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>speech delayed in elementary school, sometimes people STILL

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>speech delayed in elementary school, sometimes people STILL misunderstand me; autist
>no one has ever called me ugly but I'm pretty sure I'm incredibly ugly--I'm tall and have a face people call "leader-like", which is horrible for a girl
>in three years of college haven't made any friends
>am stuck with meeting lovely people I want to be friends with, but can't be, has been like this for 6~ years (middle school I had a lot of friends)
>took intro to acting class "hey maybe it'll help me express myself!!"
>class is 90% performance rather than teaching--professor just says "nicely done!! How do you feel?" to our performances
>made people laugh with my jokes in the first improv scene, then later on we were forced to invent a physical wordless scene (a girl even said she was looking forward to mine) and I f'ed up, everyone looked so weirded and creeped out
>finally breakdown after a year of not crying

>have single friend from my childhood, consider her my best friend and we talk about everything together, we tease and banter one another 24/7
>they way she describes me is faaar different than what others see
>with everyone else I just get confused
>notice someone has my interests or is cool and I resign myself to pain. I'd be a bother if I tried talking to them
>same when girls try talking to me; I'm terrified

>severe self-image issues; hearing "maybe I'll just be like anon today and not give a fuck what people think about how I look" from my dormmate fucked me up...most of my depression for these last ten years has related to my looks
>heard these words three months back when I thought I was getting better due to improving my fashion, skincare, weight (was 190 since 5th grade, now I've lost 40 pounds in 5 months)
>anything good I've heard about my appearance - "beautiful", etc. - I assume is a lie, same when guys seem to show interest and approach me or look at my body for a long time

What is there that I can do besides suicide?
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Shameless bump
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Combo attack
>>18518069 (1/2)
Oh wow. That's a lot. I'm a guy, had nowhere near your amount of problems but at some point I was also very conscious about my body and without many friends. I was being a full on white knight back then. Until at one point I decided to basically stop caring. Be cold and cynical, not chase people but be chased by them. It was still ill-reasoned fantasy, but it made me basically roleplay someone more confident. I was sometimes a jerk, I am not proud of that time in my life. But it got me capable of sometimes just coming up to people and talking. Whenever I'm afraid of fucking things up I take a mental step back and think about what's the worst that could happen. And I don't mean embarrassment. I mean real, physical consequences. Will someone get hurt? Will this destroy my future chances at something? Will this fuck me up? If not - then it's the perfect opportunity to challenge myself and go for it. And from then on things usually go smoothly. Just be polite, show interest in other people and don't downplay yourself. I know how it feels to feel like a bother, but believe me, most of the time it's just you who thing that.

As to body consciousness - I started coping with it when I somehow got in a relationship. When someone really important to you tells you that you're beautiful it really works. But I'm alone now so I just try to not think about it. If it helps I can tell you that if someone falls for you your body will most likely seem awesome to them anyway. This, and things depend heavily on how you play this. Some nice clothes instead of an old tshirt can make all the difference between looking arousingly curvy and looking overweight, for example.
>>18518069 (2/2)

I don't know how much of this you'll find helpful or applicable. I'm not going to suggest that you figure your alone life first, as I should by all means be happy with mine but the last thing I lack is actually partnership. Just remember that suicide is not an option - its an antioption, final end of all chances at things getting better. There's always something you can try instead. I wish you the best of luck. If you want to talk some more I'm ready to listen :)
>hearing "maybe I'll just be like anon today and not give a fuck what people think about how I look" from my dormmate fucked me up
What came to your mind about yourself when the dormmate said this? What came to your mind about the dormmate? It was a shit thing for her to say, but it may have provided a moment for reflection.
I thought nothing of her at that time...and nothing but myself. At that time I...basically took it as meaning that I must look like a troll. Didn't really think anything particularly meaningful aside from believing that the improvements I made were for naught. If this is introspection then I don't think I want any more.

Even with the things I knew and know about her...
>describes herself as a "bitch"
>does have a very big personality though, is funny and sociable, loves being nice to people she hates, shit talks behind people a lot, guys love her
>parties 5 days a week, fails classes, hates on the dormmate I love, etc.
>watches reality TV like Kardashians and other similar vapid reality shows all the time, nothing else
>called me creepy before (which fed into my complex like nothing else)
I still took her opinion as having high value.
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Interesting advice. Some things seem to have the capacity of fuck me up--what hurts me in the past has only made me weaker, honestly. But I can try roleplaying, maybe as someone I look up to, or ask "what would ____ do?" Not sure if this is good for my individuality but it's a start.

Though I don't have much to say now, I'll keep you in mind in case I think of something.
It is very likely that her perspective of other people is skewed in a foul way. This doesn't make her opinions any easier to hear, but I feel that her bias towards being nasty takes some of the realisticness out of the things she said. "Realistic" being the key, in that what the dormmate said about you is probably just something in her own head. What she projects onto other people is probably related to shortcomings she sees in herself, perhaps that the ONLY thing she thinks she has going for her is her looks and sociability.

Your response to my question was quite complete, and you seem to ready to analyze a given situation! You acknowledge that you didn't gain any particular new understanding of yourself from the comment, but rather that it generally banged up your self-esteem regarding your appearance. Is there something about you or something you do that IS nurturing to your self-esteem?
Regarding being a bother, it is not always easy to know how to approach an unfamiliar person, but if they share your interests chances are good they are prepared to talk about them, whether they want to or not. If the reception is lukewarm, that's OK too. Sometimes, people with the same interests don't hit it off beyond mutually acknowledging that they both like a thing. If the thought that makes you think you would be a bother is that the other person would rather not interact with anyone, that is often not the case. Chances are good that you will make an acquaintance from the common interest!
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