L.P.D. Libertarian Police Department
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we're going to figure out who did this and we're going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you're the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn't seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn't care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
Soy yogurt handcuffs would have been trendier, and everyone knows a quarter won't buy you shit, not even a call from the chief. Maybe swipe your card?
Dems and Reps are two identical piles of dog shit laying next to each other.
Stop bringing up my mistakes. Fuck you, nigger.
I'll fuck you up, Bobby. You've got a nigger beater. T.J. Hooker has a firearm.
Thank you based OP
I will relinquish that cig from your hand with my trusty Springfield here.
If you keep posting that I fucked you, I'm gonna load a second round.
10/10 if OC, 8/10 if copypasta
these hypothetical stories are tongue-in-cheek enough to make me giggle so I'll post some more
LISTEN HERE BITCH. I KNIW THE RULES. I CAN STEER ON CRUISE CONTROL. STOP POSTING THE PICS I TOOK OF YOU. FFS
I'm sorry, baby. I drank too much tonight.
I just have one thing to say...
Totally lost my shit. Great stuff.
I don't know why this guy's dumping alien porn on your funny story.
>He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own.
It's the right to bear arms, you bunch of liberal niggers.
upsetting the libertarian tards is my favorite 4chan pastime
Why, Hello there.
Goddamn this website and you sharing my pics I took of you, you hedonist slut!
So Linda Hamilton & Ron Perlmans lovechild?
..I loved beauty and the beast. Such lovely sewerdwellers..
She lives on meowmix?
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow..
I do not know why but I am in love with her. I need to know who she is and how I can seduce her.
I'll never tell.
She's a filthy canadian. Just tell her you like hockey and molsen and hate the natives and that quebecs taxes belong to ottowa and she'll let you fire one between her eyes. Which, frankly, won't be that hard.
Slightly Larger, if you want it.
She's a freak and found that she can get stares that aren't followed up by laughs by taking her clothes off for people who are even bigger freaks than she is - cosplayers.
Oh my ACTUAL sides are in orbit...
I looks like someone smushed her face inward, but somehow still has a massive 5 head.
ahhh whats her condition?
Slightly larger if you care
Don't know. But google image search should get you started.
Other one from same set
More bath time
What is her name? I have most of her info.
Thank you. didn't have this one.
Separated at birth?
Do you have the goggles pics? I've looked for them but can't find them.
Retarded New Yorker copypasta thread successfully derailed. Thank you, Kitty!
I would not fuck that but I would plow the fuck out of Orbital-Hypertelor-chan
I'll dump the few I don't recall seeing you post.
and again >>556670094
last of the stupid smalls (I think)
You don't know shit. Does you're mommy know you are up this late?
We have great taste.
Or that but likely good taste.
I think I'm out
I've found more
Another from this set
Another from this set
Go back to your ball pit faggot
This thumbnail is the last of what i've found so far. I've been pulling from google for the last few. I think this is the bottom of the well.