>random guy in shit tier iron armor shows up one day saying a dragon is burning down a city >don't know why the guards let him in >figure I can throw another body at my court wizard so I shuffle him over >Comes back with arrows sticking out of his body and holding the tablet out for my court wizard like its nothing >Hear reports someone killed literally every bandit, rat, wolf, and rabbit between here and the spot he was sent >I now need to get this pain immune lunatic murderer out of my city. >Dragon shows up >Ohthankthegods >Send the guy out on a suicide mission to kill a dragon >End of my worries >He comes back, apparently having killed the dragon and eaten its soul >According to reports just stood there and let the dragon burn him while chugging addictive and dangerous health potions he made himself. >Now standing in front of me eating an entire bushel of apples, two loaves of bread, and an entire side of beef while everyone looks on in horror and disgust >Need to get him away from my children as fast as possible >Tell him he needs to climb the tallest mountain in Skyrim and stay with the Graybeards >He leaves without a word >Hopefully thats the last I'll see of him.
>>581406391 I can't get over >According to reports just stood there and let the dragon burn him while chugging addictive and dangerous health potions he made himself. I just have this picture of my dragonborn standing there chain chugging potions like hes doublefisting beers
>be me >be friendly giant >hitting the mushrooms and the tree jelly hard while minding the mammoth herd >hear brother scream in anger and then silence >LOL he must be having a bad trip >eventually pass out and wake up as fresh as mammoth milk straight from the tit >wander over to wear brother was >brother is dead his toes are gone >look around mammoths are dead >camp is looted >fuck this shit don't need that kind of stress today >return to my cave to rinse and repeat drug abuse
>be me >chillin in wasteland >friends looting bodies of recent kills >lifeisgood.jpeg >suddenly some fool shows up >wearing dirty power armor >carrying 10 assault rifles, 50 coke bottles, 5 laser rifles, and 200 bent tin cans >suddenly time is slowed down >shoots all of my friends in the head perfectly with hunting rifle >shout "tear em apart!" >pulls out fucking nuclear catapult >wastes me >takes my clothes and leaves me in lying there naked
>be me picking wheat >Jarl is having a huge feast >Jarl is an asshole and says i need to fill his quota by the end of the day >really busy >some weird looking fucker in jester clothes breaks down by my farm >asks me for help >nope.jpeg I'm way too busy and he was just too much of a sketchy fucker >couple hours later some guy in Ebony armor stops by >asks me to assist the jester fucker >tell him I'm too busy to help him >guy rants about his 90 speech skill >for some reason i get compelled to help jester >guy in ebony armor picks all my wheat like nothing and runs off to forest to the north >can't do nothing because about it because guards don't care about strangers taking crop >wasted all day getting that wagon going >missed my quota >jarl punished me by taking my wife as a sex slave >fuck that guy in the ebony
> Be Whiterun Guard. > Have awful night shift patrolling outside of Jorrvaskr. > Fucking Heimskr running his mouth again. > I almost want to tell him to go home. > Suddenly hear loud roar, me and other guards go into a panic. Fucking Heimskr still shouting his nonsense. > A fucking werewolf suddenly appears out of Jorrvaskr. > Shitshitshit > We fire arrows at it, but it completely ignores us, and instead, goes right for Heimskr. > Heimskr finally shuts his mouth long enough to run. > Werewolf catches up to him and kills him with one swipe of his claw, despite us still firing arrows at him. > Werewolf proceeds to eat his heart. > Afterwards, just beats Heimskr's body around while we are still firing arrows at him. > Suddenly werewolf fucking vanishes. > Guards confused as fuck. > Fuck night shift.
>Be Greybeard >Chilling on the tallest mountain we could find, better here than joining those idiotic giants space program >They're going to get no-where I tell you >Get hungry, decide to go for a snack >Walking along and accidentally stub toe >Scream the ever living fuck out of the castle >People run over face-palming >Tells me some bullshit about a prophecy >lolwut bullshit m8 >Shrug it off >Probably fake anyhow >I mean why would someone know to come up here, onto this huge ass mountain, after hearing someone shout? >Eh, back to doing genuinely nothing all day >Suddenly a random fucking nudist winds up in our courtyard on a horse >The fucker literally climbed up and over a mountain using a god damn horse! >Whatever, fuck it >walk over to him >About to tell him about the prophecy, alduin and his powers >Before I get one word into my speech the fucker cuts me off and starts jumping in circles >Fuck this shit >Give him shout spell >About to tell him a generic "with great power comes great responsibility" spiel >but he runs off, beats his horse unconscious, cut's it open, shoves his shit inside of it, pulls a plate out of no-where, headbutts a wall and disappears >No >Fuck this shit >I'm just going to sit down and hope to repress all of what I just witnessed
>Be me >Be Lydia >Husband spent all day running through streams, catching very specific fish >Whatever, not the weirdest thing he's ever done >Goes home, plays around with alchemical laboratory >Puts clothes on, takes them off, drinks potions, repeats >Does this 15-20 times >Runs to the nearest smith >Drinks new potion, then upgrades a random shitty ass dagger >Attacks me with it >I have badass armor and a badass sword, so I attack the fucker >Kills me in one hit >Strips me naked, leaves my body to rot >Nobody even cares.
>be virtuous lad >spend 20 years fighting barbarians to protect my homeland >suddenly feel burning pain on my knee >can't kneel >can't properly bang wifey anymore >wifey leaves with some cool cat >sense of justice leads me into city watch >spend 20 years arresting thieves >pay no mind to naked guy searching my front pockets >my back pockets >my pocket pockets >suddenly soft breeze hits my nipples >mfw i'm wearing no armor >wtf where did armor go >take weapon out to look for light-fingered thief >mfw no weapon >negros start laughing at me with ridiculous hats >they even have curved swords >curved >swords >i guess it was just my imagination
>>581413027 >Be at home in solitude >Not massively rich, but I hold my own >Walking around house >See someone in my house grabbing all of my shit >Even the stuff worth literally nothing >Literally god damn nothing! >Yell at him to piss off >Grab my sword >He lobs a fireball at me >Guards show up >He starts backpedaling towards the room I keep all my valuables >About to hit him >He turns around and grabs a lockpick >BIG MISTAKE PAL >Wait >Why have the guards stopped? >Wait >Why can't I move? >What the fuck?! >Not even the torch on the wall behind me is flickering! >But he still seems to be able to fiddle with my lock! >Must be a powerful sorcerer to stop time >keeps trying to pick the lock, fucker doesn't realize it's the best lock I could buy >keeps trying anyway >A small pile of used lockpicks are beginning to pile up on floor >I swear to god when I can move again, I'm going to fuck this guy up >I CAN MOVE AGAIN! >He opens the door >Vanishes >... >... >... >What was I doing here again? >Eh, whateve-- >WAIT! THERE'S THE THIEF AGAIN! >Try to attack him >Miss >Runs out front door >... >... >... >Well back to being middle class I suppose
>be me >be horse chilling in whiterun stable eating some hay >some random fucker breaks down the gate and jumps on me >fuck he's heavy, continually pulls out random shit >steals me and takes me up some weird road and kills a shitload of random people >entire time gains random blocks of cheese apples cabbages ect >never gives me anything to eat, at this point I am slowly starving to death >suddenly rides me up a cliff >no idea how but I am going straight up >lol who gives a fuck >rides me to top if a huge ass mountain >we get to top and I am exhausted, no food for days and the dude riding me weighs at least 400 pounds >finally gets off, breatime.scroll >without warning shouts, I fly off a cliff and die. >I am kill
>Be me >Just tying to make a living, may have angered some people >hide in Whiterun >tfw they come after me >some half naked idiot Nord offers to help me >with any luck he'll kill the leader so they'll leave me alone >fast forward to the next day >Nord tells me he couldn't stop them and they entered the city >he has an escape plan >we meet at the stables >mfw it's a trap >mfw I'm going to be executed
> be me > be dragon > flying around bored af > lel people getting beheaded in random town square > lol fuk it Ima blow this town up > fly in, dramatic as fuk. > land on the castle > dragonshout.webm > shit flying everywhere > people running > human feces is scattered throughout because the immense fear > survivors running > shit I should kill them > ah shit left my oven on > fly away fast as shit hoping wife isn't pissed > should have killed those survivors > eh fuk it. It'l be alright > not like any of them were a dragonborn or some shit.
>Be me >Random business owner >This half naked Nord faggot enters my store >Walks around, not doing anything >I get bored, look the other way >Turn back, display case with valuable goods is open >Always keep it locked, but it doesn't really matter >Nord picks up the sword I had stored inside and walks to where I can't see him >None of my business, probably just admiring it >Comes back, I don't see him holding the sword >Must have just put it down somewhere >Leaves the store, we cool >Leave the display case open, doesn't really matter that much >Never found sword, must have just misplaced it or something
> be me > drunk as fuck at the Bannered Mare > tavern is poppin tonight > hotties walkin by me > nice blouses > slightly aroused > chug more brews > slowly gaining confidence > maybe I can get laid tonight > ohfukyea.jPG > see 9/10 wood elf chick eye balling me > actually 4/10 dark elf. > so drunk > need to impress now > drunker > she keeps eyeing me > gonna fuck this bitch out back. > get ready to slip deadly poison in her drink > doorsflyopen.webm > who the fuck is this fagit. > in walks, khajiit with mohawk > realize this is my chance to impress everyone in the tavern > drunker than ever > catman walks over to me > wants to know if he can do a quest for me > much disrespect > pissed > drunker > fight me bitch I scream > 100 gold coins say I win > he agrees > fight ensues > immediately lands 4 punches to my face > hit he 3 times as hard as I can > only do 15 damage > oh fuck > he knocks to the ground > I'm done... > lost bet. Pay him. > he stands for a bit then leaves without saying a word
>stabs criminal scum >Riots start breaking out in Whiterun >Redguards are super pissed >Town gets renamed to Equality-Run due to riots complaining about racism >Stand before the Grand Imperial Jury of Cyrodiil >Found innocent >TalosBePraised.jpg >Go back to guard duty >Familiar looking guy with Daedric Armor approaching >Guy pulls a bow on me and hits me in the knee >Fall to the ground in agony and beg for mercy >Guy goes invisible >"Before you die, you will suffer" says the guy >He curses me >I must now tell every stranger that I took an arrow to the knee >Fuck my life
>>581409020 I have like 1,500 hours in Skyrim and I.m not that bored, still a bunch to do. I've had a lot of characters and accidental deletions of saves so it would probably be less time if I still had my first character.
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