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// tldr I was raped throughout childhood, told a friend in adulthood

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// tldr I was raped throughout childhood, told a friend in adulthood and it damaged our relationship, what do I do

Throughout my childhood (as early as I remember till 13), my father raped me as my mother watched. I tried reporting it at school three times when I was young, but no one I told ever acted and they mostly seemed to not believe me. My father is a police officer so, as a child, I thought that meant the police would choose him over me.

I'm a 24 yr old man now, surprisingly well adjusted. Two years ago I moved to a new state and made an older incredible best friend who doubles as a father figure / big brother figure.

Three weeks ago, late in the evening when I was a bit drunk at his house, he pressed me to talk about my childhood (I usually avoided it), and I frantically started telling him what happened. It was the first time I had talked to anyone about abuse since my attempts to report as a small child. I don't think he was prepared to reply, I got more worked up as I spoke, and it was late, so he asked me to leave his house. He said he had a movie rented he wanted to watch. That hurt and sent me spiraling, and I essentially spent an hour in the middle of the night pounding on his door and begging him to let me in so we could talk. Yeah.

We still hang out, but it's not the genuine best friendship where we tell each other everything anymore. I feel hurt and confused by his reaction. Trust is really hard for me, and I feel like my trust in him was partially broken. It's magnified by him being the first person I've told about being raped.

At the same time, he's started putting up walls with me. He says he saw me pounding on his door as crossing a line and as an attack.

Not sure where to go from here. I love the hell out of him. I feel bad that we trust each other less, and I want to reverse that. But I still feel so hurt. I feel like I'm belaboring the point when I try talking about it.

Any advice?
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(Yes, the obvious side note is I should go to therapy. A school counselor is one of the people I tried telling, and it colored therapy in my mind.)
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>>18430768
Hey anon, assuming it is not bait, the same thing happened to me when I talked about my abuse. People sometimes don't know how to deal or they think you're a weirdo. The fact you reacted like one shows you are mentally unstable. Give your friend a week or two to come round then try to talk again like adults. If it works great. If not, cut your losses and go get therapy.

>but muuuuuhuum when I told a counselor he didn't listen.
Not ALL counselors are this counselor.
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>>18430768
He's obviously not the father/big brother you thought he was and you're disappointed. Beating on his door is a little dramatic and would have scared me. It then, I wouldn't have thrown you out. A lot of guys can't handle such a personal relationship with another guy out of fear. Guys are supposed to be strong and he may not want his masculinity challenged. For me, I'm comfortable in my own skin so none of that bothers me and no I am not gay. It's unfortunate he wasn't able to help you open up. You may want to seek a counselor instead. Best of luck.
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Aside from the obvious notes about therapy, I think you could just hang out with your friend less. Give him time to gather his thoughts, if you two broke off then I'd say good riddance. He couldn't handle the truth about you and would be unlikely to accept you.

I've learned from my own experience to never ever talk about anything intimate about my own abuse in pasts to other people other than counselors/therapists. Ordinary people often wouldn't be able to handle it, and would shun you hard.
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It's kind of a dick-move by your friend, but I guess it must be hard for him to process.

Know that people are often cowards and fear certain things. You can hold this against him, but Id recommend just accepting it and moving past it. Youve seen it now. What else is there? You can forgive him for what he did to you but you can't forgive that he chose to do it
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>>18430789
I completely agree. I was also abused by a relative as a kid. I have never told another living soul on the planet. Not another guy or girl. The relative is dead now and this is going to the grave with me. I don't think people hear that easily especially from a guy. I've never told anybody except on here, right now and nobody here knows me.
I've buried it in the past and I am doing fine as an adult. No need dig that up. Won't change anything anyway.
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>>18430815
>You can forgive him for what he did to you but you can't forgive that he chose to do it
This is insightful. Can you elaborate on it?
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Thanks for all the replies.

>>18430782
>A lot of guys can't handle such a personal relationship with another guy out of fear. Guys are supposed to be strong and he may not want his masculinity challenged

I get this. The hard part is that we had a dynamic where we talked through everything, so it seemed like we were an exception to typical masculine relationships. And he asked.

I do regret the door pounding bit. I regret it a lot because I recognize it was irrational and, really, I think I've coped with everything that happened when I was young in an incredibly steady way otherwise. I just felt so hurt by him too (one of the first people I have really trusted) after I told him.

I don't fully know what I expect/expected from him.
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>>18430789
>>18430817
How'd you learn not to talk about it? Did you ever try to?

It's interesting. I never wanted to talk about it with anyone until he appeared as a clear positive male role model type figure.
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>>18430853
>How'd you learn not to talk about it? Did you ever try to?

Learned it the hard way when the people I trusted betrayed me. Ever since that I've adopted the mentality of "let sleeping dogs lie".

I did try to let it out from my chest time to time again, and the best I could do is to post it here on 4chan, I could freely tell my stories and people won't judge me as harsh as they'd in real life, even most of time I'd get the usual "fake and gay" replies. Which is fine by me since I'm just looking to let it out, not trying to fish anything other than that.
Before that I go to therapist since they're professional enough to hear my problems without being too judgemental.
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>>18430875
What did they do?
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>>18430853
>>18430817
For a long time, I didn't think anyone would believe me. I had the typical stupid guilt feelings, and I didn't want to cause a rift in the family. Then by the time I was older, I was too embarrassed and wasn't going to talk about. Then I got to adulthood and thought it's been so long nobody is going to believe me. I guess mostly it's just emarassment and trust. I do agree with the other anon that even with close friends I was always afraid they would share it with someone and the word would get out. I also didn't want to be treated differently. If people knew, I was afraid they'd always see me as the abused kid.
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>>18430768
Most people don't know an appropriate way to react to stories of extreme trauma. He was out of his depth and anxious, and you acted like a complete lunatic. Yea, he didn't do the best possible thing - he didn't know how more than likely. On the other hand you (hopefully) KNOW that you can't fucking knock on someone's door for an hour. You fucked up. You should apologize.
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>>18430903
>I also didn't want to be treated differently. If people knew, I was afraid they'd always see me as the abused kid.

I think I'm struggling with this now. That fear is coloring my perception of interactions with my friend and that's further straining things.
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>>18430956
I know I was wrong too. I apologized. I wish I hadn't done it. Just felt overwhelmed by telling someone for the first time and feeling rejected.
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>>18430768
What the fuck? How are people in this thread pretending you did anything wrong? That fucking sucks, OP. Your friend is an immature faggot who wasn't there for you, and won't be there for you in the future. Of course you would have an emotional reaction to being shut off from talking about something you've never gotten off your chest, he's the asshole for telling you to leave, and not only that, SOMEHOW MAKING IT ABOUT HIM. Who fucking does that? You need to snap and let him know how much of a cunt he's been, and if he never wants to talk to again, you have your answer. If he's willing to talk about things (which he apparently is too much of a faggot to do already) then he might actually not be such a selfish asshole. You need to stop settling and apologizing, OP.
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>>18430768

First of all, props to you for dealing with this. That is not easy.

Second, adult male friends have trouble connecting on the deep level you would like them to. It probably freaked your friend out that you got so suddenly emotional. There's no reason to feel ashamed, though. It's just who you are. No reason to blame you. I bet you feel upset that he coaxed it out of you too. Don't pound on his door though man that's not cool. Give him space.

Honestly, your best course of action, if you want to remain friends, is to leave him be for a while.

No offense, and you have nothing to feel ashamed about, but the way our society is, people don't feel comfortable speaking about rape. That's the way it is now. It doesn't have to stay that way. If you can remain friends then you will be like a beacon of hope. Proof that people can talk about it and stay good friends. Just give him time, anon. He will come around if you really are good friends. I'm sure he knows you feel hurt and just doesn't know what to say now. So let him mull it over for a minute.

>>18430829

That's what forgiveness is. That's why when someone hurts you it kind of leaves a scar on your heart. You can forgive people's actions, because people make mistakes, but it's much much more difficult to forgive the fact that it happened. It's hard to forgive the world for shaping people into who you don't want them to be. Especially when you know they're a good person.
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>>18430887
They got the word out and I ended up getting alienated by my peers further. They also laugh and joke about my abuse.
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>>18431124

Wow they are shit people aren't they? That fucking sucks dude but I know what it's like to open up to people about your abuse and they run the fuck away from you.

It's okay, take it as a learning experience. You'll learn who to trust and how much you want to disclose. Sexual abuse from family members is surprisingly (and disgustingly) not that uncommon.

Those people were obviously shit people. I think maybe it's their way of dealing, but that's fucking weak. You deserve better friends than that anon. lol and FUCK father's day.
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>>18431106
Should I expect him to talk to me about rape when he comes around, or should I expect him to ignore it?
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>>18431106
Should I expect him to talk to me about rape when he comes around, or should I expect him to ignore it?
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>>18430768
Time may be able to heal this rift. There's a lot of factors that could have caused him to wanna try and run and not talk about it. I mean, yeah, if I had some guy pounding on my door in the middle of the night, I would probably be super weirded out, best friend or not.
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>>18431393

expect him to ignore it IF he ever comes around. Don't hold a candle out for him tho lol
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>>18431424
What's the best way to come back from this and work on healing it?
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>>18431531
The relationship, I mean.
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I'm on the friend's side. He didn't ask to be your surrogate father figure and when you pounded on his door for an hour afterwards that is fucked up "this guy is going to murder me if I let him in" behavior.
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>>18431631
I know that looking back on it.

Same question regarding the relationship with my friend:
>>18431531
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>>18431631
To be fair he did ask childhood questions when he knew it was a touchy subject
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sorry anon, I've been there. dad started molesting me when i was 9 and it went on until my late teens when i basically ran away to go live with a teacher.

i cant tell most people.
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>>18432979
How'd you get the teacher to take you in?
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>>18433000

he was fucking me too unfortunately, though I didn't mind nearly as much.
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>>18433011
Whoa can you tell this story?

Are you male or female? How old was the teacher?
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>>18433025

male. he and I had sex for more than a few years. hes currently mid 40. we broke up a few years back so id have to sober up and math
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>>18433027
Was the relationship healthy or did it feel like a result of your trauma?
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>>18430817
shit on his grave
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Do guys cum when their dads fuck them?
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>>18434215
Not always but if they do it's a sign they're actually gay.
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How can you sleep knowing you haven't gotten the justice you deserve. Your parents should be put down
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>>18430768
>Throughout my childhood (as early as I remember till 13), my father raped me as my mother watched
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>>18435464
Epik ancient memes
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>>18435443
How do you exact justice within the family without causing societal or emotional harm to everyone in it?

What if the perpetrator is still alive, visits regularly, and acts like you shouldn't be weird around them?
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>>18435443
I don't know what I would gain from any revenge or retribution and so I don't see the value in it.
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How do I rebuild the relationship?
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>>18430768
The really sad part is you're probably going to be a child rapist in a few years when you have kids too.
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>>18430768
I'm jacking it to this thread op
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>>18436083
Fuck you
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You shouldn't have been drunk and telling him that shit you dumbass. I mean what an awful way to reveal yourself. It probably weirded him the fuck out. I'm sure he had all kinds of questions, like whether or not you had an STD or something.
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>>18437125
I agree but he asked and I trusted him. I asked him repeatedly if he was sure he wanted to know.

I don't know how to come back from this. I regret revealing it and I regret the way it happened.
Thread posts: 49
Thread images: 2


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