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Advice for depressed, anxious anon.

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I've been depressed since I was 10. I managed ok on my own up until college. I got there and pretty much became a complete loner with any 'friends' made only lasting a semester or 2. Fast forward to senior year and I completely shut down. I stopped studying and just slept whenever not in class. Now my parents want me to go to grad school but I'd rather just stop trying and waste away. Started developing anxiety recently. I start to have mild panic attacks whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long and have a general sense of dread otherwise. TV & internet don't drown it out like it used to. Gotten bad to the point of active self sabotaging myself whenever the opportunity presents itself. I'm pretty sure I should be in therapy and on meds of some kind but refuse to tell my parents cuz I don't want seem like a pussy and let them down. They care but are the high pressure type achievement obsessed type. Want to get help without letting them on but don't have healthcare because no job. I've gotten so good at pretending to be well adjusted, you'd have to really look to find anything wrong with me. Lately, I've found that I've lost interest in the very few things that would get me out of bed (never thought I could be bored of porn & anime) and I often wake up to the thoughts of what a disappointing piece of shit I am. I've come to hate myself, my life and the wasted potential that they represent. Not gonna rope myself anytime soon but alcoholism seems more tempting by the day. What do?
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>>18370626
seek professional help anon

and I am not meming here
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>>18370707
How though? I know my parents care about how I'm doing but whenever I feel like approaching them with what's wrong, I freak, panic and end up pussing out.
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How often do you masterbate?
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>>18370828
write it down on a piece of paper or a couple and hand it to your parents

if you are unable to do that muster all strength and put the letter in the inbox so your parents can find it and you wont be able to prevent it
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>>18370841
ofc it may take you a couple of tries but don't give up just rest a little and try again

I believe in you anon :)
>>
I felt the same way a while ago & I got into therapy. First I tried a psychologist, then when that didn't help I got a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist put me on Prozac. The results have been underwhelming so far. So try it out but don't expect miracles
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>>18370837
Whenever I get the urge. Sometimes 0 or 1 times a week and sometimes 2x a day. It doesn't really feel great like it used to. Now it's more something to do when I get the urge.

>>18370841
>>18370847
Thanks, anons. I know if they knew, they'd be doing everything they can to help but I could never get over the thought that I would be letting them down somehow if I told them. I never want them to feel that they did a bad job parenting me or that they didn't adequately prepare me for the pressures of adulthood and the real world.

>>18370858
Not expecting any miracles, just something to get me a little above where I am now. Like I said, I've been depressed since 10. It's just never felt this bad before now and the anxiety on top of everything doesn't help.
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>>18370878
Meditation has been life changing for me, I used to be in a similar situation to you. Couple it with nofap and you may see huge changes.

Actually set aside some time and try this WHOLE guided meditation video, It was what got me started on meditation.
The guy who made it is a fucking hypnotist or something its incredible.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY
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>>18370626
>I managed ok on my own up until college. I got there and pretty much became a complete loner with any 'friends' made only lasting a semester or 2. Fast forward to senior year and I completely shut down. I stopped studying and just slept whenever not in class. Now my parents want me to go to grad school but I'd rather just stop trying and waste away. Started developing anxiety recently. I start to have mild panic attacks whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long and have a general sense of dread otherwise.
>refuse to tell my parents cuz I don't want seem like a pussy and let them down.
I'm in the exact same position. The moment I leave my computer for college or work, I immediately start thinking about how much of a failure I'm actually becoming. I should be studying right now for a test I'll have tomorrow, but I can't even concentrate on it anymore. I just don't have any more will or care for it, along with everything else I used to care about, even the things I once thought were fun. The feeling of constant tiredness that never goes away doesn't help either. Not sure about seeking professional help because I heard it's a scam most of the time and telling my parents about it will only make they annoy and overwhelm them even more than they already do (which is a fucking lot). Constant thoughts of dying, which I recently realized I've been having since I was around 10, are becoming increasingly often. Depersonalization is also starting to settle in.
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>>18371362
Professional help is a business so their concern on a large scale is just to get your money. As for it being a scam, it most likely is but its more on your participation (at least in terms of therapy). I went to therapists as a kid and they would never be able to help me because I refused to open up to them. I would always try to divert the conversation in ways that would allow me to divulge absolutely nothing about myself during a session. In the end, I didn't get any better and stopped going, thinking it was a waste. In terms of my mental health, this has always been my biggest regret. Who knows how much different my life would have been had I allowed myself to be helped back then. Maybe I would have had a semi-normal childhood experience and would be in a much better place in life now instead all the wasted time I spent alone. Therapy is certainly no guarantee but those what-ifs haunt me to this day.
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