ITT: Dirty jokes, go,go,go

>>549383218
how do you stop 5 blacks from raping a black woman?
who cares, they're niggers.

Well I have a knock knock joke, but I need an anon to start it off for me.

>>549384341
knock knock

>>549384479
Who's there?

>>549384523
Bu

>>549384619
Bu who

>>549384658
Why are you crying?

>>549384658
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Last joke I heard that really gave me a giggle:

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never spent $500 to have a lentil in my mouth,

>>549384804
Lel

>>549384804
Kek'd

>>549384804
What do you call 100 blacks buried to their necks in sand?

NOT ENOUGH SAND

>>549384804
i dun ge it

What's the difference between 17 year olds and 40 babies?

I don't have a car chopped up in my basement

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>>549383218
A young man walk into a bar, he calls the bartender. "6 shots of Jaegermeister please"
Bartender: " that's quite an order, is there a special occasion?"
Young man: " my first blowjob"
The bartender gets really giddy and replies " Awww hell yeah man, good for you, I'll give you a seventh shot on me!"
The young man glumly replies " excuse me sir, but if six shots of Jaegermeister isn't enough to get this taste out of my mouth. Nothing will"

What's the best thing about having sex with 26 year olds.

There are 20 of them.

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Whys it better to fuck 23 year olds, rather than a 17 year old?

Because theirs 20 of them

People in glass houses shouldn't have a pile of dead bowling balls.

>>549385536

inb4

>>549385465


>6 shots of Jager
>quite an order


Sure is 12 year old today.

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>>549385475
Hivemind

a priest, a skeleton, and a rabbi are on a life raft. The skeleton eats the rabbi, then the priest.

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>>549385573
>dead bowling balls

>>549385168
see a chickpea is also called a garbonzo, so the joke is that he paid to have a garbonzo in his mouth

Why do you put a baby feet first in a blender?
>So you can hear them scream.

How do you get them out again?
>Nachos

what does a nigger do after sex?

15 years to life

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I told her that was a big word for an 8 year old.

the worst thing about being a kleptomaniac is always having to take a shit.

So I was eating out my grandma this morning, and suddenly I tasted horse semen. Then it came to me. "So that's how she died."

How do you titfuck an 8 year old?

Break her shoulders.

>>549386251
I'd like to see someone top this one.

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>>549386251

Statistics show that 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape.

>>549385873
So glad I didn't have to be the one to explain it.

>>549386251
I... I didn't know this density of filth was possible

I am truly in awe

how do you make a gay man shag a woman?

shit in her cunt

How does a west virginia mother know her daughter is on her period?

She can taste it on her husband.

how do you tittyfuck a 10yo girl?
kick in the chest first.

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>>549386717

Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox

>>549385985
the best thing about dead baby jokes?
they never get old

What's worse than The Holocaust?
>Six million Jews

>>549386453
i gave oral sex to my grandmother after she was fucked to death by a horse and also she was black

You're welcome.

>>549383218
A white horse fell in a mud puddle

What sort of sanitary pads to salmon use?

Brooke Shields.

How do you have oral sex with your grandmother?
Put your tongue between her tits

>>549387130
Top = do better than

>>549386909
Sorry Monty Python, I don't understand your comedy, smh Benny Hill ass nigga

>>549387020
oldfag detected

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>>549383218
What's worse than stuffing a dozen oysters up your grandmothers cunt?


Sucking out thirteen.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo"

At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?"
And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home"

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?"
Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

>>549386380
>>549386251
>>549384804

Good stuff lol. Moar.

I got a few I'll try and remember.

So I'm hosting an African themed party tomorrow, guys. There's no food and the water is 26 miles away.

What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the hot iron.

What's 1 foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning? Crib death.

What's red and creeps up bitches legs? A homesick abortion.

I'll keep thinking.

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What has a purple head and makes a woman scream in the middle of the night?

Crib death.

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>>549387090

Whats the best thing about fucking babies?
you get anal and oral at the same time

>>549383218
a white horse fell on mud.


huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuheuhuehuehuehue

what does every new Russian wife get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name

What's 14 inches long and makes women scream?

Crib death!

Why can't you fool an aborted foetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

Fuck, beat me to it.... and better at that.

How is winter and a Japanese circus similar?

There is always a nip in the air.

>>549387321
top = kek

>>549387673
my kekkles

>>549385873
still don't get it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk

>>549387673
topkek

what's the difference between a Chevrolet and a pile of dead babies?

>>549388026
what do chicks have that looks a little like a pea?

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>>549384717

Not dirty, but I find it delightfully stupid.

A Bear walks into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says No, we don't serve beer to bears. The bear roars and gnashes his teeth, then asks for a whiskey. The bartender says No, we don't serve whiskey to bears. The bear roars again and gnashes at the counter, taking a big chunk out and sending wood shards flying - now yelling at the bartender what alcohol will you serve me?

The bartender says sorry, we don't serve drug users. The bear is confused and asks what the bartender is talking about. The bartender replies "I saw that bar bit you ate".

>>549386251

Haven't heard that one in a while, very nice.

What's yellow and pink, retarded, and edgy?

This thread!

>>549383218
You

A Horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "why the long face?"

The horse replies "My family died on 9/11"

>>549383218
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a huge jar filled to the top with 5 dollar bills with a sign that reads, "Complete the challenge to Win the jar"
He asks the bartender about the jar but the bar tender simply tells him to put in 5 dollars to find out.
The man ignores it and keeps drinking. However, as the day goes on he gets curious and decides "eh, what the hell" so he puts in 5 dollars.
The bar tender then pulls out pliers, a condom, and a full bottle of vodka.
He then says, "If you can do what I'm going to tell you in the correct order, you will complete the challenge... First, downstairs there is a pitbull with a bad tooth and I need you to pull it out. Next, Upstairs there is an old-lady who hasn't been fucked in a while so I need ya to take care of that, but before all that you must first chug this entire bottle of vodka."
The man agrees takes the condom and pliers and chugs the bottle of vodka.

He stumbles downstairs, and it goes quiet, all that is heard is the pitbull's growls turning into wines of pain.

The man stumbles back-upstairs with pliers at hand and says, "Alright... Where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"

>>549385873
Made me laugh more than the actual joke.
I imagined you explaining this like JD in Scrubs

A man walks into a bar.

He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
your girlfriend gets the munchies!

>>549386453
I don't know what's more shocking. The look of my wife while I was fucking our daughter or the fact that they let me keep her in the abortion clinic.

What's the worst part of being a black Jew?
>You have to sit in the back of the oven.

>>549386251
What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's pussy?

Realising you only put in 11

>>549388818
Hahah!!!! That's a good one!

>>549388128
HA! Took me a bit to get it but it was lulzy

>>549389075

please see: >>549387423

What does a baby look like when you put it into a microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

vaginal sex makes your day
but anal sex makes your hole weak

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

A boy is black and jewish. One day he walks up to his father and askes "Daddy, am I more jewish or am I more black?" His dad says "Why do you want to know?" The boy replies "A kid is trying to sell me something for $50. I don't know if I should try to get him down to $40 or just steal it."

>>549388072
oh ok, i get it now. would've been funny if i got it originally, oh well

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>>549384713
rekt

>>549389371
I imagined the rear side of the brush going on the kid face and I didn't get it.

Then it dawned of me I'm stupid as fuck

>>549389259
>>549389259
Mine was set up better

A guy walks into a diner, sits down at the counter and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress tells him "Sorry Hun, the man next to you just got the last bowl.
So the guy turns to the other man and says "Listen buddy, I've been really craving a bowl of chili. Is there any way I can have your bowl? I'll pay you double what you paid for it."
The man says "Sure thing pal!", and slides the bowl over.
The first guy thanks him, and starts to eat.
A few minutes go by, and he looks down and see's a dead rat lying in the half eaten bowl of chili.
He immediate;y throws up, right back into the bowl.
The other man leans over and says "Yep! That's about as far as I got too!"

>>549383218

What do niggers and bikes have in common?
They don't work without chains

How do you know that a black woman is pregnant?
If she pulls the tampon out, the cotton is picked

What does a nigger do after sex?
Try to get the pepperspray out of his eyes

>>549384658
Bubonic plague! You're dead

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>>549388128

You came up with that one yourself, didn't you?

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Why the horse face?"

How do you make a Jewish girl scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on the brand new living room curtains.

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>>549389348

I like it!

>>549386251
I eat my grandparent too.

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Q: Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

A: Have you ever tried to peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?

>>549387673
that's actually funny

>>549389514

it was

>>549389925
that image is fucking disgusting

A dying man walks into a bar with a toothache. "Bartender, 2 shots of whiskey please, my teeth are killing me".

Which of these does not fit the category: Wife, Meat, Blowjob?

You can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, but nothing beats a blowjob!

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>>549389925

What's the difference between my driveway and a 14 year old?

I pull out of my driveway

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he is an alcohol

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby dressed as a clown

>>549388818
>an alcohol
you dense motherfucker

>>549390368
I actually laughed out loud, but if I told this to any sane person they would shun me.

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Q: What's yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?

A: A baby with it's floaties slashed.

>>549390038
i... i dont get it

>>549390651
Sepsis

Whats the difference between a baby and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

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>>549383218

What do you do with a jew who has ADD?

>send him to a concentration camp

>>549390341
I'd change that to 'my 14year old daughter'

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>>549390774

A guy goes into a barbershop and gets a haircut.
When the barber is finished, he walks over to the corner of the shop and pisses in the corner.
The guy give him a twenty for the haircut, and asks "What are you doing pissing on your floor like that?"
The barber laughs and says "My lease is up at the end of the week and I'll be leaving, so who gives a fuck?"
He goes to the register to get the man's change, and when he comes back, the guy is taking a sit right in the middle of the floor.
The barber says "What are you doing?"
The guy says, what the hell, I'm leaving right now!"

What bleeds and has two legs?
Half dog
What are two epileptic guys doing in a rave?
Foam party

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>>549390593

What's the most offensive sentence you can say under 10 words?

"Man, I wish the holocaust actually happened."

>>549385536
Good one.

What's the best part of having sex with a six year old girl?
you should know this

>>549390841
JUST IN CASE, YOU GUYS, I'M NOT A FUCKING QUEER, BUT JUST IN CASE YOU WERE CHECKING I'D CHANGE IT TO DAUGHTER, MAYBE DAUGHTER-TRAP

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why are there trees in compton?
public transportation

>>549391164
toppest of keks

A middle aged woman has been fantasizing about getting fucked by a black guy, so one night she gets all dressed up and goes out to a bar.
After a few drinks, meets a black guy, brings him home, takes him into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes and lays down on the bed, spreads her legs and says to him "Do that thing you do best!"

So the black guy grabs the TV and runs out the door.

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Its the police ma'am your son has been killed by an alcohol.
Paste the pasta someone!
What do you get when you piss on a dead baby?
An erection

Clear out faggots, this is my thread.
A dad was fucking his daughter until the wife walked in. The wife was absolutely horrified and then the dad asked the wife
"What are you more frightened about? The fact that Im fucking my daughter or the fact that the abortion clinic let me take her home?"

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>>549391280

that's the vibe I got from that post aswell


no homo

>>549385821
>skeleton
>dead
>on life raft

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A man walks up to the cashier of a grocery store. He places the items he wishes to purchase on the counter. The cashier begins scanning the items. "This is some crazy weather we've been having", says the man to the cashier. "It certainly is", the cashier responds. "That'll be $12.84", says the cashier. The man pulls out a twenty dollar bill and hands it to the cashier. The cashier hands the man $7.16 back. "Thank you have a nice day", says the cashier. The man looks the cashier in the eyes, and with a serious face says, "the game".

Why can't Niggers mug Jews on Yom Kippur?
They fast.

A man walks into a restaurant with a broken arm.
He's the chef.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass

What did the Nazi soldiers yell at the black jews?

>GET TO ZE BACK OF ZE OVEN

What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A microwave won't brown your meat.

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Best gay joke:
How do you turn a fruit into a vegatable? AIDS

Keep em cumming

A man goes to the whores.
They agree on the price, go to the room and he starts the fun.
At the beginning, it's simply horrible. It's dry as possible and feels short of fucking sandpaper.
Then, after a while, it's just Incredible. Slippery as possible, ideally tight: the best fuck of all his life.
After he's done, and before leaving. He asks the girl.
"How come when we started, it was dry as possible and like fucking sandpaper,
and afterwards, so slippery it was my best fuck ever?"
"Well, you know, after the crust, there's pus."

What's the difference between a nigger a tire?
A tire doesn't start to sing when you put chains on it

>>549391687
i dont get it

>>549383218

Women deserve the same rights as men

>>549391548
How about coming up with something not posted yet?

>>549391687
What a dick

What's the difference between a cricket ball & abo pussy?

If you try really, really hard you can eat the cricket ball.

What's the difference between jam and marmilade? You can't marmilade your cock up a girls ass.

>>549392367
watch your mouth

>>549392527
jolly good!

Difference between dead baby and trampoline?

I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline.

>Q: What do you get when you combine a nigger with a gorilla?
>A: A stupid nigger.

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

I'll have you know that my grandfather died in Auschwitz. He fell off the watchtower.

>>549392750
Mine too! Some guard fell on top of my grandfather and killed him.

>>549383218
once i saw a black guy carrying a tv down the street and i thought... hey that looks just like mine
but then i remembered mine is at home polishing my shoes! badum tis

>>549392750
88

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>>549388128
Wow, took me ages. I doubt anyone knows what a barbiturate is.

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>>549392740

>>549392645

I keep getting phone calls & emails about my pet Rottweiler.

Just because it bit two abos and a muslim, IT'S FUCKING NOT FOR SALE.

There once was a whore that could blow guys while singing. There was one catch:you had to keep your eyes closed. This one dude comes in and asks the whore for a blowjob. The whore gets down on her knees and asks the guy to vlose his eyes, and then she starts to suck and sing. The guy carefully opens one eye just a little, and he sees a wooden table. On the table there was a glass eye.

>>549390368
actually laughed til I cried

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>>549393017

>>549392890
No way, mine too! but then he took an arrow to the knee

>>549393017
Reminds me of the skullfucker op

I had a good one, but it is too dirty, it may take a shower...

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>>549392289
shut the fuc...oh. oh i get it

>>549385573
The answer I always heard was "You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork".

How do you make an 8 year old cry twice?

Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

>>549392991
I once took a holiday in Australia, where I was questioned at customs, the usual, name, date/place of birth, business or pleasure.
I was asked if I had a criminal record. I didn't know it was still a requirement!

>>549392890
My granddad died trying to organise a necro-orgy

>>549383218
Why do niggers have white hands and feet?
Work refines a man.

>>549392965
If it wasn't for dumb americans killing their own in pearl harbour.

What's the difference between a Muslim woman and a catfish?

One has whiskers and smells and the other one is a fish

>>549393552
Mine killed himself after witnessing a necro nazi orgy

>>549385168
Chick pee

>>549393748
mine tripped over a dead body on the way to a necro nazi orgy and broke his neck

>>549383218
How do you tell if a nigress is prego?

>when she pulls out the tampon all the cotton is picked

Why don't Jews eat pork?


>Jews are a lot of things but certainly not cannibals

I have moar if people are interested

>>549392682
>>549392682
more like stupid gorilla, amirite?

>>549383218
One time I made this joke

>took a crane to get out

>>549392965
Yeah, tis an oooold joke from when my mum was a nurse in the 70's. Don't even think you can legally obtain them here in Oz anymore.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a wolverine? Fucked if I know but keep it the hell away from my arsehole.

I've got some great blind people jokes:

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After a week, she's so ashamed of what they're doing she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After three more weeks, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up.

A blind man from florida decides to drive up north to new york. He drives 400 miles to the south, then 200 miles to the west, then 500 miles to the north east, where does he end up?

What did the black kid get for Christmas?

My Bike

>>549394563
wet

>>549388328
Not if you change the color scheme.

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You can tune a piano,

But you can't tune a fish!

>>549394025
mine was killed shortly after an escape that was made possible by a sudden and unexpected shortage of nazi patrol officers

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 1,000 in the ashtray

Not really one for the Abbo jokes but I've always loved:

A garbo comes up to an aboriginal sitting at the curb,

"Hey mate, where's ya bin?"

"I bin in Cairns"

"No mate, ya wheely bin"

"Oh, I weally bin in prison but I tell me mates I was on holiday"

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>>549394713
What's the hardest thing about drowning a kid?
My erection

>>549394668
>>549394563
Dead in the newspapers

What's the worst thing about running down a group of gypsies?

The one that got away.

>>549388459
kekkk

>>549383218
knock knock

>>549395345
who is there

>>549388072
srsly hope this is bait...

What do you call a Chest with a control panel?

>>549395345
Who's deer

>>549395468
Beak

>>549395468
Tax collector, yer 3k behind this year

>>549386235
did this just go over everyone's heads or what

>>549394115
I'm interested

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Because your dad's dick tastes funny

...The aristocrats!

>>549394713
That's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. You're a mad man.

What's the worst part of fucking an 8 year old?

Knowing you'll have to kill them.

>>549383218
what do you do after licking porcelain pussy?
put the diaper back on

how do you know your sister is on the rag?
your father's cock tastes like blood

>>549386251
I don't get it

>>549395690

no it's just that most of us aren't in middle school anymore

>>549396034
and yet this thread is into its second hour, repeating the same nigger/rape/corpses/sex jokes.

how do you get a women to fall for your shit twice?

Tell her you didn't take a dumb on her front door

>>549396278
>>
Anonymous (ID: QVuS4UG1) 06/03/14(Tue)19:10:08 No.549395786 ?
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Because your dad's dick tastes funny

Whats the difference between an apple and a baby?

I don't fuck an apple before I take a bite out of it.

>>549391687
get. cancer.

What's the difference between a 7 year old hooker and a cadillac?

The apple doesn't taste like shit when I fuck a dead bowling ball

>>549394708
How do you do that?

A man and wife, teenaged son and young daughter go into a talent agent's office. They say they have an act, and that they can perform it right there in the office. The agent tells them to go ahead.

First, the father says something really filthy. Then his wife and daughter do something dangerous and probably illegal. While this is happening, the son is doing something socially inappropriate. Then the father joins the wife and daughter in doing something really nasty, while the son behaves in a more inappropriate manner. Next, they all switch positions, with the father being rude and the wife, son and daughter being vile. Soon, it's all too much and everyone is being really gross.

When it's all over, the agent asks, "What's the name of your act?"

The father proudly replies, "The Aristocrats!"

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>>549387601

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>>549385646

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

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>>549396758
being this new

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>>549394537

>>549396502
lol what the fuck happened to your reply?

>>549386935
I thought my sister-daughter was into me! that little bitch! guess I won't win mother of the year.

>>549396954
Mission accomplished.

>>549383218
Once saw a white horse fall into a ditch full of mud.
That was dirty.

>>549397194
dude. 3rd time in this thread, it aint funny

>>549397194
please see >>549387297 >>549387601

>>549397194
nigga l2 read the thread first

I got one I got one.

What did the blind, deaf and mute kid get for Christmas? Cancer

>>549389371
>Rub his butt with the back side of the brush

>>549396951
kekd

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>>549386453

>>549396951

That amused me.

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How did the crab get to the moon?

He used a SCUTTLECRAFT!

whats the worst part about putting 13 oysters up your gradmothers snatch?
eating out 14

>>549386251
After reading the whole thread, I think this is the winner. It might be the perfect dirty joke.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?
Cut the rope

What's the best thing about microwaving a baby?
Leftovers

What's the worst thing about losing your dog?
I don't have 47 hookers in my dead bowling ball

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>>549397542

What do you get when you cross a baked jew and a african?

Two black goys.

What's the best part about killing a dog?
Free food bowl

What's the worst part about killing a dog?
Killing the owner

What's the hardest part about killing a dog?
getting the 6 year old to hold the camera steady

What's the funniest part about killing a dog?
the clown suit

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey bites the feet off my rooster what do we have?

2 feet of my cock in your ass....

Why did the asshole twitch?

Because the other faggot was blowing on it

Why are blacks in the south compared to monkeys? Because they both swing from trees.

last night i decided to rape a woman on the streets and she cried "think of my children!"

kinky bitch

Ever eaten Ethiopian food?? Either have they..

>>549400000

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>>549383218
translated str8 outta dutch so there might be some spelling errors

there is a restaurant on the corner, one day 2 hobo's arrived there and asked the manager if they could have a fork, the manager said it was ok,
not very later they returned and also asked for a knife, the manager said it was ok,
after a while they returned again, also giving back the fork and knife, now they ask the manager for a spoon.
The manager asks why they need a spoon

'well, someguy just vomited at the end of the road and we have already ate all the big pieces'

>>549400873
works best when people have a hangover

>>549387073
Oh I get it. Dead baboes never grow old.

>>549385873
Why is this so fucking funny? Also, I now know what a garbonzo is lol.

There are Blacks in my family tree....and they're still hanging there.

How are Jews and pizza different?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

>>549403260
already done

>>549400302
Eithiopian food is pretty good

>>549393493
am i the only one that got that?

>>549392098
That was disgusting. Going to have to remember that one.

>>549383218
A Sanitary worker falls into a pile of shit, he didn't clean his suit from last night when he fell in to another pile of shit.

>>549383218
my dick

>>549404130
no, you're not, but I don't post me lels

What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A sheep.

>>549405489
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?

An epileptic.

what's funnier than swinging a baby around with 200mp/h?

stop it with a shovel.

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Elliot Rodger?

>Elliot died a virgin

why do you blend a baby with the feet first?
So you can skullfuck it while doing it, but remember to pull your dick out of else it will be nasty as fuck.

>>549391687
You sir, are a genius.

>>549383218
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew?
The boy scout comes back from the camp.

Whats the difference between a jew and santa?
Santa goes down the chimney, the jew goes up the chimney.

what is 40 cm long and makes every women scream?


>a stillbirth

Why do women have short feet ?

So they can get closer to the sink

Hey anons..

How do you make a baby stahp crying??

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Two friends walk through the woods, hopelessly lost, hungry and cold. On the verge of starving and rock-paper-scissoring who's gonna eat whom, they see a bit of smoke going up over the treetops. They decide to find out the source - either there's a cabin where they can beg/steal some food, or the woods are burning and they get some grilled game, win-win either way.
After a two hour walk, they finally reach the source of the smoke: a small hut's chimney. The two starving wanderers go up to the door and knock. A small, hunchbacked woman opens and asks why they dare to disturb her. After the two friends explain their situation, she smiles and says:
"Well, I've got tons of food here; I hunt small game and grow my own vegetables, and I do nothing all day but baking and creating heavenly pies and other desserts. There's a catch though: One of you has to fuck me while the other gathers whatever food he can carry from my cellar; I'm 106 years old and haven't seen a dick since my 21st birthday. I don't care which one of you either, because I'm nearly blind. I just need some cock ferchristsake."
Rock paper scissors it is again. The losing friend shudders, tells his friend how much he is gonna hate him after this, and follows the old woman into the hut. Both undress and as soon as the old woman removes her underwear, a putrid stench straight out of hell wafts through the room. No chance he is gonna stick his dick in that, no matter the hunger, so he frantically looks for a substitute. On the kitchen table, there is a plate of freshly grilled corncobs, so he takes one and violates the old cunt with it mercilessly. As soon as she has cum, he throws the evidence out of the window and gets runs of the hut. There his friend waits, arms full of all kinds of food, and tells him laughing:
"Man, this is like some kind of fairytale! I walked by the window, and a grilled corncob flew straight into my mouth! And if that weren't enough already, it even had an inch of melted butter on it!"

When was fried rice invented?
1945

p. Seriously, dude, you mistakenly typed a "p" upside down >> dumb<<

Your 'CapsLock' was already on and you hit "Shift" by accident. Happens to me alla time

A janitor in a school told me a cute story.
Everyday, he had to clean up everything, including the bathrooms, which were quite dirty, and every time, he could see some lipstick in the mirrors.
Mind you, it was a fairly small school, but it was a pain to remove, especially several time daily.
So he asked for the Headmaster to say a word for him to the ladies, which he did.
Class by class, he made all the girls follow him to the bathroom, explained the situation and told them to spare the janitor this complicated cleaning.
He then asked him to show them the difficulties he had with it.
The janitor took a mop from the ground, went to the nearest toilet bowl, soaked the mop in the water and then proceeded with cleaning all the mirrors under the horrified look of the ladies.
Since then, there haven't been a single trace of lipstick.

>>549409243
pull out

>>549409378
Yes. :)

my grandpa died in the halocaust
he fell of the guard tower

>>549404130

no, but I can't read that joke without hearing Jimmy Carr telling it

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>>549404327

>>549409378

made me giggle

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>>549392750
>>549392890
>>549393552
>>549393748
>>549394025

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I Also have a knock -knock joke, but somebody needs to start it off for me...

>>549391687
lost, an hero now, no point in living.

>>549409375
that should say *runs out of the hut

Another:

An old woman goes to the doctor and he tells her that she has only two days to live left. She starts to cry and the doctor tries to calm her by saying that two days are still enough time to take care of her loved ones and organize the funeral and all that. She replies:
"That's not the problem, I could do that in one day. But I always imagined I'd have sex a last time before I die; my beloved husband died 30 years ago and I haven't had a good hard fuck since way before that."
"Oh", the doctor says, "I can help you with that. It's illegal for me to do because you're my patient, and we barely know each other, but what the hell, get naked!"
The old woman brightens up, hugs him thankfully and undresses. The doctor tries to get it on, but no matter which way he tries, he can't get his dick in. The old woman notices, tells him to wait and runs to the bathroom next to the doctor's office. After a few minutes she comes back, they try again, and everything's nice and wet and smooth. The doctor tries his best to satisfy her and after they both can't take it anymore, rolls off her and asks her, still panting from exhaustion:
"What the hell did you do in there? That was the best sex I had in my life by far, and I'm married to a 22 year old swimsuit model for crying out loud!"
"Oh, honey", the old woman says and smiles, "you as a doctor should know: Where's scab, there's pus!"

>>549409375
>>549412035
Just. NO.

>never seen a pic more fitting to the post than in your first joke though, I'll give you that

>>549410930
knock pock

>>549383218
Why do old people stop having sex?
>Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGPwHkS4SGc

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>>549386251
That is the worst.

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this one time at my uncles house he came into the room while i was sleeping and started touching my pee pee and he whispered in my ear "no te preocupes pequeño, las gallinas en el oeste, una vez más resurgir de sus pedos." and then he shoved my G.I. Joe doll up my ass. assualt rifle and all. i told my dad about G.I. Joe time with uncle josie. my father told me i dont have an uncle josie. to this day i dont know where my G.I. Joe is.

Larry is a good father
Larry loves his wife
Larry loves his daughter
Larry loved his dog
Larry is glad the dog isn't pregnant

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can’t peanut butter your dick up someone’s ass

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A nigger, a Jew and a grossly obese Mexican man walk into a
gay bar. They approach a cum-gargling faggot with a 2-inch
long, always flaccid penis using a laptop at a table which is
sticky with HIV ridden gay semen.
"You wanna come back to our place?" the nigger asks the
faggot. "You can toss my Mexican friend's rancid
herpes-and-shit-covered salad and jerk my Jewish friend's
wart-and-pimple-covered penis while I ram my giant unlubed
nigger-cock into your gaping, oft-fucked asshole."
"Literally nothing in the world would make me happier," says
the faggot, removing his finger from his butthole and licking
it clean.

>>549415625

see

>>549410454

>>549415625
WHAT

How do you get a faggot to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.

>>549383218
The Aristocrats!