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ok /b/ story time >I deliver alcohol, last delivery of the

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 228
Thread images: 41

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ok /b/ story time
>I deliver alcohol, last delivery of the night
>390 dollars, 2 bottles of whiskey, 3 vodka, 2 white wine, and like 10 bottles of soft drinks and a bag of ice
>rock up at the place, it's a hotel
>chat up hot chick at front desk a bit, cause that's what you do
>get let up to the room
>inside, 20 fully muslim men, turbans and beards and everying standing around the edges of the room, staring intently at the floor in the middle of the room
>in the middle of the room, 2 strippers fully naked scissoring each other in position pic related, with a double ender between them
>the men (and one fat ugly leb chick) all silently and intently watching them

>"yeah ok that will be 390" to one of the guys
>"ok that guy will fix you up" and points to a guy that just walks out of the room
>standing there staring at like the ceiling and shit waiting for the other guy to get his cash
>the 2 strippers move to like squatting on each other
>then move to one on her shoulders, the other squatting over her in like pile driver (next pic related)
>finally after like 5 minutes of the most awkward situation in the world guy comes back and gives me the 400 dollars
>chatup chick at front desk more, tell her this story and chat a bit, 10 minutes later get her number

Alcohol delivery is a fucking weird job
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Pic related, pile driver they were in (but obviously 2 chicks with a double ender)

Oh and also they were like super spray tanned, and at least one (i only saw her) had bleached her butthole, and so it was exactly the same color as everything else, and it literally looked like she had no ass, fucking weirdest shit ever
did you call the police? That many muslims in one place is a terrorist convention:

As I was chatting up the chick at front desk I asked how long till they were getting kicked out, police where probably going to be called in about 30 minutes, she was being lenient because it was the guys 30th

Oh and apparently it was their second lot of strippers that night
Story 2
>deliver to some hot chicks house
>already super drunk, ordered bottle of belvedere earlier in the day, finished it herself, ordered about
>ask how she is going, apparently just broke up with her boyfriend
>Invites me in and up to her bedroom
>Im thinking, fucking mad, going to get a root on the job
>we leave room
>damn no fucking
>"Oh do you want some pizza??!?!"
>fuck yes, free pizza dont even care I didnt re-enact the sleeziest porno ever

>as Im leaving her room mate walks out of the shower/bathroom
>no towel, just walks out
>"Oh hey (alcohol delivery company name)"
>"Hey, forget something?"
>"Nah we are always like this!"

>ok whatevs, weird enoug

>leave chicks place, her friends are rocking up at the same time
>2 girls, one normal, the other standing legs spread at the glass door, stockings and panties down to her ankles leaning back spreading her pussy against the glass door

Alcohol delivery is a fucking weird job
continue OP. even if fake, stories are amusing.
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you talk like an australian. what company delivers alcohol around these parts? assuming you're an aussie, i'm a melbfag and they don't have that over here. i think...

also: tits.
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>rock up
I guarentee none are fake
Yeah your right! obviously not going to say where from because that's fucking dumb

>asian manager, super awkard
>go with him for one delivery (cant remember why anymore maybe training?)
>resonably attractive girl answers door
>tight ish little shirt
>asian manager guy "ok the total comes to......"
> looks down
> chick is completely naked from waist down
>he starts stuttering spilling spaghetti everywhere

>I take over, " that comes to (some price), also aren't you cold?"
>"your right I am a bit nippy, how about you come inside and we can sort out the cash"
>whatever, go inside, collect cash, asian guy stays outside
>"your right I am a bit cold, how about you come upstairs with me?"

>obviously fairly drunk already, whatever go up with her
>make out, start dry humping her

>Manager guy calls me "uh we have more deliverys to do, whats taking so long?"

>fuck my life, leave and have blue balls for rest of night
bumping for more stories
what company? i would've killed for some booze to be delivered to me a couple nights ago.
also, soooo much free drugs, at least once a week I'll get free weed, maybe once a month I'll get like caps or coke or something

>rock up at apartment
>2 girls one guy, gatorade bottle bong on table
>have laugh about it with chick who answers door, say they are being naughty
>ask for cash, get cash
>"hey do you want some caps?!?!"

>"fuck yeah deffinitly!"
>"oh, we werent expecting you to say yes, sorry"
>"oh, umm, ok, I, uhh, have more deliverys I guess (spaghetti everywhere, too unexpected)
>"oh but we've forgotten your tip, jess come here!"
>both come up
>hug me, boobs pressed against me hard, kiss on cheek, one starts rubbing my dick through my jeans, other grabs ass

>well that was cool, leave place
>put hand in back pocket to get keys out, chicks number written on a piece of paper

>call like 2 days later, we end up playing around for a few weeks and fucking a few times

I swear to god my life actually just turns into a porno
Oh lawdy, who do you work for? This seems like a dream job.
>delivering to place on outskirts of citys red light districtish area
>guy answers door, "oh the cash is inside"
>whatevs, go inside, normal shit
>6 girls standing around none attractive in anyway, obviously a brothel, stereotypical gross whores
>In thick middle eastern accent "You want try girl instead of me pay"
>"Uh not really, in all honestly I kinda just want to get home" (I was moving 2 days later and still had to get packing
>"no no, you try girl, here (yells out some hooker name, mercedes or some shit) come here, look this very fine girl, pretty girl (had some gross mole on face, like 4/10)
>"here look, she pretty yes"
>"uh, yeah, she looks really good."
>"see so you have massage with girl, me no pay"
>"no I think I would rather you just pay and I can go home"
>"oh. Ok. Here is money"
>girl looks so dejected, I feel really bad
ok im jelly op, fuck you you glorious bastard
One time I was robbed!
>Arrive at house
>ask for cash, guy snatches box out of my hands
>"oh, do you mind? anyway the total for that lot is (idk like 90 bucks or something)
>"fuck off, slams door"
>Knock a few times, doesnt open door or anything
>Call on mobile, leave a message, yeah you forgot to pay (obviously didnt forget to pay, but you kinda have to)

>whatevs, call office and leave

>Get back at end of night, call police and file report
>It was his home address, and he gave his real name and number

>police arrest him 9 days later, we get $3000 settlement for 90 dollars of win
>I get a bonus because it worked out so well for the office
sorry guys, not giving any more details,
as a job its good, fun and all, doesn't pay too well if its not busy, but if it is I can do like 25 orders a night,
I get 2 dollars per delivery on top of 15 dollars base rate. I can average like 25 dollars an hour if it is busy
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bump for this shit is gold
>delivering in city, boxing up order
>random homeless chick runs up starts like trying to talk to me, but kinda slurring and yelling, obviously mentally fucked up
>leans in and grabs bottle of vodka and runs off
>Whatever, we are insured, also any losses arent my fault
>She is sprinting off
>trips over gutter, face straight into ground
>Bottle doesnt smash!!!
>walk over, pick up bottle, box it up (order was vodka and soda water)
>walk away and do delivery

>when I get back she is gone, but there is some pool of blood where she fell, and like dripping down the street
>lol and drive off
>tell story back at office, get a bonus because I got the vodka back
Deliverying food one time (cross over service)

>don't have my work shirt, just wearing casual shit
>rock up at restaurant, yo im picking up this order (order number)
>"oohhh that isn't ready just yet" Super gay indonesian waiter
>"where's your shirt handsome"
>I freak the fuck out, haven't had creepy gay guys flirt with me before
>"uh, I left it at home, i forget to wash it and it was really smelly."
>"eww thats soo yucky, why did you tell me that" and walks away
>operation not flirt with guys = success
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Bumpin' because this shit be cash, even if probably fake
I hope there are alot more stories of this. sounds like a dream job too bad no deliveries where I live
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Obviously I can't prove it's no fake, but you'll have to take my word, drunk people are fucked up
Their are, its just typing them out sucks!
Deilver maor OP
Oh fuck I dunno why but this gif reminded me of one

>going to delivery right on the edge of our delivery area
>kinda creepy house, front yard is waterlogged, but has like wooden tile things I can step on

>get to front door, knock
>40 year old chick answers door, has beads glued to her face, along with whiskers and like rainbow paint, fairy wings on back
>all other people in the room are like this too
>"Oh, your sure dressed up, whats the occasion?"
>"no occasion, we are always like this, we are fairys"
>"Oh right....."
>Walk off (credit card order)

>They start chanting as im leaving, fucking hippies man
Im surprised no one has posted hate about you recieving a tip
it's not about getting tipped, it's about feeling entitled to one
>op delivars alcohol
>delivar moar
Awesome stories brah.
I get tips all the time, sometimes can be really good

One guy regularly tips 30 dollars, if you listen to him talk for like ten minutes

My best tip was $55, I delivered 3 cases to the 3rd floor of some apartment block, I carry them all up in one guy, but when I get there I really put on an act of being really tired, complain about the stairs

>convert to greentext, easier
>The guy is like, oh so whats it come to.
>Like 220 or whatever it was
>how much do you get?
>I only get 15 an hour to be honest
>Oh shit well here you go, 220 plus 55 on top

Thats the second highest tip anyones gotten highest was 1 week later, a 4000 dollar order, the guy had to carry this fucking stupid amount up 7 stories, got $100 bucks, i think mine was better haha
>$4000 worth of booze in a trip
must've taken a crane
>4000 dollar order of alcohol
Did he order expensive magnum champagne or was this some huge-ass party?
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>It was his home address, and he gave his real name and number

How can anyone be so stupid?
>get delivery to some industrial area
>"drive down the driveway all the way and turn right"
>Arrive, find driveway thing (its like an industrial lot
>No street lights, super secluded
>Text office, "If I get shot I'm going to haunt you soo bad "(to hot office chick, we are heaps flirty and I made out with her out back where theres no cameras once)

>drive down driveway slowly, getting ready to bail the fuck out of there
>keep going, longest darkest fucking place ever
>eventually get to end, turn right,
>this tiny fucking cottage thing there, in this industrial zone behind warehouses
>4 40 year old shirtless guys there, as white as white can be
>"hey bro, its scary out here hey. Hey while your here you want a beer?"

>heaps sick, have a beer and sit there with these guys for like 40 minutes waiting for next order, play guitar and shit
>I didn't respond to the order quick enough, office calls me heaps worried im dead or something
How do you know they were Muslims, and not just Arabs? Or were they Muslims from Africa or Asia?
It was some work function or some shit, like 15 kg of ice, 20 cases or something, moet, spirits, the lot.
Was fucking ridiculous, a van fully filled, I was suprised it made it without tearing the suspension out
Fuck I don't know, their all the same, they had turbins and beards and where dark skinned and it was fucking weird
They were defs arab at least
If any of this is fake then you're great at selling your story OP
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you seem to deal with sketch shit really well op, props to you
Has to be a melb or syd fag if he is really an aussie, i only know of a couple of services that deliver food AND alcohol...
not me, my friend, I was in passenger seat

> came back from a bush doof, 4 days no sleep
> He is driving to a set of lights.
>sideswipes some car, huge gash in the side of van, no damage to other car

>both get out, he chats with guy, yeah whatver bro, your working and theirs no damage to mine, its all good
> He is like, yeah heaps sweet, gets back in the van
> 200kg guy squeezes out of passanger seat, "HEY WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING"
> "He said it was all ok!!!" and drives off
> Fat guy runs after him yelling, trips and literally fucking rolls for like 3 metres cause he was so round
>many lulz were had
Ok here is probably the weirdest of the lot that I have, super awkward for me

>arrive at guys house, its a call on arrival sort of thing, a bottle of whiskey
>call, he runs outside
>"alright bro, your giving me a lift to somewhere, I'll give you some cash"
(this guy is one of the biggest coke dealers in the area, im not going to fuck with him + i don't have any other orders anyway)
>"yeah sure, where are you going?"
>"(some address)"
>"ok cool" drive off

> start talking, asking why im giving him a lift
> Yeah the wifes giving me a hard time, fuck it had to get out of the house
>fuck man, she is saying go fuck some other girl, it would make it so much easier
>etc etc
>he also gets on his phone some time this trip, calls his friend "yeah I've got a bag of coke and have been going for 4 days, get some hookers over and lets fuck"

Ok so instead of greentexting his story out I'm just going to give a rundown because it will make more sense

So we are going to this place so he can fuck some hookers because his wife has told him to go fuck another girl, because she thinks he has been, and has also most likely (according to him, he was pretty coked up) been fucking male prostitutes for the past 3 months
Turns out that they hire prostitutes together (female) so they can have 3 ways together, apparently it was her idea and he gets shitty saying why cant he fuck other girls anyway its the same shit.
They have a kid together, weird fucking shit man.
Telling me to only go out with girls if they let you fuck them in the ass and are hot

Eventually arrive, he gives me 50 bucks for the lift

a month later his wife places an order, "oh and while your placing that, can you please remove my husbands card from this address, he doesn't live here any more

Lol hard knowing I'm a part in it
It's sort of part of the job, you get fairly used to dealing with it. Plus it makes it far more interesting then just like food delivery
>Girlfriends been unemployed for like 3 months
>ask boss if they want to give her a job
>He starts making jokes about how they need a masseuse
>I joke around a bit, whatever he is my boss you kinda have to
>Then she can give me some happy endings
>"Haha well I think she was more looking for an office job!"
>"No seriously that can be her job"
>"Oh, umm well I don't think she will get a job here then"
>he replies "Well you could do it too........."
>Nope the fuck out, finish unpacking and leave

He hasn't spoken to me since, awkward as fuck
uh oh lol. so did you quit?

Also, have you seen any paranormal shit? I have a feeling you work in sydney, but idgaf i like your stories.
>deliverying in the crappy leb part of town
>do some delivery, as I'm doing it some lebs fly past beeping their horns in riced out leb mobiles racing each other

>whatevs, finish delivery drive down back street to next one
>Doing like 80kph, its like 11pm
>Lebs are sitting in carpark next to a park, I fly past
>Theres some bar across the end of the road, ROAD CLOSED BETWEEN 8PM and 6AM
>Fuck, turn around drive back past lebs
>they are milling about middle of the road, I come to a stop
>They starting talking or something, I open the window
>"Fuck brah you were fucking flying, we didn't think you were going to be able to stop at the end!"
>"haha yeah well I saw it eventually hey!"
>"Yeah they put that in becoz of us hey, we used to race here!"
>"oh cool..." I chat a bit with the group, give them a flier

>as im leaving they start chanting burn out and dump it
>I yell out, its an automatic, they dont hear me

>accelerate as fast as I can in the van, no wheel spin, its a van, and slowly drive away (as fast as it goes)
>embarrasing as fuck, I can hear them hollering from down the road
Nah, the work hours fit in too well with uni, and it's fun.
No like legit paranormal shit, more just weird as fuck people

I delivered to one guy who had painted a picture of a guy with eagle wings instead of arms on his front door, super smack head, when he answered the door he insisted I call him el de la muerte or some shit (he said it meant death bringer and that he was going to deliver the earth from sin)
more stories ya fuckin druggo
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Screen capping this thread for posterity
>I finish a delivery and walk back to the van
>group of obviously 15 year olds milling around the van
>engage me in conversation, ask how it works and shit.
>Whatevs, no deliverys at the moment, ill play along
>Explain they order and I deliver, I say they have to call the office if they want anything delivered
>they ask what the most expensive thing we have is (fucking faggots, seriously)
>I text office saying they are underage, play around with them
>I keep talking shit, wait for them to try and call an make the order
>If any of you have ever dealt with kids and alcohol you would know they suck up to you seriously hard
>This kid is talking and all im doing is ripping into him about how he is a faggot and shit, he is complimenting how funny I am

>5 minutes pass, they guy is put on hold
>Im like yeah ok guys, this is taking a bit a delivery just came in I'll have to do that (not a lie)

>go do other delivery
>get call from office (yeah those kids just ordered, they want it to be delivered to a park
>they want a bottle of vodka
>office "Yeah whatever, this is the park their in, don't give them anything alcoholic but have fun
>pour out bottle of soft drink
>pour bottle of vodka into soft drink bottle
>fill vodka bottle with water from tap
>close vodka bottle
>arrive at park "Hey guys, how you going?"
>"Yeah good bro, glad your here"
>ask for money, get the $50 bucks or whatever
>give them bottle of vodka filled with water
>Try not to shit myself laughing, pull it off and walk away

>Get back to office, tell story
>get to keep soft drink bottle full of vodka, they couldnt sell it anyway AND I get the $50 bucks cause it wasn't a real order
>everyone pisses themselves laughing
If you do, post em up, I want a copy, typing these fucking sucks haha
from what forum is it?
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Will do, here's the first
one of a regular customers is some scottish cunt in a wheelchair, he has no legs and always orders a bottle of whiskey
Super scottish accent

>delivering to his apartment, top floor
>knock,he opens door
>"hey (scottish name) how you going?"
>super slurred, already super drunk "yeah im doing really well now"
>"Haha well thats really good to hear (scottish name), here you go, heres your drink"
>"Thanks (my name), he leans forward and falls out of his wheelchair, it rolls back quickly into his apartment and knocks over a bookcase"
>"oh shit man are you ok, do you need a hand or something?"
>"oh um yeah sure ok will do"
>Jump back in lift
>hear him yelling at his wife to get the hoist as the lift door closes and he lies on the floor with no legs trying to crawl back into his apartment
what the fuck did i read
OP, what does lebs mean?
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we need more fags like OP. pls continue man
Oh shit! El de la muerte!
Yeah nah i dont know that guy, lol but keep posting these stories dude :) keeping me entertained while i wait for my plane.
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Where are you going mate ?
seriously WTF is that then look at the navigation the fuck is with that
Lebanese people. In australia we call them lebs. and they are annoying cunts at times.
Sydney, I was on a holiday in queensland and my check out was early and I had nothing to do so i came to the airport at Kuringatta. Got about 40 mins or so to wait. Holiday was good but, stayed at the versace.
you are a true american hero
>inb4 not american
Neither is was Arnold and we made him a goddamn governor.
cheers brah!!
It means Lebanese, lebanese people

>one of our regular customers is some decent looking 35 year old milf, 2 kids, one 17 one younger (must have had them soo early in her life

>we get on pretty well, one day deliverying 2 bottles of wine to her
>She answers the door one day, already super drunk
>"ok here you go, heres your order (name)"
>"Thanks (name) you enjoy the rest of your night!"
>"thanks, I will do! i hope you enjoy yours too!"
>drive off
>realise that it wasnt prepaid like hers normally are, drive back
>knock on door, she arrives, explain situation and ask for cash
>"oh thats ok, its just inside why don't you come and get it"
>"Ok sure, its only like $40 anyway"
> we go inside, she pays and starts talking about how her son us out for madi gra and she hopes he is safe
>I reassure her saying im sure its all fine
>we chat for a bit more, she asks if I want a drink
>"Yeah sure that would be great!"
>Pours me some wine, and her a full to the brim glass full
>Chat some more, she talks about how her and her husband broke up
>Eventually she starts sitting up close to me, flirting and shit
>After talking a bit more she just goes in for the kiss, whatever she is hot and i don't have any other delivers
>make out a bit, she takes my pants off and starts sucking my dick
>eventually come in her mouth, she swallows it all
>I stop being horny, oh shit what the fuck just happened here
>Turns out her other son was just upstairs
>I make some excuse that I have other orders to do, leave quickly

>she hasnt ordered since

>Get an order to her place like 3 weeks later
>oh shit what the hell, this is suprising
>Arrive, knock on door, she answers
>SUPER surpised to see me, starts going on about how she didnt order
>I reply "oh well it was ordered by (some male name)"
>turns out to be her date for that night
>He hasn't paid already, have to collect $45 off her

>super awkward
$50 for a bottle of vodka

>leaving her place, as im going I make some backhanded comment about how she is going to suck his dick as I walk away
>she is like WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!!
>Im like oh nothing, just wishing you a lovely evening

>She knew 100% what I said

>As Im leaving her boy for the night arrives
>she gets shitty at him and starts like hitting his chest
>sends him away

>lol the fuck out as I drive off
Thinking about it now, I've probably done sexual shit with far too many customers, I should probably stop haha
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>>543110198 Nevar stop Faggot!
Right now you remind me of Paulie from fat pizza. Even pizza delivary guys here get weird shit lol.
>Ok rock up at some guys place.
>guy and girl, obviously a couple
>deliver, get cash
>both super drunk
>guy "Ohh you have such lovely eye brows"
>"They are such georgeous eye brows, they are so perfect"
>"Why dont you stay for a drink"
>I think of some shitty excuse
>girlfriends starts yelling at him "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD STOP DOING THIS"
>I leave
>Can hear from down the hallway her abusing him for being a collossal faggot, and trying to tune delivery boys

>as I get into lift she storms out of the place
>I hold lift door open for her
>She jumps in lift, appologises for the boyfriend, calls him a faggot.
>we get off at same level and walk out together, chatting a bit
>squeezes my ass as I say im leaving
>I walk off
>she calls out "You do have really nice eyebrows by the way!"

>I spend rest of the night looking at my eyebrows in mirrors in lifts
Its 2am and this is amazing. Going to have to start ordering from random delevery companies in Melbourne in the hope you rock up.
>this is not the religion you were sikhing.
Not you specifically but if anyone does end up ordering from any alcohol companies in australia make some 4chan reference when the delivery guy rocks up, if its me I'll get it and we can shoot the shit or something, I'll probably give you some mad discount or something too
it's on the deepweb anon, you're too young to understand
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so your in melbourne what part like inner city east/west suburbs
If I was too young to understand this, I wouldnt need tips from this site....
alcohol delivery is the best fucking thing. I moved from the US to switzerland recently and it is awesome to just have bottles of liquor delivered right to your door.

Do you ever judge the customers though? That is the only thing I worry about. Like in the past week I've ordered a couple cases of beer and 5 fifths of jim beam, and I always wonder if they keep track of it all and talk shit about you to the other delivery people
Nah I'm not in melbourne soz
Yeah deffinitly, one chick orders a bottle of vodka a night, she is some collosal hoarder, her apartment is filed with about a metre thick of trash from the floor, and it stinks up the entire apartment block
We don't actually give a fuck though, odds are your not the worst at all, we prefer regulars to be honest, makes our life easier and its a familiar face
>she's like fuck you stop flirting with guys you fucking fag
>like 2 seconds later gropes you whilst flirting

Fuck that woman
Is that confirmation that your working in melbourne?
>rock up at this girls house
>fat, blonde hair scene-ey chick
>do delivery, get cash
>as im leaving see the familiar pinky red and white of a nswf board on her computer
>Ask girl "Hey what are you up to, that looks familiar"
>turns out she is some /soc/ camwhore (apparently, I dont use soc
>asks if I want to stay, we can do some browsing together
>"Uh no thanks, I have more deliverys..."

>No more deliverys, go and play 3ds for 2 hours
if you don't know what it is, you're not ready
If i werent a chicken farmer i'd try a job like this out.
Nah I don't work in melbourne soz.
If anyone does order please make the reference to the delivery guy, that will be fun as fuck if its actually someone from here
:( If no one is gonna tell me, then I cant know anything about this. If I dont know anything about this, no one is gonna tell me :(
how much do you make delivering alcohol? where are you?

there are delivery services in my area and this seems like interesting weekend work.
yeh that's kinda the point. this is how the underground works.

it's like getting a gf, you can't actively seek one or they'l see that you're desperate and they won't want you. you jsut have to do the right things and sit tight.
15 an hour + 2 bucks per delivery my last paycheck was 380 dollars for 19 hours work ( 3 nights)
Where you from, if your local I might be able to get you a job (although I probably wont, thats weird as fuck)
Just tell me :( I am not a cop....
that's not bad. May not be right for me. Seattle area. 3 companies I know about, but the state keeps shutting them down. I'd insist on cc
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Calm your tits, look up Tor. That's all I'm gonna say
You work for PinkDot OP
bumping with tits, this thread rulz
how do i know you're not part of the cyber-police?
more 4chan related shit, this was my past job
>working at a florist (fuck it whatever, gotta earn that ashcay, wanna buy my 318ti (get on /o/ cunts))
>New chick starts working there
>dunno how it came up but we start talking about fucked up shit on the internet
>she brings up 4chan
>turns out she is a regular browser
>turns out she has posted pics of herself
>we joke around a bit
>flirt with her a bit, she is a bit fat but whatever, im horny and she isn't ugly, and also she is fucking weird which I like

>flirt lots more, she starts like patting my dick and stuff as we walk past each other
>eventually we are upstairs together (seperate part of the building)
>starts making out with me
>start fingering her
>she is wearing a skirt
>turn her around and start fucking her standing
>fuck for a bit
>hear someone walking up stairs
>pull out, zip up.
>boss walks in (50 year old chick)
>both out of breath
>"How come you guys are up here, what are you doing" she says
>Make some crappy excuse about how we are getting vases or something
>she believes it 100%.
>finish fucking girl, don't pull out she is on the pill
>we both carry some boxes downstairs, boss is proud of our ingenuity
if you ask a cop if he's a cop, he's legally obligated to tell you. You're safe, anon
howd they prove he stole it
You don't. You can believe me or you don't.
(whats it like being retarded.)
Oh no sorry, I'm in australia hahah
Don't need to, our word against his, and our word is more powerful, we are a reputable company and wouldn't lie over something so crap

plus I think he had previous convictions?
what .onion is that from?
Are you sure that rule applies to the cyber police though?
Oh and I actually delivered to this chick on my current job, was suprised as fuck, although she didn't answer, someone else did
Anna if your there say something hahha
Ok guys, im getting far more drunk as I go, what types of stories do you guys like so I can not waste my time typing up the boring ones
the once that belong in an epic thread
Those witth naked 10/10 girls ansvering the door offcourse.

Have you had any injuries on this job?
you know, dumb kiddies
>this is not strictly legal, so we'll charge you a bit more
they'd fall for that
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Ever fucked on the job?
You pay for convenience as well as quality of the drink.
it's in the constitution man
Bullshit. If a cop's undercover they'll obviously say no
this nigger has clearly never read the constitution. It's in there
kk, very descriptive
>doing a delivery to some place in the city, like $200 of food
>arrive at this kids house, knock he opens
>4 shirtless guys
>"oh hey guys, heres your food"
>look around the place
>literally about 200 pairs of nikes covering one wall of his place, neatly lined up
>"I make a comment about his shoes, say their nice or some shit"
>"oh do you want a pair"
>"oh wow yeah sure"
>gives me a pair of shoes
>lol fuck that, im not a faggot, I dont wear nikes
>sell them on ebay for like $150

>he asks how the shoes are the next time I deliver to him
>Yeah bro their going heaps well
>"How come your not wearing them"
>"I dont want to wear them out on the job"
>"fair enough, I hope your enjoying them!!!"
they just sound like really friendly people
you sound like an awkward fag with an inferiority complex
shoe people are fucking weird. I never understood nike collectors. Yeah some shoes are rare, but so are a ton of other shoes. It's always nike too. It's such a bizarre culture
nice choice
How old are you op? You're a freelancer?
nah man he's not like you :) your just a fucking cunt.
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OP works for Dan Murphy's.
No they're not.
That would make undercover work way too difficult.
Yeah I fully have!!
>delivering to some apartment, like 2 boxes of stuff (about 200 dollars, 12 bottles)
>walking up stairs, trip, fuck up ankle
>limp to door
>complain about how it hurts when she asks me how im going
>"oh no! Thats terrible! Here I'm actually a masseuse (fuck thats difficult to spell), how about I give you a quick massage?"
>this chick is like 8/10, about 23 years old
>"yeah sure, that would really help!"
>starts massaging my ankle
>best massage ever
>talk shit for a bit while she is doing it
>Her boyfriend unlocks front door and walks in
>about 150kg, 6 foot 4 and ripped as fuck
>"What the fuck are you cunts doing"
>"oh honey I'm just giving this boy a massage, he hurt his ankle doing our delivery"
>"What the fuck are you doing that for"
>I make some shitty excuse and like run outside
>he starts yelling at her
>as I'm at the bottom of the stairs I hear the door open again and heavy footsteps start running down the stairs
>I run down, jump in van and drive off
>See him run out front door and start running after me
>speed off

>20 minutes later get text from her, sorry about my boyfriend, he has a really small dick and gets really self concious, if you want more then a massage come back later

>don't go back later, fuck that shit I don't want to get bashed
another fucker who clearly doesn't read the constiution
I never said they weren't friendly, one of them ordered like a week later and I joked around with them, it was more just not being able to do anything impressive as I left
What a bitch and your a dick
Let them have their fun
Would rather have them drunk and watching strippers fuck than sober and blowing people up.
Wait how am I a dick? I just asked how long till they were being kicked out, I caught the lift up with 3 of them and asked if they were going to get kicked out that night, they said hopefully!
This is one of those tension-building devices in undercover cop movies (ie there's a tense scene in the Laurence Fishburne movieDeep Coverwhere he's forced to answer "yes" when asked the "are you a cop" question, then play it off as sarcasm) buteven if asked directly, police officers have no obligation to blow their cover and get shot in the balls.

This makes sense if you think about it, since if that were really the rule there would be no sting operations whatsoever. Even the dumbest crackhead would remember to always ask his new supplier if he is a cop before each purchase.
bump'in out of interest for the strange shit OP happens upon
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i honestly feel bad for you. Have you never seen breaking bad when badger gets arrested?
>girl looks so dejected

she was finally going to get to touch someone instead of her regular mudmonkeys
>Deep Cover
i fucking love that movie
so many golden moments like that in it
ever read a fucking thread be4 you post in it ?
Oh, you mean that documentary.
You mention the constitution, not which section.
Why would i have read it anyway, i'm australian
I think my favourite people are honestly hotel front desk attendants.
They hate all the people that live in the building, and are friendly as fuck with anybody that isnt some shithead that lives there

>doing a delivery to some rich asian guy
>cbd apartment block, like 30th floor or something ridiculous, why you would want to live that high up is beyond me, you could feel the place rocking
>ring bell
>asian chick answers "who is it"
>"its (company name)
>"who dat"
>"we deliver alcohol"
>"oh who dat"
>Fuck this, whatever just go up in lift
>lift wont take me to floor I want, need to be buzzed in from apartment
>back down to ground floor, go to front desk
>"Yeah I need to get to apartment 30_ _ , I've got a delivery"
>"oh we have sent out cleaner up there, apparently he made quite a mess of the carpet"
>me " oh what happened"
>"Well by policy we cant tell you sir. But ignoring the policy he is quite into some messy things"
>"haha oh god, what has he done"
>"he had quite a few men over at his apartment yesterday, Im not sure what happened but we had quite a few complaints about men moaning from the residents around him, and his floor was quite..... Protein-ey"

>"Right I think thats more then enough for me"
>"no perhaps you don't quite get it, we sent someone up there to tell him to keep the noise down, he answered the door and was, how should I put this... Glistening...."

turns out the asian guy was ino being a sissy and getting cummed all over.
Eventually go delivery, 20 dollar tip, I made an offhand comment about how I hope he has enjoyed the past few nights

>lol fuck that, im not a faggot, I dont wear nikes

da fuck you wear then? nikes are dope

>guy was obvious sneakerhead

anyway, cont. w/ stories
let me spell it out for you. I am just fucking with you. There is a scene in a very popular television show where a cop tells a drug dealer that he has to tell him he's a cop if he is asked, because it's in the constitution. This is how he gets arrested.
Keep going op...loving this thread

Was bored as shit till this
>doing delivery to some apartment in rich part of town
>buzz their number, let up
>2 9/10 german girls (they spoke german, I speak a tiny bit too and picked up some words)
>knock on door, deliver and get paid
>As I am leaving they both start pissing themselves laughing, obviously at me, although I dont know what exactly they said
>drop spaghetti everywhere

>do delivery there again
>mention how they laughed last time
>"oh no, we were laughing because alocohol delivery silly, in germany we no have this"
>"yeah sure whatever"
>"oh no, I am sorry, gives me some hug and like forcibly motorboats me into her tits (she was taller then me
>"see now you know us german girls are fun, we life of party"
>tell story back at office, rest of workforce angry because they are asians that can't speak english, and nothing cool happens to them because they dont just go along with shit
True, well its late here and i may be a little drunk.
But yeah i was wondering why the constitution would have something so stupid
this scene ?
alcohol delivery is seriously the best idea ever. If the US started alcohol delivery as well as fast food delivery, I bet DUI conviction rates would drop like a rock
think i should quit school and get a job like this
>one time it was about 10pm, dark and I needed to piss
>walk into this little park thing
>what the fuck, suitcase filled with wigs and mens sized girl clothes
>uhh, whatt
>whatever, need to piss, think fuck it, ill go on there that will be funny
>finish pissing
>here noise behind me
>50 year old super hippy guy
>"what are you doing!!!!"
>"oh, um nothing, just stretching a bit out of the van"
>"I saw what you did son."
>think fuck it, im getting out of here, turn around and job off
>he stays there and looks at the wigs
>starts crying because they are now piss soaked
>starts singing to them, saying that they will be ok and that nobody will ever hurt them again

moral of the story, always piss on wigs in parks
ahhh m8 you got out-troled

RIP your rep

Just say "Lutsch meinen Schnitzerschwanz" and every German girl will be urs until eternity.

obviously meant "Schnitzel"
You're an ass hole.
ah fuck cnat believe you done this
>Suck my dick-Schnitzer

fuckin loled
Way to go Cracked.com
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OP, You sound like you would be a fun friend.
watch out op, he's gay for you!
Pasta /b/rah
>Lutsch meinen Schnitzerschwanz
haha suck my dick schnitzer? Wtf is schnitzer

Anyway I actually used to have a german nanny
>she was like 18 backpacking, I was like 15
>she was actually a nanny for my younger brother
>kinda chubby, still like 6/10, super hot face, blonde and like hair free with great skin
>Idk how it came up but she started trying to tickle me or some shit in my room
>she gets on top of me and starts holding me down trying to tickle me
>big german tits in my face
>pop a boner (teenager at this stage, so like, one every ten seconds)
>She doesnt say anything but just gives me a look
>starts grinding it a bit
>Spaghetti everywhere, don't know how to deal with girls at all
>she starts flirting with me for a bit after
>eventually (like 2 weeks later) I'm having a shower
>she opens door, Im like omg what are you doing get out
>she appologises lots, but says she needs to show me something
>I kind of stand there awkwardly
>she walks into bathroom
>takes off her clothes
>I don't say anything, just stand there with about a million spaghettis falling everywhere, but pop a huge boner
>she gets into shower with me
>starts soaping me up
>rubbing her body against mine
>I eventually stop being such a pussy, start touching her boobs and shit
>start rubbing dick against her pussy
>she turns around and bends over a bit
>I've had sex like 2 times at this stage (not with her)
>start rubbing dick against her pussy
>try and push it in

>push in hard
>Loud swearing in german
>turns out I tried to push it into her unlubed ass
>she storms out
>I rub one out in the shower and cringe for months

we eventually fucked properly, but it was weird for ages after this
30 Male here

>Be 22
>Heroine addict
>Never inject only snort
>Lose wallet, cards, no way to get money
>Feeling withdrawls
>The pain
>suck dealers dick for a bag
>went to a rehab the next day.

Haunts me to this day.
no hes a saint
This is glorious
Lolled at you looking at your eyebrows.

meant dick-schnitzel = "Schnitzelschwanz"
Oh boy, your thread is cheering me up so much
Pics of german baby sitter?
Still keep in contact?
/archive this please!!!
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Posting in epic thread.
it was a trap
lol constitutional rights.
No pig ever has to tell you that they are a cop. only a pig making an arrest is obligated to do so.

>welcome to the real world faggot
> Be not OP
> Be ages ago
> Deliver pizza on motorcycle
> imsocool.tiff
> Most interesting deliveries:
> Actively flirted with one delivery because no girl made a move on me ever, delivered lots.
> Girl calls office to say "thank you". Pussy out and never call her.
> Football player was cheap shit and gave me a condom as a tip.
> One delivery saw a guy in a full body lung, head poking out of 5 foot high 7 foot long stainless steel cylinder with tubes and stuff, was wearing a breathing mask. Just starin' out the window. I waved.
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more spaghetti stories
>be 14
>at 17 year old girls house
>we drink vodka for a bit
>end up leaving her place because her parents where there drinking too and it was weird
>back to mine
>neighbours have a pool
>she starts suggesting we go for a swim
>I complain I don't have any swimmers (true)
>she starts suggesting that I don't need them we can go without
>I dont know what to do, heaps reluctant
>maximum spaghetti
>eventually she heads home

>can't talk to her again
>fuck her younger sister a week later
We need to keep submitting to this site each time there is a update from OP as it archives the page as is when submitted
>2 bottles of whiskey, 3 vodka, 2 white wine, and like 10 bottles of soft drinks and a bag of ice
>390 dollars

jesus what a fucking ripoff. you could've tippped the bellboy 50 bucks to go and pick that up for another 50
Not in Australia, we have alcohol taxes :(
This is in australia, alcohol fucking expensive as fuck it was actually fairly reasonable
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>delivering alchohol
>to muslims
yeah, not likely
hey shit head they have such a booze problem in the uae that they have banned drunks from public transportation.
I have around 40 pairs of shoes at anytime.
They come and go, trades, selling, buying.
Oh, I think one chick was fucking a dog one time
>rock up at girls house
>knock on door
>"Shit, fuck" from inside
>"oh fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, COMING"
>"urghh fuck fuck"
>eventually like 5 minutes later fat girl opens door
>super flustered
>german shepard behind her, runs up to me, i pat it a bit
>jumps up on me
>ultra red rocked, knotting and shit (or whatever you call it, I dunno)
>girl "oh hahah just ignore that, he must have been up to something weird!"
>give her look
>"yep he sure is a weird dog...."
>prepaid order, hand her order and get the fuck out of there
>blacklist her address so I never have to deal with that again
Shes barking mad!

(insert carlos picture here)

My planes been delayed. how bullshit is that?? atleast your thread is still alive and entertaining OP.
Why would she call the police? What about this is illegal?
knotting is correct term
not from the USA, I'm from the UK you filthy colonial peasant. And yeah I think your full of shit and your stories are made up.
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should have asked to watch. could have been interesting to see a dog explode inside that cunt as she cums on it's cock.
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Who gives a shit, it's funny
one time I was nailing a girl as her mum arrive
>80 dollar delivery, like 4 bottles of wine
>top floor
>arrive, complain about stairs
>"oh haha, im sorry! how about you come in for a drink!"
>"yeah sure, sounds good!" go inside
>has a bong sitting there, I'm like, on you smoke?
>"yeah, of course, whats your name?
>"Names Anon"
>sell her a $50 I had on me
>smoke it together
>starts talking about how she is so lonely and that her boyfriend broke up with her
>etc etc etc
>fuck it, go in for a kiss
>she kisses back
>start getting a bit rough
>start fucking her
>knock knock knock on door
>"shit thats my mum"
>fuck I get up, throw all my shit back on and like hide out at the side of the room
>she opens the door a bit and talks to her mum
>eventually lets her in, I try and be all sly off to the side
>she brings her to the kitchen, I sneak out front
>wave at girl as I leave

>eventually text her saying that it was fun but ended too soon
>get text back saying maybe she will have to order again soon
>no order soon : (
Dan Murphy's for sure.
Whats your biggest delivery ever, OP?
nope sorry

>doing a delivery
>20 year old party
>3 guys 3 girls ask me for a lift to the party district
>had a delivery next to it anyway
>say Its fairly out of my way, hopefully It will be worth my while
>girls agree
>2 hot girls in the front, 1 ugly and 3 guys in the back (its a van, seperate compartment, no seats or anything)
>drive for a bit, girls are super drunk and really flirty
>flat out ask if they want to suck my dick
>Ooooh if you want!
>one starts sucking my dick while I drive
>other playing with girls tits
>about to come
>pull over, fill her mouth with cum
>nearly there anyway, finish trip
>get there
>people in back complain about how it was such a bumpy trip
>girls in front say I wonder why and wink

legit alcohol makes girls the sluttiest things ever
Personally, 2500 to the middle of a park, 10 cases, lots of wine and lots of ice
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>, and it literally looked like she had no ass, fucking weirdest shit ever

And seeing all this alcohol come by, whats your favourite drink, OP?
Look all we want to know is where we can deliveries like this, especially as it seems to do late hours.

What state is it?
Could you find it on Google easily enough?

Don't give names.
Keep this up OP
Literally fucking gold at the moment.
You just happened to have 50$ of bud on you?
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>literally fucking gold
You're a special kind of person, aren't you?
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Why didn't you ask for some coke?
That could have been one of the best days at work, OP.
a funny asshole
I'm pretty sure everyone on /b/ knows what the word literally means and purposefully uses it like that to make people like you buttmad.
enjoy your mudpit nigger. here is a rundown of the alcohol do's and don'ts of dubai.

>retarded nigger.
How do you make sure your customers are 18+ / 21+ ?
I cant imagine having a delivery service inmy area, because like every second call would be an underaged kid.

And what do you do if you dont know their age until you are there?
I am sure you are right.
Is it that obvious?
Spiced rum, coke and a bit of lime, best shit out
Australia, not hard from there
Yeah I sell it at the same time as doing deliverys, triples my wage and I don't have to worry about fuel
I thought about it but it just sort of didnt seem right
You can tell most phone orders before they even finish ordering, they are nervous and also you can tell from the voice
We are supposed to check the ID on every order, and if they look young I sometimes do (depends if i give a fuck or not)
Honestly though it seems like kids are dumb as fuck we hardly get any orders from them, despite us being the easiest way for them
I suppose because we are lightly more expensive then a bottlo
Couse this is America son. Officially freedom land, in reality, when you get down on the actual ground, these kinds of things are not accepted, it's muslims, but we dont say thats the reason, it just happens and we all act like nothing
Alright cunts, its like 430 am here and I've been on this thread for 4 hours, I'm going to go to bed!

I might make another thread tomorrow for stories, but i dunno if I can be bothered tbh haha

When you rent a hotel room in Australia you have to sign a no party waver. So you can get kicked out if you do
Police are often called because people dont really want to leave
>I might make another thread tomorrow for stories, but i dunno if I can be bothered tbh haha

Yes, yes you should.
What happened to the anon screencapping?
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Please sir, just one more
G'night OP, what should we call you? Deliverer?
>>543124413 see >>543119612
I dunno but I continued where he left gonna post it once I put it all together
I vote for Delivery Anon
He's the only anon that really delivers.
Fuck fine.
>delivering in rich area of town
>belvedere and some soda waters
>no belvedere in van
>swap for different vodka brand
>explain situation to guy
>middle eastern guy
>say its cheaper this way at least
>"Oh this will not do, this will not do at all"
>"Yeah we are really sorry, but we are out of stock of that"
>he starts freaking the fuck out, swearing and shit
>his friends try and calm him down
>says something about cursing my family and how they will all die
>his friends try and calm him down
>just gets more and more angry
>tries to push me down stairs
>fuck this im leaving, take box with me

>he had already paid, tell office that he threatened me and that I refused service
>keep his money for myself
>doubled my wages for the night
Has your family died yet OP?
Thank you OP, god speed you magnificent bastard
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It starts where the other fag finished
it's been nice. thank you op ^^
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great thread OP
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