>>557639362 I did but it didn't really help, I'm not suicidal or anything, just really sad and down. I'm trying to forget her but she's friends with all my friends so it's hard to get her off my mind when I hear things about her, i'll get over it sooner or later. This is the first time I had feelings like these and there hard to deal with. I don'y have anyone to talk abut it...
be me.. be 8 >Stay in the kitchen >knife on your throat >thinkboutworld.jpg >rape, wars, Crime... What a shit tier world.. >dont wanna live anymore >mom comes in kitchen >Takes some food..she don't even look at you, she goes... Wtf >hear Parents rofl... About you >whytheydontstopme?.jpg >dad yells.. >Get beatin
Be me.. be 12 >Summer vacation, some holiday bro >dads fuckin Camcorder broke >Aunt and family lives in the same house for the time >dad yells >i didnt broke his fuckin shit >he Beats my sister >aunt Beats my Cousin >its a fuckin Cam >hateeverything.jpg >dad yells.. Its your fault >Really.. I didnt broke his shit >he yells, does not stop.. >i attempt to jump out of the window >5. floor >he's smiling.. Watches tv >get up..go to the wall, infront of dad >smash ur Head hard as you can >again >again >feel blood, wall is red >another family member stops you >dad watches TV >"Idiot fuck, clean that"
>>557638206 Be me, be 17 >Meet that ONE girl in your life >be best Friends for 1 1/2 years >"I love you" >but, Shes like.. Im Sorry,we can stay friends, i cant never ever feel the same >the one girl in your life >Soulmate.. >..im still loving her >even she cant Love me >go home, be alone >take painkillers >moar >moar >moar >moar >... >puke blood >Live...cry
Be us, be 18 >have that good Friend >best fuckn human you ever met >his stomach hurts,he says >Hes sick >Cancer >dies 2 months after... >Drive all Night long >stop Car , Get out >its dark >Lie down on rails >see the lights >be happy >smileforthelasttime.jpg >.... >that fucker brakes >Stops like 10m infront of you >saw you.. On the rails... In the fuckin darkness
Be us, be 20 >Get sick of life >Drive 3 days to nowhere >don't know where you are >stop at insustrial Place >Looks death, nobody here >Get up the Building >Sunset is .. Wow >Sit on the roof corner, was like 3./4. stage >watch Sunset >think bout life >why she can't love me >why i'm isolating myself >why i'm destroying everything >Everybody likes me.. >Except her >why i'm like that >whats wrong with humanity >why theres so much war, Crime.. >sickofliving.jpg >Stay up >Turn around, back to corner >let yourself fall backwards >be happy >smilelasttime.jpg >see her face >be happy >............. >Wake up >Live >everything hurts >still alive
What i learned? If you try to kill yourself.Be sure that it is killing you to 100%
"Why i'm like that guys? I help everybody.. I drag them from the deepest depressions, from the darkest darkness they ever saw. After that.. everybody leaves me. Nothin is fun anymore. Vidya, girls, RL, sport.., nothin.. Out there are people with real probs. Whats my excuse to fag around? Why my mind is already broken?"
>>557640172 Anything by Brand New: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_gkhcXGR1c Saosin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b8dkIuSt9w Rinoa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTg7yo8O6Qs Griefloss: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYN31Es2Rqo Lantlos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uicrw38bh-I From First to Last: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEAlW7qQlz0 Blackmill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZP_kxcTgKk Ten Onder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDCRCWJGZ7I Teeth of the Lions Rule the Divine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvhfQ-hnArU Corrupted http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABkk0kS0G84
I know it's a mixed bag, but those are my downer bands.
>>557640568 It is probably cuz you were raised by decent family who gave you pretty much all the basic stuff you needed but way down the road you became antisocial and lazy and you feel that universe owes you one or something. Man the fuck up - you probably won't win a lottery so u gonna do it the old fashioned way which is getting ur shit together or accepting your place.
My life would be regarded as awful by most of people but I realized that is what I like and what I am and now everyday is a fucking bliss to me.
anyone here ever felt just different from people. Like you can't explain it you just feel different like you don't belong. You have many types of friends and you jsut feel out of place. like you just don't belong for some reason. even in your own family as much as you care about them you just feel different. as if something may be wrong with your or something? you feel lonely even if your with a whole bunch of people
three months ago my pet bearded dragon had to be put down because of its seizures after having him for 5 years. the week before he died I started to read the bible. I've come to realize that the worst always happens to find me and Its been going down hill since then. Contemplating whether or not to end it after losing my best friend
anyone ever been in love and wanted to marry the girl of your dreams but don't feel like your worth her love? That's me right now.. 4 years of dating and I am flushing it down the drain with insecurity lies because I know she wouldn't be happy married to me. I don't like me.
>>557641815 You are describing 99% of worlds dads. Can't expect to get the lucky 1%. And anyways, why are you giving a fuck what happened ages ago? Either go and confront him to get it out of your system or just forget about that shit. It was ancient Egypt, not it's 21st century so get moving.
You know, I always wondered what I could do to make my life happier and more enjoyable even though I'm single and always sad. Then I remembered money exists and so dues alcohol and strip clubs.
ya niggas need to visit it one day and make yourselves happier. Better than dealing with someone you never know when they will cheat and just leave you. Could be the first day, or the next. hurts more that way. In a strip club, it's strictly business and you still get that attention you want, even if it's shortlived, like how relationships are.
>>557641482 If we ever reached a point where living beyond X years was a common thing, we would start to see young marriages ending before the couple dies. That's why I'm not gonna get married for a long time: love is clearly not forever. In fact, marriage is a ceremony of necessity, not of passionate origin.
Nothing is forever. It's a function of entropy; all things trend towards decentralization, and by fixating your love on one person, you are asking for that relationship to implode. >>557641824 Were here because we have something to say or do that doesn't jive with society's limited window of acceptable ideas. Be it fetish porn, depression, extreme politics, anime, obscure music...we all have a reason. To think that all of us are depressed is a ludicrous generalization. And to think that such a small Overton window is a valid state of society is equivalent to asking for the clock to stop ticking. >>557642512 http://niel.delarouviere.com/2013/06/curious-case-word-sonder/ English is an inherently anarchistic language.
>Tfw my father died from cancer exactly 6 months ago >Tfw you will nevere hear him say ''You're doing it good Anon, I'm proud of you'' or ''I was waiting for you, made you some meal, I knew you were going to be tired'' again >Tfw he will never hug you again >Tfw I realized who my father was and had a good relationship with him just the last year of his life
God damn I fucking hate seeing bawww threads. I used to be like you guys and lurk through these threads and be depressed all the time and shit. One day I realized that all that was the epitome of being a pathetic bitch. Nothing in my life has ever changed by being a butthurt little bitch about it. Do I still cry or get sad? Of course, but I don't loathe about it now like I used to.
I still occasionally go into bouts of depression, but quickly snap out of them. It's a trap that you faggots need to wake up to. I'm not saying don't be depressed. I'm saying don't give into it because as soon as you do you lose. Go ahead and cry it out about how you just broke up with a girl. Tomorrow you better fucking wake up and do something else. Even if that's just playing video games all day. Depression's a bullshit excuse for anything. You get happy by getting shit done
Tldr: quit giving into your depression, go do literally anything else (even masturbate), and get this crap off my /b/
>>557644231 I know that feel. My dad left when I was two, haven't seen or heard from him since. I thought I was ok with this, but my mom died 2 months ago of cancer, and I suddenly realised I'm all alone. My great grandmother is the only living member of my family (I have other relatives, but they aren't really family; I don't know them, they don't know me) and she is 90 and bedridden 14 hours away.
It's a very lonely feeling, not having family. I feel adrift, almost. Like I'm tethered to the ground by a fraying string, and I could fall into the sky at any moment. Sometimes I lie awake crying because my daughter won't ever get to meet her grandmas.
>>557644718 I miss that feeling so much, I miss the want to do anything, I miss the want to be happy. The only thing I want anymore is to get fucked up so I don't have to deal with the fucking way I feel all the time. I'm getting more and more desperate and I just don't think it's worth it anymore.
>>557643265 Do you think that the personalities of people change, or simply how they express their truly unique and individual sense of self? Furthermore, do you think that entropy applies to not only relationships and human affairs in general, but to all parts of humanity including personalities, perspectives and consciousness?
>>557638206 seriously dude, 2 ex wives and 3 daughters. shit happens. but I'm happier now than I've ever been. got me a new lady, good job. don't Fuck your life away for some cunt, good things still happen. best revenge is to live happy and well. don't give her the last win by saying she's so important that your life can't go on without her. I know, first love and shit. my first wife, together 10 years. cheated on me. she got 2 kids from other men. I got through it. YOU CAN TOO. STAY STRONG MAN
>>557644638 >True love endures and DOES last forever "True love" is an example of No True Scotsman, because "no 'true' love cannot last forever; the example provided was just not true love."
Love is a feeling. There's a reason we often call emotions like this "feelings:" these emotions are internal, chemical based responses to stimuli. Hence why kids do drugs, to trigger these feelings artificially. "True love" is a release of chemicals. Nothing more.
Let's stop putting this shit on a gold pedestal. Face it, so much misery and hatred has come about because of moral lapses in the name of "true love." "All's fair in love and war," and the popularity of this sentiment, is a testament to that. No you idiots, not all's fair in love and war; people get hurt, people get fucked over, and you do nothing good for yourself when you fuck others over.
There is nothing wrong with romantic love (which I am assuming is what we are talking about; the English language has a simplistic ability to express emotion), but there is everything wrong with glorifying it's existence, as if fucking each other at any cost will save the world
>>557645283 whats worse is i hate my mother, and she hates me, so my father is the only family member i have.
i try to plan out my life, the steps i take, so that i have a rough idea of good paths to take and good decisions to make, i plan my purchases and i budget and i even have a purchase-order which is stuff i want, put into a list of most important to least
i have this idea and hopefully - plan - of what my last parts of college will be like, and what grad school will be like and what i'll do,
but if i account for my father dying, i cant plan past it, everything is just black, my life will simply end. He's the only person in the world that keeps me going, and im doing great right now because of him, he's the guy who looked me in the eye and told me " You're not a looser until you give up ", and ever since then i've never stopped trying, but its like that concept is tied to him, if he dies, it dies too, and my existence is completely meaningless.
>last time was happy when about 10 years old >dealing with severe depression >therapy doesnt help >medication as last resort >find the love of my life >she leaves me for her ex >just want to die but cant for my family >everyday is suffering >tried a lot of stuff to make things better
>>557645182 >Do you think that the personalities of people change, or simply how they express their truly unique and individual sense of self? Yes >Furthermore, do you think that entropy applies to not only relationships and human affairs in general, but to all parts of humanity including personalities, perspectives and consciousness? Yes
I'm not sure if you're trying to put holes in my argument, but that's actually exactly correct.
Why can't we be happy? What's wrong with us? I can't speak for you but I've tried everything, pills psychiatrists, meditation, deep relaxation. Everything. The only thing that makes me happy is drinking and drugs. The only thing that's remotely comforting is knowing that there are others who simply can't be happy, but it makes me wonder why they continue to live, and why I continue to live
>>557645919 truck driver. them hoes get lonely when your gone all the time. didn't mind spending them checks tho. New lady is on the road with me, it's great. always with her, always working, so much to do and more money than I can spend
Do you feel upset? Why do you feel upset? Why does that/those reason(s) bother you? Why is that a problem? Why do you assume its a problem? Why is there something to assume? Often times, people are depressed, for seemingly no reason, or for a reason, yet it still bothers them, but in all, these reasons are, either illogical, or irrational. Let's break it down. I once had an issue that was bothering me, a long time ago, and it was for a long time. I assumed there was a problem, a reason, and because of that, I kept feeling bad. But then, with enough introspection, I went down all of the paths of questions as to find out the core of each piece of the issue, in reality, there was nothing there. So, lets think of it like a web page. We open a webpage, and it's there, it functions and does all kinds of things. During the time of its use/effect, the website goes down and disappears. The website still stays functional as long as we do not refresh the page to load it's data, or do anything new with it that has not already been done as we already have an imprint of what it's supposed to do. The system simply assumes that everything is still there, and is still functioning, just like our issues. Now, if we refresh the page, like trying to understand the source of an issue, we obtain nothing, because nothing is there now, there is no webpage, and no source of an issue. When nothing appears, all functions of the webpage halt and no longer effects anything else, just like our problem in topic. Thus, the problem bothering us goes away as we have proven to ourselves, there is no need to be upset.
>>557646031 Do I ever know that feeling. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I know it won't happen. The only thing that makes me smile is knowing that there's a small chance I could die in my sleep
Lets say we are scared about going outside because they were hit by lightning.
And I'm being basic here, but lets break this down.
First, we don't want to go outside, why? Because we're afraid of being hit by lightning. Why are we afraid of being hit by lightning? Because it's happened before, We've been hit by lightning, why does that bother us? Because it's traumatic and it causes pain. Why is it traumatic and painful? Because our body was hit by lightning & our senses are built to react to these things that damage us, physically and mentally. But now, going outside, we're not hit by lightning. We're also not in pain. We're also not experiencing anything traumatic. Those feelings no longer exist, nor are happening. They're gone.
If I'm not being hurt physically or mentally, why would my senses react to being hit by lightning? I'm not being hit by lightning. If i'm not being hit by lightning, why would it be traumatic and painful? I'm not, because it's not happening. If It's not happening, why would It bother me? It doesn't. So why would I be afraid? Because I assume it will happen again. Why do I assume that? Because it's happened before. But before doesn't exist anymore! Then neither does your problem.
Now, you may wonder, why is this any different than telling yourself "There's no reason to worry, it's in the past and there's no reason to get upset over that!"
That's because, they haven't had it proven to themselves, that in fact is very basic and doesn't do them any good, they truly believe that the problem has basis, and they won't believe otherwise until it has truly been proven to them. To prove it to them, they must break down every piece of the problem down to the core of each individual issue, and determine the core problematic piece is not there, then slowly break down each bigger piece until you get to the surface, and then the problem is proven to them, as no longer being a problem, and thus is gone. It will stop bothering them as they understand it has no basis.
>>557646020 I hate my mother and she hates me back Anon. I used to be a lonely child, no friends, no brothers. One day i was sitting in the sidewalk when one of guy walked on me. Long story short he raped me inside of an empty house in my neighborhood. I was crying and i told my mother what happened, she said ''That's what happens when you are stupid and trust people, you deserved''. Next thing I know she comes closer to me and hits me with a stick in my back until it breaks. Now i have to live alone with her.
>>557645109 The funny thing is that it does. You control how you respond to everything in your life. You'd be surprised how better you'll get through the day if you emotionally detach yourself from anything unpleasant.
My father years away from dying, (Or at least that's what I want to believe) but the idea of losing him weighs on my mind. And that's what really bothers me, it makes me hate myself. I'm a 24 years old man, I have my own life so I SHOULD FUCKING know this already... I should know that I will be the one burying him.
My mother died when I was 12 (lung cancer, it wasnt treated on time) so he has been the only family I've ever had. I try to spend as much time as possible with him but this just... backfires horribly. I can see that he's getting old. He's slower, weaker and well, He's getting OLD.
And yeah, I know death is something natural... I know it's the natural thing to happen... But I just can't... I'm sick and tired of losing people that I love.
>>557646646 I agree with the both parts of the first question: I do believe that people's personalities change, and that how people express themselves also changes. I'm open to both explanations.
I got a wake-up call about love from a guy named Peter Kropotkin, in a book called "Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution." There was a passage in the first chapter about how we simplify the idea of "love," that the word covers a range of complex feelings. He doesn't really argue for or against true love; it's more of a refutation of mainstream Social Darwinism by looking at Darwin's original work, and some of the author's own empirical work as an explorer for the Russian government.
I also read a general Wikipedia article about love, and delved into the biomechanics of love and happiness, but I don't remember the names of any texts.
>>557645650 Never read/played/watched Chrono Cross, but this is beautiful. Your post didn't go into the dark. I'm here. Thank you for bettering my night in the smallest, but most meaningful of ways. Beautiful music.
>>557647352 I'm not saying that depression isn't a thing, I've experienced it. (That in no way makes me an expert) I was on "happy pills" for a year or so before quitting cold turkey. One day I just thought "I need to stop being such a huge edgy faggot and just get on with it."
>>557648163 Welll, that's good for you then that you managed to solve it without medication. Did it last? There are many people who can't do it without pills. We're talking people who have to persuade themselves for hours to even get out of bed.
I was wow newbie, like lv 11 mage, never played it before
Found a sweet Priest lv 10, we saw us.. walked around, wihtout speaking one word. After 1 hour, i begun to speak, like" hey, what we doing :D" and stuff like that After 1 month of good ingame friendship i was like "... im am man.. you know?" And he was like "me too silly asshole haha" No matter, good friendship...best friendship i ever had It was one of my best moments in life to meet that guy ingame
>Be 12 >Use the family computer for various things >Stumble across some pokemon site >People chat around about pokemon and what not >I'm 12, so this is awesome, talking about pokemon with other people, online >Become friends with someone on there >We spend about a year chatting, reveals to me that she's a girl >13 year old doesn't care about gender >We become good friends for the passing months, slowly turning to years >Time passes, we've been friends four years now >We call each other on skype, send pics back and forth, just good friend things >At some point, I reach the point where her being a girl sounds more cool >Our conversations become a little more lewd >We get really close, sharing more and more personal thoughts as the months go by >Because I we were aging teens, we show our bodies to each other, because we've known each other for years now, and we're comfortable >Reach the point where we've been friends for five years >Talk to each other almost every day those five years >One day tells me her computer is acting up lately >We continue on for a little while >One day she doesn't come online >She doesn't come online the next day either >Or the next week >Or the next month >Or the next year >She hasn't been online since
I haven't heard from her in three years. I know she was kinda poor, and looking for a job. Her family was also really shit, I could sometimes hear her dad, drunk and yelling in our calls. I hope she's okay
>>557648163 You dumb, ignorant fuck. You think that we like feeling like this? You think that if there was just a way to "Just be happy "we wouldn't do it? You think we haven't tried Just moving on from depression? That's not how it works
>what psychiatry is an extension of the law and depressed people only realize how fucked society is maaan? w-what if it's actually no measure if health to be well adjusted to a sick society?? whooaa duudde CRAZZZZZZYYYY
>Be me >4 years old >Have two sisters, an older and a younger sister, 9 month old pregnant mother and a regular Dad working at a law firm >Woken up in the middle of the night >Mum has gone to hospital, am told that my new sister is gonna be here soon >Go to hospital >Little sister is born >Remember hearing my Mum crying shortly after >Told that my little sister has Cerebral Palsey and Autism >Don't understand what that is >Dad says he'll be out for an hour >Uncle brings him home 4 hours later, drunk >Be 10 >Littlest sister can't talk, only make some words and demanding screams >Hate her >Mum hates her even more to the point where they'll have screaming fests >Me and my sisters blamed for everything >Only thing I really like is my Dog, every time Mum and my youngest sister are screaming I go outside with the dog to comfort myself >Dad is infinitely better than Mum, but he's never home >Be 12 >At grandparents house for the weekend >They're very nice to me and my sisters >Go back home on sunday >Can't see the dog in the backyard >Go inside and ask Mum where the dog is >"I couldn't stand the fucking thing, it always barked at me, I gave it to someone else while you were gone." >Start crying, she yells at me to shut up >Be 14 >Saved up enough money to get a craptop >Works kind of like the dog, keeps me calm in bad situations >Mum refers to it as "Fucking melting my small mind" >Don't care, she can't take it off me >Have a strong resentment towards her at this age >Hear that my older sisters friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship >The abuser is my friends brother >Brother doesn't know about the abuse, still dislikes his brother, talking to me about all the bad shit he'd done >I tell him about the abuse >He looks stunned for a bit, before nodding and leaving >Get home, older sister crying, Mum angry cont
Alright /b/ its late. Incoming life >Be me sophomore in college >Got out of highschool with a diploma majoring in zoological science. >everything seemed fine at the time >go through graduation >suddenly feel empty >Fast forward to end of graduation ceremonies >see family >no one really seems happy for me nor even gives me a smile >One tear goes down my fathers cheek >Ok least he cares. >Backtrack a little bit >When i was about 8 i began having thoughts of being transgender. >now am 18 going on 19 shortly with said thoughts. >insurance wont get me psychiatric help >have constant panic attacks >have constant anxiety attacks >have constant anxiety and fear >Have severe agoraphobia >Try to call treatment centers to get help >"No anon, we cant help you because you dont have insurance that isnt from the government" >mental state is slowly deteriorating as we speak >backtrack to highschool. >beat up every day >called a wimp, a nutcase, a nobody (this is backstory) continued
>>557648523 Yeah it lasted for years until a couple of my relatives whom I was close to died. I didn't get out of bed for close to a week, cried plenty. I'm of the opinion that you have do die just a little bit inside to deal with the world not being the storybook fable where good is rewarded like you were told as a child.
>>557649201 >Throughout life my self esteem is low >No self worth >always give never take >Ever heard of the empty cookie jar? >Every day there is brain fog >cant keep balance >paranoia of death every two second. >no friends >no one to rely on >play videogames to numb the pain >Lose friends on said games because they dislike trans persons. >And pretty much death etc. in family >divorces >blah >blah >more generic buildup
>>557648842 Not everyone is the same, yet everyone starts off by using the,selves as a template for understanding others. Over time the assumption that everyone is like you is modified to accommodate all the differences we observe.
Some people can control their own emotions. I'm not sure if it's a skill or technique that anyone can learn given instruction and practice, or whether it is some innate ability linked to the strength of the prefrontal cortex and how well it can suppress and control the impulses from the mammalian part of the brain.
Either way, all I know is that I can control my own perceptions and from that my own emotional reaction to things. Yet I've met many people who claim this is impossible.
>>557649691 I'm not depressed in reaction to anything, Im just... Fucking depressed. I've never been through a heart tearing break up, none of my family members have recently died. A lot of bad stuff happened in my family but I've accepted it, the depression must be physical but if it is its so overwhelming That pills can't fix me
>>557649197 >Apparently my older sister was just about to get her friend out of the abusive relationship, until the abuser heard about the 'rumours' of his abuse my sister had been spreading >Plan completely ruined >I am to blame >Mum takes my computer away >I tell her that it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't have known my friend would tell his brother >She doesn't care, she tries to push past me >Decide that someone needs to be done >I grab a thin wooden plank that our Dad used to measure us every christmas >Tell her to go away >She stares at me and tells me that I am the reason everyone in this family is fucked >I am the reason why my sisters friend is in an abusive relationship >I am the reason why she hates me so much >I start crying and put the plank down, I tell her that she made me like this >She grabs me and shoves me into the car >Autistic sister is screaming, on her way out Mum slaps her and tells her to shut up >No-one else responds, she does this a lot >She drives for a while, before stopping in front of the police station >She takes me in and tries to get me arrested >The cop there says that I have a strike and if I do anything else then I will be sent to jail >I know this means that if I do anything at all my Mum can report me to the police and get me arrested >I go home, laptop is taken from me, banned from it for two weeks >Get into bed, cry >Two weeks later I ask Mum for my laptop >"You don't deserve the laptop, I sold it." >She sold my laptop, the one I worked for only getting 5$ allowance weekly from my dad >I can't do anything >I go to my room and cry >Be 16 >Everytime I hear my autistic sister screaming I cringe >Everytime my autistic sister screams my mum comes and hits her, hard >Dad is never home to see it >I told him about it once, but he was so blinded by something else (Whether it be that he's married to her or she can take everything away from him if he wanted) >He tells me that I'm wrong, she would never do that to my sister cont
>>557646153 same here man. went to therapy for years. took the pills. now I just get drunk or high whenever I can to ease it. but it seems that the only thing I'm living for anymore is the idea that maybe things could get better. the thought that maybe someday I could learn to love myself and find my way to being truly happy is all that keeps me living.
>>557645120 >be me, 18 something >going to engineering school >former friends all fade away in their universities, except girlfriend >start spending more and more time with her >dumps me out of the blue, didn't see it coming >I start feeling really bad: sadness, then finally I can't feel anything anymore >Stop going to school, cover it all up in front of my new "m8s" >Finally go to the doctor, tell him I think I have depression >Gr8 doc, helps me with therapist and meds >parents find out 2 months later, dump the meds in the trash and scream at me >had a secret stash, continue taking the meds anyway >they refuse to understand that I can't feel shit >finally snap out of it, relieved after going through this >start life anew, new school, new friends >decide to contact old high school friends >find out my 3 best friends all had a depression last year and didn't tell anybody about it >mfw
>be me >play piano sometimes >city has a public piano program, dozen pianos scattered over downtown area >go to one, tucked away in a park beside some trees and benches >piano detuned as fuck, like almost quarter tone off (C is almost a quarter of a way to B) >consistently detuned on all keys though >tone is fucked too, from neglect and age
Even though this thing was such a abused and neglected piece of shit, of all the pianos I've ever played this one was the most memorable. you could hear what the player was trying to play but something always sounded just a bit off. a bit flat. like when you hit a note the damn thing would choke and whine and try it's best to spit out your melodies but would always come up a bit short. I fucking loved it. It sounded haunting and so achingly sad somehow. I don't know.
>halfway through epic improv, I'm just tearing the keys up harder than ever >scruffed up old guy shuffles up to me, drinking beer >"may i sit here n listen?" Thick Ukrainian accent >"uhh sure man" >sits on a bench >I continue and finish >I see him wiping eyes >"plees, continue" through sniffles >New song >as much emotion and depth I could ever put into it >I'm swaying like a madman, throwing my whole body into it >finish song on this longing beautiful melody >look up to see the guy is full out bawling >"hey you okay man?" >"is okay is okay your song jjust make me sad. is beautiful, I had hard life. it make me think.." >I notice the guy's a full on homeless person >fuck it, I walk over to him and introduce myself >we chat for a bit and i get to know him a little >part ways and never see him ever again
I'm not sure why I'm telling this story /b/. I guess I just learned that day that almost every single one of us has lived a full fleshed out life story and that sometimes its just so easy to forget that. It's so easy to just see the guy on the street as some drugged up failure when in fact he's just like any of us. God bless you dude if you're out there.
So my life has pretty much sucked. Been through divorces and have had custody over me fought over like hounds frothing at the mouth. Been told my father was a druggy, a dope dealer, a baby killer. Been told my mother abused me and i can remember that at least. Been crammed full of shit i really didnt need to know at my age. Fast forward to now. Out of highschool. in college. Ive got a great car. Got a job. Got a roof over my head. but i have no one in life. No friends. Nothing. I stay in my room all day. I suffer from Major anxiety disorders and depression. I hate my life, i hate myself and i wish i was born what i feel to be the opposite sex since i cant even live in my own skin. Everyday i feel like i live a lie. Begin to go out every now and again. Begin to walk in the park, hoping to maybe meet someone. Begin to realize thats pretty creepy. I go home and realize theres no food in the fridge again, better wait for foodstamps, 1 month passes, no foodstamps. Work overtime so i can start eating right instead of crap like mcdonalds. Slowly get lonlier. Sit on porch one day. See this cat, all dirty and dingy like it just got in a brawl with another cat. She came up to me slowly and rubbed against my leg. Looks like i found a friend so i named her Roxxy. She still lives outside of my apartment, occasionally getting in trouble with other cats. Anyways. This is basically my daily routine. Go out. Go back in. All while lieing about who i am and how i feel all day long
>>557650314 >One day he is home when she starts screaming >Autistic sister wasn't even doing anything, she was just 'in the way' when Mum was angry >She hits her so loudly I swear the neighbours could hear it >I go out and hug my sister >Mum is telling me to get away from her and that she doesn't need any positive reinforcement >I just stare at her >Dad comes out, hears Mum yelling and me hugging my sister >Dad just shakes his head >I tell him that if this happens again I will have proof and everyone they know will hear about it >Dad tells me that I'm wrong, Mum didn't hit my sister out of abuse, but out of frustration >What the fuck is the difference? >I drop it, I can't do anything until she attempts it again >She never brings it to that level, at least not while I'm home >Other little sister says it still happens when I'm away >Be 17 >About to turn 18, have 3 friends, we all have decent jobs and we're all moving into some cheap apartment >Don't care, anywhere but here is good >Mum and Dad don't know about the move >2 days before birthday >Mum asks us all to come out for a family meeting >With tears in her eyes, she says she has breast cancer, and about 70% chance to live >Everyone crying, except for me and autistic sister >Says she'll need help around the house and that all of our other activities have to be cut out to help autistic sister >I decide to tell them that I'm moving out now, so that it won't be too much of a surprise to the rest of the family >Mum forbids it >Tells me I can't leave, she needs me to help >I tell her that she never helped me and I get some of my things together >Week after I moved out, I'm at the cinema with my friends >Happiest I've ever been >Get home, get text from my younger sister >The doctors were wrong, Mums cancer is terminal >Don't give a shit, happy that she's going to be gone and my family will be happy again >Wake up the next morning, cops at the door >Apparently I went home to my bedridden mother and beat her cont
>>557650119 Don't get me wrong, I love magic and mystery just as much as the next. But when magic and mystery starts to hurt people, then it needs to go! Hence why we shouldn't put love on a pedestal: that hurt people, when others use love as a justification to act irresponsibly.
It's got nothing to do with lovesickness, so much as it has to do with the facts I have been given. Not to say that all love will necessarily end either, but usually it's because the couple dies.
>>557651154 that is also my exact situation. I still love the bitch. but she still has a boyfriend. I can't do anything sneaky without feeling scummy. and I know she's been with him too long to dump him for my sorry ass.
>>557651015 He kicked the family dog almost every day Killed my friends pet guinea pig Was leeching off his parents Everything that happened around the house, if it was the older brothers fault, he would always blame it on my friend, no matter what Parents didn't always believe him, but they believed him enough times to count The rest are all fuzzy, but a lot of them are centered around my friend also doing something stupid, his brother taking it to another level, and when it failed, his brother would get all the shit >>557650545 That I had swung around because she tried to punish me, and that I had slapped my sister before picking up the plank
>>557638206 My grandfather died 21st of December last year.
I loved him more than anyone in the world. Except my mother. He taught me how to fish, solder, plumb, garden, make wine, carve wood - so much.
I hadn't really seen him as often as I should have because his wife (my grandmother) is a total bitch who has insulted both my mother and girlfriend. She also convinced him to take me out the will.
I had a feeling he was going to die soon in hospital (like hours) and I didn't want him to be alone. So after I finished work at 2am I went to see him. I stayed with him until my grandmother sent me away in the mornin.
Got a phone call 20 mins later " come hospital now "
Arrive to see my grandfathers face lifeless and his body twisted up in agony.
He was dead. Never cried so much in my life. Nearly crying typing this.
Despite them writing me out the will my grand mother Tried to give me his war medals (he was in the SAS and Gurkhas) my reply was "I'll pick them up next time I'm round" Never seen her since.
>>557651627 Just remembered something that changed my life a little bit. >be me 18 >going for my normal walk >apartment happens to be on the corner of major cross streets. >As i get out and lock the door i begin to put on my headphones. >As they reach my ears i hear a loud bang >Run down the stairs as fast as i can towards the intersection. >Hit and run >Plowed into a 4 door with 2 kids in it and drove off >I run as fast as i can to the passenger door and get the kids out without even thinking >Kids yelling "Daddy daddy daddy" >Give myself a mental slap in the head and run back to the car. >Driver side door completely fucking wrecked and pushed inward. >Look at the father, his head is bleeding slightly, but he is conscious so i say "Hey brother stay with me, your kids are waiting for you" >He turned his head to me and said that there was no way he was getting out alive. >i reached my head through the smashed window and see that the entire drivers side compartment pretty much collapsed into his lower half >think to myself "fuck fuck fuck" >Tell him to keep breathing while i try to figure out what to do. >at this point people called paramedics, i gave the kids over to a mother who was standing with her own kid >"Watch them carefully" >run back to car >Father is starting to lose consciousness >Ask for his name "Names Paul" >Say im "anon" >"Paul can you move your arms or legs?" >"no, i cant feel my left arm and my legs are numb. My chest hurts and its getting harder to breathe
>>557652380 >Paul begans gaspin for air at this point, in between normal breaths >Hear sirens >Thank god.jpg >firetruck arrives, along with paramedics >Tell them there is one man pinned in the car with no feeling in his lower half >run back to car with them >paul is unconscious now >Emergency personell extract him from the vehicle and attempt to get him to regain consciousness >They cant >Kids slip past the woman i had watch them >"daddy daddy daddy" Theyre bawling in tears, to me they looked no older than 10, maybe 11? both were young boys. >I quickly took them away from the scene, they didnt need to see that their father had a severed leg and an arm that was only attached by a ligament >Sit the kids down >throw up at what i just saw >didnt realize the extent of injuries the man had until they got him out. >feel extremely bad. >Begin to talk to the children >"I'm Anon, i was one of your dads good friends, he said he loves you very much and that he wants you to keep on living, and to tell mommy how much he loves her" >"Anon Mommy died in the hospital today" >Learn that their mother had died of ovarian cancer >Fuckme.jpg >Look at the kids dead in the eyes and start bawling and hug them tightly >Escort them to the paramedics to check them for injuries >they only had minor cuts form broken glass >Tell the medic that they dont have a home in his ear. >Look him in the eye and say "Find them somewhere nice" >Ran for 2 hours and collapsed exhausted. >Dads name is paul >Has twins
>>557651665 >I tell the cops that's bullshit, I was at the cinema >They say I have a history of violence >(All thanks to that one mistake at 14) >I show them the ticket >They don't arrest me, but they do go home and question my Mum, who is still sort of on chemo >She had some bruises on her face, I didn't think that qualified as a beating, but they still came for me >They don't arrest her either, because she doesn't have long to live >They tell me to wait it out, there's no point in arresting her >I bitterly agree and go home >a month later, Dad texts that Mum has passed away >Out of care for the rest of the family, I go to the funeral >My sister tells my dad not to ask me to talk >Funeral finished >Go home, autistic sister is in the hands of my older sister, who is training to become a doctor >Little sister is applying for the army >Dad gets his own law firm, it started slow but it's going alright now >I have a fine job, still living in the shit apartment but it's alright
Somehow I knew that once she died everyone would be happier, I was right. No-one really talks about her, she didn't really achieve anything except drag everyone else down. Might sound like a cunt, but I guess things to get better sometimes.
>>557653173 And from that day on i now have a phobia of seeing car accidents on the road. My father goes by Paul I have two twin brothers that age. Dont know what the fuck happened to those kids Will most likely end up suffering from depression later in their lives. >TL;DR Car accident Dad is kill on way home from hospital after Mom is kill from ovarian cancer, Kids lived in the back seat and i couldnt save their dad.
To this day i feel like its my fault, but i didnt want to risk internal injury to the guy by moving the door or anything inside the car.
>>557653541 >Because of the history of violence Don't tell me you already did something stupid >a lot of false accusations can get passed with little evidence if the 'perpetrator' is male Except you were a fucking kid.
Might as well tell my story. When I was younger, the only person in my family that actually cared about me was my grandmother. I found her dead when I was 12. I spent the next 6 months almost completely forgot about, nobody cared about me at all except my martial arts instructor. I wound up stopping an attempted rape, got stabbed a few times in the process. Afterwards, the girl I saved and I got really close and eventually started dating. She was my first everything. About a year into the relationship, I went over to her family's home to find her corpse hanging in her room, she had killed herself. Afterwards, I started drinking and doing drugs. I was 14 at the time. The day I finally stopped doing all that, I found out my parents were getting divorced. I didn't trust anyone until I met a new girl, years after everything else. Just being around her made me feel like nothing could ever be bad, even when I was told I had 6 months to live and my family was losing our house Fast forward about 5 yeara, (2 months ago), she tells me she's not physically attracted to me anymore and leaves me. I haven't been able to cheer up since, and the only reason I won't kill myself is because of my nieces and nephews.
>all my life wanted to kill myself >been a loser lonefag all my life >living in parents house >even my little brother moved out and started living with his GF >GF cheat on him >he kills himself >mother is devastated >i can no longer kill myself >im the only son she has left.
>>557653774 I thought you were referring to the legitimate false accusation when I was 18 But yeah, I was a kid. Where I used to live a lot of kids were violent, so it was just a daily routine for the cops "Oh, another 14 year old had a hissy fit? Give him a slap on the wrist like everyone else."
>>557654143 Yeah, but i feel like if i did something different, even ran to drivers side first, i couldve done something. i really dont know. Its just a shame that two young kids lose two fucking parents on the same day in a series of unfortunate events no lemony snickets intended.
>>557654474 I was the only one who ran to help, everyone else stood there. I seem to be the only one i know who goes into the fray to try and break up fights or save someone from dangerous situations, or pick up an OD'd druggy and drop them off at a hospital.
>>557655370 It's true, growing up with no parents will Ruin those kids. They'll end up drunk in the gutter almost guaranteed. No one is happy in the end but those kids learned that way too soon because they got saved
My parents moved to the US from South Korea when I was 2. I've never known any family from Korea or the US, nor any way to contact them. When I was in kindergarten my dad would pick me up every day, and on Friday we would go get ice cream. I remember running outside as fast as I could on Friday, and I can still remember how much he smiled and how much he hugged me when I got to the car. Sometimes my mom would come on Friday, but usually she was at work. One Friday I ran outside only to see that my dad wasn't there. My mom wasn't there either. He had never been late since the day school started, not once. It turns out that my parents were on their way to pick me up when they were t-boned by a guy who ran a red light. It hit on my fathers side and he was killed instantly, and my mother died on the way to the hospital. I went in to foster care at the age of 5 and remained there until 18. By then I had received all my schooling, including a diploma, and I had enough money to go to a community college thanks to being female and Korean. There I met a guy who seemed funny, smart, and caring. We were dating after a few weeks and it went well for a few months, but he quickly got possessive and took me talking to other guys as a threat. I figured it was harmless and told him they were just friends, but he wouldn't believe me and ended up cheating on me for revenge. We got in to a big argument at his house, and all I remember is trying to leave at one point but he stopped me and started beating me. At some point I blacked out and when I woke up I was on the couch and he was gone. My vision was blurry, my head was spinning and I had a massive headache. I stumbled to the neighbors house and tried explaining what happened, but apparently I wasn't too coherent, but they took me to the hospital anyway and it turns out I had a pretty bad concussion. When I was actually coherent I pressed charges and he went to jail for domestic abuse.
Since then I've been afraid of relationships, both intimate and platonic, and often times come up with excuses to keep myself from going out with friends or on dates, and I'm 22 now. Most of my friends have stopped talking to me because of that and I still haven't managed to find any family. I've been through all kinds of different therapy, and sometimes it helps when I'm in a controlled environment, but when I go out I forget about the therapy completely and revert back to my quiet, introverted self. Because of that I feel like killing myself a lot, mostly when I go to sleep at night, but I usually avoid sleep so I don't think about suicide. There's no one around to miss me or care and I've lost the ability to make friends or get a boyfriend, I can barely bring myself to go to work, I dropped out of college long ago, and I have nothing going for me...
Basically everyone I used to know heard about the fight and him beating me, and they asked me all about it and stuff when I got out of the hospital, but as I grew apart from them they figured it was because of that and I was just being weird.
>Ask someone if they wanna hang out >Been almost 5 days and they haven't answered back Why is it so fucking hard just to say no? All ignoring does is make me feel shitty and think that you're a foul cunt.
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