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wut do

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so i have a problem /adv/. My girlfriend and i have been dating for a year and around 8 months, and I am perfectly happy with our relationship all around.

the problem i have is she is technically a virgin we still haven't had sex. she has a problem with anxiety and we think she has a condition called vagismus that cause a lot of pain when anything, even something small is inserted. I'm not a virgin and have been trying to be supportive and understanding, but after so much time of little to no progress, i am at a loss as to what to do. we've even tried herbal remedies to increase libido etc.

We haven't gone so far as to even have my full finger inserted. But so what causes my recent worry is she had a pap smear done because she is now 21, and the doctor basically took her virginity with a speculum. I'm feeling a bit hurt over it because she refuses to try together for the most part but just got a rather large medical instrument inserted as deep as the vagina goes and opened up to a little less than 2 inches. now that's a little extreme in consideration that she hasn't even been abe to handle a finger, and i am upset because she still hasn't done anything to address the vagismus so refuses to have sex still even after such an experience.

honestly I'm going a little crazy from not having sex and I'm beginning to think its really not going to happen since shes had so much time to address the situation but hasn't. we just had a decent fight over it

wut do
>>
ask if you can fuck other girls? idk man you're fucked

you either keep her or you don't
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>>18435999
yeah i know there isn't some magic solution, i just figured i could use some advice from others on the subject.

we've talked about having girls on the side for me but when i seriously consider it she cant deal and doesn't want that. the problem that occurs is then because i back off thinking she might do something about it after being threatened with another woman being involved, but it seems like it wears off quickly

i mean it wouldn't even be a question if it wasn't this particular girl, our relationship is pretty good otherwise and shes cool. plus I'm not trying to throw out almost 2 years of my life if it can be averted
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>>18436032

Honest question, does she expect you to go without sex? What's her deal?
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>>18436056

I guess so? I really tried to make a point to her during this last argument that I just cant handle it anymore and I have to do something about it. but she gets all weird when talking about having a mistress on the side and ultimately, even though she has seemed ok with the idea at times, is not interested in that

idk man maybe I'm just plain fucked.
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>>18436056

part of the reason its tough is I haven't abstained from sex for this long at any point since I lost my virginity. worst was like one year when I was moving around a lot and working too much
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>>18436059

sounds like shes about to lose her boyfriend

idk what else to say dude, unless she actively wants to make steps to make the condition better and she isn't(because she clearly doesn't give a fuck about your sex drive) then maybe you should leave her.

Frankly I don't know how this woman expects to keep you. Humans are sexual creatures and while sex=/=love, if a man loves a woman its natural for him to want sex. To deny that is to accept you don't want his love. Sorry not sorry its the truth.
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>>18436067

yeah unfortunately that's the point I'm at, the whole, allowing a doctor the right to do that even though it was extremely painful kind of set me off, mostly because its been so long without much interest in solving the problem or attempts of trying, so letting a doctor take your virginity essentially seems fucked to me when you refuse otherwise.
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>>18436059
She needs to seek some sort of medical treatment to address this issue. If she is not willing to do this then she is not fully committed to the relationship.
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>>18436086
This

OP, it may seem shallow but it honestly isn't. Good sexual relations is one of the most critical aspects of a relationship. Hell, you gotta know if you're sexually compatible before you even get married
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An ex of mine was similarly pretty non-sexual, anon. Granted, she didn't have the whole vagismus thing (I mean, she could've, never got that far), but it was still a pain.

After a while of not speaking after the break up, we randomly just started chatting, and we got onto the topic of sex. She told me that she knew that I wanted to be more sexual, but she had conflicting thoughts because; A) I hadn't actually come out and said "Please be sexual with me, I really like you", and B) I wasn't making a particularly supportive environment for her.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, be really patient, anon. If you love her, you've gotta talk to her and tell her how much you want to be close and romantic and physical with her - make sure you're doing this out of love, not lust, and make it apparent as such.

Most importantly, don't do it forcefully. Yes, bring it up, but tell her that it's not something that needs to happen right away, and that you want to support and be with her and help her through this because you love her (if you haven't said the L-word yet, it'd be a good time to show your support, although in 8 months you probably already have).

If all else fails, you have to keep your sanity, too. It might be best to part ways. It's not shallow to do so, sex is an important part of a relationship, and if you don't have a similar sex drive, it'll make the years to come hell. It's what leads to cheating.

I hope my really wordy response is useful, anon. Basically, just give her all of the support you physically can, tell her you love her, and tell her that you want to do this because you care.

All the best, and have a good week.
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>>18436101
This.

Also, her going to the doctor and being screened for cancer at an appropriate age HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES YOU SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT
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>>18436110

How is OP selfish? Or a piece of shit?

If anything, his girlfriend sounds like a complete and utter cunt.
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>>18436101
its not 8 months, its a year and 8 months, where this has been a thing multiple times, which has led me to have such a problem with it

>>18436110

and I know, but the chance you can even have it is slim to none when you are a virgin because its caused by HPV which is sexual transmitted. My problem isn the exam itself at all, its the fact she refuses anything of the sort because of the pain with me but would willingly accept a large amount of pain and anxiety in that type of situation.

its not even that that is the whole deal, its the entire situation at hand and this is just one recent thin g that has caused me to thibk about it
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>>18436110

also think about the difference. were talking a huge deep pussy object then gaping her when she hasn't done much of anything whatsoever in that aspect. its hugely different and causes me problems because if she would at least try something I wouldn't care. she said she thought she could handle the exam but she didn't even know what was going to happen exactly. I know it is completely selfish but its about the feelings and reasons behind it, not the medical exam itself

I'm sure you are a woman
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>>18436110

t. buttflustered white knight faggot or woman

Get fucked anon. You're a bitch.
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>>18436133

don't be cruel :( lol. I'm trying to be supportive of the woman I love, but yeah, I know that's the reality of it
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>>18436080
Dude here's two things I've learned being with my partner for nearly a decade:

1)sex only concerns women while they're at it. You can talk about thousands of new stuff to do, but they won't move a finger to actually achieve that and will only remember it the next time you're having sex.
2)there are things that, the more you try to fix, the worst they get. Obviously not everything, but this is specially true with women and much more if it is sex related because of the above.

I totally get your position because I've been in it more than a few times trying to teach m'lady a new trick or two. However, I royally salute your patience and chivalry to this damsel, but it's time to gtfo. If she hasn't tried to fix it by herself, this is probably the very tip of an iceberg of problems, and the type that a romantic partner is not able to fix if he's not also a fucking good therapist.
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>>18436143

thanks, I know ive dealt with more than I probably should have, its hard to just drop it when you've committed a lot of effort into a relationship but at this point, if things don't change soon, that may be the only solution
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>>18436178
Look up the sunken cost fallacy, or the bus stop dilemma. Both are about not wanting to bail after invisting effort/time on something. You clearly did all you could from your side and nobody is obliged to keep trying to fix someone while they won't try it themselves. It's tough to put in all the effort and see who you're trying to help just passively wait until it sorts itself alone.
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>>18436196

of course if it was only that it would be easy to ditch the relationship, but its not like I don't love her. I just have to try to reconcile my feelings with my needs as a human and see what I can do.

thank you for the advice
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>>18436128
Have had different cocks and also been to the gyno since the recommended age. The exam is designed to be as quick and painless as possible. Having a speculum used for examination is not like having vaginal intercourse. They're different. It feels different physically as well as mentally. You really cannot compare the two. It's like the difference between using a tampon and having sex. Again, completely different and incomparable feelings.
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>>18436247

Agreed however, that doesn't make OP selfish and if you're the person that said it: you're a retard.
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>>18436117
The fuck? Do you know anything about cervical cancer?
https://molecularcytogenetics.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1755-8166-6-44

Hell, go to fucking wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cervical_cancer

Not all cervical cancer is caused by HPV.
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>>18436247

of course its different feeling but the fact is it was full and deep penetrations when she hasn't had anything before really, that's what is distressing. I don't care abut the technical and philosophical differences when it comes to virginity and sex. it was full deep penetration that was very painful and the doctor says she has to come back because it wasn't successful in getting a full sample because of her issues, but with no solution knowing all of the circumstances besides just to wait and come back

my point being, why accept doing such a hardcore different thing than just fingering or just having sex. you would consider a tampon as insertion right? I would say you've never put anything in there so I'm not disputing that, and that exam is far more intrusive or invading than any sexual activity when it comes to what happens to the opening of your pussy
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>>18436262

I never said I care about a medical exam, it is selfish in general but the fact that its 10 times more hardcore than fingering or sex is my problem, its not that I care if she did it if she was sexually active for me. and for her doctor to force her to do it and be unsuccessful without at least recommending some kind of solution seems off to me. I am concerned for her well being or I wouldn't be in an almost 2 year relationship
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>>18436258
The idea of virginity being taken in a non-sexual act is completely retarded. The whole thing about virginity is that it is sexual. A gyno exam is non-sexual. Hymens also have nothing to do with sexual-becoming.

Easy to watch video references for your viewing pleasure:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBQnQTkhsq4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ikXim4wevc
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>>18436278

I don't care about a womans misconceived ideas of virginity and how they can protect their image after shoving shit into their pussies, I'm sorry but its just not the point.

I guarantee you got fucked before you got a pap smear so what do you even know about the particular situation? it doesn't matter to me if there is a hyman or not, something large was inserted in there and her pussy was opened up when ive not had the ability to do anything like that.

it has nothing to do with the concept, it has everything to do with the fact ive been refused and its still a problem.

like I said previously as well, its not just that, you think I just got with this girl and I'm complaining? its been almost 2 years of this and I'm supposed to be an asshole for saying her virginity has technically been taken. sure not mentally, but what does that matter to me?

yeah its selfish but its about nothing being allowed in her vag at all otherwise, not that she needed an exam
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>>18436278

What does any of that have to do with the post you replied to? If I'm assuming correctly(who the fuck knows), you're the same person that called OP a selfish person for wanting to have sex with the female he loves when its been nearly TWO YEARS and they NEVER had sex.

Either you're a fucking moron, deluded, or just plain baiting me. Fuck off and get a clue, jesus christ.
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This is an interesting thread, I'm saving this.
Thread posts: 30
Thread images: 1


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