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ITT: we all work together

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 242
Thread images: 63

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ITT: we all work together
>>
>>658069638
Not you, you're fired for being a huge fag edgelord
>>
>>658069923
I'm good with that. If anyone needs me I'll be in the parking lot keying randon cars.
>>
>>658069923
Oh, by the way. I used your coffee cup ad an emergency toilet, and i looked up cp on your office computer.
>>
>>658070279
Dammit Carl ...
>>
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>>658070539
>>
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>>658069638
See you later Carl
>>
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Assistant Manager here, reminding you that we got goals to hit alright?

Also Sophie, don't tell me how to do my job.
>>
>>658069638
Who has my fucking stapler?
>>
>>658071250

Last I saw it, Bob was using it to staple his nuts to his desk again.

I'm gonna go rub one out in his thermos while he's distracted.

Oh, and totally unrelated, stay away from the cream filled donuts in the break room.
>>
>>658069638

This place blows. I quit, and I'm taking your shitty office plant with me.

Oh, and I fucked your wife.

Twice.
>>
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>>658071147
Excuse you? What did you just say to me? Get your cuck ass back to the manager's office so you can go suck his dick some more.
>>
>>658072150
Shut the fuck up, Sophie, you're not my wife, and you don't even know how to handle the coffee for the boss
>>
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*Emails pic related to everybody
>>
finish those files niggers? boss needs em in 2 hours.
>>
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>>658072150
Ssshhh ... Hear that ? That's the boss who need his morning blow'
>>
>>658072458
Got em right here anon
>>
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>>658072379
It's life's greatest mystery why these faglords ruin every thread with that banana. Maybe it's a missing chromosome that makes it funny, no one really knows for sure.
Quite possibly the un funniest thing that has ever existed. They show the banana to Guantanamo bay terrorist directly after water boarding and they immediately loose the will to live because it's so unfunny....
>> once you see the banana you loose a piece of the will to live each time.
>>it's that unfunny.
>>
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>>658072150
>>658072539
I'm waiting
>>
>>658072379
Who the fuck sent this?

Was it you anon?
>>
You guys are alright. Don't come to work tomorrow
>>
>>658072729
Keked
>>
>>658072571
alright good. not trying to be fucked in the ass by the boss like last time.
>>
>>658069638
Some of you guys know where the hell is the new coffe machine?
>>
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>>658072631
I did it last time, make Joe do it.
>>
>>658072729
thanks phil
>>
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>>658069638

>be me
>work with you guys
>show up pretty much everyday high on opiates
>smoke weed at lunch, xanax and some coffee in the afternoon
>get shit done efficiently and effectively, while having a good time
>occasionally bang office co workers, but not the crazy ones because don't want to get a sexual harassment lawsuit going. Stick to the ones with low self esteem, they'll keep their mouths shut.

Also:

>kylo ren and the chick are kids of Han and Leia.
>new death star being constructed disguised as a moon.
>both the chick and the black kid are jedi
>the bad guy is Luke, who destroyed all the sith, then became one, in order to restore balance to the Force
>Luke kills Han, no one knows this, except Han himself at the moment of his death.
>Luke is the bad guy. Luke is the bad guy. Luke is the bad guy.
>>
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>>658069638
I hate all you niggas
>>
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I sent you guys an email. Did you get it?
>>
>>658072827

Joe is home sick with AIDS. I got dibs on his office.
>>
>>658072802
in the back closet where Joe keeps his fucking cum rags
>>
>>658072871
>>658072379
Who the fuck is sending this shit, it was never funny, cut it out guys
>>
>>658072901
come on man you got dibs last time. share?
>>
>>658072981

The office or the AIDS?
>>
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>>658072901
You know it's filled with CP, right?
>>
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>>658072798
i'm fuckin sick of your shit. you're banned from HR department until further notice.
>>
>>658073210
>>
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Hey anon did you hear about anon's wife?

I hear shes a total bitch
>>
>>658073028
Not funny Jim, you already know I have aids. The office.
>>
>>658072729
Don't tell me what to do fag, and bring my lunch tomorrow
>>
>>658073210
Oh shit. That's where I left it?
>>
>>658073325
Is that why anon is getting no work done and coming here tired?
>>
Hey guys! It's my first day! Don't pull any practical jokes on me okay. XDD
>>
>>658073326

How could I not know? I gave it to you AND Bob at that team building seminar last summer. Nothing says teamwork like rotting away together!
>>
anyone seen my diapers? i need my diapers please someone find my diapers
>>
>>658073503

Joe was just an innocent bystander. Shouldn't have been swiping my needles.
>>
>>658073503
Really asshole? Just fucking let the whole office know?
>>
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>>658073399
Fred, you're the reason we can't have nice things.
>>
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>>658072729
just make sure you have filled all the necessary forms for the shooting.
>>
Guys i'm so fucking sexy today, you're all a bunch of faggots fedoras hentai fappers, fuck off.
Somebody brings me a coffe, quick
>>
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>>658073499
Anon into my office

Now
>>
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>>658073503
>>658073574
>>658073577
Well, now I know to stay away from you faggots. Have fun fucking eachother's assholes until you die of homo-disease.
>>
>>658073578

That wasn't what you said on that "business essential trip" to Taiwan last month. Should I forward a copy of the expense reports?
>>
>>658073499
As your first day, you need to clean up Joe cum rags storage
>>
>>658073677

That's insensitive and won't be tolerated around here. Check your dubs and clean out your desk.
>>
Why is there a hole in the middle of my sandwich?!
>>
>>658073269
there is very nice comic with rats representing kikes while cats are nazis

and brits are mb deers, polish are frogs etc.
>>
>>658073668
Okie dokie sir! Am I getting a raise? Hahahahaha, get it?
>>
>>658073768
That mayonnaise looked like a good lubricant!
>>
>>658073626
Go to take by yourself lazy faggots, we are working here
>>
>>658073677
Come on man you know he was just joking right! Ha..
>>
>>658069638
Move this whole convo to Slack.

Thanks guys.
>>
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>>658073687
Should I tell everyone that every man in China has a bigger dick than you?

>>658073755
Who says you can fire me? I'm the only one who does any work here. You guys are too busy jacking it to Fred's CP and fucking eachother's assholes.
>>
Would you all kindly shut the fuck up? I'm trying to sleep here.
>>
>>658073906
You wanna get fired cunt?

Wake the fuck up
>>
>>65807390
sleep is for the weak
>>
Hey guys don't tell the boss but.. that cereal he's eating right now? I came in it! LOL!
>>
When can I get full time boss?
>>
>>658073960

Look, asshole, I had a long night of drinking and beating my wife last night and couldn't sleep over the bitch's incessant sobbing. I just need like, 2 more hours.
>>
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I've been wondering if I should just focus on the importing and less on the exporting. Thoughts?
>>
>>658074140
Not my problem, take it to Steve
>>
The CEO just called, said he really really liked that picture and asked if he could save it.
>>
>>658074140

We don't pay you to fucking wonder. Get back to work.
>>
>>658074047
I put my dingleberries in his coca puffs already
>>
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LUNCH BREAK!!! post what you faggots are having
>>
>>658074234

Tell the CEO to go fuck himself in the ass with Jim's AIDS-infected cactus.
>>
>>658074401
I'm in the department that hasn't hit 9am yet.
>>
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>>658073800
Haha yeah...

*Slams door*

Alright lookie here you little shit

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO COME IN MY GOD DAMN OFFICE?!

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHO YOU ARE OR THE CUNT THAT ACTUALLY HIRED YOU BUT COMING INTO MY BUILDING WITH THAT 'xD' SHIT

HELL TO THE FUCK NO ANON

LET THIS BE A WARNING OR YOUR FIRED NOW GET THE FUCK OUT
>>
>>658074370
The boss is gonna love to hear about this.
>>
>>658074505

SECURITY! That lunatic fuck wad who thinks he's the boss is back in the building again!
>>
>>658074191
I thought Mr. Vandelay handled this?
>>
>>658074505
Oh boy, someone really must have got the boss angry this time
>>
ugh, my printer isnt working. is google down ?
>>
>>658074666

Listen, faggot, bring your trips to work day isn't until next week.

And Mr. Vandelay doesn't handle dick around here.

(No, really, the doctor said that rash on his hands is contagious, so he can't even handle his own dick...)
>>
>>658074464
I thought I told Jim it wouldn't work out well between him and the cactus after I picked out his ass thorns.
>>
EVAC THE LOCATION
THE NIGGERS HAVE BREACHED THROUGH AGAIN!
>>
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Anyone wanna lend me a sip of their coffee?

Plans for Christmas you faggots?
>>
>>658074881

Well, you know jim. Always the experimental type...

We're still in the red with printer ink after he tried giving himself a toner enema.
>>
I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm going to need the faggiest employee we have.
>>
>>658074505
Hey! You can't do this to me! My dad is a senator and knows the CEO so he'll sue you if you even think about speaking to me like that again!
>>
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>>658075105
you'll do
>>
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>>658074401
It's not even 11 am yet, you dumb piece of shit. Go back to eating your cheezits at your desk, autistic cunt
>>
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>>658075105
>>
>>658075022

I wouldn't lend you a punch in the mouth if I had a buy one, get one free coupon you whore.

Fuck Christmas and fuck you.
>>
JIM STOP BROWSING 9GAG ON COMPANY TIME
>>
>>658075052
>>658075105
>>658075153
He's dead everybody
>>
>>658075038
>in the red
>the red was in him
Dammit Jim.
>>
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>>658073800
Oh and another thing anon

I'm not checking shit, check them your god damn self

What a waste of dubs
>>
Gimme my stapler back!
>>
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hey guys Ted from accounting here whoever keeps pissing on the water fountain....let me know when so i can take pics
>>
>>658075317

I'll staple your goddamn tongue to your worthless excuse for a dick if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME SLEEP!
>>
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>>658075246
The fuck did you just say to me, shithead? You wanna get fired? Go back to working at McDonald's before you get thrown out of a 10 story building and get more brain damage, you fuckwit
>>
When are we having a bring your daughter to work day again? I'm asking for a friend
>>
>>658075442
Wait, weren't you just white?
>>
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>>658075497
Race be damned, niggah
>>
>>658075022
>>658075246
>>658075442

Awww... aren't office romances just adorable?
>>
>>658075428
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo
>>
Hey boss, can we have a pizza party for the Holidays?
>>
>>658075764
Sure but you cunts have to pay for it
>>
>>658075715

>You’re fucking dead, kiddo

No, I'm fucking dead kiddos, and what I do in my van during my break time is none of your business.
>>
>>658075812
I ain't paying shit
>>
>>658075812
I only like cheese pizza
>>
>>658075812
Cmon boss, don't be like that. Could you at least pay for drinks?
>>
>>658075940
Okey. You do you, pal
>>
>>658075633

Mary you fucking whore. I thought we agreed that between both our salaries you didn't have to strip anymore.
>>
>>658075812
Someone get some beer
>>
Hey guys, my name is David, and I'm very pleased to be aorking with you all :^)
>>
>>658076110

Fuck the beer. Do a line of this shit with me. We'll get all coked up and go grope that hot ass new secretary in billing.
>>
>>658076180

We already have a David. You're fired.
>>
>>658076252
Sure, I'm down for it. Which secretary? Kate?
>>
>>658076377
Hey I'm David, I quit. I'm going into trap porn.
>>
>>658076531
>>658076377
If David would like to still work here I can just go by my middle name, Dave! I don't want to rock the boat at all
>>
>>658076523

She has a name? Why?
>>
>>658076646

How about we just continue calling you Mr. Davidson to avoid confusion?
>>
>>658076675
You don't know her name?
>>
>>658076523
I can be your Kate. Just don't mind my feminine penis.
>>
>>658075951
>>658075956
>>658075988
Look, if you faggots aren't gonna pay for it then have the newfag I just talked to do it

>>658073800
>>658075105
>>
>>658076803
Sure thing!
>>
>>658076804

Why the fuck would I need that?

"Hi, I'm currently zooted out of my fucking skull and I do believe I'm about to squeeze your tits like a stress ball. Oh, by the way, what was your name again?"
>>
IT
Stop being massive faggots and fix the fax machine
-MGMT
>>
>>658076843
Close enough
>>
Why the fuck did that kike motherfucker get a promotion instead of me, I clearly am the better worker.
>>
>>658077029
You know how this works. Send a formal request through management just like everybody else. Otherwise fuck off.
>>
>>658077029

MGMT.

Stop being massive faggots and find yourself a real name for your band.

-IT
>>
>>658076992
Whatever. Let's do this
>>
>>658077143

He sucked better dick than you.

Also, protip : suckling dick in the mail room isn't going to get you much of a promotion.
>>
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>>658069638
How bout we fuck this guy with a brick? Or I mean "fuck up this guy with a brick"
Sorry just drinking my normal booze...I I mean coffee!!
>>
>>658077255
IT
Kek'd n checked
-MGMT
>>
For real tho. I need to copy something and the DAMN COPY MACHINE STILL DOESN'T WORK
>>
>>658077394
Obviously I don't have a thing for traps.
>>
>>658077550

FUCK YEAH BRICK PARTY!

you want some of this coke? We were just about to get all fucked up and go grope the new chick in billing. I guess her name is Kate or some shit.
>>
>>658077550
No need for lies. This is how we normally work anyway
>>
>>658077771
Yeah, it'll be fun. Just follow us into the break room
>>
>>658077867

Negative. Break room is currently on fire. Someone left a Crack pipe on the napkin dispenser again.
>>
Office Christmas Party on the top floor! Everyone is invited! (except anon)
>>
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>>658077771
Yeah shure let me kill a hooker first
>>658077789
Yeah true kinda like how niggers work on the street benches
>>
Uhhh, guys? We got a problem. The landscaping crew is waving signs about fair labor, and it looks like they're wheeling in a catapult.
>>
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Hey can someone call maintenance?
Shitters Clogged.
>>
>>658078054
To the janitors closet then
>>
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answer the damn phone
>>
I poured 5 gallons of Heroin into the water cooler
>>
>>658078378

Fuck it, where's that whore Mary. We'll just do lines off her ass.
>>
>>658078361
I think we killed the janitor. He died in the break room fire
>>
>>658078535
Anyone else coming with us?
>>
Hey guys, op here. Bad news. You're all degrnerate fucktards. So, we're bankrupt and out of business.
>>
>>658078543

He was old and bitter anyway. I should know. I ate three of his fingers.
>>
>>658078253
man the wall, light the pitch traps, unleash the hounds!
DEUS VULT!
>>
>>658078543
I'm guessing workers comp doesn't cover that...
>>
>>658078640
Were they any good? I hear they tasted like Doritos and sadness
>>
>>658078638

Fuck, man, we declared bankruptcy 3 years ago. This place has been running on drugs and debauchery since 2012!
>>
>>658078638
Ask the government for a bailout.
And more drugs.
>>
>>658078688
Shh. Those guys don't need to know about that.
>>
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>>658078361
Your welcome buddy here's a picture of my face while I was taking a shit
>>
>>658078361
Shitters been clogged since I started and that was 3 weeks ago, I think the maintenance guy quit after people just started shitting on the floor like Singapore does.
>>
>>658069638
OP, a guy at 10 Downing Street needs some company for the night, don't forget to take your pill
>>
>>658078777
Really? I was wondering why tyrone is hanging around the break room. Ok, never mind. Carry on.
>>
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Here is that file you asked for sir,hey by the way can i ask you your opinion on something? being the only femanon working this xmas season, think i should ask the boss for a raise?
>>
>>658078777
Don't forget trips. Almost half of our income is through gets.
>>
>>658078904
>Only one
Slut
>>
>>658078882
Get Kate from billing. I hear she has quite the "package"
>>
>>658078904
Actually, here's your notice of termination. Have a happy Christmas.
>>
>>658078928
Na man, 99% of our income is gets. The other 1% is Trap Sales
>>
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>>658078904
Do it now! Or do me!
>>
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*pins poster related to wall*
>>
>>658078987
You mean feminine penis, right? And I thought I told you his legal name was still Jeff!
>>
>>658078736

Yeah, definitely a hint of endless alimony checks and hopelessness.

>>658078928
I heard accounting was skimming off the top and cooking the books.
>>
>>658079096
Do you really think we care about that legal bullshit?
>>
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I think there's something going on in the basement guys
Guys?
>>
>>658079067

Thanks man. We just ran out of toilet paper.
>>
>>658078875
you mean all the filthy indian workers in singapore
>>
>>658079234
Fuck, is the meth lab starting to stank up the place again?
>>
>>658079234
Is your name Kate?
>>
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>>658079051
*goes to desk and passes out drunk and is sleeping ontop of all the work I've done like a bed*
>>
>>658079234
Oh that? That's just something I'm working on. Don't worry about it
>>
Hey guys listen up.

The HR department has a little training with us today. They're giving a presentation on sexual harassment, diversity, and statutes of privilege in society and workplace.

Everyone, get in the conference room.
>>
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>photocopied my butt a bunch of times
>realized they automatically send to everyone in the office
>mfw
>>
Boss, can we have a "Bring your gun to work day"?
>>
none of these pictures of "female professionals" are realistic.. in reality females have to work twice as hard to assure people that they're not the retarded feminists outside shouting for female rights, so they're ALWAYS tired looking and ALWAYS have bags under their eyes... want to end your career quickly or suck a dick at lunch time? wear too much makeup or anything other than a full shirt and a long skirt.. that's how it is in finance anyways, women are looked down on MORE because the rest of the gender is retarded..
>>
>>658079390
Wait, you actually did work?

HAHA HAHAHAHA HEY ANONS! THIS MOTHERFUCKER ACTUALLY DID SOME WORK!!!!!
>>
>>658079450
Hah. Gay.
>>658079360
No this is Kate
>>
>>658079469
Oh look! New fap material!
>>
>>658079450
*still sleeping snoring so loud that everyone can hear me*
>>
>>658079491
ps if you meet a female investment banker look out, because they're demons in female form
>>
>>658079450
Op here, Fuck that. I'm taking the company credit card and going on vacation.
>>
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New card...Whaddya think?
>>
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>>658079002
>implying you'rethe boss
Stop acting all high and mighty, women have it ten times harder in the work place with men always sexually harassing us. Now where is my raise?
>>
>>658079484
only if we also have "bring your kids to work" day on the same day.
>>
>>658079491
In the real world people dont give nearly as many fucks about gender as you think.
>>
>>658079506
I though I told you fuckers, until it is changed, we're still calling him Jeff.
>>
>>658079599
You're fired. Leave.
>>
>>658079506

Well... shit.

Fuck it. As long as she puts her pants back o , I'm still about to grope me some of that sweater meat.
>>
Alright fuckers, which one of you took my fucking stapler?!
>>
>>658079450
>>658079599
Are you here to give the training?
>>
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>>658079597
Woahhh...

Very nice
>>
>>658079504
*wakes up comes over too you and kicks you in the balls and walks to the conference room*
Amateurs!!
>>
>>658079633
Well, duh. I really want to shoot I MEAN show Jeff's kids my new assault rifle.
>>
>>658079672
Kekked so hard

I hope the office i work at after schook is as intolerant with kind of shit as you are anon
>>
>>658079270
Undderated post
>>
>>658079748
You going to the "cuck yourself" training anon?
>>
>>658079633

I like the way you think. Consider yourself promoted to "chief ammo hander outer guy."
>>
>>658079672
Oh no, anon is gone, i cry myself to sleep every night, i miss him so much;

False.

I do not miss anon.
>>
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Anyone need any copies made?
>>
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>>658079597
Nice but have you seen my card?
>>
>>658079415


>dont worry about it
>>
HEY GUYS NEED ME TO SIGN ANYTHING?
>>
>>658079909
Do you do 3D copies?
>>
>>658079506
>feminine penis
o rly
>>
>>658079854
No I'm going here so I can laugh at others and so you can go kill yourself also I'm done with work. *starts smoking cigar*
>>
>>658079973

Nope. Just 3bdsm copies.
>>
>>658079989
Its not gay if its a threeway
>>
Hey guys, i just recived an email from the excutives in New York. We are going to work in christmas.
>>
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>>658079973
As many D's as it takes, sir.
>>
>>658080095
Good. I have Sarah's dildo here and I need a copy of it to give to her so I can smell the original one when I fap.
>>
>>658079947
Yeah it friday and paychecks need to dispersed before lunch
>>
>>658079947
Sign your name on the bosses bald spot when he's not looking! You'll earn that spot of property on his head!
>>
>>658080089
nice did you hear about a christmas bonus??
>>
>>658080089

What the flying fuck is this "work" shit everyone keeps talking about?
>>
>>658080089
Double time right?
>>
>>658079563
>>
>>658079936
Let's see John Cena's card
>>
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>mfw the auditors are here and I'm the only one working
>>
>>658080281
Kek
>>
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>>658071250
>>658075317
>>
>>658080327
What work?
>>
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>>658080170
>>
>>658080273
no we need to make wallstreet's EOY numbers so we can't pay you for working, but we need you in if you want a job for 2017-1
>>
>>658080281

Now that's just unsanitary, and with the janitor being dead and half eaten, I'm going to have to insist you clean that up yourself.
>>
Who's wiping their ass on the bathroom wall? Please check if there's toilet paper before you sit.
>>
>>658080327
Dont worry I will nobly sacrifice myself for everyone
>>
>>658080327

The auditors are here to score more coke, you brown nosing shitstain.
Thread posts: 242
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