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How do I get my asexuality to stop gnawing on my self-esteem?

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How do I get my asexuality to stop gnawing on my self-esteem?

I can't and never have been able to enjoy sex. I do want closure and affection but I've been told so many times by numerous different people that I'm cold, cruel and selfish for demanding love without giving anything back. That I'd be a bad girlfriend.

I could put out if I absolutely must, but apparently that's not enough, men want a woman who's wet and willing and enjoys it as much as he does, and that I can never do.

How do I get myself to feel less thoroughly unlovable when being loved is not an option?
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Please? Anyone?
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>>18550321
Realize that asexual men exist, or get into open relationships with men.
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Do the things that make you smile. I rarely smile but when I do I feel this good side of me. Maybe if you do something that makes you geniunely (don't know how to spell it) happy, you can be able to reflect that on other people.
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>>18550321
I'm convinced by your post that your sexuality is what it is because of the severe insecurities you have.

You can't open up to anyone because you don't think you deserve it which then makes you think no one likes you and you shouldn't like them and it cycles.

You need to find yourself and start to accept it and love it. Then you can feel passion for someone else.

Love yourself so you can love another
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>>18550442
Where do I find one?

>>18550443
You spelled it right, but how does that help?
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>>18550460
I already have found myself. That hasn't helped.
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>>18550568
Dating websites (not Tinder). Meeting new people until you find one.
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>>18550733
OkCupid is completely dry.
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>>18550793
Try other websites then, there's more than just OKCupid.
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>>18550650
Okay, are you accepting and loving it?
He has sort of listed two steps, you know.
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>>18550812
There's nothing to love.
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>>18550819
Yea sure keep telling yourself, good idea!
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>>18550823
Then what?

What good is there to someone who can't even get fucked without crying?
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>>18550832
Have you considered being nicer to yourself?
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>>18550832
This can't seriously be everything it came down to, back then when you found yourself.

I mean it sounds a little cynical and I don't completely believe in finding oneself, but I just don't buy your claims. Looking at this thread, you're just producing these know-it-all responses to any sort of advice you get. Seriously you can't honestly say you came to fully know yourself and then in the same breath ask such a half hearted question about measuring your own worth just by how much you enjoy sex.

It's a little ironic to say that on a athenian metaphysics debate board, but stop trying to get answers via this "rational" path. You're going to come up with a witty reaction anyways.
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>>18550878
Then what do you want me to say?
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>>18550321
Nobody deserves love. It is hard earned. If you cant even solve your sex issues (or at least spread your legs and be starfish), why do you think you are entitled to love?

Who molested you as kid? Masturbation? Anything turning you on? Or are you that type of girl who were told by mom that her pussy is sin and to never touch it? Psycholog?

What is the cause of your sex problem? Why dont you want to feel good like normal people when sharing intimacy and bodies with each other?

>fucking pic related is like fucking corpse, absolutely bad
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>>18550925
Something along the lines of:
>thanks, I really appreciate it! I'll think about it and try it when I can

Really, your goal is not to scientifically disprove your personality - or prove whatever might be wrong with society, as the reverse approach - but rather come to terms with yourself. You definitely can.
This probably isn't the first time you talked to anybody about it, I'd really be interested how many times you actually did those seemingly small things always being suggested?
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>>18550945
I said that I COULD put out, but most men don't like it when you do that and just hold back tears and wait for it to be over.

And I don't know what my problem is. My mom has never been negative about that kind of thing, hell she'd encourage me to it if I had any inclination.

And I don't know why it doesn't feel good. It just doesn't.

>>18550946
I don't know, most often I'm suggested to kill myself.
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>>18551057
>I don't know, most often I'm suggested to kill myself.
Yeah haha how funny, see you're bullshitting your way out of it again with your smart answers.
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>>18550321
I had a girlfriend like this. She wanted to be completely hers because didn't want to have sex, cuddle, or be romantically interested me. Yet she wanted me to be emotionally attached to her and be her emotional tampon as well as her personal wallet and social bragging tool.

Being asexual is okay, being asexual and aromantic is a joke. At that point you're looking for a friend or beta orbiter.
It depends on what your expectations are but don't expect the definition of a masculine loving man when you can't be a loving women emotionally or physically.

Tldr; relationships are a too way street.
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>>18550321
I actually dated a woman who had issues similar to yours, though they were less strong
I have 2 questions - do you have literally no sex drive, aka not even masturbating by yourself, and do you have any skills or passions that you're proud of.
>>18550819
Every person in this world has a potential to be loved, but before you can get that love, you gotta give some of that love first. This is how people develop relationships - you give love to others, without ever thinking that it makes you entitled for the same amount of love from them, and sooner or later you'll find it.
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>>18550321

Seen a doctor yet? It probably won't solve your problem, but there's a chance the root of your asexuality is entirely hormonal and fixable by changing/removing/enhancing whatever birth control regimen (or lack of) you're on, and that literally everything else you try will be useless without this.

Doctors are mostly really good at this stuff, too, since they see it literally all the time. Not many couples are able to remain closely matched enough in their sex drives throughout an entire relationship that it never causes problems, you're far from alone.

As for
>I could put out if I absolutely must, but apparently that's not enough, men want a woman who's wet and willing and enjoys it as much as he does, and that I can never do.
Consider yourself lucky you've only come across these men, the ones who are actually willing to fuck a dry hole attached to an uncomfortable bored person are awful.
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>>18550321
>asexuality

Fuck off. That's an illness not an orientation.
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>>18551072
Okay it's easy to tell someone to love themselves but nobody can say what that actually MEANS.

>>18551078
Who said I'm unable to love? I have plenty of love, being penetrated just does not come into it. I can suffer through it for love, but most men don't like the idea that they're hurting someone with their dicks.

>>18551084
I've been trying to learn how to masturbate for well over 10 years now, but it just does not feel good.

And I'm not sure where you got the picture that I'd be demanding anything out of anyone, I understand relationships aren't like that that someone always owes something to someone.

You don't help a friend because a friend helped you, you help a friend because a friend needs help.
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>>18551106
is it though?

>20y/o Male asexual
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>>18551103
They didn't find anything unusual on a routine gyno check-up. When I had blood tests taken I had unusually high testosterone levels but other than that nothing weird.
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>>18551057
>hold back tears
Ok, now you got me. So you never had sex? Or had some? What are your experiences? Are you scared virgin? And there is absolutely nothing that can make you "horny"? Vaginismus? How old are you?

What are you not telling us?

You see, you are asking wrong question. Instead of
>how to find boy with zero libido
(We call them eunuchs, people after bilateral orchiectomy for example https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orchiectomy ) you should ask question about
>why i hate sex so much?

Maybe you just need some patoent bf who will vwry slowly in matter of weeks go from handholding through heavy cuddling to actual sex activities you find yourself enjoying with time.

What is your sexual history?
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>>18551125
I'm 23, got fucked blackout drunk a lot between 18 and 19, found a boyfriend willing to get me drunk enough to go through with it, broke up with him, I can no longer stomach getting that drunk and especially endanger myself around strangers, so I haven't had sex for three years and couldn't imagine doing it sober.
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>>18551130
And before being 18 you always just knew that you don't enjoy it?
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>>18551130
So you had sex in the first place because somebody persuaded you to do so, not because you actually wanted to do that in the first place. You then made yourself believe that it is SO BAD experience that only way how to go through is to get drunken and suffer through it in the same way as going to dentist.

You probably feel as rape victims. No wonder you are so fucked up in this regard. Tell me, how did you get this idea that sex is horrible thing you do only to solely please your bf?

And did you never ever tried to masturbate? Like watching some softcore porn featuring qtie boys or maybe some lesbian petting does absolutely nothing for you?

You have some mental block in your head. Your best bet is probably psycholog or very patient bf. Because sex feels good. You dont even have to be penetrated (which is for some girls painful or just uncomfortable depending on their partner size). But there are still other options alnost all girls enjoy like cuddling, fingering, licking, petting and the most degenerate: handholding in public.

Really, bf who wants to have sex with you doesnt mean he wants to hurt you. He wants you to feel as good as him. It is supposted to be mutual fun which bonds you as pair like nothing else.

But you have to actually want to solve this problem of yours first.
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>>18551110
Well, you said in your op post that a lot of people got that kind of an impression on you, doesn't necessarily mean that's how you actually behave like, yes. You do sound like a reasonable, emoutional human being, so never forget - we humans are not entitled to anything, and the least thing we're not entitled to is a LACK of love. As long as you care for your fellow (we)men, the fellow (we)men will care back.
What about the second question? Do you have any passions or skills that you're proud of, or want to pursue despite all odds?
I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with such a harsh problem. I'm afraid my level of expertise is not high enough to give you any concrete instructions, but as a friendly human being I can say that you're not alone in this struggle, and that there are many woman with a lowered sex drive level, and as far as I know the casses of complete asexuality are very rare - sometimes it is just REALLY hard to find the right buttons. The ex I mentioned said that she had something like 10 orgasms with partnersduring her sex life, that was something like 6 years at that point, and I think that during our somewhat brief time together I think I raised the count quite significantly, getting one at least every second time with been intimate together.
Now, you're not her, I don't really know the nature of the problem, be it biological or psychological, but one thing I can advise - never give up on your goal. Some people, like me, are very sex oriented. I can hardly picture myself marrying a woman with a low sex drive, but guess what! There's a shitton of men who don't really care much. I see toons of threads of men whining that they can't get a platonic relationship, the problem is that they get shunned for it, since it's not supposed to be the "normal" male behavior, so in the end they also pretend to be the macho men who brag about their sexual victories. Again, not all man are like that.
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>>18551145
I didn't know. I was 19 when I learned it's not supposed to hurt.

>>18551147
Sex has only ever been a means to an end to me. Unpleasant means.

I've tried to learn to masturbate for god knows how long but it never feels good. I don't know why.

>>18551173
I don't know. I've never had an orgasm in my life.

And I draw a lot and I'm writing a book, though I don't know what that has to do with this.
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>>18551248
My last advice for you is to buy magic wand and give it a try. Close your eyes, lie down, think of nothing and buzz until it either starts to hurt or you doze off.
>nature is cruel, but since girls dont need to reach orgasm or even feel horny to procreate, it is entirelly possible for you to be born "broken"
Try ask your mom about it. Tell her how you feel about sex and what did she do in her young age to attract your dad.

I hope i will never marry somebody like you only to find myself in dead bedroom marriage. That would be sad.

Good luck with your life femanon! And yes, asexual boys exists, even here on /adv were few of them, asking about asexual girls and how to find them. Thing is, they are as rare as you.
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>>18551121

My ex had sometimes-too-high T and sometimes vanishingly low T. Try going on a pill-based birth control, or if you're already on one, try switching to one that uses a different mechanism of action. All the mindset/lifestyle type advice is probably the "better" advice to be honest, but this stuff is worth trying.

>>18551130

Oh. Out of interest what aspects of sex don't you like? My advice is identical to the anon who said:
>You dont even have to be penetrated (which is for some girls painful or just uncomfortable depending on their partner size). But there are still other options alnost all girls enjoy like cuddling, fingering, licking, petting and the most degenerate: handholding in public.

I've been with a girl for whom penetration did absolutely nothing physically, and only enjoyed it psychologically once she was already turned on from 30+ minutes of foreplay. Find a guy who's patient and/or actually likes the sound of that.

Don't feel pressured to have an orgasm, again I've dated girls with whom I had a great sex life but very rarely orgasmed, but felt comfortable enough with me they didn't feel the need to fake it.

Keep trying with the masturbation, unless you really dislike it and it makes you feel like shit. If you can figure out how to do it yourself, you'll have a much easier time showing someone else how to do it.

Is this a problem you want to fix because it ruins your ability to have relationships, or because you'd genuinely like to experience it? i.e. do you want to like chocolate so you can enjoy chocolate with others, or do you want to like chocolate because you just want to develop a taste and generally enjoy chocolate?
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>>18551248
I think it's kinda obvious - people don't love other people because they are excellent at fucking - they fall in love with them because they inspire, because they are beautiful, inside or outside, because they make them question their life dogmas and change their lives for the better, because they make them feel safe and secure, because they make them laugh, etc
And great people, people who stand out, who push into the life more than they have reasonable resources for, these people have a much easier time finding love as well.
That's why I asked you about you passions -
the funny thing is, in order to find love you don't need to be good at finding love, you gotta be good at life itself.
Perhaps this task is more worthy of devoting your worries too.
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>>18551304

No, I'm pretty sure her issue is that she finds boyfriends and once they start having sex (or trying to) the relationship slowly crumbles because that's nearly always what happens when one partner wants to have sex and one doesn't

I don't think general dating advice is relevant here
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>>18551264
I'm not on any birth control, and it's both the idea of being used in that way and having something pushed into me. I'm sure if someone shoved, say, a broomstick up there without getting off on it in any way, it'd still feel bad to me.

I want to enjoy it for a partner's sake.
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>>18551304
I guess you're right. I just don't think I can inspire much.

>>18551322
I've only dated once and that relationship didn't crumble because of sex (he only needed sex once or twice per month and was always willing to get me drunk first), but because of his deeply unhealthy paranoia about my supposed infidelity.

Somehow it made perfect sense to him that I, with my hatred of sex, would be absolutely thrilled to jump on the cock of any male teacher, employer, classmate or friends' boyfriends.

Strange that he didn't include male blood relatives in that. Surely a turboslut like me would be fucking my own cousins as well.

Damn, sorry for the rant, this was all completely irrelevant.
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>>18551430
poor fellow probably just though that you were not interested in sex much because you've been getting all the action on the side. People can be pretty retarded, I know.
About inspiration- everyone starts out like that. I've spent many, many years of my life thinking that I was rather insignificant in the social department, before suddenly realizing one day that all the years of quiet study and learning and exploration apparently made me into an extremely interesting person to be around.
This is why I keep stressing that you may find better success in pursuing your other passions - because one doesn't learn how to inspire, one learns how to be an excellent person, and everything else comes eventually.
Good luck to you brah, we're all gonna make it
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>>18551417

I see. You might actually find that birth control can help. My ex had undetectably low T while she was on the nuva ring (which iirc usually has an incredibly weak effect and might as well be equivalent to not using any BC for purposes of mood/arousal), switched to this new pill that started getting popular a few years ago and turned into a fuck machine

However, it's interesting that what you don't like is the idea of being used/penetrated. You'd be surprised how many guys will be 100% fine with you openly saying that you can't handle penetration atm and just want to do handjobs, blowjobs, cunnilingus, 69ing etc. I mean, imagine this scenario: a guy you like is caressing your body, sucking your nipples, chewing on your ear/neck etc, then you reach down and start jacking him off, lick it a bit, maybe he fingers your clit a bit if you want him to, then he cums, the two of you spoon and fall asleep. Is that something you could handle? Because that's often how people have sex. Very few people just fuck in the missionary position every time with no foreplay

>>18551430

I can offer a bit of insight into his insecurity. When my ex had no sex drive was basically the only time I've ever felt paranoid/uncomfortable/worried about infidelity, partly because maybe my monkey brain connected "she's not fucking you" with "she must be getting it elsewhere", but also because the stakes are way higher. If I'm getting loads of sex from someone and they go fuck someone else on top it's bad, but if someone's refusing to have sex with me and they go fuck someone else I might as well go jump off a building or rip my own cock off and live as a monk or something
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Find another asexual or agree for an open relationship. I can absolutely guarantee you that a normal healthy non-asexual man will EVER stay in a relationship with an asexual girl. Sex is one of the most important components of a relationship. It strengthens the bond you have with your partner, in normal case pleasurable for both parties, it escalates the feeling of love and intimacy and trust with your partner... No way a normal guy will give this up, no matter how inspiring and fun the potential gf is.

If you don't suceeed in finding someone, realise that not every single person will find their second half, accept that and with time and will you will learn how to be relatively happy on your own.
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>>18551456
Thank you. Guess I'll be working more on my art then.

>>18551461
I'm very paranoid about artificial hormones. I don't want any extra estrogen in my body.

I hate touching an erect penis and I can't stand having my breasts touched. Or my groin for that matter. At least penetration is impersional, it's fulfilling a need instead of just hurting me for fun.

Well, my ex's all other exes had apparently cheated on him left and right so that was his logic.

Also - this part he didn't say out loud - his mother had been like that too, and anyone who's seen my ex and his dad side by side could agree that that man was a saint to raise him as his own son.

>>18551468
I know normal people can't live without sex, but if he's getting it elsewhere, why would he be with me?

How do you learn to be happy on your own?
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>>18551486
>if he's getting it elsewhere, why would he be with me?
You would probably double as his mother or sister figure, maybe a friend who will cover his emotional needs and provide home cooked dinners and neutral company. In all fairness I doubt any hetero guy would really go for that.

>How do you learn to be happy on your own?
Out of necessity you discover this on your own. There's no one universal recipe, but it's doable. I'm sure there are other things in life you enjoy aside from having a bf. Explore these things, make peace with your condition and instead of growing bitter and salty over things you can't have, love and appreciate things you do have.

Were you molested as a child or sexually abused at some point of your life? It's almost uncanny for a person who hasn't to be so repulsed by sex.
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>>18551486

Ok. Is there anything at all you like that involves intimacy? Hugging? Spooning? Ear licking, neck biting? Aggressive kissing? Spitting in his mouth? Back massages? Leg massages that turn into ass massages that turn into hardcore anal penetration with a 12" black dildo?

If any of those sound enjoyable start with those to become comfortable.

If none of those sound enjoyable you just need to see a therapist, which isn't at all unusual. Depending on where you live it's not very expensive either. Bonus points if you can land a guy patient enough to come to the therapy sessions with you, if you're adult enough to be able to handle that social situation.
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>>18551520
I accidentally saw a porn flick when I was less than five, does that count?

>>18551525
I am a huge sucker for intimacy. Hugging, spooning, playing with someone's hair (I make amazing braids), massages. Kisses with tongue is too close, I don't like bodyparts going inside bodyparts.
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>>18551541

Cool. Do those things and try graduating to nibbling on ears and sucking necks and stuff. Just keep in mind he's gonna get a frustrating raging boner from all this and you'll need to work out a system that either involves him jacking off, or you getting him off somehow if you're comfortable with that. How would you feel about him jacking off while you were in the room with him, or holding him/kissing? I mean, my core principles behind sex are probably "it's fun to have orgasms" and "it's fun to make people have orgasms". If someone's pussy is hairy and/or smells bad and/or looks bad that's not really an issue as long as I want to make them have an orgasm, I'll lick it anyway
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>>18551582
As long as I don't have to touch the penis.
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>>18551588
Man, you are really broken
I already feel sorry for your poor future bf. Just accept relationships are not for you lol
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>>18551588
Why do you mind though? Touching it clearly doesn't hurt you like you always said in this thread.
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>>18551595
Have you ever stepped into something wet and soggy while wearing socks?

it's the same feeling but ten times as bad.
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>>18551607
>>18551588

That sucks but it's a start. Try something like that massage/brothel scene from the intouchables.

You could always ram a vibrator up his ass while he's jacking himself off, or put one of those remote controlled ones up there and control it with the remote, that doesn't involve touching his dick
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>>18551615
I'm still squeamish about it.
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I cant believe you are still here.

Do you realize how strange do you sound? You like kissing, but no tongue action. You clearly like skin contact (hugging and cuddling), but god protect you touching his penis (and they arent even wet until the very end, it is like touching his pulsating leg). And the sole fact you dislike being touched down or on your boobs just shows your mental block.

Who raped you?

And why do you want huge walking and talking teddy bear? Because real boy comes with other functions than being cute and avaiable for cuddlibg whenever you want to.
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>>18551640
I've never been fucked without permission.
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What about touching the pants where a penis would be and getting him off that way?
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>I cant believe you are still here
my reaction too
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>>18551657
Dude, find me a guy who would want his sex life be this shit. I'm serious, find me a dude who'll be satisfied with this shit. Handie with pants on? Lmao

Op is obstinate af and just wont accept that relationships without normal sex where gf isn't grossed out by her bf's penis don't exist.

Op, just get one of these Japanese pillows to cuddle
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>>18551657
Through fabric? I think I could do that.

>>18551669
I can endure a penis if I absolutely have to.
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>>18551677
>I can endure a penis if I absolutely have to.
Op no guy, literally no guy ever will want to be a gf who doesn't enjoy sexy times and touching his dick is horrible and requires utter sacrifice on his part

and no, handjobs through trousers just won't cut it

Just find another asexual man
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>>18551686
be with a gf* sorry bout that
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>>18551686
It's an unicorn hunt but I guess I'll have to.

>>18551688
Yeah I figured.
>>
There's asexual dating services. I'd check one of those out.
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