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Please god help

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Wonderful amazing BF who I had started dating was found to be texting a colleague inappropriate things. I thought to just end it but, we had been close friends and it his apology seemed genuine so I forgave him.

>>FAST FORWARD 7 months

He no longer seems to pay me any mind, seems distant etc. He is angry all the time, from the moment he gets home from work he rattles off his to do list and wants to find out what I have and haven't done (please note I also work full time and do the majority if not all of the housework at this time minus cooking). He becomes unbearable and during this time I notice how guarded he is over his phone. Somehow we still have a lot of sex I did have a high libido,higher than his and this continued but I noticed he was quite detached during sex.

I assume he's cheating and try and give him and out to admit what's going on. Nothing confrontational, just gentle nudges. Eventually I can't take it and I look at his phone. I find out it's two of his work colleagues. He tells them how he dreams about having sex with them. He asks them for nudes. He asks when they'll be available for dates. He gives them all sorts of compliements I would have to twist his arm to receive. He writes them love notes on their car. He says how he misses them with all the little kisses he used to give me. I saw how they would be the first people he would message when he work up whilst my messages to him would be answered but I could see he was online (WhatsApp). He said how if was unfortunate to have a girlfriend. This went on for months. We had moved in together during this time. He asked me to go the pill because condoms "lacked intimacy." It crushed me.
>>
all started when in the early months of when we started dating...I went on holiday with my family it was a very sudden holiday, unplanned and taking advantage of a cruise deal. Apparently he thought I would be off screwing - even though he knows me extremely well, and the reasons why I just cannot ever have sex with a person I'm not in a relationship with. Right after this is when I first caught him sending the inappropriate messages.


These girls were girls he wanted to get with before he met me and in one message he reminded one of the girls of how he wanted to be with her but he wasn't sure if she picked up his signals.

Now during all of this I had changed jobs, I went from a nice easy job to a well paid, high mileage, awful boss new job with a gap of a few months inbetween. However money was never an issue, I paid my rent in full and on time and lived on my own and was dating my BF. He took to living with me during this time and I never asked for any contribution or even thought about it. He brought it up in passing once but I didn't really pay it much attention.

He never gave me a solid reason for why the inappropiate messaging occurred but here are the two I remember:

"They were easy and they were there"
"His bi-polar made him do it"
>>
I continued to ask him for a reason and he kept saying he didn't know, and he couldn't live with me asking so often. He yelled at me and eventually I relented.


So I felt not even second best, not even the sticker you get for trying. I felt so ugly. So I did a complete rehaul of myself. I was already the type to dress well and do my hair and makeup but it felt like it wasn't enough. I paid a professional to teach me to apply make up and everything about and in it . I threw out my clothes and bought new ones. I had to feel beautiful again somehow.

He promised to be better and make it up to me etc etc. He left that job and broke complete contact with those two girls. He changes jobs often and then it's apparent he no longer likes the field he's in and wishes to change. He gets a different job but finds the work tedious and is now unemployed and has been for quite some time.

During this time I am financially supporting us both and doing all the housework,under the guise that "things will get better when he has a job. " I have less disposable income so I feel stuck and bored.

To top everything off, my sex drive plummeted thoughout this..I thought something was medically wrong with me. My BF constantly berated me about not wanting to have sex . I couldn't figure out why, is it stress? Is it because I can't afford to go out and do enjoyable activities? Am I stifled? He blames me entirely for my now low libido and says I'm not attracted to him.
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get rekt roastie
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>>18360193
>He blames me entirely for my now low libido and says I'm not attracted to him.

Why would you be? Your interactions consist of either apologies or more negative shit, I speak from experience, I'm in a similar position and I'm beginning to see there's no light at the end of the tunnel and he's just going to make me miserable and only come to me when he needs support (a thing he complains constantly about how other people do this to him btw, because he gives out his phone number to any sad sack of shit that pays attention to him so he can continue being a self-congratulatory pious asshole)
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>>18360200
There's no coming back from this, is there
>>
You should have left the fucker when you caught him texting other girls.
He could have def cheated on you by now.
There is nothing to do except dump him in this situation.
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>>18360215
I was too fucking weak then and I feel even weaker now I don't even know what I'm afraid of.

I think I'm partly afraid of him, in a passing comment more than a handful of times he told me if I ever cheated on him he'd murder me and the guy
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>>18360213
I don't want to give any guarantees but I also didn't have to deal with the lewd texts or anything definitive like that. Primarily because he deletes his texts. I've had to hear "just trust me" for so long I want to peel my face off. Just get over it, the sooner the better OP. Don't be like me and end up internalizing this so much you cripple yourself mentally.
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This relationship is toxic. Get out now. The longer you stay, the worse it will be for you. Break contact. Guy's an asshole who's on the verge of cheating (if he hasn't already). Get out.
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>>18360282
Joint bank accoun, pets, living together. How do i cut this off neatly,what do I say
>>
>>18360213
>>18360236

You both need to drop your boyfriends. they both sound like inconsiderate whiny cunts. Why the fuck are you still with them? OP you shouldn't have taken him back. He fooled you twice, shame on you. And femanon, your situation presents a major red flag too. Either you talk about whats going on and see if you can fix it or just end things. For both of you, if it doesn't work it doesnt work. If things can't be fixed with little to no effort than you better drop him now because the longer you wait the worse it'll get
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>dump him
>date me
You seem like my kinda girl
>>
>>18360327
Why does the thought of ending it with him hurt me so much. He is ruining my life and has strangled love and hope out of me and I'm here crying because I'm figuring out how to break the news to him. I have never felt so weak, so scared or so ashamed of myself. This isn't me but I'm a crying shaken mess.
Shouldn't I be glad? Why does it feel like a mistake? I've ended previous relationships before
>>
>>18360768
This time it's hard, next time will be easy as fuck. Just grow a pair or boobs and act like a woman, for your own good.
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>>18360768
It hurts. Not because you love him so much or that he's rally good on tyre inside. But because all the time and effort you put in the relationship AFTER he cheated. All wasted. In the most humiliating way possible too. Simply put, breaking hop with him would prove your bad judgement of character and that you were wrong for 7 months.
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>>18360768
I am other femanon, I've been with him for 10 years, there is no question about it, my entire love life and my ability to trust people is beyond destroyed because I just tried and tried to make it work. You might feel good about the relationship at some times, but if the underlying issues can't be addressed, those moments are just a band-aid.
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>>18361108
10 years ? Why are you stupid ?
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>>18361125
Why are you a condescending little shit? It's been complete hell for me, I helped them through the absolute worst points in their life because I loved them, how was I supposed to know I'd get no thanks for it in the end, how do you think all of this feels when they've told me I'm their best friend and they want to spend the rest of their lives with me and STILL do this. I tried harder than anybody on the fucking planet would, I'm not the kind of person to just give up at the first sign of a problem. Maybe that's my mistake, that's why I'm fucked as far as other relationships are gonna be concerned because I won't have any patience or understanding left. It's all been wasted on this. Maybe fuck off this board unless you have something constructive to say.
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>>18361143
Nice guys also help women in the hope they will date them and fail.

They asked you nothing but you stayed and choose to help in the hope they'll stay with you forever, like they would owe it to You. You got what you deserved, even though this is sad for you. You did a mistake, you're not your bf's psychologist. Next time you find someone weak, you'll know what you can expect. You don't have time to help men with their shit, they're supposed to do it on their own.

I wish you the best, anon. We always learn things the hard way. But stop being a victim and move forward.
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>>18361193
>Nice guys also help women in the hope they will date them and fail.
This doesn't apply when the relationship is already there, but alright.
>They asked you nothing but you stayed and choose to help in the hope they'll stay with you forever, like they would owe it to You.
Because they said things like "thank you, you're the only person who was ever there for me, I'll always remember this and always be there for you"

It's not like I just let someone shack up with me for a few months and got played. There is a lot of history and it was hard because I DID voice my issues and for some reason he refuses to change his behavior because he thinks that would make him whipped or something.

As soon as he got a little bit stable, his tune changed and I'm left pissing in the wind every time I need someone to talk to. It's the worst kind of betrayal and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If I am blaming myself for anything it's for not being more cold-hearted.
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>>18361207
It applies.

And it took you 10 years to realise it was a one sided relationship ?
Next time you'll know to leave earlier.

Sorry for being cash with you, but you only got one life, don't fucking waste it.
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>>18361214
>don't fucking waste it.

I sure as fuck am not gonna waste it on any more relationships because I'd rather shoot myself than try to meet people now. My life is fucked in so many other ways the most I can aspire to do is scrape by with relative comfort.
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>>18361224
Everything will be fine, you'll be ok, anon.
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>>18360223
how do you even end out with people like that

certain comments are unacceptable
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>>18360188
>>18360191
>>18360193
I read all that just to read that you didn't leave his ass after you confirmed he was cheating on you with two other women... Fuck you.
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>>18360768
>>18361108
Ugh dear god. Okay, so as one who's been there, and you can take or leave this advice:

>Why does the thought of ending it with him hurt me so much

Real answer: Because he has conditioned you to accept less than you deserve. Less love, less respect, less attention, less time, less attention, less praise, less of your own income, less space in your own fucking house. Less everything.

He has literally CONDITIONED YOU, like an animal, to accept what tiny, paltry little pieces of affection he will give you as if they were the equivalent of what you would get in a healthy relationship.

Because you stayed the first time.
And then the second time.
And then, by the third time, he had you.

So the only thing you can do now - literally the ONLY THING - is leave.

It will be hard. For about a month, maybe three, you'll feel like you're dying. Because you're withdrawing from the exact physical equivalent of a cocaine addiction.

But it is a LIE. All those feelings for him that you think are love? They're not. They're the result of whatever emotional abuse you went through as a kid, all parlayed into this pseudo-relationship that you left yourself vulnerable to by dating while having low self-esteem.

Get out. Fix your issues. Don't ever put up with this bullshit again.

Your heart is all fucked up right now. You can't listen to it.

Your head knows better. Listen to THAT. FOR ONCE.

You'll thank me later
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>>18361263
What everyone knows is wrong etc becomes my norm. I don't know how he does it. I called him out on it, who the fuck says things like that and he made it out to seem like I'm the weird one.

>>18361293
I don't know if it ever became physical but he always tried to explain that what he did wasn't cheating. I just want to get out but he's rooted himself in my life
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>>18361342
>I don't know how he does it. I called him out on it, who the fuck says things like that and he made it out to seem like I'm the weird one.
It's called gaslighting. He's using your own feelings for him against you by simply pretending reality isn't real.

God, why does no one actually READ about abusive relationships??? This is all literally textbook. The answers to all your questions are in thousands of books.

I'm sure you're not actually retarded, so go read a few and realize how all of this works. Your man is a broken person who is using you to prop himself up so he doesn't have to work or treat a person with respect. That's literally all there is to it. He doesn't love you, he isn't sorry for anything he's done, and he has used every trick in every book ever written about emotional abuse on you. And you have fallen for it.

Educate yourself, girl. There is no excuse for leaving yourself this defenseless. There are awful people out there, you have to learn how they work or this will happen to you over and over and over again until you die.
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>>18361339
>You'll thank me later

When I'm 50 years old and have been "dating" on and off every six months for the next 20 years, a long, harrowing string of embarrassing horrible experiences one after another, and then I finally MAYBE meet someone I can love with half the passion I felt with this guy, and we either hook up and he dies in 10 years or it turns out he's just as fucked up and jaded and it lasts for like four months. Ironically enough, "it will get better" just makes me feel like it's not going to get better and people in my position tell themselves this just for the strength to wake up in the morning until the depression takes away their health and mind.
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>>18361353
Ugh. So this is the problem, right here, in a nutshell. You would literally rather stay in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP than be alone or try again.

I mean, listen. I'm trying to have sympathy for you here, but if you have literally zero self-respect, I'm done trying to help you.

Enjoy your abuse. I feel sorry for the kids you have with this man who grow up thinking this is normal.
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>>18361368
No, I'd definitely rather be alone at this point. I'm just saying none of them will make me happy. "Trying" to recreate the way I felt with someone else feels impossible right now and I know "oh there are other fish in the sea, just be yourself!" and all that shit are what you have to TELL yourself to move on - it doesn't mean it's going to work or even make you feel better over time, because why would a continued series of dissappointments do that?
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>>18361368
Also look at who you're replying to. You originally replied to two people. And your shitty attitude makes me think whatever option you took didn't work out for you.
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>>18361377
>I'm just saying none of them will make me happy. "Trying" to recreate the way I felt with someone else feels impossible right now and I know "oh there are other fish in the sea, just be yourself!" and all that shit are what you have to TELL yourself to move on - it doesn't mean it's going to work or even make you feel better over time, because why would a continued series of dissappointments do that?
You don't know ANY of this. You are being negative and irrational and melodramatic. You sound like a 14-year-old breaking up with her first boyfriend. "I'll never find love again!" Stop it.
>>
>>18361384
>oh no you just have to keep trying, you can't win if you don't play!

yeah I'm the one who sounds naive
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>>18361381
Both of the people I replied to are in abusive relationships. I'm replying to the one who replied to me with this crap attitude.

I left an abusive partner and found someone healthy, so leaving worked just fine. It usually does. Funny how that works. I have boundless empathy for those who know what they're dealing with but are stuck in the emotional loop just before breaking free. I just have very little patience at this point for anyone who isn't even TRYING to break the mental chains of being in a shit relationship. You have to WANT things to get better. That's agenda item number one.

If you're aware enough of how bad it is to come on /adv/ asking about it, then you're aware enough to know that whining about how you'll never find love this good (how good, exactly?) again/things will never be better for you is nothing more than whiny, destructive, self-fulfilling crap. This applies to anyone.

All the gentle advice in the world won't do a person like that any good.

I don't know why you think everyone who's been through what you're going through is going to hold your hand and talk you through it like your BFF, but not everybody will.

>>18361395
>>oh no you just have to keep trying, you can't win if you don't play!
LOL, no. Who said you had to "keep trying" at the dating game? I'm literally just saying people in abusive relationships should leave. Are you honestly saying people should stay with abusive partners who cheat on and lie to them because "there's nothing better out there"? You don't sound naive. You just sound retarded.
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>>18361351
Reading up now starting with gas lighting makes a lot of especially the whole it breaks you down over time.

It sounds incredibly stupid and naive but I thought I would never let something like this happen. There's also a part of me that thinks he isn't smart enough to do all this but I KNOW no one is this bad at relationships.

My biggest issue is the fact he lives with me, he knows i want him out. He often ask if I want him to leave and I know he has no intention of going. He asks if it'll make my life better he will leave but I have to be the one to tell him to go. He won't just leave and let me be.

I'm going to close the joint account and begin the process of uprooting him from my life. I have always regretted not kicking him out when I saw that very first text.
I wish I could just throw him out, just for that feeling of release, but I don't want this idiot fucking up my life further. I'll close the account tomorrow and get my shit together.

Thank you to everyone here, I know, really I know that this was toxic but he really made me feel as if no one would want me and I began clinging to this mess. It doesn't help that my family love him, obviously they don't know anything about the situation.

God he would pester me into sex and make me feel like absolute shit because I didn't want to. He made me stop talking to some of my close male friends.

Fuck, if anyone reads all of this, I guess let it be a warning. Don't let it get so far, if you get that feeling that something isn't right. Believe it.
>>
OP, of i wasn't far from you, i'd fuck you just to show you'll love again ...

/adv/, I gotta ask you one question .... Do you believe in life after love ?
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>>18361406
>Are you honestly saying people should stay with abusive partners who cheat on and lie to them because "there's nothing better out there"?

Wow you're a professional at putting words in other people's mouths, your healthy minded boyfriend is so lucky with such a strong person
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>>18361414
Kekekekekekekekek
>>
>>18361410
Now, THIS is how you start getting better. Excellent.

>It sounds incredibly stupid and naive but I thought I would never let something like this happen.
It only sounds naive in retrospect. It's actually proof positive that you're a basically emotionally healthy person - that this would never occur to you, and that you would never do this to someone.

Beware of him trying to flip the script on you and tell you you're the abusive one if you ever mention this to him. In fact, I don't recommend you ever mention it to him at all. Just get him the fuck out of everything remotely connected to your life - he will never understand it, so don't waste (any more of) your time trying to make him.

>There's also a part of me that thinks he isn't smart enough to do all this but I KNOW no one is this bad at relationships.
It's not about smarts. It's often about having grown up watching this happen, or the kind of dumb cunning that goes with being somewhere on the antisocial personality spectrum. It's often just about watching people like input machines. When I do this, she does that. Etc. etc. I promise you he's done some variation of these exact behaviors to females all his life. He probably manipulates men in his life, too. It's just simple call-and-response.

>I know that this was toxic but he really made me feel as if no one would want me and I began clinging to this mess. It doesn't help that my family love him, obviously they don't know anything about the situation.
Start writing a notes doc in a password-protected drive. Write down everything you can remember, with dates if you can. Not just to show people - you may never show it to anyone - but for you. So you can remember, and not get pulled into any gaslighty shit he might try to pull in future.

The most insidious part of all of this is the mental hooks he's planted in you. Those will rear their heads for a long time after you leave. Get good at identifying them now - you'll need to defuse them later.
>>
>>18361411
Ahh,I think I have quite some time before I can think of sex positively again, but I appreciate it
>>
>>18361436
I don't care about your victim bullshit, spread dem legs
>>
>>18361435
>>The most insidious part of all of this is the mental hooks he's planted in you. Those will rear their heads for a long time after you leave. Get good at identifying them now - you'll need to defuse them later.

I haven't considered this and it sounds terrifying. I don't want to be broken and unable to have relationships. I feel like I wasted the most fun part of my life on someone that abuses me..

An update:
He won't leave me alone, every now again he comes into the room asking if there's any food I want, he'll cook, if I want to go to the movies and how he wants to do something with me
>>
>>18361446
>I don't want to be broken and unable to have relationships. I feel like I wasted the most fun part of my life on someone that abuses me.
I wish I could say this is a totally irrational fear, but it isn't. That said, it's not totally rational, either. It's about 60/40. In all honesty, if your family hasn't prepared you for this/isn't on board with your reasons for extricating yourself, your best course of action now is therapy.

The more you learn about exactly how these thoughts work - how he planted them, what types of things will trigger them to come back up, and what to do to counter them with rationality/reality - the easier it will become. Knowledge is everything. Everything. You can't combat what you don't understand. Learn everything you can.

>He won't leave me alone, every now again he comes into the room asking if there's any food I want, he'll cook, if I want to go to the movies and how he wants to do something with me
See? Just like an animal, he operates on instinct. He knows something's up. He can smell it on you. It's just more tricks.

Have you heard of the "grey rock" technique? If not, look it up. It will become your best friend in the coming weeks/months. Play emotionally dead until he gives up and/or finds another toy to try to extricate responses from. You have to understand what it is you've been feeding him first, so you can stop doing it.
>>
>>18361446
>>18361471
Oh, and start using incognito windows/clearing your browser history/cache/cookies. Whatever you do, don't tip him off. It might be for nothing, but you have no idea what lengths he MIGHT stoop to if you give him any ammunition before you're ready to pull the trigger and kick him out.
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>>18361487
how do you know so much about emotional abuse etc?

And thank you, I feel silly that I've needed someone to hold my hand to start this but you've really helped me see through him
>>
>>18361520
>how do you know so much about emotional abuse etc?
Grew up in an abusive home. Was a huge part of the reason why I was vulnerable to the snake I ended up with as an adult. Believe me, it was an incredibly humbling/kick-myself-in-the-ass moment when I realized I'd basically chosen a guy who was EXACTLY like my abusive Vietnam vet stepdad. I read everything I could trying to understand these dynamics after that. I couldn't accept the idea of letting it happen again after that. I'd quite literally rather die than live like that ever again.

>And thank you, I feel silly that I've needed someone to hold my hand to start this but you've really helped me see through him
You're very welcome. It's a big part of why I did this. Can't tell you how many people - men AND women, btw - I've given this type of advice to, anon and IRL. It's frightening how common these dynamics are. Mainly because people don't know.

Once you get out, pay it forward. That's all I ask
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>>18361125
Yeah she is dumb for trusting someone and being in love, two things anyone should be safe in doing and that you probly just don't have the balls to actually do you edgy sociopath wannabe faggot
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>>18360318
>Joint bank accoun
You know you can just walk into the bank and take out all the money, right?
>>
>>18361648
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50
>>
>>18361410
Yes good luck OP, get your own place or something and none of this is your fault like some of these people are claiming. It happens, trusting someone and loving them is not a weakness but sometimes it will blind you as you have been. No one deserves the shit though, even for being naive and gullible, that's what love will do to anyone.
>>
>>18361632
I have fallen in love so many times, if only you knew... I love women.
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>>18361667
Sure you do
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>>18361660
Fucking A. OP, let this be your theme song. Not even joking
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>>18361718
I posted it ironically but really I guess I wouldn't feel bad if it led to anything.
>>
>>18361648
There's nothing in there everything is paid this month it's just for bills and it was all my money anyway.
>>
>>18361742
Divorce in the clinton era was more fun.
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