You wake up, the surrounding others in this shelter, taking slow breaths in and heavy breaths out.
You begin walking towards the bathroom to wash up and relieve your self. The reoccurring nightmares seem to prove their efficiency toward making sleeping next to impossible. You cup your hands under the less than sanitary sink tap, the water starts over-flowing in your palms as you splash the water in your face. This delivers a distinct surge of awareness to you. Thinking to your self how it's 2 in the morning, they might become agitated from because you're, well...awake. Walking back out, you notice Haley, a young girl with an infamous sleep-walking issue. The adults don't mind as much, due to the problem she has. But you can tell they're suppressing their apparent anger.
It's difficult to decipher whether or not she is indeed sleep-walking. You stand there frozen for a few moments. She rubs her eyes, and begins walking back toward her sleeping quarters.
You step outside for some fresh air. Spotting the moon just beyond the evergreens. It's illuminating the area quite well. This makes the idea of "night" seem irrelevant.
You let out a sigh.
"Oh well...lets head back in"
As you're heading back in you spot Haley once more, noticing she's indefinitely not sleep-walking this time. She's cute, her hair is always a mess, somewhat short, and she's relatively slender. Her hair is auburn, reminding you perfectly of the cool breeze enveloping your body. As well as those discolored leaves everyone loves in the fall.
She stands there, frozen solid. Staring down the other path..terrified. You walk towards her and rest your hand on her shoulder.
She begins sobbing and falls to the ground.
"Haley what's wrong?"
She's an absolute mess right now, tears running down her cheeks and her nose began running. You reach into your pocket to grab a napkin.
"Here, Haley. What's wrong"
"W-we don't have to...go that way..do we?"
"No we're going the other way..don't worry"
She gathers her self back to normal as you two make your way towards the playground.
You walk in slowly as she runs in quickly towards the swing set. After she's settled on her swing, you get on your own.
You begin swaying back and forth, progressively gaining more and more momentum.
She twiddles her thumbs as she looks down in her lap, not moving.
"Can you help me?"
You let out a little laugh as you get off the swing. You give her a few pushes until she can maintain the momentum on her own. You get back on your swing as you two silently begin swinging. She goes up as you go down, you go down as she goes up. This does on for quite a while.
"Hey Haley, we should find somewhere to stay for the night"
"C-can we swing...just a little longer?"
A) Swing a little more
B) Set up an area for you two to stay, it's getting late
Sorry it takes a bit for each part. Keep the thread bumped if you can.
It's hard to believe we're actually doing this. Since your parents..well. After all these years in the home..we actually left. They'll be looking for us eventually. But for now all that matters is this little snippet of happiness.
"Hey, Haley...we should set up somewhere now"
You vacate the playground to find an enclosed corner of the park where no one would find you. You open your backpack to see what it contains, a pillow, a water bottle, and a blanket.
You set the blanket up in a spot that seems fitting, followed by the pillow.
"Are you thirsty, Haley?"
You hand her the bottle and lay down to get ready for the next day.
You laugh to your self, she can't open the seal.
With a swift twist of your wrist, the seal snaps and she takes a few sips.
You give her the pillow to use, and begin drifting off. Feeling something soft hit your face, you notice she's trying to get you to share the pillow with her, without hesitation you accept.
She falls asleep, as do you.
You wake up to the warmth of the sun beaming down, Haley already awake and ready to go.
>>598514528 Could you please shut the fuck up and kill yourself faggot? Use you fucking brains and realize how much better this thread is compared to that shit we see daily on rate threads, ylyl threads and r34 threads. Srsly, die
>>598515148 Your initial descriptive style was what grabbed my attention at first, but you've kind of lost that. The dialogue is hollow and annoying and you're no longer giving me a reason to invest in the story. Still waiting for potential, just ask yourself why we should care.
>>598516400 Yes, let's forget the fact that I had a quite exhaustive day and perhaps imagine that I actually want to do something else other than sit down on this chair and fucking relax while having perhaps a good laugh or reading something interesting just to numb my mind. Fuck off kiddo, you should be worrying about your life instead of people's from this board. Under aged? Too fat? Can't you come up with something else that hasn't been used as an insult here for the past decade?
You begin walking down the road lined with stores and outlets. The sky for the most part, a deep blue with the occasional passing cloud. Silence envelopes the area as you continue walking. Noticing a pebble on the side-walk, you decide to kick it. You try to kick it every time you close distance, but eventually you end up kicking it in the street.
"Is something wrong, Anon?"
"No..it's okay, hey do you want to get some food?"
You head towards the closest Diner, it's relatively occupied. One curious seat by the window in a corner completely vacant, you claim the spot. The waitress approaches.
"My, my. A little young to be dating aren't we?"
Haley's cheeks become a a bright red as she giggles quietly.
"Heh...yeah, I'll just have a tea and a sandwich, Haley what would you like?"
"Oh but I don't have any-"
"Don't worry, I can pay for you"
"T-thanks! I'll have the same!"
The waitress takes her leave and surprisingly quick, she comes back with our order ready.
>>598518711 I want to hear them talk more about the house, where they're going, and what it means in relation to where they're coming from. So far it's all just pleasantries. Also, that stutter has got to go, unless her character having a speech impediment is integral to the story. You're a decent writer though, and hey, who else here is putting themselves out there?
This story is intentionally built around what you feel you need to know about the characters. It's supposed to have a mysterious feeling in it, the answers you want are unfolded after a while. It makes sense eventually.
>>598519894 I get that you're trying to leave a lot of questions unanswered. The dialogue just doesn't reflect your intention there as well as it could. Given that you're already introducing us to an incomplete world, it would be more compelling to read if they made references to that world in their interactions, as opposed to just bantering.
The waitress leaves, a concerned look plastered on her face. Moments later, she arrives with a relatively heavy set guy carrying a bucket of various chemicals and rags.
"Ho, ho!!! So ya don't have the money for the bill, do ya?"
He's pretty arrogant, at this point you'd like to swear at him. But you're in a bit of a situation, so you decide against.
"Heh..yeah, I thought I had enough"
"Well, what's your name?"
"Well Anon, just clean up the tables and the bathroom and we can call it even, how about it?"
Shit, no it doesn't, but you don't have a choice.
Haley since by idly as you begin at the furthest table, cleaning coffee stains on each one, wiping the crumbs off. The chemicals have a harsh scent, only verifying they will help in completely the task at hand. Table to table, you wonder how Haley feels about what you've confessed to her.
The Waitress approaches her with a strawberry shake.
"This was courtesy of the man by the bar"
She turns her head, as her jaw lowers. She gets further into the corner she's already in. The man at the counter, looking at her menacingly.
"Who the hell is that guy...he's...old" you tell your self.
You rush to finish the job and the store owner comes to inspect.
"Hey, Anon. Great job, didn't expect this! Looks like I'll have to throw ya a bone, eh? BAHAHAHA!"
He heads towards you to give you 2 crisp 20 dollar bills. He punches you lightly in the gut in a friendly manner. The strange man at the counter leaves.
Haley, is hysterical.
You put the supplies away and go to hear, she's cowering at this point. The sun, slowly setting.
I know it's not nearly as good as my last one, but I wanted to give a story structured this way a shot. I'm going to finish it regardless of whether it's liked or disliked. But I just want some feed back to I can mold the stories I write to everyone's satisfaction. If it's negative feedback, just tell me what you don't like/liked.
She looks a little embarrassed, with rosy cheeks. Maybe you shouldn't have grabbed her hand..but you're beginning to feel something towards her. You look up at what appears to be a transparent moon, even though the sun is still out.
"Yeah, lets do it anon"
You start down the dirt road with her, towards...you don't know where. You haven't been in this area before.
After 10 minutes of walking, you come to what looks like an old farm house.
"This is it, Anon"
"This is where I lived, before I went to the home"
It's in even worse condition than the home, there's multiple panels missing on the ceiling, grass hasn't been cut for seemingly years..there's beer cans and....needles scattered on the front porch. What kind of life is this for a 14 year old girl?
"Haley, did you need something from inside? It's dangerous, so just tell me what you're looking for and I can get it"
"T-There's a picture of my mom..upstairs in the main bedroom, I wanted it when I left for the home but...he wouldn't let me have it"
Anger boils in you at her Father. What kind of man does this to his own Daughter?
You tell Haley to hide behind the overgrown grass on the other side of the street.
Upon entry you see a table covered in cigarettes, and cigarette ashes. Multiple beer cans in the living room. There's spiderwebs at the corner of each and of the ceiling, and an unidentifiable stench in the house.
"This is fucking disgusting"
You walk around, taking in your surroundings trying to figure out what you can do with this opportunity. Kicking a few beer cans around you see a garbage can laying on its side. You step back, wind up your leg and go for a kick.
"Alright...enough of that"
"I have some money from the Diner..but this might be a good chance to get things we need"
You look out the window quickly to see Haley worried, still hiding. Placing the photo in your bag, you squeeze your self and your belongings under the bed to the best of your ability. Needles, surrounding you, paired with cigarette butts.
"This is fucking disgusting"
The woman, presumably the mans girlfriend continues yelling unintelligibly.
"IF YOU CALLED MY GUY YOU'D HAVE WHAT YOU NEED, TOO BAD I'M NOT SHARING HAHAHA"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
He starts up the stairs..creek, after creek. Step, after step. Your heart pounding, you look to your side an notice a razor blade. You grab it..just in case.
"Fuck I HATE that woman. He punches a wall, and proceeds to sit on the bed, causing you to become slightly less mobile.
He looks out the window.
"Heheh...so she came back to Daddy..I knew she couldn't resist"
"What...no..this man, what...the..?" you think to your self, completely unable to articulate an even somewhat coherent thought.
He gets up off the bed as you hear someone walking up the stairs, Haley approaches.
"Heheheh...well baby..how about we take a shower just like old times.."
He looks away for a moment and Haley winks at you.
"Is she...planning something?"
She gets tries to tell you to push him down the stairs without forming words. She begins her decent down the stairs as he takes the first step down.
She puts her back to the wall.
You rush out and push him as hard as you can, his body flailing down the stairs. He isn't moving.
"I know, Anon..It's just warm..the other place is so cold...and I don't want to sleep outside again"
"Okay...do you want to have some food?"
She agrees and you go to the kitchen, cracking open 2 instant noodles. You start the process of boiling water. There's a fireplace with fresh wood, you grab a lighter and after a few attempts, you get an ember going, eventually. A fire starts up.
You go back to the kitchen to see that the water is indeed at a boil, you fill the cups up with the hot water to their respective fill lines. Followed by a packet each of flavoring. You make your way back to the living room and sweep the sleeping area in front of the fire place.
Setting up the blanket followed by your pillow, some water, and finally the food.
"Thanks anon, this is..really sweet"
"Don't worry Haley, it's just instant noodles"
"N-No..not the noodles, everything. I'm...I'm ready to tell you about..what happened"
"I was born here, my Mother..she was a very nice woman, and back then..even my Father was really sweet. My mother eventually became extremely ill, the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing her deterioration, so they made her as comfortable as they could. After years of suffering...she passed away. My father, turned to drugs..h-he...changed after that. He became belligerent. He would yell at me every day, blaming me for Mothers passing away. I couldn't take it so I locked..my self in my room. He became furious and broke the door down."
At this point, she's visibly shaking, hardly able to continue.
"Once he got in..he grabbed me and through me on top of the bed..after that h-he...h-....."
So that's why she would rather be at the home..
You sit next Haley.
"You don't need to tell me anymore...I understand"
She jumps in your arms and cries hysterically.
You know very well it isn't okay..not even remotely.
After everything winds down, you finish you meals.
You lay down and get a blanket, sharing the pillow with her.
Once you're comfortable in your respective sleeping positions, you lay awake..thinking about what had just happened. Whether you should just give up at the prospect of permanently leaving the home. The moon, is shining through the window as the fire crackles fiercely, providing a welcoming aura of warmth.
Haley shuffles around a bit, turning over to you.
"Anon...can I rest my head on you?"
Taken back by this request, you accept.
"Yeah, no problem"
She throws her arm around you and lays her head on your chest.
"Anon...this really means a lot to me..thank you..I mean it"
"Y-you're welcome hale-"
She gets up on her side and kisses you softly.
"I-I kinda like you...anon"
You're completely blushing, there's no hiding this fact. But you have had a thing for her for quite some time.
"I like you too, Haley"
You stay awake laying down, both talking in an extremely soft tone, eventually silence envelopes the environment. Nothing heard but your breathing and the fire crackling.
>>598543068 I was just reminded of this song a couple of days ago and wanted to find it but didn't know the name of it....thank you anon........keep doing whatever this is cause I'm just scrolling on by
Okay if you REALLY want to know what I would have written had you guys decided to enter the bathroom, Anon would have been so overwhelmed by the stench, he would have just puked and left the bathroom. That's what I had in mind. But since Anon only went passed the bathroom, he didn't throw up.
Had the characters been older, I would have added a sex scene to it. This was about 2 kids escaping a run-down badly managed shelter. Not about a 30 year old man fucking a newborn baby. If you want that, hangout in loli threads.
The feels in the first Banana-Kun story have more feels than this. This was more of an experiment, I structured the story to have some mystery and unanswered questions until near the end, but some people became sort of anxious to learn the back rounds of the characters. I guess it sort of didn't work out. I'll try to implement more feels in the next one for sure. Thanks for the feedback.
6/10 It was an alright read but I really think you should plan your next story a little more, you have an entire week to do so. I feel like you could come up with something amazing if you gave more thought to it, rather than coming up with it as you go
>>598557246 It would have been fine to leave it to interpretation, but you didn't do that in the end. You just need to decide before-hand which you're going to do and stick with it, you can't just suddenly change your mind near the end of it
That's what I did with my first one and it worked out well.
I don't know..pre-planning stories isn't enjoyable to me. I love when people enjoy what I write, but I'm experiencing the story with everyone because I only know whats happening in the story as I'm typing and just making shit up.
I've only been doing this for 2 weeks or so.
I might take you up on the advice. I feel like you might be right. The quality would be a bit better if I pre-write a story.
How do you feel about ABC choices? Would you rather have the interaction aspect of it or just a straight read?
>>598558253 Haha yeah man, I don't think you should have to plan absolutely everything, but definitely think out characters and basic ideas throughout the week, and just some general plots and what-not
Thanks for the compliment. Little comments like that give me motivation to improve. I've only done this for a few weeks and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Not that I can take it anywhere, but it's certainly a hobby I enjoy.
>>598558998 Exactly man, welp I'm gonna go play some Majoras Mask now. Thanks for the decent read and I look forward to your next story. I'll save that other story that you wrote up and read it sometime tomorrow, it's pretty late here and I really want to get past this damn part I was at in MM last night before I go to bed.
Oh before I go! I really think you should try to make the characters slutter less, it gets a little annoying to be honest :s every once in a while is cool but you should definitely try to tone it down just a bit
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