I feel like I'm one of those people who's gonna end up as a mass murderer in one way or another
I study my dream education. I have lots of money saved away. I live independently in a nice apartment. I have lots of friends. I live in a nice town
I kind of dislike people though and feel as if I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life. I can't connect with anyone and I trust nobody. I've had two absolute best friends that I would've died for who only seemed to hang out with me because of what they could gain from me. When I stopped spending money they stopped being my friend.
I want to die, but I don't want to commit suicide. I've already gotten help and medication from a psychologist and I've talked to so many doctors. Nothing helps and nobody seems to care.
Just keep living your life and look for that other man not gonna find it on here but no reason to stop lurking. You're probably not that old and have so much time left /b/ro just keep doing what you're doing only if it makes you happy my nigga >we here anon
If you want to die but have money and shit just start doing crazy shit like sky diving and other things that could go crazy wrong but if they keep going right you'll be in for an penis dripping adrenaline rush
>>675697918 won't work. Cops here would barely shoot a crazy guy running around firing a machinegun into the air over here.
>>675698226 I'm still in my 20s and I've already lost interest in most things. Summed up, my enjoyment comes straight from watching movies or documentaries about people having it worse. So that I won't have to feel bad in comparison. But it only lasts for a short short while. Can't make a living out of that
>>675698312 Tried it when I was dealing drugs. The exact reason why I feel so bad about people. They only seem to like me when I have something they can gain
>>675698403 I wish. But I don't have that much money and the odds of dying from any extreme sport I'm able to do are pretty low. Would run out of money before anything happened and then I would be in the same situation except poor.
>>675699596 Oh yeah and it kind of goes without saying. I'm pretty negative. But I actually appreciate people trying to help me even if it doesn't sound like it. It's just so sad that I can get more comfort from fucking /b/ than I can get from friends or family.
If it helps i find it really interesting to see what goes through a killers mind, and I've contemplated watching a snuff video because i find it interesting, not that i get off on it or I'm watching for pleasure, purely because I'm curious and now I'm scared because of all this curiosity I might turn into a killer myself so yep
>>675697474 you do not know how to relish life, and you are probably a shithead if everyone only wants to use you, maybe it is just your atittude tho, i think you should also stop judging all of humanity based off of just ur experience, thats ridiculous. also people can be shit but when you know its their karma it becomes alright personally, or at least better. not in a way as in im better than them, but just amusement
>>675699890 was means past tense. I've been clean for over a year and haven't dealt in even longer.
>>675699908 this. Killers are a pretty big interest for me, which is why I'm afraid that I'll turn into one. I sympathize with alot of them
>>675699952 No that's right, I have no idea how to relish life. I'm not trying to hide it. I'm not judging all of humanity either, I just have a hard time trusting people because of my past experiences. What makes me so depressed is that I know there are good people out there, but I can't seem to find them. I do go out regularly too. I just can't seem to connect with anyone
>>675700187 Yeah. I love to help others. But it's so easy to be used and I don't want to play "hard to get" help. But yeah, maybe a job where I risk my life would suit me. Maybe not a fireman. But I get to help and at the moment I don't really care if I'd die doing it
>>675697474 Lol stfu pussy these threads are but one in five fakefags that just project their rage online. Go make it on the news or stfu pussyboy, if i could see you irl i would slap your face with my dick until your eyeball popped out than fuck the gouge it came from you filthy cum sock cunt. I'd lay you out and fuck your eye socket in front of your ten cats you stupid hagrid looking piece of phlegm.
>>675701396 The world doesn't feel well, no one asked to exist, we just do. You wanna spend this life sucking depression's dick than just go get gunned down in the street like the degenerate you are. Happiness isn't something attained, it's a choice. Your life is like it is because you made it that way. Even during times where you felt it was entirely out of your control, you still had a choice and you chose to be a bitch. Asking strangers online will not help you. Go out there, find something you like doing and do it. Otherwise get gunned down already. I firmly believe in culling our population of bad genetics. Xmen revolution is my passion.
>>675702040 >>675702091 Alright, so how do I do it? How do I become happy again? Walking out my front door and just finding happiness is easier said than done. Believe me when I say I have tried. I have everything I wished for except for someone really close to me
>>675702066 Meditation only helps temporarily for me. Guess I can try eating more healthy though. I sleep as much and often as I can and water is my favorite drink already. I just feel that I will convince myself it feels better only to realize a few months in that I don't really feel any difference after all. Have you been through this too?
>>675702477 witch house if more my thing. >inb4 people don't like my music taste
>>675697474 Op needs to take a moment and realiZe that 2-3 bad people dont mean all people are bad. Just keep meeting people through activities or work or hobbies and evenetially you will meet good ones.
>>675697474 The fact that you have displayed any type of compassion or empathy, for that matter leads you astray from the path from true psychopaths. If this is a genuine concern, OP you should take some medication.
>>675703616 read >>675700560 "I'm not judging all of humanity either, I just have a hard time trusting people because of my past experiences. What makes me so depressed is that I know there are good people out there, but I can't seem to find them. I do go out regularly too. I just can't seem to connect with anyone"
>>675703632 I've already been on medications. I took 3 different types of pills per day for over a year until my doctor told me I should be fine. I told him I had thoughts about suicide and he told me I probably had to travel and challenge myself in some way. Got into uni on my dream education. Still feel no different and getting professional help only feels like a reason for doctors to get their paycheck. There's so many people seeking help like me and they just can't help everyone
>>675697474 Dude it took me 20 years to find the right treating team. That's a GP, a phychologist, and a phychitrist who are all invested in your recovery. Each one of those health professionals have taken the initiative to ask for my permission to communicate with eachother to ensure they're all on the same page in regards to my recovery. It takes a lot of searching. Fuck your phychitrists Cambridge education, if you don't get the vide that she/he really cares, ditch her and try somebody else.
Once you find one of the three that you resonate with, ask if he/she can recommend somebody from one of the other fields. It's funny, but again comming from 20 years of mental health facilities, talking to random doctors and other health professionals, it really comes down to personalities, not so much education.
The team I've been fortunate enough to find have gotten me off the suicidal ideation train, found the right combination of medications for me, helped me get clean of excessive pot, alcohol and benzo abuse and helped me to take control of my thoughts, identify useful from unhelpful, being present and now thinking about the future instead of the past. And that's all because I like these people, I feel they genuinally care.
Keep looking man, find one and you'll eventually find another and so on.
>>675704437 Thanks, this feels like the first actual useful tip coming from experience and not just preconceptions about depressed people. 20 years seems pretty long, but I guess I don't have anything to lose.
What do you say to a doctor who you felt didn't care? Like "I want to talk to someone new. You suck"?
>>675704312 Well he can only help so much. They're great because they can give you honest, and educated opinion of your problems without being biased, but you're right there are some like that. What exactly were you diagnosed with if you don't mind my asking. And honestly, I think your doctor probably had a good grasp on you. If your behavior was worrisome then he would've forced you into a 72 hour watch at some institution. You probably do need change, from what it sounds like. Maybe your comfortable life is the thing that's making you listless.
>>675703470 Meditation is a daily practice, not a one time fix. I have experienced a lot of extreme depression/anxiety, and those changes have helped me a lot. I've learned that if you help yourself internally, it can show externally and will attract people to you.
>>675705338 Yeah, I actually tried pretty hard for over a year to better myself. The thing with the first doctor I spoke with was that after talking to me in about 30 minutes he recommended some pills and I just said yes because why not. I could at least try it. I got to fill out this form and answer some questions and he said it was a severre depression I was supposed to meet him once every two weeks at first but it ended up being two times in three months because I never got any calling like he said I would. He was really hard to reach despite several mails and phonecalls. So I tried getting someone new and started talking to someone by phone at first and then he asked me to come in to the psychiatry at the hospital. So I went there and talked to someone new and was locked in for three days and got two new types of pills for helping with anxiety and sleeping. After that I was evaluated by a whole team of doctors and nurses. After the evaluation I had to talk to yet another doctor before I got sent home again. Again they told me I would get callings for regular check ups. But they never came (big surprise this time) and after several phonecalls I finally got to talk to my first doctor again for a few meetings over a few months. My medication and prescription ran out and I didn't get to talk to anyone for about a month. I didn't get any renewed prescriptions even though I told him I still thought about suicide pretty regulary. He told me that I should maybe move away from my hometown and challenge myself. So I moved and got into uni. never heard anything from anyone again and I haven't felt like trying to reach them either.
>>675704936 You don't have to say anything, just book in with another doctor. It can be from the same clinic, it's not about them. It's about you.
I've found that you'll have better luck trying female GPs, they tend to be more sympathetic and the younger the better, find one that hasn't burnt out yet.
You'll know pretty quick if she's on your side, you'll see it in her eyes, and I dont mean that in a sexual context or pitty. She sees you as a person in suffering, not just another patient to get through on a busy schedule.
Phychologist and psychiatrist, you'll want male, and again young is better. Psychiatrist is important because he'll be managing your meds but you don't want some wise old guru. Naturally they're going to be older than you due to the length of time it gets to their possition, but they all have a burn out point where they're just riding out their final years to retirement. It's important they make you feel respected.
Phychologist is most important when it comes to personalities, find one that has energy because you'll be having hour long conversations with them and you want to walk out of there feeling good. Not bored or tired, or like no progress was made. A good pshcologist will give you handout sheets, give you a little bit of homework but no pressure, will remember names and will always shake your hand before and after the session.
Personality is everything, younger the better, and never feel guilty about ditching one to find another because it's all about YOU.
>>675699596 So basically you're telling me that you're not a very interesting person, and that you've had trouble bonding with people. Leading to the point where you don't like people and the people don't like you. And now you're being immature about it, because you're obviously irreplaceable. It's as if you missed a chunk of your life to something which didn't really matter at all.
That makes you the average /b/tard, with the difference that you're getting a degree of somesort and not just laying on sofa smoking pot all day long.
Also, you didn't have best friends. Infact, you didn't have any friends at all. You had two acquaintances, whom asked you to peform services for them. By doing so you believed you'd bond with them, but turns out it doesn't work that way.
At this point if you're smart enough you probably have the solution for your problem.
>>675707156 Well it's a part of your responsibility too. There are more people in worse situations, blah, blah, blah. I think that you don't like to take real initiative when it comes to caring for yourself from what it sounds like. Try to go to a forum for help groups for this specifically, and they can refer you to a great doctor in the area. From my own personal experience I prefer going to psychiatric groups. They have a team as the other anon was saying he preferred. Therapists are bettEric than psychologists in my opinion, they tend to come off as more personable. You really need to start caring about yourself though, you also have much to offer for companionship, so don't try to be too hard on yourself or negatively judge others by your experiences.
>>675700560 >>675700187 (You) Yeah. I love to help others. But it's so easy to be used and I don't want to play "hard to get" help. But yeah, maybe a job where I risk my life would suit me. Maybe not a fireman. But I get to help and at the moment I don't really care if I'd die doing it
The point is : you're not useless if you help people. I personally find joy helping people. It's a proof you are honorable and right. The point is not about "being used" You do it for yourself first, and the others at the same time.
It's not buyable and the other cant steal it. It also makes you stronger once oyu realize.
>>675710816 Sorry to burst your bubble, OP. But I think there was a bit of truth to that. Maybe you need to find some real interests that make you happy, and more relatable so that you can have real friends who care about you and not just people who don't appreciate you and just piggy back off of your successes.
>>675707479 I've noticed that if I stop meditating, then my emotional sstate declines. Now, I can't claim to know everything in the world, so maybe there's a better way for you. I'm just refrencing my own personal experience.
>>675709394 Thanks man, I actually do feel like trying to find someone new. You're probably right about the burn out point. All but two of the people I've met have been really old actually. And the two young ones were the easiest to talk to and made me feel best. Just hope it won't take me 20 years haha
>>675709921 You really are exactly the type of person I don't want to connect with. You don't know anything about me except one bad aspect of my life, but you act like you're better than me. You have preconceptions and you're the one who's judging and generalizing. You point out several bad things but offer no solution or help in any way at all. Who's actually the whiny person here? The guy above your comment though are the exact opposite. Not judging, still helping. Trying to understand and solve a problem instead of just forcefully saying "You're wrong. You got to change"
>>675710685 I guess you're right. I really don't love myself right now. I'll check if there's some local forum like the ones you talk about. I don't wanna sound defensive. But I tried my best to take my responsibilities when I didn't get the callings. It just ended up crashing down and while I wasn't busy about thinking of the least traumatic way to find a corpse, it kind of discouraged me to keep trying when they wouldn't return my phonecalls or emails. But yeah, I think I'm ready to try again at the hospital where I live now
>>675711618 Like I said, I have friends. Not just that one really close friend. Finding interests isn't all that easy as it sounds. Believe me when I say I've tried finding new hobbies (and I've learned alot of new skills thanks to that). In the long run I think I get bored very easily and have to try something new. It takes up alot of energy that I don't have. But like I mentinoned earlier I like reading and watching movies or documentaries about people in worse conditions. Makes me feel better about my own situation
>>675700560 I don't sympathise with them, rather I wish they all died, any kind of sympathy towards them would be directed to how screwed up they would be in the head Eg Luka Magnotta, and the Daisy's Destruction Video
>>675712081 I'm just having a bit of fun with you. Mostly because I know you're highly unlikely to fix your problem. I feel that I should help, but at the same time I understand that solving the problem won't follow the script without any problems. There's also the factor that we're on 4chan and you're just an anonymous bitch nigger. In 20 minutes when this thread 404s, you might aswell be dead. I'll get off my high horse - but only for a moment. Because I can see far and wide from up here. Trust me, it's the best.
You fail to understand that the world doesn't rotate around you. Remember the rules from preschool? The boys who got all the girls, and the autistic faggots like yourself whom focused on some stupid shit? Remember the bullies? Anon, the world hasn't changed. All of these things have just gotten more complex. There's more depth in everything. But it's still all the same.
The fact that you've got some a doctorate and a wad of cash doesn't mean anything, because people still don't like you. You still don't understand the game and the chances are that you never will. They only like you for the stuff that you can provide them, because this is how society works. You're lonely and trading your skills for company and acceptance.
Anon. You're not interesting and you cannot justify a belief that you're superbly interesting just by being yourself. You have to atleast do something to improve your character and to make yourself more desirable to others. Note that desirable and useful are not one and same thing.
>>675712081 Well shit, aren't you just a bundle of sunshine. Lol. And you are defending yourself, which is good in a sense? I mean you have to take responsibility though. So what if they ignore you? Go get a new doctor, it's about you. They're health care professionals, not your rents. Learn when to give a shit and when to be like wtfever. If I can give you any other advice it's don't check yourself into a hospital or go to a hospital seeking mental help. If you do, you're probably going to set yourself up for failure. Seek a private practice group, much different...more feels.
Also, that's why I said "real friends." Yeah, that anon could've worded his post a bit differently, but I was being serious. Close friends are what you need/ real ones, not acquaintances. Quality, not quantity. People you can talk to about this kind of stuff. I mean I love watching movies too, but I have other things as hobbies that involve me actual doing things. Don't give up.(and it'll just add to your skill set lol) This is another thing that can lead you further down the black hole of depression. Monotony. I read that nurturing and creating can really help with depression. Even if you have to try a million things, just do it, until you find your niche. It will keep you busy. And you mention not having energy to do these things, we'll that's what depression does. I take 15mg of Prozac once a day, when needed...sometimes you don't always need them, but it's nice to have them when the shit hits me like a brick fucking wall of doom and gloom. I'm usually someone who's got her hands in everything. I can tell when I'm beginning to get in a rut again when I start to slow down and yada yada symptoms of depression. I just force myself to do these things even if I'm tired, if I'm sad, whatever.
It really shows that you haven't read all my posts because you're telling me to do things I already said I have done. But the thread is getting long so I can't really blame you. Just so you know you're having preconceived notions about me
>>675716846 >Selling something that is now legal to buy yeah I really ruined their lives with some weed every now and then. pic related
>>675697474 Real talk become a fucking hero. Go to the ghetto everynight and patrol for crime. If you get shot by some gang nug then who cares you were gunna die anyway but at least have fun and do something sick to die not just like a school shooter or a regular an hero thats lame
>>675717291 >takes things out of context I did read what you wrote, but I mean another one until you find the right one just keep switching because like I also said it's about you.
And now you're just getting upset because I'm saying that it will take a lot of effort. You came on here looking for advice. If you wanted a pity party then you should've said so because I loooove parties!
>>675697474 Im similar with you, just no money, but in wellfare state... Dont take meds man... i don't fucking trust psychatry anymore... therapy works nice... drugs can be usefull if you have serious mental problems... but mostly they shorten your life span... fuck i took SSRI for 1 year and ended up with an acute pancreatitis... im never allowed to drink alcohol again. Its a fucking joke whats going on... sometimes i really want to believe that there is a fucking conspiracy. In the end therapy can give oyu self realization, but you have to do exactly those tihngs you don't want to do. Its fucking ridiculous. they expect mentally ill people to do things like mentally normal people. If they cant they are labeled as Psychotic, Borderline whatever, get neuroleptics, which destroy the brain and reduce their lifespan. It is fucking ridiculous. Its like a conspiracy. They force people into doing at least something. If people would stop doing stuff those psychopaths who govern us would loose their power. Simple as that. So either you do contribute to slavery(regardless how much anxiety and shit you have) or dont do, stay on your own suffer your whole live, or be an hero, or become mass killer. That are the options in our so called free society nowadays. We aren't allowed to own land without paying taxes(at least in many european countries) we have to pay for our own existence. This is fucked up. And I also know there will be a civil war because of this kind of slavery. Maybe in our live times, maybe not. But we need one. There is a reason actors and movies often show the Pyramid... its not about telling us they are illuminati... The pyramid is a symbol of slavery. Its an artistic way of giving the viewer an information. You can see many of that stuff in american dad... either in an episode about wellfare money in a scene where stan stabs a Hobo who then gets up again and suddenly draws a pyramid with his own blood just to die again.
>>675717514 That's like saying kfc doesn't sell food if they have anything else but chicken on their menu
Anyway. This thread is derailing and I got the advice I was looking for. Kind of like panning for gold when you're asking for advice on 4chan though, gotta get through alot of dirt until you find any gold. Just happened to be lucky this time and found what I wanted.
>>675718531 So yes, the symbolism in Movies is real as fuck. And it is ther eto provide us a powerful message. And people wake up slowly. I have been in an organization that encourages people to wake up. The numbers are growing, especially in europe. The Civil war in europe won't be as bloody as the US, because we don't have that many guns. I wish we don't have one... but we need one. Democracy corruptet to a point where a revolution is necessary. Psychopathy is necessary for societies, they are like the preprogrammed death of cells, so new ones can come after it. We experience evil shit... everyone who suffers doesnt deserve it. But believ eme there ar epeople who are working on raising awareness... people are just so Terrified about the truth they escape into TV/PC/alcohol. If i hav eto predict sometihng civil war may take place sometime within the next 10 years
>>675719314 And thats what the many Stars are for... once shit is going down, they will be the Leaders of the resistance. They are the Faces of Peace. Trust them. Artists are the most empathic beeings on this world.
>>675719599 I WANT YOU, MY FRIENDS TO GATHER, FOR THE WAR THAT HAS TO COME, THE WAR TO END THE SLAVERY OF HUMANITY, THE WAR TO FACE REALITY AGAIN, WE DISCONNECTED OURSELFES FROM REALITY, AND WE REACHA POINT WHERE WE CANT KEEP RUN AWAY FROM OUR OWN SOCIETY. WE ARE AT A BOILING POINT. PREPARE GUYS. I AM FOR REAL AS I CAN BE.
>>675697474 This whiny babybullshit that people only like me cause of my money.. Is a symptom of low intelligence and extreme narcissism. You are a moron sir. Wtf does it matter why people like you. They only like me cause in funny.. They only like me cause im charming..they only like me cause im good looking. They only like me cause of my money. People like others for a wide variety of reasons. Only self involved unintelligent fags like you spend time searching for some sort of noble reason behind conecting with others. Hey loser who the fuck cares why people contect with you. Stop being such a dolt and enjoy yourself. Stop thinking you are smart enough to figure things out. Your so fucking stupid you want to kill yourself because your best friends liked you cause you had money. What if they like you cause you were a good time... And then you stopped being a good time. Of course the wouldnt like you anymore you fucking dense dolt. Grow up.. Grow a pair and stop your fucking whinning. If you want friendships built on something noble.... How bout you start by being a noble friend you dumb fucking cunt.
>>675720040 There is alot more symbolism in Movies than you think...starting from the blowing horn of apocalypse in the movie Inception, to newer movies... If I'm correct this is actually a symbolic countdown to the 12 Apocalyptic Riders. It is not the end of the world.... the world will be reborn. The US will fall, China will suffer the same Greed as the US did... Europe will have harder times, but happier ones, since they already seperated form their dependancy from oil. China might fall one day due to failed environmental policy... The 3rd World War won't be hot... Most countries will break from the inside, the lines will be blurry so noone dares to use Atomic bombs.
Soldier on. Even when life seems all set and done, no one knows what's ahead until they get there, even if at the moment what lied ahead turned out rather shitty. Your life sounds stable enough, and some would envy that. It means you can actually go outside and see what the hell's out there. You've undeniably heard it before, but it's all good, especially from your standpoint. But if you want actual answers, get a hobby, meet new people, rekindle old relationships. Be audacious and go out there and do whatever in the world you want to. Just be sure death's not a key factor in any of it, eh?
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