I can't find a way to analyse and understand things in life, i'm full of confusion and emptiness and cannot find happiness in the environment that i'm in.
I'm 22 and I'm a student, i'm deeply involved in music and a musician myself (since i was 15).
I don't give a shit about my school yet i get the highest marks because people are fucking stupid, I have a friendly family but they are too stable to do anything out of their fucked up routine like other families around my country, which makes life so fuckin boring for me.
I've been an adrenaline junkie, a sex addict, fuck around with random girls and drink myself to death almost everyday for 3-4 years now.
I cannot enjoy anything because i have a thoughts pattern that i cannot break which kills the joy out of anything; I basically look at myself as a different person and i see what i'm doing from a second perspective, which makes everything i do predictable and it kills the element of surprise which is what i'm seeking in life.
I also find myself arrogant and rude to other people which i cannot control and it puts me in a constant state of regret of everything i do with other people, the reason i started dealing that way is because i got betrayed by many friends and girlfriends and i find it hard to trust anyone anymore, so i started dealing that way as a way of defense, i understand that people are different, but i cannot stop this.
I always seek to intoxicate myself with alcohol and fuck my brains up with weed and other substances mostly because i cannot tolerate sober life around this community, i lost some of my dear friends because i always go beyond my limit and expect them to go with me, but they're always too afraid and find it wrong to do so, I would totally get fucked up with anyone that's willing to.
I've been having suicidal thoughts since i started living this way and i know it's the right way to go for, away from these shitty patterns in life, but not yet.
Help maybe? life advice? thoughts? i dont know.
Sounds like it's time to go to art school
Read some stoic philosophy. I used to be in your position and i'm 23.
Best thing I ever did.
>>18558788 You definitely sound like you have a creative temperament so you do need outlets for that, but don't forget to have some grounding too. Maybe a martial art would discipline you and provide some balance. It might sound outside of your archetype but if you aren't fulfilled inside of it it's one of the best things you can do to step out for what you need. You sound like a higher functioning version of some guys I used to hang around with, dangerously cynical and depressive, very disagreeable (technically speaking), celebrates a life of chaos. Stoics are good, check out Jordan Peterson if you haven't. Man is a wicked intelligent clinical psychologist, he's done a lot to help young men our age nowadays (22 here).
>>18559007
>martial art
Also Zen philosophy
>>18559027
can backfire when presented to someone who really enjoys an intense lifestyle. They'll trash the philosophy just because it isn't for them. Not that there's anything wrong with Zen, but personally I've seen people like this take more interest in western philosophy which hasn't been monetized as peace & love. A martial art often comes with a philosophy, some say it is the philosophy, so it is important to choose the right one in that sense. Or just start shooting guns.
I wish I had a better way to say this but (you seem like a guy) starting doing something genuinely masculine and constructive with your time, especially any type of exercise, is (not probably) one of the most practical things you can do to improve your life. This concept often doesn't translate easily to artistic types because they're less attuned to pragmatism and order. You probably think I'm an idiot so I'll shut up now.
>>18559075
Not him, but you might want to loosen up your expectations for what artistic types are open to. A lot of my colleagues make art based on order and necessity. We're not all dancing pixies you know
>>18558904
This. Then move on from the stoically inclined and read OTHER philosophy. The stoics are good introductory stuff. Try Seneca's letters to Lucilius.