Whaddup /b/ im op from last nights "legends of joE" thread and im here with more stories
>be me >summer after sophomore year >chillin with my friend dragon and his lil bro >gonna get fucked up tonight >at his house cuz his senile gramma wont give a shit what were doing >he has this aunt whos a total bitch but shes house sitting that night so no problems >shes a ginger dyke and she has this beaner lesbo girlfriend with like a soul patch >she is an unemployed cunt who lives off my friends gramma cuz she gets hella welfare checks >everytime im there she tries to tell me what to do like shes tough shit >mfw some unemployed midget lesbo from wisconsin tryna start something >just ignore that bitch >"you will listen to me in my house" >"i thought this was grammanon's house?" >her face starts to go bright red >oh shit, what have i done >"didnt your parents ever tell you to respect people, you little prick" >"they only told me to respect people that deserve it" >her head starts to swell up like a fucking balloon >"HOW DAAAAARRREEEEH YOOOOOUUUU SAAAAAYYY SSSSSSSSSHET LIKE TAAAAAT 2 MEHHH!!" >her face goes purple from yelling without taking a breath >"EEYEEE WELLL NAAAAAWT BEEE DESRISPEXT NNN M'HOUSEHOLD" >i tip my fedora >t'was only a joke >her face is the color of grape kool-aid now >oh shit, here come the niggers >"MISSSSOGYNISSSHT, CHEKK UR PRIVLLLEEEGGE" >she realizes she has nothing to stand on and im like twice her height so she gives up >"dude your aunts a bitch" >we play skyrim til like six >his aunt brought us kfc >judge not, lest ye be judged >she got mashed potatos with gravy >thou art forgiven for thy sins, let the father in heaven bless you and accept you with open arms >eat the fuck out of that chicken and taters >aunt and lesbo gf leave >friends gramma goes to bed for the night >time to get wasted
>>558792227 >probably like 7 now but summer in az so the sun is gonna be up for 6 more hours >call up another friend whos got the beer and the booze and tell him to come over >"i cant come over my ride cancelled. you gotta pick me up" >none of us have our licenses so we gotta take friends aunts other car >gramma is in a coma in her room but she could revive herself any minute and see the cars gone out the window >beer guy lives like 10 minutes away so wed only need 20 minutes >friend decides fuck it and takes the car while me and his lil bro chill and keep playing skyrim >we try to talk frequently so if his grams wakes up she wont think anythings different and check on us >hes on this dwemer mission and i have to guide his ass through it because he was acting like a potato >literally running into corners and forgetting how to open doors and jumping off mountains >iusedtobeanadventurerlikeyou.mp3 >friend gets back with the beer >hell yeah >got some tecate, some tequila, some vodka, and a pack of primetimes >lil scat and his friend gonna show up around midnght with some dank >we go outside and start cracking open a few beers and smoking some cigs >mfw life is good
>>558794171 >we start doing some shots and the four of us are getting a little tipsy >just chilling on his patio watching the sunset >just keep thinking life is good >we decide to go get some food after we finish what was leftover from kfc >decide to go to little ceasers cuz its cheap and only a 20 minute walk or so >grab a couple beers for the road >stuff one in each pocket and grab one in my hand >the walking gets my metabolism going a little bit and im getting a little drunk now >"hey joe, put the beer in your other hand so if cops drive by they wont see it >"FUUUUCK THE POOLICE!!!" >"stfu joe" >mfw im drunk and pissing people off >chug my beers like theyre nothing >remember i filled the first one half up with vodka >ive made a big mistake >by the time were at little ceasers im harder to understand than helen keller >they tell me to stay outside even though theyre drunk to >i realize how drunk i am and i feel like shit >oh shit, i have an idea >i go into frys so i can get more food to pay them back with >some bitch starts to ask me to leave >"w-w-why shhhod eeye?" >"please sir can you leave" >i get scared theyre gonna call the cops and i try to sprint out >trip and eat shit in front of everyone >takes me like a minute to get up and stumble out >we start to walk home >i dont really remember much of walking back but one of my contacts fell out and i was trying to find it for a few minutes >"j-joe, kumon mahn, we-we gota get bak" >"heh heh... o-ok dude" >we get back and ravage that pizza >im a mighty lion hunting in the plains of africa >a pizza is grazing, unaware of what is about to become of it >"ROOOOOOWWWWRRR" >the pizza is now my bitch >i sensually rub the pepperoni to let the pizza know i care for it >black out
>>558796616 life isnt very interesting for me, I just had a few fun days.
I posted yesterday in the thread too, so if anyone thinks this is a repost its not. >be in 7th grade >have homeroom in the morning, nothing to do >dicking around with Jewbro >decide to make him a dunce cap with a piece of paper >put it together and give it to him but decide it looks more like a KKK hood >10x funnier >laugh my ass as he wears it, he wears it till 2nd period I think >uneventful 2nd period >go to lunch and sit with a table of my friends, shit can get crazy >Jewbro has a cup of jello he saves for some reason
>>558798240 >go to 3rd, and 4th periods >Jewbro still has jello in 4th period, not sure what hes planning to do with it but its funny he has it >4th period was English, teacher was one of the best I've ever had >it passes and we go to 5th period - Science >here is where the fun begins >We called our science teacher The Codester behind her back, her actual name is Mrs. Cody >class hasnt started yet, the Codester is in her back room eating candy/smoking like normal >Jewbro runs up and puts his Jello on her desk and goes back to his seat >topkek.gif >guess he has a change of heart and tries to get his Jello back >Codester comes out and sees him taking his jello "Jew, put my jello back on my desk right now!" >He doesnt protest and puts HIS jello on her desk >its all smashed up now too from wear and tear all day, looks like shit >She gives it back to him at the end of class >He takes it and meets with another bro at his locker >Guess Jewbro decided to throw it or something >walk by the area to my locker, see red stains on the ceiling tile and jello on the floor >laugh my ass and get my stuff from my locker >mfw I see my history teacher cleaning up his mess
>>558796724 >wake up 30 minutes later >pitch black everywhere >realize im not wearing underwear anymore >i feel the gentle night breeze rustle through my pants, causing my testicles to contract ever so slightly from the cool air >takes me a minute to see that there are silhouettes all around me >everyone passing around a bong and having fun >see lil scat is there too >take a fatty hit from it when its my turn >mfw i exhale >the bud has stabilized my drunk ass >"yo guys, where are my underwear?" >"you jumped into the pool in them and took them off so you wouldnt be wet" >oh shit, the pool sound so nice right now >go over to the side of it >strip down to my bare ass >wiggle it for my bros >slowly descend into the pool and just float there looking at the stars >i feel the enormity of the earth and i become part of it >i feel myself shoot through the cosmos at astronomical speeds >i feel each individual living their lives on my giving body >i feel people be born, age, and die within the blink of an eye >their lives are nothing to me >my life is nothing >remember the scene in titanic where jack is kill >lol would i die for that kate winslet pussy >"joe, get out of the pool" >"lol, ok" >still drunk so i have trouble getting my clothes on >my dong is flying in everyones faces while i stumble with my shorts have pulled up >i have no chill >contemplate whether or not to put tank back on >its a little chilly so yeah >everyone is laughing their asses off and we continue to smoke >take more hits than rocky balboa >time moves pretty fast and 3 guys leave around 1 or 2 am >"yo-yo, ill ccccc u guize reel sün" >"yee, joooow, dun weary" >"hell yea" >me and friend go to his room >"i done got anyfing 4 u 2 slreep on joh" >"shit dude, gimme a pillow, ill sleep on the floor" >next thing i know im in the bathroom >yanking my dick with more ferocity than a viking berserker >why the fuck am i jacking off? >stop and go to bed on his floor
>>558800356 >wake up at 9 am to some shit on tv >sobered up and no hangover >feelin real good >go to find the clothes i left outside last night >puke everywhere >wtf happened >fucking multicolored puke just strewn on the cement >it looks like a gay annorexia parade came through >red puke, green puke, brown puke, yellow puke >fucking dried purple puke in the lawn >dog is slurping it up >you sick motherfucker >look for my beanie, socks, shoes, and underwear >my 4 leaf clover boxers are covered in chunks of hot and ready >"my lucky drawers!" >socks are nowhere to be found >a little bit of puke on shoes, but no big deal >my beanie is seeping out puke >beanie got turnt last night i guess >go inside to talk to my friend about it >apparently when i blacked out on his patio couch i just started vomiting >dragon then proceeds to vomit after seeing me >our beer friend starts puking too >just streams of puke were soaring through the air like a mighty bird of prey >non puking friends roll me over so i yak on the ground >mfw im hearing about this >realize im missing a contact still >annoying as fuck but whatever >grammanon wakes up so friend can drive me home >her room is right next to the bathroom >"were you to dicking around in there last night?" >"no, we went to bed at like midnight" >remember that i was jacking off in there >how long was i doing that? >"i took a late night dump, but wasnt doing anything else" >"i hear some loud slapping noise for like 10 minutes and something made of glass definitely fell over" >holy shit i was fapping so angrily i knocked a cup over >friend is staring at me >lil scat tells me that i started to jack off on the patio that night >im a fapping fiend >felt like good ol dicky nicky >this was worse than watergate >this was Fappergate >i am not a crook >friend is staring at me and gramma notices and starts doing it too >senile old bitch didnt really know what was going on anymore i could tell >interrogationtactics.mpeg
>>558803045 >i start to sweat under the pressure >they know it was me >they know what i did >im so dirty >"fr-fried chicken doesnt go through me very well" >bullshit, they know it >"joe, i know what you did" >grammanon is too confused and walks away >"ill never talk. i ant no fucking snitch" >i spit on him >"you fat fucking pig" >"youre gonna regret that" >strikes my right cheek with his baton >"you gonna talk yet" >stare at him >punches me in the mouth >spit the blood out >blood trickles down my chin from my split lip >"fine i was spanking the monkey" >he starts laughing >i start laughing >we get in the car and leave >drops me off at my house >i put in another contact and brush my teeth >turn on tv and watch some movie >grab some lucky charms >mfw i think about the shenanigans of last night >still one of my fondest, non-party high school memories
>>558805520 >summer after sophomore year was pretty eventful for me >month and a half after Fappergate >some friends text me asking if i wanna get fucked up later >hell yeah i wanna get fucked up >tell them my moms house is empty right now for a while >she lives in colorado most of the year, but keeps a residence in az for visits >apparently now they wanna have a kickback >whatever, im willing to have people in my house if it means i dont have to contriboot money >two days later >two of my friends roll by to pick me up >head over to the store to pick up some chasers and beer pong stuff >get over to moms house >set up table and shit >its like 7 >shit we got nothing to do for 3 hours >start watching american dad >knock at the door >must be some other dudes >two chicks at the door >one is solid 8/10, other is like a 10/10, but mormon so no sexy time >we all know both or them pretty well so its chill >we invited the father and the holy spirit but they never came >tell them the kickback doesnt start til 9 or 10 >"we just wanted to come by and chill" >aight >they sit down on couch >gotta play it cool, like a boa constrictor >slowly and silently sneak up on my prey >by the time they realize what hit them, its too late >spend like an hour trying to get something but neither of them take the bait >mfw not getting any pussy tonight >one girl is going to some banger and she was just chilling until it started >mormon chick takes her to party around 8:30, says shell be back in a while >kickback already seems like a major failure >no beer yet, no chicks now, just a bunch of dudes hanging around watching cartoons
>>558808046 >around 930, one of my bros from freshman year shows up with a bunch of real chill guys and this caramel hoe that i used to be neighbors with >holy shit she got hot >solid 9/10 maybe >shes gonna be a senior, im gonna be a junior >she runs up and hugs me >feelsgoodman.mkv >she starts trying to catch up with me and all this shit >apparently she gonna go to my school next year and since were both upperclassmen, we can hang out >mfw maybe i am getting pussy tonight >theyve got some cigs, some dip, and 3/4 of smirnoff >god dammit i hate smirnoff >shit takes like tongue punching osama bin ladens butthole >whatever, its booze >they got a six pack of corona too >now that i can get into >crack open a beer and drink some vodka and sprite >smoke a cig or two >kind anon with bull cut gives me some southern blend chew for being so chill >kickback is getting pretty chill now >this prude girl i was sorta into showed up with some girlfriends >some other dudefriends showed up >we're playing music >having a good time >but then, it happened >it was inevitable i knew >i had just hoped that because of their being some non drinkers there it would take longer >the alcohol was gone >people start panicking >they start beating their chests >i can see the hatrid and anger in their bloodshot eyes >i back into a corner, panicking >my head is shooting from side to side looking for a way out >no escape >theyre coming >they know they have me >they walk so slow >just to scare me >my eyes start to water >"im too young to die" >they start chanting >"alcohol... alcohol..." >they get faster and louder >"alcohol. alcohol. alcohol." >theyre screaming at me, all the while slowly closing in on me >ALCOHOL ALCOHOL ALCOHOL >a screech on the street outside in front of my house >they all look over >the doorbell rings
>>558809947 >i hug the wall as i slowly inch past them towards the door >i dont break eye contact with them >i cant show weakness >i open the door >"JOOOOEEEEYYY" >holy shit no way >its one of my best friends from 8th grade >we'll call him bleach >he was one of the dudes i split the $2 with to #rek the hoe femanon from the first story >he tells all his friends to come in >i know most of them from school >real good friends with some of em >i watch as this caravan of psychoactive hope charges through my front door and into my living room >a single tear rolls down my cheek >bleach makes eye contact with me, holding up a bag of weed and cocaine >he nods. i can see the glint of determination in his eye >bleach is a paragon for human kind. he represented everything that we as a people stand for >i stood at attention >i salute him >my lip quivers as more tears of joy stream down my face >after the 15 or so people following him finish entering, i shut the door >this is a big kickback >probably like 30 people now >everyones chilling and musics playing >the dry neanderthals passed around some cigs and soda and theyre tamed for now >a lot of people are smoking bud and chillin >more people start to show up >probably like 35-40 people here now >holy shit this was successful >i feel a light tap on my shoulder >i turn to see bleach standing behind me >"joey, come to the bathroom" >"why would i-" >mfw i realized what he was implying >"alright, lets go"
>>558811470 >go into the bathroom with bleach >theres like 10 people in there >holy shit i cant breathe >shove people out of the way to get the the counter >my house, my rules dickhats >i didnt really want this sausage fest fiesta in my meditation sanctuary but it was whatever >bleach takes out the coke and starts crushing it down >starts making some lines for me and him and this other fuckhead that bought it with him >take out a good old washington and roll it up >rail a fat line >hawk the rest of it back after i jerk my head up >bleach does a line too >we glide our fingers on the counter and gum the dust >some fucking navajo piece of shit trying to get some >"its my first time, what do i do" >mfw im amped up on coke and i dont have time for his native bullshit >half the guys in the room dont even do coke >"then why the fuck are you in here you gaylords?" >"were just tryna chill" >mfw i have two baby dicks rammed against my asscheeks at all times because theyre just tryna chill >eventually finish >we leave the bathroom >the house is completely empty >like no one there >theres a thick cloud of tobacco and weed smoke in the air, but no people >itsamystery.exe
>>558812894 >just as we start to contemplate the mystery, another knock on the door >a metric fuckton of people start pouring in >holy shit, i cant even estimate the wave of douchestains and whores that are entering my house >gotta be about 100 people >suddenly theres tons of booze and beer and weed and shit just everywhere >shit this is too much >theres this weird ass 7-11 indian couple that lives down the street who freak out about the weirdest shit >they speak like no english and always tells us we are doing shit wrong and their kids are too young >mfw their kids are too young for me to skateboard arounds the neighborhood >theyre definitely gonna call the cops if this isnt toned down >go outside >good, you cant hear shit actually >someone opens a door >a cacophonous symphony of horny teenagers explodes from the door, almost knocking me off my feet >holy shit, if the doors are open, everyone will hear >barely get to actually party because i have to keep going around closing windows and doors >fuck me >original 40 people show up with in-n-out >everyone cheers >this is a fucking nightmare >i always wanted to have a party, but not now, not like this >in my altered state of consciousness, i watch as this fun kickback turns into a terrifying rager >i look around and see the faces of my peers warp into twisted monstrosities >i see a carnivorous clown doing a beer bong >a pack of werewolves, fur all matted with dry blood, making out on the couch, slobbering all over eachother >a trio of vampires soar in from the backyard >wait shit, vampires arent scary anymore >a trio of sentient androids enter my house from the yard, scanning the room for their next target >thats it >i cant take it anymore >im so triggered right now >i run outside to calm down
>>558814581 >original friends i planned party with had texted me >say they left half an hour ago and that cops had been patrolling around >not taking any chances >go inside and tell a newish dealer that we need to get people out >he gets it >people start leaving >this other girl i sorta had a thing with showed up i guess and she rubs up on me on the way out and winked at me >theres a 79% chance of pussy in the coming week >thanks tom >after like 10 minutes everyones gone >shit everywhere >smells like a tobacco plantation jizzed into my living room >turn off all lights >open all windows >turn tv on low volume >watch more american dad >american dad is so cash >just chill and enjoy the trinity of drugs in my system >hear a knock at the door >wat do >mfw its louder and faster now >mute tv >"someones dying out here!" >young girls voice >oh shit, someone mustve got alcohol poisoning on my driveway >open door >two fine freshman bitches >"please, im dying, i need water" >jesus christ, she was "dying" of thirst >theyre hot, slutty, and impressionable so i let them in >give her a glass of water >i sit down on the couch and they follow >"uh... you can just take the cup i guess" >"we just kinda want to chill here *cheek blush*" >tom, hows that storm looking >its getting crazy phil. there are just bitches falling onto joes dick right now >im high af so i just say aight >they say theyre waiting for a ride for an hour and say heres a good place to chill >baby, all i need it 25 seconds >another knock at the door >some other freshman dude walks in with his buddy >youre not gonna fuck my pussy game up bitch >girls say hey froshanons >can instantly tell theyre friendzoned >ima let them watch me spit game at these hoes
>>558816868 >we chill for an hour >i know one of the girls because shes jv cheer so we went to the same gym area for locker rooms >also me and her brother were real close frients >other one is new to me, but equally hot >she seems real interested when i tell them about the party >she keeps talking flirty with me and asking me questions about shit i do >fuckin bitch cant contain herself >too high to spit good game and forgot to get her number but i met her again once school started back up >thats another story for another time though /b/ros >we hang around for an hour and the froshanons are actually super chill dudes >they were at my party and went to another after it ended >apparently they went to the same banger the 8/10 femanon from the beginning of the story went to and it got busted by the cops after like 5 minutes of them being there >i realize a senior dude and his girlfriend had shown up to my house at one point >wat.zip >seniors girlfriend starts talking about how some 350 lb nignog tried to rape her >wtf are you talking about >ignore her cuz shes ratchet af >keep talking to femanon whos into me >eventually give them a ride to where they needed to go >kinda whiteknighted it because they were saying the dude who was supposed to give them a ride was sketchy >im fucked up but its 130 am so not a lot of people out to notice >let bitches and froshanons out and one of the femanons says bye, love you >mfw i met her an hour and a half ago >drive back home and pass out listening to kendrick >wake up, clean up and go home
>>558819315 Book of Joe and Snakedogg. This is now a thing. Go forth, anons! Spread the holy greentexts! /b/ is in need of some OC, anyways. gonna keep lurking for a while to see if any more stories pop up.
>>558819315 Don't worry OP, I'll use this story as a parable to the capabilities of one man. With the assistance of your stories shall I bring the unholy rage of Joe to every household in the nation, railing that coke and fucking them bitches. And fuck mixed up numbers. Cause you fuckin joe motherfucker.
>>558821014 it has been decided! i decree from henceforth:
Thread 1 will be referred to as The Chronicles of Joe
Thread 2 will be referred to as The Book of Snekdogg
Story 1 - The Milk Incident (open to discussion cuz thats a shitty name) Story 2 - The Gospel of the Autistic Samurai Story 3 - The Tale of Fappergate Story 4 - Joe's Kickass Kickback (again open to discussion)
All priests in the Cult of Joe will be called Snekdoggs
The first disciple (FKXupXZk) will be called Pussy Slayer after his ID.
When you start prayers, you will say "Whaddup Joe," "Sup Joe," "Wazzup Joe," or "Yo Joe."
>>558824836 THE KNOWLEDGE OF SUCH MAGNITUDES SHALL BE GRANTED TO THINE BRAINCASE IN THE FORM OF COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COKE AND BITCHES. THIS, I VERILY SAY UNTO YOU, PARTAKE IN THE POWDER WHICH IS WHITE, AND THAT OF TOP-TIER BITCHES - ONLY THEN SHALL ONE TRULY FEAR NONE BUT ALMIGHTY JOE. SO SAYETH SNEKDOGG. HELL YEAH.
>>558824836 motherfucker, bathe yourself in the forgiving sands of coke and the warm assholes of bitches. i name you the second unholy disciple, googopex. >OPX/gdd9 >gdd9/OPX >goog / OPX >googopex go and spread the story of joe to all those who have not experienced its alphic euphoria so that they may know true ecstasy. so says pussy slayer, hell yeah.
>>558825960 As will I. I'll be sticking around for any future threads, including this one until it 404's.
>>558825852 Googleplex, Pussy Slayer, Snekdogg. We need more disciples to name! Come forth and be baptized in the bitchin', alpha-as-fuck light of Joe and be gifted with your new title, fuckers! Hell yeah.
>>558825762 "When thine ladyfriend approaches, thou must always remember. Pussy is not everything. A bear does not think of the salmon as nourishment before he captures it. Only as prey. In the same way, your only goal must be to make the woman laugh, or to become better friends. Do not focus on the end goal, only focus on the here. The now. With all your heart you must trust Joe, and not your own judgment." - Alpha 7:21
"Although many will claim that bitches like the douchebags and the dicks, you must understand this is not true. However, on the other end you must understand that bitches do not like nice guys or whiteknights. Everyone fears the shark, and everyone hunts the tuna. You must find an equilibrium. Do not be afraid to make fun of thots, or say no when they ask you for something. But also treat them well at times. The trick it to not overdo it on either side. Everything in moderation. Except drugs, always do hella drugs." - Alpha 1:4
>>558827676 I am no god as Joe is, King of the Alphas and almighty and exalted, but a mere humble bad ass to spread the word of Joe. In his name we snort of thy holy white powder known as Coke, and seek out bitches of which to dump our loads. Hell Yeah.
>>558828010 "While they were partyting, Joe took some coke, and when he had railed half, he cut some more lines and gave them to his Disciples, saying, 'Take and snort it; this is my body.' Then he took a bottle, and when he took a shot, he gave it to them, saying, 'Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." Snekdogg 4:5
>>558829561 The number 7 is sacred in the Cult of Joe. You shall be the seventh and final disciple my son. All others will be mere members of the church. They may spread the word of Joe, but will never have recognizable kickass nicknames.
>>558830518 >Be me, first semester of sophomore year >when I was a freshman, I learned how to grow shrooms >grow about an ounce every batch >decide to trip all summer with best friend But that's a different story, this is the story about when I fucking blacked out >by this time, I've had over 300 confirmed trippings >had a bad trip too, got through that shit though >we decided to take the shrooms at around 11 am, cause daytripping is the fucking tits >friend takes around 2 grams of shrooms >me being the badass I thought I was, took around 5-7 grams, really I just guessed >start fucking feeling great, go to the living room to watch some TV >bro goes into the bathroom to take a leak, no this doesn't turn into some gay shit >decide I'm fucking hungry so I start eating a banana >okay I lied, it's a little gay >Sit on a table that's infront of the bathroom where my bro was taking a leak >comes out seeing me sitting on the table eating a banana while tripping balls >we fucking start laughing our asses off and I go into the bathroom Now this is where shit starts going south.
Let the Adventures of St. Fucking Alpha be known to all! There will be songs sung by the elderly and the youth alike, dedicated to St. Fucking Alpha! Let us rejoice in both St. Fucking Alpha, and our Lord and Savior, JoE. As well as all of his disciples and the prophets, Snekdogg and Mikey!
>>558830960 >>558831372 Now from my point of view, this is where I fucking black out and wake up around 5 or 6 in the afternoon without pants, so this is all from what my buddy told me >Bro goes to get some fucking pizza, we were mad hungry >in hindsight, probably not a good idea that he went alone, or that he left me alone >tells chick neighbor to look over me, don't get too excited, she was a 3/10 max >he comes back to see me without my pants >he fucking throws me into the bathroom with my pants and takes my phone >faintly remember this part in my hardcore fucking tripping >start singing in the bathroom, maybe to appeal to the ancient mushroom gods >I start having all these fucking philoshipcal visions and thoughts that I still can't fucking remember, and what I can remember, it doesn't make any fucking sense >start recovering from the visions, regaining conscious >wake up without pants, wondering what kind of gay shit my bro did >fucking start looking into the mirror for, probably 30 minutes, still tripping balls >wonder what time is it, where am I, and where the fuck is my phone >go outside to see friend's dad, looks at me and laughs then asks how my sleep was >I start wondering if this is all a fucking dream, and if I should an hero to wake up >decide against it, maybe I'll see some fucked up shit or get to fly, or fuck some hot bitch >Go upstairs to find bro, nigger isn't anywhere to be found >See my flying V, I brought it over with the shrooms >the plan was to make some fucking bitching ass tunes while tripping major balls, didn't work out so well >the whole guitar look fatter, like some sort of fake, as if someone replicated it, but fucked up cont
>>558832435 >start freaking the fuck out, wanted to take a picture of it to see if when I left bro's apartment, if it was any different from an old picture >can't find my fucking phone, goddamn it >go to neighbor's apartment, the chick that was supposed to look over me while tripping >see friend, he's still tripping balls too >starts explaining what the fuck happened >I start feeling bad for what happened, but fuck it shit happens >go back to his apartment, play some tunes >keep bitching at my friend that my guitar isn't the fucking same before I start tripping >I eventually go to sleep and hope that tomorrow my guitar gets it's shit together.
I have the time I almost died of alcohol poisoning later in my sophomore year, if anyone wants to hear that.
Blowjob man contribooting to sacred thread >be me junior year >get invited to rager after the school play is over >arrive fully equipped to fuck some bitches >immediately make my way over to the alcohol >imdrinkingallofthis.rtf >drink a handle and a half of jack >eat an edible and smoke 6 bowls >remember I haven't eaten in 8 hours. >fuck >what have I done >immediately forget my dilemma and start conversing with 7/10 friend of mine >5 minutes later I realize all my clothes are off save my boxers >I start soaring through the air >actually think I'm flying until I realize she has pushed me into the pool >had the decency to get me undressed first. >start swimming around > accidentally punch a girl who is swimming too in the face >went to ham >everyone's staring at me >get out of pool to find clothes >put on pants to realize my boxers made it look like I pissed myself >dont even care >start hitting on 8/10 friend I've been after for a while >she has a boyfriend but we hookup anyway >shitwascash.png >party gets shut down but guy who threw it let me stay over >pass out on his couch outside >wake up to find I've puked all over his coffee table >immediately leave without cleaning shit up >he never found out who puked on his coffee table
>>558832192 I hereby declare July 31 - All Shrooms Eve or Shroom-o-ween. A day dedicated to St. Fucking Alpha, the Patron of Magic Mushrooms. Joebros from all around should partake in the consumption of the shrooms, followed by a walk or hike in your local forest, desert, or park to feel at one with St. Fucking Alpha and all of Joe's world.
Here's the time I almost died of alcohol poisoning >Be me, second semester of sophomore year >I've fully recovered from the shrooming incident, people still make fun of me for it, but realize they couldn't handle what I saw >It's winter break, haven't hung out with bro in a while, so we decide to make it special, still no homo shit >Decide to buy a whole bottle of some Jack Daniels, first time ever trying that shit >Bro's dad buys it for us, he's been buying us booze since the summer after 8th grade, shit was pretty fucking cash >So it's me, dudebro, and chuy >Chuy was a manlet, but that motherfucker could lift, he stole shit but acted like a nigger >I bring my flying V, again to play some motherfucking metal while shitfaced >we finally get the whiskey, opening it from it's paper bag, as if it was the goddamn holy grail >Again, being the badass I was, I drink the handle and a bit more >fucking forgot, I'm a lightweight motherfucker >start getting extremely drunk, and I fucking have no idea what happened >chuy recorded me stumbling and shit, hitting the fucking ground >I still thank the metal gods for not letting me take my guitar and play it, because I would've surely fell and broken it >I made some fucking dents in friend's wall, that's how hard I was falling over >I fall asleep, but start grinding my teeth, friend finds somethings up >He proceeds to make me throw up, I aparently started throwing up a shit load of whiskey >no food, just fucking whiskey
>>558833978 >had a neighbor come over, she was a bartender in Germany and saw people do this all the time >get put into the tub to rehydrate me? I don't get this part either, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit >wake up at 6 in the morning without my clothes, except my boxers, wrapped in a couple of towels >what the fuck happened >put on my clothes and go back to sleep >wake up later in the morning, friends telling me they were almost sure I was going to die >I've escaped death, again >I had an extremely hangover that day >Pretty sure Chuy did some gay shit >Fucking Chuy
>>558831372 Oh and I grew my shrooms inside, I don't grow anymore. After that shroom incident I decided just to sell the shrooms instead of taking them, but dudebro fucking split with the money like an asshole. That fucker saved my life but still bounced with the money. Feels bad man
>>558834795 Yeah, because of that incident I stay away from Jack, just stick with some cheap ass vodka and chug that shit down. It wasn't the amount of Jack that fucked me up, I can drink that much if I space the drinks in between, it's because I drank it all in a short amount of time.
>>558834723 Niggers gon' nig, my /b/ro. Sorry you got your shit stole, that blows worse than a whore in a wind tunnel.
>>558834858 Almighty Joe, bless this, your holy and truly alpha disciple, and breathe into him your ways of bitch-slappery and taketh him under thy divine wings of which there is no greater vessel to roll thy benjamins and snort various mind altering substances. Hell Fucking Yeah.
>>558835052 Agh, shit, that was the same situation for me when I got shitfaced on about a quarter of a jug of Sangria wine. Wasn't alcohol poisoning, but fuck if I didn't feel like shit before puking my guts out in the john.
>>558833492 Alright I'll tell you bout the time shit got really gay >be me end of junior year >gonna be a senior so partyin the fuck up > go to this chill party, 80-90 people there, but sizable venue >just want to get faded as fuck >I started smoking and I don't know if I ever stopped >2nd highest I've ever been >joeblessthedank.zip >wasn't down to drink for some reason >friend starts taking beer and pouring it down my throat >too faded to care >dj starts playing weird ass music >other friend comes up to me and starts making weird ass faces 4 inches from mine >nearly brings me to tears >it was so scary >roam around and try to function >i can't >party gets shut down >already have plans to sleep at this chicks house >5/10 so not really interested >9/10 girl is coming too though so I'm gonna try to smang it >smash it and bang it > get to her place and lie down on her bed cause were all just chillin >she starts cuddling with me and I'm too high to protest >chances with 9/10 slowly fading due to thirsty ho >other friend came too and he's a dude >we all know he's a closet homo >uses my ass as a pillow >the violation is real >we share the same room >wake up to find us in the same bed >I'm the little spoon >pants are still on and butthole feels normal so don't assume anything, but can't remember for shit >go to kitchen >eat two butterfingers lying on the counter >leave without saying bye to anyone
I got a story of when I first played Poker >Be me 16 >At beach house with uncles and aunts >They heard I'd taken my first shot already >Wasn't with them >Tell me they're gonna make me puke for this dishonor >Aunt goes and buys a metric fuck ton of Black Label and some beer >Tell em that I'm a classy motherfucker and I only drink Hennessys >Aunts like alright Mikey >Buys me a 750ml Hennessys VSOP >For me only >Start taking shots like I was a grunt in 'Nam >Uncles start setting up Poker as is the ritual >Tell me to play with them >Fuck how do I poker >One uncles tries to teach me the rules >Too shitfaced to understand so I just nod >We play a round >Don't remember what happened but Winrar >Pass out >mfw i wake up with 30 bucks
These stories are going to make really awesome copypasta, and they're totally making me laugh my ass off, but all this "Church of Joe" shit with the nicknames and titles kind of stinks like Reddit faggotry. Don't fuck up great OC with that shit. Remember where you're posting.
>>558836984 fuck it dude. i aint gonna put any of the church of joe stuff into any OC, thatll stay pure. but this shit is hella fun. this has made my week so far. honestly tho, its just gonna be cool to be able to recognize eachother in future threads
>>558837746 I hereby state, that any time a fellow disciple, or pope for thine matter, posts on any thread we shall mark them via our names. So that any disciple, or pope, can identify with the others. Praise be unto Joe.
>>558837273 Dude, you're missing the point. I dig that you're capping all this stuff, because it is really good pasta. But all the names and shit? No one's going to remember or care when this thread 404's. It's like what happened with Twitch Plays Pokemon: a lot of the shit that happened was really goddamned hilarious, but then people started trying to establish a huge mythos around it, and it was fucking ruined. Not every really funny thing needs to get turned into an Encyclopedia Dramatica page. This is 4chan, not Reddit. It's supposed to be anonymous. That's how OC works here.
>>558838125 Yo, this dudes right. In any future joe threads, go ahead and identify yourself so that we can know and say sup, but dont spread outside of that. it would be kinda annoying and the rest of /b/ would start to hate us
>>558838695 Oh shit dude. up in flag its crazy. when i was 11, i was up in flag with my granparents and we were going gokarting and this gang of obese navajos were there and were being complete fucking dicks to everyone. shit made me so mad
>>558838916 In the name of joe, in the name of snekdogg my one and only treasure of this world is to become a disciple of joe for I too have had some petty fucked up/fuck yeah stories that I would share aswell
I must say with a heavy heart though that I gotta bounce outta here. It's 6 am where I am and I need sleep. I'll catch you fabulous motherfuckers in the next thread! I'll keep my eyes peeled for that thread you talked about for later tonight. Much love, joebros!
>>558840094 As Snekdogg turned and walked away, i watched as his body began to glow with a divine light. but just as soon as the light appeared, it disappeared. He turned to me with red eyes and a childish grin and said, "hey nigga wanna hit this jay with me?"
>>558840220 >>558840335 The masses watched in awe as Pussy Slayer and Blowjob Man ascended to Party Heaven, where there is uncut coke with 100% purity, the dankest weed you will ever smoke, unlimited beers, vodka that tastes like fresh water, and 69 10/10 bumpin bitches for every disciple
>>558840776 >>558840691 TankFex, the "Bigger Than The Rock" Disciple picked up Pope Vagizzle I and put him on his shoulders. the pope took out his pipe and his best purps and started to toke. as TankFex started to sprint off, he bulging muscles ripped right through his tank top, exposing his godly abs. His legendary 8-pack shone under the rising sun and he disappeared over the horizon. leaving behind a small plume of smoke from the pope
>>558840080 >I came back to flag to visit for the summer >bro want to show me a good time lets call him jeff >take me out to eat yadayadayada come back to Jeff's apartment >Jeff whispers the 4 words "wanna get fucked up" >words are as if Jesus came down from the heavens and serenaded the sweet words himself >he was on probation so we didn't have any weed at the time but just a handle of smirnoff >no beer but cups and balls >"why don't we play shot pong" >"dude do you have a death wish" >first game I play against Jeff and lose shitty end up taking 12 shots >get that feeling that the only thing I need to do is get drunker or I will somehow disrespect my forefathers >vodka is now what it is in the Cyrillic language >water >according to Jeff I was rapping straight out of Compton and pretending I was a nigger >whiter then snow >ended up taking like 28 shots puked only 3 times Surprised I didn't get alcohol poisioning
>Be me >Beta af fattish white boy >8th >Troll class in science making sure the teacher >Doesnt get a single fact wrong >Sit next to alpha male >Class fed up with me because im interrupting every 5 minutes >Teacher getting mad that im smarter >"anon if you interupt one more time your going to have to sit out side for the rest of the period" >Shut the fuck up because I don't want a refferal >Really bored time to fuck with other people >Sit next to alpha male >I mess with him a lot during science >Contantly jab and poke his side so that he gets mad >"anon if you touch me one more fucking time I swear" >Whole class is looking cant back down now >"You'll swear what" >"anon shut the fuck up" >"Jab his side and at the same time slap him in the face" >Finally snaps and punches me in the head > I take the hit like a man, however I tucked my head in so he only hit the top of my skull a couple times > MFW he came into school the next day and he said he broke his hand punching me
>>558843286 gonna have the first and last post on this thread. Thanks everyone for everything tonight, made my fucking week. Praise be unto all of Joe's followers, for they are truly holy. Spread the word of joe around /b/ and therell be another thread around 12 AM ET/9 PM PT tonight. Will be pretyped this time mothafuckas.
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