Can /b/ help me out? Dont usually green text but..
>live in a moderately expensive upper midwest town >been married almost 11 years >have 4 kids ages 6 thru 12 >wife doesn't work >tried for a little too long to make a small business work >things were great, built a 4,000 square foot house 9 years ago >lost it 4 years ago due to business failing from bad economy >bought another house luckily in time before credit was ruined in the town we both grew up in >have a different job and combined with residual from old business making a little over $100k a year >wife is going to a big 10 university online >4 kids in private school >years ago i was a controll freak >now just want things to be normal >wife angry all the time >stick up for myself and things always get worse >her parents hate me and i let them know i hate them >had bad month with work last month and money is tight >she needs books for school and i suggested it might be a problem >says i am asking her to drop out of school >i defend myself, but kids around >love her to death >trying to figure out a real way to get her back to respecting me
Maybe i need to offer more info.
Tldr: have wife i love that doesnt contribute financialy, she is going crazy and i cant make her see what it does to us,and how it could be better. Her parents blame me and she always runs to them and never her friends.
There's a lot more. All you fags that want to help ask away.
There is a missing piece to this picture. Not contributing financially and going to school online are not sufficient to make a woman "angry all the time." Be honest - you've been bitching at her about the fact that she doesn't bring in money, much more than just a single discussion about books. We need the whole story to give good advice.
>>591507320 Been together for a long time before this. Im 33 and she is 30. Dont know about that. And the books are just a peice of the expenses. I just got mad that she wants more money for her school when she is supposed to be a stay at home mom
>>591507285 This is not a valid goal because it cannot be defined or explained. This is likely part of your problem: you need to be able to ask her for something specific and reasonable, not "to be cool again."
>>591508635 So you built the house and then you lost it, and through all of that she was doing nothing but raising children? I get that but it isn't sufficient to explain angry all the time. Man, if she's really always pissed at you then there is something you are still doing... even if it's refusing to apologize or some bullshit like that.
>>591507908 Looks like she is not happy being a "stay at home Mom" and you are -right- in that age bracket where she is in the mood to shack up with one of her professors.
Better get your ducks in a row. Buy the damned books. Make her think that -you- think her going to school is the best idea ever. Provided she's not wasting the tuition on a women's studies degree, encouraging her to get in the workforce and be productive for the family should, -should- go a long way to mollifying her sense of self worth.
Sounds like a lot, I know, but cheaper than fighting a losing battle in divorce court
>>591509862 Aha! This is the real problem. Her books/school is just a temporary flashpoint. Even if she dropped out tomorrow of her own free will, she'd be pissed about something else next week. These other gents are missing the point, and maybe you are too, but you MUST move beyond the most recent fight to the real, core issues in your relationship.
In order to do that, you need a good sense of what those core problems are. I doubt you do; women usually keep that shit to themselves because that's just what they do. You need to clear some time with her when you and she will not be bothered, sit down, and have a long talk about where you are and where you're going as a couple.
>>591510078 It never was like this. When we got together she kinda creeped me out once in a while by saying she could never leave me no matter what i did. If you girl is like this now i would watch out.
>>591507908 You need to communicate your woman, bro. She doesn't want to be a stay at home mom. Besides, this education will provide you with more $$$ in the future. Unless she's majoring in a shit field like Woman's Studies.
>>591510410 In preparing for the conversation, you should sit down and get yourself clear on what you really want out of this relationship - that is, what behaviors you would like her to change. You need to be specific and you cannot blame her - so no "just be cool" and no "why won't you let things go." I'm talking real doctor Phil crap here, like "it hurts me when you say things like x, so can we work on being more positive instead?"
Then, during the conversation, you need to not fight and not get defensive. If it turns into a fight then you lose your chance to learn what's really bothering her. You need to be at your most accepting and understanding, take mental notes when she says something you don't like, and bring it up later if you must.
Sounds like something is making her pissed. Could be just that she's tired of being a stay at home mom, could be other things or a combo.
It sounds you should get her in on the finances or she is just an idiot when it comes to budgeting. If the $ is tight then the $ is tight and food, mortgage, kids, bills are more important than her schooling books in the near future. That said, the quicker she finishes schooling (or at least progresses), as long as she actually finds work then you have 2 income earners in the house which will help things out a lot. There will be incurred expenses too I assume like child care since she won't be home, but those should be all offset by having more $ coming in.
If her parents hate you sometimes that is unavoidable and may not be fixable but if she is confiding in them more than you then it sounds like you 2 have some issues with communication that need fixing or shit is going to blowup.
You can't really be blamed for losing your 'dream house'. Many businesses fail, we just had the worst recession in almost a century and your wife isn't working. If this is an underlying reason for these people hating on you then it sounds like they have some issues.
>>591510968 Well, what happens when it turns to shit? I don't mean "tell me who's fault it is and why," I mean what warning signs are there? Does she start talking in a certain way? Does she get angry or defensive? Does she leave the room?
Is there a certain topic or line of reasoning that sends everything over the edge?
Do you think she might be reacting to you? Is it you who sends things off the rails?
It's simple dude you provided for her from the begining, the life she enjoyed is now over and she wants to move into the workplace. if you were upset about her not contributing financialy, you should have done something about that a long time ago. You are living above your means and it's because you planned poorly. You reap what you sew.
Just download the books. It's not like she reads them anyway. Also, as for her attitude. Let it go for her. Walk away from arguments and just deal with her shitty attitude. Just let her be mad or angry but don't reinforce it by arguing back with her. Be as positive as you can and keep moving forward.
>>591511209 Ok, here's the thing about "never letting go" - it's nonsense. Women have long memories, but that isn't the problem. The bottom line is that there will always be an endless pool of crap for her to throw at you when she is angry, so what you need to discover is why she is angry. What is making her want to dig up your past and beat you with it?
If she wants to be a stay at home mom and is pissed about you not being able to budget for her books and school shit and she doesn't plan to get a job after school then she's an idiot and needs to learn how finances work. Like I said above you may want to have her take a looks at the books with you and budget accordingly and if she is still pissed she has no financial sense.
>>591510187 I've heard of people driving farther to cheat. Makes it more of an adventure.
Not saying this will happen but she is in that age bracket where a lot of women do.
Simple fact is, she ain't happy. That old saying about happy wife=happy life is true. Like >>591510410 said >you MUST move beyond the most recent fight to the real, core issues in your relationship.
Getting her to open up about that is NOT going to be easy. Women still expect us to be mind readers 90% of the time and if you can't read her mind she will convince herself it's because you don't care enough about her. That's when they start looking for someone who will.
Better get on this, OP. You think money is tight now, imagine paying for ALL the shit you are now AND your own apartment and utilities.
>>591511345 Off the rails.... that is her exact words for how she describes me. Lol. I used to engage. Lately i drive a few blocks and hang out for a few minutes so there is less drama for the kids. Tonight did the se thing when i posted this. Now im lying in bed and she had a glass of water on my night stand waiting for me. I guess im just wondering if anyone else deals with this bipolar crap
>>591505474 Been in a stable relationship for less time than you, so i can't say it's the ultimate fix, but i've found that humility is the best option. You don't always have to win, you don't have to tell her when she's wrong. No human ever likes being told they're wrong, and she'll likely just get mad. So don't push her, or make her feel like she's doing something wrong. She probably feels as confused and scared and unsure as you do, just try to remember when your relationship started and how much you truly loved her. Just be humble and let her win a little, you don't always have to stand up for yourself, your job is to stand up for her and your kids, then yourself.
>>591512806 look man, you need to do some major self reflecting. stop looking to her for reason. take some time evaluate your relationship with her, how it was in the good times. figure out how you used to act and what changed. the world is our mirror, the sooner you learn that the easier to understand it will be
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