>
I wnat to ask you if you have john hinkley jr there or the unabomber or anybody cool but its not safe to give out your location.

instead, can you tell us any cool stories? the more blood/gore the better, but sex is alwyas good too
>>
>>699241735
>Criminally Insane

So, like a normal prison?
>>
Creepy shit that has happened? Any ghosts or the like?
>>
>>699243718
that's the stuff. thanks man, that's a tough job, expecting to witness that kind of debauchery. more stories, whatever pops into your head! good on ya
>>
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>>699243675

I was doing a tier check (walk around the unit and look into every cell to make sure no ones hanging themselves, etc) and stumbled upon a dude jerking off. I encounter that all the time. But this fucking guy was in this position (see pic) and I walked by just as he was finishing. Him and I made fucking eye contact as he was blowing his load onto his own face. Makes me giggle every time I think about it. That offender won't even look at me anymore
>>
>>699243897

I can tell you we've had some high profile serial killers here before
>>
>>699243927

let me rephrase- offenders who have committed violent crimes and also have severe mental illnesses
>>
>>699244297
I'll keep it general. Are they well behaved? Do they get targeted for retaliation by others?
>did jeffrey dahmer get killed on your watch?
>>
>>699244091

One of the buildings at my facility is super old. I was working overtime on graveyard (alone, except for sleeping offenders) on one of the old units and the unit ice chest (which is fucking huge-- like at least 80 pounds) fell off the table and spilled like 5 gallons of ice everywhere. I went to review the video cameras and there was absolutely nothing there that could have moved it. The cooler was in the middle of a table, not near the edge or anything. Spooks me the fuck out to this day, even more than the murder i saw.
>>
>>699244194
lol
>>
>>699244529

I'm only 21 years old, way too young for Dahmer lol. But every high profile guy is kept in PC (protective custody) and has basically no interaction with other inmates. Other offenders will target high profile guys because they'll get more respect if everyone knows they're the one who killed the famous serial killer
>>
>>699244529

and yes, generally they're well behaved
>>
>>699245079
oh kek I figured you were some old fag

are the serial killers nice or creepy or anything? Do they really go nuts in PC? Do they get shitpiles of letters? If you write one, does your name go into a file or something?

I always wanted to write the unabomber but not wind up on a list, which i'm certain you do.

>tell us about the murder
>>
>>699241735
How well you know Batman?
>>
>>699245299

we're roommates
>>
>>699241735
I hope you don't take this the wrong way but did you become a prison guard?

The pay stinks and your surrounded by people who would happily shove a rusty shank into your face. Why not just be a janitor or something?
>>
>>699245288

serial killers are usually overly nice to staff. most of them are diagnosed sociopaths so it makes it even more creepy when you know they're faking all the emotion they're showing to you. some of them go crazy in PC, some handle it well. The really high profile guys get a decent amount of letters (like 10ish a day). I'm not sure if you get put on a watchlist or anything if you send one. There will be a record kept in the DOC mailroom that you sent this particular guy a letter though. Feel free to write the unibomber, nothing will probably come of it
>>
>>699245523

This job has the best pay I could get with no degree (basically $20/hr). It also has great insurance and assault benefits, and great retirement. When something better comes along I'll cash out my retirement and get the fuck out, but until then I'm stuck there.
>>
>>699241735
what does it take to get in?
i laugh a lot, is that ok?
i sometimes see these images and hear screams, am i ok?
>>
>>699245733
I heard this woman I worked with in the 90's got life for shooting some guy. I always liked her, so I started writing. Think I'm nuts? I enjoy the correspondance and she's totally fucked, so I think it's a nice thing to do for her. She was cool to me.

What's something nice I can do for her I wouldn't think of? I'm getting her a subscription to a magazine and I put money on her books sometimes.

Do you have to watch them in the kitchen or anything? She has kitchen duty and it sounds boring/sucky.
>>
>>699246112

Kitchen is one of the better jobs you can get in prison. Depending on what state she's in. Kitchen workers in my state get paid way more than offenders with regular jobs. I don't personally work in the kitchen ever, but the offenders there can choose what they eat and how much, as long as the kitchen officer isnt a cunt.

If you want to do something nice for her, get on her approved visitor list and pay her visits. People in prison live for visits. Bring money and buy her tons of food from the vending machines. Other than that, just keep putting money on her books. Having money to spend can make prison more bearable. The magazine was a good thought too.
>>
>>699242277
What was the punishment for the big guy? Know why he did it?
>>
>>699246551
thanks for the good advice, anon. I never thought about visiting. She's in Texas, but next time I'm there I'll see if I can arrange it.

I figured kitchen was the worst, but I heard you can get more food.

Hey, speaking of which, she can get in trouble if I ask her something like " do you get extra food for working in the kitchen", right? I know their letters get read and everything.

Great idea about the snacks. I saw that on a Lockup episode once.

>does your prison have cats outside?
>>
>>699246818

he got shipped out to a way shittier facility and got a murder charge. I dont think he got the death penalty, just another life sentence on top his current life sentence. He did it because he was a crazy mother fucker. No other reason. The little guy never did anything to him, or anyone for that matter. He was just an easy target
>>
>>699244756
Fuck this sounds like american horror story
>>
>>699246881

The letters get skimmed for criminal shit, but no one actually reads the whole thing. They basically skim and look for keywords or hidden messages. So she probably wouldnt catch any flack for the kitchen comment. If you do plan on visiting her, let her know in your next letter that you want to be put on her approved visitor list. The process takes a while, so it would be better to have it all done before you head down there.
>>
>>699247059

yeah man. a few offenders saw it happen from their cells. They were scared shitless too
>>
is prison anything like Orange is the new black?
>>
>>699247694

can't say. I've never seen OITNB and I work in a mens prison lol
>>
>>699247033
2 life sentences eh
Are there differences between tbe gaurds? Tough ones, nice ones stupid ons that get tricked. Or do you all recieve strikt instructions on how to handle every situation?
For example, How much you can legally beat a man
How to clean up brain matter
What signs to look for to know its about damn time to call the excorsist
>>
Have you ever had anyone in there you didn't think belonged there? Like someone who might have been innocent? Have you ever been friends with any of the inmates?
>>
>>699247790

All guards are different. I don't really give two fucks about what the offenders are doing as long as the unit stays safe (IE: gambling, passing, sharing food, etc.) But other C/O's will crack down on that shit hard. i've seen other C/O's get manipulated by offenders, even to the point of sneaking shit inside to give them.

Use of force is pretty murky. Way too much to go into. We can use force for tons of reasons, but we have to be able to justify why we did it.

I can beat the fuck out of someone if he is:

1. Attempting to harm me or another person. However, I have to stop wailing on him if he goes down and stops trying to get up.

2. Committing a felony

3. Attempting escape (In this case we would probably shoot him with an AR or shotgun, after several directives to stop)

4. Compromising the safety or security of the institution

Offender hazmat porters clean up brain matter, after the police are done with the crime scene.

I get to know all the offenders' baseline behavior. If they start acting different, I call the excorsist
>>
>>699247891

Never had a guy i thought was innocent, never had an inmate I'd call friend. There are inmates im cool with, joke around with, talk to, etc. But none of them are my friends. When you cross that line you can get manipulated and compromised it can get you into serious trouble
>>
>>699248495
the excorsist?
>>
>>699248640

or the Lieutenant. whichever
>>
How's the staff lunchroom?
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>>699248726
lol

well executed
>>
Do you ever feel bad for any of them?
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>>699248834

Each unit has their own breakroom. Ours is alright. No common staff lunchroom though
>>
Are there any female COs in your facility?
>>
Have you ever made friends with an inmate? Or is that disallowed?
>>
>>699248914

Yes. There are some guys there who committed non-violent crimes like theft or drugs. Guys who seem like perfectly decent dudes who made a mistake, and are now losing years of their lives for it. I did some stupid shit when I was younger, and if I had been caught I could've ended up there too. You cant help but feel for some of the guys stuck there.
>>
>>699248495
This sounds pretty exciting honestly and somestimes intense, although i suppous it gets more mundane after a while. What about the depiction of prison gaurds in movies, are they any accurate or do they make you rage?
Has any inmates come in with the expectations of what they saw in film? Please say someone tried to tunnel out using a spoon and covering the hole with a poster
>>
How long are shifts, typically? Which shifts are the easiest/require least effort?
>>
>>699249081

Yeah. Some hot ones too. They gotta put up with alot of shit though, from inmates and staff alike. Theyre also way more likely to get manipulated and compromised, in my experience. I've seen several female C/O's get fired and charged with rape (because a C/O cant fuck an inmate under any circumstances due to the power difference) after getting caught having sex with an inmate
>>
>>699249156
>>699248631
>>
>>699249365

8 hours, no lunch or paid breaks. if things are slow we can go outside and have a smoke. I work alot of overtime though, and those are 16 hour shifts.

I work swing shift now, which i think is the hardest. Its when the offenders freak out the most. Easiest is graveyard, by far. Thats why I do my overtime on graveyard
>>
>>699249380

Why would you want to have sex with a crazy inmate??? Like I might have issues with being too nice or something, but I don't think I could bring myself to let one of them actually touch me..
>>
>>699249380
Imagine being an inmate and being able to say you banged a female CO. Would that get you respect or jealousy from other inmates? Would other inmates hurt you for it?
>>
>>699249624

youd be surprised. some of these guys can be really manipulative. lots of them are sociopaths.
>>
>>699249652

You'd get mad respect. But you'd also probably get moved to another facility.
>>
>>699249624
Stupid women. What can you do?
>>
was there ever one who stood out as different?
unlike the personality of any you have seen before? If so describe them and what the usual con.
>>
Are the COs tall and muscular, or are there some fat ones?
>>
>>699249982

all different shapes and sizes. I'm 6'0 and pretty skinny. Theres ALOT of fat fucks who work there too though, and some muscular dudes.
>>
>>699241735
Do you like your job? Why do you do it?
>>
Do you ever find yourself thinking of them as like a different species or something? Are they ever treated inhumanely?
>>
>>699249951

too many to list. everyone on my unit is crazy in their own way. For example-

We have a guy who thinks everytime a radio call is made its president Obama talking about him

We have a guy who thinks he is literally Satan

We have a guy who thinks that hitmen are coming from the next state over to kill him. No matter what we tell him, he's always freaking out thinking today's his last day.

We have a guy who eats his own shit on a constant basis

We have a guy who is wheelchair bound, or so he thinks. He can actually walk just fine, I've seen him do it. But he really believes hes paralyzed.

So many more
>>
Have you or any other CO ever been attacked by an inmate?
>>
How often do you and your fellow guards do illegal shit? I only ask because my girlfriends' mom is a prison guard and she's a huge crackhead, to the point where she even smokes at work when she can.

Just seems like a weird job to have if you regularly break the law, so I'm curious.
>>
>>699250348

Its alright. Definitely interesting. I only do it for the money though
>>
>>699249601
Do newbie COs get put on the worst shifts at first? Do you ever mess with them just because?
>>
>>699250382

I always think of them and treat them as human beings. My job is easier if I treat them with respect, because they'll usually treat me with respect. Some C/O's genuinely get off on treating them like shit though.
>>
>>699250477

My partner and I were almost attacked. The guy was off his meds and coming at us. We sprayed the fuck out of him with OC (pepperspray) and never had to go hands on.

Elsewhere in the institution there has been several staff assaults though.
>>
>>699250524

Sometimes I'll pop pills at work (percs, vicodin, etc) just to make the day go by easier. Other C/O's do it too, but its not really an epidemic or anything
>>
>>699250601

Yes. New C/O's (or "ducks" as they're called.) get shitty spots, and get fucked with by staff. It happens to almost everyone when they're new.

We had a new C/O come onto our unit a few weeks back, and I convinced him he had to do "air checks". We told him he needed to collect air samples from 3 cells and bring them to the Lieutenant. This kid filled 3 trash bags with air from 3 cells, and brought them down to the LT. The LT. called me and was laughing his ass off. We pull harmless pranks and stuff like that, but nothing sinister
>>
what are some of the typical crimes you see
people come in for besides murder? jewel thieves,
gang leaders, you know the crazy shit.
>>
>>699250792
Ever hear talks of (or experienced) riots, or is that just in movies?
>>
could you end up in this prison as an inmate somehow or would you end up in another facility as you worked here as a guard?
>>
>>699251193

Mostly murder. Not regular vanilla murder, but like fucked up murder. Like ritualistic torture and shit. Other than that, theres alot of child molesters here too.
>>
>>699251155

>This kid filled 3 trash bags with air from 3 cells, and brought them down to the LT.

Kek
>>
>>699251295

There have been some riots at my facility, but none in the last like 30 years. The guys are too dumb to really organize something like that. If there was a riot though, we'd be royally fucked and probably get raped and tortured to death. Keeps me up some nights.
>>
>>699251323

I would end up in a completely different state probably. And the staff there would know I'm an ex-C/O. It would only be a matter of time until one of them said it too loudly, or straight up told an inmate. Then I'd probably get murdered pretty quick, unless i got put in protective custody immediately
>>
>>699251540
Do you guys have a contingency plan if that ever comes to be?
>>
Is most of the inmate population niggers?
>>
>>699251750

Yes. But if you're at the epicenter of a riot, there's really no options except get behind a locked door and wait for the National Guard. If you can't run you can try to fight, but you'll be outnumbered 30 to 1. You'll most likely die a horrible death if you get caught in a riot.
>>
>>699251912

mostly white dudes actually
>>
do you treat prisoners differently depending on their conviction? such as you give child rapist a harder time than say drug dealers?
>>
>>699251750

Oh, and I forgot to mention that even if you get behind a locked door, offenders can still get in if they get a set of keys off another C/O
>>
>>699252115

No. I treat them differently based on how they treat me and other staff. If theres a baby rapist who is a super easy keeper and never causes trouble, I'll let him be. But if theres a guy in for weed possession who is a total cunt, I'll make his life miserable
>>
>>699251940
>>699252142
Sounds like a nightmare if it becane a reality. Thankfully they're not capable to organize such a thing. Do you thing it's because gangs hating each other? Are there even gangs there?
>>
>>699252142
but couldn't you just keep the key in the door and hold it in the locked position
>>
>>699252276
Sounds fair. My guess is other inmates aren't as nice.
>>
do you have people who you believe genuinely did nothing or only did the crime to save themselves? like people who really shouldnt be there
>>
Do the inmates ever talk to you about the fucked up things they did? Or do you ever hear them tell each other stories?
>>
>>699252307

There aren't really any active gang members in the mental health facility where I work. In the surrounding facilities (all part of the same complex) we have lots of gang members. Those facilities are at higher risk for riots. The mental health facility is a low riot risk because they're mostly all low functioning and heavily medicated
>>
>>699252450

Havent come across any yet, but im sure theres at least a few innocent guys here. we have roughly 3000 inmates in the complex
>>
>>699252482

Most guys don't talk about their crime with anyone.
>>
>>699252331

i suppose that could work
>>
Are the cells electronically locked? If so, what do you think would happen if the power went out and backup generators didn't work. What would be your plan of action?
>>
are there any inmates that you hate of deep down know they are pure evil? what did they do to make you feel this way?
>>
or know*
>>
>>699252900

Cells are electronically locked and designed to stay locked in the event of a power outage. And even if all the cells did open, the offenders would most likely stay in their cells after we said "stay in your cells". The guys I work with are out of their cells all day, in the common area. If they wanted to start shit they'd do it during the day
>>
Ever asked to smuggle something for an inmate?
>>
Haher I'm drunk too I can complest cpathchas tho lol I thinkets try
>>
>>699253082
Have you had to search any cells? Find any fucked up shit?
>>
>>699252966

Yes. Theres a guy on my unit who raped and murdered an entire family, including two very young girls, and fucked their corpses for days until he was found. I read all the details of his crime, and I can tell by the way he acts he has no remorse. If I could murder the guy and get away with it, I would.
>>
Ever hear strange sounds from inmates after lights out? (nothing paranormal, just inmates)
>>
>>699253145

Yeah a couple guys have asked me for stuff. I dont make a big deal out of it, I just say "No, and don't ever ask me again". They usually ask for porn.
>>
>>699241735
OP is a faggot.
They don't allow cell phones into any detention centers.
>>
>>699253329
I always wondered what it would be like to penetrate a corpse. Won't act on it though.
>>
>>699253450
He never said he was on duty you fucking halfwit
>>
>>699253299

I search cells almost daily. Recently I found a letter an offender wrote to me (I dont know if he was ever planning on mailing it), describing all the fucked up shit he wanted to do to me sexually. Needless to say he's got a permanent home in seg now.
>>
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>>699253450
>>
>>699253580
Type the letter to us anon? Pweez
>>
>>699241735
Probably got this question a few times already OP but I need sleep and if you are still around I wouldn't mind knowing.

Do the crazies that do nothing but yell or just babble shit in their cells get to you as you work, expecially late night if you do.

Which is the worst or most annoying/troublesome? or whats the worst you have had happen or had to do to a non obligient crazy, or lets say one that just slipped your guys hands and got a few feet away from you?.
>>
>>699253342

Yes. Alot of the guys hear voices and talk to them. Other guys scream, some guys laugh, some guys just grunt.
>>
do you ever feel compelled to ask them why they did the things they did
>>
How hard is it to get a job in the prison industry? What would I need to do/have beforehand to get a job? There's a prison really close to where I live I wouldn't mind working at.
>>
>>699252276
That's shitty
>>
>>699253640

Most of them don't bother me. There is a guy who screams at the top of his lungs like he's being murdered, and he does get to me after a couple hours. Worst thing I had to do was spray a guy with OC. Nothing too bad
>>
>>699253645
That would make me soil my trousers.
>>
>>699253730

I used to. I thought it would be interesting to get into the mind of someone whos capable of doing fucked up things. But most of the time they don't even have a good reason for doing it in the first place, so I don't usually ask anymore. Plus, it really wigs the guys out when you tell them you know what their crime was.
>>
>>699253791
Ah okay. Sounds kinda similar to even just seclusion with some "normal" jail people.

Do you have any "special" patients? who in your opinion have some secret underlying shit that you think is nothing but shady and would like to know? Or is it just a full out "nope" don't want any part of your messed up shit?
>>
>>699253645
That would make me soils my trousers.
>>
>>699253923
so no really interesting ones at all?
>>
>>699253733

Have a clean criminal record, have a drivers license, be able to pass a drug test, be able to pass the other basic tests they put you through. If you've got common sense youll pass them all. You also have to get sprayed with OC before you can start. I can safely say getting peppersprayed was the most painful thing ive ever experienced
>>
>>699253962

Mostly just "nope" these days
>>
>>699254098
How physically fit do you have to be? I'm a tall, thin white guy so would they kick me out instantly or do they not mind if you don't look like The Rock mixed with a bear?
>>
>>699254040

Not so far. Basically they all just start rambling randomly or making excuses if you try to ask
>>
>>699254254

I'm a tall skinny white guy too lol. You dont need to be ripped to work in a prison. They dont put you through many physical tests. Just gotta be able to defend yourself
>>
>>699254194
All good heh. I'm out. Thanks for the quick info brother. Goodluck!
>>
>>699249167
Do the right thing and help them escape then, asshole. Do something that will make you feel pride in your later years, dipshit.
>>
Are there any hot ones?
>>
Most disturbing thing satan guy has done or said?
>>
What's a common belief about prison that you can debunk with your experience?
>>
>>699254441

Any hot men in the mens prison I work at? nah
>>
>>699254370
Brilliant, thanks for the help.
>>
Would you ever be interested in playing the game Prison Architect?
>>
>>699254443

He came up to me and said "December 13th, 2033. That's when you're going to die. Car accident." That still kinda fucks with me.
>>
when talking to them is it painfully obvious they are insane? how are their social skills and demeanor?
>>
>>699254576

no problem bro
>>
>>699254604

I've actually wanted to try that game for a while. Just never got around to buying it. Looks fun though
>>
>>699241735
what does your scream sound like?
>>
>>699254621
Woah gonna remember that and not drive that day? Lol
>>
>>699254621
Mark your calendar and start saving for funeral.
>>
>>699254448

That everyone there is always trying to prove how tough they are, or assert dominance. Not really the case.
>>
>>699254796
He could be a passenger. Stay home that day, OP.
>>
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>>699254780

kinda like this
>>
>>699254796
>>699254822
>>699254920

yeah, probably gonna stay home that day. lol
>>
>>699254920
the car could crash through the side of his house tho
>>
>>699255038

fuck
>>
when talking to them is it painfully obvious they are insane? how are their social skills and demeanor?
>>
>>699254920
By then op will have forgotten,he will be in a rush... his wife in labor for the 3rd time,their first baby girl after two sons he will escort her to the car and leave never knowing what is about to come
>>
>>699255038
That made me kek

I just imagine OP sitting on the couch watching T.V. drinking beer when suddenly a car comes through the wall and kills him.
>>
fake and gay
>>
>>699255126

Some have decent social skills. But even then, you can still tell somethings off about them. Other guys wont even really talk. Theres a rare few that seem totally normal in conversation
>>
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>>699254796
>>699254920
>>699255000
check'd
>>699255038
Yep.
Won't make any difference.
>>
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OP here- abandon thread because I gotta get some sleep. Thanks for the company. Hope everyone has a good night.
>>
>>699241735
Did you have a cameo when they film suicide squad?
>>
>>699255297
>filename
>>
That worked out well. Right as I get to the bottom of the threat it ends. Good timing op
>>
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>>699255297
Yeah I'm thinking maybe go spelunking that day or I dunno.
>>
>>699255224
>fake
probably
>gay
no, interesting and entertaining
>>
Goos bred OP
>>
>>699255539
ty for thread was interesting
>>
>>699253450
ya, you just figured out this is a story fag?
>>
>>699255539
goodnight op
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