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Hello /b/, let's share our shameful clumsy sex stories.

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 105
Thread images: 18

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Hello /b/, let's share our shameful clumsy sex stories.

>be 20
>been datin this 7/10 girl for a wile now
>going down on her
>she is sitting on an office chair, Im on my knees
>she orgasms and closes her legs hard on my head
>she hits my ears with her tights, I stutters me
>trying to breathe, I get a mouthful of pussy
>she grabs my head and pushes me further while cumming
>I turn blue and pass out
>wake up a few minutes later, she's crying next to me and apologises every 10 seconds
>never went down on here again

Let's read yours
>fucking OPs mom
>9 months later OP was born
I regret it every day of my life
I would, but I don't have any. Because I have no sex stories. I never had sex.
I'm a virgin.
before someone asks, sauce of that comic is oglaf.com
i think you kinda failed the joke there. the point is that you're fucking his mom when he's already born - and you're not his dad, which technically makes his mom a whore. otherwise you're just his dad and... well... that's not offensive.
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>Oglaf thread?
Oglaf Thread
Also, bump.
It is to me
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Which one is your favorite char?

I'm between these two...
I ate some spicy soup.

I don`t know, how many scoville I put into the soup, but for me, it was hot as hell.

I finished the soup, but didn`t notice the hot sauce on my finger tips.

Le sexy time comes shortly after...

Readying my dick, it burns like hell.

I run to the shower, yelling at my GF to bring cocoa butter.

Somehow the pain went away.

What a relief.

Scratching my eyes and here we go again!

I got a BJ once and the bitch was chewing some sort of very strong mint

My dick got cold as fuck but I came anyways
> be 20
> be fucking 10/10 goddess because for some reason I had no trouble picking up chicks when I was younger
> still live at home
> my room is down in the basement
> have SEVERE arachnophobia
> been massaging, teasing and caressing grill on my bed for 15 mins, she is ready
> she twists around and pushes me back on the bed and gets on top of me, dick is diamonds
> aww yiss, dis gon b gud
> at this moment I spot a dark patch on the wall next to my bed
> wut?
> look over
> biggest fucking spider I've ever seen in my entire life on the wall merely inches from my head(live in Sweden, shit is not common)
> Instapanic.jpg
> toss the grill off me rather harshly in my escape
> she slams into my bookshelf and all the shelves come crashing down on top of her
> I dont notice, already bolting up the stairs with only a tiny towel I managed to grab, covering my junk
> mum hears the commotion, comes out of her room
> I'm standing there semi-naked and she can hear the moans of pain from grill downstairs
> gives me the "wtf have you done now" look that only mothers know
> I explain I saw a spider on the wall and things may have gotten out of hand
> she goes downstairs to deal with probably very pissed grill and spider from hell
> no fucking way I'm going down there until the threat is neutralized
> grill broke her collarbone
> taxi to the hospital
> no sexy times for a week
> thanks alot spiderfaggot
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Dude! I'm sure the spider was there just to cheer you up...
Nah dude, nasty fucker.
If spiders had criminal biker gangs he'd be president of a chapter.

Anyways, fucker died. Mum took a wad of paper and smushed the fuck outta him.
Good riddance.
Did you still fuck dat 10/10 goddess?
>down on here
The black chick is hot and the apprentice is hilarious, but I think he got killed off. The dwarves are awesome too and that one guard that hates fun. Sithrak's proselytizers are awesome as well. Abrahamic God is great too.

The guy who makes this is a fucking god.
We fucked plenty of times before and after incident. But she was kinda pissed I just darted out of the room after breaking her collarbone, so didn't get no action for about a week. Oh well, porn was available back then as well.
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>being incapable of breathing through your nose
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>be me
>First year on college campus
>meet 10/10 girl at party
>text her and go on multiple dates with her
>goes surprisingly well, as she is 10/10 and I think I have no chance of getting with her
>decide to go to her dorm room and bring drinks and watch Netflix on like 7th or 8th date
>bring some vodka
>we both drink, she says she doesn't want too much and gives me her cup
>end up getting pretty fucking drunk
>decide "fuck it" and try to make out with her
>she's totally into it
>we make out and she starts taking off her own clothes and mine
>"I've been waiting for this to happen" she says
>we get completely nude, go up to her bed
>im rock hard and ready to fuck
>she asks me if I have a condom
>"y-yeah it's in my backpack"
>get condor from backpack, unwrap it, etc. etc.
>takes a good 2 minutes to get condor and get back up to her bed
>about to put on condom
>.... oh fuck
>dick is soft
>dick is softer than soft its completely flaccid
>I experience whiskey dick for the first time in my life, and it happens when I'm with my 10/10
>she tries to put my flaccid dick in her, obviously doesnt work
>she sucks it
>we try everything
>it simply will not get hard
>get really nervous and through an unfortunate turn of events end up biting the bridge of her nose and knocking over her entire bookshelf
>end up just getting up and leaving
>never talk to her again

I actually really liked her too. Just kill me tbh fam

>Got a nice 19 yo chubby qt 3.14 home
>She is fucking nasty and loves kinky stuff. ie: handcuffs, dildos, DD, etc
>Got her tied like a pig in heat, hand behind her back, legs tied together, gigantic round ass pointing the skies, buttplug, the whole deal
>Got back from a year in the army so my dick was glowing red
>It's pork and beans time you fat bitch
>Started pounding her like a maniac, pushing my dick and the buttplug deeper with each thrust
>She started to scream, like really screaming in pain/pleasure which made me go even more berserk
> Knocking on the door, wtf I thought I was alone
>Who the fuck is it!? Leave us alone!
>No response
btw, we were at my brother's house. I have a room there but I told him about the girl and how I was going to fuck her so I was sure we were alone
>Enraged and fully erect, pull off and go to the door
>Got my feet tangled on the sheets
>Fall like a moron and tried to climb back up grabbing the side of the bed
>Hear a loud KREEEEEEEK and all of a sudden the bed breaks, the side legs gave up
>Wood everywere, the fat bitch rolled to the floor like a gigantic ham
>Door opens, a kid, no more than 6 or 7 yo stare at us
>mfw it was the kid of my brother's GF and he never mentioned her I was back in town
On mobil cant green text so
Be me 16 at time
Kinda of weird
Can talk to girls and people
But intimate stuff i fall apart
Start talking to complete butter face one day
I mean 10/10 neck down but a 6 in the face she has boyfriend blah blah blah
Her and her boyfriens get in fight one day
Shes crying i swoop in
She says "hey anon can i go to your house to hang out"
I say duh of course
Blah blah get home
Where chilling
I tell her i have a box of playboys from 80s and 90s lots of them
We start looking at them
We start talking all of a sudden we making out
I ask her every step like a complete virgin
Have trouble getting her bra off
She keeps telling me im a bad kisser
I get really nervous
Making out naked she ask am i hard yet i say no
Cause im extremly nervous
Ask her if i can go down ill get hard she says no its been a hot day
She wont give head
Long story short i couldnt get it up no sex no money and im still a virgian some one fuck me
for future reference faggots, if this happened, go down on her, give her a really good time and save yours for later. worked for me, will work for you... that's what saving accounts are for

Thank you for posting that pic. I flickin´ lost so hard, can´t even find the words to discribe. You made my night, based anon!

I now shall share my stories of shame:

>be me
>be drunk as fuck
>have this coworker next to me, she has had a crush on me for ages
>spiced vodka comes around
>let it rock baby
>go home
>she goes down on me
>I pass out
>wake up hours later, burning, sour stench coming up
>mfw she fucking puked on my dick, m entire bed, everything
>she passed out, too
>go to shower, clean myself, take the unconscious grill to shower, clean her, clean the bed
>put her next to me, start sleeping
>wake up later
>she´s sucking me, again
>long story short: Le second attempt was successful.
>bonus points: She couldn´t remember our first try.

>be me
>have huge crush in philosophy-class
>don´t see each others for years
>meet up years ago, totally wasted
>take her home
>she gets own on me
>awww yiss, finally
>so overwhelmed, I just turn aside and puke the living crap out of myself
>she burts out in laughter
>stating: "Boy, as a paramedic, I´ve seen some shit but this is outrageous!"
>she cleans up, tucks me in my blanket, lies next to me, still laughing
>she got married two weeks later
>we´re all good
>one day at a random get-together, her husband was tanked to the max and started bursting out embarrasing sex stories
>mfw me and her looked at each other, bursting out laughing
>nobody knows but us.

I´ll now have another glass of wine, gentlemen.
The apprentice is not dead, he is in some kind of magic coma. The author confirmed he will be back sometime in the future.

The Vampire Slut (the black chick) is great for how stupid and lay back her life is.

Fuck all the characters are great... The Snow Queen is also one of my favs.
>can't get it up

You're in for some dark days anon
>Attend Boarding school
>Get "Girlfriend"
>5 Months pass
>Time for sex
>Get ready
>She undresses
>We use our hands, just to get used to it
>We go to oral
>Finally time to bang her
>Slow start
>Keep going
>Getting close
>Teacher bangs through the door
>Stop and hide under the blanket
>Everyone hears
>Get fired as principle
Take that glass of wine and return to reddit
nice meme

> be me
> be 5 year old slider living in some Swedish dude's basement.
> Swedish dude starts banging his 10/10 on bed while I watch.
> omgshitisgettingreal.org
> Dude sees me and throws 10/10 into bookshelf while running up the stairs
> feelsbadman.jpg
> 10/10 approaches and lays down next to me.
> "what long legs you have"
> Bang 10/10 on Swedish dude's bed
> Break 10/10's collarbone in the process
> Swedish dude posts story on /b and finds out about me and 10/10
> kek
the dwarves all the way.
i mean wtf.
i'd read a whole book with them.
You motherfucker!
I feel so betrayed...
As I see, my time has finally come;

>be me at University
>got depressed, but I met a girl who helped me overcome depression (my ex dumpped me in the worst possible way and I was stupid enough to be in love at the time)
>we start fucking, she is a 7/10
>one day, she tells me she wants a threesome, because she wants to have 2 guys fucking her at the same time
>I only accept because she never let me do anal, and she promisses I'll have her ass if I accept
>I get too nervous, so I decide to drink cheap rum to get drunk and go easier
>everything starts wonderfully, the other guys is also nervous and it's his first time too, but we get along and start doing her
>suddenly everything goes to black and I only remember throwing up, turning the whole room into a mess (mote room) and be crying for some stupid reason
>It turns out, the rum was really shitty, and I had no alcohol resistance, I started slapping her too strong, we had to stop and then I started talking about how much I missed my ex girlfriend, how I must've ruined everything for her to dump me and how everything was shitty
>RI ruined her big moment, I got the hatred of the other guy and I was never allowed to return to that motel again, I also lost my wallet with all my documents there.
Completly true, was drunk & horny as hell, impossible to get hard but went down on her "Holy shit that was so cool, hope we gonna do this much often" Now gf
I don´t get it.

You guys need to either not drink before snu snu or to hold your liquor, jeez
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>It's pork and beans time
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Got you covered, champ

No shit.
What's the name of this comic?
It's a trick you use for smelly dicks
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>be me, chilling with friends
>6/10 girl I know there chilling. I am aware she wants my dick but usually I can repel her advances
>snort 30 mg oxycodone & 4 mg xanax
>drink vodka
>remember being in friends car with 6/10 piggy
>fuck for 5 min she moans like a fucking ape being exposed to nerve gas
>suddenly overcome with fatigue due to drugs
>pass out
>come out of black out a few hours later at friends house
>piggy there
>keeps looking at me funny
>ask her wtf she's staring at because no inhibition (xanax)
>says I started snoring while sex and she broke down crying, I'm really rude, etc etc
>haven't talked to her again. But kekd every day since
hues for days
>at a party at university
>girlfriend and I sneak off
>fuck I'm the library.
>on the hard, Lino floor
>me on top.
>had lots of booze, took me ages to cum
>pound her hard
>her back totally fucked for the next week
>girlfriends into kinky stuff
>have her tied up on my bed, face down, ass up
>like to rim her, use fingers occasionally
>never do anal
>push head of cock gently against her asshole
>she pushes back, moans with pleasure
>push a bit harder, not going in
>tense cock hard, suddenly the whole thing disappears up her ass, to the balls
>her moan becomes a guttural grunt of pleasure
>fuck her hard for about 2 minutes
>cock covered in shit
>never do anal again
Just got first proper gf
Not underage and not a total neet, actually rather charismatic and decent ottetrmode body its just I have always been shy as fuck when it comes to intimate stuff.
Either way stuff is getting heated after 3 days together (we live close so are catching up most days)

any tips on how to progress, so far it has not gone beyond groping da tiddy and rubbing against eachother.

Dont know why the fuck im asking b but hopefully i can learn from some of your guys mistakes
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>be me, few months ago
>wedding of a cousin
>been here with my sis, we knew each other for few years
>sometimes we kissed
>we got totally drunk on the wedding
>gone to the park near the wedding house
>kissy kissy, titty grabby
>Anon, let's drink more
>we got even more drunk
>Polish vodka the best
>Anon, i'm tired, let's go to the car
>I asked my mom for the keys, she agreed
>we sit in the car for about 3 minutes
>started to kiss and cuddle moar
>she grabbed my beniz
>beniz was unstoppable even when totally drunk
>we tried to fuck
>i put beniz into her once
>phone ringing
>I answer and hear voice of mom:
>Anon, you know that it's pretty bright here
oh shit haha
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>stuff is getting heated after 3 days together

Stop, anon I can't take it.
are you fucking autistic m8?
>Broken Dick
>Shy chick nervously masturbating in public

Im so conflicted.
enema maybe?
I had to run out of a bitches back door with my pants around my ankles before.
kek'd hard
>be fucking fuck buddy
>fuck buddy is small asian girl
>fuck buddy weighs in at 95 lbs
>fuck buddy is flexible
>i have fuck buddy pretzled up on the counter and i'm standing with one leg on a chair and other foot on the floor
>basically slamming her with everything i've got
>bout to cum, not allowed to cum inside, very important rule to her and important to me because i know she's shit with remembering her pills
>getting close
>super sweaty
>she's about to cum too
>decide i'm going to hold back and finish her off before i pull out and soak her
>gonna be a close one, timing is important
>she's just about to get off
>i'm just about to get off
>she's cumming
>i'm about to
>move hand for leverage so i can pull out and aim with the other one
>turn foot, sweaty patch makes me slip
>one foot up, one slides back
>fall forward completely
>cumming in her now, feels like a massive load
>can't get a grip on anything, still stuck with foot back
>completely fill her up
>pull out, biggest load of my life runs out of her
>she's piiiiiisssed
>walk her down to get plan B a couple hours later
>hang out at a girlfriends house one night
>her parents are leaving for dinner
>they're OK with me being there without them
>probably figure we're gonna do whatever anyway
>were up in the bedroom when they leave
>hear them leave drive away, game on
>fuck like rabbits
>I pull out and cum on her tits and face
>she liked the mess
>as I'm cumming parents pull back in
>ah shit
>she dashes to the bathroom
>I get dressed and sit on the messed up bed
>her father comes up stairs
>comes into the bedroom
>gf yells had to pee
>I get the biggest shiteye of my life
>he storms out
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>be me
>be spider
>have to watch this greasy fuck masturbate for months on end
>one day he brings home this gorgeous girl with ass and tits from heaven
>they start going to town
>i move closer so i dont miss any of the action
>fuck yeah this was worth all the months of eating the silverfish this idiot cultivated in his cummed in socks
>suddenly he spots me and goes all sperglord
>his gf is kill
if it makes you feel better, this has happened THE LAST TWO GIRLS I've been with. One last weekend and some girl this summer. Sure sucks when that happens.

Still a virgin because of it, I could do with some good sex-experience by now, I'm fucking 19 and pull bitches like they were leaves from the trees
>I'm on mobile can still purple text

> Le sexy time
are you like 17 years old?

just get your dick out and say "all yours cunt"
Check'em the trips. Also good bedtime story
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Det var sku da en god historie.
Is op
Flippin' hell, it's dark as fuck in my room, lurkin' at midnight
>>never went down on here again
Why the fuck not?
>First day of economics class, this absolute goddess walks in. I am immediately in love/lust.
>All year long I lust after her HUGE. Have to meet her somehow.
>One day she walks up to me in the library and introduces herself.
>She's super nice. She says that she has wanted to meet me and asks if I would like to go out some time.
>It's Friday, we're both going to be away for the weekend, so we set up a date for the next week.
>HOLY FUCK did that just happen! I'm walking on air!
>Go to a conference on the weekend almost 200 miles away. Get drunk, and meet this really cute little blond.
>WTF, giddy-up. We have crazy sex, including really wild anal, sex talk, and spanking.
>Next morning she says, "Hey I'm meeting my best friend for breakfast, wanna come?"
>Sure, what the hell? Walk into the restaurant. FUCK!!! Her best friend is the girl from university.
>Date does not happen.
>fuck I'm the library.
Have a similar one

>Been dating a nice blonde girl for a month
>Kinda shy girl but nice once trust settles in
>Be at her place
>Make out in sofa
>"Anon, let's move to the bed, shall we?"
>Awwwww yiis
This is when everything goes downhill
>Getting up, I suddenly feel like crapping
>We got mexican so I know is going to be a massive tidal wave of liquid shit
>Ask directions to the bathroom
>The place is so girly. Pink everywhere, the john has one of those fluffy covers, pink of course
>Sit on it
>I shoop da woop up my ass
>Like, massvie pressure, like a firehose of shit
>Smelly mexican food shit paint the toilet brown
>The place smelled like an abandoned post-nuclear Taco Bell bathroom
>I clean the best I can and exit
>Her apartment is small, so the whole place smells like putrid insides
>We get it on eventually
>She barey moves, she doesn't moan or anything, feels like fucking a breathing real doll
>Ask her what's wrong
>"You stinked the place, anon!"
>The statement, the smell and her attitude made me kinda limp but I managed to cum anyway
>Pull of, limp dick, lost condom inside her
>2 AM, trying to find an open ppharmacy to buy abortion pills

Worst date ever.
She was all seizure-like whenever cumming. I didn't want toget suplex'd or something.
> Make out in sofa
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post pic!
>a paramedic
>puking is the most outrageous thing she's seen
What kind of half-assed EMT is this bitch?
Of what?
>be 19
>have girlfriend of one year
>move into own apartment together
>ever since we met at 17 ive been wanting anal
>finally talk her into anal when we're around 18
>fuck yeah
>fuck her anally every time i get to, about two times a week
>i get addicted, dont wanna fuck her pussy ever since
>fuck her ass so much she looses control of assmuscle resulting anal leakage
>tells me we cant do anal anymore
>break up with her tells her to move out
>mfw i broke up with the love of my life because i broke her ass and not getting to fuck it anymore
I think she meant that it is quite outrageous to have puking as a reaction on oral
Or she was offended because she though that anon thinks she is so bad that he literaly pukes.
either black chick or snow chick

She got married roughly two weeks after, which basically means she´d been together with this guy while whoring around... ´nuff said ´bout that bitch.
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>find some asian slut at a club
>ask if her interests are manga and anime
>she complies and says yes
>fond for fuck?
>she complies
>take back to friends apartment
>have already consumed mass amounts of vodka
>also double dropped and railed some ecstasy
>take asian slut into toilet to commence sexual intercouse
>dick is so soft it wont get hard
>grab her tit and put her infront of me
>slide hands down boobs to her waist
>still not hard
>shes a qt 9/10 jap slut which is one of my fetishes
>she must be virgin cause she aint going down to give me head
>dick softer than marios giant red hat
>take her into living room and slam her on the couch
>go down on china town and eat her ass out
>she cums and moans like japanese pornstars do
>still not hard
>pass out on knees with my face inbetween her legs

Shit was so cash
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You can, you know, read the comic. It's great.

Anyway, here's the Snow Queen. Whoever makes her cum brings the Spring to her domains. The Dorfs got her better than anyone.
>be me
>girl at work with immense knockers giving me the signs for some time
>hook up with her and get back to my flat
>flatmates supposed to be out
>hear chatting as soon as I barge in with the lust of a thousand roman gods
>okay lets grab the car and go fuck somewhere out in the sticks
>drive for 10 mins or so
>park the car, clothes fly off and two titties the size of jupiter pop out
>epic titjob ensues
>time to fuck her blue
>"anon I gotta go pee, turn the lights off ill be back in a sec"
>total darkness
>she pops out and I notice the dumb bitch decides to go in front of the car to take a piss
>my hand is still on the light switch
>I suddenly flash the beams like a machine gun right into her face
>the look of a scared deer on her is priceless
>she flips over and lands on her back, those two tits flopping like whales jumping out of the atlantic
>get out of the car and go check on her
>see her shaking like crazy
>foam dripping out
>seizure so hard it measures on the richter scale
>call ambulance
>never talk again
That's shameful enough.
>Still a virgin
>pull bitches

One of these is a lie. And you're clearly a virgin.
>Going birthday
>I meet girlfriends
>we start with a drink in the tent
>we remain drunk
>begin to kiss
>I try breasts
> take naked
>gonna make a tongue
>I try to put a penis in her pussy
>anon, you need to use a condom
>go camping next to where my friend is sleeping, naked
>"Hello I am a man, lend a condom"
>I get condoms
>put the condom on before entering the camping
>girl sleeps
they are kind of gay
And ? What happened next ?
Fucking kek
ok ok what I meant was I'm quite able to get in bed with a girl, naked.
nothing man, i try wake up but she didnt
So you spooned her, told her I love you and went to sleep ?
I wish that someday it will happen to me too :/
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I have one of a friend of mine and me.
>got to know each other on common friend's party
>I daringly put my arm around her, put my head on her boobs. She lets me.
>later hear she´s got a bf, but its an open relationship n she wants to fuck me
>she goes on holidays for 2 weeks
>text erryday
>also some sexting happens.
>eventually she comes home.
>immediately meet for a date
>awkwardly talk
>no real topics except her dead mum
>go home to my place
>drink some more
>its awkward. Usually I wait for the right moment to kiss a girl when the date goes well.
>here I already know she wants me to, but the moment is not there
>eventually kiss her
>its awkward, but undress her anyways
>can´t get my boner up, partly cuz I was donating blood a short time ago
>partly cuz i have an amazing fuckbuddy with an amazing body
>with her its not awkward
>try to get it up, but really nervous
>very awkward, she asks me whats wrong
>never happened to me
>it doesn´t help that she wants to be dominated
>she just lays there, does nothing
>turns out I like rough sex but only when there is no power discrepancy
>I am a total pussy and want the girl to like me too, to show me she likes me, to stroke and pat me.
>she does nothing like that, just lays there, lets me do everything but does nothing herself except moaning
>just go to sleep.
>next morning, have morningwood
>we fuck, but its just okay, not amazing
>she still requires me to fuck her hard, slap her without doing anything herself
>not my thing
>just fuck her slowly
>afterwards she asks me why I didnt do as she asked.
>answer: Well, the true sadist doesn´t torture the masochist. Thats worse torture.
>bring her to tram
>meet friends of hers on the way
>again awkward cuz she doesn´t want them to find out she cucks her bf

>Fucked her once more cuz rebound
>friendzoned her.
No trips newfag
Your an asshole
Another one which wasn´t quite as awkward:
>be me, be 25, doing dancing lessons
>one spanish chick whith whom I always dance also after class has the hots for me
>tells me of how she cucks her bf with an open relationship he doesn´t want
>last friday dance pretty close, kiss, make out
>go to her place
>its not really awkward, we know whats gonna happen
>only I don´t have condoms with me. Fuck. I alway carry condoms.
>in front of her door ask her whether she has some.
>says yes. Go inside
>we go to the toilet make out some more
>she starts undressing me
>I notice I can´t get it up
>tired, drunk, and now nervous
>tell her I just want to sleep n cuddle
>some serious cuddling ensues
>we sleep.
>next morning slowly wake up
>start making out again (without kissing cuz morning breath)
>I go down on her
>get it up
>she blows me
>put the condom on
>lose the boner
>try putting it into her
>nervous again
>just kinda cuddle again
>she is very relaxed and reasonable about everything
>eventually get a boner again, condom is still on
>we fuck really good.
>get up, breakfast
>get a pet out of it cuz her roommates caught a mouse
>mouse ran away in my room
>waiting now for it to be stupid a second time and going into the trap again.

Any tips on how to catch that fucker?
its really honoring its name, which is medea. Crazy bitch.
File: 1385596871571.jpg (19KB, 394x394px) Image search: [iqdb] [SauceNao] [Google]
19KB, 394x394px
bump. really need help.
Drunk. Brush teeth. Slut gf. Missionary. Drool on her face. She leaves.
The Stand.
Thread posts: 105
Thread images: 18

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