Story time thread!!! Get in here. Any story, sex or just wild

>>559975224
do I'm confused by your dad's reaction at the pool scene.

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>>559975224
>I put him in his playpen
>"But anon, he can get out of that."
>I stand there contemplating
>I hate this kid anyway
>pull him out of the playpen
>set him on the ground
>flip the playpen upside down on him so hes in a cage
>gf is too horny to care
>we fuck in her room to the sound of the child screaming and crying


Posting the old stories first, hang on tight guys.

ayyy, is this the same guy telling the stories

>>559975224
OP post pics of you GF lets see what she looks like

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>>559975409
He was just in shock that his kid was fucking his friends daughter in front of him.

>come over to her house early
>hijinks ensue
>got her knees pressed up against her chin as I pound the living day lights out of her
>her eyes are rolling back
>she's gonna cum
>she's squealing
>her hands grip the blanket
>she's got one hand on the blanket
>her eyes roll back
>she's got one hand on her my chest
>she's starting to scream as I pound faster
>she slaps my ass with her other hand
>wait.jpg
>this bitch does not have 3 hands
>I look behind me
>Nigger kid is slapping my hairy italian ass
>"NO BEAR NO! BAD STOP! NO!"
>Without missing a pump I look him dead in the eyes
>"get the fuck out of here you little spook"
>kick my shoe at him
>cum on one of his toys

I hate that kid.

>>559975438
hey hey, dont get picky, if he wants to he can, just sit and enjoy the stories, sometimes a pic isnt always the best

>>559975430
Yeah it's still me.
>>559975438
Nobody is that new. She looks like a shorter emma watson with big tits and a nice ass. If I had a phone charger I'd post her tits.


>Same gf (we're still together)
>we worked together at a Family Fun center (roided up chuck e cheese)
>she pretends to get something from the prize closet
>the only prize you're getting is this dick bitch
>follow her in
>start making out up against a wall
>rubbing her pussy through her pants
>slip my hand in
>she pulls my cock out
>starts tugging on the ol' italian sausage
>hear the door creak
>pull my hands out of her pants
>turn around
>other employee walks in
>"do you know where blah blah blah item is?"
>gf and I stare at her dumbstruck
>my back is turned to the employee
>my cock is still out and is getting harder
>"what is wrong with you two?"
>I stammer "I....I t-t-t-thought you were a ghost?"
>gf "yeah a ghost you scared us oh wow"
>employee takes items off of the shelf
>leaves
>Gf won't finish in the closet, scared of getting caught
>I jerk off in the bathroom in a fuming rage

On a side note, after this I jerked off in the bathroom every shift.

I was the manager. "I need the manager!"
"Sir he's jerking off."

>>559975707
I hate the post timer.
>be 12
>buddy is spending the night
>we've jerked off next to eachother
>we're just horny kids
>we decide to lay next to eachother
>start jerking eachother off
>suck eachother's dicks
>decide to fuck eachother in the ass
>I let him go first since he's the guest
>It takes about 20 seconds for me to realize that I'm not big on getting fucked in the ass
>Pull him out of my ass
>"I'm not done!"
>"Fuck you it's my turn"
>"fine"
>he bends over my bed
>i start pumping my young italian cock into this guy like it's going out of style
>he's biting the pillow
>I'm not into this
>I pull out
>he turns around
>"Do you want a kiss?"
>I look at him with utter contempt
>"No you fucking faggot, I'm not gay."

I ruined a young gay guy's first sexual experience because I was too horny.

>>559975869

I need to save these somewhere on my computer, she'll kick my ass if she finds them.

Remember guys, OP can't bump. So bump if you want new stories after I finish posting all this.

>be 19
>GF (still together) lives with me now
>watching a movie in our room with my other roommate
>I have the big tv (32 inch, we were some poor bastards)
>mid movie start rubbing my gf's pussy while we're under the covers
>roommate sitting in front of us on the ground
>gf slides my cock out
>slowly stroking me
>masturbate eachother for the whole movie (1 1/2 hours)
>roommate leaves
>we fuck and cum in like 5 minutes
>he tells me a couple months later that he knew what we were doing

Top kek.

>>559976012

Let me provide some back story to this.
I was in a thrift store once and I saw a child's leather jacket.
I saw a child sized winnie the pooh.
I bought them both and so I had a biker winnie the pooh.
>My girlfriend is a huge disney fan
>fucking my GF on our bed
>she's wailing like a bitch possessed
>close to cumming
>pull out and rip off the condom
>hold her down
>start jerking off next to her face
>I shoot huge loads so she's got fear in those eyes
>"don't cum on me anon!"
>I start cackling
>see winnie next to us
>plzno.jpg
>Scream out "It's either you or the bear bitch! YOU OR THE BEAR!"
>"THE BEAR DAMN IT THE BEAR!"
>i blow a huge load all over this fucking thing
>leave it on the bed all day
>she's disgusted
>wants to throw it away
>bitch I spent 100 bucks on that leather jacket
>throw it in the closet

>months later we're moving
>nephew (4) is bumming around while his dad and I are moving shit (we're best friends)
>goes in the closet
>comes back out with the crackling pooh bear doll
>I drop dead laughing as he holds it against his face and smiles
>asks if he can have it
>"sure, keep it."
>2 weeks later my sister asks if I jizzed on the bear
>tell her no
>she blames her husband

I love my family.

>>559976146


I don't know why this came to mind but here's a story about my parents

>I'm 13
>little brother just born
>sleeps in my room in his crib
>the struggle is real
>my parents are fucking
>I can hear my mom moaning
>my mp3 player's batteries are dead
>how can this get any worse?
>my mother's sex fueled howls reverberate throughout the house
>little brother wakes up and starts crying
>how can this get any worse?
>hear a dildo start buzzing in my parents' room
>jesus fucking christ. This cannot get worse
>my little brother starts crying even louder like he's been hurt
>hear running down the hallway
>my dad bursts into my room completely naked with his huge hard 8 inch cock flopping around
>"Is he okay anon?"
>mfw there was nothing wrong with the kid
>mfw it somehow managed to get worse.

Thinking back on it, my father and I have identical cocks and that's just weird to know.

>>559976146
jesus christ

madman

>>559976256

>be 15
>sorta friend-zoned by chick
>it's her 16th birthday
>we hang out with her friends at her house
>pool party, etc
>everyone else is outside
>she walks out of her room completely naked
>acts like I walked in on her
>obviously some poor attempt to come onto me
>I'm oblivious
>we swim together for a while
>it gets dark
>her dad and my dad are sitting by the fire drinking and eating hot dogs and talking about the military
>she and I are the only ones in the pool
>she's grinding up against me slowly
>her dad has his back turned to us
>my dad can see us from his position
>I pull her bikini bottom aside
>one hand over her mouth
>stuff my Italian pork into her
>whisper into her ear "happy birthday"
>start slowly fucking her
>my dad and I lock eyes
>I go faster
>he looks back at her dad with dead eyes
>chugs the rest of his beer
>I finish in the pool

Only time I ever fucked her. Thought I loved her, being a kid was shitty.

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Bumpity bump, in the interest of time, any lurkers, what do you think I should do first, exhaust or invest in a sound system because it's like the worst sounding speakers ever

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>>559975224
I just love these! 5am around here and I'm just laughing my ass off! Thanks italian anon.

>>559976509
Sound system, if you're planning on actualy using it frequently.

>>559976657
I was thinking that, the previous challenger i had came with a harmon and kardon system in it and it sounded amazing, and honestly think thats what im going to do first

>>559976345
Good to see the thread isn't dead. New story time. Let me think of a good one.
In the mean time, a shitty one.

>be 14
>meet mexican chick online
>sext her and whatnot
>real graphic dirty shit
>she asks where I'm going to be
>tell her
>she shows up at my first "job" that I'm volunteering at
>talks to my mom the whole time
>I thought she was a grown woman
>this bitch is rough
>my mom loves her
>invites her over all the time
>invites her to my surprise party
>you can bet I was fucking surprised
>She jerks me off in my room for my present
>gives me two comic books and some cologne
>hell yeah I'll take free shit from a crazy bitch
>my birthday is in november
>keep leading her on
>christmas rolls around
>my mom invites her to midnight mass (crazy catholic thing)
>I was an alter boy
>bored the whole time
>thinking of blowjobs
>the italian spaghetti gets hard
>serve mass with a hardon
>afterwards the mexican chick and I are in the back of the church
>i drag her into the bathroom
>sit her on the toilet
>she blows me
>deepthroats my cock as I start to cum
>there's a window at eye level for some reason
>it's open
>priest is walking past as I pull out and jerk off on her face
>i stop
>she stops
>we all stare at eachother as cum dribbles off her chin

Coincidentally that was the year I stopped going to church.

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>>559976976
top kek

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>>559976976
these are funny as fuck man, i have to get up at 3:30 and go to work and its 11:19 now, but these stories are keeping me up haha

>>559976976
Bump. Keep on post in. Top kek 10/10.

I shall share
>Be me, 7th going into 8th grade
>top dawg in the school
>begin 8th grade and popular as shit, girls want the d
>school starts new program mixing tards into regular classes, libtard parents were complaining
>First few weeks are good, have a tard in my gym and art class
>name is jenny
>every class we have, she stares at me like raptard stalking its prey, drools like a fish out of water
>asshole classmates that i thought were friends start talking to her to figure whats behind the tard staring at ole anon
>jenny talks about how she likes me
>"anon is hansum. i wike him"
>the lil shits eat this up, provoke her
>cunt classmates ask her what she wants to do
>points to her pussy and drools/smiles/squeals
That squeal still haunts me to this day
>"EEEEeeeeee I want anon here!"
>demoted to beta instantly, speechless and defenseless
>tomorrow is dodgeball, she will rue this day
>next day, during art (had it 2nd period and gym was 5th), we're all using water painting shit and shes doing finger painting given she eats everything the teacher gives her
>she draws a heart with my name spelled wrong
>all the niggas are laughing at me
>shedunfuckedup
>Gym class rolls around, I'm prepared to unleash the rage
>gym teacher sets us up on the same team
>fuuuuuckkk
>no big deal, stand in the back catching lobs from dumbasses on other team
>Jenny randomly turns around, points at me
>"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>ohfuckno
>no one sees this because of the free for all going on
>DK charge my windup with a dodgeball (the rubber ones)
>release it pointblank in her face
>shes down and stunned
>think I've conquered the beast, quickly run into the game like nothing happened
>lo, but it wasnt even her final form, gannondorf rises
>points at me
>"EEEEEEEE"
>Classmates see this, start laughing and making jokes about the tard wanting my d
>this tard has single handedly started a coup against my reign
>bright red with beta

>>559976976
I'm a bad person to children and small animals.
By the way, I absolutely hate mexican women. I always have.

>she's always askign when I'm gonna ask her out
>I always just say "like...whenever"
>she asks my mom if I can come over to her house
>my mom of course says yes as long as her mom is there
>"of course she is blah blah blah"
>she works during the day
>blowjobs all around the house
>this bitch has one of those little taco bell dogs
>he starts fucking biting me
>I kick him so hard he flies 6 feet back into the door
>she freaks out and accidentally bites my cock
>I slap the fuck out of her
>she starts crying
>i hold her and apologize
>awkwardly tell her I love her to try to get her to stfu
>paid off in the long run
>she finishes blowing me and lets me cum in her mouth
>I get home and she's messaging me and telling me she loves me and shit
>she tells me she wants me to take her virginity
>this is too much, I don't even like her
>tell her verbatim "Yeah...I don't really even like you like that. sorry."
>she freaks out
>calls me weeping
>I don't understand how I'm the bad guy, I didn't take her virginity, it's not like I fucked her without even liking her
>I loaned her a jacket once because it was cold out when i walked her home
>She offers to drop my jacket off at my house so I can "give it to the next girl that sucks my dick"
>I reply ".......nahhh. It was from kmart anyway."

I miss that bad ass jacket. huge flannel, maximum warmth.

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>>559977806
I would not know how to act if a bitch chewed on my dick like a steak, she'd probably get punched through a wall

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>>559977806
Don't cry for ~le jacket /b/ro. (Who doesn't hate mexican women, lmao.)
Need more of those epic tales though.

>>559977616
top kek raptard/10

>>559977616
Lmfao. That reminds me. I have a retard story.

>be 14 or 15
>girl with cerebral palsy likes me
>we literally see eachother like once a year at a christmas party
>this year is different
>she tells me she's gonna blow me and that she can tie a knot in a cherry stem
>i'm kinda creeped out
>i might take the retard blow job though
>show up to christmas get togther
>9/10 chick sitting on couch
>gorgeous makeup on
>long jet black hair
>slender
>big tits
>holy fuck this might make ME retarded
>start hitting on her in front of the retarded girl
>the entire time we're talking and the other girl keeps trying to butt in
>hot chick rolls her eyes
>asks if I want to go on a walk
>hell yes I want to go on this fucking walk
>we go on a walk
>one thing leads to another and I've got this bitch bent over a park bench while my pants are around my ankles
>railing her pussy
>my older sister walks up behind us
>"it's time to go home"
>I freeze up
>the hot girl didn't hear my sister come up
>starts pushing against my cock and makes me cum while my sister is standing behind us
>the ultimate shame


We got back to the house and the retarded chick was super mad at me. She ended up trying to convert me to Christianity and threatened to first kill me and then kill herself.
It was...a whole thing.

>>559978502
I got raped by a girl once if anyone is interested.
who am I kidding?
Of course you're interested.

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>>559977616
lol if that actually happened, there was a semi retarted guy at my highschool that worked for it, he wasnt the type of special where he couldnt hold a fork, he could hold a job as the person that cleans the lunchroom, anyways, hes so fucking funny, end up inviting him to a bonfire, we all get shitfaced, legit anytime there was a bonfire he was always there, bringing beer and having fun

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>>559978502
>starts pushing against my cock and makes me cum while my sister is standing behind us
>the ultimate shame

>She ended up trying to convert me to Christianity and threatened to first kill me and then kill herself.

Top kek right here OP. I fucking love you.

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>>559978620
yes i am, please continue

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>>559978620
FULL STEAM AHEAD MATE!

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common guys there has to be more than 6 or 7 different people in this thread lurking, everyone keep bumping so ops stories dont get cut short

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>>559979458
been lurking
will now bump

Bumpin

>>559978620
So before I started dating my current girlfriend I was talking to another chick. I stopped talking to her when I realized I was in love with my current girlfriend.
For the sake of a story we'll call the girl bethany and my current girlfriend amber.

>be 17
>bethany (18), amber (23) and I all worked together
>Bethany and I finish our shifts at the same time
>She offers to give me a ride home
>yeah sure I'll buy you lunch
>so we go to chick-fil-a because I'm fucking classy
>while we're eating she says that she heard that I liked Amber
>"aw fuck."
>she starts asking me what I like about her
>being an absolute idiot I tell her
>eyes, smile, humor, smart, pretty, etc.
>also, perfect 36c.
>"Well I'm a 36c too."
>lol okay.
>I tell her that I don't like her like that.
>"I'm not funny? I'm not pretty?"
>tell her she's both funny and very pretty (she was) but that I love Amber and that I'm sorry
>she's quiet
>we finish our food
>she gets up and we walk to the car
>pull out of the parking lot
>my house is to the right
>the highway is to the left
>she turns left
>gets on the highway
>holy shit what are you doing bitch
>she grabs my cock and starts screaming about how Amber doesn't want to date someone with a little cock and how Amber doesn't want to date someone 5 years younger than her
>I pull her hand off and she veers through the lanes
>"I'll fucking kill us anon"
>"okay okay"
>she grabs my cock again
Cont in a second

>>559979649
>>559979646
>>559979643
You guys are what keeps /b/ alive.


>"unzip your fucking pants you asshole"
>unzip my pants
>she's hitting 85, 90
>she starts grabbing my cock
>"YOU CAN'T EVEN GET HARD YOU ASSHOLE. AM I UGLY?"
>no you're not ugly
>she lets go of the wheel
>wtf
>pulls out her tits
>puts her hand back on the wheel
>"DO THESE MAKE YOU HARD?"
>starts tugging my cock
>I get hard
>I think this might be my fetish
>she starts jerking me off while we're doing 90 on the highway and dodging traffic
>I think of Amber the whole time
>I cum on her dashboard
>red and blue lights as we hit 100
>she pulls her shirt down
>I zip up my pants
>she tells me to act cool
>cop comes up to the window
>makes me show my hands
>he focuses on the dashboard where, between my hands, there is a few streams of cum
>"What the fuck are you two doing?"
>I sheepishly say "Just joyriding officer."


She still got the ticket. You guys are the only people I have ever told about this.
She just thinks she gave me a handjob.

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>>559979669
i am very intrigued by this

>>559979669
Lol ur gr8 op

OP post picture of GF plzzzz

>>559979669
>>559979942

Woah...Damn man, that's agressive. Kinda nasty of her. How do you feel about it?

>>559980062
i actually wanna see a pic of OP

>>559979990
>>559979978
It was traumatizing.

I have a shit ton of stories, this one isn't sex related.
If anyone has stories, share them! Open up another tab and bump this thread while writing your story!

>>559979942
Lurkin still m9
Quality stories

bump because no one is bumping

>>559979942
Damn son. This ish is great.

Ill post a story just to kill time

>Be back in highschool
>Was around 15 turning 16
>There was a trainbridge that went over a stream in the forest that had a path on it
>always smoked there
>if you follow down the tracks there was another bridge but cars go on top
>one day we decide to smoke there
>see a guy drinking a 40
>ok whatever we can talk with him
>smells like booze, looked homeless
>I mean if youre sitting under a trainbridge drinking i guess you are
>We start to talk and be friendly
>about to roll up when he reaches into his pocket
>oh shit hes bouta fuck us up
>pulls out a qp from the largest pants pockets ever
>"shits medical, i got a card"
>how the fuck
>He sparks us until we are high as shit
>Thats how we met him
>didnt see him for a while
>I swear on my fucking life i thought he was a miracle worker or something
>We would just so happen to see him if we were out of weed or the person in the gasstation wouldnt sell to us
>still to this day when i drive around near where i grew up i can see him walking around sometimes
>Hes way older now, maybe mid 60s
>dont smoke weed anymore but thinking about that brings back memories

>>559979942
holy shit, that's kind of hilarious. The fuck didn't you take her somewhere and fuck the shit out of her ass?
This is what angry violent revenge sex is made for.
She wanted it, obviously.

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>>559980151
>>559980151
Sorry, I lost connection.
This is one of the only pictures not on my FB.

I know I'm a retarded faggot.

>>559980672
Because this bitch was crazy lol.

>>559980776
Aaaaand your GF?

>>559980776
oh come on, you dont look like full retard, maybe just a little tard

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>>559980156
Ok, let's share the reason why I don't have many friends! Just for you /b/!
>Some years ago
>Be me
>14
>Be at school
>Science Class
>Boring shit
>We start forming groups for a group work
>I have a realy retarded kid in my class that I hated/hate from the bottom of my hearth.
>Let's call him "Eduardo".
>I'm the last one, only two people remain to form the last group: My bro, and Eduardo.
>"Yo, teacher."
>"Yes anon?"
>"I don't want Eduardo on my group".
>Everyone looks at me in a super shock, like I'm the coldest man in the universe.
>"Why would that be?"
>"I dislike him alot. I don't trust him to do any part of the work, thus he would be useless in our group, like he is in the rest of his life."
>Everyone stares at me coldly.
>I try not to smile and laugh like I feel like doing.
>He starts crying
>Leaves the classroom
>No one speaks to me anymore, only my bro.
>No regrets, felt fucking good.

>>559980916
Not happening champ.
Just assume she's prettier than I am.

>>559980973
maybe just a little.

You've got me distracted. It's story time.

>>559980884
exactly, she probably would've gone crazy for it, and you could have had some sort of revenge by doing it!

Perfect opportunity!

>>559980435
>be 16
>Me and my friend goin to a party
>Two interested lookin ladies there one 6 one 7
>Start drinking and having a couple bogs
>Night rolls around and everyone is fucked up
>One kid brings out a bowl some blunt raps and some weed
>imeanwhynot.mpeg
>get on hosts Trampoline in backyard to smoke with girls
>take 2-3 hits and have a nice cross fade goin
>all the sudden the two girls nod at each other and start going for me and my friend
>there is a god, the 7 goes for me lookin like a 9 in my haze
>me and my bro hook up and finger bang these bitches on a trampoline with like 6 other people on/next to it
>they don't know what to do and kinda just sit there
>no fucks given
>go home
>successful night

bump so I can keep lurkin

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>>559980776
Look like a FINE STUD! You should get a fedora though.

Bumpin

>>559981032
How did you get stuck with the retard in the first place?

>Be 20 (now)
>went to festival to see Chevelle (fuck you they're good)
>Stayed for Avenged Sevenfold
>never was a huge fan but they're good as fuck live
>moshing and stuff
>take a break and drink some water
>drugged up hippie woman is going around the circle and trying to pull people in
>they don't want to come
>she punches them
>what the fuck
>I scoot to the edge of the pit so she sees me
>she comes around
>grabs me
>I pull her arm off me
>she slugs me
>I hit her straight in the fucking face
>she drops like a bag of meth
>Her hippie boyfriend comes up
>I hit him too before he can do anything
>he drops too
>Huge skinhead dude grabs me and holds me because he thinks I've gone on a rampage
>I tell him I'm cool
>hippies get dragged out be security
>I somehow don't get pulled out
>continue to mosh
I didn't realize until like the day after that I fucking knocked out a woman.

>>559981132
Not every pussy needs to be fucked. Although I do regret not tasting the honey. Just definitely not that time.

>>559981218
>fingerbang these bitches on a trampoline
hawkward.

>>559981534
lol

>>559981581
Everyone picked their groups, me and my bro were left, and he hand't been picked to any group. Who would pick that guy? lmao. No one liked him, they just didn't have the balls to say anything.

>>559981725
that's right bro, not every bitch needs to get fucked, some need to get punched in a mosh

>>559981725

>be in band
>I'm assuming none of you are familiar with G-Unit
>G-Unit was the group 50 Cent was in.
>There was a guy named Yung Buck in his group.
>I'm in a punk band
>we somehow get booked with Yung Buck
>4 other bands on the bill, we're on right before him
>the venue owner decides to drop all of the other bands and make my band play an hour long set
>last minute he's gonna charge everyone who wants to see the "rock band" an extra 10 bucks and charge 15 for Yung Buck
>Only our fans/friends show up
>all of yung buck's fans stay outside because fuck us
>we're a local band at the time
>we have like five songs
>we have an hour set time
>yung buck comes in and listens to us play green day covers
>yung buck was the only other person to come to our show

Super chill dude, hit on my sister the whole time though.

>>559981725
>HAWKWARD
I HAD THIS CUNT FATASS GIRLFRIEND ONCE THAT I WENT OUT WITH SO SHE WOULDN'T KILL HERSELF SHE SAID HAWKWARD ALL THE TIME I HATE THAT SHIT. One day woke up to forty texts saying "I love you anon" Sent her a text saying we're over and never to call me or text me anywhere again. Blocker her number. Broke off all contact, She's in a mental hospital now. No regrets. Fuck that bitch,

>>559981893
>>559981581
Top kek, IMO, everything has been said by the kind anon mentioned above. FALCON!

>>559981893
I think that's the only time I've hit a woman. I've been in plenty of fights but I've never hit a woman before that.

>be 15
>fall asleep on couch in livingroom while watching tv
>wake up around 3ish
>decide it's a good idea to start fucking jerking off
>I'm just fucking cranking it like it's the first time I've ever done it
>my dad suddenly walks out of the kitchen with a PB&J and, cackling, he walks through the living room back to the master bedroom
>it was light enough for him to see
>we never discussed this

>>559982153

top kek, that owner though...

>>559982189
.....hawkward

>>559982189
'-' What. The. Fuck.

>>559982445
Why would someone just start fapping at 3am? That's just so random. :U

>be me
>15
>virgin
>she broke up with some dumbfuck so she can be with my friend
>my friend doesn't give a fuck
> I like her, so I start talking to her, eventually we kinda fall in love
>one night I invite her to my house
>mom is gone, so I eat pizza with her and my bro
>she can't say a word, she is constantly laughing because she was so nervous and shy
>we go to bed
>it's going to happen
>we kiss
>I touch her pussy over her clothes
>takes off her pants, she has some kind of boxer
>ask her if she feels ready, we were both virgos
>she says she is not sure
>I keep feeling her clit
>she cums so hard
> mfw I was too "respectfull" to fuck her

>>559982450
He was a total shit head. Got his ass beat by Amon Amarth because he refused to pay them for the tickets they sold.

>be 16
>my dad and I are living together while the rest of my family is out of town for some stupid shit
>I walk to burger king and meet with some friends
>we walk back to the house
>door is now locked
>knock
>knock
>knock
>knock
>"GOD DAMN IT I'M COMING."
>my dad opens the door
>sweaty
>sits down in the livingroom
>I go back to the computer with my friends
>browser minimized
>pull it up
>painal double penetration asians
>bondage
>redhead getting fisted by someone's foot
>wtf
>go out to living room
>"What the fuck dad."
>"What Anon?"
>"Were you watching porn?"
>"....what?"
>"There was fucking double penetration and bondage and some foot shit and shit on my computer"
>"No man that must have been you"

Fucking asshole.

>>559982809
w-what?
Are you serious?

Did you not get her at a later time?

>>559982445
Same one who saw you fuck the pool girl?

>>559982809
That shit actually happened 2 times with the same fucking cunt... I regret so bad

This is a story about how i got a girl to fucking hate me and my soul


>Be back in highschool
>Be 17
>Bros parents were out of the house for the whole weekend
>Nice Nice
>invites around 20 people over
>theres 2 bottles of smirnoff
>100 beers
>2 handles of fireball and one nasty ass fourloko
>shits going down
>he has a bar in his basement
>shit was getting loud and everyone was getting shitfaced
>I go upstairs to chill with a few people
>half were downstairs half were up
>by that time i was 11 shots and 9 beers deep
>I was about to pass out
>See one of the girls stumbling around about to fall and smash through glass table

Some back story for what happens next
>There was a girl there that couldnt drink because she had a competition or someshit in the early morning
>was the biggest fucking feminist ever
>lets call her Rachel

>ok so
>I went to go and help that girl not kill herself
>well i guess rachel thought the same too
>She was behind i was in front
>I threw my arms out to grab that girls shoulders
>Too drunk
>Punch rachel right in the face
>Im not talking any ordinary punch
>this was some streetfighter combo breaker move to her lower jaw
>Makes the loudest sound
>Oh fuck
>She like "DONE IM LEAVING"
>She leaves with a girl like 10 mins later
>Go downstairs and tell everyone after she leaves and laugh about it
>Spinning
>oh fuck
>By that point i was done
>i ran upstairs to throw up in the toilet and to piss
>Fall on the floor because it feels so nice and cold
>friends lead me downstairs
>Wake up to a swastika on my forehead
>banana in my ear, no fucking peel
>and a throw up stain on the carpet and my whole shirt
>They say i missed like the best parts of the party
>Friend gave me shirt to wear instead of throw up shirt
>Never gave it back and I still have it

>>559982809
Being "respectful" is fine. If you fuck her and she's not comfortable with it, chances are she won't fuck you again.
>>559982790
I have the sex drive of one of those little mice that die within 3 hours. All I do is jerk off and fuck.

>Getting really high in a wash with my buddy
>"Hey, im gonna go take a piss"
>he leaves
>im still smoking
>friend backs up into the wash, looking up toward the street which was out of my view
>he looks nervous as fuck, biting his lip and shaking
>"Good evening, officer"
>fuckthat.nigger
>grab everything illegal
>fun like fuck
>friend catches up with me
>"dude I was kidding"

Never trusted him again

>>559982979
>same one
I only have one dad. I mean, I guess gay couples are two dads but I just have the one.
He's a total fucking bro. I could tell some of his stories if you want.

>>559982979
see>>559983025

eventually i dumped her because i felt like we were not even close... still feels bad to this day that i never penetrated her twat

>>559983217
dooit


>>559983237
well fuck

>>559983132
LMFAO. My buddy did the same shit to one of my friends and he fucking jumped through a window. He had a stolen gun on him.
...I'm glad I don't hang out with those people anymore lol

>>559983101
yea, but in that case i wasn't respectful, i was beta

File: Feels good man.jpg (9KB, 247x204px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 247x204px

>>559982809
Respect /b/ro, respect.

>>559982959
>sweaty
>"No man that must have been you"

Top fucking kek. *feels good from laughing man*

File: piercing.jpg (118KB, 328x380px) Image search: [Google]

118KB, 328x380px

>be me
>body piercer
>two girls come in, say they want "bff clit piercings"
>yeahokay.jpg
>have them fill out paperwork, bring them to the back room
>first piercing goes smoothly, girl didn't even flinch
>second girl drops trou
>it's as dense as the amazon rainforest and twice as humid
>try not to retch right then and their
>need to forrage through bin laden-grade pubes to even mark her
>eventually get everything set up, tell her to take a deep breath in and exhale when she's ready
>other girl wants to mess with her friend, makes a fucking barking noise the moment I'm about to pierce her
>we both jump
>hollow needle goes right into her clit
>we all start screaming
>girls are crying and hobbling out the door
>won't let me near her to pull the needle out of her, just keeps blubbering
>doesn't even have her pants all the way on as she leaves the shop

I love my job, but I hate my customers.

File: 1382574771986.gif (487KB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

487KB, 500x375px

>>559975869
>I let him go first since he's the guest
now this is a good host

>Be 14
>summer
>Have a girlfriend but parents don't agree with me being a faggot
>parents also hate gf
>decides to not let me see her anymore
>Friends birthday, she's having a sleepover
>fuckyes.jpg
>doesn't tell mom shes coming so i'll be allowed to go.
>finally see her again after 2 months
>really happy
>we hang out all day
cont?

>>559983132
I hated when my friends used to fuck with me like that when i used to get stoned, one of my friends would always end up in the front of the car and roll down the windows when we were high as shit and say "oh shit its the fucking cops" I used to get so pissed

>>559983595
>don't agree with me being a faggot
tits or gtfo

>>559983327
>>559983217
Alright

>be my father
>no luke
>anyway
>18
>army
>doing drills
>wargames and whatnot
>tasked with guarding our shitty little fort in the woods
>we have M16s loaded with a certain kind of blank
>totally safe
>enemy keeps coming up to us
>we hold them off
>it quiets down
>we're afraid of a sneak attack
>I'm by myself in the texas cold
>i hear rustling
>look around
>enemy soldier is coming over the wall
>instead of firing my gun I take it by the barrel
>swing it like a fucking baseball bat at this guy's legs
>horrible shattering sound
>his shins are sticking out of his legs
>blood everywhere
>they evacuate him
>he was a lieutenant
>I broke both of his legs
>in war games
>get promoted to Private First Class

My dad is a fucking lunatic but I love him dearly.

While these are hilarious, you should probably stop cumming on children's toys.

>>559983540
>>its as dense as the amazon rainforest and twice as humid
>>try not to retch right then and their
>>need to forrage through bin laden-grade pubes to even mark her
kek'd at bin ladden pubes

File: 1367278451840.jpg (9KB, 282x272px) Image search: [Google]

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OP i want to be your friend

>>559983949
Let's chill then. Where do you live?

>>559983795
This is America, you can't tell me where to cum.

>>559983707
>get promoted to Private First Class
Dude, I just love your stories. I'm laughing so hard.

>be 16
>be in high school
>meet a 9/10 asian girl
>interested at first sight
>get to know her
>fast forward a year later
>we talk on the phone regularly
>she gets really horny
>she initiates phone sex
>holyshitisthisrlyhappening.jpg
>we start to get feelings for each other
>month later, she becomes first ever gf
>she's somewhat notorious for being a hoe
>idgaf.jpg
>she was 9/10
>dat ass was 10/10 tho
>i start to buy condoms just incase
>fast forward a month into our relationship
>we have sex for the first time
>idkwhattodo.exe
>she probably enjoyed it
>i didn't cum at all
>missionaryinthedark.png
>she still gave some good head though
>fast forward 4 months later
>she gets back with her ex
>i get super fucking depressed
>i spiral down mentally
>feeling beta as fuck
>the dude left her after like 2 weeks
>she gets fucked up emotionally
>karmabitch.exe
>i just realized i deserve more than a hoe
>she wants to talk again but i just ignore
>start feelin alpha again

This is why high school girls suck. Relationships should really only be serious post-high school.

>>559983607
EVERYONE has that one friend who stays sober and fucks with you.

>Be 19
>Dad and I are chilling with a couple of our friends
>we light up a blunt
>one of my buddies decides it's a good idea to start flinching at us
>it's scaring the shit out of me
>I'm weird high
>He laughs his ass off
>he flinches at my dad
>my dad reflexively knocks him the fuck out
>we all laugh our asses off and pack a bowl while he's laying there on the couch

>>559975515
kek, Italia bro, are you Siclian?

>>559984165
Relationships ARE only serious post-high school.

>>559979458
Bump. I aim to please.

>>559984320

Ehh, serious relationships can develop during High school. I've seen it. The concept of a high school sweet heart.

>>559984298
Sardinian. Small island outside of Italy. I'm a third generation American.

I have a scary story, thought I was gonna die if anyone is interested in that.

>>559984216
>my dad reflexively knocks him the fuck out
Your dad's a fucking badass OP! Love that guy and I don't even know him.

>>559976379
Cool dad

bamp

great job op, i think i love you

>>559982809
Holy shit, there should be another last letter in the Greek alphabet invented to describe what you did there.

>>559984445
coming from you every story is interesting

>>559984031
True, it's still a little weird.

I wish I had stories like you. My most interesting story is of me falling off a car.

>>559984445
I'm interested in anything that comes from you.
>Anything

>>559984616
lol. Thanks brah, i'll take it as a compliment

>>559984216
My dad is the rough ass guy type, always fucks with me, we always square up and box and shit, tells me all of these stories from his childhood growing up in nyc, having a guy as your dad and also your bro is just one of those things that makes me happy

Top keks keep em comin

>>559984431
Well fuck 'em. We know now what we should have known then and you'll never be able to convince a highschool kid otherwise.

I'm sitting here with my dog typing all this shit out. Love this bastard.

>>559984445
>Driving in ghetto by myself
>I carry a handgun in my car but I'm too young to carry it concealed
>I forget what I was even doing here
>I like to blare metal in the hood because I hate the chimps that blare rap
>at red light
>Trayvon SR comes up towards car
>I look over
>he motions for me to put me window down
>I crack it
>"Whats up man?"
>"ay what's up boy lemme talk to you for a min"
>"Nah man."
>he insta-niggers
>pulls out knife
>punches my window and shatters it
>glass in my lap
>nigger on my left
>glass in my face
>I use my left hand to shove him back
>grab my gun
>pull it out and point it right in his face
>he jumps back and throws his knife down
>"ay man I was just playing"
>"man don't kill me man"
>I tell him to take off his clothes or I'll fucking repaint the road with his blood
>he stares at me
>I uncock and recock the gun for dramatic effect
>he gets naked
>it's cold
>shriveldick
>I get out of the car
>have him back up 30 feet
>pick up his clothes
>throw them in the backseat
>he tries to reason with me and walks closer to me
>I fire a shot
>he runs like there's a special at KFC
>I get back in my car
>leave
>get home
>call my dad
>go over to his house
>drink beer and burn the nigger's clothes

i got a story from a few years ago

>be 16,get kicked out of the house by parents
>this 22 year old (lets call him benny)dude says i can crash at his place for a few days. only known him for like a week
>his 7/10 17 yo girlfriend lives next door to him but is at his place pretty much 24/7
>first night we all have some drinks watch a movie and go to sleep. they sleep in his room while i sleep on le living room couch
>next morning i take a shower before school while benny gets off to work
>decide to skip because fuck it i got kicked out of home anyway,good enough of a excuse
>have breakfast with his girlfriend and chit chat a bit,decide to watch forrest gump on dvd
>smoke a joint together while listening to some music before i put the dvd in
>start the movie
>at some point she acts like she needs to get up and get something from the table and falls on my lap
>ohok.jpg
>make out for a few mins,skip the fingerbanging part and go straight at it
>literally fuck her from the 10th minute of the movie until the point where forrest is running around the world
>this goes on for 3 days while he is at work
>make up with parents and go home,cum on her face and into her ass on the last day
>they got married last year

>>559984738
Duly noted. Cum soon.
>>559984929
I love my dad, we drink and smoke pot and watch documentaries and fish and just chill together a lot. I finally understand him now that I'm a man. Glad he'll go to his grave knowing his son loved him like a brother.

>>559985134
Your dog is typing all this? Impressive.

>>559985160
You have no honor.

I had a similar situation but the guy's wife was like 4/10.
>watching tv
>we're the only ones home out of like 6 roommates
>she's wearing a nightgown
>lays on the couch with her pussy pointing at me
>spreads her legs
>freshly shaved beef curtains on the menu
>I chuckle
>stand up
>grab my keys and leave

>>559985274
He's a smart Labrador but he isn't THAT smart.
Maybe I should proof read.

>>559981407
i am crying

>Be back in highschool
>Be 16
>My old friend owned a really old ford extended cab, 5 tinted all around, shit was fun
>Anyways the car is packed
>We just got done smoking a Half out of bongs, zongs and a gravity bong at my friends house
>We are on like another level stoned
>Driving down a semi crowded road during the day, but not so much at night
>This guy is stumbling in the middle of the street
>Drunk as shit
>we pull off on a street like right next to where he was
>We turn our heads back
>He attacked the car behind us
>So we were like we need to go there and see that lol
>We are like halfway down this long road
>friend throws it in reverse
>Floors it
>dude what the fuck
>we are about to hit hyperspeed in reverse flying down this road
>Screaming at him to stop
>Stops legit an inch infront of a telephone pole
>Fuck
>Drive back onto the main raod
>a few mins after we see an ambulance and 2 cop cars speed past us
>Shit was funny as fuck because i was rekt out of my mind

>be 16
>at a friend's party
>just out of a relationship, bitch broke my heart and emotional shit
>decide that i can fuck whoever i want now
>get this girl who is a good friend of mine
>she's like a 5/10 but with makeup is 6/10
>pull her aside
>do my wikka magic charm shit
>i can see through her bikini she's wet
>starting to see that she's not that attractive
>try to end conversation
>she asks why im such a pussy
>felt compelled to go through with it
>start making out
>lots of friends come around the corner
>i noticed but they all left
>start to finger her
>she starts moaning
>one problem.
>i cant get fucking hard
>she starts reaching down my pants
>ohnoohnoohnoohno
>i stop and just walk away and go home
>don't regret it

>>559975224
>Be me 9 years old
>have old buzzlightear rocked pad
>its does not fit anymore so its stuck with buzz inside
>try forcing it but just make the hole bigger
>stupid preteen idea, stick dick inside with lots of shampool
>dick hard, rocket pad shaking, trusting at all my will
>suddenly it breaks appart, buzz is free and land on my side face on rug
>"To infinity, and beyond!"
>mfw i came
>mfw i lost virginity to buzz
>mfw i have no face

>>559985427
legend

>>559985134
>he runs like there's a special at KFC
top kek right here.

>>559985160
>>559985427
anon only knew "benny" for a week, it's not like he broke the bro code

>>559979012
Those little shits are good.

File: 1364034579313.jpg (25KB, 435x390px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 435x390px

>my birthday a few weeks back
>go out, get hammered, end up crashing on my cousin's couch
>this italian chick i've had a bit of chemistry with for the past few weeks is with us
>we get stuck on the couch because its fuckhuge and there arent any spare beds
>cousin cracks a joke - "no fucking on the couch guys, i use my laptop here"
>"dw gurh, you can rest easy" italian says
>cousin goes to bed
>a few minutes go by
>she reaches out for my hand
>puts my hand down her shirt
>nice tits babe
>start feelin her up
>she gets up and straddles me
>we start making out
>mfw we stealth fuck on my cousin's couch at 5:00 a.m

I told my cousin a few days later and she flipped shit, lmao

>>559985427
So I'm in a shitty situation now and after moving back from another city I ended up moving back to my parents with my girlfriend.

I sleep in the livingroom on the couch and she sleeps in the guest bedroom.
Every morning when my dad goes to work we fuck.

>wake up
>dad is gone
>morning wood
>i know where this is going
>go into the guest bedroom
>lay next to her on this tiny ass bed
>grab her tits from behind
>this mattress sucks so we can't do it missionary
>pull her to the edge of the bed
>bed is really high (captain's bed)
>i'm on my tip toes while I'm simultaneously holding her up
>too much
>keep losing my boner
>get frustrated
>she gets mad at me
>I'm mad so I tell her that if she wants me to fuck her she shouldn't just lay there like an idiot
>"well now I'm not sucking you"
>"whatever motherfucker"
>go in bathroom
>beat off on toilet
>as I cum one of the cats creeps out from behind the toilet and starts rubbing my ankles

My Shame Is True.

>>559985248
thats fucking beautiful as fuck. my dads a drunk so i can't relate. and always gives me shit for being a lazy stoner that does nothing with my life

>>559984431
>>559984320

My current relationship (over a year so far) started in high school, but it was about 2 months before graduation so it was almost post-high school

Pretty sure that's one of the factors that have contributed to us still being together

>>559985796
he shared his house with him, helped him when he needed and only knew him for a week. this guys is a douche and a bad friend

>>559983132
Another good one, me and my buddy do a lot of stupid shit

>destroying an xbox because its been broken for years and we just got a new one
>My friend, his girlfriend, and little brother and sister all came along
>smashing this thing to bits
>I throw it one last time
>heave it onto the ground
>friend's little sister screams
>look down
>hands are COVERED in blood
>oh shit
>slashed the skin between my index finger and thumb
>wrapped a dishcloth around it for like 3 days
>finally went to urgent care
>almost got gangreen

I still have the scar

>>559975224
>>559975416
>>559975515
>>559975707
>>559975869
>>559976012
>>559976146
>>559976256
>>559976379
>>559976976

I've had such a rough fucking day. Thank you OP for putting a smile on my face. LOL'd at all of these.

Have a few of my own, might post.

>>559984445
I'm 4th generation, Sicilian. Well my dads mothers family was from Naples, besides that Sicilian all the way. I want to immigrate to Italy one day. Do you ever think about that? Have you ever visited Sardinia?

>>559986110
pic of scar or it didnt happen

>>559982809
rolling for get

File: WIN_20140731_224117.jpg (116KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

116KB, 1280x720px

>>559986250
best I can get

>>559985797
Fuck yes they are. Eat them when you're hungover.

They're not like good for hangovers or anything, they're just delicious.
I have a story for everything, I have a story for butterscotch (also good for hangovers)

>Decide to walk to the mall with my two buddies at 9pm
>mall is 6 miles away
>we have no money
>figure we'll be fine with no water
>we are not fine
>we are dehydrated and becoming delusional
>we have no money
>start scrounging the side of the highway for coins
>pennies
>quarters
>we're almost at 60 cents
>one of my buddies sees something shine
>screams "QUARTER!"
>runs into the road and bends over to pick up a coin
>as he stands back up he gets hit in the fucking face by a car's mirror
>he's down
>my other buddy and I drag him off the road
>but that quarter though...
>I run back out and grab it.
>it's a fucking penny
>corner store is a half block away
>leave my buddies
>I pick up more coins on the way there
>we now have $1.06
>i walk into store
>dirty and tired
>it's like 11pm now
>I see butterscotch for 99 cents
>nothing else in the store for that price
>i buy it
>walk back
>sit down
>my buddy is awake
>we sit on the side of the road and eat butterscotch while my buddy softly sobs until my dad comes and picks us up.

>>559986105
to be honest im 22 years old now so it was 6 years ago and i still feel bad about it.

but i was fucking 16 years old back then and if you put free 7/10 pussy in a normal 16 year olds face he will take it.

also i turned me on so hard that she was willing to cheat on her boyfriend with me. maximum confidence boost even if it sounds pathetic

>>559980776
Fuck man now the illusion is dead. I thought these stories were about a bunch of good looking people. You're stories are funny but you are not what I was picturing.

>>559985936
My dad and I drink a 36 pack a day. We should get that in check.

>>559986000
Neato

>>559986105
Yeah he probably shouldn't have done it.

>>559980776
The Italian Stallion himself

>>559986235
Go for it my friend.

>>559986241
I'm about to receive about 200k in cash and 500k in stocks as an inheritance. It's my dream, Sardinia looks like the fucking bahamas.

>>559986619
Sorry to disappoint, just close your eyes and imagine patrick stewart.

>Be me junior year of high school
>Have 3 friends, we always hang together over summer because I'm out of town during school
>Shitty day for my friend, got into fight with bitch gf, break up for the second time now
>I know she's gonna try to get back together with him
>She's already calling him
>fuck this
>I steal dads bottle of absolute vodka
>the 4 of us go to park by my house and drink the whole thing
>The only reason I know how much I had to drink is because I was keeping tally on my arm.

Later I found out i supposedly had 21 shots of vodka

From what I remember of the night, my friends and I streaked around the park at 10pm at night and then carried our clothes to the house.

>Back at my house
>friends exgf is calling, and he's too drunk to even understand what a phone is
>too drunk
>he starts puking everywhere
>friend 2 is puking everywhere
>friend 3 and I barely have our wits and apparently cleaned all the vomit that night.

Only reason I know parts of this story is from what friend 3 told me. What i remember the most vividly was trying to dress my friend after he puked all over himself. I pulled down his boxers, but I fell forward and headbutted him in the nuts. At one point friend 3 had to pick up vomit with his bare hands because my friend puked into the wrong side of the kitchen sink and it wouldn't drain. He's a real bro.

All in all it was a good night.

>>559986628
I have a friend that looks like a small Sylvester Stallone.

>>559978961
different woman

bumping this thread

>>559983795
I lost it to this comment.

>>559985652
Top
Fucking
Kek m8

>>559982959
Anon, you're chill as fuck. Honored to have met you my /b/ro

>mfw I have a similar story
>watching TV in the living room
>it's kinda loud but I give no shits
>switch to Inception, cause I like that fucking movie
>10 minutes late it switches automatically to porn
>thefuckisthisshit.png
>I go to change the channel and it says 'Are you sure you want to change the channel an stop recording'
>Goddamnit Dad
>DAD! COME HERE
>he walks in
>Why are you watching porn in my living room
>Dad, seriously, why'd you set it to record porn
>i didn't, you must be watching something
>No Dad, you're recording TV porn
>I am not, you must have done something
>Damnit dad, I have a laptop for this, just admit you we're recording porn
>he just changes the channel and says 'stop watching porn in the living room'

>>559986776
Yeah, once I'm done with school and I get enough money I'm going to Italy. I'd like to live in Sicily if I can find a decent job there. If not I can settle for something on the mainland.

>>559986971
I know. That's why there's a space between the greentext.

>>559976379
>my dad and eye lock eyes
>start going faster
I fucking lost it bro

>>559986790
keking like a real bitch right now, thanks bro, awsom story

>>559987092
top kek, that dad is too proud to admit it.

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>be me
>19
>landscaping for my uncle
>we blow the garbage/leaves from the street onto the lawn then run it over with the mower
>im blowing garbage onto the lawn
>my brother is on the ride on mower
>he runs over the garbage
>paper is scatered all over the lawn
>wtfisthisshit.mp4
>mfw my brother just mulched an envelope of hundred dollar bills

>>559986790
I hate vodka.
This story is why.

>my sister is moving
>last night in her apartment
>get together with a bunch of my friends
>couple bottles of vodka
>try to pet her cat
>little bastard starts fucking me up
>throw the shithead
>some chick shows up who I seriously dislike
>we were taking shots out of the bottle cap
>she takes a shot out of it
>I stare in disgust
>start drinking from my bottle
>fast forward to about 3 hours later
>three quarters of this bottle are gone
>all my friends are outside running around
>my manlet friend is running around completely naked
>massive cock for his size, like 5 inches soft
>woman walking her dog sees him
>he runs up to her
>slaps the dog with his cock
>runs away ass naked
>she just laughs and is a creepy old lady
>we make our way back inside
>I've decided to run everywhere because running is faster than walking and since I'm drunk this is the best thing since sliced bread
>I run into the bathroom
>manlet is puking his guts out
>i've got to piss
>I've been pissing in the sink all night
>it's time for something new
>I see my sister's cat
>look at my cat scratch marks on my arm
>time for revenge
>start pissing on him
>he wakes up
>yawns
>I piss in his stupid cat mouth
>he starts gagging
>runs from me
>chase him and keep pissing all over him


Then I finished my bottle and ended up blacking out and woke up in a puddle of puke. My bros rolled me over to keep me from choking.

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>>559983949
same. You seem pretty cool. 931 area code man

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>>559985652
>yfw

>>559987092
Lmfao
dads are cool.

>>559983696
you misunderstand tits or gtfo, good sir

thank you OP for your great stories. you have entertained me.

>>559987431
Holy shit lol
He was simply too gangster.

i don't know if I have any good sex stories I can think of off the top of my head but here's the time I'm pretty sure I witnessed a murder.

>All my friends from college have become shitty hipsters and all live in Brooklyn NYC
>I live in Manhattan but go to a loft party they're throwing
>Good party but get too drunk so I start heading back home
>On the train that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan, it suddenly stops before it goes into Manhattan, train isn't going anywhere
>Pass out, then wake up, I'm at the end of the line in Brooklyn
>Immediately puke all over myself and the train car
>Drunkenly think "oh shit... I have to move seats so people don't know I puked!"
>Still covered in puke, move like, 5 seats down
>Whole ride to manhattan am trying not to fall asleep again
>Blink my eyes, and suddenly I'm at the same stop I was just at going in the wrong direction
>FUCK
>Get off the train to get on one going the right way
>When I get off there's like, 10 guys, lined up 5 on each side, shouting at each other, clearly about to fight
>I have to walk past them to get to my train
>Brush past them trying not to make eye contact, as I walk by I hear someone say "OH YOU GOT A KNIFE YOU FUCKING PUSSY?"
>Get to the other side of the tracks just in time to see two of them "hug", then everyone else run off
>One of the guys from the hug is the only one still left, he's stumbling around
>He collapses onto a waiting seat, pukes up more blood then i've ever seen in my life, right as my train comes whizzing by and obscures my vision

I fell asleep one more time, my roommate who left the party two hours after me got home at the same time as me.

Also, OP, how the fuck did you manage to find a girl with a similar sex drive, lucky fucker. I'm at a similar sex drive level, not at all gay but I've been desperate and horny and don't give a fuck who's blowing me at that point.

>>559987446
You seem chill as fuck OP.

>>559987450
904 here.
>>559987617
I live to serve.

>>559987646
I didn't. She has a lower sex drive than me, once I get the motor going I'm in charge of the car though. I just jerk off a lot.

>>559985923
>i use my laptop there
That's a bad reason. She mean she uses her laptop for porn and that's where she fingers herself?

One of my short stories.

>be 14, around 6'3" and about 200 pounds
>legs were all muscle from 8 years of soccer and kick boxing
>at school
>8th grade
>see my crush (7.84/10) getting harassed by older jock that got held back
>guy was a total douche and thought he was top dawg
>walk up to douche, tell him to knock it off
>hasnt looked at me yet "what are you gonna do, faggot?
>he turns his head, has to look up to look in my eyes
>douche's face goes white
>push him away from crush
>walk up, grab his hair
>two right hooks to the jaw
>accidentally falcon punch his solar plexus
>gasping for breath
>knee him in the head, throw him back
>walk up to crush
>"you oka-"
>she hugs me and thanks me
>we start talking and end up dating for a year, then she moved to england

>>559987646
Also, god damn. I saw someone get shot once.

>be 9
>go to church because jesus loves me duh
>mom insists on going to some church in the ghetto
>my dad doesn't want her to take us
>She takes us in the mornings while he's at work anyway
>priest is pretty chill, I can see the appeal
>99% sure he never raped anyone
>anyway
>church was on a corner
>guy walking on sidewalk
>car pulls up
>nigger jumps out
>puts gun to the guy's head and pulls the trigger
>they peel out and leave

pretty traumatic. we ended up having our car stolen there. Love my mom but she's retarded.

>>559988115
Dude I kneed some guy a couple winters ago and it was fucking awesome. I ended up smashing his fucking teeth and I tore up my knee.
I got tasted afterwards.

>>559987884
ah. I had a gf for 3 years but a big kill in the relationship was the sex drive difference. she also was god awful at blow jobs so that really didn't help because she didn't really have anything to help me with when she wasn't horny. single now and just have like 4-5 girls I fuck on a rotating basis. Still isn't enough :(

I got a girl to give me head once on her birthday, but that's really all of the story. Here's another though.

>be me
>senior year of high school
>girl i've been off and on with (never dated) for 3 years always comes over with two friends
>have a bench swing on my front porch that we always sit on
>everyone gone but my sister
>her friend texts at 11pm saying she's coming over
>whatever
>she gets there, talk and what not
>starts talking about how she's done with guys
>not listening much
>"i just want to have fun"
>"then go have fun" i say
>"that's why i came here
>ohreally.jpg
>tell sister i'm going to the park
>park is in the neighborhood, and the only entrance is inside the neighborhood, chest high fence surrounds the outside
>go to park and walk secluded part where cars can't see us, and neither would anyone who comes in the park
>making out like crazy
>grabbing her tits, suck on them
>her tits are amazing, even though she's like a 6/10
>puts her hand in my pants, starts rubbing my cock
>feels awesome
>bends over to give me head, not on her knees just bent over
>starts blowing me
>feels bretty good
>few minutes later about to cum
>tell her, but she said she wants to know what cum tastes like
>lolk
>start cumming
>NOPE.webm
>takes me mouth off
>first big shot of cum shoots OVER her, cleared her completely
>the rest drips all over her arms and my shoes
>mfw my shoes still had the stain until i got rid of them

Pretty good night

>>559988171
I bet his ideas didn't look good

>>559988296
I know how you feel. My girlfriend has like a regular sex drive, we've fucked every day this week. I could fuck like at least 3 times a day. I'm just always horny. I've also had a full chest of hair since I was 14.

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>>559987749
DuuuuvaaaaL?

>>559988293
Junior in high school kneed a kid in the head about 15 times last year then passes out because of adrenaline

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>be me
>19
>finished freshman year of college at bing
>goodtimesman.jpg
>come home for winter break
>next door neighbor is 2/10 cunt
>hang out with her bc friends are hot
>over her house drinking
>one of her 9/10 friends is over
>flirting with her the whole night
>we are all sitting at a table drinking
>she grabs my dick under the table
>fuckyeah.jpg
>i take her into the other room and start hooking up
>rub her pussy through her pants and grab her dd tits
>thisisfuckinggreat.mp4
>time to leave house
>friend is sleeping over the bitches house
>i txt friend to stay up while i get condoms
>she agrees
>mfw im a virgin about to bury my dick in this hot piece of ass
>run 2 miles to cvs bc i cant drive drunk
>buy condoms but too tired to run back
>ask meth head to drive me home
>she agrees
>ride in backseat of the shitiest car i have ever seen with her coked out son and their pitbull
>idgaf.mp3
>go to the back door with condoms
>friend opens the door to let me in
>light from the stairs comes on
>ohfuckno.jpg
>tell her to hide but I dont have time to close the door
>mfw door is slightly ajar while i hide behind the door frame
>mfw door slams shut and I get a txt from the cunt "your not in college anon, go home"
>mfw cockblocked by this fucking cunt

>>559987541
probably, but don't you want ta see some titties?

>>559988074
nah thats just where she couch potatoes all day

>>559987884
Guess I'm lucky there then. Myself and my girl R have been together 3 and a Half years. I'm horny pretty fucking often, but literally she's almost never NOT horny when we're at home. Jesus. One month back last fall before she joined me in college she came to visit. And we had 3-5 hour sex at least 3 times a day. I failed that semester. It was worth it.

>>559988623
yes

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I think it's time for a story.

>be 15
>in english
>bored as fuck
>look around the classroom
>catch 7/10 latina chick looking at me
>winks
>at this point in my life, i was beta as fuck. never had a girl even look at me twice
>get confused
>blink
>think "I fucked up again"
>she instead, giggles, turning back to the front of the class
>2close4me
>class ends
>get courage
>meet latina chick at her locker
>talk for a bit and agree to sit together at lunch
>12 rolls around
>sitting
>see latina chick
>it takes her a bit to spot me amongst the sea of people
>sits down
>start talking
>a lot in common
>talking like old friends
>suddenly feel pressure on my crotch
>freeze up for a second before glancing down
>it's her foot
>foot fetish
>she ended up giving me a footjob under the table for the rest of lunch
>mfw

>>559988394
Yeah no homeboy was super fucking dead.

First (female) anal story.

>be 13
>older sister is 15
>she constantly has her hot ballerina friends over
>this one chick is a year older than me
>we're watching a movie late at night
>girl is on the phone with her boyfriend
>I'm talking shit to him for no reason
>start telling him my cock is huge and his girlfriend would rather suck mine
>don't know why I was being such an asshole
>she hangs up after a while
>movie is ending
>my sister says she's going to bed
>her friend says her and I are just gonna watch another movie
>sister leaves
>put on star wars (lmao)
>sit next to girl
>she starts asking me all sorts of shit
>bitch I'm trying to watch Yoda get his Jedi on
>she asks if my dick is big
>I tell her it is
>wants to see it yada yada yada
>I have her bent over the couch
>she doesn't wanna lose her virginity
>jam it into her asshole
>no spit
>no lube
>no fingering
>dry fucking her asshole
>cum in her ass
>eat her out afterwards to keep her from crying
>Do or do not
>there is no try

>>559985571
Have no clue what I just read... and I am totally focused from addy.

>>559977806
When was the moment you realized you loved your gf?

>>559988479
Sadly.

>>559988613
>>ask meth head to drive me home
>>she agrees
>>ride in backseat of the shitiest car i have ever seen with her coked out son and their pitbull
>>idgaf.mp3

You are the fucking chosen one.

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>be me 14
>football captain is giving me ride home from practice along with black teammate
>shirts off because it was like ninety degrees out at the practice
> captain says hope we don't get stopped by cop
> turn first corner and see police sitting onside of road
>no seatbelts
>captain can only have one none family member and car
> we play it cool
> we pass the cop and then the black guy leans out the window and flips off the cop
> cop gives no shits and stays parked

>>559982153
>punk band
>green day covers

>>559989069
Uhh.
Honestly I don't know. My brother in law told me I couldn't nail her. I already liked her so I was just like "wanna bet?"
He still owes me 300 bucks.

I'd have to say probably the first time I wrote a song about her and felt that funny feeling in my stomach start to surface. It was like all of my past loves but somehow deeper, it felt more real. It was more defined.
I would hear songs on the radio and think of her.
I would dream of her.
I would think of her all the time.
Though I can't pinpoint it for sure, it would probably have to be when I felt guilty for jerking off to her.

That's how you know you love a woman.

>>559988934
me too, that's why I told her tits or gtfo.

didn't listen...

>>559989000
trips for great justice

>>559989153
nigger was bold that day

>>559989302
>punk band
>playing with part of G-Unit
Don't make me get into shitty definitions of proto punk post core hard metal stab core bullshit.
Also, if you don't consider Greenday to be punk then you're just a fucking tryhard.

I'd like to have a beer with op, no homo.

>be me
>be 16
>beta
>kissed like 2 girls(still virginfag)
>new gf who has a kid
>talk to gf on the phone a lot
>gf is huge whore
>too oblivious to see
>gf whines about babys dad all the time
>have date on sunday taking her to matinee like a gentlebro
>be Saturday GF calls crying says she needs me
>go over to her house and walk in the cold while she holds her baby
>go to her house
>nobody home
>playfighting ensues
>shirt comes off
>her kids watching the whole time
>look at kid "can't do this"
>"you're a pussy anon"
>picks up phone calls babys day
>compelled to fuck her in front of kid
>finger bang her until she hangs the phone up
>baby at the foot of the bed
>fuck her, lose virginity with baby watching
>mfw donkeykicked baby in the when i came

Weird that you have the 904 area code OP, I was just in the neck of the woods for a cruise. Gotta say, Jacksonville is a really shitty city. If I lived in FL 8/8 gr8 b8 would hang out and fuck shit up until L8.

>>559989493
My first trips. I feel special.

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done lurking thx for the laughs /b/ros

>>559989532
I'd have 12 with you. Either go all out or go home buddy.
Too bad /b/ is full of some seriously weird people or we could have a meetup like the other boards do.
I could get drunk and play wonderwall 20 times for you guys.

>>559989615
Yeah, I just recently moved back. I'm debating whether or not to join this Police Force or if I want to work somewhere else. I'm thinking Baker county.

>>559989550
God damn. That is one stone cold bitch.

>>559982959
top kek

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Hahahhaha this shit had me rollin man. "That's how you know you love a woman" Real talk nigga. I know all those feelings right now man.

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> be my uncle
>1980s
> he goes to see newest rocky movie
>movie ends
> everyone gets pumped because it's rocky
>audience is all high school students from rival high schools
> they all go out onto beach and have a full out brawl
>cops have to break it up

>Be 3 years old
>Potty training
>Don't know where the bowl thing is
>Carrying Buzz Lightyear toy
>Flip up his helmet
>Put him on the floor
>Put asscheeks to his face
>Shit in his face
>Close his helmet
>Put him by the trash can in the corner
>Walk away
>A few hours later
>Hear somebody yelling
>My mother found it and is now screaming
>She cleans out his helmet and sterylizes it
>Buzz forever had a look of fear and disgust
>And also a small brown dot of shit in a hole on his face

>>559989628
Have a good night man.

>>559989824
I actually dated her for 5 months, she got me into some deep shit.
>she brags to other guys about how I was the best she ever had
>was virgin

Dude if you lived in New England I'd meet up. I live in Rhode Island where glorious whites all abundant. Oddly enough that kinda shit is safe where I live.

>>559989897
>the feel when you've never been in a brawl

It's god damned 2:21am.

Why is everyone up?
I'm up because for some reason I'm living on my dad's couch and I was supposed to watch Archer and I started this thread.

>>559989824
/b/ could do legit meets, we just choose not to. Don't want a fucking Dashcon to happen.

>>559989981
Whores fuck scum bags.
Scum bags don't know how to fuck.
I've never understood why guys can't make a chick cum with just their dick. There has to literally be something wrong with them that they can't just instinctively do it.

>>559990039
I need to live somewhere white.

come to think of it I guess I have one sex story

>kinda depressed, girl I was dating briefly suddenly friendzoned me out of nowhere
>1 pm on a tuesday, go to check out craigslist casual encounters
>some random chick who says she wants to have lunch
>go to have lunch, she's chill
>we even talk about the girl that friendzoned me, she doesn't give a fuck
>not really my type but half columbian half fillippino, hot as fuck
>we have quick lunch then go back to her place for quick fuck
>not really sure what she does but she lives in really nice apartment in manhattan, rich as fuck
>we end up hooking up a couple more times throughout the summer
>it ends because she's spending her winter in florida because she hates NY winters
>she randomly invites me to spend a week in florida that she'll cover
>say no because I can't just randomly pack up to florida
>When I say no she says something like "is it because youre still into that girl you told me about? you know my friend knows her she gets around you should get tested."
>When I ask for any kind of detail about how she knows the girl she says "it's not my place to say", is clearly lying.
>kind of put off, stop texting her back
>don't hear from her until next summer when she randomly texts me a naked picture of herself
>she's back in town, we predictably fuck again
>afterwards we're chilling in bed, she's asking me what kind of things I'm into and not into, sexwise
>don't remember the specific but she asks if I'm into something and I say "eh naw not really"
>she says "Wow, really? My clients are usually really into that."
>wait what
>"My clients! Duh. I didn't tell you I'm a high tier escort?"
>Bitch is like, a 2k an hour escort
>Says "Oh don't worry I get tested like every week. Hey actually some of my clients would probably be into watching us fuck, I could throw you a couple hundred dollars, we'd be a team!"
>This is just too fucking much for me, leave

She still texts me random naked pictures of herself every summer.

>>559990196
>she's a dyke now

>>559990068
I'm just up because I can't stop reading your stories you glorious bastard

>>559990146
That's what I meant. Some lunatic would chain us all up and rape us.
Also, I would never go to a /b/ meetup. Just the guys from this thread.
Except the guy who called me ugly.
I'd get him drunk and then fuck his asshole raw.

>>559976509
Please tell me that's a six speed

If not, sell it immediately, you cunt

>tfw thread full of bros

Live in RI. Its like an unwritten rule that Boons aren't allowed.

>>559990254
for now*

it's the white trash/nigger thing to do right now. Just suddenly turn into bulldykes.

just because you're a nasty cunt nobody wants to fuck doesn't make you a lesbian.

>>559990262
Pick a subject matter, chances are I have a story. I'm getting tired so it's harder to think of one off the top of my head.