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I spent seven years in a relationship with somebody, was engaged

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I spent seven years in a relationship with somebody, was engaged to be married, owned a house, the whole shebang. I decided I didn't want to be in the relationship and we split up. We were never a good match and it was ridiculously obvious even from the very beginning. I just got carried away.

I feel intense guilt, even 18 months later. In all honesty, I didn't handle things very well and really hurt them. We're both in our early thirties, so the fact we spent seven years together means that we're both having to start again at a rather late age.

I don't know whether they've moved on as we don't have any contact other than official business. The last I heard, they had a new partner but that was a while ago and I don't know if it's still going on.

Will the guilt of taking up so much of this persons time ever leave me? I feel like it's severely limiting my ability to be happy.
Dunno. I've always been able to call it pretty quickly, and didn't like to waste time. I've been with my wife for 6 years. Every other relationship I've had never progressed past a handful of dates.

Dunno why you pulled what you pulled. I mean, it's not like you were miserable for those 7 years. You obviously didn't loathe one another. I imagine trust issues would have cropped up long before then if they were there.

You essentially wasted 10 percent of your life with that person. Why waste so much?

To put it simply, we met in our early twenties and at the time, I felt immense pressure to meet somebody and settle down. This person was very different to anybody I had dated before and I got caught up in the lifestyle and experiences.

Eventually, they proposed buying a house which we did. After this, they proposed and then I remember rushing the wedding because I was terrified I would change my mind. It was just the easier option and we didn't have any considerable issues, as you said, so I just stayed in it.

It's ridiculous looking back on it all, and probably part of the reason why I'm so ashamed. I knew it wasn't a good relationship and I knew we weren't well matched. There were several points where I should have recognised this and acted on it, but I didn't.

Although there were no issues so to speak, the last few years of our relationship were terrible. No sex, no enjoyment, just disagreements.
Whelp, I hope you can find peace. Unfortunately for you, I'm not qualified to give it. That said, if neither party was happy, I imagine the other feels relief.
I'm sure that they had a nice time while they were with you before things got sour and that is what matters.

Think about it this way too; if you two never broke up or even got together they would of never found their current partner because of timing. In a way you helped your ex find the person who loves them now and your ex is probably very happy in their new relationship.

Don't feel so bad, it's not like you strung them along all the way to marriage, left them with kids, and then bailed. You ended it when you should have and now they have the chance to be with someone who fits right and you do too.

Thank you for your reassurance.

It's true. In fact one of the things which helped me make my decision was the idea of bringing a child into the relationship. I couldn't imagine spending 18 years raising a child with them.

We had a happy life together, experienced a lot. I just feel like how things ended may have ruined all that for them.
No clue why you are so vague on even the gender of your partner. Why is always "They," and "them," instead of "he/she" and "him/her?"

I didn't feel gender was relevant, and it's well documented that the majority of 4channers have a negative opinion of women. If you need to know, I am female and my ex-partner was male.
Didn't really need to know. Just found it odd. At any rate, my advice more or less remains the same.

I will say this, though (and it isn't against you, specifically): the older women get, the tougher time they have finding someone worth settling down with. Plenty of exceptions to that rule, of course. Just talking about statistics.

I completely agree, and this was something I was well aware of when we split up.

Fortunately, I have also met a person who I genuinely would like to spend the rest of my life with. However, even if this relationship failed and I wasn't able to meet somebody who I wanted to be in a relationship with, I would rather be single than in another unfulfilling relationship.
It will leave if you let it.

You did a very shitty thing.

Find solace in the fact a lot of people do this. Practically no former relationship ended well. Someone is always the assweed.

Also as you said you got carried away. Love makes people retarded (actual science fact man, theres a lot of chemicals poolin around in that brain of yours to encourage you to stick with someone. Relationships are literal chemical addiction.)

I think youll always remember you were an asshat to her. I also think youll always remember all the times you were less than respectable as a person. Just like the rest of us.

But youre only really truly a shitty person if you dont have regrets, and especially if you dont learn from them and be better next time.
It sounds like you are set then. It also sounds like your ex is happy too. Do not feel guilt for the happiness you feel in your life.

I think it would of been worse if you stuck around your ex while not loving them, in a sense you set them free.
It sounds like you're feeling guilt because perhaps you didn't apologize for being a shitty person. You now realize what you've done and have unfinished business as a result.
Whether or not you send it, you may want to carefully and sincerely write an apology letter to your ex. Not for things not working out, but acknowledging everything and apologizing for your poor choices that led up to this breakup. Show remorse, explain what you've learned and wish them well.
You may want to send it. But even if you choose not to, you will have verbalized your thoughts and it should help you move on.
It was pretty obvious since the op, this anon just asked to see how would you respond to it.

Thank you.

I think if I felt that my current relationship was no longer benefiting the both of us, I would choose to leave rather than remain in it. I have learnt that a loveless relationship is pointless, as it breeds resentment and you end up feeling more lonely than if you were single.


This is also true. I did apologise at the time, as we had a huge argument where everything came to light. This went on for a while, as I wasn't sure what to do and what I wanted. In all honesty, I was ridiculously flakey over the last few weeks, disappearing and wanting to be alone, then deciding that maybe things could work out - it was a huge dick move.

I kind of ran away from the entire situation as well. It was very quick, very ruthless and what I felt I had to do at the time. I didn't even tell my friends that it had happened until several months later. I feel there is a lot of unfinished business, and I think writing a letter would be very beneficial, even if I choose not to send it.
Hey OP, don't be so hard on yourself. You've done the right, but hard, thing.

My parents were together for 18 years - half of that out of habit/feeling nessesity. I was an accident and was the catalyst. They had a massively messy divorce when I was 22 months old, more than 20 years ago and it's still a mess. There's still guilt and hard feelings. So I think it's sort of similar, but really, from my perspective you've done the best you could do. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Thank you. I don't believe I did things in the right way though - I consciously made an effort to separate myself from this person months before I actually ended the relationship. It was to protect myself and my feelings and make moving on easier for me. Very selfish, in the grand scheme of things.
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