My Grandfather smoked his whole life. I was about 10 years old when my mother said to him, "If you ever want to see your grandchildren graduate, you have to stop immediately." Tears welled up in his eyes when he realized what exactly was at stake. He gave it up immediately. Three years later he died of lung cancer. It was really sad and destroyed me. My mother said to me- "Don't ever smoke. Please don't put your family through what your Grandfather put us through." I agreed. At 28, I have never touched a cigarette. I must say, I feel a very slight sense of regret for never having done it, because your post gave me cancer anyway.
I had the most embarrassing experience with the doctor yesterday. During the examination he inserted his thermometer up the anus and I immediately got a massive bulging erection, being embarrassed I didn't notice as it slapped into his face. At this point he stood up utterly disgusted and said "Can you leave the fucking room whilst I examine your daughter".
so i was fucking this girl from behind the other night, and with no warning whatsoever, i pulled out and rammed it right up her shitter. she "turns around and says arent you being a bit presumptuous?" so i tell her "presumptuous...thats a bit word for a 6 year old"
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "it's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. it hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"april fools!" replies the nurse. "it was already dead!"
look at this bitch she is retarded
The doctor came around to my wifes maternity ward and said "Im sorry to inform you but your baby is stillborn"
"STILL BORN!" I yell, After all the shit I went through to try and kill that little shit.
This is the best thing I have ever read.
A nigger, a Jew and a grossly obese Mexican man walk into a
gay bar. They approach a cum-gargling faggot with a 2-inch
long, always flaccid penis using a laptop at a table which is
sticky with HIV ridden gay semen.
"You wanna come back to our place?" the nigger asks the
faggot. "You can toss my Mexican friend's rancid
herpes-and-shit-covered salad and jerk my Jewish friend's
wart-and-pimple-covered penis while I ram my giant unlubed
nigger-cock into your gaping, oft-fucked asshole."
"Literally nothing in the world would make me happier," says
the faggot, removing his finger from his butthole and licking
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After a week, she's so ashamed of what they're doing she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After three more weeks, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up.
So I'm making out with my girlfriend in the back seat of the car, and I start to take her pants off.
She stops me and says, "Isn't it a bit presumptuous to just assume we're going to fuck right now?"
Maybe. But isn't presumptuous kind of a big word for a first-grader?
A young black boy is helping his Mother to bake bread in the kitchen when he gets flour all over his face. He spreads the flour around a bit and turns to his Mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy!"
His mother slaps him hard across the face and says, "Go and tell your daddy what you just did!"
The boy goes through to the lounge and says, "Look dad I'm a white boy!"
The father grabs the boy throws him over his knee and slaps his arse really hard and says, "Go tell your Granddaddy what you said!"
The boy trots off and finds his grandfather and rather sheepishly says, "Look mum I'm a white boy!" The grandfather grabs the boy, drags him to the bathroom, puts a block of soap in his mouth and begins to scrub his tongue with it before sending him to his room with no dinner.
Later that evening his mother calls him down to the lounge where his family are all seated and says, "Well have you learned anything?"
To which the boy replies, "Yeah I was only white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black bastards."
There once was a whore that could blow guys while singing. There was one catch:you had to keep your eyes closed. This one dude comes in and asks the whore for a blowjob. The whore gets down on her knees and asks the guy to vlose his eyes, and then she starts to suck and sing. The guy carefully opens one eye just a little, and he sees a wooden table. On the table there was a glass eye.
Me and my mom were watching a movie together when all of a sudden a rape scene comes on. She starts to cry and whine about it and i try to tell her its okay its just a movie
I realize im really looking in a mirror
Greentext because why not
>guy drinking a beer
>his 8 year old grandson comes up and asks him if he can have one
>guy asks the kid "can your dick touch your asshole?"
>grandson says no
>later grandfather is smoking a cigar
>grandson asks for one
>guy asks "can your dick touch your asshole yet?"
>kid says no again
>later kid is eating cookies
>grandfather asks for one
>kid asks him if his dick can touch his asshole
>grandfather says "yes of course"
>kid says "well then you can go fuck yourself, these cookies are mine"
Not that great but whatever
What is the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
What's the best part of raping a 4 year old boy.
Watching him cry on the witness stand.
I was looking for a Christmas tree on a weekend when I found an artificial tree, when I was paying for the tree the cashier asked me
"Are you going to be putting that tree up yourself?"
"Does my colon look that fucking loose to you" I replied
How did they know princess diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.
I don't think he phrased it correctly
>three guys and a girl are stranded in an island
>they rape her continously
>after a while, she is so ashamed she an heroes
>they are left with no living woman to fuck
>they look at each other
>they know what's only left to do
>they are having sex
>they get so ashamed of what they are doing
>they have to bury the body
It's meant for you to think they are having gay sex until the burial part, but look how bad he fucked the joke up.
This guy is okay in my book.
So a priest, a rabbi, and a shaman walk into a bar, except it isnt it a bar. Its my eight birthday party, and there isnt a rabbi or a shamn. The priest is my father, and my father is raping me......My father raped me on my eight birthday party.
the hero we need