So I'm pretty sure that my neighbor just called the cops on me.
I live alone in a small piss-ant town near the PA/West Virginia border. I have one neighbor. ONE. And it just so happens that she is an absolutely insane old cunt. I would tell you that she lives alone - but she doesn't. There is a literal horde of about 20 to 30 feral cats who happily reside on -both- of our properties.
Now, I don't really mind it too much. I really don't. I can deal with the disgusting cats. My only real complaint is that they sleep and piss all over my car since I only have an outside car-port. But we live in a fairly rural area - so I'm not jumping the gun here (what I really mean to say is that I enjoy watching a bald eagle kill and eat her cats).
The problem is that this bitch insists upon feeding Geese. Not like 2 or 3 Geese. This is a -big- fucking group of them. She feeds them so much that they've given up on the whole migratory bird shit. The just live on OUR properties. Geese are fucking disgusting animals. They shit -everywhere-. But that's not even the worst of it...
Geese and feral cats obviously do not mix. Any time these fucking Geese come within 50 feet of our houses, all hell breaks loose. It's like Goose on Cat world war 2. Close quarters house to house combat. These fucking things fight each other like they are cursed to walk the Earth as tormented souls until all of the opposing army is vanquished. It doesn't matter what time of day or night it is. There is always some faggot Goose/Cat getting ready to rock each other. The noise that these animals create is fucking unbelievable.
So I worked all last night. Got home at 5 am. Went to open my door in the dark and suddenly heard HISSSSSSSSSS - a fucking Goose was sleeping on my porch under my lawn chairs. It came after me and started trying to bite me in the shins, so I walloped it across it's faggot head with my lunchbox and it ran off the porch making these stupid noises. (this happens to me at least 2 times a week. They are obsessed with my porch as if it's the heartland of their faggot goose empire)
Anyways, I get inside, get a shower, and go to bed. A few hours later, round about 8 AM this morning, I hear a melee break out. Have you ever heard a goose fighting a cat? It's one of the most noisy, obnoxious fucking things you can possibly imagine. They just won't stop. The cat doing that low throaty "OWWWWWWWWLLLLL" noise, the goose sticking it's big fucking stupid tongue out incessantly honking in response.
Finally I had enough. I ran outside with my boot and fucking threw it at the Goose as hard as I could. It knocked him over and he started hissing at me, sticking his retarded goose tongue out. Then it got up and started waddling away with a limp. I'm like 90% sure I fucking wrecked this thing's shit.
Anyways, my cunt neighbor happened to be watching. As most days all she does is stand in her window and brood over the war she created like some kind of capricious, vengeful god. She saw me throw the boot and was like
"OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU SON OF A BITCH. I'M CALLING THE FUCKING COPS ON YOU"
I flew her the bird (lol) and told her to go fuck herself, as I usually do. But here's the thing - if they do show up - this Goose is visibly fucked up. It's still outside my house limping around like an idiot. Aren't geese federally protected birds or some shit?
i've been living here for 3 years now. An uncomfortably large portion of my life is governed by the problems created by these fucking geese/cats. I used to be miserable, but now my hatred keeps me going.
Believe it or not, but her horde of cats used to be at least 3x larger. The ones still here are the escapees from last summer.
I got into a fight with this cunt because her cats kept sleeping all over my car, and pissing all over my tires. She just totally disregards that it's on my property, and that it's my vehicle. As if her cats have some kind of right to go where and do as they please.
So I got a broom and swatted her cats off my car and she got real fucking mad at me and called the cops.
The cops showed up to investigate animal abuse, and immediately noticed that there were like 60-70 cats roaming EVERYWHERE. They called the SPCA and started removing cats from her property.
She was standing outside sobbing like a child and screaming "MY BABIES".
I laughed my ass off and made direct eye contact with her and gave her the finger. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I was so fucking excited that it was like I won the lottery.
The cats who remain are the ones that ran into the woods like niggers and escaped.
>snatch fucked up goose >tape wings to body >tape beak shut >lock goose in compartment >tell cops goose ran off somewhere >cops won't look for goose cause there are like 300 on the property >when cops leave kill goose
>>594957245 I live in Michigan, can confirm. Killing and mutilating geese is a time honored tradition. Every fall hordes of people leave their house armed with nothing but a shotgun to defend our skies from winged invaders.
This is taking place in Point Marion PA. I've been to Morgantown many times. It's right across the border.
The goose/cat war heats up especially in summer when they've got babies. None of these cats are fixed, so they basically multiply like Zerg. I anticipate it'll only take 1-2 more breeding seasons for them to be back up around 100 strong.
Geese are cold blooded killers. I've literally seen them attack kittens and maul them to death. Sometimes the cats defend their babies, other times they take the survivors and just run for their lives.
The cats do the same thing to Goose chicks (Which makes the Geese go fucking spaghetti to the max), but they don't really maul them. They just carry the chicks off in a very direct and purposeful fashion with the intent of eating them inside crazy cat ladies shed. Her shed is basically like an altar of death. I see the cats carrying small rodents and shit in there all the time. I suppose that's where she feeds them, and thus that is where they feel safe eating.
The cats usually lose the fights. It's more the big geese protecting the little ones as the cats try to gun for the weak links. It's like some national geographic shit. Even feral cats go after the sick/injured/weak looking ones.
Geese are basically like orcs. They are barbaric fucking animal, whose society is formed by the strongest members. They even fuck each other up. I've seen the Alpha male in this group maul and kill other Geese.
There is a bay window in my house overlooking the battle ground. I could definitely mount a webcam in there. I just don't know if there'd be THAT much action. Their fighting happens in short and intense bouts.
>>594959158 So instigate it. Run through enemy lines like a dopesick Panamanian to grab the geese and cat children, put them in separate cages outside the window and watch as the two armies spill blood for their offspring.
>>594955368 PA fag here, first off I'd call the game commission. She wants to play the game, play it right back. I'm sure they might feel a certain way about her feeding the birds. Idk, but can't hurt to call and ask if that's legal and express concern for the population which doens't migrate.
I work at a national park and we hafta do 'goose population control' on geese that have stopped migrating all the time. It's actually kind of a big deal for biologists. Causes a lot of damage.
Secondly, there are non violent ways to scare off the geese, but non of them are permanent (they'll come back a couple hours later or less). I have a quarry out back and the geese love it. I've found that a simple laser pointer scares the fuck out of em at night. I have one of those bright ass green ones that go for miles and when I shine that across the water they all freak out and leave. Also I have a neighbor that will shoot bangers and other little fireworks and the noise gets rid of em.
Not sure how much a pa hick you might be but I've cooked a couple geese and they are quite tasty in my opinion. Good luck
>>594957331 well, if the cops come again, just tell them (if they even ask) that she's putting on this cats vs geese war for her own entertainment by feeding both. they'll take away even more of her cats.
Since this is far western PA/West Virginia, there's some pretty wild countryside out here. A lot of forests and hills. So we have Bald Eagles who pass through the area from time to time.
My first experience (and not my last) with the Eagle was maybe 2 or 3 months after I moved in here. I was leaving my house one morning to head off to work, and as I came outside with my lunch and everything, I saw this fucking Eagle just sitting in the middle of my lawn. Just eating a dead cat like it's a breakfast omelet or some shit. The Eagle looked at me for maybe half a second. We just kind of stared at each other. And then he just kind of went back to eating. I walked through the grass so as to not disturb him.
Have any of you ever seen a bald eagle in real life? They're fucking huge. I see this crazy son of a bitch return once every few weeks. He snags a cat and just kind of eats them like he doesn't even give a fuck. Then he goes on his way.
tl;dr: the cat horde is an inexhaustible food supply for a migratory bald eagle who patrols up and down the river near my house.
I should also mention that every time I see the eagle on the hunt, or sitting in my lawn eating a cat, I have this ecstatic sense of wholesome joy. My neighbor goes fucking crazy - but she's afraid of it.
>>594956069 > be general in cat army > serving goddess well > some fucking goose scum stats hissing at me > nearly defeated in single combat > suddenly, the demon from the other side storms out from his keep > fucks the goose up with his demon boot > goose limps away while the demon flashes satanic hand symbols at the goddess > goddess summons her champions of red and blue light > flee to the alter
The solution is easy, you just don't have the balls to do it. Kill the geese when it's possible to get away with it and whenever you get a chance kill a cat or two. Dump the bodies somewhere that crazy bitch wont find them or somewhere somebody wouldn't stumble upon them.. If possible just burn them.
>>594955368 well waterfowl season just ended 2 days ago so you can't kill the geese anymore your pretty much fucked OP, the geese may seem nasty but they taste pretty good lots of breast meat. Anyways you can still probably report her for animal hording an neighbor disturbance or some shit.
OP she was just trying to help animals in the best way she knew how, learn some empathy for a change and stop being a fucking edgy cunt. I sent this thread to the Monongalia County sheriff's department so they can see you bragging about animal abuse and framing her
>my name is whiskers i am cat >my colony moved here years ago and though most of us were lost in the great purge we remain vigilant >all was good until the enemy showed up >it started with them circling from above, a select few noticed but no one gave it second thought >until one day we found snowball disemboweled on the hood of some assholes car >piss on his tires as a tribute to him, snowball would have liked that >as we are pissing they emerge >the horde waddles with purpose towards us >we prepare for battle >that battle of daves lawn >blood everywhere guts on the grounds >squaws meows and hissing deafens me >I've seen things i can never forget >the blood of my brothers covers me as i leap into the fray once more claws unfurled >4 fiends descend upon me all at once pecking at my eyeballs >i can no longer see and accept my death knowing that maybe someday with my sacrifice all cats may live in peace >my final thoughts are fuck this asshole neighbor.
OP, you need to start keeping a proper record of this shit.
I mean, this is fucking hilarious, but if you want this to stop you need to build up at least a month or more of records and evidence of what's happening.
You should contact local wildlife control and report this woman for feeding the wild population; Where I live it's not necessarily illegal, but at the scale you're describing it's probably deleterious to the animals involved.
Additionally, you should start killing the geese that come up to the entrance to your property, especially if they start behaving in a threatening manner towards you. Learn to butcher them, they're good eating, or sell them to a local butcher.
Shit, get a shotgun or like a .22 and start culling them and selling them to the local butchers if they'll buy them, fix the problem and get a bit of extra money. Depending on the scale, it might even pay for itself.
>>594957331 > be last summer > still be general > the war with the geese has led us to seek shelter near the demon's keep on the other side > demon appears with war staff > banishes troops from his domain > goddess takes pity and summons the champions of red and blue light > champions begin to capture cat forces > goddess weeps for our lost brethren > demon laughs and raises hand symbols again > remaining cats flee to regroup in the great forrest
>>594959818 They are going to kills themselves till last goose/cat standing anyway? Why not make some cheese off their epic fights, Maybe one day they will join forces and turn on Crazy Cat lady?? I say Let
What I find fascinating is that these Geese are only here because she feds them. Really I am just like a third party. I'm a latecomer, into the 20th chapter of an already unfolding story.
This dumb bitch is literally both the initial cause, and the driving force behind the ongoing violence. She's absolutely insane - so she fucking has like hysterical episodes any time one of her favorite cats dies (she elects "favorites" quite often). And yet it only happens because she is causing both the cats and geese to live on top of each other. It's absolutely retarded.
Another funny thing is that our properties are both COMPLETELY. COVERED. IN. SHIT. She's old and doesn't get around very well. I've actually seen her slip in mud and goose shit and then stomp off into her house cursing and being all bitchy.
I watch her quietly from my house on such occasions and laugh at her.
> cat forces still trying to regain numbers after previous summer > the offspring have been training diligently > out of nowhere a goose strike team advances toward the young > the geese tear apart our reinforcements > forced to retreat to the alter where we sacrifice the young geese
My mum owns two cats, two dogs and two geese. They get on great, but they consider ANY living thing that enters the property an immediate threat. I've seen one of her cats (a fucking big black Norwegian Forest cat) chase some inferior neighborhood Shorthair into the Goosedom. They were taking turns nesting, and they went fucking apeshit and cornered it in the shed, but it got past them and bolted. Hand raised geese are spectacular staunch cunts
The funny thing is that the cats really don't care for her. She interacts with each of them for maybe a total of 20 minutes across their entire lives before they get mauled to death by geese or eagles.
So she walks around outside talking to these cats going "Hello my babies. How are you today? You are such a pretty little baby" - meanwhile the cats have established a 20 foot buffer zone around her, which they maintain any time she walks closer. They remain close to her, but they fear her.
I remember last summer I was out mowing my lawn, which is itself a horrible experience from all the goose/cat shit everywhere, and I had my shed door open. After I finished and closed everything up, I went inside.
When I came back, I saw her walking around all over my back yard. I ran outside and asked her what the fuck she's doing. She immediately pointed at me and was like "YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. I SAW YOU YOU BASTARD. YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT"
long story short - one of her faggot cats walked into my shed and I unwittingly locked it inside. I could hear it inside my shed crying like an idiot. Somehow cunty mctwat's cat peril radar went off and she came over to rescue it.
I let it out and it went running back over to her house set to the cacophony of geese going fucking spaghetti that there's a cat within 80 feet of them.
I swear to god. This shit happens to me on a daily basis.
Please op if. You could put little traps for the cats that get in your property and then go to a local pound where you could say that a feral cat pack is getting fed by a mentally ill woman and that the cats damaged your property in such ways that you don`t want those animals around.
>>594962986 The easiest solution is to poison them. Go buy some large quantity of antifreeze. Then go get a bag of cat goad and a few loaves of bread. Soak all of it in antifreeze and then put it out in the forest or in in your back yard somewhere where she can't see it. The flying car alarms and the furry rats will eat the shit up because, if you didn't know, antifreeze tastes sweet. I live in Alabama and on our deer land we use it to poison the coyotes and feral dogs that roam.
Kill one of the geese and prepare a nice cooked goose. Then walk over to your neighbors house and apologize for everything you have done snd want to make it up to her. Then give her the cooked goose and watch her face when she sees it
I'm not sure why you haven't bought a cheap BB gun and started taking pot shots at the little cunts, goose and cat alike.
It should not really enter the skin [spoiler] unless you aim for the brown star or eyeball[/spoiler] or fatally wound the creature but cause just enough pain to make it move off your property or stoke the flames of war between the two empires and provoke another Somme.
The geese actually complicate my life a lot in regards to my ability to receive mail. Like I said before - there are at least two very large aggressive alpha male geese who live on our properties. I have seem many occasions in which they are sitting in front of my house - DIRECTLY in front of the stairs to get onto my porch. The mail man obviously has to pass them to get to my box.
The geese freak the fuck out as if they are being attacked and marshal themselves into a giant honking unruly horde. All with their stupid mouths agape with their tongues hanging out. Hissing and shit.
I can see the mail man like "fuck this". He just stands there looking at them as they slowly inch towards him. He usually has to walk around the side of my porch and crawl over the hand-railing to get to my mailbox.
The geese, for reasons unknown to me, regard my porch steps as their ancestral homelands - and they are prepared to die in defense of it.
They do that to me. But I'm usually prepared to just battle-flail my way through them with a lunchbox and whatever else I may be holding.
>>594964730 The geese are on your side op, they are defending you from the cat horde, your porch is their home because they know the cats reside next door, embrace them and let their presence empower you become... THE GOOSEMAN.
Also OP, great story, you should really get a slingshot from like walmart and a shit ton of metal balls and just start shooting both sides, aim for the eyes, if they go blind they'll be much more vulnerable.
>>594960154 OPTION1 >keep alerting every possible agency of concern (ASPCA / Wildlife / Fish & Game / whoever you can find) of her antics until they condemn her shit-filled residence unfit for occupancy. >house gets torn down >winrar OPTION2 (parody) >kill eagle (federal crime) >blame neighbor - she said it was killing her "babies" >winrar
Alright OP, I think I can help. I battled geese for about three years before I got them controlled... tried bottle rockets, dog, chasing them with RC cars. Those fuckers are relentless, and you're not allowed to kill them. One of these miserable creatures can put 5-8lbs of shit through its body a day, and they don't give a fuck about where they drop it.
>>594956069 Get your firearms license and a hunting license, get a goose tag and you're good to go. You live out in the country plus it's your property. She'll lose her shit but cops should have your side if you're just hunting
Well another funny thing... I live on a really long street with only 3 or 4 houses on the entire thing. One time I saw a lady jogging down our street with a german shepard. Anyways, she started going past our houses and the dog noticed the cats and started barking at them - and the barking alerted the geese. They all came running out from behind my house honking. A trifecta of animal rage formed in which the cats were going nuts fucking running for high ground, the geese were forming into a battle phalanx, and this dog was going bananas trying to get free to go on a killing spree. It took this lady like 10 minutes to wrastle her dog back down the street far enough to break it's fixation.
The old lady came outside and was yelling at her telling her to take her big aggressive dog away, and that she needs to control it better. The irony was so intense it probably caused a miraculous virgin birth on the other side of the planet somewhere.
>>594956069 lol dude cops wont give a shit. Just make sure that when they come there is a huge population of them on YOUR property. Write a complaint about how she "baits" migratory bird. She will get a fine from the DNR unless baiting is legal in your state.
Alright, here's what you do... get yourself a ParMak solar electric fence charger, aluminum wire (steel wire rusts and looks shitty), a grounding rod/clamps, and push in fence posts ($1.50 each - they are small and made for temporary electric fence applications). You can get everything at Tractor Supply except the ParMak transformer. Don't buy a Zareba, they are horse shit.
Find a sunny spot for the transformer and mount it/ground it. Put your wire posts along the perimeter you want to keep the geese off of, then string the wire on the lower (about 4" off the ground) and upper (about 14" off the ground) wire guides on the post.
Turn on your transformer after its charged a day, test the zap along the wire line (buy a tester or use the back of your hand), and those fuckers won't bother you again. They will go everywhere else the fence isn't, but they won't cross it.
It works two ways... one is they don't like to cross the fence because of the silver wire. Second, they don't like the shock when they rub against it.
They are small brained, but smart enough to avoid it and learn to stay away. I battled them on 5 acres and a pond for years before resorting to this, and this is the only thing that worked.
Occasionally a stray would get over the fence somehow... usually from the wire touching too much brush or grass and absorbing the shock. But I went from 50 or so all over my property to zero just about overnight.
OP wouldn't it be fun to just occasionally sew the seeds of discourse between the cats and geese? Like, put cat treats near the geeses sleeping places, or leave some dead goose chicks near popular cat hangouts. Soon the fights will become more intense and you'll have good streaming material, or it'll attract law enforcements attention and the lady will have her cats taken away.
>>594970190 this sounds like a good idea OP, the cats will probably figure out a way around it because they are sneaky little fuckers, but at least one of the problems solved, and probably reduce cats on your property too
A couple weeks after I moved in here, myself and my girlfriend at the time thought the Geese were kind of cool. We were like stupid suburban people going "Aww look at the geese". That was back before I understood the true depths of their cruelty and barbarism. Do you want to know what Geese are really like? Fucking play shadow of mordor. The way the orcs rape and kill each other for status is basically a word for word account of how Geese jockey for status within their groups.
I had my door propped open one time while I was carrying a shitload of groceries into my house, and as I was standing in my living room talking on the phone, a fucking goose poked it's head into my door and started hissing at me. It tried coming in like it was claiming the place.
I grabbed a pillow off my couch and whipped it at the fucker as hard as I could, and it immediately turned around and just went waddle-running off into my lawn back to the group. They have very little fear of people, and they will come jack your shit if you're not vigilant.
Like I said. Most of them live/sit ON my porch mere feet away from my door.
>>594972505 lol are you retarded. just do what I said. >>594969226 To add on more. Tell the police that she baits the geese so that "her" cats can catch the geese when they come for the food. She will go to jail/written a fine and you'll go on your merry way.
put some weed in the food or some shit, or just start making them high.
additionally, if you decide to be on team geese, this might be a hard thing to do, but i suggest you get some catnip, and put it in really small but sturdy bags, and then catch the geese, and put the catnip bag around their neck, tied with a string.
try first without catnip, to see if it hold, so you dont get it for nothing
inb4 there is some rule about catnip and it being essentially cat drugs
>>594974598 because getting the animals high/drugged could be fun. altough i dont know how it works for animals. and i admit that it did sound retarded that they would get high that way, but my point is- drug them.
>>594974804 Fun would have been to give cats alcohol(cheaper) and put cat nip near the bitch's door of course hidden. Cats will go try to find the cat nip drunk and the old bitch will be so scared she will never touch a cat again.
so i think a fun thing to do would be to tie a ball of catnip to a string, and then just slooowly pull the string so that the cats follow it, but the plot twist is that it leads directly to the geese territory, but they are all drugged and high on catnip that they dont know what to do.
>>594961833 Oh, like one anon said get a hunting licence. Use the geese to your advantage and kill them for food. Now you save money on food, and you eat like a king. Plus streaming the fights will have people all over the Internet pay you.
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