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My girlfriend and I just broke up. This was our last conversation.

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My girlfriend and I just broke up. This was our last conversation. Is she right about me? I was just trying to be as courteous with the break up as I could.

I guess I'll give you guys background.

We'd been dating for about a year (pretty much as soon as we both arrived at college). She's always been a bit neurotic, but I REALLY loved her, so I tried to do everything I could to accommodate her. I'd do things like abstaining from sex as someone who has a high libido, staying up comforting her entire nights because she saw a centipede, deleting all of the porn off of my PC (I kept a back-up drive since my internet back home is like some 3rd world shit) because she was worried it could make me less attracted to her, etc. She was never very appreciative of it, in fact one of our last conversations before we broke up included me telling her that part of the problem was that she didn't really make me feel appreciated, and her exact response was "you haven't given me anything to be appreciative of."

But, continuing to accommodate her would have been fine with me, as a short-term solution, as long as she agreed to get psych treatment so that she got better over the long term.

The thing is, over this summer our relationship struggled. A college relationship always struggles over a summer, I guess, but this was real bad. She'd often tell me how I had to change while dismissing any pointers I had for her, or she might get angry at me for reasons I didn't really understand, or she might insult my family and culture then refuse to apologize because "it's just the truth" - you get the idea. Things weren't like that when we were at school, though. When she and I were living together in my dorm room, we just shared our lives together in a way that made us both happier, more productive people.

About two days ago, she was going on about how I'm too polite, how my culture being formal meant that I had no charisma, and how that meant that I would never be able to be the kind of man I want to be. She'd been saying that I needed to be ready for the possibility of her overshadowing me, and that I needed to change. I asked her if there was anything she thought she needed to change, and she said that she didn't need to change at all. I mentioned her difficulty with appreciating other people, and that was when we had the exchange I mentioned earlier. Then she goes on to say that "if you don't like this attitude" then I had to suck it up because "it's here to stay" since she doesn't have anymore "tolerance" in a relationship after the one year mark.

That was the point when I said something which I regret, because I still, even now, don't want her to feel hurt. I said "If I didn't know better I'd say that you were trying to get me to be the one who breaks up."

That led to her saying that we were now on a break.

She still wanted to live in my room with me, but she said that, in title, we were single now.

The next day I had to go across to the next state and back, so I had a lot of time in the car to think.

Over those car rides, I decided that it wouldn't be healthy for us to be living together if we're on a break, that if it's going to be a break then it has to be a real break. The much more difficult decision, though, was deciding that if she did want to get back together and live in my room, then I'd ask her to sign up for counseling first. I cared about her too much to keep seeing her suffer like this.

That night we called, we talked about whether or not we could live together, and at first she agreed what I said. After a few minutes, though, she said that she was physically repulsed by me now that she "knows what's inside". Then she said that she would be living with her roommate, and we both agreed that our relationship was definitely over.

Much later that night, we had the conversation I included in the OP.

I wish I did better.
I read the texts before I read the paragraph, and my initial thought was that you don't really sound really sad or upset about breaking up. You are very polite, and from what it sounds like a bit distant.
Then I read what you wrote. Look, honestly, she did you a favor putting you on "break". This chick seems like way too much to handle, and I can see why you have to talk to her like that. Her taking back the mutual breakup was just to get at you because thru text you don't seem nearly as upset. Not saying that you aren't, people express things in different ways. especially if there is a cultural difference. She refuses to compromise, listen, or even be nice to you. the possibility of overshadowing you? I'm impressed, you kept your cool during that exchange when a lot of others would have been (justifiably) outwardly angry. She insults your culture to your face. loving people don't do that. you have already bent over backward when you really shouldn't have, like deleting your porn. You should not have done that, she has no right to ask you to do that. I'm a girl by the way, if that matters. You honestly sound like a really great guy, and you deserve someone who will respect and love you. This girl may love you, but she sure as shit does not respect you.
let her go.
you did fine. her living with you when she has clear issues that need to be worked out would be a disaster, trust me. been there done that. don't beat yourself up

Knowing that you're a girl does matter b/c I've only been able to talk to my guy friends about it so far.

And yeah, I know that I'm formal as fuck, especially over text, but the sheer goddamn number of eggshells I was walking over when talking to her just made it so much worse.

I am letting her go, like you said, but it's going to be difficult since we're in the same (super small) major at a relatively small college. The gender ratio at my school will probably fuck over my future chances to, since the school's less than 30% women.

I know that I can't dwell on that, though. My plan once I get back to school is to focus on just the things I know I can be in complete control over, like finding ways to enjoy my classes more or trying to make more guy friends since I didn't really get to be out of my dorm room all that much in the last year because she was just so demanding.

Doesn't make it hurt any less, though.
this girl comes across as very annoying from the few texts I've read.
also you seem very rational and level headed, which is the exact opposite to what you've described this girl as. this probably wouldn't make for a good relationship.
tldr be happy it's over

Yeah, but is she right that I was talking down to her? I don't want to be the kind of person who talks down to my loved ones.
Listen, none of us know if you're actually an arrogant dick or not. You've got to decide that on your own.

But if those texts are real, and you're telling the truth, she obviously has some real issues. Like BIG issues that likely make having a real relationship with her impossible. Like, personality disorder level issues. Count your lucky stars you got out.

>if those texts are real, and you're telling the truth

Why the flying fuck would someone lie on /adv/? Shitposting and entertaining greentexts are already welcomed on the other boards but if you lie on here then you're making it harder for OPs who actually do need help.

Fuck, I just don't understand people sometimes.
Anon, she sounds insufferable. She messaged you to ask if you are alright and then proceeded to dump her emotional baggage on you and in that way force you to comfort her. What a childlish, selfish behaviour. Be glad she is gone, really anon.
Holy shit OP, this is so similar to my ex. You said she was in and out of relationships over the last years, how many? Did she blame the guys for the failure? She seems to be victimizing a lot.
My ex had 4 bfs in 2 years, one after another. She lied about that, I found It out later, and would run If that ever happens to me again. This is a huge sign of a fucked up unstable person imo. I don't really care if a girl has slept with 50 guys, but the close relationships you nerd to be aware of.
Also, your gf seems to blame the others for hurting her. Same shit with me, I was her 5 BF and she did nothing wrong in any of the relationships.
Last, GF would also use this technique of saying that I talked down on her, that I was arrogant, while I was just being rational and trying to help the whole time. Bitch manipulated me so much that In actually thought I was abusive and here you are asking a similar question, trying to find out if you're an asshole.
Stay away from her
Man even thinking that shows you have some great self awareness. I don't know you personally but you seem fine, and if not you know what to work on. Good luck in the future.

So what're the chances she was lying if she said that our friends at our school didn't like me for so and such reasons?
Why would someone lie? Because they are seeking validation, not advice. Because they have trouble accepting the truth themselves. Because some people are not psychologically well. Because some people are just shitty and lie a lot.

There are a million reasons why someone would lie on here.
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Bro you should look into Borderline Personality Disorder and the emotional abuse associated with it. I run a support group for people who've been abused by BPD loved ones and her behavior sounds a LOT like that.

Definitely sounds like something I should look into. Can you direct me to the support group?
It's just a small group I run in person but there's a good online community on plebbit /r/bpdlovedones. The way she alternates between idolizing you and criticizing you when she doesn't get the reaction she wants is like textbook BPD, it's apparent over a text message even.
you're not talking down at all, you've just made some negative criticism of her. If she can't handle that, it's her problem and not yours.
I'll try out that sub then
I can see how she thinks you're 'talking down' to her. You made a negative comment about her first(not writing any of your own faults), then you start rationalizing your relationship and seeing it objectively. Meanwhile, she's trying to connect to you on an emotional level and not getting anything. That's why she became so angry. Then she probably realized you've done that before in your relationship and associated to that.

It might not be my problem, but it won't stop me from wishing that someone I care about would be getting the treatment they need.

Okay, this is a legitimately helpful comment - thank you. I'll try more often to mention my own faults if I'm mentioning the faults of someone else.

I'm reading that subreddit now and holy shit you were right this is her to a T.

Part of me now wishes I could find some way of letting her know that the exact type of treatment she'll need is that of BPD, but I know that would be foolish of me.

It doesn't make me stop wishing I could help her, though.
You may not see it now, but you've won the lottery by breaking up with her. She seems like the kind of person that WILL be forever miserable and, in being so, will drag down with her everyone who's close enough.

On the other hand you seem a rational person, maybe even too much. In relationships there is a great deal of emotions, and while being completely succubus to them (like she seems) is undeniably bad, by being excessive rational you'll strike as a cold, calculating partner.

lol I get called too impulsive to my emotions all the time by my family

the thing is that her neurosis put me on more eggshells than Cal-Maine could ever imagine
Don't waste your time. I worked with support groups for family and loved ones of people with BPD for about 6 years. I have dealt with literally dozens of people that have done what you want to do, and in all that time I have not seen a single case work out well.

Also, keep in mind, you are not a professional, and you are not qualified to make a diagnosis. There are a number of similar conditions that can mirror the symptoms of BPD, as well as exist co-morbidly. It's fine to believe what you want about her condition and the reasons behind it, but be careful about sharing that info. It can do more harm than good.

And it's not foolish of you to want to help her. That's what you do for people you care about. There's nothing foolish about that. But I promise you, there is NOTHING you can do to help her. If there is something wrong with her, that's something only she can take care of.

You're 100% right.

Doesn't make it any easier, but you are indeed right.
I'm just referring to what I'm reading in your conversation with your ex. I don't know you or her, for what it matters.
you talk to her like shes a toddler, she got butthurt she didnt break your heart

women thrive on their self importance, you were supposed to be heartbroken, so she could use that adrenaline bump to suck cock asap, now she feels like a stupid whore she is

she doesnt have any disorder though, unless you consider having a vagina a disorder, its just woman, they are stupid, retarded and the only reason we love them is because of their cuteness, softness and wet holes
Fucking wow
these are all signs that she's banging someone else lol
she keeps mentioning and trying to make it clear that it was her idea to break up
she keeps spouting shit like she still loves you yet here we are.
her actions contradict her words.

$100 she found an actual man buddy, seeing as how you are too nice to her
Another $100 hat after she gets emotionally abused (maybe even physically) she will come crying to you and after she's had enough she'll want to get back together.

One of two things can happen
1. you fall for the whole "friends" thing and stay on the hook while she decides a right time to reel you in


2. You move on with your life, grow a pair and find a better woman
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>breaking up on discord
>i'm awful
>you're not awful

top lel m8
should have told yes you are, k thx bye
OP here's my two cents: you are a SAINT for putting up with this psychotic bitch and her wildly out-of-control ego.

In the future, I would recommend you stick up for yourself more - and by that I mean don't put up with this shit
Do you have asperger's, OP?
Yeah I agree that shit's pretty funny. Our actual agreement to end it happened over a face time call, though.

Eh, I believe in killing with kindness, not burning the bridge, unselfish loving, that kind of thing. Even ignoring that, though, it would only give her more room to villainize me if she ends up wanting to give me the same treatment as her other exes.

I did stick up for myself in the beginning of the relationship, but after a while it just sort of dissipated. For example, she'd say that she wanted to have sex with me just as much as I wanted to have sex with her, but that physical difficulties and risk of pregnancy made it impossible. Then when I'd propose solutions to those problems, since they were something holding us back from something that we both - allegedly - wanted, she'd accuse me of trying to pressure her into sex. I'd tell her it was unfair to accuse me of something like that, then she'd refuse to apologize and get upset, making my protective instincts kick in and want to just make her feel better. Then the same cycle would repeat after a while. By the 10 month mark I had just given up.

Don't we all?
>"i just hope you don't do a complete 180 and lash out at me someday"
>does a complete 180 and lashes out at you 15 minutes later
Just let the relationship stay dead, anon. Be polite if you see her on campus, but don't make any attempt to "help" her or be friends, it's not gonna be good for either of you.

She reminds me a lot of my ex. You're lucky to be out of this, she's never gonna bring you anything but stress and confusion, because she will never really care about anyone but herself. That whole text conversation is just "me me me," "don't hate me," "how badly did I hurt you by depriving you of my glorious company?" and on and on and on.
So basically she wants you to praise her because she left you, move on bro you dont need such self centered bitch in your life.
Why do you treat women like men? Treat them like women. Stop being polite. Talk down to her. Belittle her when she deserves it.
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She sounds like a childish jerk, you deserve better than her, OP. You did the best you could and she took it for granted. That whole hostility stance she took at the end of the conversation just proves her inability to be mature in situations that should call for it.

It didn't seem like you were talking down to her at all, you were just blunt from the looks of it and the truth can hurt sometimes. Hopefully you'll find someone better that will appreciate you more. Handled that shit like a pro, good work.
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