Give me your worst jokes /b/ OFFEND ME FAGGOTS I DARE YOU

>grand blanc

Why am I not surprised this is in Michigan

what is the last thing that went through the sandy hook victims heads? you know besides bullets

>>602842960
Kek

>>602843065 people say Robin Williams was a great comedian but i hear he choked in his last act

>>602843580
Omg I laughed like a retard

>>602843580
what do Hitler and Boston marathon runners have in common? niether could finish a race

>>602843761
i memorized dozens of fucked up jokes to make family dinners with my girlfriend extra uncomfortable

What's another name for a cop car? A black taxi

>>602844232
That was pure gold man. 10/10

whats the difference between Madilane Mchan and Pope John Paul the second? the pope died a virgin

Whats the difference between a tire and a nigger?
A tire does not start singing soul when you put them in chains

whats the difference between a teenage girls face and a toilet? R kelly doesn't know the difference either

you know you're girlfriend is to young when you have to make airplane noises to stick your dick in her mouth

>>602845321
KEK

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>>602844232
Are you me?

A girl asks her friend how her weekend was: "Oh I ended up having sex..." "What was it like?" "A bit like the Olympics 100m final." "He finished in under ten seconds?" "No - it was ten black guys and a gun."

>>602845569
maybe?

>>602845321
Jimmy Carr :-)

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until a boy is 12 before coming on his face

>>602845632
Hey, nine out of ten people people enjoy game rape.

not fucked up but i love it
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish" Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright".

how do you know when your sister is on her period?
>dad's dick tastes wierd

>>602845785
yup Jimmy Carr is great

How do we know princess Diana didn't have dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove box.

>>602846061
First one in a long time that i didn't hear.
Kek'd

my little daughter recently started asking embarrassing questions about sex. last night she asked: "Dad, is that all you can do?"

>>602846769
i have momless to thank for that where i got most these jokes i copy pasted them into a word document

What’s the difference between a baby and an bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

obligatory

The worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic, is having to go in and ask for a coat hammer.

>>602847720
>coat hammer

>>602848026
>coat hammer

please excuse my friend. he's acoustic.

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>>602841636
The Aristocrats joke told by Doug Stanhope is pretty fucked/hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKGuh44_LBc

>>602848026
What, you never heard of a coat hammer?

What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
-Putting the diaper back on it.

>>602848180
>acoustic

it's artistic, friend.

Africa desperately needs more mosquito nets, so we can stop millions of mosquitoes dying of aids.

>>602848026
Fukken autocorrect!!

Hammer
Hammer
Arrgghhhhhh.

Fsil.

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.
When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

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>>602845632
never heard that one before. much kek, anon.

What's the hardest part of walking through a field of dead babies?
-My erection

>>602847720
>>602848026
>>602848180
>>602848272
>>602848418
the responses were better than the joke.

>>602844232
same here. mostly just to fuck with ppl. the older i've gotten, the more more i enjoy pissing ppl off.

>>602846099
that's a really bad joke actually

What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple?
They both disappear after a hot shower.

>>602845569

why is this picture getting me hard right now?....

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

>>602849127
Fucking edgelord

>>602846472
oh my word. kek

What's the best part about raping a baby?
It makes your dick look HUGE!

whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I never paid 50 bucks to have a lentil on my face

Why do Japs have slanted eyes? they're still squinting from the blast

Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
One stops sucking when you slap it.

What's that Joker, "you'll be back"?

Somehow I don't think you will.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
You know she'll swallow.

>>602845973
>people enjoy game rape
>game rape
>game

You just lost

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

Why do black people play basketball?
They can run, shoot, and steal

>>602849646
Me too

>>602850907
christianity.txt

How many jews can you fit in a car?
5. Two in the front and 3 in the back, because the holocaust never happened.

What do you do after you liked a completely smooth vagina? Put the diaper back on

How do you say goodbye to a hundred thousand Indonesians? With a big wave

Nobody can touch this young Russian gymnast.

Except her coach.

>>602850709
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
>neither have they

What was good about the million man march? Only three people missed work.

What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
The woman.

How to cure autism?
-feed it bleach

>>602851142
How do you liked a smooth vagina?

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in the the chicken...

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit

>>602851354
these 2 jokes man..:MOAR

How many black people does it take to start a riot?
-1

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea.

What do you get when you piss off the Queen?

Killed in a tunnel car crash.

>>602849170
You are correct.

>>602841636
This one always gets me, i can always appreciate the rare nigger that is actually witty

>>602852114
Took me a second. Best one of the night.

What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen?

Tighten the chain

Why do they have gates around graveyards?
Because people are dying to get in.

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>>602851354
it would be funnier if Ethiopian food wasn't so damn delicious.
...must be why they ate all of it back home.

What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, Can you put me up for the night?

>>602843580
Bitchez call my dick Robin Williams, cause im hung

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you've already told her twice

>>602842017
Because the midwest is all freaks

>>602851564
Do you wanna hear a joke?
Women's Rights.

>>602852452
You crossed the line, asshole.

That's just fucked up.

How do you say goodbye to 250,000 Indonesians?

With a big wave

What's the difference between rape and necrophila?
About 5 minutes

>>602852640
I woke up this morning to see everyone's Facebook status' saying stuff like, "RIP. You were so funny to watch and listen to".
Is Stephen Hawking dead?

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
Yeah, they named it, Sum Ting Wong!!

>>602852918
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1

>>602842017
>>602852783

freaks? we're mostly a bunch of uninteresting, overly modest people. VERY boring.

>>602852918
What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A pounding sensation in the ass.

>>602851142
>Implying I've never fucked an incontinent adult.

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>>602852842
I would laugh, but misogyny is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls?
When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

>>602842960
"I don't want to eat the crusts"

>>602853196
How long does it take a black lady to give birth?

9 months.

The Sheriff's department confirmed Robin Williams was found with a belt around his neck.
He must have died doing an impression of Simon Cowell.

What's long and hard on a black man?
The first grade.

>>602852179
a joke that only works in New England

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Aids.

>>602849170
It was hilarious, faggot

>>602853528
They pronounce deer like dea?

What's the hardest part if seeing someone die?
My dick

>>602853716
car = caw
park = pawk
deer = deeyuh

So two cocks walk into a bar.
The bartender turns around and says "why the long face?"

Whats blue and shiny and sits in the corner?

A dead baby with a plastic bag tied over its head.
Whats green and stinks and sits in the corner?


The same baby 3 weeks later.

What's the worst part of eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?
Slap her.

How many babies does it take to paint a house red?

>depends on how hard you throw them

This thread.

How do you get a nigger out the tree?
>cut the rope

What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?
>a pizza doesn't scream in an oven

What's a nigger in an air balloon?
>air pollution

Why do the showers in Auschwitz have 11 holes?
>because jews have 10 fingers.

Its purple and women will cry when they see it.
>a dead baby

You ever seen Stevie wonders kids?

neither has he.

Oscar pistorius wanted to get rid of the bathroom door days before the shooting, but apparently his girlfriend was dead against it

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile.
That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.

Whats stiff, 11 inches long and makes women scream in the middle of the night?


>Crib death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

>>602853228
Just so long as you're not racist. Racisim is a crime.

>And Crime is for niggers

>>602852918
Nice, never head that one before.

>>602841636
How about German jokes? They're the wurst

A black woman gets an abortion and is given a medal. Why?
>For preventing a future crime

What do you get when you slice a baby's throat with a boxcutter?
>an erection

How was copper wire invented?
>Two Jews fighting over a penny

What do you say when you wake up at night and your TV is floating?
>freeze nigger!

What do you say when you wake up at night and your fridge is floating?
>nothing. That's one big nigger!

>>602849723
underrated post

A french man goes into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a cordon bleu. After a bite he calls the waiter again and says "What the hell is this? It tastes horrible! This is not cordon bleu, more like cordon BLAAAGH. Ha ha ha.

>>602854740
I donæt know Anon, why did the chicken cross the road?

>>602854972
So he could visit the faggots house.

9/11

>>602841636
What did the leper say to the prostitute?


Keep the tip!

>>602854092
To chinks walk into a bar. Bartender says "why the same face"

>>602855127
That's terrible, Anon, do you have any other jokes?

>>602855329
Yes I do, Anon!

Knock knock

>>602844232

Are you really that lame?

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

>>602855427
Who's there, Anon!

>>602849417
Wut anon

>>602855968
Your mother

>>602854615
lmao what a faggot gm

>>602854893
The nikkerjokes were kek

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>>602855968
THE CHICKEN!

>>602855584
at least i have a girl faggot

What's the difference between a hamburger and a dead baby?
I don't fuck the hamburger before I eat it.

>>602856062
My mother who?

A father walks into a pharmacy, goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" the pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies "not really, she just lies there and cries."

>>602852334
As if many of the best comedians aren't black. Say what you will about black people, they have no problem being funny.

What do you get when you put oranges in a bathtub?
Nothing, motorcycles don't have doors.

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>>602841636
Archiving ebin bread

>>602854968
Why did cordon blue? He needed the money. Oooooohhh!

>>602856672
Your mother who is a nice, kind, intelligent person.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
It wasn't born yesterday!

My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.

>>602856756
Theres maybe 15 decent black comedians, kevin hart is a black dane cook, he stinks and im fucking sick of black comedians inability to talk about anything other than race all the time "black man do dis, wite man do dat!" fucking hack comedy

>>602857709
>implying dave chappelle isn't godtier comedy

What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy before he went on vacation?
Want me to help pack your shit?

>>602856398

I do too. And an actual sense of humor.

What do you get when you put a elephant and a rhino together?
Ellifiknow

Why does the game 'Clue' not have a black character in it?
Because then it would be called 'Solved'.

>>602857709

Chris Rock will be bigger than Carlin when he dies.

Also you can't make a fucking lame "observation" then call ANYONE hack you fucking hack.

>>602857877
>implying dave chappelle isn't in ops list of 15

>>602845569
I'd fuck her gently and then feel really weird about it as we cuddle.

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?
They both died at 95.

>>602857196
kekd way too hard...

>>602857877
>implying he is

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>>602846061

That is... very fucking funny.

Completely new to me as well.

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>>602857709

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

>>602855281
>to chinks walk in to a bar. Bartender says "why the same face"
>to chinks walk in to a bar
>to chinks

>>602857947
still a massive faggot who cant take a joke maybe taking dick is more your thing

>>602850837
Not saying the game...

where went the child after the bombardment?
>Everywhere

What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

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>>602852918

niiice

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

>>602858589
Nigger

>>602844969
similarities are that they are both fun to hang from trees.

>>602846472
What do french wine and princess Diana have in common?

They both get shipped to england in a box.

>>602858440
I love patrice oneal, he had a very different point of view on life and love

>>602858189
>decent
>god tier

Seems to be a bit of a difference there you gay-mo queen man.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.

>>602856811
random≠funny

>>602857877
I never said dave chappelle sucked you shit eating faggot, hes easily in my top 5 when hes actually out doing the rare appearance

>>602859075
"Good is good if it's good for you"
He was the best one on Opie and Anthony show.

>>602859075
His story about being accused of rape in Boston is fucking gold.
may he RIP like a beyblade.

>>602843938
>>602843580
>>602843938
>>602844648
>>602844969
>>602845027
>>602845321
>>602845632
>>602845785
>>602846472
>>602848429
>>602848392
>>602848676
>>602848898
>>602849417
>>602849723 (extra kek)
>>602850092
>>602850469
>>602850918
>>602851142
>>602851564
>>602852114
>>602852452
>>602852696
>>602853007
>>602853053
>>602853228
>>602854128
>>602854255
>>602854588
>>602858530
>>602858668
>>602858305
>>602858056
>>602857196
>>602855154

So, I am making a text note file called "Offensive jokes".

>>602859265
You don't even get it do you? It's not that funny but it made me laugh.

What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?

A sandy hook survivor.

Who are the fastest readers?

The people who jumped on 9/11. A hundred stories in 4 seconds.

in a three floor apartment live three families. On the first a white family. In the second a black family. On the third a mexican family. One day it burns down. Who lived and why?

The white family because they were at work.

Whats similar about sperm and noggers?

Only one in a million work.

What's the best thing about fucking forty three years olds?!

There are forty of them!

>>602852179
Where do you find a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Where you found it

>>602851110
love this one

>How do you keeps a nigger out of your backyard?
>
>Hang one in your front yard

>>602846800
lol'd

>>602853007
Check em Mr Bond

Why is aspirin white?
Because they work.

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>>602843580
Like he said in What Dreams May Come, It's about NOT giving u...

...nevermind.

>>Bigger doesnt mean better, or more witty, profound, great more people know who chris rock is, probably cause hes still alive. Not saying rock sucks but hes certainly not on par with carlins creativity

>>602856289
That pic reminds me of Cabin Fever's credits where the person that plays "The guy in the chicken suit" is listed as "We'll never tell" or something like that.

>>602846800
kek

A guys walking along a beach when he hears the sound of a woman crying.
He approaches the sound to find that its coming from an armless, legless woman.

He walks up to the woman and asks: "Miss, why are you crying?"

She says: "I have no arms, and no legs, and I have never been hugged before in my life"

So the man picks the woman up, gives her a great big hug.
"Well, you've been hugged now"

He hears the woman sobbing again, so he comes back:
"Miss, why are you crying?"

"I have no arms, or legs, and have never been kissed before in my life"

So the man picks her up, gives her a big kiss
"Well, you've been kissed now"

While hes walking away she starts crying again, so the man walks up to the woman again:
"Miss, why are you crying?"

"I have no arms, or legs, and I've never been fucked before"

So the man picks her up, throws her in the ocean, and yells:
"WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW"

>>602859560
I can picture his 300 lb black ass barley fitting into the trunk of his moms car, man his stories were up there with fluorentines and nortons

>>602859594
pastebin it plox.

How do you titfuck a 7 year old girl? Break her fucking shoulder blades.

>>602860487
Serious question, why would he a hero?

>>602852918
classy

>>602861209
why does anyone an hero?
cuz he was a greedy, selfish bitch, that's why.
now make with the jokes, funny man.

priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a plane with three boyscouts. the pilot dies and there's only 3 parachutes. they begin arguing about who gets them.

"we should save the children" Says the Kike Teacher
"Fuck the children!" says the Lawyer
"Think we got time?" Says the priest

>>602854904
you mean underaged

>>602861209
Because he was a dunkey mopey cokehead cunt. I hated that guy. He could never turn it off. He must have been fucking exhausting to be around.

A Masochist Seal walks into a bar...
And orders a Canadian club

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>>602861345

What's the difference between a faggot and a fork ?

The fork pushes today's meal, faggot pushes yesterday's.

>>602853388
Fucking...it's how long does it take a black woman to take a shit! Numbnutz

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand Binary and those who don't.

the nigger mother is sitting home watching tv all day when this new commercial comes on, "washing powder gets any thing white in seconds" she hurry to the shop and buys a dosen, then goes home and fills up the tub and takes a bath afterwards she is all white gets her husband and makes him white as well then they get their son, but he refuses to get in and then the dad yells "You can't be white more than 5 minutes before you have problems with the blacks!"

>>602860842
Thank

>>602849723
Holy fucking kek i just got it

What is OJ Simpson's Internet Address?
slash slash backslash slash slash escape.

>>602861345
>>602861659
Suicide is dumb, I just didn't expect him to be. So just asking for reasons.
Also, >>602861209 I am not the funny man.

>>602862247
This got me.

What do you call an Arab convenience store? 9/11

>>602856289
I give up, what's the joke.

Why do Jews have big noses?
Because air is free.

And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life".
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

>>602862513
This
Pls

These pretzels are making me thirsty

Miss Johnson had a little game she would play with the students in her English class every week. She would give them a

word, have them spell it, and then use it in a sentence. So when it came to little Johnny she says, "Johnny your word is

urinate." Johnny says, u-r-I-n-a-t-e. Miss Johnson says, "very good Johnny, now use that in a sentence." Johnny says,

"Miss Johnson,urinate, if you had any tits you would be a 10."

What's the difference between a black man and Batman going to a deli?
Batman can go to a Deli without Robin!