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Violent thoughts.

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Hello /adv/

I'm currently recovering from homelessness. The last two years of my life have been a series of constant fuckups and backstabbings that eventually led me to a state of severe depression and eventually losing everything I had. I won't go into anymore detail on this because it isn't the issue anymore.

My dilemma is that I am having recurrent, severely violent thoughts about all the people who have wronged me.

Being on 4chan, I expect to be called edgy or an angsty 18 year old. But this is becoming a serious problem for me now.

Because of what has previously happened to me in the past. My paranoia has gone off the rails. I carry a hunting knife with me daily despite being very illegal where I live. I have found myself, yet again, mixing styrofoam, lighter fluid and petrol in my kitchen and bottling it up. (I have a history of arson, never been caught) and on top of all that. I have been in 4 fights over the last 3 months. All of which have resulted in hospitalisation of those involved.

I can't control my temper at all anymore. The slightest thing sets me off into a blind rage. I break anything and everything I can, I have pinned family members and close friends against walls while screaming at them (I don't remember anything I say, and can't find out because said people rightfully cut contact with me).

It's only a matter of time before I do something severe and get arrested. For example, the only thing I have thought about doing the last week is firebombing a government owned building, and more specifically, a certain person inside.

I couldn't care less if I was shot and killed for these acts. The desire to act is getting stronger day by day and is only held back because deep down I know it isn't the answer.

My question to you guys. What do I do to put a stop to all this. Where do I go, who do I talk to and more importantly how do I talk about this to someone without getting V&.

Please help.
As a side note. I'm currently living off grid as I'm 100% sure the police are looking for me over the last few incidents. I'm paying cash to one of my old colleagues to stay in a small rundown flat and am using a nearby families unsecured wifi to post this. I can't sign myself to any services or tenancy agreements etc. because I know my name will pop up somewhere and I will be found. I have a small cash flow to keep me going, but yet again, That involves more crime.

I've gotten myself into so much shit and I cannot see a way out. I don't know what to expect from this website, but at the minute, the animosity and a small amount of hope that someone has an answer is all I can think of doing.
>I'm currently living off grid
>Here let me post about my life and give context clues to all the alphabet agencies on 4chan

You're neither edgy nor special: you're retarded. Enjoy g-men at your door.
So hey man, just gonna start off by saying that I've been homeless, I've dealt with shitty people, and I've royally fucked up too.

Anger is typically a direct result of fear, vengeance isn't all that it's cracked up to be, and you give more power to the people who have wronged you by latching onto those grudges.

Short of your current situation and recent events, what are you afraid of man?

You've definitely made quite a bit of progress just by being here and saying what all you've said but it sounds like you need to dig a little deeper. Try and reflect a little bit on what it is that you've done to get you yourself to this point. Self accountability will set you free. The only person that holds power over your life at the end of the day is you.
Also at this point it might be better for you to own up to your shit and sit it out a while in a cell. It's not like laying low is going to solve your current problems in the long run, unless you plan on skipping state/country.
Along with a VPN, a connection that is no way related to me, an incompetent police system, absolutely zero details of who I am or what country I live in and the simple fact I could be making all this up makes me confident I won't be found. Fuck off.

I'm afraid of failure. This is a direct result of my entire lifes track record. The only way I've gotten anywhere in life is crime and every time I have tried to play by this world's rules it's done nothing but hurt me and set me back to zero.
Shit man, i feel you. That's my dish too. But the road to success is paved with failure.

You're not religious by any means right?
take responsibility for your problems
Well, like I said. I'm on the road to recovery, relatively anyway. Besides doing what I do to keep myself alive I haven't committed any acts of violence or crime in nearly a month. But I fear that is only because I'm keeping myself hidden from the rest of the world.
I've even taken the time to prepare a really nice Resume to apply for a job once all this has blown over. Luckily, I've done enough "normal" shit during my life to still have a chance. I just can't move forward with my life until I find a way around this epic roadblock I'm facing.

I am in no way religious, and have never cared for the concept. Although, heavy unconvential drug use has probably skewed the way I think and act to what would be seen as... Spiritual? I guess. I have no idea.
I fail to see how I'm responsible for any of this. The issues in my life have always been caused by some other individual who has some form of power over me, whether it be a manager, girlfriend, or elder family member. I have so many broken blades in my back I'm beginning to enjoy the feeling of it.

you have a massive victim complex like most addicts and criminals
And you sure like to make assumptions about people you do not know the first thing about. If you have nothing helpful to say then I'd kindly like to ask you to leave the thread.

you realize the common thread between all these horrible people who backstabbed you , is you?

Do you actually think everyone in your life is completely atrocious, or did you perhaps contribute in some way to the way in which you were treated?
I am well aware that my personality has had some form of contributing factor to it all. I have never agreed with anyone "normal" (I use that word for a lack of another one thereof) and they have never agreed with me. I accept the fact I am an unrelatable person and this is probably the root cause of all this. But experience has taught me that fighting against who you are is and always will be a losing battle. I am not changing my personality because someone else says I should.

And no. I never once have thought anyone is evil or atrocious. People simply look after themselves before anyone else, I just always seem to end up as a stepladder for their shit-covered boots. And I refuse to conform to the same behavior.
The fact that you're even seeking help and change puts you leagues ahead of most people already man.

The only way to find out is to step back out there when you're ready.

I kind of figured. Drugs can definitely help you open up to the flow of the world.

>But experience has taught me that fighting against who you are is and always will be a losing battle. I am not changing my personality because someone else says I should.

don't do it because someone else said you should. do it for yourself, because you want a better life. Personally I don't see the point in holding on to an identity that is making you suffer. If you can live a better life, why not try to do it?
You have read my previous posts right? I am doing everything I can possibly do at the moment to fit in with the real world. This isn't the first time I've tried to fix my life from this point. But I am not switching off or changing any part of me to conform to some other clueless idiots demands or rules. If I'm not accepted this time, then I'll try again and again until I find a place in life where I fit. This is bringing up images of trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.

This conversation is appreciated, but it has detracted from the original subject not the issue I'm struggling with or asking advice about. Please can we stay on topic.
It's funny you say that, because at the minute it feels like I'm swimming upstream. I'm starting to get tired of it though, and it won't be long before I give in to this 'flow.'

Unfortunately, my river is cold, rapid and has an unsightly drop at the end. Here's hoping there's some jagged rocks at the bottom eh?
So back to the main points.

Your first step here is figuring out why you're so quick to anger in the first place and dealing with that.

Also iw wouldn't hurt to get better at reading peoples motives. There's always going to be a shitlords who will have no problem fucking you over for their own gain. If you know what motivates someone, you'll never be surprised by their actions.

As for where to go, i couldn't really tell you man. If there're warrants out for you, laying low won't prevent the inevitable. You might just have to face the inevitable. The worst case scenario in life is death, and you're already comfortable with that, so what have you got to lose?
loool it's not like he killed someone you fucking idiot
Hey man, life is an uphill battle and you've already made it this far. It's cool to lay down and take a breather when life knocks the wind out of you. Just take your time with shit, change what you can and accept what you can't.
The only starting point I have for my anger issues is that it seems to be genetic. My dad and his dad all were quick to anger and had violent outbursts, but never to the point of actually hurting anyone else (except in a few legit cases, think self defence.)

I haven't been surprised by people's ulterior motives for a very long time. Most 'normal' people seem to be very predictable. They simply look after number 1. I don't have an issue with that., it's simply human nature.
My issue is, that sort of attitude towards others i find to be highly immoral and outright wrong in my opinion. Unfortunately, that outlook makes it difficult for people like me to fit in with the rest.

I'm not too sure on the severity of why they are looking for me, best case scenario is for questioning over the fights. I'd probably be charged with GBH at worst but fights happen where I used to live quite often. There is no evidence of my previous or current other "crimes" so I don't need to worry about that.
To add; (I'm getting tired and forgetful, it's late)

I've always managed to be able to control my anger unlike my dads side of the family. And I sort of had to reinforce that due to my unsavory line of work. It's only within the last two years (where I've tried to get away from all this) that my self-control has dwindled to almost nothing.

Off-topic, but the only thing I have found that can keep me calm and avoid my outbursts is smoking cannabis. But I am not destroying my 3 month clean streak. Fucking no way. It goes against everything I'm trying to do.
Be a madman and do something really fucking crazy. Something big that's going to be remembered.
If that's the case, try and find a way to take a step back and breath. I'm unusually chill in general, but if something pushes me to my tipping point i typically try to take a step back and clear my head. Meditation does wonders.

I'm with you there, being selfish is human nature. But not everyone is like that to the degree you're speaking of. It's pretty prominent on the bottom rung, once you get off the ground the rat race mentality tends to die off a little.

If you think laying low will better your circumstances, keep it up. Just be prepared for the worst when you try to get back out there.
Hey OP,

Why don't you just kill yourself? You lack impulse control and offer nothing to anybody. Perhaps you could put your anger and desperation towards something useful and rid society of yourself.
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Don't tempt me you asshole. It's hard enough as it is.
Fuck off this isn't /b/

Hey man, get some rest. If you want to keep in touch, hit me up at [email protected]

Also good on you. The thing about weed is that frequent use of it may chill you out in the short term, but after a while it starts to make you much more easilly aggrieved while you're sober.
Alright, considering you are the only person so far who has offered any insight on my situation. I'm going to focus my efforts on preparation for the next 'phase' of what's to come instead of worrying about the outcome as a whole. Admittedly, I think I've been stressing myself out too much over theories and what ifs.
I'm going to take the opportunity I have now to try and chill out, and finish of my last few jobs so I have a bigger rainy day fund incase it does all go to shit. If all goes well, I might try and see a doctor about my anger and violent tendencies. But if worst comes to worst I'm just gonna have to take it on the chin and go from there. Thanks anon.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread until it dies, still got a small hope for another anons fix-everything answer.

Hey asshat, why even post on /adv/ if you've got nothing worthwhile to contribute? OP acknowledged what he's doing wrong and came here in an attempt to change it, that puts him far beyond shit stains like you in my book.
I've noted your email, but don't expect anything off me for a while. Trying to stay low-key and all that. I really appreciate your help anon. Have a good night.
My advice in >>18029836 still stands. OP is a constant strain on everyone around him and can't even muster adolescent-level self-control.

We'd all be better off without him and he'd save himself a bunch of heartache.
I've dealt with a similar desire for righteous vengeance.

A man who goes looking for violence will find it. Your soul is yours to illuminate or damn, and ultimately the only way to rid yourself of the poison is to let it go. My only advice is this: Do not allow them to win by burning yourself into ash. Do not hurt the innocent if you choose to pursue them, and if you do, be sure to not squander the potential suffering.

Hi OP,

I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago. Due to a very long string of events, I found myself constantly consumed with rage over specific shit. I went on a long campaign of impotent rage bullshit that culminated in a fucking car chase (me getting chased after road rage incident). i realized it was either suicide (by rage) or somehow move on. i really dug deep and reflected on why i was so angry, really the inner core, not the specific facts. i realized that impotence- feeling powerless over my life- was the real cause. i then took control over my life and the rage is gone. take real action steps and start living the life you want. starting from scratch isn't an excuse to not do it. OP, if you're an anon here then you're worth something, and i know it is possible to overcome feeling consumed with powerlessness and hopelessness. ultimately it's just you sitting on a rock in space, no one else is a factor unless you let them be.
It's cool man, i understand. If there's one sound piece of advice i can leave you with, it's stop worrying.

You seem smart enough to pull it off, just try to catch yourself when you're doing it and dismiss it for what it is, a giant waste of time and energy.

Glad I could be of help. Best of luck man, I'm out.
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