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Lost

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I posted here about a month ago about my girlfriend. The love of my life from when I was a teenager came back after 17 years. We had been together for 5 years and lived together and going to marry, but she wanted a baby that moment and I wanted to wait until I finished college so some guy she literally knew for about a week married her and she left me, presumably forever, until she returned again last month.

Long story short, she's married with 6 little kids, terribly sick and weak. Recovering drug addict, no money, behind on all utilities and everything. I opened my house, my vehicles, my bank account to her. She is missing her front teeth and needs almost $6,000 in dental work done and I was lining all that up for her. We were decorating "our" house and she has her stuff in my closet and bathroom and all over our house. I thought we were building a future and she would leave her husband and bring the kids and we could be a real and happy family. I wanted to be the man she needed.

Well, things came to a head, and the stress got to her and she pushed me away. I thought someone here might remember me from a little over a month ago about my long thread about her.

Anyway, Why would she do this? Why after everything did she push me away to live with her abusive husband and damaged home life when I offered her the world and her health? She's terribly sick, losing her teeth, her hair, her strength, her mental clarity, even. She doesn't even smile anymore because she's so ashamed of her teeth, and I was lining everything up always assuring her that since we're together it's "our money" and she shouldn't feel bad about letting me help her, because it's "us" now.

Well, she blew up yesterday that I'm not even her friend and she's not even mine and I'm just a deranged sad lonely man and that she'll never be mine. I responded to all her hate and stress and anger with nothing but support and reassurance which only made her even more upset.

Why? What have I done wrong?
>>
>Why? What have I done wrong?
Well, yoou replied

I know being in love can be really, really hard. But the woman that left you for just the reason of having some kids returned to you ONLY AFTER she's destroyed physically, economically and mentally destroyed. You should had turnt your back to her from 1st time, or maybe only gave a little help. You're like that saying that tells

>You can't expect a tiger not eatiny you just because you're vegan

So what you did wrong is without any proof of reason, re open your heart. In my opinion, at least.
>>
>What have I done wrong?
You trusted a drug addict who (probably) has some sort of mental illness. She isn't the same person she was 17 years ago.

I think I remember your thread. People told you not to do it, or to at least be careful since you insisted. Was your story the one where it was her sister who kept dragging her back to drugs? Sorry I can't remember too many other details.

There was a quote I heard once. "We accept the love we think we deserve." And.. I think that makes a lot of crazy behavior in relationships make sense. When people don't think they deserve the love they're offered, they turn away from it. The more you offer, the more they feel wrong for accepting. Same idea for staying in abusive situations. People think they don't deserve anything better than abuse. So it becomes sort of comforting to them.

She couldn't accept your love because of how she feels about herself. You can't change how she feels about herself, because that has to come from her.
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>>18514161
>what have i done wrong
You went against 9+ /adv/ices, logic, reason and commin knowledge. It was like saying to 4 years old baby to not touch fire, cause it will burn him badly.

So since now you are burned properly, have you got your sences back? Maybe you should find random poor qtie who will appreciate stuff you would do for her?

You cant buy peoples faith, loyality, morality or love. Stop being stupid, forget about her and find something else to do with your life.

>if you want to help her, buy her psycholog and never talk with her directly again
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>>18514602
most people berated me for wanting to help, but I am eager to help her and welcome her into my life. That's not the issue. I'm dumbfounded how I could have tried to hard and failed so hard when I'm the only person in her life that was both willing and able to help her overcome her tremendous difficulties.

>>18514662
Yes, that was my thread. She's not a drug user anymore, I believe her that she isn't, but the damage has been done. She's losing her teeth, her hair, her strength, she's weak, and sick and honestly seems to slowly degrading. I was consulting top doctors in the country about trying to get her help for her degradation and I had a dentist call me this morning about her, saying the work will take 15 days because it's so extensive and it's vital they start immediately to save her remaining teeth.

Your post really gave me insight though. She has always been very prideful, but with a low self-esteem so she puts up walls. I always reassured her though. I constantly reminded her it's her money when she said she "didn't earn it" and felt bad about it, I always told her I accepted her completely, that we're a team, allies, my forever. But the thought that she pushed me away because she felt she didn't deserve it didn't cross my mind.

>She couldn't accept your love because of how she feels about herself. You can't change how she feels about herself, because that has to come from her.

That's giving me a lot to think about. I don't get it though, what could I have done different? She objectively needs this medical care. I'd do it now for her after she told me to fuck off and never talk to her again, but she won't even reply anymore.

if this is the case, what can I do? I'm planning on giving her space for a while until she writes or calls or texts on her own, but waiting makes my stomach go into knots.

She went nuclear on me and it felt like I was a lightning rod for everything that was bothering her in her life, like she believes it...
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>>18514688
I was really trying to build a future with her and I thought she was on the same page until the past 2 days. She's spent weeks at my house. At "Our" house as I always told her. I bought her a bathroom full of her favorite bath stuff, shopping sprees for anything she wanted. Her own area for her projects, our pictures on the walls, new everything we bought together so it would be "us" and then right when I felt secure in the relationship. boom. It's inexplicable.
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>>18514717
>You can't change how she feels about herself, because that has to come from her.
By that I mean, I don't think there's anything you can do. Or anything that's your responsibility to do. She has to be willing to accept love, and accept help. She has to want these changes. To want better for herself. She'd have to forgive herself for whatever makes her think she just deserves abuse, let it go and work on moving forward.

She probably needs a therapist, but once again if she's unwilling to work on these problems, if she doesn't want help, it won't do anything. She has to actively want better things for herself. And it sounds like she doesn't.
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>>18514730
Honestly, dating is fragile process where two adults get to know each other and see if they are compatible. You skipped this entirelly.

You claim you are rich and old, yet you failed to understand such basic thing as
>you cant always have what you want

Your best bet is to let her go. You cant skip the dating part and simpky shower her with attention, money and whatnot.

She probably feels like prostitute. Leave her alone. She would probably end up as dead junkie overdosed from something. Leave her be. Not everybody can be saved.

She needs psycholog. And even he can fail saving her.
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>>18514749
> She has to want these changes.

That's just it, how could she not? Why won't she take advantage of me? I trust her completely. Everyone around me has been telling me she's here to scam me, and I've done nothing but open my heart and resources to her and she still tries to buy the cheapest most frugal stuff she can find when I tell her to get what she wants. I bought her some special fancy woman razors because she buys these cheap bic disposable ones, and she used it once and said she never felt better shaving her legs and so on. She would basically "vacation" at my house, and I had never seen her so happy and relaxed and at peace. I would sit there and watch her sleep for hours with nothing but love and contentment in my heart, and she knew it. I'd tell her daily she's the light in my life. My sunshine, my princess.

And then all the sudden she goes nuclear, yells at me for 2 hours and says I'm not her friend and she's not mine and I'm just a sad deranged lonely man and to never talk to her again... I feel a constant sinking feeling today. The loss is palpable, and I still find it inexplicable that she could drop me like that. It makes me feel completely useless.
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>>18514764
>You cant skip the dating part and simpky shower her with attention, money and whatnot.

We were almost married when we were younger. I knew her better than my own sister. And I did take her out on dates all the time. I took her out as much as she could. She's so weak she had to stay in bed most of the time, but I was always available for her.

>She probably feels like prostitute
She did say that, but I explained to her the reality. She's not a prostitute. I would explain to her that her presence brings my life focus, clarity, meaning, and joy.

I know I can't save everyone. I never wanted to. But I want to help the people that matter to me the most, of course.
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>>18514809
So what will you do? Touch the fire again?

And even if she stays with you by some miracle, wont the knowledge of
>she does it only because there are no other options avaiable for her
bother you?

Tried to give her time and space? And what will you do once you find her dead by suicide?

And i bet she just never eat so that is why she is losing hair, teeth and health. That and stress.
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>>18514838
>And i bet she just never eat

You're right she doesn't eat. When she's at her husband's she goes days and can't tell me if she's eaten anything. She always says "I can't remember" She's run ragged. While she was at our house she actually relaxed and ate and was happy.

Why would she go back to a situation that is killing her when there's an open door into her own personal safehaven?

>what will you do once you find her dead by suicide?
I'm terrified something will happen to her, but that's just it, when she was with me she was happy. It was just like a flip got switched and now even though all that love and our house and home and her stuff there is all real, she's chosen to alienate me to go back to the bullshit I thought she wanted to escape from.
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>>18514838
>So what will you do? Touch the fire again?
And to clarify. I don't mind her fire. As much as it hurts, It's not my feelings I'm worried about as much as the objective reality of her physical mental deterioration.

She laid into me like a dog and I knew it wasn't her talking it was the gigantic lightning ball of stress in her mind condensing to critical mass and discharging on the only thing around her that is engaging her, me.
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>>18514788
>That's just it, how could she not?
I already tried to explain that one. We accept the love we think we deserve. She doesn't think she deserves it. She is unwilling to try to be someone who she feels deserves love. So it's a vicious cycle that feeds itself. She acts badly because she doesn't believe she deserves love. She doesn't believe she deserves love because she acts badly.

It wasn't on you to save her. You tried to help, she was unwilling to accept it.
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>>18514884
Ok, so assuming all that is true, what could I do to break her out of the cycle?

The way she was talking, I'm afraid she's going to have a heart attack or end up in the hospital again for bleeding ulcers, or worse.
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>>18514865
>why
Girls arent logical creatures. Sometimes they do stuff just because.

>safehaven
Her life is with her 6 kids and husband. Why dont you go and talk to them both? Also she can have some fun thing like schyzo, bipolar or bordeline personality induced by drugs and stress.

If you want to help her, help her whole family, even her shit husband included.
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>>18514717
Sounds like you're doing something that turns each and every single woman off. I mean you're basically taking her back after her betrayal, opening your treasure and home to her, offering her all your time and support for nothing in return, probably not even having sex with her. You bow down to her like that without any conditions, basically saying I'll never walk away from you ever, you are indisposable to me, I want to make everything right for you. You're old enough to know that's not how you keep a woman interested and fighting for you
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>>18514896
I hate her husband, honestly, so let's forget that. We would honestly be more likely to have a pistol duel at 20 paces than say a reasonable word to each other. More than likely we wouldn't get 20 paces. I can imagine he would feel the same way considering I've been showering his wife with gifts, affections and money, and buying his kids all their school supplies, clothes and anything else for the past month and a half. On top of, of course, the whole affair with his wife of 12 years and her going home to him with my living seed swimming in her womb. I hate to be so graphic, but just for perspective, I don't see me ever talking to him like a human being. Those things have an effect on people. She says he'll kill me when he finds out, but I'm not scared of some piss-ant like him.

It's like she's living in an illusion. When she was blowing up she said all kinds of stuff. That she would tell her husband and he would treat her like a princess from then on and save her marriage because he would want her so badly because "someone else wanted his property". which I'm not sure is anything more than a fantasy of hers.

Her kids are another matter, I've told her without question that they are welcome at our house.
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>>18514897
I've considered that, actually, but this isn't some teenager with a bunch of callers I'm wooing. This is an older woman with a bunch of kids and serious health problems. I felt that she needed reassurance and support. She can't be independent. She is extremely dependent, even if she likes to pretend she's independent as hard as she can.

So yeah, I know that's not how I chase a woman. I didn't think I was chasing. I thought I was building one back up from the pits of despair.
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>>18514910
Dude you are amazing. Really, readibg your posts i feel like reading some sick novel.

Have you ever considered that whatever happened between you and her years ago is lost? That she actually loves her crappy husband? Because nobody goes through 6 kids without loving her husband.

She has a life. And you arent part of it. What happened to YOUR OWN LIFE? Why did you get stuck on her? Never ever found anybody after her? Maybe it is you who needs psycholog.

Seriously i dont understand you. You really have nothing else going on in your life?
>murder her husband?
>>
>>18514809
You were almost married 17 years ago. You are an idiot if you think that a person is just the same after 17 years, more so because of the fact that you know for a fact she is not the same because of her life, but you chose to delude yourself.

Honestly, I believe that the one that truly needs to go to a psychologist is you OP. You clearly have some serious emotional issues to be this retarded. Your way of clinging to the past is scary, and can't be the product of a sound mind.
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>>18514916
Well you buy her all she wants, do everything she wants. Or am I just assuming it and she didn't ask for this all and you just threw it at her? Did you ever get showered in praise or gifts and felt that it was out of place and that you or the occasion was absolutely not worthy of it? Didn't it make you feel uncomfortable around the other person? It most likely did and maybe that's how she feels too.

You know why she got mad at you when she was arguing with you and you just continued being nice and supportive? Because you sounded like an absolute doormat. I don't mean that as an insult, I mean that's my 3rd person perspective. She walks right into your house, you give her everything and let her walk over you
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>>18514924
> That she actually loves her crappy husband? Because nobody goes through 6 kids without loving her husband.

Yeah, that's just it, she did, she tried her best and he was an alcoholic that hit her and her kid, verbally abused them, and cheated on her, and when she found out it wrecked her. She told me she doesn't love him anymore, that they don't even talk anymore.

I have a busy life with a lot of responsibility. I work a lot and don't meet a lot of people, but literally one month before she came back into my life, my gf at the time had just broken up with me after a 2 year relationship.

I feel it is divine providence that the love of my life from 17 years ago returned and wanted to be with me. I have options, but they are not what I want. It's neither here nor there, but I had a poor friend girl of mine try to literally seduce me when I last saw her last week and I had to shut her down hard. If anything, me telling everyone the love of my life is back and she's my girlfriend has made the female friends I know, suddenly seem to desire me. But it's irrelevant because I've never been a cheater and I won't be. I know who I want and who I love, and it's not anyone else but one woman right now.

Honestly, it's ridiculous, the experience has made me feel that if I wore a wedding band, girls would hit on me more, but that's not what I'm interested in. It has nothing to do with sex or play:

It's about growing old with the person I care about.
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>>18514941
Well, the only thing which call kill her is hunger and stress. So to make her eat and cut her out from stress is number one priority. Moving her to your house was a bad idea.

She probably needs new flat, somebody has to take care of the kids and only she can decide if divorce is the way out. Almost all hard work has to be done by her, not you.

She is obviously mentally ill in some way. The way how you told
>going to marry
>wanted to wait
>married guy who she knew for a week
is super strange. Nobody normal does such thing.

It is obvious you arent here for advice. You want us to give you magicall pill to erase her husband from her brain and summon love for you.

She needs time to figure out her feelings. And i bet she will choose her husband over you and there is nothing you can do about it.

>wedding band, girls would hit on me more
That is true, it is called preselection.

Give her time to figure herself out. And see her husband. Without the pistols and duel part.
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>>18514161
read like 3 lines in already your a complete fuck up. WTF OP KICK HER OUT
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>>18515025
I read more and its worse than I thought, this must be bait jesus Christ OP
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>>18514941
Aahahahahahahaaha. Please stop. You are a fucking idiot if you say she is the love of your life. I think it's pretty obvious the girl doesn't want you, just as much as she doesn't want her husband. If she did really leave for a guy she met in a week, then she never loved you. She never deserved your help, and now she is the one pushing you away. She probably realized how much of a pushover you are for her, putting her on a pedestal and all. She neither wants someone controlling her (the current husband) or someone who cant decide anything but her (You). It's time to stop OP, find someone else.
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>>18514161
I was reading the thread and in the middle I wanted to wrote something like everyone about how fucking nuts you are, but guess I kinda understand you and the reasons you're madman for her, she's was the love of your life.

Now, You already know she feels like shit because of all the good things you did for her and how unworthy she felt, then she exploded and you responded with love and suport and she got even more angry.

How did you felt when she exploded? You didn't get angry at her too?After all this years, after she throw away your relationship of five years, left for another guy, you who loved her and still do, didn't care at all?
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