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Embarassing question

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I know this is probably going to trigger a few anons with how pathetic my question is, but could someone tell me how to properly wipe my own ass? My parents never really taught me how to actually do it and would just assume I'd learn on my own, but no matter what I do I usually almost never get the job completely done.
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>>18021238
It's not rocket science, you wipe the paper against/around your asshole until it's clean. Make sure you're actually done pooping before you wipe (usually takes me a good 15 minutes).

If it takes a thousand wipes to get clean, you probably don't have enough fiber in your diet. Eat more fruits, veggies and whole grains, and/or try a fiber supplement like Metamucil
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>people in the first world """clean""" their asses with paper
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>>18021254
Some people don't have the luxury of a bidet, you asshole.

OP, to be honest I never thought I'd be answering a question like this, but I'll tell you how I do it.
I usually get 2 ply toilet paper. I rip of 3 squares at a time, and fold it in half twice. I place my 3 middle fingers in the middle of one side, and my thumb holding the edge of the other side.
The first wipe; I place the center of the folded paper between my balls and asshole, closer to my ass than balls if anything. Apply a little pressure and make a sort of scooping drag motion across my asshole, keeping steady pressure with my 3 fingers and keeping my thumb away. (you can actually move your thumb totally away at this point) I try to end the 'scoop' at the opposite side of my asshole to avoid spreading shit up my asscrack. I then drop the paper in the bowl (or bin depending on your pipe system.)
Second wipe; I do almost exactly the same, but add a little side to side movement along with the pressure to get any I may of missed the first time.
Third wipe; again, nearly the same, except I start above my asshole, and wiggle-wipe downwards towards my balls, making sure to stop before I get anywhere near my balls.

This is the bare minimum I do. You may need to repeat any of the steps if you have a particularly messy shit. Personally, I finish off with a moistened toilet wipe (or baby wipe etc.) Making sure to give the whole area a good go around.

Hopefully that should help m8.
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>>18021392
>Some people don't have the luxury of a bidet, you asshole.
>being into ass play more like it

No thanks, I don't need some water tickling my butthole. The same people that use bidets are probably the same people that sit directly on top of the jets in a jacuzzi.
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>>18021408
...this probably explains the toilet-paper phenomenon. American Puritans were so afraid of ass-pleasure that they can't clean their anus with water (like every other part of their body) they have to punish themselves by scraping that ass raw with dry paper. Nothing keeps the sinful thoughts at bay quite like a burning, bleeding asshole with shit-particles rubbed into the wounds
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>>18021418
>being poor
>using poor quality toilet paper
Who the fuck rubs their asshole so hard with toilet paper it bleeds anyway?
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>>18021238
just take a shower afterwards. That's what I do.
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>>18021418
Not the guy you are replying to, but I'm from the UK and have never even seen a bidet, nor do I know anyone who owns one. I would have no problem using one though and if they are as effective as they are supposed to be I'd drop toilet paper in a heartbeat.
The dry-paper, shit-in-wounds bit probably explains why I get recurrent hemmeroids though. Thanks for the brain food.
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>>18021408
>I don't need some water tickling my butthole
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>>18021408
>not liking water streams tickling your butthole
What are you a faggot in denial?
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>>18021469
Nah just an older dude who isn't into the deviant behavior you fucked kids are into these days.
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>>18021480
>cleaning your body with water is deviant behavior
Honestly, I think it's much more deviant to walk around all day with shit-particles and little bits of shitty paper smeared all around your ass crack
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>>18021485
>what are wet wipes
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>>18021503
Feels like the devil giving you a rim job. No thanks faggot, I get the cheapest one-ply toilet paper I can find. Feels like sandpaper
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>>18021469
>>18021445
>>18021408
>>18021485
>tfw you're going to be getting a bidet soon
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>>18021392
Test Post. Sorry everyone.
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>>18021520
I wish I had one anon. Sadly, I am confined to crouching at the edge of my bathtub and washing my butt using the hand held showerhead when it's too dirty.
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>>18021392
this is beautiful
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>>18021238

Eat more fiber and drink more water
Eat less shitty McD-tier food
Cut back on soda

Enjoy firm turds coming out cleanly and the paper doing the job on the first wipe
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>>18021568
This. I hardly have to wipe because I eat about 45 grams of fiber a day which is on par with a 3,000 calorie diet of only fresh produce, lean meats, and whole grains. I take two massive, and healthy, dumps ever day like clockwork.
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buy some flushable wet wipes

god damn they are like a quid for a 3 month supply in aldi
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OP,

As a hairy guy, I keep the hairs around my anus trimmed. The wiping goes a lot faster
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>>18021503
>flushable
No, they aren't. The civil engineers in charge of your sewer system HATE these things.
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>>18021807
And yet, it all works out.
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>>18021533
Online they're about 60 usd for a bidet toilet seat attachment. And that's with hot and cold settings. This is the one I'm settling for cause an actual bidet is way too pricey.
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>>18021807
>can't be any worse than the majority of shit ppl already flush down the drain anyway
>talking about things you think you know
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>>18021826
That's a lot of money for a sex toy...
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>>18021844
>I'm poor and stupid and I smell like shit
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>>18021238
Your problem is probably not your wiping. The problem is your diet.

Eat more fiber. Start every day with a big bowl of raisin bran or shredded wheat, you want stuff with at least 7g fiber per serving and as little sugar added as possible.

Do this, and you will barely have to wipe at all.
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>>18021878
Correlating not wanting to spend $60 on an ass tickler with being poor...I spent $130 on lunch today faggot.
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>>18021238
I too would like an answer to this question. Sometimes I wipe too hard / too much and their is blood , but at least no more poo poo. Then sometimes my hole becomes itchy. I use angel soft. What am I doing wrong
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>>18021942
See >>18021891
>>18021568
>>18021585
>>
>poo in loo
>wipe your pooper
>???
>profit
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/me also has a very hairy ass, and only eat crappy - result: always shit around the hole, and toilet paper doesnt help. forced to use shower each time, otherwise i get itchy and bloody hole. guess best thing i can really do is proper diet, as not even wet-wipes do a proper job. man, pooing is a real science :/
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>>18021567
Thanks, I get bored at 2:30am and I am trying to get better at my creative writing skills. Nothing better to practice with than answering random questions on /adv/ in as much detail as possible.
Thread posts: 36
Thread images: 6


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