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Fear of Penetration/ Vaginismus

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So, in the past several months I've developed an anxiety about vaginal penetration (there's no trouble with anal penetration). I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years (he's the only man I've been with) and while I've never really gotten much out of vaginal penetration by itself, for about half a year now I've had no desire to be penetrated vaginally and at times have felt a very strong aversion to it; I have physically cringed at the idea of being penetrated. This started after having been on birth control for nearly a year and losing my sex drive. I have been off the birth control since January or so but an still trying to restore my sex life.

When I attempt to have sex, even with a bit of foreplay, climaxing from clitoral stimulation, having been made comfortable with massages and kisses, using additional lubrication, penetration is still painful for me. Two nights ago my bf and I made another attempt to have sex because we were in the mood and I was in so much discomfort that he only made it partially in and we tried to acclimate me to it by remaining still and him petting and kissing me to relax me but it just kept hurting and we had to stop.

Does anyone have any advice about how to overcome this so that I can return to a normal sex life? I feel so dysfunctional.
I had that during my first time, we cured it by never trying to force it in. I'm assuming you can get to a certain depth, right? Tell your boyfriend to fuck you gently at that depth, and rub your clit or do something to take your mind off of it and turn you on. Never tell him to go deeper because you think "you'll be fine", he'll feel you relax and go deeper without you being wholly aware of it, which will prevent you from tightening again. It may take awhile, just try to relax and enjoy yourselves.
I should also mention that the problem remain when I try to use a toy on myself. I only have a hard plastic toy right now, so maybe I'd have more luck with a jelly. But I don't know. It hurts. It sucks. Everything sucks.
Oh, and once you relax, it won't hurt. At least not the pain you describe of him going to deep and stretching you. You'll be a little sore though, but it really doesn't hurt that badly, I promise. If you feel a stretching pain, you're not loosened.

Anal sex is by far, the most uncomfortable method of penetration, regardless of how long you prepare and how much lube you use. The rectum is not designed to take a dick.

Your vaginal is created around the idea of taking a dick, so you have to look at other reasons why it might be so uncomfortable for you.

What led to you trying anal sex before vaginal sex, and how did that become a regular thing? Did you request it, or was it your boyfriend who suggested it? And why do you think you feel anal sex is okay and comfortable, but you seem uncomfortable with the idea of being vaginally penetrated?

Any history of abuse? Rape? Please feel free to avoid this questions if you'd prefer.

It seems like you're doing everything right. You're using enough lube, there's foreplay, you're being massaged and made to feel relaxed, yet it seems more mental than physical. I would probably recommend speaking to a professional about it, if you've tried everything else.
It hurts to even get partially in. I just feel like I'm bracing for impact and I get extremely tight and nervous about how much it's going to hurt.
As much as you can counts. You'll seriously just have to edge it in stages. Don't force it in, but yeah, some pain will be present. Just take baby steps, and use lube and stimulate yourself. You'll eventually relax if you're comfortable with your man, but it won't be immediate. Let him fuck you as gently at the most comfortable length you guys can bear. Your brain will realise that it's not so bad, and you'll relax.
I think I said somethig confusing. My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about 3.5 years. This anxiety started about half a year ago when I was on birth control.

I have no history of sexual assault. The only concern I have about sex is the risk of pregnancy, which may be relevant. My boyfriend and I are both certain that we do not ever want to produce our own children; we both worry about getting pregnant because of what it would mean for our futures (I couldn't go to grad school and start my career, most likely -- we would both have to probably settle on a job we wouldn't enjoy to pay the bills, etc.)

I've never had a pregnancy scare and this started once I finally got on birth control (which I had to get off of). I'm not sure why this anxiety would surface so intensely at this point.

Other concerns I have that might be causing this: I put on about 35 pounds while on birth control (I'm definitely self-conscious about this) and my problems with depression and anxiety have resurfaced.
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