>be around 17 or 18 >staying at grandma's house >start searching through her drawers and find a dildo >looks like she fuckin carved it herself out of wood and waxed it >before I know it I'm fapping furiously while gagging myself with grandma's homemade dildo >all of a sudden I hear front door close and her yell out "Constantin I'm home!" >panic and pull up pants and throw dildo across room >smashes picture frame holding photo of my dead grandpa >she comes running to see what happened >"constantin are you okay??" >"yeah grandma. Fine" >sees broken frame on floor >her waxed wooden dildo lying nearby, wet with my saliva >quietly picks up both and then says "I have another frame in the loungeroom" >never mentions dildo
>>590178586 >be 14 >see the dog licking up food from floor >get an idea >put some ketchup on asshole and get down on all fours >after some help the dog starts licking my Àsshole >start fapping >JUST as I cum I hear my dad scream "CONSTANTIN!" >I jump up and see him standing at the doorway, mouth wide open and face bright red with rage >I stand there trying to hide boner >pants still on floor >cum dripping from hand >get beaten with belt for 10min straight
>12 years old >taking shower >get idea and stick dick in shampoo bottle >get boner and bottle won't come off >panic and slip and fall >dad walks in >"CONSTANTIN WTF" >MFW dad has to help me get bottle off
>be 21 >have friend who I suspect is gay >total bro and I don't care he's gay (of course) >one day he says "I bet you I can make you cum from a blowjob" >bet him 10 bucks he can't >blows me for 15 or 20 mins >don't even get close to cumming >win bet >he pays and says "Constantin, I knew you weren't gay!" >don't know how to feel about it...
>>590177629 >10/10 girl starts convo with me on Facebook starting with she's bored >didn't know how to resond >m-my mom won't let me stay on computer any longer >same 10/10 girl tells me she likes my voice in class >didn't know how to respond >r-rely? You t-too! >same 10/10 girl hugs me suddenly in hallway in front of her friends >didn't know how to respond >made a disgusted facial expression >same 10/10 girl, last time, groped my butt during gym water break when we were alone >didn't know how to respond >made a disgusted facial expression
it hurts to think back, I still haven't been in a legitimate relationship until this day
>walk past bathroom >see through keyhole >grandma is taking a dump >get raging boner and have to fap >I make a strange noise as I cum while watching grandma >she says "Constantin is that you?" >accidentally say "no, grandma" Mfw
>be -3days >in dads ballsack >starting major star wars like between my arch-spernemie >all sperms die >become the only one >dad cums clear,only me in it >born 9 months later >fap in the doctors face while he asks whats my name >CONSTANTIN!!! >get a life full of awkward stories in 4chan >CON
>be 5 >playing with link-in-logs >get an idea >shove two or three up my bun >hear parents coming from the other room >"Constantin!" >they see me on the floor with the logs in my but >I have to be rushed to the emergency room for extraction >local news hears about it >goes viral >tfw I'm cursed with sexual humiliation for the rest of my life
>be me >be 13 >home alone with dog >very horny >starts dryhumping dog because its asshole is too small for my dick >do this for like 30 minutes >finishes on the floor >let dog lick the jizz >dog goes in a corner of the house and barks at me if i try to get close >parents come home >asks what did i do to the dog >i say some kids trew a firecracker and it got scared >they buy it >repeat this a few more times over a span of a few weeks until i realise it's fucked up
>have school talent show >decide I'm going to do a dance with my friend (2 men dancing is very popular in my country) >he starts dancing close than usual, occasionally (accidentally, I think) bumping in to my crotch >I get a raging boner >someone from crowd shouts "hahaha Constantin has a boner!" >whole school starts laughing >2 days later I see a video on youtube called "bonertin" >3000+ views >MFW
>get on 4chan >see embarrassing stories thread >think "fuck it" and post a couple stories >say my name twice because it relates to the stories >unusual name so people notice >now they claim to be me in every fucked up story
>be me, 9 years old >living with grandparents because my parents died when I was younger >watch Spiderman >think Im him >climb my house's roof >fappingengaged >right as Im cumming I scream "DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN" >My mom was getting home (grocery shopping) >Looks up and screams "WHAT THE FUCK CONSTANTIN" >mfw I got grounded for 2 years
>be 16 year old me >sophomore >doing alright in school >have issues with a few teachers >taking Spanish for my mandatory foreign language >in Spanish II >have cringiest teacher in school >we'll call him Sr. Weaboo >neck beard, overweight, awkward, sometimes creepy >one thing that will always haunt me >every five minutes! he finds a way to say "chisté!" >I think it means joking or kidding, idk I didn't really learn much Spanish >"anon, see me after class" >what? >"chisté!" >god dammit sr. Weaboo >becomes infamous for his chistés >we would gamble on how long he would go without saying it. >start saying cheesesteak >start trying to beat him at his own chisté >I began saying cheesesteak whenever possible to him >señor year rolls around >time for a senior prank >stalk him for a week to learn his habits >senioritis.png >he gets coffee every day at steerbooks >every morning he leaves it unattended to check his mailbox in another room >place a little chunk of cheesesteak by coffee >next day, cheesesteak on door handle >then on his car >then on his doorstep >he stops coming to school >learn he doesn't even lock his house >sneak in during the night and put cheesesteak on his counter >then his staircase >then outside his bedroom >then on his nightstand >one night decide it's time to put cheesesteak on his sleeping body >open his door to find him waiting with a shotgun >"ANON?! ARE YOU THE ONE WHOSE BEEN STALKING ME WITH SANDWICHES?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?!" >... >chisté >get 90 days for stalking >get expelled and denied graduation I just found out he still works at the school. Pic related, it's Sr. Weaboo.
>junior in highschool. >cutie 7/10 invited me to her house to do acid with her and her gfs. This is the week after she kissed me on the lips at school. Omgpleasetakemyvirginity.png >show up with bro and we all drop acid. >2hrs l8r and I'm peaking as fuck >bass drop stomach pain...must shit now. >unimaginable foul stench looms in bathroom as I empty bowels. >pray to based god she doesn't see me come out of bathroom. >open bathroom door >she's standing there waiting to use bathroom. >tripping too hard to tell her no, don't go in there. >Mfw she comes out and won't make eye contact with me for the rest of the night. >
>hear sister call my name and say she's leaving >time to fap >can't find any good porn so go to her room >find her dirty socks but can't find panties >socks will have to do >start fapping while laying on her floor >here someone outside calling my name >ignore it as this is an awesome fap >hear my name again >keep fapping >get a text but ignore and finally cum buckets >look at text >it's my neighbour saying he can see me laying on the floor as I'm reflected in sisters giant mirror >never text Constantin back or speak to him again
>be in class sophmore year >sitting in english class about to sleep >suddenly crumpled ball of paper hits me >turn around >it was a qt girl >another guy saw and says "you just gonna let her do that?" >shrug and ignore >she throws another again >her face says "bring it" >suddenly whole class says "oooooh" >same guy asks me why i am a pussy >feel pressured to do something >stand up and approach her >whole class laughing and excited >trying to look alpha >she stands up and says "what?" >throw a punch >timetoputbitchesintheyplace >she grabs my hands and judo throws me >whole class bursts laughing >try to wipe tears while face is still hidden on the carpeted ground >teacher yells "Constantin stop messin around and sit down!"
>>590185613 >Be me >Knock up my girlfriend >Decide to man up and stay with her >The day finally comes >I have a son >I love it more than I've ever loved anything in my life >gf decides to give it some gay ass Turkish name >Whatever,jpg >gf falls asleep holding baby >Leave to get some coffee >Come back in to see the baby groping my gf's boobs >Dropkick the little shit for making a move on my woman >Wife insists it was just hungry >Bullshit.gif >Fastforward a few years >Kid won't fucking stop masturbating all the time >Walk in on the dog licking the kid's asshole one day God damnit Constantin I should have finished you off the day you were born
>13 years old >giving my dad his weekly blowjob >accidentally use teeth >"What the fuck Constantin you are so terrible at sucking dick, you fucking loser" >I wanted to fall into the ground from embarrassment
>be me >on vacation in the Czech Republic >with girlfriend and her parents >the four of us get on a crowded tour bus >traveling in the countryside >suddenly start shitting in my pants out of fucking nowhere >get the driver to stop >jump over a small stone wall, squat and continue shitting diarrhea >without getting off the bus he threw a ton of napkins at me
>go to my grandfathers grave with my grandma >we tell him we love him and both sit on the grass crying >grandma tells me it's okay and he's in a better place and hugs me >instant boner >so ashamed I recoil a bit >she looks at me shocked but pulls me in tighter >she smells like wet flannels, baby powder and mothballs >I no longer care she's my grandma >I reach under her dress and start stroking her pussy through her stockings >she moans >hear a muffled voice coming from the ground say "god dammit constantin" >make up excuse as to why I can't finish grandma off and get up to leave >MFW
My head is fill with an image of you in a squatting position with your pants around you ankles walking around frantically trying to pick up napkins but I don't know what you look like so you're the green picture unavailable 4chan guy
>Be me, be four year old dog. >Minding own business in kitchen, snuffling leftovers from floor. >Master's idiot son comes in. >Ignore him. >He puts ketchup on his asshole. >whynot.jpg >Chow down. >MFW master comes home.
>be me >lifelong severe anxiety and OCD >develop worry that i will shit pants any time i get in a car >becomes a reality >have jumped out of cars at 4-way intersections into bushes shitting and wiping ass with leaves >wore diapers in my teens and twenties >took tremendous amounts of imodium >asshole partially sticks out and has lumps from forcing myself to shit so hard before getting in car for 30 years
>17 years old >volunteering in local homeless shelter >before going home I do my usual "let homos run a train on me" >about fifth hobo in >I suddenly shart all over him >everyone stops what they were doing >complete fucking silence >"Constantin what the fuck" yells the sharted hobo >"Suck him clean! Suck him clean! ..." everyone starts chanting >mfw when I had to suck him clean in front of everybody >never speak of this again >never get a train run on me in the shelter again >mfw when no face
>me, 3 days ago >wife's gram walks into our room >talks about circumcision >ends up talking about baby boners > mentions baby's have dry orgasms >tells my wife and i she used to jerk off my wifes uncle >"he always napped great after that"
>16 years old >in adult bookstore >this middle aged man keeps looking at me >I get a hint >walk up to him and say "Hi, I am Constantin do you want me to suck your dick" >"Sure" >start sucking, playing with his balls, licking his shaft >he moans in pleasure >"Deepthroat it" >I never deepthroated, but thought what the hell I will give it a try >swallow his whole dick, suddenly I start gagging hard >throw up on his dick >"Constantin WHAT THE FUCK!!" >never talked about it again >not allowed to enter that bookstore again
>was dating a scenekid nutcase >valentines day, we are waiting for friend to be picked up by her date >friend gets stood up >ex says 'why don't you join us for dinner' >OKWTF.jpg >2 hours into dinner starting to suspect friends date wasn't real >decided i couldn't give 2 shits >ex and friend are talking about valentines day >ex says to me 'tbh Constantin, i would rather spend valentines with my friends than my boyfriend >paid for dinner >bitch didn't even let me smash >wtf...?
That night i took a MASSIVE revenge shit in her toilet which blocked it for 7 hours (5 flush monster)
>>590177629 >be at school >forgot to pack lunch >mom noticed >sends lunch to school >in a fucking bread bag >the fucking plastic bag that bread comes in >gets handed to me in class >kid shouts out in the back of the class "I fucking love Wonder bread!"
>>590204630 >On 4chan because I have no friends >Develop a strong bond with another poster in a thread about embarrassing stories >He finally works up the courage to tell me that I should kill him >Sad because I have to kill him, but happy to help my first real friend >Backtrace his IP with the help of the cyber police and the state police >Sneak into his house at night >Find his bedroom >Strip naked and slather myself in ketchup like I know he likes >Knife in one hand, penis in the other >About to climax >Raise the knife above my head >Suddenly his closet door bursts open >It's my dad >Accidentally stab him >Triggers a body shaking orgasm >Get my cum in his stab wound >mfw I'm HIV positive >"God damnit Constantin!" he screams at me >mfw no dessert until I find a cure for HIV
>>590204630 >19 years old >posting my embarrassing stories on /b/ >this one guy really really really lieks my story >my dick gets semi hard >start fapping in hope it will get fully erect >nothappening.exe >see pringles can on table >start sliding it up my ass >halfway in my ass and I am fully erect >start mastrubating furiously >just when I was cumming door opens >"Constantin what the fuck" >it is my mum >try to hide boner and clean cum >no tissue nearby >decide to lick it off quickly >"Constantin please stop" >start crying "Sorry mum" >I spat a while talking >cum ends up in my mums wide open mouth >never speak about again MFW
>>590206327 >pretend to be somebody else online because it's my fetish >Start masturbating furiously >He calls me out on it >That's my ultimate fantasy >Hornier than ever >Only thing in my room is my computer >Shove the computer tower up my ass >Halfway in and I'm rock hard, about to cum >"Wtf Constantin" >Turn around and see my mom staring at me >Never talk about it again >mfw my mother still uses that computer
>>590207068 >I'm Spartacus! >I'm Spartacus! >I AM SPARTACUS! >The neckbeard in the back with the Naruto headband pipes up >"I'm Constantin" >Gets a chuckle out of all the kids who were chosen last for Gladiator training
>>590208179 >Desperately lonely >Can't get a date >Hear about this new site for people like me >Boot up browser >ConstantMingle.com >Find a match >Setup date >Super excited >Night finally comes >My first ever date goes great >Go back to my place >We start fooling around >Date is elbow deep in my asshole >"God damnit Constantin" >Date whips around, causing my asshole to tear >mfw I have to sit there and watch as my date's dad beats him within an inch of his life and takes away his xbox privileges while my asshole gushes blood 7/10 we're going out again
>>590208966 >be me >desperately horny >hear about this site for people like me >ConstantinMingle.com >find a match >setup date >super excited >date goes awful, he is boring as fuck >stick trough it hoping I will get some >go back to his place >We start to fool around >"Turn around I will surprise you" >start fisting, going deeper and deeper >soon I am elbow deep in the sweet Constantins asshole >rock hard >start jerking it off >about to ask him for a blowjob >his dad walks in >"God damnit Constantin" >howdoesheknowmyname.ppt >I whip around in fear, tear his asshole >blood everywhere >his dad almost beats me to death >wake up from coma 6 months later >check my messages >it is Constantin >he wants another date, and he forgives me that he lost his xbox privilege because of me 5/10 going out again cause I am horny
>go on my favorite website >4chin.org >/b/ board >see this thread about embarrassing stories >Oh lol op has the same name as me >read through stories >everyone on /b/ is Constantin >I am Constantin >I am meme >we are meme mfw
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