>be me >2 years ago >get weed charge in shitty state >can't make bail >have to stay a couple weeks >every night a few mins after lights out I yell REEEEED ROBIN >a couple people would reply YUMMM >after a week the whole dorm replies YUMMM >guard starts getting butthurt since it's against faggot jail rules and out of his control >one night he snaps >turns all the lights on, rages for the culprit to get out of their bunk >no one does or says anything >he says if I don't then whole dorm loses commissary for a week >I give myself up >mfw he makes me do an extra chore in the morning >mfw everybody likes me and give me free shit off their commissary after that
>be me >get locked up for stupid revenge burglary and gun charges >spend 4 years in state prison >mfw it was like \b\ in real life >once worked in kitchen >kitchen workers share block with engineers >acquire medical tubing, zip ties and leather >build ridiculously powerfull window bar mounted slingshot >shoot out windows in unused guard tower with padlocks and used batteries >shoot at faggot "therapeutic community" live in substance abuse program dwellers >shoot out windows in state and prison vehicles >mfw when tattoo artist ties dental floss to a pencil and uses it to catch seagull >seagull is drug inside >mfw seagull is disemboweled, dismembere and beheaded >i take feet and make them walk around while tattoo artist makes head talk shit to people >brilliant idea, cover head in honey, tie to floss and put outside for ants to eat meat so we can have skull >mfw small black bird unties floss for nest and flies away with head >tattoo artist decides to shoot guard while we are stoned as fuck >mfw guard takes double a battery to neck from 6 foot stretched medical tubing slingshot and drops like he was shot >mfw goon squad raids block military style cont.
You act like all jails are the same you stupid faggot. Ada county everybody has an assigned chore depending on day of week and bunk number. Varies from vacuuming carpeted area from wiping tables or mop or cleaning showers or sweeping or toilets. We're talking about nonviolent offender general population not Shawshank redemption you stupid faggot
>>592114525 >i wake up from my seizure >mom is there holding my hand >dad is there holding my other hand >my sister is crying >realize i've had a seizure while masturbating with my dildos >dildos, shit and vegetable oil everywhere >tfw my dad
>"e-squad" comes in guns blazing. >smoke grenades, rubber bullets, bean bags flying >pull mat over me and get in corner of cell >laugh at faggot niggers in dayroom playing cards getting lit the fuck up with less than lethals >Smoke settles, they stop firing >make everyone lay face down on floor in boxers >yell at everyone about assault with a deadly weapon charges for everyone unless someone tells >Tattoo artist is murderer, been locked up for 17 years >conniving as fuck >tells 18 year old kid that he will give him a free half sleeve if he cops to it >kid has one year >charge carries like 6-20 >dumb kid says ok, stands up and says he did it. >last thing i see is kid being dragged into mop closet by srt team guards >furious beating ensues >can here blows and crying behind door cont.
>kid gets beaten, maced and drug away in cuffs crying >kid ends up getting like 7 years >mfw guard comes back to work a week later >entire side of neck has gruesome black, yellow, green purple bruise >guard gets made fum of incessantly >claims ptsd and quits >tattoo artist gets off scot free >slingshot gets confiscated >tfw bored as shit in cell >want to get drunk >brew orange booze >inb4 brewed in toilet cont.
This one nigger used to tie a string from his big toe to the head of his cock. He would then pull his dick out of his pants, hide it behind a book, and "read" while tapping his foot at the front of his cell watching the people that went by.
>Have friend who is half pollock half spick named Randy >he is a debo >call him "mexican randy" >we torment child molesters together >get drunk off my orange booze >go to chow >tfw drunk as shit in prison >eat shitty aramark slop >hatch plan to expel child molester from cell block >go back to block, make masks out of beanies >Wear long sleeves to hide tattoos >have village idiot put hair grease on camera cont.
>be 10 >dressed as pirate because halloween, motherfuckers >go visit dad at work >corrections officer >trick or treat motherfucker! >get jail brand koolaid packets that tasted awful >inmates were able to look out at visitors, a couple started heckling- no perverts >one guy starts in sort of talking to me >dad says really quietly "don't talk to them" >used to throwing death threats back at brothers when they're trying to piss me off >wield my mighty plastic cutlass and shout to inmate "SHUT UP OR I'LL STAB YOU WITH MY SWORD!" >dad had no face >mom had one of anger and horror >brothers choking on their stifled laughter >grade-school hum of "ooooooooh" from behind the bars "oh shit nigga he ain't playin'!" said one of the inmates Dad still tells people that story, he must have been proud. This was early 90s in a fairly po-dunk area but still, it was fucking funny. pic related- my piece.
>find him in cell >guy was in for molesting 9 year old girl >mom was a crack whore and left daughter with him >he fucked little girl and damaged her physically for life >run in cell >flip him and mat off rack >i stomp him out while mexican randy alterntes between destroying everything, stomping him and yelling incoherently >everything destroyed, mexican randy starts peeing on him and his stuff while i stomp and hit him >pees in boots, on bed and blankets and on child molester >i laugh too hard to keep stomping >randy runs out, i stomp once more for good measure >as i go to run out mexican randy runs back in with trashcan >dumps trashcan on child molester while yelling in incoherent pollock mexi accent >can't stop laughing >child molester yelling "heeeeeeelp" repeatedly in a womanly voice cont.
>first day working laundry in county jail >finish in 3 hours because the jail was being renovated so there wasn't many inmates >we get decent food because we aren't niggers and actually work >head chef comes in and gives up deli meats >we eat and high tail it out of there >im pushing the laundry cart for my pod back to D Pod >Sargent stops and inspects the cart >finds a shit load of bologna and salami and milk >get brought into the processing room and they yell at us and make us it on our knees and hold our hands up against the wall for about 20 minutes >if you took your hands down or uncrossed your feet they would kick you against the wall and threaten you with an ass kicking >we get seperated >warden conducts an interview with those working laundry >everyone gets fired >2days later i get called down to laundry and they put me back on work detail because they knew i wasn't involved and just a patsy since it was my first time in jail and my first day working >work back in laundry and the inmates and Correction Officers start calling me The Bologna Bandit or Salami Sammy >mfw jail wasnt that bad
>Ditch make shift masks in bathroom trashcan >have village idiot smear grease off camera >still kind of drunk >no weed around, acquire spice >get high as shit and laugh >mexican randy decides he is not drunk enough >i tell mexican randy i am going to go get my sleeve worked on >same murderer tattoo artist who shot guard with medical tube slingshot >shit bag guy, shot a gas station clerk with ruger .45 9 times in chest over cigarette and lottery ticket robbery >smoke as much crack as is smuggled in >phenomenal artist, has paintings made with vegetable oil and crushed up colored pencil in wardens office >smoke spice with him and works begins >some nerds, who i actually liked have hooch as well (more on them later) >mexican randy knows this cont.
Lol, I work as a prison guard and I've never dealt with a bad prisoner. I mean like 70% are just autistic assholes who think they're still 15, but Jesus Christ I can crack some jokes with them most of the time. Swap stories and stuff like that, never been assaulted either.
>drive drunk like an idiot >cops ask me if i've been drinking >say "no" >throw up all over cop >he's pissed >get booked >get thrown in jail cell with 7 or 8 other drunk idiots >some guy offers me meth >"no thank you m'good sir but thank you for thinking of me" >tfw super sarcastic asshole when drunk >tfw luckily didn't get my ass kicked >hang out with white supremacists >they think of me as a kid cuz I look so dam young >take me under their wing >tell me all about white power and white supremacy >ok.jpg >get out 2 days later >still have white supremacy beliefs
>>592121062 That's true. But when you have a bunch of bored, crafty liars and assholes. There is lots of entertainment. I played an inmate with one foot in basketball and got my ass dunked on. Inmates are some crazy people
>nerds are actually cool guys >do nothing but get stoned and make MTG cards on square pieces of manilla folder >nerds have thousands >get high and play with them when really bored >getting tattooed, nerds are a few cells down drinking for one of their birthdays >see mexican randy go by cell im in on his way >hear mexican randy ask them to sell him some >this is his way of finding out how much they have >has no intention of buying some >They refuse to sell >this enrages mexican randy >they get scared and give him cup to get him to go away >ifyougiveamouseacookie.jpg >mexican randy comes to tattoo cell >laughs and talks shit about nerds >drinks all and says he is going back >i say, "whatever bro, bring me some" >mexican randy says something unintelligible on his way out of the cell >seconds later i hear a very scared and feminine "randy nooooo" >punching sounds are heard cont.
>>592114056 just because he said dorm doesnt mean he didnt. when i was locked up, we used to say dorms, units, hall to imply what part of the facility we were housed in. different units for different reasons why you're there, your conduct etc.
I was in a block with a total /b/tard once. Kid was 17 but got caught at 16 by the FBI torrenting CP without a proxy lol. He had 50 photos with penetration and only got 1 year. He was a weird mormon homeschooled kid. I've been to jail a few times. Pretty fun. Never been to the joint yet. I'm from Wisconsin, our prisons are really nice I guess.
>>592122966 His name is Jeffrey Williquette btw and he was charged in Oconto County, Wisconsin if you want to look it up. One year in and one out for tons of CP. Wtf. I got 2 years probation for my first weed charge (one gram) and two months in jail at 17. Fucked up.
>first day on the block >Step down from maximum >Niggers spics and nazis everywhere >Get invited to the nerd group, we play D&D a lot >LOCKDOWN >wat >Cops rushing to pod next door >More cops >More cops >Skinheads have started beating a cop >They're letting off fire extinguisher OC all over the place >Can't get to him soon enough >Beat him to death with a real fire extinguisher >They killed the wrong cop >The other one knew a hit was coming and offered his shift to another guy >Then quit that same day
>hear scuffle ensue where mexican randy takes these nerds back to highschool locker room. >large aryan enforcer "Big-O", (his name was michael ostrander) asks randy to stop for fear of guards noticing >everyone doing shit that is not allowed and mexican randy is fucking it up by causing a scene > mexican randy takes nerds hooch and leaves >comes to cell i am getting tattooed in >engineers come back from other side of prison with weed >get some weed, drink hooch and get tattooed >smoke joint with mexican randy and tattoo guy, named "joker" >mexican randy gets belligerently drunk >done with tattoo for day and bored >ask guard to get in computer and tell us who chils molesters are >mwf there is another one in the block >time to have fun cont.
>>592123211 Wyoming/Virginia, and I started Max so they could determine security level. I had a hard time getting out of max because I kept acting like a bonehead. Ended up Medium, spent only a week in minimum.
>Medium Security >In a fairly easy pod with a few niggers >One really fucking loud obnoxious one >Yells day and night >Nazis tell him to shut the fuck up (They had that pod for the most part) >He calls them every name in the book >Things seem to be ok >Three days later >Big beefy motherfucker, a sot caller I think, picks up the hot pot from the pod >Walks up behind him >Pours entire contents of boiling water on his head and back >Nigger screaming >White guy grabs him by the back of the shirt and starts stabbing him with a soda shank >Blood everywhere >More fire extinguisher mace >Lockdown for a week >I'm ok with this, I have video games
i have probably the lamest story in the thread. Not even technically jail... sorta
>Aunt works in a srs bsns lockup addiction hospital >old lady that cant get off back pills comes in with her husband >husband is big burly guy telling the emplyees to "lock my bitch the fuck up. she keeps stealing my pills and fucking taking them. should have never paid for her fuckin surgery bro" etc etc >employees ask her if she really wants to enter the hospital (you can do it if you really think you need the help... they taper voluntary patients off) >husband keeps talking for her and grabbing onto her arm hard as shit >eventually she says yes all quietly and signs paperwork, gets admitted
>>592125182 Ming posting Mr. Ybarra's pic? I'm on my phone and it won't show up, really hoping he looks like I imagine him to >ps- motherfucker needs to learn to have so.done else drive when he's wasted
>Sitting around in pod >Guy named Bolejack gets called back >He's notorious for smuggling chew and weed in his ass >He walks into the hallway where two cops corner him >They tell him to cuff up >Fuck you pigs, I ain't doing shit >You done fucked up.jpg >they rush at him >He knocks the fuck out of the fat cop, sprays sriracha sauce in the face of the other >Actually beating them down >Goon squad shows up >Detains him with a fight >I see him in the hole a week later >They beat him in the strap chair for three days
>>592125558 the rooms here have metal doors with the little bar thing at face height
>she spends a few weeks in the hospital overall >during this time she befriends this MASSIVE former bike gang member >white supremacist, there on court order >talks to him every day, even though she is really quiet >he gets out before she does
three days later her husband gets the living fuck beat out of him by a random dude and ends up in a hospital
>turns out she gave him her address >he went to their house and fucked up her husband with a tire iron >served that faggot right
For some reason, I can't but think of Niko from GTA4 talking about how other countries' prisons are different from American ones.
I'm loving these stories. (I'm never so much as had a speeding ticket, so I'm fascinated.) I know a few people that have been to jail and/or prison. They either don't have stories and just don't want to talk about it.
>>592127424 >>592126987 maybe i didnt make it clear that he was abusive as fuck and forced her to do it. Wouldnt you go to a hospital instead of getting the fuck beat out of you by a big dude every day? she was like sixty.
>>592124356 >mexican randy and i are drunk and high playing karate with brooms planning next child molester raid >Disarm mexican randy >chase ensues with mexican randy yelling karate noises >child molester knows we are plotting against him >sees us running and yelling >thinks we are after him > takes off running >he is right in front of me >running down corridor toward huge heavy open steel bar door >im looking back to see mexican randy making incoherent karate sound >i'm drunk and dont see child molester slam door because i am too concerned with being chased by drunk mexican randy yelling karate noises >i run into door full run as he slams it >take the door in face, elbow and knee cont
>>592128332 >I hereby declare, Robert Steven Everett and Nicholas Velasquez, guilty of crimes against me, Douglas Alan Feldman. Either by fact or by proxy, I find them both guilty. I hereby sentence both of them to death, which I carried out in August 1998. As of that time, the State of Texas has been holding me illegally in confinement and by force for 15 years. I hereby protest my pending execution and demand immediate relief. this fuckin guy
>>592128801 >First of all; Shonna talk to your brother. He'll tell you the truth about what happened to your husband. I told Bubba to tell you what happened. Now, my statement to the world: I am in the midst of truth. I am good, I am straight, don't trip. To all my partners, tell them I said like Arnold Schwarzenegger, "I'll be back." These eyes will close, but they will be opened again, my understanding of God is, Jesus has got me through. To my family, I love ya'll. >I said like Arnold Schwarzenegger, "I'll be back."
>turn myself in from being a Deserter from the Marine Corps for a year >sit in holding for like 8 hours >finally get assigned to a cell block >meet some pretty cool people >this one guy was named "stuck" because he had been in the county for like 2 years >the jail was over populated so I slept under stairs >I get picked up by Marine Corps "chasers" after about a week >we go to the airport and I look like a crazy person walking through there with handcuffs and guys with suits >they put my shirt over the cuffs right before we get on the plane and they have us get on the plane first and sit at the back of plane >we arrive at camp pendleton later that day
>>592128974 Engineers are inmates that weld, plumb, do electrical or other shit. Indiana DOC instituted controlled movement, which is you dont leave the block unless it is for food, a pass to go somewhere on the complex, work or scheduled rec. Engineers went everywhere. i was at westville at the time, largest prison in the state, engineers could go to other sides of prison with more freedom because prison is like 100 year old condemned ex mental institution. they used an access road address and reopened it as a prison and it is falling apart so they go every where
>i jump up semi conscious >barely remember anything besides my cell is the first so i stumble into mumbling "you guys play too much" >mexican randy sees this >as if mexican randy needs a reason to do anything, he becomes enraged nonetheless >here mexican randy yell incoherently >step out of cell >tfw still fucked up from hitting door >guard that day is a fat retard named c.o. brown >retarded fat metal head that gives no fucks and plays around with us (more on that later) >gives no shit about mexican randy yelling incoherently and assaulting someone, it happens frequently >mexican randy grabs child molester by collar >mfw child molester pushes him, he is a big guy, like 6'5" >mfw mexican randy knees him in the crotch, bitch smacks him so hard his glasses break and uppercuts him so hard his head smack the wall. >c.o. brown yells "ybarra enough or i am calling it in" cont.
>Friends parents leave for a week >July 3rd 2001 , 19 years old >Party at his house , first night , massive kegger , naked chicks , underage chicks , drugs , alcohol everywhere >Cops raid at 6 in the morning >Find my scale , empty box of ziplocks , my scale with herb and powder on it , tons of glass and alcohol >friend gets locked up for all this >parents wont come home early to bail him out >costs a fortune , ton of charges >his girlfriend and I bring him commisary money following day >Decide to clean house with his girl friend and other mutual friend >bags and bags of alcohol bottles >friend leaves >house cleaning turns into my banging 17 y/o girlfriend for hours on end >banging turns to days on end , in friends bed and in friends parents and little brothers bed and pretty much in every room of the house >friend gets out and finds out I railed his girls butt in his little brothers bed >no more girlfriend obviously >still rail her years after >friend was often bitter and would cry about it when drunk like he loved her >Would get violent when drunk and was always too drunk to fight so I would t-off on him good
>>592129310 >they assignment me to a platoon of other "shitheads" they were getting out >I get a room with a guy that was getting kicked out for pissing on dead bodies in Afghanistan >cool ass dude though and we become good friends >after I get a feel for the place I start to take advantage of the situation >I got a good extacy and meth connect >get everyone fucked up >someone gets too fucked up and gets caught >we have random drug test the next day >everyone minus 2 out of about 30 of us pop dirty >they can't do much because everyone was fucked up >they realize I'm one of the "ring leaders" of the drug supply >they can't catch me but they fuck with my paperwork to make it so my discharge process keeps getting reset >I didn't really have a life to go home to yet so I accept the challenge
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