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I need help. I know there other places I can go to but for VERY

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 310
Thread images: 47

I need help. I know there other places I can go to but for VERY PERSONAL REASONS I need to maintain anonymity
>me 19 and home from college
>parents out until tomorrow at aunt’s house
>home alone for the first time since I left for school
>lurking and then got bored and horny
>started fingering asshole – not enough
>tried remote control but the buttons made it too uncomfortable
>me walking around house naked with greased up asshole, looking for large and smooth object
>find 150watt aquarium bulb – EUREKA!
>go to room and lock door
>insert bulb and begin to fuck myself first slow and then furiously
>lightbulb slips from fingers and gets sucked in
>don’t really care because too turned on
>beat off furiously and have MIND-BLOWING-ORGASM
>go to crap out lightbulb but can’t
>keep pushing and hear a ‘crackle’ followed by blinding pain
>instinctually jump up and see blood in toilet and now running down my leg
>faint
>wake up in a small pool of blood and in blinding pain
>clean up mess
>grab tampon from sister’s room
>can’t put it in because of the pain
>stuff cotton balls in asshole in spite of pain
>hear parents come home early, major power-outage so they come home 12 hours early
>currently locked in room, panicking and feeling woozy
>can’t tell parents because parents are hard-core catholics and dad is a police officer
>father will kill me if he finds out I’m gay; mother will disown me so telling them is not an option
>please help me, I think this is serious
>please don’t make fun of me, I don’t think I can take anymore punishment tonight
>>
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lol faggot
>>
>>588571798
please, I need help not critizism
>>
Hey well at least yougot turned on....literally
>>
>>588572096
laughing makes the pain wprsen
>>
If you are in fact serious, just bite the bullet and tell them you need to go to the hospital and that they need to trust you, you'll tell them when you can. If you bleed out, or get an infection, you're fucking dead....
>>
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>>588572027
what the fuck do u think i can do here from my battlestation?
besides tell you to go to the hospital
>>
>>588572327
I would rather die
>>
Just deal with your parents, not worth the risk of infection/other problems
>>
>>588572418
I don't know, you guys are really smart
>>
>>588571532
Pics or it didn't happen
>>
Im catholic btw, its very unfortunate for you, just call 911 good to the hospital say you dont wa.t amy visitors, dont let em see you. When your all healed go back to ir parents, theyll just be glad your okay
>>
>>588572587
my dad HATES faggots
>>
we know you are lying because you said you tried to put a tampon in your ass after the bulb broke.....bait harder next time
>>
>>588572649
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE A PICTURE, I CAN BARELY MOVE YOUASSHOLE!
>>
>>588572587
>have your dad think youre a freak
>die from sepsis

natural selection make your move
>>
If your dad kills you, why worry about your mom disowning you faggot?
>>
>>588572763
I don't care if you don't believe me
>>
lol my dad is catholic and used to say he hates "faggots" aswell, when I told him, he didnt care
>>
>>588572508
If that is in fact true... I'm sorry? I once had something like that happen, but not as bad ( stuck 2 glasses in by ass, and the top one broke from the pressure, had to then VERY carefully poop out a broken glass that cut my asshole pretty good. the wife may suspect something, and I"m sure a doctor that did an exam has some idea, but noone else knows. That said, that was one giant piece of glass, sounds like what you have is tons of little ones...
>>
>>588572685
Who knows, he might be a closet faggot himself!
>>
>>588571532
>150watt aquarium bulb

this?
>>
if telling them is not an option, the next option is difficult and extremely dangerous.

Get a mirror to look at your asshole, and fish out all of the broken lightbulb. Get every fucking piece

Neosporin the hell out of your asshole, try not to eat too much so you don't shit. It's going to hurt for a very long time.

Take IMMACULATE care of your asshole. Even then it's probs finna get infected, maybe not.

And stop sticking breakable shit in your ass, next time use a hairbrush handle or a banana in a condom.

ofc if you're trolling, i still lol'd
>>
>>588572772
With a fucking camera.
How else do you expect anyone to believe you
>>
>>588571532
ok
I've been waiting a long time to actually be able to help somebody on here.
First, you need to lay down.
>>
>>588572904
because I love my parents you dysfyucnctional shit!

you guys are of no help
>>
>>588572999
really, how did you do it?
>>
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>>588571532
go to the streets and find somewere safe to get rid of your pants then get yourself covered in dirt, and shit and proceed to go home, and thell your parents you have been smugled by a nigger who rook your underwear and shoved a lightbulb up to your ass.
>>
>>588573240
Second, put a pillow under your head.
>>
>>588573012
btw thats sad, i mean your family. call 911 and pray for being a good son
>>
>>588573006
should I say I poped a hemoroid?
>>
>>588571532
holy fucking shit
those bulbs have TOXIC METAL IN THEM
GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
>>
>>588573012
sort of but was smooth on one end
>>
>>588573372
Tell me when you're done with this
>>
>>588573253
Just because you don't like our advice, which is to seek a medical professional, doesn't mean we aren't helping...
>>
>>588572685
Simple
>turn on computer
>google: brutal anal.fisting
>put on a video
>turn up dat sound
>when prents come lay down in the puddle of blood as if fainted
>with the porn on at full volume
>>
>>588573066
maybe, but it really fucking hurts!
>>
>>588573503
Ok heres what you do. Gather up all the drugs in your house, painkillers. Post with timestamp. I'll tell you from there. Trust me I am doctor
>>
>>588573006
once i cut my asshole up really bad trying to shave the ring of fire around the hole
>>
911. Now. I don't suggest walking, just call 911 and tell them you have severe rectal bleeding. Tell them not to tell your folks, just come down and inform the medics of the cause. Don't risk this. Tell your folks you pushed to hard and blew yourself out, that'll explain the surgery you now need. It'll be alright, you can totally lie your way thru this. But of you keep it secret, you'll die, and your parents will know the real reason. Trust me, take the risk and lie to your folks.
>>
>>588573398
You could say you popped a hemorrhoid, but make sure you tell the professionals at the hospital the truth ASAP...
>>
>>588573236
I can barely move, how can I get up if I can barely move from the pain you asshole
>>
>>588573667
it won't hurt as much as your parents disowning you
>>
>>588571532
Jesus Christ, is this normal for this board? I think I'm going to go back to /int/ and never come here again.
>>
>>588571532

Go to doctor or die.
>>
>>588573240
proceed, I am lying down
>>
>>588573313
do what?

read the post, you idiot
>>
>>588573871
Yes, now fuck off fagot
>>
>>588573733
This^
>>
>>588573811
are not paying attention? i said YOU HAVE MERCURY POWDER IN YOUR ASS
GO TO THE HOSPITAL
FAGGOT
>>
>>588573372
ok, I have a pillow under abdomen
>>
At least it wasn't a jar.
>>
>>588573488
he's right
actually most bulbs have gas on it
>>
>>588573313
One night I wanted to tell him, and somehow he knew what I was going to say but eventually after like 30 mins I told him, and he didnt care (hardcore catholic, and US marine)
>>
>>588573066
>finna
I would listen to this guy, who cares if his grammar is shit, he rolled dubs
>>
>>588571532
>>588572027
>>588572508
>>588572603
>>588572685
>>588572772
>>588572912
>>588573253
>>588573398
>>588573503
>>588573667
>>588573811

inb4 this self loathing faggot dies from TSS or some sort of heavy metal poisoning
>>
>>588571532
>>hear parents come home early, major power-outage so they come home 12 hours early
>>please help me, I think this is serious

have they tried to turn on the generator?
>>
>>588574049
why not your head?
>>
>>588573488
I didn't even think of the toxic factor
>>
You should kill yourself, OP.
Faggotry on such an immense scale is uncommon, even on /b/.
>>
4chan gold
>>
>>588573733
sounds good

this
>>
>>588573733
maybe, not bad idead
>>
>>588574204
IT'S WHY YOU PASSED OUT AND YOUR ASS SWOLE UP
IT WILL NOT GET BETTER ON ITS OWN
>>
>>588573833
they're paying for school, not an option
>>
Go to the hospital now.
>>
>>588571532
Break it in your asshole and poop it out
Source: Doctor
>>
You need to go in now. Those bulbs are toxic. Even if you managed by some miracle to do this yourself, which you can't, you're currently being poisoned. Call. 911. Now.
>>
>>588574009
That was pretty rude and uncalled for mate :^(
>>
>>588574025
>>588574025
oh fuck!
>>
top fucking kek
>>
>Tell them you wanted to punish yourself for being a faggot
>Been struggling with for a while and constantly punishing self, this was the climax of your self hatred
>????
>Parents feel shitty and get you to ER
>>
>>588574059
I couldn't find one that was empty
>>
Tell them you're bleeding from your anus and that you have unbelievable pain, don't tell them that you know why. Make them get you to the hospital, make them wait outside the room. Doctors aren't allowed to tell them what happened without your consent.

Or die.
>>
>>588574130
I can't deal with the pain and jugements
>>
>>588574369
Look, they'll suspect something, but hopefully they'll understand the embarasment, I think everyones done shit like that, and most people that "Hate Faggots" are because they had an experience they didn't like, and don't want to face up to. THis can either be a small note in your life that seems weird, or it can be the things that kills you.
>>
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>>588574130
it's a light bulb, not a 3 month old tampon made out of rotten pig fat and botulism.
>heavy metal poisoning?
stop it, you're retarded.
>>
>>588571532
/r/ing the gif of that guy trying to shove a jar up his ass by slowly lowering himself on it, and when he gets it in, it breaks and puddles a shit-load of blood and broken glass under him
>>
>>588574178
it was at my aunts in the next county over
>>
Fuck OP CALL 911 YOU CAN AND WILL DIE IF NOT TREATED
>>
>>588572685
We are talking about your life. And playing with your butt doesn't mean you like men. I'm not sure you could convince your catholic parents but whatever. Either way don't fucking die because you're scared of daddy ffs grow a pair and tell them to get you to a hospital STAT
>>
>>588574196
I had one, now I grabbed other pillow, pillow I abdomen helps with pain
>>
>>588574556
it's actually vapor
>>
Tell them you were trying to feel the paim Christ felt for our sins
>>
I can't imagine this not being bait. Either OP is a colossal, incomprehensibly magnificent retard, or you faggots are more prone to it than usual.

You expect me to believe that you have broken glass in your rectum and not only are you conscious and posting on /b/ rather than seeking help, but you took the time to relay the entire story in greentext and find a relevant picture to go with it?
>>
>>588574402
oh noes!
>>
>>588574764
Just search jarboy or jarman on google you pleb
>>
>>588571532
noice, someone screencap this pls
>>
OP Follow my instructions precisely:

1. Convert to Judaism immediately. That will negate your mom's Catholicism.

2. Join the Black Panthers. That will neutralize the statist pig powers of your dad.

3. Shoot yourself in the head with your dad's service sidearm. You will immediately respawn and all will be well.

Goo Speed OP and you're Welcome!
>>
Okay, I am 100% sure you're bullshitting, but I am going to give you the most obvious advice anyway.

Tell them you popped a hemorrhoid or something, go to the hospital, tell the doctors you actually fucked yourself with a light bulb and don't want your parents to know.

Let them do their magic, and don't put glass shit in your ass again. At least take it out when you're done.
>>
>>588574483
it already broke you son of a bitch, this is how I'm in this mess
>>
>>588572327
Then why the fuck did you come here? If you don't care about anything we say except you should start praying to the FSM, all the best to you anon.
>>
dude you're 19... get to a fucking hospital even if you need to drive yourself and they legally don't need to know what happened... Think of the shit that'd go through your parents heads if they find you dead with a broken bulb up your ass...
>>
>>588574900
ok
now post your address and close your eyes
>>
>>588574494
what if I get really drunk, maybe it would hurt less?
>>
Reason I suspect this as being true, as I've considered doing what he did... and Decided not to for exactly the reason that he's describing.
>>
>>588574982
/thread
>>
>>588571532
If serious: Call 911 you fucking idiot.

There isn't anything that's going to help your insides on /b/ or anywhere on the internet. You're bleeding internally and from the sound of it at a rapid rate, not to mention whatever heavy metals that aquarium light bulb contains.

tl;dr Emergency room or die
>>
>>588574609
dad is a cop, he's too smart
>>
>>588574671
not a bad suggestion
>>
>>588574753
he's actualy threatened me when he found me looking at traps in here, didn't go over well
>>
>>588574758
oh no. I'm fucked
>>
I hope you are serious and I hope you die.
>>
>>588573488
>>588574025
>>588574494
>>588574952

Fools, a 150W globe would be an incandescent which is a tungsten filament filled with argon. No mercury anywhere near the thing.

Op, go to hospital or you will die from internal bleeding if not end up with a totally rooted colon.
>>
>>588574764
how does this help me you dick?
>>
>>588574838
they'll disown me
>>
>>588574539
go fuck yourself
>>
sure is winter break in here
>op, you're a faggot
>if real post pics of bleeding asshole

>everyone else, you're also faggots
>>
>>588573898
go to the fucking hospital!
>>
>>588574979
don't make me laugh it makes it worse!
>>
ya'll are stupid and nice at the same time. That's cool. OP is a fucking baiting, shitposting liar who is a serial killer. He is laughing at you all.
>>
>>588574982
sometimes you just have to put a smile on your face and being a good fella
>>
>>588575707
So be disowned and FUCKING ALIVE
>>
>>588571532
They're going to find out one way or the other, faggot.
Either by you telling them, or by finding it in your dead fucking ass.

Not a very hard choice, you dumb shit.
>>
Don't let yourself die for this. That's retarded. There's no point in school or parental opinion If you're dead. It's not worth it to die for this. Don't be a child. Take care of yourself.
>>
>>588574982
this is how desperate I am, I was going to call 911 but they got home

NOT BAIT
>>
>>588575708
Rude tbh. You're almost as bad as the Australian fun posters.
>>
>>588575050
STOP MAKING ME LAUGH!

THE PAIN!
>>
>>588575118
best advice, the lightbulb slipped, I've shit out dildoes io thought it would be the same
>>
>>588574758
>aquarium lightbulb (metal/halide)
>cuts in most bacteria-heavy location in body
>doesn't think infection or metal poisoning is likely

sounds like you're either retarded or lacking in any sort of formal education
>>
>>588575316
>cop
>smart

pick one
>>
>>588575164
because you assholes are picking on me
and I like the attention
>>
>>588572890
This. If OP is not a troll (doubtful), then he deserves to die for

>a) shoving a fucking lightbulb up his ass (fucking faggot)
and
>b) not seeking medical help
>>
Leave. Literally, just leave. Go to the ER yourself.
>>
>>588575905
call 911 anyway
do it now
explain later
don't let a fucking lightbulb be what killed you, OP
I believe in you, you can do this and get through it
Everything will be okay in the end
if it's not okay it's not the end

Now call a fucking ambulance and stay alive
>>
I really wish this was not bait because it would fill me with joy that a retard like OP will get a Darwin award.
>>
>>588573361
underated post. but seriously depending on the town or area you live in this could be a real solution
>>
>>588575307
ok, I will. i'll tell them I was pushing too hard and I started bleeding
>>
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>>588575905
just say a demon put the bulb in you
jesus (pun intended), think outside the box
>>
there is only two options, that's it
1- go to ER now tell your parents you don't what's wrong but you are bleeding like hell and in terrible pain at the ER tell the doctors
2- you die a terrible death and parents do find out what you did

you do 1, or you are fucking trolling
>>
>>588571532
OP, there's a lot you can explain away AFTER getting medical attention. You can say whatever you want. But only if you are ALIVE, you dumbshit.

Call 911 right now. Otherwise, you WILL DIE. Not right away. You're going to die a slow, painful death due to sepsis. And when they do the autopsy, your parents are going to FIND OUT WHY YOU DIED. So get it taken care of right fucking now. Call 911.
>>
>>588575666
that's what I'm afraid of
>>
>>588576256
If that's your priority when you are about to die from anus light bulb glass, this is just natural selection.

What happens when religious fundamentalists are allowed to birth children.
>>
>>588575761
go fuck yourself, go to another thread and don't waste my time
>>
>>588572508
careful what you wish for
>>
Stop posting. Call now. Tell them to be discreet, tell the dispatch what happened, tell your folks it was a blowout and you were to embarrassed to tell them.
>>
0/10 total fucking makeup bullshit
>>
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>>588576185
over the course of <24 hours.
yeah, you're clearly Gregory House
>>
>>588575787
not my fault you assholes arefunny
>>
>>588574465
>death
>an option

>anything else
>not an option
>>
Okay. Im working on getting to med school. I know medical ethics. Theres patient doctor confidentiality. Stop wasting time on the web. Say you have stomach pain. Get the doctor alone and tell them it has to be anonymous. Stomach pain can be anything but tell your parents you feel pain in the upper left side of your stomach. That's the gull bladder. You over ate. Now GO.
>>
>>588576209
eat shit, he's a good man and a sargeant
>>
>>588576777
nice trips
doesn't take a doctor to know that if this fag doesn't seek medical help he's looking at some serious problems
>>
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>>588575991
>>
Abandon thread. If OP wasn't a bullshitting shit-tier bullshitter he'd be passed out from either the pain or the bleeding. There's an INTENSE amount of blood vessels in your ass, and if the shards sliced you up like meat at a Jew deli you'd have bled out by now because you didn't take the shards out.
>>
Get a stick, go up in your ass, then to the side, and pull out. Keep your ass open, and prepare to feel PAIN
>>
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>>588575669
It doesn't, but I'm not going to make a separate thread about something that is VERY related to this one. And it can give you a visual representation about how much of a retarded faggot that you are. You NEVER put something that is breakable in your ass, and NEVER put something that can be sucked up into your ass. Why not take some of the advice in this thread and get off the fucking internet, you retarded faggot? I mean, were you born retarded, or were you in a car accident that made you this way? You're going to die if you don't go to the fucking hospital. This is all assuming that this is real, which it isn't.
>>588575009
no u. I know somebody has it in this thread. And why not force OP to look in a mirror and see a visualization of what a retarded faggot he's been?
>>
>>588571532
That's not a bright idea.
>>
>>588576320
ok,I'm telling them, it hurts too much, I should prolly get drunk so the assbeating he's going to give doesn't hurt too much
>>
>>588572685
so does jesus.
>>
>Tell your parents you want to go out for a walk
>Walk for a few blocks
>Call 9/11
>Say you got jumped by some niggers and they forced you to stick it in your ass at gun point
>>
>>588576360
I'm getting really drunk then i'll tyell him
>>
>>588573871
no such thing as normal on this board
>>
>>588577005
yeah, and that would ruin /b/
>>
>>588571532
Didn't you ever see the 1guy1jar vid? Don't stick hollow glass objects up your ass.

Go to emergency room now without any ID. Give contact information for a (trusted) friend. Probably should work out 2 stories, one for your friend to tell to family, other to doctor.

If your parents do find out and disown you, it's just an inevitable outcome and assuming they were paying for your tuition, cutting you off is entirely justified as you are not a biologically productive member of the family. If they somehow kill you, you'd still be getting what you want.
>>
This is why burr plugs have a wide base, your ass sucks things in and things can get lost. yeah sorry bro u should probably go to a hospital. There's no not weird way of telling people you stick a light bulb up your butt, but you need medical attention so you probably just have to bite the bullet and tell them.

If not ur parents maybe call a friend or someone else to take you and just tell your parents you're going somewhere? Either way you need medical attention, this problem isn't going to get better by waiting.
>>
>>588576378
it Israel!
>>
>>588571532
Now that looks like it was on shitty idea.
>>
>>588576482
oh my poor ass, stop making me laugg
>>
>>588576532
ok..I will call mom in 5 minutes
>>
>>588577193
if he's your dad and he isn't a complete and total faggot himself then he'll be more worried about you bleeding from your asshole than about beating your ass

then again, he's a cop so he might just shoot you and get a raise
>>
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>>588577187
/thread
>>
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PAIN IN UPPER LEFT OF STOMACH. TELL PARENTS.
DOCTOR PATIENT CONFIDENTALITY. ITS THE LAW.
GO
>>
>>588576951
ok, I'm following your advice, will heavy drinking right now kill me?
>>
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>>588575024
Why would anyone screencap this? Are you that much of an autismal, newfag neckbearded-faggot that you believe this? OP hasn't even posted proof. He says he's in too much pain to stand up and show us, even though he is now lying on the floor and obviously has some sort of mobile device that he could easily take a picture with. He could simply roll on his side, pull down his pants, take a picture of his bleeding ass, and post it. He has done NONE of that, nor has he posted any other type of proof which he could easily do.
tl;dr OP is a lying faggot, and you are an autistic, retarded faggot for believing him
>>
>>588571532
/adv/
>>
DONT DRINK YOU WONT HEAL YOU WILL BE DEHYDRATED AND LOSE MORE BLOOD
>>
>>588577068
oh my poor sides oh my asshole, stiop making me laugh this is torture!
>>
>>588577076
I DID PASS POUT YOU FUCKING JEW KIKE!
>>
>>588577313
Alcohol could kill you, at this point. Don't drink. Call 911. You are not really understanding how serious this is. If you don't call 911 right now, you're very likely going to die in the next 72 hours. In agony. As it is, no matter what, you are going to go in for surgery and are most likely going to have a section of your intestines removed. Call 911. Quit dicking around.

If you live through this, you can come stay with me if your dad kicks you out. Just fucking call 911 and survive this.

I'm a father, OP. And I'd rather my son do something terrible, tell me about it, go to the hospital and live than die. Trust me.
>>
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>>588575186
>>
NO ALCOHOL!
your blood will thin and you'll bleed faster. Just call 911. Don't tell your folks shit till you have to, then lie
>>
>>588577173
whty so serious.. oh fuck it hrts!
>>
Hospital or suicide!
>>
TELL THEM YOU ATE SOMETHING AND YOUR STOMACH HURTS. CROUCH. MAKE A LOT OF NOISE.
>>
>>588577568
he really hates gays
>>
>>588571532
you can no shit die from this, go to the hospital
>>
>>588575228
And also thin your blood/fuck with the clotting ability, speeding up the rate at which you bleed out.
>implying this is a bad thing
OP, you obviously need to die in order to not contribute your DNA to the gene-pool. Even if your retardation isn't heritable, you would be a fucking terrible parent that would create another autistic, faggot retard
>>
>>588577076
It's actually better practice to leave impaled objects in place until you get medical attention
i.e. if you hit an artery and take the blade or whatever out, you're going to bleed out a shitload faster
>>
>>588577285
I can barely type and drink, how do you expect me to get up?

I'm calling my mom!
>>
>>588577381
I did see it and that's ho I git the idea, I just thought a smaller object would be ok
>>
>>588578037
Haha Uh huh. Like your parents by now aren't like "Hey uh... Anon... Why haven't you said hi to us? We're here early, where are you?"

Thread's been going on a half hour already, Anon would be passed out for a lengthy period of time by now, or... You know, dead, from blood loss.
>>
>>588576987
>Hates people based on sexual preference
>HE'S A GOOD MAN
lol
>>
>>588578410
Don't call Mom. call 911.
>>
>>588577392
I didn't think it would be a problem, I've shit out bananas, cyucombers, dildos.

I don't have friends that's why I'm on /b/ you ass
>>
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OP, here is what you must do.

>Scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY ANUS
>Pretend you ate something bad or some shit, like a month old taco. Be creative.
>Parents take you to hospital
>The second your parents loose sight of you you tell the truth to the nearest doctor/nurse.
>They will help you yet won't tell your parents anything.

Just make sure you tell the doctors you're not poisoned before you actually get your stomach pumped. They will understand and won't get mad.
>>
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>>588577816
>working on getting into med school
>gull bladder
>gallbaldder
pic related. it's a gull and its bladder
>>
>>588574764
>1man1jar.avi
>>
>>588577602
mom is on the way up
>>
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>>588574982
>>
Whether you like it or not youre going to have to go to the hospital. If not youll just die of an infection.
>>
I think OP has all the good advice he can use if retard is serious. If not he can follow my previous advice:

>OP Follow my instructions precisely:

>1. Convert to Judaism immediately. That will >negate your mom's Catholicism.

>2. Join the Black Panthers. That will neutralize >the statist pig powers of your dad.

>3. Shoot yourself in the head with your dad's >service sidearm. You will immediately >respawn and all will be well.

>God Speed OP and you're Welcome!

Corrected to God.
>>
>>588571532
Alright faggot heres what you needs to do.
Step 1. Found blunt weapon
Step 2. Knock out parents
Step 3. Go outside and knock out the first person you see
(hopefully its a large black man)
Step 4. Call police and tell them there is a man in your house, hes knocked out your parents and your hiding then the closet. Before get off said phone, make noise that sounds like your closet door being forced opening, then make sounds like your being raped. Found after light bulb and shove that up your ass.
Step 5. Wait for pig cops and ambulance to arrive.
Step 6. Get medical treatment.
Step 7. Tell the cops that the person you knocked out broke into your house and raped you with a 2 light bulbs.
Boom, fucking bam, zing ting nigga pow wow, problem solved. No need to thank me.
>>
>>588577392
The bottomless void called ''asshole''. If it's not attached going in, it ain't coming out.
>>
>>588577899
you sick fucks, I'm not going to take a picture just so you can jack off to my broken asshole, you sick fucks!
>>
>>588574982
Good thread to lurk mate! Why would you believe someone is in such bad pain they cant even get up yet they bothered to worm they're way up to the keyboard and request advice on /b/?
>>
>>588577939
its heping with the pain the 8 tylemols I took weren't helping me the vodka is
>>
>>588578407
I'd agree with that, but OP wasn't impaled. Shards of glass break and act like a barbed arrow, digging deeper, or going further inside, or both. And you know THIS OP is sitting cross legged like the pinnacle of faggotry that he is, he's gonna be bleeding sliced rectum like steak tartar.
>>
>>588578611
This
>>
9-1-1
Press those buttons stop talking
>>
>>588578048
mom is pissed and called dad

I gotta go
>>
>>588575131
I think you should try it anyways.
>>
>>588579190
DUMBASS DO YOU WANT TO OD
>>
>>588578410
dad is pissed and calling 911
>>
>>588578281

OP's mind :

My dad really hates gays, I should become one

Nice job OP
>>
>>588578268
not enough time for that, your parents are going to try and either fix it themselves or brush it off.
OP, you need an ambulance.
You need medical attention.
Immediately.
>>
op's going to die.

let this be a lesson to everyone, don't stick large unintended glass stuff in your butthole it will break and you will bleed internally at best and your asshole will be come one big internal scar and you'll need to wear a diaper for the rest of your life at best.
>>
>>588575707
Being dead is like being disowned also.
>>
>>588579261
Like it matters if mommy is mad. Go to ER now or DIE
>>
>>588579190
There are small fragments of glass in your ass. -med student again- go call 911 or get your parents to drive you there. You have stomach pains. >>588579190
>>
Kid you don't even have to say you're gay. Prostate stimulation doesn't mean you like cocks and men
>>
ambulance is on the way, will be here in 20 minutes because of snow

thanks you pricks, glad to see people still care
>>
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Pic related, inside of OPs ass.
>>
>>588571532
Hey, dumb fuck.You're an adult, go to the hospital alone.
>>
>>588579422
fucking this
OP, don't make your situation worse than it already is
get to a motherfucking hospital
now
>>
>>588579037
that's how we know he's lying
>>
>>588579998
What did you tell them
>>
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>>588579998
pics now!
>>
>>588579732
I told the old man I've been drinking all night and my stomach hurts and now I'm bleeding

parents are going apeshit
>>
GO TO THE HOSPITAL YOU MORON. Medfag reporting in.
>>
>>588580155
that ive been drinking all night and now stomach hurts an am shitting blood

I think they bought it

gotta go!
>>
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OP

DO NOT CALL 911.

We don't need retards like you to survive and breed.

You're gonna be okay, it's just a light bulb, it won't kill you. Trust me.
>>
>>588579998
Good luck if not trolling. Tell medical folks truth and tell parents you aren't gay but curious about prostate stimulation cuz you read it makes orgasm better
>>
All the self confirmed med-fags. Fuck /b/ must have at least 100 doctors in it at any given hour.

lel
>>
>>588580226
So you haven't told them about the lightbulb? Like other people have said I should keep that part to yourself. Tell them it's stomach pain or something and only tell doctor about the lightbulb, your parents don't need to know.
>>
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>>588580402
>>
>>588579563
Rip op
>>
I'm pretty sure you don't need a medical degree to know that glass up the ass and internal bleeding will probably kill you.
>>
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>>588571532
>insert bulb and begin to fuck myself
> major power-outage
>mfw
>>
>>588580556
There is going to be anal surgery and they will ask why they are paying so many thousands of dollars
>>
>>588580361
BOTH YOU AND YOURE PARENTS ARE HOPELSS IDIOTS. I ONLY HELP FOR THE LOVE OF MEDICINE AND THE EXPERIENCE. IF THEY HAD ANY BRAINS THEY WOULD KNOW ALCOHOL DOESNT CAUSE YOUR RECTUM TO BLEED. YOUD BE BLACKED OUT AND POSSIBLY GOING THRU AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK
>>
>>588580361
smart
>>
Rip op
>>
>>588580551
Hahaha c: I is no doctor but only hopeful med student almost done with school.
>>
efukt.com slash 2339_The_Worst_Sex_Accident_Of_All_Time.html
>>
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>>588571532
1) I work in an OR and we remove shit people stick up their asses all the time.

2) If you have intestinal bleeding, you need to get that checked out. Would you rather your dad find out you're a fag or would you rather die from sepsis.

3) Do fucking golf balls next time. They seem to the most popular thing to pull out of an ass, but they won't tear your intestinal lining.
This all could be avoided if you weren't such a faggot.
>>
>>588571532
okay OP here's your options:

1) perform self-surgery and use pliers and such to remove as much glass as possible
2) keep taking painkillers
3) go to fucking hospital
4) call a close friend who would be down to investigate your asshole

your best bet would be to take a ton of painkillers and try to slowly take out glass, pooping it out will tear your asshole and intenstines

good luck brother this is a tough one
>>
op is gonna die sad.

we found out tomorrow morning at news!
>>
>>588571532
just tell them it was a dare from retard autists online
if not u gon bleed to death nigger
>>
>>588571532
>>
>>588581567
Kek kek kek
You are too cool
>>
>>588578521
Now it's super-obvious that you're trolling.
That and the fact you won't show a picture of even the blood.
Good job, OP; you seriously trolled all these autistic newfags
>>
ambulance is outside, will update when I know whats going on
>>
Tell your parents you got a call from work saying they need you to work the night shift. Then go to the ER and tell them not to contact the family.

GL. Next time, don't use something made of glass and metal
>>
Photo of ambulance and timestamp or else we will find where you live
>>
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Yes OP. Die like a good bi-curious pig you are. Many keks to be had, troll or not.
>>
And we will not share cookies
>>
>>588580034
Your move, anon.
>>
>>588582609
this
>>
If I were OP I'd just say I slipped and fell and the lightbulb just went up there
>>
>>588579037
Yup. You're a fucking liar. I don't want to even see your asshole for any reason EXCEPT for you to prove that what you're saying actually happened. YOU'RE the sick fuck who gets off on shoving things up your ass, you insufferable faggot. Even a timestamped picture of blood on your legs would work.
tl;dr op is not only an insufferable faggot, but a LYING insufferable faggot.
>>
dad is in the other room yelling at my mother, cant hear what hes say but I hear the words faggot and fuck a lot
>>
So you went all like Arrrrr and it went all pop and then you went all ARGH ?
Seems legit didn't do Jarman any harm by the look of it
>>
>>588572508
if you die they'll still find out, not to mention you died from sticking a fucking lightbulb in your asshole and that's how they'll remember you
>>
>>588582869
Parents are tardes, I mean, they did give birth to that monstrosity that shoves remotes up its asshole
>>
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>>588582728
>>
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>>
I gotta go, paramedco is making me put my phone away
>>
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>>588581567
>>
One question, How would he get the Xray if he was in his house alone... and he said that the bulb already cracked?
>>
You need to go to the bathroom, lock the door, and gently insert a pair of tweesers into your anus. Pull out all of the shards of glass and pour peroxide in there. Also, use anti biodics. That should slow the bleeding. Your rectum may have been cut in the process. So you may want to.. er... Stick a cotton ball or two in there. Sorry. That's my recommendation.
>>
>>588575186
fag
>>
>>588583036
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS! I TOLD these autistic neckbeards someone had the gif and wasn't a total faggot and would post it. You are the confirmation. The messiah of the ass-bulb-retarded-faggot-op thread.
>>
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>>588582728
>>
>>588582940
So. Much. This.
>>
>>588583177
>thinking greatest freakout ever is real
>even after they told everyone it's all fake
>2012
ISHYGDDT
>>
>>588583184
>>
>>588580402
he won't breed because he's gay.
>>
>>588583238
>>
So. Literally evolution?
>>
>>588583036
This gif doesn't do that actual video justice. The things he pulls out after it breaks... well.. you can't unsee
>>
>>588583943
OP never said that was him in the x-ray.
Were you born retarded, or were you in a car accident that made you this way?
>>
>>588583956
>anti biodics
>biodics
>biodics
>bio dicks
>>
>>588573503
This one?
>>
>>588583036
Oh Jesus Fuck shit nigger
>>
Is OP still here or was he just b8ing us?
>>
>>588571532

Get in your car, go to the emergency room, give them no information and tell them it is a medical emergency.

Fix it up, give them all fake credentials (bring no wallet with you). Before you get the shit taken out send your parents a msg and lie to them. Say you are going to a friend's house.
>>
>>588584730
This isn't evolution... That's not how darwinism works, even.
You're fucking stupid for misusing this, along with everyone else that does so.
>>
>>588584812
Sorry, but I was not born retarded nor in a car accident, it was my misunderstanding, I tried to make it so it so it was referencing that the post was fake. My bad.
>>
>>588584390
>>
>>588575708
he already tried...
>>
>>588585101
Are you retarded? Did you actually believe ANY of this was real, especially after his replies to requests for timestamps or even pictures of any kind?
How do you ever go on 4chan? Do you believe everything posted in every single thread without proof? I bet you still fall for the picture of that chick with the glasses and the sticky note that says "72 decides what I do"
>>588585333
>Sorry, but I was not born retarded nor in a car accident
>was not born retarded nor in a car accident
>was not born in a car accident
>born in a car accident
also
>make it so it so it was
>so it so it
How can anyone understand what you're saying, you mumbling, stuttering fucking retard? You're even stuttering while typing.
You are obviously missing a chromosome, or you have too many. I am very unsure, but you have some kind of genetic retardation. Or you really WERE born in a car accident, causing significant brain damage.
>pic related: it's you
>>
>>58857731
>Getting drunk
> Alcohol thins blood
>You'll bleed faster
>Facepalm
>>
>>588571532
Go to the fucking hospital asap. I dont know how, jut do it. You either die or get saved. Can't thing of anything better. You fucked up man. GO NOW
>>
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>>588584532
>>
>>588585223

Yes it is retard.
>>
I want a timestamp op.
>>
>>588585980
>>
>>588584730
>>588585983
You mean natural selection.
>>
>>588585933
I just make sure in case. If this WAS real I at least hope that he saw my advice and dug himself out of the hole. But you're right, the likely hood of this being real is very very low.
>>
>>588585983
>citation needed.
>>588586159
He's "gone to the hospital". And by that, I mean he's been being a lying faggot the entire time and either got bored with it, or gone back to sucking cock for the evening. Or he's watching the fruit of his efforts, giggling into his Dorito-dust covered fingers while twirling the hair of his neckbeard.
>>
>>588586376

Have you ever seen the Darwin awards?
>>
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>>
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>>588586221
>>
>>588571532
Eat loads of sand to smooth the glass sharp edges and then smash some xlax worked for me
>>
>>588586376
Thank you for restoring my faith that SOMEONE on 4chan isn't literally retarded. This is exactly what I was getting at, but I was hoping that mongoloid >>588584730
>>588585983
would take the time to look up what he was saying and realize that he was wrong. Natural selection is just a component of evolution, not evolution itself.
>>
>>588586586
Yes, but that is based on the premise of natural selection. Natural selection is one of the things that drives evolution but they are not the same thing.
>>
>>588586394
As little as it means on an anonymous Chinese cartoon imageboard, I really appreciate you realizing that I'm right.
>>
>>588586932

I wasn't following this thread but isn't evolution pretty well understood by any student who took biology 1 or 2 at any university? It's pretty fucking basic.
>>
>>588572418
hospital dumbass.
>>
>>588587218
This whole thread is pretty fucking basic.
>>
>>588587218

It is they are just blowing up some blanket statement some other anon said out of proportion to make themselves seem smarter.
>>
>>588586812
Damn...
>>
>>588587610

Good point. It's about a guy who allegedly shoved a light bulb up his ass.

Why are there so many faggots on this board? Why can't they go to the gay board? Why do so many people here like trannies? Will all these questions ever be answered in this post?

No.
>>
>>588587632

Fair enough.
>>
>>588584730
Kek.

>>588586932
>>588586376
>>588585223
None of you got the reference? I am disappoint.
>>
>>588587170
Yeah, I never really got the whole reason why people are such assholes to each other. Maybe it's because their anonymity gives them a sense of being able to say whatever they want to each other with out consequence . I realize that there are actual people behind most these screens. Grown men that are acting like children half the time.
>>
>>588572508

Nice knowing you.
>>
>>588587874
>Why are there so many faggots on this board?
It's /b/, basically the gayest place on the internet.
Why can't they go to the gay board?
/b/ is the gay board
>>
>>588587218
You would think, but then we have the "if we came from monkeys, how come there are still monkeys?" "how come apes don't give birth to humans?" etc. people. Questions I last asked when I was like 8.
Thread posts: 310
Thread images: 47


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