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relationships

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You know how that Beatles song goes?

"When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time I don't know why"

I love my girlfriend. I think she's very sweet, beautiful, she cares about me a lot... I think?
I think she does. From what she says, how she says it - I can't read minds, but I'm not bad at reading people usually.

I think she cares about me a lot. But
She never shows it. Ever. It just doesn't cross her mind. She can cook for me sometimes, which is very nice, but there is more, something more important to a relationship. When you care about what is inside the person, what they are feeling. She never asks.
Whatever the age now is, how I was brought up, being a man I can't just talk about all my feelings and little troubles. I need her to ask. I can't just tell her to ask me either.

I thought it was natural. I wonder if anything troubles her, I wonder what is on her mind. She never seems to care.

Why did I put that quote in the beginning?

Sometimes it boils over and I tell her what I think. I tell her I am unhappy, I tell her she hurt me, whatever.
And she cries, she swears she will become better person, that she loves me.

And it breaks my heart. It also kills me that I look at her and see that she probably means all those things.
And we stay, and after a while it's as if it never happened. She forgets all about it and enjoys her life. And I'm left to fend for herself.


I love her.
I also don't have many friends or people I like where I live right now. I'm afraid to break her heart. I don't know what I should do
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>>18146911
Why can't you tell her to ask exactly..? Just like how you aren't a mind reader, I am sure she can't read them either.

That means you (both) have to communicate your wants and needs.
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>>18146911
I get what your saying here. Just a thought... Is there anything she could possibly be useing you for? Because it does seem like she's dis interested.

Does she ever snuggle up to you on her own? Out of nowhere? Like without you pulling her in yourself?

When my gf's stop doing this, theres cause for concern.
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>>18146911
No, I don't know that Beatles song. How does it go?
>>
>>18146911
Different people express and perceive love differently.
There is no "one size fits all" way of loving people. Your girlfriend maybe just isn't the type to show love through asking how you feel or stuff like that.
You expect her to express love in the same way you do, but it isn't the case for everybody.
In my opinion, for example, gifts are fucking useless and I hate receiving them. I buy what I want when I want it - unless I explicitly ask for something, I don't want to receive anything. My best friend loves receiving gifts. If you didn't buy me anything for my birthday you'd make me happy, if you did it with her she'd stab you in your sleep.

Why don't you just walk up to her and tell her how you feel, without expecting her to ask? Wouldn't that be easier?
Why don't you stop throwing tantrums because she doesn't express love in the same way you do, and just appreciate her and her affection in the way it comes?
Talk to her, if you're feeling like shit tell her "Hey, this thing happened and I am feeling like crap".
It has nothing to do with being a man. It has everything to do with being an adult. Just express yourself.
>>
>>18147146
Not even OP but 10/10 post, thank you.
I also have a gf who doesn't express love the same way i do. she does a little more than OP's gf, but she's not "HERE, WITNESS THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU" like i can be sometimes.
I know she loves me, i "see" it if that makes sense, and i'm not asking for her to prove her love to me, but sometimes it's hard.

It's important to remember there's not one way to express love, people have different experiences, and different ways to communicate.
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>>18147189
Thank you!

I have a similar experience - my boyfriend is a super emotional, sensitive person and I a bit of a cold, autistic robot. I don't express love well with words, he sucks at being consistent with his actions.
It took us time to understand that for me love was cooking his breakfast and ironing his shirts, while for him love was writing me poems but, ultimately, it works.
Even if I am not replying to his love notes and he's not washing the dishes, we still appreciate each other.
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>>18147210
>Even if I am not replying to his love notes
Fuck, are you my gf ? kek
I frequently write letters to her, when she only wrote one to me, but in the end i don't even care that she doesn't write letters or that kind of stuff, because i know that when i do it she loves it and it makes her happy, and it matters more than a love letter from her
I feel like now i don't want her to prove her love to me, i just want her to feel good and happy with me, as long as she does i shouldn't worry too much
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>>18147220
He wrote me this beautiful poem for my birthday, something that made me heart melt and made me cry (and I don't cry - ever, not even at funerals). It was wonderful.

For his birthday, I made him bacon for breakfast and took him for a hike in our favourite spot.
I just fucking can't, I'm autistic as fuck when it comes to expressing feelings with words.
>>
>>18147228
I get that.
I'm like this too, but weirdly with my gf i'm way more comfortable with saying how i feel - perhaps too much sometimes, so i try to not give too much either

Anyway i feel like feeling bitter like "why don't you do this for me when i do that for you !" is an awful way to go. I just focus on making her feel good and try to forget a little about my own ego, and things always end up turning out well
>>
Op, I've had the same exact feelings with my old girlfriend. I loved her more than the world but I tried to break up with her 4 times because she barely did anything to show she loved me back, then she'd cry and say things until I didn't break up with her.
You know what happened? She left me for another dude after the fourth time of trying to break up with her.
Girls words mean nothing (atleast in this case) look at how they act, not what they say
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>>18147081

She does. I think she loves me. I just think that she doesn't bother/realize that it needs showing

>>18147146
I told her how I felt. Several times. I told her that in a relationship I look for pure emotions, for warm love, you name it. And if she couldn't provide it to me then we weren't a good match.
That's paraphrasing, but that's the idea. But every time it ends with her really wanting to be the person that I need, instead of anything else. And she tries. But she just isn't cut for it

I personally think it's like how you love your parents. You do love them, but take them for granted. So you rarely express it to them. I don't know.

But don't tell me to "just talk it out". If it was that simple I wouldn't be asking here

You also have to remember that it's important to uphold certain images of yourself to your partner, even if both of you know it might be just a game. Some people need their second half to be stern and withstanding, so they find some security in them. Just food for thought.

>>18147242
Making her/him feel happy and loved is great. You shouldn't do it for something in return. You do it without expecting anything in return, in fact.
But it doesn't mean it's OK to get nothing in return. So you are saying you are trying your best to provide for your partner in a way that makes them happy. That's the definition of caring. Making deliberate effort. Caring isn't doing something easy for you that they might as well enjoy. If you are a magician at washing dishes and it's easy for you, it doesn't mean you can just do that for your girlfriend and she'll be happy. You have to deliberately do something she likes.
She loves flowers? Give her flowers even if you think it's pointless.
She likes going out? Take her to dates.
You get it.

You have to talk to your partner if you're not getting that. So you can communicate. But it's different when you do talk about it and nothing changes. I want to feel loved too. Just "knowing" isn't enough.
>>
>>18147280
>Girls words mean nothing (atleast in this case) look at how they act, not what they say

This is a very sad way of looking at people, but this applies not to just girls but to all people basically.

It's important to point out girls separately because it's just so alluring to unconditionally trust the person you love. And I think a lot of guys are very naiive at heart. I don't know.

It's just that the world becomes a very lonely place if you never trust people to be honest with you or themselves. I dunno man. We'll see
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>>18147280
This feel.
I know this feel as well.
I sucks since she kept saying that she loved me, but never really let me be a part of her life. Even though I tried to be supportive of her and her needs. She hardly ever expressed themy.

Eventually after years of this I broke up and after like two weeks of being with another guy, she moved in with him.

She tired coming back to me while still being with the other guy. I was naive and trusted her this time. She said she wanted to be with me but it took her months to even talk to her bf at the time. Eventually she slept with me, she cheated on the other guy with me. I kinda couldn't look at her the same. I couldn't really look at myself the way for not standing my ground.

Nothing changed. Things got worse. All I wanted was communication, she never told me anything was wrong until it was far too late. Until she pretty much had let it fester inside her, she only talked to me about our problems when they nothing but old ammo for her.
2 years is a long time to hold shit in. I was always there to listen, she was never there to talk.
>>18147311
It is a sad way to look at it, but it's hard to see things differently after certain experiences. It takes a very strong heart to not let it ruin you, far stronger than I have, or many others to that matter.
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>>18147292
>Making her/him feel happy and loved is great. You shouldn't do it for something in return. You do it without expecting anything in return, in fact.
But it doesn't mean it's OK to get nothing in return. So you are saying you are trying your best to provide for your partner in a way that makes them happy. That's the definition of caring. Making deliberate effort. Caring isn't doing something easy for you that they might as well enjoy. If you are a magician at washing dishes and it's easy for you, it doesn't mean you can just do that for your girlfriend and she'll be happy. You have to deliberately do something she likes.
She loves flowers? Give her flowers even if you think it's pointless.
She likes going out? Take her to dates.
You get it.

>You have to talk to your partner if you're not getting that. So you can communicate. But it's different when you do talk about it and nothing changes. I want to feel loved too. Just "knowing" isn't enough.

Well... I get what you mean, but the thing is, i don't NEED anything from her in particular. I just want to be with her. Being with her and seeing her happy with me is fine.
I don't expect anything much from people. If i like someone i'll do what i can so they like me and can spend time with them.
Don't get me wrong, she gives me a lot. She gives me great conversation, thoughts, affection, sex...
But then again she doesn't expect anything in particular from me, we both trust each other and i feel like anything i do for her she'll like it. I try to be spontaneous and fun, not just give her what she needs.

If there's something in particular i want, i try getting it myself, i don't expect people to provide

You said you told her what you look for in a relationship. Why do you look for these things ? Did you ask her what SHE wants in a relationship ? In my opinion you shouldn't be in a relationship to fill a hole in your life. You shouldn't be in a position of needing something from her.
"i don't need you i want you."
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>>18147569
>In my opinion you shouldn't be in a relationship to fill a hole in your life.
What you are describing can be one of two things. It's either a very mature or a very "given up" attitude. I hope it's the former for you.

It is great if you are self-sufficient. That's key for a healthy relationship. That's key to keeping a girl (& guy?) interested in you.

But also, if you don't want anything from people, where is the fun in communication? If you are not the least bit greedy,will you get anything at all?
If you are Buddha, and can be sincerely happy to just a bowl of rice, you are above relationships altogether. Unfortunately I am not there

>Why do you look for these things ?
But tell me. I want someone to ask me about my day. I want someone to offer me a shoulder. I want these small pieces of happiness in life with out asking for them. I want someone to trust me with their inner world as much as I trust them with mine.
Tell me - is this wrong?

Why do you look for these things ?
Isn't it human to want this?

The world is a cold place. You can be as self-sufficient as you want. Everyone will need support sooner or later, if only for one day when you are laid off from a job you worked for 5 years, or when your last parent passes away.
It is not wrong to be self-sufficient. But if you bring it to the absolute, if you refrain from leaning even a bit on your partner, you are basically afraid of being let down or betrayed. That's not self-sufficiency. That's a pipe dream and an insecurity.

>Did you ask her what SHE wants in a relationship ?
What makes you ask this? Of course I did. It's not enough to just ask her, either. Look at what I said. Sometimes the very point of a gesture is that it is done without being asked. There are basic things. Like emotional support on a rainy day. And more personalized things. You find about them by knowing the person.
I dunno what she'd say, but I try my best. If it's no good I wish she told me. I told her. I mean, read above.
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