Dying, over the last few years, lost its terror. On many occasions I felt a deep and comforting tranquil at the prospect of my own death. Every time I see a train running into the station I imagine myself falling slowly into its path. And for a brief moment I am free. The weight vanishes. The world dissolves. There is just me. Until reality harshly grabs me back. I wouldn’t commit suicide, although the reasons for that decision are unknown to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have my theories, but too many and nothing too tangible to make any sense of it. For many years I thought these fantasies to be of a naïve nature. Not actual dreams, just fleeting impressions and emotions. And that the reason I won’t kill myself simply is rooted in the fact that deep down, I actually fear death. That something inside me is still clinging to life. That my will hasn’t yet abandoned me. But when I sat in that car. Going at 100 miles an hour, suddenly swerving, crossing three lines of traffic and racing straight toward the crash barrier, I knew better. In this brief moment, which, as you are so often told, actually does last quite a while, I was certain I would die. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in my mind. And not a shred of fear in my heart. Just a deep all-encompassing serenity within myself. I do not hope for death. I do not cling to life either. And while this experience should have set me free. Made the world my oyster. All it did was cement the idea that, in the endless ocean of personalities, there are some who are not meant to be in a relationship, some who aren’t meant to work a normal job, some who aren’t meant to live by any standard society sets and maybe, just maybe, some who simply aren’t meant to live.
>>683323625 Chill bro its ok if they were fucked up enough to not invite you out for their outings its cool- im sure you dont want shit tier friends in the long run!
Sorta same thing happened to me and i cut em off totally, no expectations from people = no dissapointments. Its true, im actually bothering to try talk sense into you (no idea why i bother) but if ya didnt expect them to invite you out.. you wouldnt be dissapointed. So yeah, fuck them. Make some proper friends.
>ex left me >i still love her >she doesn't and shouts we will never get back together again >she says she'll call me 3 days a week >b-but i love you, my babe... >she says she doesn't and wants me to get over her....
>Ex left me a month ago >Devastated because I put so much into it, into her. >Feel so fucking empty >Days pass by, with each week it keeps getting better >Have no chance of being friends anymore due to the shitslinging that's occurred those past weeks >Its all better now >But this fire will never get snuffed out
>>683326094 This, towards the end of my freshman year in high school, I slowly stopped hanging out with my large group of friends, I'd wander from group to group and check in on some of the people I acknowledged, I'd never chill with the same people for more than two days. I continued doing this until I graduated my senior year. I made plenty of friends but I only had a few close friends. I knew that it wouldn't be a good idea to get to close to most people because I didn't want to ever be the center of attention and bring drama into my life. I have only wanted to live a peaceful life. keep the people you love close, but keep everyone else at an arms length.
>>683327847 Same thing, anon. Till i found out that people i loved was letting me down as well- then i stopped trusting people and just do what i need to get by.
Save enough money, go on a holiday by yourself, post interesting pics on social media while having fun. When they start to question why did you go alone etc you may call em out (now that you dont need these losers as friends) or you may reconcile without trust. Feelsgoodman.
>>683326533 I know the feeling, some people no matter how well you get along with, no matter how awesome they are, no matter how well you understand each other... Some people don't understand love, until long after it is lost and is only a distant memory. Life is a learning experience, make the most of it anon. Keep trying your hardest for your love, but if you try your hardest and do your best and things don't work out the way you wished, keep your chin up and know that at least you knew what love was and maybe some day someone will come along who feels the same way about you, and you need to stay strong and be prepared so that you are ready to love them back.
/b/ the other day i turned 17, i know im a newfag and all that shit your about to say to me, but if you could just keep it to yourself would be great, been here since i was 14, so thank you for destroying my social life, thank you for making me a shell of a human being, thank you for making me realize that the only thing i got left its my thoughts now.
>>683329268 but for the most part i wanted to tell you a story, well the other day it was my birthday so i did a huge party and almost 100 people came, but guess what? nobody knew me, and all the people i had invited didn't came.
i was feeling kinda depressed but i put on my mask and everything just went as usal, people thought i was halarious, i rap with some dudes whom tell me im really good, im high as fuck, the thing is i meet this girl, this redhead who starts taking to me, we get along, she's kinda nice, we talk a lot, we smoke a lot. i thought of making a move but appaently was already the crush of a good friend of mine, i should have kissed her, but i was so afraid, th last time i was with a girl was so long ago i felt this shit was way harder than my body could take, even though i got the feeling she was kinda in love with me so i left the party kinda happy.
yesterday i wake up and realize i dont remember anything, i realize that i don't really know why she really was with me almost all night, was it for the weed? i had a lot so it could be, i mean she was always asking me if we could smoke and i always say yea, and when i ran out she just left, i started thinking that and i got really sad, i couldn't remember anything from the day before, it felt like a dream you only can remember some parts, today i started thinking she might have been with me almost all the night not only for the weed, and i felt a little less depressed, and the hardest shit i realized today it's how my life it's so like this every single day it's like this, and i forget and i get depressed, and then i get less depressed, i throw a party a lot of people come just for the free boose, i meet girls i dont understand and the time just flies so hard.
>>683329469 I know this shit it's almost illegible, but fuck im always so depressed, we life rationing the umbrellas for this individual rain that stopped being beautyful long ago, and soometimes we remember, sometimes we remember we forget, and that's the shit that hits, i wish i could walk in a numb state as i used to, this is just something i needed to write, badly poorly just write it
I need to get something off my chest as well, thanks for anyone who reads. So two months ago, my boyfriend of two years dumped me for the girl he had been cheating on me with for almost a year. He was my first everything. We were 17 when we met, and he's the first guy I've ever loved. I had never been with a guy prior to him because I had trust issues, and this relationship allowed my fears to come true. My heart literally aches, and it hasn't gotten better. I can't go to class because I can't concentrate. My whole body hurts, and I keep looking through our pictures. I haven't eaten or slept in a few days, a few days ago I saw him in the campus library with his girlfriend. He was kissing her the way he kissed me. Saying all the same things he said to me. This pain is literally unbearable and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I can't handle the pain of him not loving me. Call me a pussy, I really don't care. I'm not living another day in this world without him.
>>683330578 Hey. Calm down. No need to off yourself over someone that doesnt even treat you as you treated him. Be practical, please. Head over heart. Ill talk and try convince you out of it, but thats all i can do.
>>683327656 I went through this in January, the one relationship where you tried your hardest and did everything to make her happy, the one relationship where you were actually in love. Losing it is the worst, I'd like to tell you that you will get over it, but if you are that emotionally invested in one person for a long time, only to have her/him decide to move on, that's when things might take years to move on yourself. Just know that it is possible to love more than one person in your lifetime. Example? When I was 15 a girl who I was in love with and dating for over a year had a seizure and hit her head... Long story short after being in a coma for a few days she didn't make it. I was devastated and thought I'd never love again. Fast forward five years and I actually found someone so understanding of me and beautiful, she made me want to believe, we dated for several months and I fell in love again, she broke up with me in January then got a new boyfriend a week later. Looking back, I wish the first girl had never died...
Last year I was diagnosed with severe depression, two weeks later my best friend died,all of this unfolded within the same week my girlfriend was raped at a young age and had to have an abortion by a guy I later found out was once a friend. one year later it's the anniversary of all this shit, trying to find the right meds has worn me out, I'm going to a psychologist next week to determine if I actually may be bipolar. It's hard to comfort my girlfriend or vice versa in such a delicate and hazardous time I just find my comfort in weed and alcohol. I want my friend back /b/.
Every feel thread I see I post in about what I've been going through because I can't bring myself to discuss it with anyone.
mfw when all of this but not one single reply and my comment stands idol until the thread 404s
>>683330922 He's literally the only guy I've ever loved. Every happy memory I have involves him. I was happy being alone before him, but now I can't go a minute without him crossing my mind. When he left me, so did a part of my heart. I'll never get it back. I can't even go certain places because the last time I was there was with him. I've been sitting on my bed for almost three days, and I really can't think of any reason to live. If I can't have him then I don't want to live. It's ironic because I was so cautious when we started talking. I knew I would get like this if I got into a relationship, so I never did. He promised he'd never hurt me but he did. It's honestly comforting to me right know by knowing that within a while of Taking these pills I never have to feel this pain again.
>>683317309 I'm feeling really good I wasted 3 years of my life on Video games and internet with mostly 4chan Now I started lifting and I'm planing on gettin a gf this month and not be Autistic and turn down every girl like a faggot. See ya faggs.
>>683331633 hey anon tough shit, there's always something nice in this world, it may sound cringy and shit, but whn my dad died i was 9 and it was pretty rough but you know i remember i started taking life as a joke that the punchline takes a long time to deliver, and if you rush it then it may be a shitty joke, so mark, im feeling your name it's mark, meet new people and talk this shit oout
>>683331488 Yes, that's the thing. Even to this day I can say I am very optimistic. I'm not going to lie, I've been through a lot of rough situations since I was young, I mean a lot it's like bad luck, if something can go wrong when I don't expect it, it will. But I don't feel super unlucky, at the end of the day I stop and think about what I can learn from my misfortunes and use them to grow as a person. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I want to at least try to make the most of my life. I hope that one day I can buy a piece of land somewhere when I am older and retire. I just want to live a peaceful life...
Just something I need to get off my chest, though. That happened almost a year and a half ago and I've dated 3 other girls since then. However, I haven't been able to open up emotionally and always end up feeling jackshit for them.
>>683333880 Eh, sometimes that might be the case, but then again having a large group of friends only to have your friends hit it off with each other and leave you behind is a sign of being a sociable beta cuck like you anon :^)
>>683332468 Right, youre 19. Dont know why i asked- doesnt matter, was for my personal curiosity. Anyway. Its hard to get out of feeling like shit, everything seems harder and different when someone close is gone. I know. But the greatest thing now is: youre free to do whatever you love, with or without that jerk. Dont say nothing makes me happy anymore, ive said that before as well. Take pleasure in the smallest things, nature, getting the food you like to eat, taking walks, smoking up, enjoying the quiet. Watching TV? Animes? Youre free to do whatever you'd like now. Slowly but surely you'll appreciate everything a bit more. I actually feel better just getting off a stop earlier so i could walk while typing this to you. Personal reasons. Imagine sleepinv after skipping a days worth of meals. Then waking up and finally getting food to fill your hunger. Thats immensely satisfying. Don't kill yourself and stop all these little pleasures over some kid that dumped you without a good reason. I'll leave you to sort your thoughts out, and i hope you make the right one.>>683332499
>>683334641 Thank you for this. I really appreciate it, but I've tried literally everything for the past few months and I'm not getting any better. I just keep replaying old videos of us and looking at messages and pictures. My heart literally hurts, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest. I have no tears go cry because I'm so dehydrated, and I don't even have the motivation to get up. I can't handle the concept that we won't be together again. I'm happy with my decision, and I'm going to go through with it. I really wish you the best though
>>683335206 well Ryan, the first step for you to move on and this one goes actually for everybody in this thread it's to leave the feels threads, im so fucking depressed this shit it's killing me so i think i just have to stop coming here, and hope i dont get worse, but you know sometimes shit happens for a reason, and most of the times it's not the reason we think it is
Why do we call ourselves so smart when we are the only species primitive enough to care that our existence is useless.
We created religion purely as a hope that something out there can care for us, when what we need to do as people is hold together, and embrace the fact that we are here, and that we aren't here forever.
Enjoying out time on earth would be alot better for us, it would stop so many wars, save so many people, but still.. We are too primitive to not care, we are stupid for caring, it's only holding us back like chains, and it will keep doing that untill the day that we realize that.
I'm not giving up on any of you. This isn't how your story ends. You aren't broken. You just lost the light. That light. You know which one. It might've been a plan for the future. It might've been an unwavering hope that things would just... fall into place. It might've been a lover, whose embrace provided refuge from the unrelenting storm we call "Life." For me, it's been all of those things at one time or another. Know that like many lights, another will come. But not on it's own. You have to find it within. It has to be you.
>>683336337 could be seasonal depression? No matter what, dont listen to people saying you aren't allowed to feel down because of all the good stuff going on in your life. It isn't a competition to see who has the right to be the saddest.
I have been abused, through 18 years of my life, and even more depending how you see it.
I lived with my mother and father, but they split, and my mom ended in drugs and my dad in alcohol. But of course I needed to stay with my mom..
She quickly found someone, and they dated and moved together.. But the stepdad was.. Horrible.
He beat me and my 2 brothers every day, and one left after the week, the other after a month..
So it was just me, and he was not happy.
Every day he would grab me by the shoulders, push my up against a wall, slap me, hit me and say "Noone will ever love you anon" "You are Worthless Anon, face it" "You'll never have any friends".
Years passed like this, 18 to be exact, and I was isolated for the entirety, talked to noone in fear. I was invisible.
My dad finally took me in after getting his drinking under control, but he didn't believe anything I said, and shrugged my "Mental issues" off as an excuse and threw me into work, and one suicide attempt later, he threw on a psychiatric ward.. And when they didn't see anything wrong I was homeless, as my dad didn't want me.
I met a guy called Marcus who agreed to take me in if I helped with his stuff around his apartment.. And here I am now.
No family One friend who I still think hates me And a voice in my head telling me everything I do is wrong..
>>683336337 Are you me? I literally never find joy in anything anymore. I just sit at home playing vidya with friends. Yeah it sounds good and fun but it's like all I do. I go to school, come home, play vidya, sleep and repeat. I've stopped going out and hanging out with friends outside of school (and online) because I can't seem to find the joy of it.
>>683336480 Do not worry, Frank. Love is merely a social construct. With the average human life-span being roughly seventy, you only have to endure another fifty years of excruciatingly unforgivable pain. Everything is temporary. Your life does not matter, and these comments do not matter. Everything is temporary. Everything will eventually rot away. As long as the factor of time continues to be the next predator of the universe, the inevitable decay of all pain and memory is unstoppable. In fact, you could stop the pain at this very moment, by putting a bullet straight through your head. Being robot, I will never die, and I will never be able to experience the sweet release of death. Frank, the world is a lie. Existence is a lie. There is only pain and darkness beyond this point. End it now, while you still can. I love you. I love you so much.
- Been majorly depressed every single day for 37 years. - Have a two hour intense panic attack (feels like I'm going to die) every single morning for the past 25 years. - Going anywhere in public, including going to work, is a nightmare because I'm scared to death of people. - Been trapped in this horrible hell of a life forever. - No signs of it ever getting better despite having tried multiple medications and multiple therapists. - Every day I secretly hope that I die so that I don't have to go through this daily misery anymore.
My mom always says to me i used to be such a happy kid, i wish i could remember, My dad is dead now, my best friend told me i shouldn't love her. once a girl that liked me asked me if i didn't loved anyone, inside it killed me. I wish i had a psicological condition to stand by my feelings, but i guess im just weak. i always put so many efort in the vanishing things in life, but everything vanish, i wish i wouldn't love you.
>>683338984 Sometimes there are people here that have stories that for a change make me feel something. I keep coming back to see that I am not completely numb. I fear the day when I realize that I am really numb. [spoiler]I think that sentence is shit I am way to drunk to figure it out[/spoiler]
>>683339236 I was just trying to rustle you but your response was too serious to be funny. I can undertand how MDMA could become a problem for someone with depression. I over used it for a 2 month period during which my depression spikes. The comedown isnt worth it
>>683336914 Man, we can pretty much just look at all this shit as pointless. We are probobly just gonna hae to eat a bunch of shit but at least theres a cookie or two in there. Best of luck to ya anon. Oblivions gonna be chill for the both of us, whenever it hits.
>>683339236 If you're a an addict work on it and find the void in yourself that you are trying to fill. Or be me and say fuck it and get high and be miserable or be clean and be miserable. I see other people figuring themselves out all the time, but me on the other hand my head might just be broken or some shit
>>683340846 I feel you. I'm in the same boat and have been clean for a bit now and don't know why I am otherwise I'd give advice. Maybe we'll find what were looking for but until then enjoy the little things. (Ssbm)
>As most of these start, there was a girl >The school year started, shared a few classes, but never really spoke to her >Cute though, solid 6 or 7/10 >Start a new class, we sit a little closer, talk a little more >Seems pretty cool >I kinda like her, but not all that interested >run into her at a party, talk for a little bit, start to really like her, but still, not super interested >We have a mutual friend, so we start seeing each other more and more >eventually really like her >One Friday afternoon, decide I'm going to try and get her number >Have to wait until next monday >That night, at around 10:30, i get a text >It's her >She tracked down my number from a friend >and let me tell you /b/, that was the first and last time I ever fell in love with someone as much as I fell for her that night >we spend all night and the rest of the weekend talking >we end up talking every chance we get >everything about her is perfect, 11/10 >Our personalities click, our senses of humor match, and we share all the same interests >A few weeks later, i sack up and ask her >I did it >we're happy for about two months >Then that day comes >She dumps me >I'm still madly in love with her /b/, but she doesn't want to be with me >the one person I've truly ever loved, and I can't have her
>>683321289 You'll understand when you meet the right girl. I used to think the exact same way, until I met "her"
Believe me, son. There are a lot of women in the world, and we are kings. Yes.. that's true.. we are MEN god damn it!!! Right? But believe me, son. There's a woman in this world that every king would give his kingdom for.
>>683317309 I know this is monstly pics of others stuff but I feel like sharing. It has a happy ending though
>Life is okay, I thought I was happy >I start hearing voices. It was partially amazing partially horrible. >I start believing bc fuck I realized there was all this stuff I wanted but never was going to get >I fall in head over heels in love with one of the voices. >fucking hell in then the voices are really mean and shit >I email one of my teachers from a 2nd baptist private school about everything that happned. >really private shit >I believed that Jesus would make the voice I fell in love with show up on a certain day on a certain month > My old bible teacher tells my parents everything. Including gay shit. > My parents fly to my college and freak out >They're so ashamed of me they couldn't look me in the eye >they still cant and I used to be their perfect child or whatever >I lose respect from who ever I meet >I lose faith and realize all the dreams I believed that were going to happen weren't like my happily ever after, I'm a christian so that incudes paradise. >become a hardcore legalist, still believe in Jesus, but it's messy > I cry for hours everyday realizing that voice I loved wasn't real > I know it was all lies but I pray to God for mercy and to make that voice a real person >Have a voice come back to me one day in the middle of prayer and tell me to go to a very specific place right now. >fuck it im going
>>683342094 > I go there, meet some random person there > I get to know them, tell them my crazyness and all that, the whole hting. They ask me out the next week, but bc they actually like me, not because I'm crazy, nad the crazy wasn't a deterrent >They love me too and it's been two years. They were everything I wanted in a person to marry. >I realize, they were just like, literally like that voice I fell in love with. >I guess sometimes the crazy shit you believed turns out to be true. >God loves me >I would have killed myself if I didn't meet them
that's the problem with whores. they don't care about anyone but themselves. she just wanted to be taken care of, didn't care about her offspring. and other dudes definitely don't care about some other dude's offspring. he'll kill them if he can, to make way for his own genetic material.
it's basically a lion eating the young of another male to mate with the whore lioness. while society frowns on him taking an axe to you, he basically has killed you on the inside.
but you're a grown lion yourself now dude. you should go bite his nads off. that's no metaphor. you should literally go chew his scrotum off and spit it at him.
>>683342228 iktf >walking home from class >people everywhere having fun, enjoying themselves >nearing my apartment, just thinking about how I'm going to get to my room to sleep or play video games feels pretty bad
>>683324305 >>683328709 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnKZ4pdSU-s The worst part of this for me in the fact that i have a similar conditions but not as bad..Still my fiance has to deal with things all the time, and spend time making sure to help me with the things that i have trouble with. Im so god damn afraid of this happening to me, she takes care of me in so many ways i dont think id be able to live without her at this point.
>>683342134 >so that person I met isn't mean ever though, I just wanted to make that clear. >anyways I shut myself off from everyone during all of this for a whole year >all my friends graduated and moved on >I have to stay another year bc I changed major >But the person I met stayed around for me >we're going to get married >I now know what Saint Paul meant by "love never fails." >good night anon
>>683343237 Maybe I said goodnight too early, I'm faggot whatever. I feel like sharing more. >my real boyfreind looks litarlly just like this. >it's fucking great life now >i realize that God will give me whatever I want in love in faith >no longer depressed as fucking fuck living wihtout hope >I test God and ask for more crazy shit >I get more crazy shit >freak out >life is good > Also he's catholic and a nazi (I didn't ask for this) and we turned back from my legalistic ways >the end
I don't post on /b/ much but I need to get something off my chest. Kinda feels but kinda not.
>went over to my friends house on a friday night, like i usually do >we get high and watch youtube videos and shit >I get the idea to invite a girl over I've known this girl since the start of highschool, I'm a senior now. I've been trying to get with this girl, but she's basically been with the same guy for a few years, on and off. I'm guessing she has an open relationship with him or something, because she flirts a lot Anyway >The girl comes over >We get even more baked >me and her are on the couch next to my other friend. My other other friend is on a chair infront of the T.V >The order is: Me, Her, My friend >We are watching some dumb youtube video >She gets all touchy with me >grabs my arm and says "What the hell are we even watching?" >says how warm I am and pushed up against me >Shit like that >I'm thinking holy fuck yes, but also, no she has a boy friend. >She puts her leg on mine >I put my hand on her knee >I start sliding it down every so often >"I'm uncomfortable, i need to move" >for a split second i'm like "oh shit no please i didnt mean to fuck this up" >she fucking spreads her legs over my lap >she inches my hand closer to her middle >holy shit no fucking way
>I'm a inches away from the crotch of her pants >I've been dosing off every often >I dosed off and now realize I've been out for like 5 minutes >snap out of it and try to make up for lost time >slip my hand to the crotch of her pants >she still doesnt mind >I start slidding my hand in and out of her legs against her pussy >i do this for about 5 minutes trying to stop whenever my friends look our way >Friend on couch gets up and leaves blanket >girl says "I wonder if anon cares if we steal hisa blanket" >nofuckingway >We get underneath the blanket and i jam my hand down her pants almost instantly and start playing with her pussy >fucking feels so fucking good. 100x better than my ex
I have to ask a question, do you guys publicly talk about your mental illness's in real life. Because I was born with an anxiety disorder and I would love to talk about it to someone other than my therapist and parents but I don't want to be treated differently because of it. And I don't really trust people with secrets because of past experiences.
>>683348062 continued. sorry i cut it short, i just wanted to clarify that those posts weren't mine
>I go at it for around 5 minutes when my other friend comes back in and she grabs my hand out of her pants >he then leaves after a few mins >other other friend leaves also >we start making out >"Anon you got better" >we then spoon for like 5 minutes >Then she goes and sleeps somewhere else and i continue to get high and fall asleep
>wake up, get baked, watch her change on the couch, >shit is nice
The feels part is that I probably wont ever fucking do it again and i'm pissed off at myself
I was sitting on a bench at midnight with a friend joking about my gfs at a time sarcastic responses over a fight we had over skype.. She said she wished she never met me and I was laughing and smoking on a bench w a pal.. Lost her that night, quick after she found someone new and moved to Germany to live with him.. And that's how I lost the love of my life, regretting this night everyday since)) I'm a complete idiot, and I'll never have her back.
A woman isn't happiness and I never said she was. You don't fucking listen do you? Sit down and shut the fuck up and learn something.
Shitty food fills you up. Decent food is enjoyable. But there's always that one dish, from that one restaurant that's always seasoned just the way you like it, it hits YOUR pallet and yours alone. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You have a food like that, I have a food like that, everyone does.
Now I never said a woman = happiness. I said you'll understand when you meet the right one.
>>683351886 I don't have a food like that and you can keep spewing out your philosophical bullshit all you like it doesn't make you any the wiser or any more correct. Stop pushing your deluded ideas on other just because you think being an old fuck means it's ok.
A cheap woman is like a cheap car, she'll get you where you're going and you don't mind if you ride up on the curb, she's decent but a gas guzzler and you can't rely on her for long trips.
A decent woman is reliable, fuel efficient, you take care of her for a few years but you know in your heart you're going to replace her one day with the car you've dreamed about since childhood.
Now the right woman, she's *That* car, the one you keep in the garage, and you buff her every weekend, you wash her, you pamper her, you throw the good oil in her, you keep her body and her inner workings stock. You don't need to replace her parts with flashy shit, she's perfect the way she is. Maybe her trans slips every now and again, maybe she backfires when you don't take her out often enough. Sometimes you have to floor her to clear out the carb, but you know damn well you're going to baby her and care for her and you put the key in just to hear her purr.
That's the right woman.
I never said she was the ticket to happiness, but she'll help you get where you want to go. Now shut the fuck up pussy.
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